Tuesday, December 30, 2008

dont understand why some people are so uptight about everything and have to put the blame on everything and everyone when something goes wrong. cant admit their own mistakes and cant give way. this way, you'll never be happy. nothing will be good enough for you.

Monday, December 29, 2008

monterey is such a beautiful place, so peaceful, clean and scenic (:
i'm now in SF, having a great time. pity the hotel isnt so great, but its ok. we'll survive! (:

anw, have a great one guys, enjoy your holidays before school starts!! (:
takecare, have a great new years!

Friday, December 26, 2008

the truth hurts, and it hurts so bad. but i guess i have to be for once, a rational thinking human adult who knows who to deal with such nonsense. learn to live and let go dude. stop being a loser! wake up your idea.

why is it that i can feel like a genius sometimes, but with things like this i feel like a total loser. all the time without fail.

and i feel so angry coz i am a total idoit at interpreting signals. and all the 烦恼 and confusion, what was it for?

freaking nothing.

what a freaking loser! stop being so stupid.

等待是一种无奈的痛苦
you're oblivious to how i feel, unaware of what i think.
totally dense.

the statement you made: i dont think i ever made any girl cry, was a total LOL for me.

and i thought you reciprocated my feelings, so maybe i am the one who is dense.
i'm tired of feeling this way,
unloved, unwanted.

so maybe this is a lesson of obedience for me.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

i regret cutting my hair coz my ma says its not nice.
but oh wells, hair will grow!!

when your heart hurts, whats there to think?
i dont know what to expect, but i think i'm just a step too late.
i dont wanna be the spare tyre.

just keep it simple valerie, stop thinking too much.
and smt guys are so dense you wanna knock their heads.

my parents and my sister are here!!(: (:
its so scary to ride in the car with my daddy coz he hasnt driven in a left hand drive before and he keeps driving into the other lane. and we're driving this mega huge suv. tsk. people keep overtaking us coz my dad drives so slowly.
but anw, its good that they're here (: (: WHOOOO.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

fundamentally humans are selfish creatures.
even when you're not sure of something/someone, you just dont want others to get that person either.
this feeling sucks.
learn to let go, be happy for your friends valerie. dont be a freaking loser again.



i feel like i am going to be left behind again.

fundamentally humans are selfish creatures.
even when you're not sure of something/someone, you just dont want others to get that person either.
this feeling sucks.

i feel like i am going to be left behind again.

looking back, this whole trip was so surreal.
sf- the land of hills.
big bear- the snowy snowy place
lv - the sin city
all in all, i can feel myself feeling that the world is SO BIG.
life is beautiful..

every moment spent was all but a faint memory etched in my mind.
for now, its going to serve to cause me pain and hurt,
all over again.

my conclusion is that i over think and i am a very poor judge of people's signals.
in the end, all that serves to remind me of my foolishness,
is that throbing pain that is etched in my heart.
i wish for all this to go away.
be strong, yong gi.

Monday, December 22, 2008

only morons like myself think this way.
and i thought i could pick myself up after i fall.
but now it hurts so freaking bad i dont wanna trust myself anymore.
why must i alw get into such situations?

lesson learnt: dont trust yourself or your instincts.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

road trip.
God's grace and mercy.
will update more after i get back from las vegas.
meanwhile, its snowing in big bear mountain!!!!!!!!!!
DAMN BEAUTIFUL. wish everyone was here too):
takecare guys!

Friday, December 12, 2008

i wonder why i am so stupid sometimes, all those stupid questions i ask. i feel like banging my head against the wall.

but then again, it affirms to me that life on earth is but temporary. why do i feel this inherent need to conform to society's expectations of me? i need to erase those thinkings.

i only need to face one judge, that is my maker. and no one else.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

what happens when all your thoughts perpetuate and become a huge thought monster threatening to consume you and deprive you from your dreams?

i am scared of myself and my thoughts.
i dont wanna be insane!

i just finished my finals today.
i thought i would feel happy, but i'm not..
sighs, i wish there were another outlet for me to scream because right now i feel so frustrated.
i wish i can clarify everything so i dont have to feel this way anymore..
this pressing thing is causing me not to be able to sleep. ):

hopefully within this winter break, everything will be resolved.
let me find an answer that can satisfy my questions and curiosity..

Monday, December 08, 2008

finals start tmr and last till wed,
then all things about school wil cease to exist until winter quarter starts in jan.
i dont dread exams, i dread the results.

but i tell myself that God is soverign, and there is nothing to worry.
peace, wisdom and strength be with you..

fri, road trip! excited excited excited! (:
christmas is coming... which means my family is going to be here soon! WHOOOOOOO.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

i want to put You first in my life,
and everything else as second priority.

Is that so hard to achieve?
what are you thinking?

Saturday, December 06, 2008

there is always an internal struggle to do what's right vs do what i want.
will i be able to make the best decision this time and stay strong?
will i be able to deal with humanly judgement and rebuke?

i guess i get angry sometimes because i feel that no one but God has the right to judge what i do. and that includes you.

so we'll see, i really dont want to deal with this right now.

my heart says something, but my head says otherwise.
i dont know what to think anymore..

Thursday, December 04, 2008

hmm. how time flies.
last night we watched wicked. it was a great show, great cast, great sets, great lighting(:
but after coming back to school and reality, i realised how far i was from my ideal position of studying. so, yeah, back to hit the books yo.

one more week before all this ends, for now.
ROAD TRIPPP!!! (: (:
SF, HERE I COME.

Monday, December 01, 2008

with this in mind, i think about what i used to be.
it was always an emotional roller coaster, every single waking hour.
happy one minute, depressed the next.
mood swings? or just uncontrollable emotions. or was i just trying to attract attention from the people i loved and cared for?
the hurtful things i said, like i wish God would take me away from the face of this earth, i wanted to die so badly then. now i realise how awkward/hurting/painful it must have been to all my dearest friends, like weisan, crystal, zhenluan.. every time i would tell them i hated myself, i wish i weren't born, i wish i were dead, no one likes me..
No one likes to listen to such stuff. what did I expect them to anwswer me?

I regret it so, but i know there is no point in regretting them now. I want to be a person, resillient, strong, able to support others in my pursuit for my eternity. I want to be someone who is loving to everyone, even my greatest enemies. I want to embrace fear, negativity, akwardness, to be confident, ready to pursue what I believe in and what God wants me to do. I want to be teachable for His wisdom.

So many lessons learnt this year. I think i really have matured in alot of ways. but everyday is a day of learning, a day of praise, a day to give thanks for everything i have.

For He says:
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

How great is our God, even such a small humanly figure like me, He tells me He will provide for me, He will not let me fall. I am so touched everyday by His promises. And I can really feel myself being so blessed. His miracles never cease to amaze me, and I stand in awe of his presence.

Back to the topic of depressed thoughts. I realise that people who appear to be happy are actually the scariest people of all. Because everyone has a dark side. I dont believe that there is anyone on this earth who can be happy 24/7, 365 days a year. so if you always appear to be super high, super happy, the incidence of the plunge to depressed-ness is so much greater.

i always thought it was a bad thing to think too much, but its always a road to self discovery. if you dont think, what is your brain for? but our thoughts should never be one of.. sin. purposeful time.. purposeful time..

and at the same time, i want to protect you from all you've been through. i really dont know what's on your mind, why you feel this way. but i think we are kind of the same person, split into 2 people. so similar in our thoughts, i feel a deep sense of connection. but at the same time, i question myself. who am i to do this? i am no one to you. i just want to get closer to you, but i dont want to hurt myself by being rejected as well. this sense of camaraderie, this sense of attraction, is kind of growing everyday. but i dont know how you feel about the whole thing, i dont know what you think. i'm scared to make the first move, i'm scared to be rejected and hurt again. so, the ball is in your court.

and i believe Love is the ultimate healer. unconditional Love that no man can give.

thanksgiving weekend was awesome. awesome, awesome, awesome. why? because i got to spend time away from school and my dorm room. hahaha. oh wells, actually i like my room alot coz it kind of gives me motivation to study. this room is so freaking expensive to stay in, so better study hard!

thanksgiving started on thurs. we went to auntie grace's place for thansgiving lunch which was AWESOME. finally cai xin which i love! (: and, loads of good food and sweet fellowship and meeting other people. but most of all, we played Wii. my whole body still aches from boxing. and we met this small boy called bryan. he's so cute! and really really good at bowling. he even has his own move, the gangster move. hahaha. then we went to watch a movie called.. role models. i dunno, but i think its a movie that guys would like. its so crappy and full of dirty jokes i cant appreciate!

friday was supposed to be black friday shopping. there were really really good deals. i saw a pair of nine west shoes which i really liked that cost... 26 bucks. like seriously?? ahh so tempted to get it, but at the same time, i think to myself, do i really need it? besides its too high, i will prob sprain my ankle. so in the end, i didnt get anything, except an ipod touch for my sister. was super tired because we got back late the night before. just hung out with suhan and sau and attempted to study, but i got distracted and started going on fb. haha, but it was a good day(:

sat: 6 flags, magic mountain. it was the scariest yet funnest day of my life. i think everything boils down to your mind. everyone should cultivate a mind of resilence, a mind that is willing to accept things that are greater than yourself, a mind to allow yourself to be subjected to the forces around you. everything is in the mind. we were so scared at the beginning while we drove into the park. we were like freak freak freak, God, pls save us. i dont wanna die today. take a look at my fb pictures. i think this is the scariest roller coaster theme park in the entire world. seriously! they have so many rides, def value for money.

the first few rides, i felt so scared. like, what am i doing here? especially the going up part. the worst! but after taking super super scary rides, like tatsu, where you are basically suspended. like, in a superman pose, so its like you're flying, and riddler's revenge, where you are riding standing up.. i realised, everything is all in the mind. you're not going to fall down, you're not going to die, because there are security devices in place to keep you safe. nothing to feel scared about. its all psychological. so, 6 flags, definite must go. was such a great day, albeit my bad throat, which got alot worse today):

sun, today, went to church. was different coz the church was must less packed than usual, esp during crossroads. everyone went home for thanksgiving i guess! but it was great.

Time is a gift that God gives you. How do you use that time? Do you use it wisely to glorify His name? Or do you squander it away in sin? Thats why God will get so angry with man, because of the useless time we spent doing things that are blatantly wrong. I want to be a holier person, but am I doing anything, changing anything in my life to become more and more like Him?

So many temptations, so much sin. But every waking moment of my life, I wanna turn back to the Cross. I want to tell myself, look, what will Jesus think if I did this?

Life on earth is merely temporal. Are we investing enough of our time for our eternity? Are we spending enough time with our maker, our creator, our Father to create/share a relationship that will last for eternity?

I want to be the person that He wants me to be. I want to spend my time purposefully and to fulfil the things in my life He planned for me. I really want to be a child of God, someone He can say He is proud of.

And most of all, I dont want this feeling to fade away. I want to love Him, love every single thing He has blessed me with in my undeserving life. So many times I've sinned, thought bad thoughts about Him, doubted His ability to provide me, but yet, He still sent his son to die for me and to redeem me from my sins. I want to feel this way all throughout my life. I know the feeling of turning away, and the emptiness of the pathetic life without Him. I want to be a child of the maker of the earth, the stars and the sky.

I love you, and I thank you everyday.