because it's starting to have its effect on me.

from Kedah to Pulau Pinang, baby!
the land in which things like char koay teow, nasi kandar, apam balik, hokkien mee, cendol and ice kacang originate from. speaking of which, i have gained 3-4 kg from being here this past week. i wish i were kidding you.

i'm actually going to Fitness First tomorrow at one of the malls here, as my final shift in Penang had just ended today. SHED SHED SHED SHED SHED 

today was a great Saturday.
it was a tiring day of work but I had J Co's Frogurt for lunch and some awesome soya bean ice cream less than an hour after that. i srsly had no idea that J Co had frozen yogurt. await the photo of it as it is currently in my Itouch. AWAIT IT MAN I TELL YOU.


and with great food, comes great clubs.
okay not really but i just would like to spare some space to talk about how i have gone clubbing twice in the past week here and i'm going again tonight. what happened in Penang, omg, stay in Penang please, or i would just....  jump out of the 23rd floor of some really high condominium and die. flat out die. but still, MIST > MOIS anyday bro, anyday.


this has marked almost two weeks of my absence from home.
life travelling independent and experiencing new cities on my own has been exciting, thrilling and amazing but you know what? it feels like shit.


i don't know whether the company that i'm with names will not be mentioned to protect the uninnocent could be part blamed for that. it's like the environment i'm in continuously reinforces me that it's wrong to be different; that it's not decent that i sit with my legs wide open, that i don't need to be talked to because i'm not pretty or cute, that it's socially wrong to not want to mingle with people and stay home to Tumblr instead, that it's weird that i read books, that it's funny that i listen to Bright Eyes and Landon Pigg, that it's not accepted that i'm not like everyone else.


it has been a long while since i have cried broke-down style and when Mei called me a few nights back, i couldn't hold back. sitting on the familiarized carpet outside the hotel room, tears were overflowing as i fought hard to choke them away. i never really knew what it was like to be shunned for not blindly blending in because i understand that i've always been the type of person who blended in with everyone.


if it were not for the frequent calls from her and JiaLi,
as well as Liyana who keeps me company through texts,
and the few lovely souls on Tumblr who reached out to me,
i wouldn't have been able to survive all this on my own.

i cannot thank all of you, including those i didn't mention, enough.

now let's talk homesickness.

i miss my bed, i miss my desktop computer, i miss dance classes and the people who attend it, my mother and her constant naggings, my brother and his strived order with everything in the house, my sister and her being her, my mother, my best friends, church friends, my dog, my grandma, my mother, the maid, my bolster, my mother... 

who is actually now in Australia with the brother on the company trip.

so i feel bad too that my sister is all home alone. hence, i am right now in Georgetown White Coffee, sucking on free Wifi as i send my mother an email, Tumblr, Facebook and text my sister at the same time because i truly and honestly miss my family terribly.

to be honest,

i can't wait til i'm done with this job.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out- Bright Eyes

because i feel like Lykke Li.

so here i am.


hundreds of miles away from KL, tucked away in a dodgy, cheap motel somewhere up north of this country. aching legs comfortably sheathed in a warm, double-pieced linen and wool blanket. good ol' diary to my left, Wuthering Heights to my right. Tiger biscuit crumbs all over.


it's my 2nd day here in Alor Setar, Kedah.
it surely is nothing to brag about, this humble little city of little life and little happenings.
restaurants don't open regularly, though food is never hard to find. lots of karaoke bars and massage parlours.  not many people either. some are friendly, some not so friendly.

i found it really cliche'ly humorous how the absolute first thing that i saw as i passed the tol into Kedah was a paddy field.

as of this night hour, i am sitting alone in this bearable room on this queen-sized bed which i share with two other girls, who are not here at this moment because the entire group decided to go out for karaoke and beer while i couldn't miss Showdown on tv and wanted to Tumblr very badly. i should be washing my clothes real soon yes, i'm doing my own laundry here! before i proceed to my weekly dose of Glee which i am currently streaming.


i had a terrible sleep last night.
i just fumbled through and through, head filled with things running from one end to another. i'm not sure what things but what i know was my head wouldn't rest and give itself a break.

also because my two friends had the only two pillows.

try sleeping without em.

it felt indifferent.
waking up in a different city, far away from home.
without mummy to handle morning Milo for me, to arrange my clothing, to shake me out from sleep.

without daddy who would either already be awake and preparing breakfast, or snoring away in sleep.

independent was too small of a word to describe all of it.

to explain how it all feels to be so far away home & the people i know, doing everything myself. setting up the hot water to get my morning fix of coffee/hot cocoa, reading the papers, figuring out my own meals as i go out to work by 10a.m and finishing by 7p.m.

i'm only nineteen.

but i don't feel of that age at all. 

i fear being too old in the mind sometimes. i don't laugh as much as other nineteen year olds do or as much as i used to, i ponder alot about life & every bit of it's direction & shape & mystery & wonder & magic & miracle, if there are any left for me. i think of God occasionally too & the plans He has for me, if there are any left for me. 

it feels good though.

it feels good.

Falling In Love at A Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

because that alone, says a lot.

so i have been working for the past five days.
and in a couple days, i will be leaving to Alor Setar for a week, followed by JB, Ipoh and Penang, one week each! this simple job of mine allows me to travel + pays for my accommodation! what is logic! (JiaLi Wong, 2011)

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if there's an added advantage to my job as a promoter in a Sarsi roving team other than lazing around, sleeping, and eating a lot and by a lot i mean ALOT, it is that i get to see all sorts of fashion senses and styles come to life in the form of randomly walking passersby.


if only i were allowed to stop people in their tracks to ask them if they minded me taking a photo of them, simply for the joy of my personal collection of expressed identities.


in my opinion, someone's option of clothing speaks three things about the person:
their creativity.
their guts.
and their level and choice of sexuality. 


if you would allow me,
can i take a picture of you? 


Three Wishes- The Pierces 

because i know.

i know i'm a messy, disorganized little twit.
i know i leave my clothes on the floor and on the racks of three different rooms.
i tend to borrow everyone's things and then misplace them and lose them.
yes, i lost your damned RM20 sunglasses, i truly apologize and i'll get you a new one. 

i know all of that.

you and you and you don't have to constantly remind me that i'm flawed that way.

i know it's not something that should be acceptable but it is an undying habit that i've always had. and sometimes, i like being in a state of mess. it juxtaposes the supposed thin and calm nerve line in the back of my never-resting brain which brings about more chaos in my life than actual physical clutter. the unordered nature that i unconsciously create brings about a sense of peace and stability to me. i'm the type of person who just works in a disheveled way.


wanna know what else i know?
i also know that you have a habit of being naturally conceited, almost comparable to that of Mean Girls' Regina George without exaggeration, that you can't be bothered with the consequences of your damned 'cool' actions until the effect of it actually affects yourself, and that you want things your way so much, you don't even see how it affects the feelings of the people around you.


oh,
i also know the level of how much i care about things is more than the level of how much the three of you care, combined.


i know that it comes off extremely unfair and immature; the way i defend my negative traits and shoot out all of yours. i understand that those things i dislike about you, you and you also come with its perks. how it makes you naturally confident, bold and brave, how you are determined to living your life the way you want it to and especially how you have succeeded with so much in life through your relentless strive. 


but let me go a little, will you?
just because i don't resemble the traits and characters that you guys share, it does not make me unacceptable. i'm just different.

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i also know that my sister bakes the craziest cream cheese chocolate cupcakes.

and i'm confident now that what i feel for you is real. 

Maps- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

because i need to choose my ground.

Lord, give me a new heart, and a new spirit; remove off me my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh, just like how You said you would in Ezekiel 36:26. 

it's close to 3a.m.
rarely am i a night owl but since the past several weeks, it seems that i've ventured to the dark side (pun intended).


there is no music playing.
and it's been quiet for the past couple hours.
you know how people are usually afraid of still silence because then, they'd hear their negative, puncturing  thoughts even louder? funny for me because in this absence of sound, my mind comes to peace. or maybe i'm normal and sane and the people around me just aren't.


the Bible sits on my right lap.
i sit here, cross legged, half naked. face salty from dried tears.
the water i sip tastes more and more plain as i sip and sip.


i am drowned with overpowering thoughts and emotions, ones that i've felt for quite sometime but was never too sure about, so i ignored and put aside. i've not felt this level of fucking frustration, confusion, guilt, shame, and regret ever before.

you read right;

i am guilty.

April 2nd, 2011

why take the leap, JuYi? you're already so happy here.

i took the leap.
then i got scared, and crept one foot back to the middle line.
one foot in the grey, one foot over there.


i need to make a decision already.
and it's going to be one of the hardest things i'd ever have to do in my life.

because i was asked to update, ahahah :P

so i've been eating alot.
not like it's a surprise, really.


but i can't help it if i'm always being fed like a four-stomached cow. yah wait lah, one day i'm gonna resemble a mother cow, minus the sagging titties.


other than that, i've been enjoying myself as i've been blessed with lovely company lately.
today marks one of those rare days where my mind is calm and serene; not affected by the effect of overthinking and overanalyzing. just breezing through the 2a.m. solitude with a simple cup of water and Plain White Ts.


fuiyoh juyi, so short your post this time!

Rhythym of Love- Plain White Ts