Monday, April 25, 2005

blah.being crappy again.haha.why am i not suprised.find that my life is falling apart.oh noos.why am i back to this crap again.bleahx.valerie ah valerie.sighs.maybe i need counselling

but no matter how depressed i am.i wont ever ever self inflict.i dunno but to those who do it.pls!!i beg you.stop it.you all dunno how much how much pain and emotional wounds you guys inflict on your friends and loved ones.no problem is too big to be resolved.so what for cut yourselves?is it fun?i dont think so man.smt i feel its a way of attracting attention.what for?its not worth it.these scars will be here to stay and remind you of your pain.so what for?it really isnt worth it.i mean talk it out!what for hurt yourself and hurt others in the process.tell me why.i wanna know why.stupid things people do to hurt themselves.why cant you see that life is precious?your life here on earth is for a purpose.for a purpose.you maynot find it now.but you will.eventually.god gave you a life for a reason.and it definetely isnt given to you to cause hurt and pain to yourself.and it definetely isnt to hurt others too!so must treasure life.there are other more worthful ways to give out your blood you know.like donating it?!dont waste your blood man.others out there need it more than you are wasting it ok.so no point!i really dont wish to see you all like that.it pains me to know that i cant do anything.it really does.like a knife cutting my heart into a million pieces.cant mend anymore you know.so dont let that knife poke deeper and cause more wounds ok.so if you guys are reading this.i dunno if i know that you are anot la.but if you fall in this category, WAKE UP!ok.wake up from lala land man.hurting yourself doesnt do you any good ok.it doesnt.maybe looking at your wounds and blood shed is very shuang.but so what?does it do anything to help you?if it does come and tell me.i wanna know.nothing is too difficult to overcome.have the strength of your mind and character.you must be strong and not do any foolish things.stop hurting yourself and others around you.stop it.its not worth it.it really isnt.it isnt. *screams*

sighs.ok.enough of my preaching.wells.i dunno.i dunno.

been crazy crazy crazy.thinking about stupid stuff.hahs.silly me.realised that i need reassurance.i need someone to clear my doubts and to reassure me.and to wake me up and drill into me that i am not alone.and that someone cares about me.and i am not unwanted?hah.this is really very selfish man.sighs.no one will.coz everyone has their own lives and everyone is busy.oh wells.its ok.i will reassure myself and try to lie to myself.but valerie doesnt lie.oh wells.contradicting myself again.which is like so not uncommon.

when i needed you you werent there.becoz you din know.or was it becoz you din bother?i dunno.but you are busy.with so many things.so i wont disturb you man.and dont ever feel guilty.coz it isnt anyone's fault.its mine.my own.and i will face the consequences on my own.coz it is my responsibility.i dont even know if you hurt me anot.i dun even know.but i doubt so la.coz i think i myself hurt myself.and i am so confused now.i dun even know what to think what to say what to do.i dont.i doubt myself so much that i dont even know myself anymore.i dont.and if you dunno what to say its ok.as long as you know that i exist can liao.i am comforted by that fact.but i feel as if we're no longer close as before sometimes.is it just me or am i stating a fact.

and i'm sorry to you.i din realise that i stole from you.i am so so so sorry.what can i do to make it up to you?hahs.nvm.haha.

thanks to whoever out there is reading this.sorry if i took alot of your time.just being lame as usual.and i hope to be able to keep a nice real smile tml when i go to school.bleahx.

and being depressed is addictive.whenever i try to get out of it, i get myself back into this never ending cycle of depression.and i have a feeling that from now onwards some people are going to give into me coz they scared i cry.hey.dont do that ok.i will feel so useless.aiya.i dunno what i am saying la.crazy liao la.okok.i will stop here and stop torturing all those readers out there.

just wanna let you know that i care.

i feel like such a failure smt though.coz i told e sec 3s to stay strong and must be able to cope with stresses all these.but i am not a good role model.i aint.so i'm so sorry to you guys there. i realise i should be focusing on my studies. i wont cry coz of my studies.and i doubt i have ever cried becoz of it.well.i used to think that crying was a way of relieving stress and letting things out and letting them go.but now i realised that crying smt is a immature way of handling situations and it shows the weaknesses of one.and aft crying i feel so tired and washed out that i cant go back to study and all i can do is sleep like some fat pig.sighs

cant really find happiness in my life now.dunno why.i cant go on being so bei guan.so all i can do is pray to god that he'll help me.

and i like this quote:
when you face a problem dun say hey god i have a big problem but rather,say hey problem i have a big god.

and sining once told me that what your mind concieves,it can achieve.so to all the people out there reading this.yes.aim for your goals and think positive.anything is possible.'impossible is nothing' *winks to youu*bleahx.

whoos.been a long long time since i updated.to all those people who had asked me to update, sorry for keeping you guys waiting for so long ya.sorry!='(

oh wells.i last updated on 15 feb.been abt 2 months and 9 days now.so long i just realised.and this past 2 months have seen me change alot alot.been busy with everything.work load piles up.but ironically i think i have slacked quite alot.oh wells.

found out about some unhappy things.been crying for the past 4 consecutive days.just wanna say to bi huan,weisan,zl and kate.sorry for making you guys worry abt me.i'll be fine de.just needed to sort out my thoughts.

well,found out abt my life.my friends whom i regarded as good ones.who apparently erm hurt me.dunno.i wanna know why.why you hurt me this way.why.i regarded you and i still regard you as my good friend.i have never ever said anything bad or mean about you.i dunno what i did.but i wanna know what made you say those stuff about me.ya,maybe i'm irritating.maybe i'm fake.maybe i'm selfish.ya.

and yup.i do have mood swings.but the goofy smile on my face is fake ok.i have to like force myself to put it on everyday so that i wont affect people.as if i do la.i dunno ok.but it seemed to me at a certain point of time that no one.no one in this big vast earth cared about a stupid freak named zhang jinghui valerie.she's so non existant.oh wells.

i feel fake sometimes.i dun wanna laugh and smile.but i have to.coz if not some pple will think i wallow in self pity.you dont understand me.you dont.and dun try to.coz i dont wanna let you.you hurt me time and time again.when i did nothing to harm you.and i never had any intention to.ever.and no matter how you hate me.i wont hate you back.i wont.

and sorry to all those out there who have worried for me.i'm sorry for making you guys worry.thanks for all your concern and smses.thanks a lot.it really means alot to me.

but i've sorted out my thoughts.did so last night.whats the point of living in unhappiness when life is not all about pain sorrow hurt and sadness.life is short.time is the only coin we have in our lives.it is only us who can spend it.only us who can decide how to spend it.how to use it wisely.to live life to the fullest.

but despite saying all these,i know that i have a high tendency to revert back to thinking about rubbish stuff.so i must ask my frens to help me rmb what i said?and i hope i dont break my promises.all that i've said.yes.god pls help me.i'm struggling here.with emotional pain and wounds that have yet to be healed.pls help me!!its the devil's work in my mind.my hardworking mind playing tricks on me again.making me think about some rubbish shit stuff i dont wanna.so i will force myself not to.i wont think of rubbish.iwont.

and i wont cry

my eyes are so dry now.and i look like some weird goldfish.must call the aquarium pple come and fetch me home liao.bleahx.i promise not to make you worry for me liao.i promise *gou gou shou zi*