because i'm back to contemplating.

here i am; up at 1 in the morning, not being able to decide whether to just fall into lumber sleep or to force the body to stay up to do some reading/studying. or maybe because of my unconscious reasons of not going to sleep yet out of the same old fear of guilt after eating a 2nd round of dinner at 11:30 and because i am waiting.

i don't even know what i'm waiting for. 

i can feel myself entering a new chapter and i admit; it is starting to scare me. for a while, I've not wanted to admit it because i thought that the less i think about it, the less likely the chances i'd be pondering on it from time to time. the statement proved itself true but only lasted a few weeks because i am still the same old person who simply thinks too much.


it is a new chapter in a famous genre that i had once ripped out of my sentimental pages quite some time ago. i had never thought i'd feel this way again after so long its diminished absence. in fact, i've blocked that particular genre out for so long, that the mere feeling itself feels somewhat new to me.


i feel like a child.
it feels like a new experience, though i know that i have gone through all this before.


i fear the anticipated heartaches, the anguished disappointments, the common mistrusts, the unlikely letdowns. i fear it all. and to be honest, i'd rather stay on this side of the fence where i am already happily and safely frolicking on the warm green grass that has been laid out here for me. why take the leap, JuYi? you're already so happy here.


okay.
i've decided to go to bed instead.


Skinny Love- Birdy