Monday, August 29, 2005

liwen rocks
abigail rocks
aprie rocks =)
whee.
i will not think of disgusting things anymore.whats the point of depression.its full of crap.life is full of crap.but hah,nevermind.i wont bother about rubbish-fied things.whahaha.
nvm.have fun.
liwen is funny.whee.saw her favourite many times today.like 6 times.haha.too bad la.haha=) reminds me of someone.
abigail is cute!=)ahha
aprie..long time buddy.ahaha.yay=)
life in school is bleah sometimes.but because of them coming to school is fun
aha.i should not think think think.stop thinking!!!ah.okay.
will not think.will not think about rubbish that will hurt me and others.ahha.sorry to youu.sorry okay!!=( din mean to make you worried.dun be angry.so weird nowadays.sorry okay!!=(
valerie loves you

Saturday, August 27, 2005

xiaomeii!after all this while i realised that i miss you alot.been quite a while since i last spoke to you.haha.miss me?sighs.prelims going to start soon.hope you're doing good!=) take care okay.
youu.it has nothing to do with you.dont think anymore.the problem lies with no one else but myself.

from the beginning till the end,everything happened because of me.i'm the sole creator of all problems.no one else but me.i wont blame you if you choose to hate me.because i dont even love myself.its really okay.because i am a fat liar.i dont practice what i preach.kill me if you want.take me away from this dreadful place.
no one else can help me but myself.i know.i know that better than anyone else does.thanks for people who care about me.thanks alot.i really appreciate it.
and i've finally understood many things that people have told me,advice that i once did not heed.yes.i've been foolish in more ways than one.i know.its really okay.because things no longer matter.
things that i've hoped would happen never did.and i dont blame anything or anyone.but myself.too many things i've pondered too long upon resulting on the loss of opportunities.i wont deny.its okay.
give me some more time okay.and i will forget.forget who i used to be,things that i once did,thoughts that i once had.let me run away from my past and let everything unhappy go.i will not remember things that i dont want to.and i will no longer cry about things that are not worth it.
because nothing matters anymore.nothing.
i've been too selfish.endulging in my own world of thoughts.sinking into that pathetic hole.wallowing deeper and deeper in my own horrid mind.and buried under my own illusions.life has been good to me.but i had never appreciated things that were there for me.because i was greedy.i wanted more.but i guess things will never always be there.because things change.
my heart has gone cold.dead.sometimes i wish certain things were never told to me.because i dont want to know.ignorance indeed is bliss.sometimes.i wish i were never created.never existed.but i guess it wasnt meant to be.here i am today.looking back.if only certain things were done.
i dunno how to take away all this pain and hurt i've brought upon myself..and others too maybe.if only there were a firm and straight solution in front of me.staring at me in my face.
i'm very sorry if i've been cold towards you.i'm really sorry.i know nothing can ever express my thoughts and apologises to you.but its okay if you never forgive me.i'll understand.
nothing has ever been more painful than this.i dunno why.seriously.something is dreadfully wrong somewhere.
next week the onslaught of exams begin.wonderful.so i can now concentrate on my exams and nothing else but it.from monday onwards,i will be nothing else but a mugger.i wont think about stupid things anymore.i wont care about things that dont concern me.i will wash away all my hatred for myself and things and everything.i will forget everything.i will not cry anymore.i will not.and i will never remember people i dont want to anymore.i will forget the people who hurt.i will forgive the ignorant and the foolish.and most of all,i will forgive myself for all the mistakes i've made.i will not care.i will not care.i will not care.
i will make myself run away from my problems.i will cry them away this weekend and start afresh on monday.i dont care if its a facade.at least people wont worry.
just leave me alone.or should i say stay the way you are.because you never once showed me any concern.you never knew i needed some reassuring words.you never knew when i was sick,when i was weak.you never knew anything.perhaps my existence was just plainly nothing to you.maybe one day we'll meet again.maybe.
take me away from this pain.

god is so good.
god is so good.
god is so good,he's so good to me.

even if there will be no one for me,there'll always be him.i know i can depend on him,cast all my burdens on him.i know i can.and please let me do exactly that.i must study hard.and prove to the world i am worth it.i will prove to myself that i am capable of better things in life.losing one thing does not mean anything.because the grass is greener on the other side.life will get better.there are better things waiting for me.i know there are.

thanks people for everything.just let me recover from myself.i'll be fine.love ya-

dishrevelled,lonely and nothing else but dead-
withered away-
valerie loves you

once upon a time,there lived three groups of people.one- the busybodies.second-the big mouths.third-the gossip mongers.they all came together and had fun telling tall tales about other people.the gossip mongers would start malicious stories and rumours that were absurd about people.they would tell it to the busy bodies who would then tell it to the big mouths.whoos.they did have a lot of fun but trouble struck when they got their retribution.god decided to punish them and cut off all their tongues and they could not talk bad about other people anymore.
moral of the story:what goes around comes around.
valerie loves you

Saturday, August 20, 2005

confused.
lost.
cannot comprehend.
life was not fair
life is not fair
life will not be fair.
i know.
who doesnt?
bleah.
but seriously.
life has been good to me.
god has been good to me.
but the things i get arent the things i want.
yesh,i know i have to be grateful.
i do.
but can i?
xiaomeii,you're right.
i need to have determination and the drive.
which i lack.totally.
i know it,but whats the use of putting them into words when i dont even take any action?
pooh.and i should stop making stupid excuses for myself.
its the 20th already.
so so dead.
my time is really running.
dont miss me.
and i know you wont.or maybe i'm wrong.
forget me.
forget our past.let me go.
dont let it come back to haunt you.
it wont if you tell yourself it wont.
i have only brought about pain and sadness.
worry and nothing good.
xin ru dao ge.
shatter it.
my heart.soul.mind.
shatter my dreams and hopes.
my fantasies and wishes.
because they'll never come true.
never ever` only one.
freak.
whats that burning smell?!?
i hate myself.fullstop.
valerie loves you

excerpts of bolevard of broken dreams by green day.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that
I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But its home to me and
I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
Till then I'll walk alone

alone.
wash your hands of me.
i know`you dont need me.
let me go.
valerie loves you

i guess what he said really wasnt wrong.
and all i can say is that i regret it now.i seriously do.
i thought maybe we could have been different.different people.who made a difference in other people's lives.i thought maybe we could have been special.unique.and different from our predecessors.but i guess not.not ever.this is life.gotta face it.its really true i think.who ever gives a damn about anything around here.i guess sometimes no one.really.
maybe no one will understand what i'm talking about.yupp.sorry.trying to beat around the bush.haha.oh well.all i can say is.this is life.and its not something we can change.human nature is such.choosing not to remember some things.but i think i'm too weak.too too weak.succumbing to my mind.i think its not you,but me who is a slave to my mind.to my thoughts.and unfortunately some of them arent exactly fantasy thoughts.
aha.thinking of the many many possibilities.many things that could have happened and perhaps should have.and what would life be like if they really did happen?
things change.life changes.just like the earth.it spins.and around the sun.that causes many natural occurences.like seasons,day and night.tides.winds.everything.
there is a reason to everything.things happen because something triggered them.everything happens for a purpose.i know.
but i dont agree with too many of those reasons.just as yet.
i think i bear grudges.i seriously think i do.just that i choose to block them out.and at night when i think to myself and if they are too hard to bear.thats it.i let go of the tides.and ahha.natural disaster.whoohoo.madness.
i think i am crazy.seriously.mood changes like the wind.one moment its there the next it isnt =crazy.actually i have nothing to be upset about.haha.i seriously think i'm crazy.should feel sad about the people in ethopia.i do feel sad for them.haha.like abigail,my goal in life is to save the people there!!haha.=)
and my class seriously rocks la.shini.you made my day yesterday.perhaps you didnt even know what happened but you let me have a hell of laughter yesterday.you are so funny okay!!rock on babe.i miss you loads.but you dont miss me.i know.haha ='(
shini rocks.i'll buy you new socks next time.so poor thing wear this kind of socks.and yay.you are nice to me coz you nv do bad things to me.yay.huggs.shini is cute.but shh.secret dont tell her kae.aft her brain burst ah.then its my fault.haha.
aprie!!cutie friend.actually i think we go a long way back.since sec 2?think we quite fated..heehee.you rock.miss sitting with you too.haha.never mind ba.sit with you during bio and chem?and other combined lessons where we laugh and laugh.remember liwen?i still get a kick out of thinking about it.damn funny.laugh and laugh non stop.haha.
lijie!!i think we are so fated!!whee.monitress rocks.dunno why but i think lijie is my confidant.can tell her everything.rock on babe.miss obs.still thinking about those days though.
sighs.life is good i guess.i think i am crazy.contradicting myself in only a matter of 5 minutes.this post is crap i tell you.mood swing in action.comeon people.get on the swing and get the kick outta it!comeon.
haha.yesterday was nice for once coz i laughed so much.still hooked onto facts facts.was so scared i would think about it during oral and start laughing.but luckily i didnt.hoho.and things that gotta do with speaking,i'm over with them.for now.hahaa.yesh.
but that marks the start of the last lap.the final 400m.the race started last year.sec 3s,in case you all didnt know,you guys are in the race already.it had started when you started off this year.please remember all that you've learnt.because you'll need them.seriously.get your foundations right.before you start sec 4.if not you'll regret it.like i'm regretting it now.last yr i still remember mr tan saying that must get all the sec 3 stuff sorted out during the dec holidays.dec holidays are not for you all to play.your last fun play holiday was june.dont let december be one of that sort for you all.gotta start working hard in sec 3.if not you'll suffer like crazy.serious.
anyway.i'm finishing mine soon.once i'm outta it,i'm gonna be at the ending point cheering you guys on.and your race ends next year.haha.
xiaomeii!!yours hasnt started yet.so enjoy your time while you havent started the race.and to my sis too.ya.but i liked it when i started the race.but oh wells..
stop.no more crap.time to be a toad.okie.have fun.
valerie loves you

man.can hardly believe that i slept on my lil best friend again.was telling myself that i cannot lie on the bed and talk.and i said so many times.end up i got so tired of looking at my work that i went to lie down.then talk talk until i fell asleep.dunno how many million times already.so horrid.very very sorry okay!!bet she oui oui oui until dunno what already ah.then msg me,i slept.and i the funniest thing is that i was still holding the receiver.dad came in and said eh what you doing la.then he took it away and placed it on the phone.so dumb.then i couldnt rmb what happened then i thought wasnt i talking to her why i still never put down coz usually when i sleepy i'll say i slp le den i will hang up.so dumb!!how stupid can i get.then i woke up at 5 plus then rmb oh ya.ytd i was talking to her.and best thing my phone was on silent and charging.so i nv recieve all the msges.so dumb!!how stupid can i get man.sighs..
bored.had mock prelims.hah.if only our papers were of that standard.and unfortunately,its the june paper.dont think the november paper will be like that though.sadly.
sighs.very irritated with myself.keep thinking about rubbish.just pray and hope that i dont sink into depression again.wrong timing.will study.will not care about stupid rubbish.nothing that i can do anyway.keep telling myself that.have been telling myself that ever since.but nothing ever ever gets into my head.bleah.
people i used to know keep appearing in my life.i think its fate.quite happy though.like such a small world.people resurfaced..like joel,yan han,jane,elijah.all these people.quite nice though.to remember the old memories.too many things happened.cant really remember all of them though.but its nice to know that they still remember you.haha.
wonder if it would be like that in the future.lost contact with everyone.so horrible.cant imagine life after secondary school which is like so fast.
will miss all the people.esp my classmates and oals.sighs.slowly but surely.
okay.keep that out of mind first.if not the hole will be my habitat soon.urgh.meet my community of friends.haha.
must do something about my handwriting soon.so disgusting.ahhhhhhhaa.
give me wings so i can fly.
away from all this pain.
or maybe give me longer legs so i can run.
run away from home
from things that make me upset.
but all of the above can never exist.
so will you take me away?
take me away from all these.
let me run away with you?
please..
nothing matters anymore.
because i dont mean anything.
valerie loves you

Friday, August 19, 2005

"Almost Here"(feat. Delta Goodrem)
Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you
But when I need you, you're almost here
(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)
And when I hold you, you're almost here
(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)
(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here)
Only almost here

this is a super sad song.hear already will cry.and i still so mean laugh at other people who cry at songs.aha.poohs.watching love serials.quite nice.haha.quite sad,but all the endings are expected.if not i will throw eggs at the television.haha.
superstar,the results quite unexpected..but no comments.
after watching the results show last night,i could draw a link between so many things that have been happening.this year isit a good year.just pray and hope for the best for our upcoming exams.sighs.practicals were the last today.sadly but surely.QA is tough.i dont like heating things.have a phobia of fire and heat.so irritating.and i hate the acid.very unnerving.sighs.been thinking what if something happens...
and i was thinking about so many many things.slowly but surely.
cant help but think and think.its just me.
anyway,went to elga's grandma's house.her cousins are so cute!!=)whee.babies are cute.the xiao boy boy very ke ai.=) yay.hee.
singing songs make me sad.pooh.
valerie loves you

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

man.9th of august.just gone like that.yet again.how time flies.i let out a huge sigh.
fireworks.didnt get to see any except on tv.how cute.haha.lucky miss yuen got to see so many.almost every saturday.haha.sighs.
weisan go home liao.quite funny.babe,i think i slacked all the way.man.that totally sucked right.we failed in our supposed attempt to prank someone.because both of us fell asleep.funny!!anyway,happy birthday pam!!whee.and also to singapore.haha.40 years old.whee.hohoho.one day gone.yet another disappointment.in myself that is.
valerie loves you

haha.national day celebrations over liao.that reinforces the fact that prelims are coming.sooner than we expect.sighs.and also marks the end of our term.
went for fop.it rocked.whee.xiaomeii and sher were funny.but sometimes QUITE annoying.haha.no la.joking.*winks*
ytd aft the celebrations we were planning to go to san's aunt's place.then ended up at tp having lunch and keep saying i wanna eat this i wanna eat that.bleah.haha.then after that miss zhang called.then wanted to watch charlie.so last minute.went to see.so many people and no tickets.then wanted to watch the something crashers.i think it was wedding crashers or smt like that.but its nc 16.i couldnt pass.they were checking.too bad man.sighs.
so ended up miss zhang was disappointed.haha.then went to her aunt's place.where i ended up doing nothing but watching tv and 5 mcq chem questions.best right.
sighs.i wanna end it all.like once and for all.but i cannot.i cant bear to.so i'll just stick by it and keep quiet.shhh.like a church mouse.haha.lame.
but its just sometimes i really wonder.who am i to you.what exactly do you treat me as.i have no idea.but sometimes i feel like you treat me like some spare tyre.like some person when you need then take out.if not then just chuck aside and pretend you dont even know.sometimes.maybe its just a one-sided point of view.but it hurts.really it does.its painful.and i would like to evade it.but i cant.at first i thought you were just busy and busy.but soon after that i realised it wasnt the busyness that got to you.it was something else.but i cant figure what it was.till now.i'm still clinging on.like some monkey clinging on to the branches for dear life.i am.i am who i am now because you moulded me to be like that.i cant help but feel so lost sometimes.like why are you treating me like this.and then aft that i take a step back and think.actually it wasnt very bad.its just me.and what i want.which brings me to the point that people dont get what they want all the time.they dont.and actually i think i know what you're thinking la.its either this or that.but actually people tell me not to bother.but how can i?i am not that sort who dont care then dont care?but all i want to say is that.it hurts.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

some people need counselling.say we need counselling.take a look at yourself in the mirror.
always thinking they are right.dont see our side of the story then make comments.hello.wake up okay.i live my life in my own dont need you all to make comments for me.thanks.but no thanks.hah.i feel better after talking it out.man.people like them done deserve my time and breath.hah.
forever hurling accusations at me.
like no ones buisness.
dont even know what is going on just talk crap crap.okay.be that way.hope that one day you might see the light.but your time is short.not as long as mine.moulding a child's character is what you failed to achieve.i am what i am because of you.whee.thanks alot for everything you've given me.taught me how to be patient and more tolerant.thanks loads.hah.
valerie loves you

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

everything comes with a price.happiness comes with a price.pride and prestige comes with a price.everything does.
valerie should stop being petty.sighs.irritated with stupid things.that disgust me.bleah.
this isnt a meritocratic world.that statement totally a lie.gosh.really discovered the true nature of this ugly world recently.
that ugle big black hole is pulling me in again.ahhh.get out of it man.freak.
but that woman is blind.please open your eyes okay.please.for goodness sake.open your eyes!!man.pukes blood.its unfair.nothing is.she lied.liar.please.suddenly i dont want it.i dont even deserve it.i dont even fit in that category.hello.i think i can be considered put in more effort than them okay.please.open your eyes lor.but hey,who says people have to praise you and thank you for it.no one.please.urgh.
enough.i go now.study hardy for tests tml.take care peeps.
='(
valerie loves you