Thursday, February 26, 2009

i guess im disheartened because i felt like i studied very very hard for those 2 classes and yet i dont produce the results that i want to receive. the reality is that my best is not enough to get those results, maybe thats why i feel so angry with myself. maybe there are even feelings of discontentment and jealous as to why other people need not study so hard and yet can do better than me? and maybe the worst part is that those classes arent even hard. i dont perceive them as to be some mega genius level type of classes. i dont even think i struggle with concepts, its just some minor detail that i dont get that pulls me down. ):

but i dont want to be questioning God's sovereignity over this issue. Lord, just help me to have a heart thats willing to accept whatever the result may be. and help me understand your purpose.

i guess i just need to work even harder, tho i dunno what that is anymore. i dont want to be disappointing my parents when these classes are not even difficult!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

i've learnt so much this week, i feel i've grown so much.
maybe this is the optimum growth period? (:

but anw, i am so thankful everyday of the abundant blessings God has given me. whether or not they look good now or not, i know that His will and His perfect plan for me will suffice. thats all i need.

thank You, the Lord almighty. may i never doubt your will for me.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i'm still struggling with how to deal with the situation at hand i guess.
i admit i still have many fears of losing him as a friend, but what is best for him?

i have the head knowledge, but is my heart willing to change?
Lord, please soften my heart and make me willing to live for You everyday.
everytime i think about running away from You, i know You pull me back into Your arms.
Just let me have more faith in You.

there's still the issue about predestination and election and free will that i struggle with. Lord, please give me the discernment and wisdom to seek Your truth from Your word.

i worry about the time when i go home, how will life will be like? how will things look like for me as i go out into the 'real world'? all the more i'm aware that i need to seek Your truth now and seek Your wisdom now before I become older and before I go out into the world after college. i know the importance of me growing as much as i can now and learning as much as i can now while i'm here at UCLA. and all the more i need to be praying for strength.

and also, i guess i saw the importance of having a Godly husband and how important it is for our relationships to be Cross centered. Lord, I want to trust You with my life and I trust that Your plan for me is the greatest plan of all.

Just help me to be strong and give me the courage to do Your work.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

valentine's day.
just trying to be content with what i have.
happy single-awareness day..

women's retreat last night.
just to reflect and think about the things that God has given to me and blessed me with. listening to amanda thompson's testimony. how God uses such trials in our life to bring us closer and closer to Him.

talking about evangelism and about reaching out to the needy. today was just a perfect example of how God encouraged me to grow in this field.

God indeed is soverign. nothing in His great plan will fail or go wrong, because He is the God Almighty. So i just want to submit to Your will and do what You want me to do. Just sanctify me and help me to hate my sin so much that i just turn away from it everytime.

Friday, February 13, 2009

i was just talking to an old friend, and she was telling me about her life in london. sounds so fun! i'm happy for you that you're enjoying yourself this much! takecare, better wear more clothes coz i know its cold there!

anw, we were just talking abt me.
she was telling me how life is fleeting and we should treasure every moment, and talking about compromise.

but to me, this very concept is what strikes me.
life is so fleeting, every moment we have on this earth is God's gift to us.
for all the sins we committed and all the atocracies we committed against Him,
what we really deserve is hell.
hell for our unrighteousness, hell for all our sins.
but He was so merciful and gave us His only son, His son that died the death we should have died, His son that paid the price for all our sins. The glorious grace of our merciful and loving Father.
so, since life is so fleeting, shouldnt i even more build a stronger foundation of faith and a stronger relationship with my father first and foremost. because life on earth is just a speck of dust compared to eternity.

so, with regards to that, those are my thoughts. more and more each day i feel convicted by my decision. i am committed to sticking by it and not let my feelings and heart rule my actions, but by truth and faith alone.

so even tho its hard, every moment around you seems like a love hate relationship i have with my mind and my heart, but i wanna be guided by rationality, not feelings. because i no longer trust my feelings as much as i trust my conscience. i'm sorry, i'm very very sorry that we had to go through this because of my indecisiveness, my inability to discern many things. i'm sorry for the hurt you had to go through because of me. i would like to tell you that there is still hope for the future? but i dont want to give you empty promises like i did the last time. and in all, i truly believe everything happens in God's time and by His will alone. nothing i can plan for myself is better than what He will ever plan for me.

i listened to a sermon yesterday. it was talking about the life of a man who died of cancer at 27 and how he lived his entire life of suffering for the glorification of God. i met this guy once about 2 mths ago when he came to UCLA. he graduated from here i think 5 yrs ago and he met his wife here. he was diagnosed with cancer about 2 yrs ago and how he was struggling with it. i mean, imagine living everyday a life that you know will end so soon, yet you are able to put God in the center still. how you know you may potentially leave your wife and 2 kids behind. the sermon was ultra convicting and i encourage you to listen to it if you can. just msn me i can send you the file. i couldnt stop crying, the message of the sermon just touched my heart..

God you are so cool man. why can you read my mind so well? hahaha, but i answered that question to sau today - coz you live in me(:

and to my other friends who might be reading this, i guess you will be thinking that I have changed. maybe to become more religious? maybe these things are just foreign to you coz i never acted this way before.

but i just wanna say that i believe that my life has changed because He brought me here to UCLA to learn the truths i never knew before. He soverignly planned everything that has happened in my life and even yours too, whether you believe it or not. now as i think back, i guess everything seems like its a puzzle fit perfectly into place. every event leading to today was perfectly planned by Him, for His glory. i guess this is the life that i wanna lead, the life that puts someone else first, other than myself. the life that puts God and the cross in the center, to act in ways that will glorify him. not to earn my righteousness because my righteousness can never be earned by my own merit, but because He loves me so so so so much that I love Him too.

seeing my fellow sisters go through trials and come out of them has been encouraging to me in my spiritual growth. i guess God has been encouraging me through them and through my thoughts as well. so, everyday i just wanna remind myself of His central truth - the cross. and other things fall into place around that. so, patience and faith and a constant reminder of the things i do not deserve in this life of mine..

just keep me this way lord, i dont wanna let my love for you wane.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

i seem to be struggling with either side of the fence still.
extracting myself from temptation.
but now i see how God works in my life, he's helping me too.

so, people say follow yr heart, not yr head?
hm for me, i think my head is more trustworthy than my heart.

and once again, im sorry for everything i did against you.
and i'm ever thankful that you dont blame me, at least thats what you say.
thanks for your patience with me..
and i wish, things were different.
but i'm finding contentment with every step/every decision i make.

Thank You God.
i just need to wait patiently, and at the same time just grow deeper in love with You.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

it still haunts me):

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

for everything i'm struggling with now, i remind myself of the Love that God has for me.
He will never put you in a trial which you cant endure.

valerie, think in an eternal perspective. what is this small trial in your life going to be compared to eternity. forever and ever?

delayed gratification.
jiayou, ren. ren. ren.

have you ever wondered why is it that we love to get ourselves to thinking about unhappy things? why is it that when we already know the solution- which is to stop thinking about it, we just cant help but indulge in those thoughts?

God, I am weak. But my strength does not come from me, but You. and You will plug all the holes in my life, only You can.

Monday, February 09, 2009

aww, my little sister is going to australia in 8 hours.
wow (: (: (:

I'll be praying for you (:

As its said in Mat 6:25
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yetg your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith. So do not worry, saying, What shall we eat or What shall we drink? or What will be wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This passage always comforts me.
Valerie, just trust in His promises. He will provide for his children.

i just wanna hold on dearly to the truths He has gave to me.
and just have a child-like faith.

God, i just wanna grow deeper and deeper in love with you everyday.
For the sacrifices you made, humbled yourself to save me from the depravity of my sin.

Let me not be obsessed with the other details of my life, but just to continually remember the love you have for me.

The love you have for me is as high as the mountains and as wide as the sky.
in comparison, the love I have for you is just like a pea.
but you still love me anyway, and this is how great, how marvelous your amazing grace is.

Thank you, thank you, thank you everyday for all the blessings i have in my life. let me not forget these.

i feel like a terrible person.
sorry for the burdens you carried for me.
thanks for everything.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
my head really hurts from thinking about a paper i'm writing now about art.
interpretation of art vs the experience of art.
HELP ME.

and i feel so extremely inferior to other people who seem to be able to crap out something out of nothing. i have writer's block ):

if you ask me to talk about myself i have a million and one things to say, but ask me to talk about a topic i have no interest about, i feel.. stuck ): and no one except myself can help me ):

so many things to struggle with, i feel everything is so overwhelming right now.
school work, i am not doing as well as i want in school.
extremely distracted from alot of other things. i feel like i have to be alone to focus nowadays.

resist temptations of the internet, talking to people, thinking about possibilities in future, etc. STOP AND FOCUS VALERIE. YOU HAVE NO MORE TIME ON YOUR HANDS TO THINK ABOUT SUCH NONSENSE. THINK ABOUT YOUR STUDIES.

And most importantly, I am feeling right now that i want to do everything i can to glorify God's name. and i must not forget, it is in Christ that I can do all these things. It is with his strength and not mine, because i am inadequete. that always brings me comfort. because nothing is impossible with His strength.

Friday, February 06, 2009

its part of the therapeutic process of recovery.
i still do miss him alot, but i'm trying to weed myself from thinking of the possibilities.

i actually find myself resisting alot of advice.
i resist and i actually dont like people telling me what to do and i dont like being controlled.
so i guess now when people tell me things i should do, its a natural reaction to just push it away and disregard it.

but i guess everyone's doing it for my own good. so i will try to be more receptive to advice but at the same time, I pray for discernment and wisdom in making concious choices to wean of sin.

thanks joel for listening to me whine. sighs, life is so hard, but i guess that makes us trust the Lord even more! because through our weaknesses, we should lean on him even more (:

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Jesus, I love you.
Just help me to remember your love for me when i forget it and even when i feel the burden of it. Just help me remember God's great great grace and love and mercy showered upon me, the wretched sinner who doesnt deserve any of this.

I promise you that I will get through this and trust in your providence for me. Please just fill in the gaps where I am utterly inadequete.

I trust you will provide for me and for him. Just give him strength to come through this too, and perhaps one day just turn to you, turn and run to you..

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

i will get through this.
please be strong for me.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

guilt exists either way.
but i think the decision i made, is going to help me see things in perspective.
at least i am not feeling guilty towards God.

i feel sick and terrible that my indecisiveness can cause someone so much pain.
and my mum will ask me, why cant you see things in a simple way?
i hate myself for the amount of hurt i can cause someone.
how can i even think about hurting him again and again with my actions.
if you love someone, how can you hurt him again and again?

I DONT WANT TO BE DEPRESSED. AND I DONT WANT TO BE PYSCHO.
these few days that passed, i felt like i was seriously going crazy.
and i think i had a mental breakdown today.

but i guess i am going to bank my hope in God's providence for me and him.
regardless.

to live a life biblicly, is to die to oneself and submit your life to Jesus.
Jesus, I love you more than anything else in this world, and you know that.
Just give me strength and conviction that I need to see through my decision now.