Friday, January 23, 2009

(:
everyday i hope we grow stronger, more resilient, and smarter.
with each other.

i'm growing to love you..

it happened so fast i still feel like its a dream,
but nevertheless (: (:
lets make this last ok.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

i think i've fallen for you deeper than i imagined.
its scary coz you fill my thoughts, until there are times where i cant sleep.
but at the same time, i feel myself putting a lid on my feelings because i dont want to get hurt.
so i guess all i can do now is to wait.

patience, patience, patience.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

this week has just been generally a solemn and sobering week.
so many other people's loved ones leaving as well..
does this mean anything?

thanks for your concern guys. thanks for your text nanny, haha i know you're reading my blog now(: thanks for your care.. i'll be fine, dont worry abt me. thanks suhan, sau, shalom and everyone else for being there for me..

i need more time i guess, i just really really dont wanna forget you, not a single moment that i spent with you. those days growing up and your love and tolerance of everything i'd done. i really miss you so bad now.

during the day when i'm busy doing my things, i temporarily forget about this pain i feel now, but at night when i'm alone in my room thinking, the flood waters open and i miss you so bad. why couldnt i just see you for one last time?

but its ok, i know everything has its time and purpose. i loved you and this love will still be here regardless. the physical body may not be present but i know you're watching me from up above.

now i'm missing my family so bad. maybe i'm homesick.. but yet i dont want to go home now coz i know how devoid i would feel. ): oh well, everything has its own time..

Monday, January 12, 2009

i'm not ready to move on yet.
once in a while when i'm alone i feel sudden bouts of sadness and tears flow.
these feelings are overwhelming me, i dont understand the pain much, but i know it'll pass.
but yet, i dont want to move on, i dont want to forget.

someone told me, you can still lead a life normal but it doesnt mean you'll forget him.

for all those who are reading and are thinking what on earth is valerie talking about?
i lost my grandpa to cancer on sat. i miss him so much and i resent the fact that i wasnt able to go home and say goodbye. i wish our last wasnt our last and maybe perhaps i should have treasured that moment more. but i know that regrets hold no place in death, and that God meant for everything to happen this way. i know he knows i love him very much, and i know he knows i miss him. i only wish he is in a better place where his soul lives forever eternally. i know everything has a time and place and that God has a plan for everyone of us. faith will pull us through, and i know it has a purpose in itself.

though painful, the only way i can go about doing things is to be more mature, stronger and just trust in God's great, perfect plan. Thank You for all the friends around me supporting me every step of the way.

for now, i'm trying to escape from people because i dont want to deal with symphaty and pity. i know some people are geniunely concerned about me and care about me. Thank you for that. I'm sorry if i appear cold/able to move on or whatever. I just need more time without having to explain/ account to anyone for what happened. thanks for understanding..

i miss you so much yet i cant do anything about it.
i wish i could have seen you once more before you left, but i guess there's no more room for regret.

i love you with all my heart and i wish this didnt have to happen,
but God has a purpose and time for everything. and I know you're fine somewhere.

if only sleep could cure everything and make everything better.
but life doesnt work that way, does it?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Been wanting to do this for sometime now, but never got to doing it until today.
When I first heard this song, it was the horrible-est day of my life I felt. Because the truth seared through my heart like a spear, stabbed and pained. But I guess the truth is always bitter and painful, but we gotta get over it and move on right? This song made me cry even harder because it just validated how I felt that night. But oh wells, listening to it now just makes it laughable at the whole thing. What do you do if you were me? I feel like I'm trapped in a situation I cant get myself out of, and I dont know what to expect.

Rehab - Rihanna

Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinkingI don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn,Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed meI'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you

But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you

Too little, too late.
I tried to be chill, but you were so hot I melted.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

the truth hurts, its painful, but you gotta deal with it.
i guess now i think i'm brave enough to face the ugly truth face to face, and not try to escape from reality.

thanks for making me feel more sober, i really need it (:

and i guess, there's no bitterness, only reality, and a change of perspective.
be flexible and look at things from the other side, maybe something better will come out of it.

i guess those before were going too smoothly without obstacles.
i'm not going to be so lucky anymore..

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

the last day with my parents, i wished it never ended.
but i got to deal with things like an adult now and stop being childish.
so in conclusion, grow up valerie.

and dont expect anything. because expectations only bring about disappointment. '
more often than not.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

time to grow up and talk about more mature things.
think more maturely also.

Friday, January 02, 2009

a new year, a new start.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

2008 just flew by.
milestones of the year:
1) starting on my first job ever and earning my very first pay check
2) getting my A level results
3) going on alot of trips in just 1 yr - Taiwan, New York, LA, SF (twice!), Big Bear Mountain, Las Vegas, Monterey, Napa Valley
4) starting university, and in a foreign land, living and surviving alone
5) making new friends, developing an american accent
6) learning how to use a GPS and potentially driving(:
7) liking someone and getting heartbroken without the other person knowing. twice.
8) growing up, both spiritually and emotionally
9) learning to react calmly to panic situations. like in big bear when we nearly died.
10) nearly dying a few times.

resolutions for the new year:
1) lose weight
2) get more As to boost my GPA
3) get more involved in school activities
4) try to pick up music in an ensemble again
5) get a driver's license, SSN
6) get an internship elsewhere
7) be more obedient to my parents
8) be more patient in situations i dont like to be in
9) be happy and contented with what i have
10) most imptly, grow in Christ!

i wish the year hadnt gone on so fast, because once the new year began, i knew that my family was going to go home in less than 10 days. sighs, the brutal reality of life. but oh wells, face it, life has to go on nevertheless.

thanks to all my friends for their support this past yr. coming out alone wasnt easy, i guess it really was tough pulling myself away and leaving sg and my comfort zone. but life's great now and i really thank God everyday for his grace and mercy in my life. Thank You for Your promise, Your plan for me and everything else You've done. May i just grow from strength to strength in my faith in you.

and to everyone else, have a great, blessed new yr. may 2009 bring about happy, great returns (: all the best in the upcoming school yr. and keep to your resolutions!(:

would you lie with me and just forget the world?