because we're always chasing for the sun.

7:45p.m.


the buff tiles that cover the tiny marble stones outside in the backyard were colder than usual as my feet turned a pale white. it's been close to six weeks since my stay here in England and I still have not adjusted to the cooler weather here. maybe some things just don't change. like my habit of wearing nothing but pyjamas when i'm indoors, even when i'm in a country with relatively low temperature. nope, no change.


as i unpegged my washed clothes to bring them in,
aunty B calls out to me.

'wanna catch the sunset this time, JuYi!?'

i ran inside, grabbed my camera, put on my hoodie and flipflops and the both of us dashed out for the car. thing is, aunt B and I missed the sunset yesterday, and the sun was incredibly large and enormously breathtaking. we weren't expecting the same big sun today; we just wanted to be in time to see it go down. bear in mind, still in pyjamas.


and if there's one more thing that i love here besides seeing roses everywhere i walk, eating croissant, sipping tea, and watch good looking people be good looking, it is the person who was more eager to catch the sunset than me; i call her aunty B because that's what she ends her texts and emails with.


mom's got alot of old friends here since her nursing days here when she was nineteen. besides travelling and seeing all that England has to offer, i've been hopping from house to house, feasting on barbecue gatherings and enjoying lovely camaraderie. only yesterday, I was at aunt Sharifah's house for lunch and the great lot of us stuffed our faces silly with nasi lemak + rendang, sang out loud to the BeeGees and did some Wii dancing to Iggy Pop.

back to the sun hunt. 

there we were.
two separate individuals, talking about life's everyday simplicities like leaves changing colour and jungle trekking in the forests. i always feel at most comfortable around aunt B because i don't feel the need to talk to her the way any teenager would respectively talk to an adult; always holding back from coming across as rude, foulmouthed, conceited, narcissistic or uneducated, even if we actually are. with her, i have no front, no barriers. the woman herself does not act like an elderly; she has an even younger heart than  I do, come to think of it. and she doesn't even try or pretend to be because that's just how she is. so yeah it's pretty nice.


we drove slowly past the seafront, watching the late evening come alive in the form of  young couples coming out for a hand-in-hand walk by the beach, families taking their kids out to eat fish and chips, older couples eating ice cream and watching the tide go. the theme park was full of people and the noise of girls screaming as the roller coaster dipped 90 degrees gave me goosebumps.


i stared straight out of the car window.
i took a deep breath.


seagulls were flying amok; blackbirds and pigeons floating around like free beings. lighthouses and ships a many were in a far distance; the smell of the salty ocean filled every empty fiber in my lungs, followed by the tempting whiff of burgers, fries and hot doughnuts. i would've gotten down the car to get me some, had it not been for the home-cooked lasagna that i had devoured completely minutes ago for dinner.


and so, the sun sets.
the sky retains a diminishing atomic tangerine and carolina blue as we drove back home.


go on and think of me as biased when i say this,
but you don't have to be far or some place else to feel...
infinite.


after all, when the sun sets here,

it rises up there.

High Times- Landon Pigg ft Turbo Fruits

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear? 


there's a reason why I don't blame or find a reason to blame people who walk away. I mean, I used to, you know. when I got dumped by my first boyfriend who then got with my best friend three days later, hell I WAS PISSED. i was twelve and it was monkey love but no one said that the sting from relationships can only be felt after you passed a certain age border. nope; life does not wait for you to grow up to feel, it comes out of the blue, like a sudden sweep of cold wind that catches you unexpectedly.


relationships are the definition of sugar, spice and everything that's not nice.
yes, we all know that relationships are messy and feelings get hurt (Summer, n.d.)
but i think there is not enough emphasis on the mess that is created in the process of getting into a relationship itself.


there is all that jitterbug excitement from having that special connection with that particular someone who seems to share certain weird uncommon, if you must traits with you. like obsessing over the same band, preferring tortoises to cats and dogs, and OCDly eating sushi three times a week. the other person seems to be placing the same bet as you, or worse, you think the other person is placing the same amount of emotion-filled chips as you are on the table.

then there's all that unconsciously built-up expectations.

you can tell yourself to be cool and go with the flow, but who are we kidding here really.

you do all things that require anticipation and waiting; you anticipate/wait for a call back, you anticipate/wait for a reply from your silly 'hey, what are you doing now?' message, you anticipate/wait for that person to look your way after you stalk from the corner of your eye.. it's a whole big bucket of anticipating and waiting, with fries on the side.  


sure. if you're lucky, you guys get together and be all lovey dovey, changing your Facebook statuses and going all baby baby baby ooooo~ on each other's pages. yeah but what if you're not?


are you going to start bitching about how that person is a complete ass for just being a complete ass?
you gonna tell your friends about how he/she was just a waste of your time?
are you going to blame that person for giving you hope?
you gonna scrutinize him/her?
you gonna scrutinize yourself?


there's so much risk when it comes to getting into a relationship because you are laying down your cards on the table. you are exposing to another person your vulnerability and weaknesses, opening up a tiny window into the place that lies beneath you in which its contents you're not even sure of. so when you bravely let that person in and they take a looksee and  they don't like, don't feel or is just not interested in what they see, are you gonna be mad at them not staying?


the before-relationship stage doesn't have to be hurtful if you think about it with a clear mind.

if you are not someone's cup of tea, it doesn't mean you're not worth it. 

maybe some people just don't like their tea with too much sugar or without skimmed milk.

that, or some people are just complete asses. never you. never you. 

and if you can find it in you to understand that it is okay when people walk away, there will be a day when you too have to unknowingly or knowingly walk away from someone important and realize that people are always shifting places, leaving familiar faces and bidding goodbyes.  

to a more personal note,

you are an ass.

but go ahead and walk away because it's okay.

Rosie & Me- Darkest Horse

1st July, 2011

it's a few minutes to two, I'm assuming.

my packed lunch box sits half empty to my right, blackbirds and pigeons squatted all across this fresh green grass that I sit quietly on without budging as I write, the lovely sounds of water lapping from the fountain a few meters ahead of me. the human chatter all around me spreads a smile across my face. couples, families having picnics, people reading and sketching portraits, some just staring emptily away into the hidden beauty that lies beneath the architecture of age that is the Victoria & Albert's Museum.

the building boasts of magnificence. maroon brick walls that seem endless as they go up, decorated with historical portraits of Queen Victoria herself, complete with commemorated etchings carved all around the sturdy pillars, fading grey statues stagnant atop the buildings and along window panels; all looking like they had lived far many years and seen far much more than my single life would allow me.


birds continue flocking down to the moist grass that I'm sitting on. people are taking off their shoes, dipping them into the gleaming water.



here I am, a beautiful day in London, and I am already so captivated from just sitting in the concealed garden of one of the world's greatest museums of art and design; a museum that I've dreamed of visiting for a long time.


I shall continue my walk inside the museum now.
until then.