Lingering Sentiment

Woah, a one year old post. Wonder if I still got it in me ... ... what that is i'm not too sure myself. haha. . .life's fun no? There's so much more to do. So much more to experience, I can't die anytime soon:) I hope... On another note, all my friends have left I guess. Here's the part where we see the test of time no? How long before contacts fade, memories dim, reality smashes our faces in with a sledgehammer and a shotgun through what recollections or nostalgia that we could have:) Oh dear, this sounds heavily antagonistic why am i so sombre. . .? But it's true what... life's like that, our relationships are often like candles that burn out as time goes by. (Bah again with the candle imagery)

Looking back at my past posts, I wonder if i've made any difference in others' lives. Hmm. . . I must admit that of late I've been feeling rather out of sorts. I'm not growing, instead I feel as if I'm rotting. Rotting away, quicker than anything. HAHA.. It's ironic that my recent failures serve to show how far from the perfection I thought I was I am. Still got a long way to go. Long long long way to go. Not taking any shortcuts though. Bring it On LIFE!!!! HAHAHA!!! (No I'm not drunk)

Hmm... it's nice to see that many of my friends are growing :) It makes me really happy, I dun know why... Its good , a good feeling. I hope everyone keeps growing and not hesitate to seek others when in trouble:) HAHAHAHA!!!! The best part about this blog is since no one reads this, I can write whatever I want eh Samuel? But of course I'll try to keep it civil. (At this rate, people'll think I'm schizophrenic, but who cares, if a blog is about personal voice, then I'll do what I want.) Oh dear, rambling mode begun!!!!! LAughter!!!!!!!

Oh I finally got a Tablet:) THANK YOU JESUS!!! Yes my drawing's still off. . . I can only draw morbid:( I want to learn scenery though:) Oh here's a sample, it represents a few things and sins that still haunt me everytime I look in the mirror:)OH well, even though I've kinda been in the dumps these past few days... I"LL MAKE IT!!!!!! RARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha:) Inner beast coming out again:) If I were made an animal instead, I think I'd be a dog:) Loyal, stupid, cunning in some instances, lazy, and a fighter:)Need to keep seeking God though. I've this awful habit of soloing everything I do. Sheesh, independence needs to take a backseat sometimes. But on the other hand, I don't tend toi rely on people that much either. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that people who rely on others are weak, its just that I can't bring myself to impose my problems or anything on others. It sucks, because I always feel very bad when I do, so guilty. Especially when sometimes (yes, I admit) my stubborn attitude and self-realisation nature tends to make most advice redundant. Furthermore, I guess there're times when I don't want to; that stupid belief that I can do everything.. But my biggest hindrance would be that I feel so guilty for taking up people's time. Time's an important resource to me, to take it from people would be selfish. That's the word, I feel that if I impose on others I'm being selfish. and I can't stand that feeling.

I really should change the colour scheme of this blog though, its too morbid. Anyway, honestly, lately, i've been far from God. I was pissed with Him, my family, my struggles, my lack of support (nobody's to blame here, I willingly acknowledge that I am the sole perpetrator of this felony, I was just angry), my sudden lack of any kind of resistance to sin. It felt as if my whole will was just shattered. Dam frustrating... To make matters' worse, a very bad family quarrel broke out on christmas eve. SHEESH............... UNGAAHH!!!!! RANTRANTRANT!!! hehe the ranters will love this.

But, I get the feeling that all these are birthing pains (yes I must admit that I'm still very weary, but I think I'm slowly coming back to Jesus) Slow and steady, like a blind tortoise with three limbs tied behind it's back, whilst balancing a ultraphobic donkey on its nose. It's ironic, if I dun say what I feel, no one will see it. No one. Maybe this is wishful thinking but it would be nice if someone looked into me and read what I felt. Haha, maybe on the other hand God's trying to tell me to open my big trap and yell for help when I need it. But then that stupid guilt/ wasting time thing jumps into the fray, and there we have one big mess again.

Hope is it just wishful thinking... (Okay, snapping out of melancholy) Alright, I pray I get a place as a relief teacher soon. IWANTMONEY!!!!! And I want to teach too:) At least I can then legally use my big yap for good use ...(did that make sense?) So much to do, I dun wanna be a liability to anyone... I hate being a burden. Recent events have shown me how over reliant I've been on my parents financially, it's time to go out there and struggle with the rest of those 'adults' eh?

I wanna have my second childhood now. It'll be fun, laughter soothes the soul, makes for good memories:) Besides, it lightens the mood and strengthens relationships, subtly drawing people closer and closer, unless of course it's antagonistic mockery, which is just stupid now that i look at it. I wanna have fun, anywhere I am:) Bringing everyone on an adventure:) You know just have fun, live life well and good and just:) Who says you have to be boring to do all these things? I love being the butt of my friends' jokes:) If everyone's having a fun time its worth-it. (Of course on the condition that no one is hurt) I guess that's why I dun hesitate to shoot myself in the foot:) HAHA!! In fact, that's the safest way to ensure that no one's hurt no?:) It's really nice to see everyone's smiling faces, its like for that moment of laughter all the world's sorrows are gone and there we taste a minute, small and so tiny portion of heaven:) Hmm... but I guess there's a time for everything, better make sure that the mood and atmosphere is right first:)

This is a pretty massive post, but I'm not done. I hope my ns days will be fun as well:) With fun people in my platoon who wanna make the most of their time there and not just sulk and grumble:) HAHA!!! I've decided to adopt and official motto by the way:) When one meets a problem in life either SUCK IT IN AND DUN COMPLAIN or DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION. (Committing the problem to Jesus goes without saying.)

Oh well it's been fun writhing again, haven't written a decent thing since lit p4 a levels. Hope you'll have sweet dreams. I just pray that ...

This is mon ex-capitan SAMU..

My voice

I wonder if I have lost my personal voice. For years, probably 7 by now, I have usually kept quiet when it pertains to the matters and views of others, or at least answered their answers with a degree of ambiguity. Perhaps, I wish to avoid arguments. I am a person who despises arguments. And if I do start an argument, I find it fun and interesting to see another argue so passionately for his cause; so surely and justly for his opinion; it is really inspiring and motivating for me. I love stimulating others, be it into laughter, anger, sadness. It makes me feel alive.

Ethos, pathos, logos. All the aforementioned i use to try to bring out a certain value I want to see in a person. It's really beautiful as I said to be able to see into a person's personality.

But perhaps, this is why appear to have lost my voice. Deep inside, I have a fire that burns brighter than any flame I've seen. Sometimes it burns with hate, sometimes with passion, sometimes with hope, sometimes with joy. I have my opinions, but I for one has a very strong principle. I try my best to let others share their thoughts and opinions readily without any opposition from me.

On a side note, I think that I should still be more careful. I wish not to hurt others or make them feel comfortable. I guess from now on I must aspire to control my words. Yes yes. True true. My opinion does not really matter much anyway.(Ironic eh... there is a better way to explain this but I'm pretty tired now)

I often wonder if I should stand up and fight for my faith. Indeed I should. But there is no argument I can give against bad examples. I myself have been disappointed by so many people, myself included, that I do not blame those who doubt because of what they see. I am no advocate. I am no priest. I as an example, can hardly qualify as a benchmark of standards. However, the only thing I can do is offer words. THat is all I can do. This I have realised. I can only be a good friend. One a person can count on in a fight. One a person can count on to stand by his side.

If I could live in a fantasy novel, I'd rather be a protector of a lord or King. I'm no leader. I am flawed in so many ways, the hairs on my head cannot begin to count them. For one, the fire of hate in my heart burns brightly. Too brightly. I thank the Lord for his amazing grace that has brought me thus far, despite this gargantuan fallacy. How can I profess to love my neighbours when my heart still harbors a deep hate towards others who have forsaken me? It burns deeply.

But there is a saying. Sorrow and hate carve hollows in the soul that leave room for more joy. I believe this too. Wow. An opinion. Heh.

I sincerely pray that my friends in school live their lives to the best of their capability. That they might live fully and burn brightly and leave and impact on others' lives. May they excel in whatever endeavour they set their heart to. Whatever dream they hold in their heart. May they all live happily be it in marriage or not. May they live joyfully. May they find a purpose in their lives. May those who seek for something find it. May those who have lost something recover it. May those who would wish to change their lives change it.

As for me, I pray that I will live like a candle that burns bright and hot, be it long or short. And that if I die tomorrow or any day, I'll die with a smile on my face.

In the name of my Lord Jesus whom has never forsaken this unworthy sinner.
Amen.

Musings of me

As I write this, my heart is full of a thousand emotions, though none of it shows on my face. This probably sounds like the musings of an emotionally depressed or retarded person, but I guess, who am I to persuade you otherwise?

There comes a time when one gets tired. Tired of being told what to do. Tired of conforming to policies that one does not believe in. Tired of being underestimated. Tired of being misinterpreted. Tired of being held back. Tired of being patience. Tired of controlling. Tired of offering the left cheek. Tired of keeping silent. Tired of controlling one's emotions. Tired of adhering to the mold another sets. Tired of being put down. Tired of being the way one is. Tired of sounding like this. Tired of being looked down upon. Tired of being tired. Tired of being frowned at. Tired of being wrong. Tired of being contradicted. Tired of arguments. Tired of having to hide in secrecy. Tired of misunderstandings. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of being treated like a child. Tired of meeting hypocrites. Tired of being hypocritical. Tired of having to please others. Tired of the thoughts in my head. Tired of the beast dormant within. Tired of past hurts unforgotten. Tired of guilt. Tired of regret. Tired of pride. Tired of sorrow. Tired of anger. Tired of hatred. So so so much hatred. Sometimes its so difficult to bear. A hate that drives the blood through my very veins. An anger that both soothes and kills me. A quiet lack of forgiveness. Tired of revenge. Tired. So so so so so very tired. Just so tired.

However, despite all these fatigues of life, I am still grateful. I mean this in the most genuine and sincere contexts. I feel that it is childish to pity oneself. It is not wrong to have that pity. It is no sin. But it is a sin if it keeps me from accomplish my life's true goal. I guess this is just a time to let off some steam no?

I sing. I sing . I sing in the bath. In the rooms. In my heart. I guess it's still good to be alive. Being a former sadist and macabre obsessed fool, I do know the sanctity and peace of death, and the joy that comes with it. But, death in my opinion, is meaningless without life. There is no point in death if one does not live. My one true goal is to inspire in another's life a passion and spark to do well despite the circumstances. How or when or who, I leave it to my Lord.

But I know that when I accomplish that goal, I can die with a smile on my face. And face death with a kiss and a warm hug.

I guess whoever reads this will probably have many perceptions about the author of this blog. But I guess , I don't really bother nowadays. Its fine to me if people think I am a jerk or a weirdo. I have neither the compulsion nor the need to make them think otherwise. One of the most important, if archaic things about me is the need to uphold a standard of honor. As long as I keep to that creed, I guess it doesn't really matter what others say.

Oh well, I have much more to say, but I've run out of time. Oh well, Bye BYE.

A bit more

I tried some 3d landscaping today. Here's a sample.

Back again

Ahh... guess its high time that i make a comeback in my own blog. HAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway, life's been kind of gentle on me these few weeks. I've been so busy trying to pick up a few boggie riffs from the net that i have sadly neglected this lunatic's umbra.

I've also been trying to learn space art using adobe photoshop. It's quite fun really. Here's a sample of my humble beginnings.



Not too shabby eh.. if I may say so myself.

Ramblings of new thoughts

Life is precious, is it not? Sometimes I get so caught up in my gory fantasies that I forget that life really is important to us. From the mighty king, to the blasted beggar, each of them has been given a speck of life. A speck of life that can be wrested away as easily as candy from a child.

I am not a believer of the cycle of rebirth and reincarnation, and bear no grudge to those who do. But is it not sad that sometimes people die with not a penny to their name? The rich get their faces published in the obituaries by their family members as a sign of final respects. But, what about the beggar. He has no penny to his purse. No coin to his name. No family to grieve for him.

I pity the man in the streets. But I still would not lift a hand to aid him. Sometimes, with all sincerity i wonder why? I should and I must and I can. But I do not. Oh dear, as my teacher said, I sometimes write as if thoughts pour from my mind like a raging torrent and yes, this is true now. As I write this, there are so many emotions within me, its kind of hard to explain. ( Yes, if you must be childish you can run around screaming EMO right about now :)

Sometimes when I give to the poor, I feel as if I have not given enough. But if I do give , there is always this sick feeling that I have just given away money that I could have used to help myself. I guess one day I will figure this out.

I sincerely pray that I will not forget the oaths I have made thus far in my life. I pray that I can meet the the goals that I have thus far endeavoured to do. Maybe, one day, I will finally be happy and content with my life. Maybe I'll be satisfied with what I have achieved.

Ah ... but that is for another post on another day. Pity my inspiration dies like a fleeting dream on the break of day.

Goodnight :)

New Changes

Okay, just added music to the blog, courtesy of radioblogclub.com. Cheers!