i lay on my bed, staring at the blank ceiling. the room has absorbed some cold from the rain. my mind couldn't stop moving, talking, processing, analyzing. i'm calm but it feels like a whirlwind up top. i cannot justify why is it i felt the way i did. all i knew was that, in Bon Iver's words, i was not magnificent.


i don't know how to stop feeling as if the world is continually treating me unjustly.
i complain too much, constantly pointing fingers.
when the real truth is let out, it all boils down to the painful hard fact that i don't know how to be content.


i don't know how to stop wanting things to go my way.
people used to say i was understanding; am i, really?
because as far as i know, i think i fail very well in that area.


i don't know how to rationalize.
i am but a bundle of explosive emotional tanks.
i was not magnificent.

because some things deserve recognition.

i realize that i haven't been writing for quite some time now, both online where typing on a keyboard is tons faster and on paper, in which i can feel the rath of my journal towards me because i seem to always forget about her.


which brings me to the purpose of my post.

the first thing that i shall emphasize to recognize is my abstract print, multi-coloured canvas Paperluxe journal that has been my company ever since grey velvet Paperluxe died or in more literal terms, ran out. this journal, despite having only being filled less than a quarter full, has been a dear friend to me. it was a 19th birthday gift from the very lovely Nicole and Carissa. 

the second thing, or well, people, that i want to put into recognition here is the two girls that i have just mentioned. if you scrape back to how we first met and how we became the trio that we are today, i honestly can't remember what is the exact story. i just remember being intimidated by the quiet and reserved, artistically-gifted Nicole and randomly talking to Carissa in a communication class (correct me if i'm wrong ah pls). in a couple more hours, i will be seeing them + a few more for an indoor/outdoor picnic with alot of food and good camaraderie. i am blessed to have been considered someone important in both of their lives individually and as a group. 

since we are speaking of people,

let me direct this midday writing to the girl that inspired me and this post.

this young girl has been my sister's best friend for the longest time and perhaps is my sister's closest acquaintance. i've known her since we were both kids, her family, and a little bit of her story and struggle as she grew up without a mother. at times, i've been accused of treating her better than my own sister. so nonetheless, i do see her as someone that i'm protective over. i also know for a fact that my house is her second home and back when i used to be in Rampai, my home was her safe place. it is pretty wonderful when you think about it; that what you see as something not necessarily a comfort place is a haven to another person. 

i always have the most pleasant conversations with her because i see a level of maturity way past the age on her birth certificate. if there's anything that i'm stereotyped/biased/judgmental about, it's the type of books and music that a person reads and listens to. i just think it says so much about a person; what intrigues them, what inspires them and perhaps what their perspective is like. she reads a bountiful and i have given as well as lent her numerous books that i know only a few can appreciate and understand without immediately going errmagerd books for weirdos eew. i had an unexpected burst of excitement when we were talking as i drove her home this morning and she told me that she loved Paulo Coelho and she was looking for John Green books to read. take cue, M

i'm sorry, 

anyone who loves Paulo Coelho,

ultimate number 1 in my Awesome People List.

when i talk to her, i don't feel like i'm talking to an eighteen year old. age doesn't even come in between as an invisible boundary because she's one of those few people who just understands. there are very few people that i know i can openly express my innermost thoughts and opinions to and she is one of them. so freely, we spoke about religion, societal ethics and love. no judgmental feelings, no and the fact that she presents herself so well as a teenage girl; poised, though sometimes silly and hyper, i just think she's one of those few people in the world who have that bit of spark that people tend to miss, simply because they're not magazine-type pretty or british-vogue beautiful. i have had the privilege of watching her grow so elegantly into what i think is only going to be an even more lovely an amazing person with time.


this remarkable girl is Aasmitha,
the at-times soft spoken, reserved young girl who lives her life bravely.
God bless this wonderful soul, the inspiration behind my post and perhaps my next few days.


Hurt- Johnny Cash

because to love is to suffer. or is it?

'To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.'


why do we still love when love also equals suffering?
is there something so potentially beneficial about love that we do anything to have it flow in the veins of our bodies, even if it means it bringing about harm and unhappiness on the side? 



i disagree with the third sentence of this quote, 
that one suffers from not loving. i know far too many people who are capable of not loving. i mean, the average of people not caring at all is definitely more than those who care too much, no? that, or, these emotionless people are just very good at suppressing their emotions. on the outside, they claim to not care at all but on the inside, pergh fire burning with fireworks melimpah sini sana. that, or, my former thought, that some people just don't give two shits. yeah. i prefer to go with that. 


therefore, back to my question,
why do we still love, then? 
are we not better off not investing hopes, expectations, trust and cooperation into something that is so painfully fragile yet able to cause such large scale damage? why do we as humans, continue seeking out for love, when we don't know how to handle the cons of it well? 


i have another problem with this thing called love; the idea that burdens are shared. if i love somebody, i wouldn't want him or her to be carrying my burdens. 1)have you not seen my physical strength? and 2)how could i put someone i love under the weight that i carry? not especially when i know the severity and extent of what and how much i carry. in its most brief summary; i carry a lot. the one thing that differs me from a walking time bomb is that i am a continuous explosion. a continuous, ghastly and hazardous network of untimely explosions. 


yet, i demand that from others. that the people i love share their burdens with me because i cannot bear seeing the people i love under strain. the irony when i cannot see the underlying similarities when the people i love offer to do the same for me. i just refuse it. i see my problems as burdens for others, but others' as a human difficulty and something that i should account a little bit of responsibility for because i care.


so how can i share when i know too well, deep down, that my sharing of burdens would add to overall miserableness? why would i want to create more unhappiness when my own unhappiness is my own problem? but if i don't share, then what is the point of having love?  


i guess i have carved out my own conclusion that indeed,
to love is to suffer. but not loving is to suffer as well because what is the point of living when one is absent of love? because to be happy is to love. 

Penakut- Yuna

because i do still miss home, but

it's been more than two weeks and yes, i've finally thank God established an Internet connection in my house. the terror that all the media i had was my television (to which, Astro was only installed a week upon moving in) was just ghastly. that shows how dependent we all are, or at least i am, on the Net. it's almost very sad. to think that i shrink into ultimate nothingness without my grip on the internet.


oh well,
AREN'T WE ALL


it's 1a.m and instead of my usual cup of green tea, i'm sipping hot chamomile. a change from the usual routine. and instead of my desktop, i am lounging on this chair with the laptop, sitting directly at my balcony facing the highways and the sleeping city. i see buildings, numbers of bright neon lights, a car or two driving by on the roads.every twelve seconds, a gush of cold wind comes in. it is pretty wonderful, the entire combination + Ben Howard playing in the background. i guess this is one of the main perks of moving into a condominium on the eight floor. that plus a swimming pool.


i really should be sleeping because i'd been sick the whole day but i can't. i'm not frantically filled with a plethora of thoughts like how i usually am. i just don't feel like sleeping. i want to sit here and just stare at this quietness. the deep purple sky that envelops the entire arena of shophouses, skyscraper buildings, trees and streetlights. that perhaps, someone else is awake, staring into this quietness as well. or maybe this kind of quietness has become dull for most. i hope i never find this dull.


You Remind Me Of Home- Ben Gibbard

because this is the last night.

it's approximately 2am, and i am in front of my desktop with this routine cup of green tea.
except that this will be my last time here.


sitting exactly in this position, to the right of my fridge yes, my fridge is actually right next to me and to the left of my dining table. the roll of tissue paper wedged onto the fridge with a decorative cheese block, the kitchen of assortments right behind me.


as humans, we all fall back onto familiarity. we like things that we are familiar with, and that's just how the brain works. the brain likes the comfort zone. give it a challenge, a stretch out of its norms, and it panics. the same way when we insert toes first into a swimming pool of cold water. our body shivers with a mixture of anticipation, excitement and fear. that stimuli of electric coldness jolts our senses. some people like to dive straight in because that's like a whole engulfment of adrenaline.

i guess it's different when you're shifting houses, i suppose.

i'd never felt anything like when i flicked on the light switch to the room that used to be my kitchen and instead of diffused silence, i heard a hollow echo. that faint echo pierced right through me, sinking me gently. i'm not terrifyingly sad. or maybe i'm not terrifyingly sad yet. emotions could be unconsciously put on a pause, and maybe that's what my mind is doing right now. shutting off feelings, setting it aside.


tomorrow, at 10am, the truck is going to carry out my boxes of packed clothes, shoes, bags, books and Other Items as well as my empty cupboard, queen-sized mattress, my fridge, furniture and other things that used to have designated spaces in this house. this house that i grew up in. from a Sri Rampai girl, i am going to be in Desa Petaling for the next 2 years or so. the advantages is that i'm 1)ten minutes away from college and 2)ten minutes away from KL. aww yisses~


but the many disadvantages would be:
1)i'm going to be far away from 85% of my friends because 2)i grew up with these people, these people who live three stones throw away from me and that would mean 3)no more convenience of Thursday pasar malams, 4)a slight difficulty driving to church every Sunday and just 5)losing all familiarity of where i grew up.

i am making it sound as if i'm moving across the seas. 

macam drama TVB pulak. 

i think the hardest part would only kick in when i have to send Blackie to SPCA tomorrow, because doggeh can't follow me into the condominium. i remember last year when i got home from England, the real happiness only kicked in when i saw my dog eagerly waving her tail as she saw me carry my luggage out from the car. i guess there's a reason why they are called man's best friend.


i am thankful for being reminded tonight that i have a group of asshole boy friends whom i will miss terribly because i won't be seeing them as often anymore. no more bringing me out to for random late night food trips , planned badminton/swimming activities. i will have to drive, of course, but that will depend alot on timing i suppose. i am also thankful that although i am moving further away from all things familiar to me, i am also moving nearer to the beau. proximity is always a good thing, just not too close lah. takpayah next door neighbour semua. and i am thankful that i'm given this push out of my comfort zone. because it's always good to experience new things.

here's to the last night of being a Rampai-an. 

Starring Role- Marina & The Diamonds

because this is another dependency post.

where does one draw the line between independence and dependence?

also, i will never justify my obsession with Lana. deal with it

people think being someone who is dependent is bad. i think what's worse than that is generally being perceived as someone independent, thus giving people the impression that ooo you're a cool chick, you don't have psycho emotional tendencies, you are aite. because people tend to relate the characteristic of dependency to the general traits of being feminine; so if you are not generally dependent, you are less feminine. you would thereby, have more masculine qualities. you are less feminine, thus, you must be less emotional too. it's all one false deduction, one step to another. 

also, 

i just realized how outrageously disgusting it is for men to think that a girl is only cool if she has more masculine qualities. at the same time, men aim for feminine girls and have prejudice against girls who prefer short hair and baggy pants. i'm sorry but APA YANG KAU NAK DOH. seems like the one who is conflicted here is not the women; just you

okay so back to my topic. 

for someone who is independent, i think i have pretty dependent tendencies. i don't even know why i do that. but i just unexplainably do. and times when i dwell on it, i hate what it makes of me. i hate the idea that i can lose my ground, that my foundation can shake so easily and that i fall into the help of the people who come in and alter the solidity of my independence. that for someone considerably strong, i can be so weak. the way i fall to temptation, fall to aid and fall to help that i know i don't need.

i know too well that i can do things on my own.

hey, i've been doing so well on my own all this time. why the sudden change? 

i think what happens with me at least is that i'm so used to doing almost everything by myself and that when someone comes in and bends my self-made regime, i lose control. i don't contain the same degree of potential energy anymore; i forget for a while and a little on what it's like to entirely depend on myself. because now, i have somebody. and in order to say things like "i want you to share your burdens with me", i'd have to firstly, open up and fairly share my thoughts and burdens too. 

but where does one draw the line between the two?
what if you go to such an extent, you share so much that at the end of the day, nothing is rightfully and solely yours anymore? there is ultimately nothing that separates you from the other person anymore. to be one with another significant person can be a beautiful process and equivalently a dangerous decision at the same time. i am just wondering on the boundaries between dependence and independence. to what degree do you share yourself with somebody? to what degree do you maintain specific things to yourself?


oh,
just thoughts on another Sunday night.

Next - The Weeknd 

because Lana is kween.

"People say your imagination is your greatest tool to success, and I think it’s because things manifest in reality from the visions you have in your mind’s eye. And so the most important thing is to really have a rich internal world, and live there, because reality will never meet your expectations."

because i am learning new changes.

gonna hold ya

gonna kiss you in my arms

gonna take you away from home 

emo hour.
to transpose, my form of emo hour doesn't translate into weepy, sad thoughts where i think of how the world is so unfair to such a wonderful girl like moi and start asking things like WAI DO THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPEN TO MEEEEE~ just, no.


emo hour for me is just, in its most basic sense,
emotional hour.
or in Mei's words: i am just having lotsa feels.


i wasn't having a bad day or anything. if anything, my day was hella great! class was interesting as always, got to spend some time after class talking to the girls and Warren about things that concretely matter, then went home to get ready to go out for a phone launching event with the beau. free appetizers and dessert and as always, i managed to snag a lucky draw gift. the day ended with really good naan and tandoori chicken and some turkey ham carbonara.


my day consisted of free food, winning things, time with good friends, and now slowly ending with a hot cup of green tea. the compilation of it all should result in me coming home with a generally happy face. but i'm not. as of now, Angus & Julia Stone's Big Jet Plane has been on replay for the 8th time. it's my happy sad song.



i think the lingering topic of the week for me is about how some women no reference in particular have some sort of dependency on the men in their lives. and very directly, by dependency, i mean 1)financial dependency and 2)emotional dependency. i grew up with a mother, like most mothers, who told me i needed to find a rich husband. i always thought wahlao mummy cannot get anymore shallow and materialistic right; what if this guy got alot of money but si beh ugly/shorter than me/has bad breath etc... so then i grew up with the mindset that i would not be depending on a man and that i wouldn't need a man to carry my burdens.

so that's when i started lifting weights to develop stronger biceps.

to lift my own burdens.

k no

i think i've always been a somewhat, independent girl. and i can reaffirm that because i know most people see me in the same light as well. i remember when a college friend once said to me that she couldn't imagine the kind of boyfriend that i would have or whether or not i would have one. because i don't seem like i need one. because i am 'the most independent girl [she] knows'. i always took that as one of the best compliments. i liked the idea that i am perfectly fine on my own, that i wasn't tied to anyone, hence the fact that i'm not tied down to anyone. i liked the idea that i was my own person and individual. autonomous, free.


for a period of time, i thought women who expected their men to pay for every meal needed to learn a few bloody things about paying for their own damn meals and getting things done on their own. can't drive? take the bus. want food? walk out and buy it. need something? do it yourself. there's a reason why God gave women 70% similar physical traits and 85% similar internal organs as the man. seriously, you can belajar untuk berdikari ok, as Pendidikan Moral has forcefully taught us all our school years.

i loathed the idea of women ever depending on their men financially, or emotionally. 

in my opinion, it just wasn't right. 

then as times begin to change and clothes unfortunately become smaller,
my ideas too began to slowly change.


i happen to have known a great number of friends; men, who have a tendency of paying for everything for their partners and respectively, women who accept that form of endless chivalry graciously and not-so-graciously. and the things is, these men never have intentions of getting their horny wishes granted in return. these women are not money-sucking, devilheaded-conniving free loaders either. these character stereotypes that have been injected into me through all the movies and tv shows are not all that real. there is hope in humanity!

of course,

there are always the select few who fit the mold of that stereotype lah.

mmmm k not gonna mention names but if you terasa............ ya ok

what i have learned is that sometimes, these things don't matter as much as people make it out to be. the whole concept of making sure you're a strong, independent woman. sure it's great but so what if there are girls who have their meals paid for by their other halves? i have no right in judging their relationship and what they fuel on. who am i to question the basis of the structures they stand upon? who am i to say that the way i work is of greater superiority than theirs? to think that way is already conceited. a conceited mind is far worse than an unknowing mind.


like machines, people operate differently with varying parts. except that we are partially fueled by emotions.

with this, leads me to the other topic that got me into my current emotional hour. 

the fact that humans are fueled by emotions. 

indefinitely, the larger sum of men have a higher operating on rationale than emotion. but what about the emotion of anger? in the words of my Social Psychology class, studies have shown that men have a higher tendency of reacting out with anger in comparison to women. and that one, we all also know ah. take the likes of Chris Brown.


so my point is,
we all have a tendency of being driven by emotion, most of the times,
without our thinking and without our control.


today i made a mistake that caused me to receive quite the harsh words in return. i don't blame the sender; it was definitely my fault. but to be told that i should feel bad about myself; that line in particular, made my ribcage sink. what more when this person knows i have the strongest tendency of carrying blame unto myself and feeling heavily guilty over even the littlest of things.


it was so hard to fight off that feeling.
that mixed feeling of disappointment, frustration and slight agitation.


i wanted to say something really mean in return. oooh all the deliciously sarcastic comebacks i could give; i felt like Oprah resisting myself from giving my audience free television sets. but i couldn't. because well, i was partially lazy but mainly because there is no need for me to say anything back. the fault is mine to take, what has happened has already happened. why throw more clouds into a storm?


so there it was.
i did the opposite of what i usually do: stay quiet.


i think the reason why i'm alot of feels tonight is because i don't know what to do with them.


'i don't blame my mother. she is right, you know. mothers always tell their daughters to marry rich husbands because it can guarantee them stability. women need something they can hold on to. they want security. and sometimes, it is a man's responsibility to provide that security. though of course, they tend to forget that money does not always mean happiness'. 


now that i am slowly coming into terms with changing beliefs, i guess i'm just having the slight disassociation of setting my own limits and boundaries as to how far i would let myself depend on a man. because i am slowly learning that interdependence can actually be a wonderful thing. i am also slowly learning to develop patience a midst the havoc. that if my two cents is not worth putting in, i'd better save it in a nice piggy bank instead.


also, this song has been replaying for the 23rd time.


Big Jet Plane- Angus and Julia Stone

because it's already September (part 2).

it is ten minutes to 3a.m, and once more i am typing on this same keyboard with the same cup of hot green tea. guess some things don't change.


the same way i just came back from Jeremy's place basketball court to be exact, hair still soaked from my 2:30a.m shower. all gathered in a campfire circle without any actual fire, a carton of chocolate milk as furbishing. talking about everything from the meaning of dreams, parallels of universes, our most hidden dreams in life, disappointments and frustrations, goals and achievements; the basics of catching up. where talks are actually and literally endless, so much that we don't want to go home. give us the chance and we would have slept over at Jeremy's place.


except that this wasn't the normal type of catching up.

these people, in its most precise form, are my family.


i know everyone has their circle of friends. we all do, don't we? different circles in different settings. i don't say this with intention or thought that my other friends are any less. my love for the people i love is dimensional. but wow, this group that i have come to grow with. all the things we have gone through together, despite not being together physically. years and years of cherished friendship.


Jeremy see, i purple-ized your name whom i've known for a decade. a wholesome ten years, much longer than i'd known almost anyone else. it's hard to think that we've known each other that long, and it's probably no wonder why i talk to him like i'm talking to one of those cinapek mamats on the roadside. people say he's an ass and the truth is, he actually is. but he is one of the best asses, one you'd be damn lucky to meet.


then there's BoonHoe, whom i've always said was my little brother. always saying something without realizing the effect that it has on me. good effects, of course. my care and love for this growing man is endless. you hear me, BoonHoe? despite how much you think and actually do shit things up, you are growing to be such a wonderful person. dahlah kau handsome, macam pakej 3-in-1 Milo.


most Selfless Man Award: Adrian Koay. who can't even accept the award properly because he keeps on telling me that there are other people who are more selfless than he is. just shut up la ok. this one is overflowing with amazingness i cannot even put it in words because my words won't even do him justice.


JiaLi don't ah. if i write about this girl, this blog post will never end.


and then there are those who weren't present but were present in previous episodes and unforgettable times. BoonAun, John, Mark, Mei. all four whom have played such important roles in my short-lived life. i wish to write about them too but i don't want this post to appear like a will and as if i'm dying in two months.


these people were my childhood. all coming into my life in different periods and times, seeping in through the chapters like sleeves quietly, formulating parts of my story. and these people don't leave. nor do i want them to leave. if you knew me well enough and if i'd sarcastically let it out in slip tongue to you, if i don't want you in my life, i won't make any form of effort. i am selfish in the way where i won't care if i don't see anything worth holding on to in you.


but these people that i'd mentioned,
and perhaps so many more that i am not able to list down now because hell it's already 3:30a.m. i don't want them to leave. these people are stars amidst the skies of constellations that shine brighter than any other. excuse the damned cheese and corn but seriously ok. they really, really are.

I have come across varying walks of lives, meeting countless faces and phases... but no one compares to them. 

Justin made a very interesting remark about why God placed us in each other's lives.
so specifically and so uniquely, yet so simplistically.
how we are all parallel universes to each other, the way we understand each other even by just a flinch of an eye (:onz), the way we are so distinctively individual but at the same time, we connect. we just get each other.

i'd say each of our universes are rotating around each other. 

parallels. 

i am selfish in the sense that i never appreciate the people i have. i walk away and forget far too often. but God, if i can ask for one thing good that i do, is that i don't walk away from these people. that i keep them around and make the most simple and gentle reminders that i cherish their camaraderie. that's the smallest thing i ask for; that i be grounded and humbled and remember these people, as we all walk along our destined paths. because i am so very blessed to have these people be my friends.


as i drove home in my own solitude for two minutes,
i was sad.
but the good kind of sad, you know?

wow, so much gay emotions. 

such da gay song too. thanks ah Adrian. 

September- Chris Daughtry

because it's already September.

it was approximately 8:30 in the morning. the bright sun was glowing through the windows and i had thought it was noon. i wore an oversized World of Warcraft Naxxramas Themed T-shirt by J!NX for Blizzard Entertainment that i had been wearing from yesterday evening and Mei's baggy Hawaiian shorts instead of my usual dress pyjamas that i own. J made the weirdest i-just-got-awakened-by-the-stupid-morning-sun noise while M stayed asleep to my left.


it had been a pretty impromptu day,
what with me having gone over to spend time at his house til night time and then adjourning to Mei's place to give her cake and then heck, what is a party without JiaLi. an initial plan of sending her home later on failed as i fell asleep on Mei's bed and the night proceeded with intervals of waking up and laughing at each other more so of Mei and I laughing at Jiali ohgod and talking about.... stuff, at 3:30 in the morning before we all decided in unison to just shut up and go to official sleep.


i love these two. i really do.
and when JiaLi leaves to the UK to study, things are really going to change, i suppose.


there was this quote i came across that i can't remember at this point but damn should i have took it down or something about how when we really stop and realize how things have changed, how circumstances have differed and how roads have diverged, then only the sink hits us; that every single second, every tick on the clock is a change.


people are flying abroad. relationships, friendships and whatever other ships have burnt down and on the positive side, new ones have formed as well. in approximately one month, i am leaving Taman Sri Rampai for Sri Petaling before i come back to Setapak again in 2014. that means more distance from Mei and other close friends, no more jogs around the area, no more loitering walks in the playground or random basketball sessions at night. pasar malam, impromptu midnight birthday surprises, burgers at 2a.m.


just the distance, you know? 
as we go on each of our designated paths, we grow so much more into who we are supposed to be but every inch to that is every inch further from where we all initially started out. together. and i don't mean just physical distance, no no. physical distance is just a stab into the bitterness. it's when you grow further apart from people because that's just how life is. you can't go back to certain things, you can't relive moments and talk the same way to certain people anymore. that form of distance, wounds so much deeper than any other distance.


we can't choose the best pieces and string them together like a nice pearl necklace. that's just now how it works. but i am grateful for the collection that i have today. i am not asking for more, not meaning that i have any less. what i have for now is more than enough. and that's what's important, i suppose.


This Bitter Earth- Dinah Washington

because i'll be exactly what you think me to be.

you know what sucks? when people expect the worst of you. and they wait, they just wait quietly and patiently for the opportunity to complete their self-fulfilling prophecy. and when there comes a spark, everything is blown out of proportion. suddenly, there are sides. someone who is innocent, someone who is corrupt. someone who is smaller, someone who is bigger and evidently, the bully. someone who gets thrown around, and someone who throws that person around. all of a sudden, there are shifts. things change. real colors and intentions are shown.


well guess what.

because globular clusters are wondrous.

i just think it's wonderful when two mutual friends can conjoin.


when people have such distinctly specific personalities and traits, and sometimes all too similar: you tend to fear that these two people won't somehow, connect. well, at least i do. i realize i have this intense fear of awkward tension between two people who don't know each other but have a mutual friend and then are thrust to meet each other. i personally have no problems with that sort of social discomfort, maybe because i get really comfortable with people and like making people feel comfortable. but not all people are like myself, and i think that's wonderful. when people are their true genuine selves, so much, that they stand so separate and unambiguous and beautiful.


but when two friends of a friend collide in unison,
i think there is a little bit of magic that happens.


because these two people, after their first few conversations or face-to-face meetings, realize that they're not all too different after all. because they share similarities in thoughts and ideas with that friend that connected them in the first place, they are bound to find an air of affinity, a platform of unintentional coincidences.


what is more beautiful, is when these two mutual friends begin to develop their own bond, forming their own bridge. when they no longer have to cross the middle friend to connect to the other side. when they have their own tie to each other, separate off the middle friend. because bridges and honest friendships are both hard to find and build these days. and it's not like the initial bridge or ship is no longer used or boarded anyway, it just means that there is more than one way. a different way. and i like different.

i'm very grateful to have many friends collide into each other like how gravitational stars bind to each other to form globular clusters. the world that they somehow form together just exudes such an extraordinary and incandescent array of lights, and just knowing that there exists a separate, interconnecting world of selves is wondrous.


it's magic.


Off To The Races- Lana del Rey 

because sometimes, love seems like such a terrible thing.

toxic. arduous. impetuous. 

why do we love? 

that seems like such an extreme question. then again, there would be nothing to question if there are no ultimatums, would there? lately, i've been seeing too much of the damage that can be done from simply loving. i'm sure we're all familiar, whether or not with personal experience, with the bittersweet essence in loving someone so hard and so passionately and so deeply, that you get blinded by it. you fall into the spider web of intricately designed words and promises, you get so deliriously tangled in the assurances and stipulations; you are so sure of it. that if heaven existed and perfection was possible, this was it. and for a moment: nothing else in the world mattered.

and why should it, right?

but what happens when the love once shared ceases to exist? 

you stay in that oblivion.
amaurotic towards the reality that the world once conceived together is now gone. broken. shattered; from your point of view, of course. you have to return to the cold hard concrete and learn to be alone again. that's if you could ever be alone before it all in the first place.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

what happens when someone we love dies?

i can raise my hand to share, surely. because i've experienced death at its finest and most raw state. i saw an empty body without a life, without a soul. regret fills in the black void like bitter water diffusing into the cold lungs. memories become more vivid and they replay in your mind over and over, like an old vinyl stuck on repeat.


but the deed is done.
it has happened.
what can you do?


what makes me sad on behalf of these two distinctively separate stories is the hunger for the past. you are desperate for things that once were, for that person's warmth to be enveloping your skin. forget diving back into their arms; a mere touch. just the sight of them would suffice. for them to be looking you for you again or looking in your eyes again. just to have another simple conversation or pointless dispute.


what makes me sadder is that death seems like the better option.
because when someone dies, there is absolutely no chance of them returning. 

all you can do is keep the regret inside, learn from it, and hopefully grow with it. 

the deed is done. it has happened.


but if the person is still alive, still existing and breathing;
you go on living with the agonizing fact that this person is walking on without you. and you can't go on. you can't bear the bitter truth. so you grip on tighter to the past, looking for signs and discreet chances to seep your way back in front of them, hoping to change their mind. you forget what it is like to have dignity, losing your decency and merit as a human being.


from the outside, we look in and we laugh.
how can someone be so foolish, so idiotic to not see things for the way they are?


but while we are on the outside, there will be other people looking at us from another outside. most likely criticizing and mocking our actions and thoughts as well. a glass cage within a glass cage within a glass cage. someone is always on the outside, looking at our imprisonment and laughing at us.


it's sad.


Set The Fire To The Third Bar- Snow Patrol 

because i have been overwhelmed.

I have been having such an array of thoughts, all scattered and messy, it's difficult to organize it all into a single paragraph or two. this cup of green tea sits as my companion this windy midnight. a hint of familiarity and yet, such distinct new feelings, thoughts, experiences.


time has been flying too fast,
and yet, too slow at the same time.


assignments were pouring in, subjects were getting tougher, working had felt slightly more difficult; this semester came by like a whirlwind and in less than a month, i would be done with it. i woke up on most days feeling like a zombie; lifeless, motivationless, everything-less. I am Jack's pathetic cold sweat.


thankful to be taking time off from work starting next week to have more time in college, with loved ones and occasionally, if time permits, a specific other loved one. i hope i still remember to invest some determination into gym time! *gambateh to self*


perhaps i don't have anything specific to write out.
these days, whenever i have a thought, i think about it, manifest upon it, and then i somehow am able to let it go. whether it is something overecstaticly wonderful or mind-numbingly painful, the colour of dark grey or the warm hues of tinted orange, i am able to let it go. and that, in itself, is such a new experience to me, being someone who naturally held grudges and kept things to heart.


so my attempt at organizing this post is about the fact that there is no organization to it all.
that it is okay to be okay. to be in the state of mind of clarity and simplicity.
that i can learn the ways of caring about myself first before i care about others. slowly, but surely.


and to this, i only have one person to thank.
thank you for overwhelming me. 

because it has been a month.

it has been a rough week and probably going to continue being rough for some of those who are in the social circle i'm in. ain't that right, M?


it's never nice when two hands stop holding. when a similar direction changes and parts in half. when things inevitably come to its end, whether or the person saw it coming. it's one of those things that you can't fix nor decipher, no matter how hard you try. and sometimes, people try so hard to ignore the despair, telling themselves that it's okay. that it will be okay very soon.


sometimes you have to admit that you are not okay.
admit to the defeat, let yourself go.
scream, cry, breakdown if you must. let it all out.
don't hold it in.

because with every downfall, there is a rise.
when, no one knows but you. let time work its wonders and heal you and open up your eyes again to new comprehension, better understanding, and distinct perspectives. take this time to come back to your feet, recover from the fall. strength will come sooner than you think or expect.


my love goes out to all of you.

and to you as well. 

because time is a concept that humans created; Yoko Ono.

a few months back, one of my previously good friends had gotten married. nothing new in this world of constant happenings, but maybe more unconventional is the fact that she is the same age as I. and as of now, she is already a few months pregnant.


this friend of mine was known for being a trouble-causer. she changed schools several times, never finished secondary school, used to break a hell lot of rules by rules, i mean school rules and public law and her parents had the hardest time with her. her string of relationships were not steady either. so of course, when there was news that she was getting married (and not because of pre-marital pregnancy), it comes of as a shock to many.


then again,
if anyone we knew got married at the age of 18, wouldn't we be almost as equally surprised?

what is conventional and unconventional though?


wasn't there a time in our past when our grandparents, or perhaps even for some of us, our parents, had marriages that were set up? when marriages took place at a young age? my grandmother married my grandfather when she was 20 and he is more than 10 years her senior. one of my close friend's parents were acquainted with each other for a year before they got married.


this was what was conventional back then.
at least to my idea.


my main point and thought is that we cannot measure or estimate how people love. humans have put labels to time; there are seconds, minutes, hours, days and months. but really, how much one feels and  experiences in that allotted time is different from that of another. the concept of time is so relative and flawed; perhaps the only reason we do need the measuring of time is to align order in our elective-filled lives.


it is so easy for us to condemn relationships that fall apart when they have had only such a brief coming together i.e the Kardashian/Humphrey, 27-million-dollars-worth tv drama. so much, that we start condemning the idea of short and young encounters. 

ohhh they've only known each other for a month, how can they be so sure?
she's getting married at such a young age, their marriage wouldn't last~

nothing can nor should justify what a relationship is like to the people who are in it. we will never experience nor feel what two people feel when they are together. and neither can we determine what will happen to another's relationship in the course of the future, just because it appears unconventional to our ways and beliefs. what is different and contradicting to our principles is not always wrong. in fact, there is no wrong and right. there is only the comparison of those two states.


just like time.
two people may have only been together for what seems like a very short period of time, but your view and their view of the time they have spent is absolutely incomparable. you are not a part of their world and to be frank, you will never be.

i sound very much like i am defending something. 

perhaps i am. 

because we are an extension of the Universe.

'I look up at the night sky, and i know that yes, we are part of this Universe, we are in this Universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts is that the Universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up- many people feel small, because they're small and the Universe is big, but I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars.'

- Neil deGrasse Tyson 

and because the first page of this new book is you.

because the last page of this book is you.

'because you are a problem, juyi, and you don't even realize it!'

thank you for etching that so deeply within my being.
so much, that it would be one of those things that i will never let go, nor forget.
never.

because i'm irritated. not entirely, but i am.

'apa jadi, juju?'
'just one of those days where i hate everybody.'


it's bloody tiring, alright?
tiring that whether or not i try or don't try at all to prove myself, i will still be labeled and judged based on that label. don't even try to tell me that these labels don't come attached with pre-conceived ideas and stereotypes. that's like saying this cup of Milo doesn't have chocolate malt in it.


oh i have such a wide connection of friends and i keep myself connected via several social network sites, i must be popular. i am so popular, i dress so fancily to college, i must be rich. i am so rich, i go shopping all the time and gourmet dining is something i know of too well, i must have a boyfriend as well. i am always talking to people, so bubbly and so outspoken, so free go gym go exercise, so smart to be an Honors student; i live so perfectly, i must be this i must be that.



JUST. STOP. 
i am irritated, alright. because despite the fact that all these labels lean more towards positive connotations, there are underlying downsides to it. would the popular, perfect girl ever need to be reminded that she's loved and cared for? pfft, why for, she's already such an attention-grabber! would the rich girl ever have monetary trouble in the future? payah, everything always goes her way. why is she even working part time!? would the socially loved girl ever need someone to talk/listen to? naww, she's always got someone chittery-chattering with! 


attention is different from affection.
richness in money is different from richness in life.
chatter is different from conversation.


i am irritated because people need to think before they talk. they need to rethink their usage of words and before that, think of whether what they say is out of a negative or positive air. better yet, if they have nothing to say, don't say anything at all. just stop talking! pointless input of opinion is just ridiculous and upsetting!

also, you. 

Northern Sky; Nick Drake

because in being unlucky, i am lucky.

'It'd be better if you don't heed their statement of saying that you're selfish. It hurts but we need to filter it for our own sake. Let them do whatever they want with it. Take it that you never won it. I know it sounds harsh for now but it's better to detach if they are going to take it from you and not let you do what you want with it.'


Sometimes, some people see things and have opinions that are unconventional, even to yourself. and i think there are times in life when we need that to provide insight and a recurrence of strength that you never knew you had.


there's the saying that goes no one knows ourselves more than we do.
but how much do we know, really?
do we really know the potential of which we can grow, strive, work, and handle?
how much we can love? 


all the 'WAHH YOU SO LUCKYYY!' and 'CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNINGGG!' are only making me shrink more with the bitter realization of the bigger picture; that it makes me all the more unlucky and an even bigger loser than a winner. so much, that i'd rather not have won anything in the first place. i'd been content and i'd been happy. something that was supposed to add even the tiniest bit of happiness in me only made me feel the ultra opposite. i didn't need it, and still, i don't need it.


so i'm going to let this all go.
in the words of Florence Welch: i'm not giving up, i'm just giving in.


what i am going through now ( or well, better said as had just gone through) is a push in my own human  capability of handling what has always been the prime of difficulty in my life. it is not going to get any bit easier, nor will it remain this way. things will eventually get harder, we will all grow up and time will pass and things will be even harder to deal with.


however, this also brings me to a newer level of realization that i am blessed, truly blessed to know people who are there for me. being someone who is rarely there for others, i am thankful that i have a set of good friends who reach out to me and care for me more than i deserve. so thank you, you and you.

because i'm glad.

here we have people whom we question whether they'd ever learn to care, and then we on the other hand who need to learn to not care too much! 

dinner with Jolene + a pleasant surprise later on in the night summed up for a good Tuesday. good days are a rare breed. because for me, a good day would have to include 1)active usage of the brain, 2)active output of physical exercise, 3)conducting conversation and speaking only because i want to and because i feel the need to and 4)my emotions are generally ranged from Stable to Generally Happy throughout the day. 5)good food can make for a good day too but it's not a must-have. in today's case, i had ayam dara stupid personal inside joke and pasta for dinner.



some other random things that can equate to a good day would be the stumbling upon new music, driving towards a setting sun, receiving compliments that you look good in a pair of jeans and drinking green tea. hell, i sound like a simple person. but maybe i am, despite the 87% of times to which i think otherwise.



i like to think/believe that I am finding a balance. in filtering out what is necessary to go through my ears and into my head. because truly, i cannot live for anyone else at the end of the day and the only one who can judge me is the God i believe in. and i'm the sort of person who can do twenty one thousand things at once, but the minute i go into overthinking/anxiety drive, my body loses all its scrapes of energy.


i'm glad... to be glad.
that the sounds i hear in my mind are nothing but light strums of guitar and the only thing i'm thinking about now is how Conor Oberst is such a divine human being. that i (currently) have no underlying fears or sublimated trepidations. that all i feel is the simplest, most natural state of inner peace.


i'm glad to be glad.

and i'm thankful to God for having gladness to be glad about.

in the most beautiful and intricately plain realization, i am breathing. i am alive and i am living. i am today and that is what i can be everyday. to be the day that i have, for as long as i live on this planet. 

to you who is reading, i wish the same for you. 

Tiger Mountain Peasant Song- Fleet Foxes

because i will love you til' the end of time.

perhaps i've been doing a pretty damn good job at avoiding and sublimating all that i have been going through into my studies and my time when i am running. oh, i'm weird/conflicted? we all channel our hidden feelings and thoughts somewhere, it's just a matter of how and whether we realize it or not. 

unfortunately, being somewhat who is overcritical, i know how my mind works and perhaps, by simply saying that, maybe i don't really know how my mind works. but the fact that i think about it is questionable; whether it is good or not to look into oneself and scrutinize one's every action and perceived flaw. 

but which would you rather?

to be aware of your every piece of defect or to be completely unaware, negligent to it all? 

i'd rather be enlightened with the truth, no matter how painful and hard it is to ingest. the truth is never easy, i suppose. they say the best things in life are not easy. but is the knowledge of such distressing truth good for the body, and for the soul? 

some truths are hidden under so many thick, irremovable layers of lies. lies placed by one own self, by people around them, by society. some people never see into that solid truth beneath and perhaps that explains their grateful happiness. and what about those who do? 

amidst all this 2a.m thinking, what i do know is that deep inside me, i have love. love for what and for who, i don't know for sure. but i have confidence that there is something good inside, something that i want to share and give willingly. and that despite circumstances that have happened and could happen, i will always be one to look back and remember specific moments and smile in that bittersweet reminiscence. 

that no matter what happens in the future,

i will love you until the end of time.

because i loved you first.

you are my sweetest downfall,
and i loved you first.

because it is a strange time in my life.

i'd been filling up time watching really good movies, lately.
i'm considering taking up the challenge of watching one movie a day but i will save that for after finals, OBviously.


people wonder where i find the time, what with work + college and its overflow of assignments and deadlines + finals starting in three days, approximately. i don't know. well, i sure as heck couldn'tve done anything when i was working. the short conversation that'd always take place was;


how many days do you work?
five days.
oh. college break?
no. i'm in the middle of my semester.
oh. how many days are your classes?
four. 


twice a week, i go to work after class with shifts ending either at 10:30p.m or if i decide to stay until closing, past midnight. i wake up the next day, i either work the whole day or have class in the afternoon. spare time would be spent 1) in the gym or 2)wasting away at home, looking like a complete, bludgeon-eyed insomniac with my mouth hanging half open. i usually go with the former with efforts of looking and feeling more good and energized. sometimes i let the laziness get to me, and then i end up regretting not picking the former. today is an example of one of those days.


well, i am off from work for two weeks. instead of devoting all my time to studying, i spend my time watching psychologically disturbing movies and catching up on my reading, of which i'm famous for stopping half way because i'm a bad ass like that.


i don't know.
i used to appreciate the idea of lackadaisical evenings. just sitting by the doorstep, sipping on Milo and staring at neighbours walking by with their dogs and cars driving by. the thought of just watching life in motion, as i stare in subdued silence. that i could count the ticks on the clock and not be annoyed by its perfect pace. i could lie down on my couch and stare at its hands moving, inch by inch, and marvel at the simple workings of such an intricate machine.


i'm not sure if i can do that anymore.


the second i sit down on my couch, i think of the next productive thing i should be doing. anything. running. studying. reading. looking up new music. listening to old music. repeating the same piece of music. eating. eating shouldn't be done too often so not too much eating. drinking. drinking water. watching a movie. watch another movie. look up more good movies. queue the movies. paint. buy new paint materials. get a smaller canvas. paint. work. start working again. study. eat. don't eat too much. run.


i don't know how to be still.
i don't like anymore the belief that life should be at a slow pace. i dislike the feeling of not achieving anything and making use of the time i have. i seem to be rushing by every day when what really is, is that time seems to go much slower now than how i sensed it to be. i can feel myself thinking at a faster rate now; thoughts and deep conversations run through over and over in my head, like a piece of film got stuck somewhere in the folds of my brain and the repeat button is pressed on. it's terribly confusing, tiring and distressing.


when i go to bed, i don't sleep right away either.
despite the immense exhaustion from the day, i still spend too much time rolling left and right. thinking and thinking about thinking. like i just won't wear out.



there's something i'm subconsciously avoiding by pushing myself to do so much in a day. i know it. it's whether  or not i want to confront it. they say problems are best handled when dealt with. what if those problems are too big and difficult to handle? what if the minute i open the can, more than worms spill out? and what if those things that are more than worms start eating me alive? how would i survive?

because i am and i am not.

i'd been feeling rather inadequate lately, with the string of events that have happened in the past day or two. mainly from self-built expectations when the expectation itself shouldn'tve even existed in the first place. how do we stop ourselves from feeling things we are not supposed to feel? i am an adamant supporter of the whole 'you are in control of how you feel' mantra, but what happens when no matter how much you try, you feel it anyway?


how do you convince yourself that your idea of what could happen or want to happen simply won't happen because of all the logic explanations that lie before your own eyes?


we as humans are always more drawn to the things we can't have, the things we can't brand 'ours'. just why is that? why do we incline to this unbearable suffering we place upon ourselves? in simpler terms; why do complicate our own lives so damn much la? ada rumah, ada tempat tidur, ada makan, naaaaak jugak sedih. cis bedebahan


this makes me not get how people can see me as a social butterfly or bubbly optimist. surely, i portray myself that way because i'm not comfortable with people seeing me in my weakest state, which is when i am shaking and in tears and hoping to recover from such pitless void. is it good, though? that people have the image that i am someone who is exuberantly positive and energetic and chirpy? when i know that deep down, it is just one of my many personas that i shift in between. like an animal, changing shapes just to hide my face.


i know i will get over this. i know this too will pass, the way all the past butterflies had ceased to live for longer than it should. i refuse to dwell into any form of introspection, questioning why is it that i'm more fickle than changing winds of the day. because the last time i remembered, when i started looking into myself for answers, the turn out wasn't very good.


time to take a shower from my long day of work, calm down with a cup of tea, and get started on that bloody assignment which is due in two days.

because people will always have something to say.

 

'those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter' 
- someone famous whom i don't know and i don't feel like writing his name so ok 


evidently, it just says that people who matter to you and know that they matter to you won't mind. and those who do mind, on the other hand, shouldn't matter. in less complication, our minds shouldn't be so fixated on what people have to say, especially when these people have no power over us.


but it's so difficult sometimes, isn't it?


and i guess it mainly applies to people like myself who take into account what people have to say, even if they don't say it to our faces. stubbornness, i'd say. the undying adamancy of wanting to know, sometimes too much. who do we have to blame but our own delicate minds for being so fragile, so permeable to unnecessary negativity?


because really, who can live a steady, generally happy life if he or she were to be constantly analyzing the opinions of others? the only opinion(s) that should matter are that of your own and God's. it has to be a daily reminder that people will always have things to say. and they're usually unpleasant things as well because human beings are a big pile of suck in general.


people will always have things to say.
but at the end of the day,
those who matter don't mind, and those mind don't matter.

because it's a different kind of sick.

sneezing twelve times in a minute. what's up with that bro 

i'd been keeping busy extremely busy, in fact! with part time work. maybe that's just how i like it. being so busy that my brain has no time to overthink too many things that shouldn't be overthought. then again, when is overthinking ever beneficial, really?


guess work is taking a toll on my body, physically.
not that i'm complaining.



in fact, i am now at the state which is of polar opposite of complaining. what's the word for it; appreciating? loving? too many good feelings that i haven't felt in a long time. some unexpected ones as well.


Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

i wish that someone would come into your life and make you believe again.

because it is dreary to be somebody.

It's been a very difficult two weeks.
and yes i'm gonna use gifs to start of all my posts from now. problem? 





where does one draw the line between being right and wrong?
i've come to learn and believe that in this world, nothing is truly right and wrong. if there were to be disputes of any sort, there is still no one that is truly right and wrong. it takes two for a war to start, to continue and to end. people who believe hard up that their opinions are concretely legitimate and don't doubt for the tiniest fraction the truth to their beliefs are in my opinion, the most basic forms of ignorance. these people of course, form the bulk of society.


sure. i believe in God and i believe in Him with an unwavering faith sometimes. because it's not easy to believe in something that you can't see. but that is a question of my own faith, not anybody else's.


but who am I to judge other people and their other forms of faith in other Gods?
I am only human. and that pretty much sums up that the 6,000,000,000,000 i am listing down the zeroes purely for alluring, illustrative purposes in this world have varying beliefs. everybody is different. no human being is exactly like another. unless of course, you're the product of a shitty clone then yeah sucks to be you bro


i don't think i should need to write too much about how everyone has flaws and sometimes, some people have bigger flaws. sometimes some people appear less thoughtful, less sincere and perhaps more crude than the norm. but who are we to judge others solely based on our interpretations of them? what if that girl who is always late for class is not as alert to time as you are? what if that boy who appears to always be complaining probably has reason for being so? what if that child with suicidal thoughts is not actually unappreciative of life but just couldn't exert anymore energy to deal with the world?


who are we to think that we know others more than they know themselves?
who are we to judge people just because they are not like us?

'Thing is, everybody has problems. But society has problems with people having problems, not knowing that the biggest problem is not having any problems at all.'

-J 

it's difficult when you are on the receiving end and it always will be. 

to be told that you are a problem, and constantly struggling to believe that you are not. that you know there are people out there just like you, who probably have it better because they are surrounded by people who understand them. or not; facing the exact same condemnation from the people around them. 

more arrows. 

more wounds.

more blood and tears shed. 

Lord, let me trust in You and not carry this pain alone. I ask for a healing to my overflow of wounds. teach me to be magnanimous just as how You are. i cannot do this without You.  i cannot do this without You.

Day Old Hate- City and Colour 

because love is not enough and the road gets tough.

choose your last words

this is the last time

coz you and I

we were born to die

2:02 a.m.


i'm sitting in front of Mei's laptop, accompanied by the new silence from the ending drizzle and the white table light. just rethinking the past three hours and how it seemed like three minutes. rewinding back to find out what could have triggered such an unnecessary outburst, figuring out what happened, what happened that brought me here.


what happened?

because nothing never changes.

I would like to believe in permanence. It suggests that some things last forever, unchanging and unmoving. That some things will never let you down; you would never have to question permanence. It will always be there, even when you are not. But then I realize I don't believe in it. 
 - Nicole Anne

the change of colours of leaves on trees, the silent movement of still waters, the way the earth rotates so quietly and deviously. the way hearts suddenly stop beating for that other half, the way minds suddenly realize that what they thought they'd been feeling wasn't in fact that feeling at all. the way friends come and go. the fall into the lowest of lows, and the struggle to find that strength to rise above it all, believing that that this newfound strength is much more solid, only to fall even harder again later on. 

the world is permanent, but nothing ever stays stagnant. 

perhaps the only permanent thing that i believe in is change. 

i'm never one to admit that things are too difficult to handle. yes, life does seem to appear too hard to live at times but i believe that burdens are necessary, no matter how heavy they vary for each person. this makes me remember a short conversation i had with JiaLi earlier this week about how certain people are placed in our lives to not only teach us and test our patience, but to balance us out. 




and perhaps that is the equivalence of pain and pleasure of being human. 




we are our own personality; whether or not in the form of illusory compilation of everyone we know, the toxic media that we are exposed to or that we really are a unique speck of snowflake a midst the monotonous snow. but yet, we cannot live to being our full selves without having people continually stab us with their ridged thorns. society demands individuality, and yet shuns it when someone takes the bold step of being. i guess a bed of roses is never happy to be with each other, despite the outstanding beauty that each possess. 

i still believe in the idea that everyday is worth a shot. that despite alternating feelings of blue, yellow and grey, eternity is always worth the seize. God has blessed me with too many beautiful friends and too many wonderful memories, despite the bitterness of it all. 

life is still worth living.

because nothing ever stays the same. 

Hello My Old Heart- The Oh Hello's

because stars are equally as important.

       This is the first account, the first narrative. There was neither man, nor animal, birds, fishes, crabs, trees, stones, caves, ravines, grasses, nor forests; there was only the sky.
       The surface of the earth has not appeared. There was only the calm sea and the great expanse of the sky.
       There was was nothing brought together, nothing which could make noise, nor anything which might move, or tremble, or could make noise in the sky. 
       There was nothing standing, only the calm water, the placid sea, alone and tranquil. Nothing existed. 

- excerpts from the Popol Vuh, Guatamala 

Despite a topsy turvy week of physical, emotional and sound pollution resulting from overeating during Chinese New Year, crying over various matters that are of the heart, and painfully having to bear with the extensive fireworks to welcome in the Hokkien New Year, I have been having a marvelous time in my new college, which is the HELP College of Arts and Technology in Frasers Business Park.  

I decided that I needed to change course because of the electives that were offered here, one of them being Journalism, something that I always wanted to try. the other electives that i'm taking are World Literature, Personality Psychology which drives me mental, literally and Humanities.


while i was in the U.K, i had come to learn about this interesting subject of study known as Humanities. well... not completely, as i only had a rough idea of what it was. it is basically the coverage of literature, history, culture, philosophy, and religion, all into one subject. or in other words, killing 347 damn birds with a pebble.


and typically, with such a dense subject,
it requires a teacher/educator of extreme knowledge in this tricky field.
to that, I have no complaints because my Humanities lecturer is one of, if not THE best person who fills the role. the fact that he's only 24 and is about to have a phD in World History/Philosophy and aiming to start his degree in Chinese Literature is beyond mind boggling. WHAT IS MIND BOGGLING 


in relevance to the excerpt that I have written far above, in class today, I learnt about a few creation myths a.k.a stories of how the world and earth was created. similar like the excerpt that I copied to here, I realized that the several poems and creation myths/stories mainly imply the presence of earth, water, and fire. because logically, those are the key elements of creation. but of course, there are side focuses like the sky, as mentioned so profusely in the first portion of the Popol Vul.


what about the stars? why is it that the sky is brought into mention so many times, not just in this particular piece, but in several of the pieces I read today, and not the stars? don't the stars fill up the sky as well? and wouldn't they be unmistakably recognized by the human eye during the early times, what with the evident void of Sun? or did they just ignore those little bulbs of atmospheric light?


stars are underrated. even dating back to the olden days.
and they will always be.


with this, I end up my tacky insight on the premonition of the stars and their unlikely existence.