TRAMATISED

By how MY piece of artwork went down the drain.

Just look.

人心真可怕

人心是肉做的，何尝是件好事。
人心可以在一夜之间变，
它可以变的好可怕。
天堂、地狱 只在那一线之差，
人心难测，好可怕，好可怕。

One moment he treats u like u are the moon in his sky, the only one around, unique, lovely, important and would not go unnoticed.
But the next moment, within a few days, few weeks or few months, u become the star alike the other many ones hanging around, no longer unique, no longer important and no longer able to gain his attention. You have become just like any other ones that he doesn't look at anymore.

Love makes everything beautiful. But without love, every word are lies, every promise is fake, every honesty can't be trusted, every believe is empty.

Jinx Fridays

It's Friday once again! Let's see what shitty news Facebook or other sources has to show to me today.

Lets see what shit u have created and would be thrown into my face shortly!

You motherfucker.

My life really doesn't have anything much to look forward to, I guess that's the main thing contributing to my moodiness and unhappiness.

金字良言

今晚我居然从一个21岁口中听到很有道理的两句话：
"新鲜感" 和
"never settle for something less than what you deserve"

感觉真惭愧

Just when a 30 and 25 was wondering abt life and abt rships, someone much younger than us could tell us something which we couldn't/haven't realized.

It's amazing.

Or perhaps, 人长大了太多七情六欲，看事也看得模糊了。。

也许文盲、也许色盲、更也许是情盲。

又有谁真正了解你内心的挣扎呢？

没人。。。

Who walks on at the end of the day with u?

Only yourself.

Every.time.every.single.time.

Every time it reminds me that every thing I have faith in, or the littlest faith im left with ends up being nothing, ends up being a disappointment, ends up being untrue.

It's stabbing me every single time.

有些震撼，有些感动

this article touched my heart today,

http://theliliesofthefield.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/sumiko-tan-edna-lim-and-velda-tan/




credits to: writer of theliliesofthefield.wordpress

对你，

只有失望，失望，再失望。。。

the messages?

first it was this:

The Beatles - Let it Be
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....


then it was this:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference


is God trying to tell me something now?

I await for a new me to be reborn.

My life has become so quiet that all I hear are just my own thoughts, running and running like a treadmill.

---

At the end of the day, you are still all alone facing it urself. No one understands it better than yourself. Sometimes it's better to just keep quiet and go.

Avril Lavigne I Love You

You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

[this is a beautiful song that represents all i wanted to say; just for u]

Ppl usually think u are being silly or ridiculous when u say u wanna end ur life because of a failed rship or a heartbreak or some hardships u have met in ur life. Ppl think u are just venting ur frustrations or simply joking or seeking attention. But the day they find out that u are actually not kidding at all, is the moment when u have left this world.

If everyone was kidding, then there wouldn't be so many suicidal cases that have taken place.
If everything could be settled logically, those ppl would not have died.

U really wanna know how bad it is!!!!????!!

Let me tell u now.

Every bloody night, each bloody hour I check your whatsapp login status.
And everytime, whether u are online or offline, I wonder what u are busy with. And it is worse when I keep seeing that ur "last seen was at bla bla am/pm". My thoughts go wild! I wonder where u have disappeared to. And u must be outside and busy that's why u didn't even login to whatsapp. And for u, such a phone addict to not touch ur phone means u must be really occupied with something right?! And I ask myself what could make u SO occupied, and I continue wondering again. Most of the times I just kept thinking is it u are with the girls? The girls? Some girl? And I tell U, this is DRIVING ME INSANE.

I know it not ur fault or non of ur biz. But U CAN'T BLAME ME RIGHT?!! U drove me this stage of insanity. I am really going mad if this continues on and I KNOW IT WILL. I seriously seriously wish I could sleep and not wake up anymore because I really can't take any more of this insanity. I am losing my mind and pls let me die or release me before I loose my mind.

PLEASE.

Why do u keep saying sorry to me?
Is it because u are guilty of something ?

a thousand SORRYs doesnt cure

its funny you could keep saying you know how i feel, u have been thru the same, and u understand the pain etc. but how are u so sure that the proximity of pain me and u felt was the same? yes, u may have gone thru a similar situation. well, all breakups are quite the same, and even more so similar if you are once the one being abandoned from the rship. but the proximity of pain for each and every differs isnt it? so stop telling me u know how exactly i feel, how exactly my pain is, because i can tell u its definitely different and even more so bcuz i am a girl. known to be much more emotional, and irrational than you.

and i think u too belittled your importance in my life, u didnt think you or our rship mattered that much to me. that u didnt expect me to be so upset breaking up with you. just bcuz i dont happen to show, or my face doesnt spell it doesnt mean u arent impt to me, doesnt mean i dont want u or doesnt mean it didnt mattered even if i loose u.
fact is, it mattered god damn fucking much.

i know u are happy with your life now, but nevertheless its still hurts like a freaking damn bitch when u said it to me urself. but what to do? its a fact and a fact that u happily slashed at me. what can i do abt it right?

it doesnt matter to u anymore, my life and well-being isnt on ur list of concerns now. u have created a new list for urself and ME is out of it.

u really want to say u know how this feels? u really shld think twice.

and my heart keeps bleeding......

今天晚上特别多感触

and before i forget all these precious feelings, i better blog them down.

i am an emotional person, but most of the times i find myself not able to put the exact of my feelings into words. i have a difficulty somehow. im bad at face to face communication and am better at writing things down, because writing allows u to think of what words to use and most probably also cause writing doesnt decreases my pride like how it will if i would to face someone as i say all these.

maybe me and B had the same problem with talking thats why our rship ended up with a lack of communication problem at the end.

anyways, today i went out. it was Saturday yet again and i had to dig programmes for myself, so i went, and i met new people. and after meeting new people, passing through the day. i just realised some things;

meeting a good guy isnt impossible, but meeting a good guy with the same habits/liking/class/fit as you is rather hard. even harder to meet a good guy with the above same qualities plus being able to be your 知己. there u go, this might be one of the most impossible task/wish you could ever wish for.

perhaps im being difficult here. i bet many others beg to differ that class/habits doesnt matter, but to me, it does. maybe because im a person who finds it very hard to adapt to someone. im not receptive towards the idea and i take a long time to adapt to a new person (my friends call me a slow cooker), and most of the time if i find that the person doesnt fall under my "qualified category" i most likely will show no interest in the person at all, or worse still get quite disgusted (this happens most of the time).

bad stereotyping i know. but years after years, i find myself still being like this and actually i dont think i will quite change it.
many might not understand me being this way, but to me, i feel that "the feel" you get from a person u first meet plays an important part for me being receptive to "making this new friend". feel is impt. - i guess this is what they all meant by, first impression counts much!

so well, today i went out with a few of my friends and we went to JB. a familiar familiar place, entered by tuas and once i was in there, memories just flooded me. that so familiar plc that i used to patron with B. and so, B occupied my mind the whole night.

to start off on a worse note, my friends brought along this friend and he was driving this car which omg i couldnt stand at all. sorry for being rude and anal but i think i need to complain!
the hygiene of the car was in such a bad state; messy, smelly, dusty, GROSS! totally disgusting. turned off ttm. and i cant believe i had to sit in that car for so many hours. yucks its still giving me goosebumps as i recall now. it just says so much of a person!
turnoff factor number 1 for a guy: gross disgusting unhygienic car/self/dressing/personal hygiene

so carried on with the journey, and we were parking to eat at this roadside stall. this friend could actually pack the car on a patch of wet grass! and the grass are those tall kinds which will definitely wet not only our shoes but even up till our legs! and despite me making abit of noise hoping that he can let us down before parking, this friend could actually still go ahead and park and expect us ladies to get down on that patch of wet grass!!! GRR huff and pufff!!!
turnoff factor number 2 for a guy: ungentlemanly act and never consider the convenience of ladies

then i found out that he actually asked my friend if i had a bf!!??!! why is this person checking a girl out that he randomly met on an outing?! this is so.... low class. like so despo or what? meet new girls only must check if they are available and potential anot. low class!
turnoff factor number 3 for a guy: checking a girl's status out on an outing where u randomly met

this pretty much churned my intestines upside down. and this guy totally failed on my list of first impressions of a gentleman in general.

so for the rest of the night, there wasnt really anything else worth mentioning cuz i totally switched off to this new person and felt nothing but just quite an amt of disgust.

and so main point, i went ktv and ktv u know have nothing but sad emo heartbroken chinese songs which are damn good are pricking your already injured bleeding heart. so i sang, and sang and as i sang the words just slashed me like a blade. but it also made me think of B.
that is when i started comparing and derived of the above list.

and u know it if you find that u keep comparing new people with ur ex. and after comparing, u still find ur ex is better and i guess that tells u some things. not sure abt u guys but it did for me.

i really liked it that B is actually as anal as me on tidiness and cleanliness! sometimes i even think he is more anal than me. which is good! cuz i dont have to worry abt sitting and being in a dirty environment bcuz he will make sure its cleaned. - worry-free! being clean makes me happy.

and i am very sure B will not park his car on a patch of wet grass for me to get down!!! and if i were to voice out, i am 100% sure he will never make me get down on THAT grass! - anal as i am, at least when i voice my point i know my man takes it.

so, i went on thinking abt other things like chemistry, connection and the unspoken compatibility (triple Cs if u realized) which is a kind of science u cant ask for or make happen, it is there only if its there.

then, lost in my thoughts i just stared quietly at the dark familiar highway oblivious to my surroundings and kept thinking and missing B.

and with these, i end my Saturday on a sad note once again.

My arms are aching
My legs are aching
My body is aching
But my heart aches the worse...

the last goodbyes

Dear God,

2011 has really been a very bad year for me. i cant think of anything that is good enough to put on my list. day by day, months by months, its just bad things after bad things, upset and more upset, jadded and more jadded.

i really do not have strength to face another tomorrow, i do not want to wake up to another day filled with bad things and misery. sometimes i think its so much easier to jump of a building and not face all these. thou it IS a cowardy action. but i kinda can understand why ppl chose to end their lives, cause its simply too painful for them to carry on each day.
u wake up each morning without optimism, without anything to look forward to, all that's greeting u is the misery from yesterday, and each day the misery increases.
u get so tired and so weak u just dont wish to carry on anymore. thou everyone promises a better future if u walk out of this phrase, but seriously, how long do u need to take to walk out of this? will u walk out at all? who is so sure to tell, when they arent even god themselves.

God, seriously whats the matter with you?
what are u trying to put me thru? if some things are not meant to be, then why not u let me move on easily? why not u give me an easier route so that i could walk out of it faster and easier? if its not meant to be then why force me to go thru this long and torturous process of pain? why put me thru these shit day and day again? if its not meant for me, then let me let go lo. what do u want from driving me up the wall each and every day? are u having fun looking at me like this? what is it that you want from me really?

people say, ask and god will give.
i asked so many times, i am sure you know what i want deep in my heart, but u didn't give me. no u didn't. i don't know what is it you want me to learn before you really give me the happiness i deserve. i only know im losing the strength to reach that day.

i just don't wanna wake up anymore.

Why don't you reply me?
Do u know that it's tearing me apart?

fireworks

i went USS last night.

i've always wanted to go with you to this place, i always wanted to save my first time there for you. even yesterday i was there, i wished i was there with you.

you could make the fireworks look much more beautiful, just like katy perry's kinda fireworks...

What's a beautiful scenery without that person by your side?
It was beautiful, because you were there.

I guess that's what made the seas at Phuket extra beautiful too.

Today I'm taking a bus ride to work, on the similar express bus 552 which I always took when I was working at Press Start Media...
With Taylor swift plugged in my ears and looking at that familiar expressway, I rmb like many many months ago, I was always happy taking this bus becuz I had u in my life.

Days at PSM were hard, tough. But u always made it better by waiting for me at the front car porch at 6.01pm... I'll never forget how u frequently did it. Perhaps I never told u or maybe I shld tell u again, I was always so happy to see u at 6.01 when I'm released from a long day of torture from the "witch" hands.

Those very precious days.

i saw this....




















and i remembered our penguin walk. i rmb how you used to walk me ard your room with my feet on yours, just like this.

every night till a certain time u are not online anymore...
and i just cant stop wandering, where have u gone to, with are u with and what are u doing...

is it better that u are online or not online? :(

i guess i'll not have a very nice dream tonight....
judging from whats going thru my mind now. sigh.

(partly quoted from mindy's blog together with my own rendition of feelings)

Love is...
holding her hand when you cross the road... (i thought i felt you do this)
making sure she don't get lost in the crowd... (i thought someone spot you doing this)
letting her feel that she is not alone when in a room full of people... (you always made me feel this)
remembering what she said... (i feel you do remember)
getting rid of her insecurity... (you always make me feel safe, nothing to worry about)
putting a smile on her face... (you always do, just by being there)
forgiving and forgetting... (not very sure if you could do this)
loving her as who she is and accepting her flaws... (will you do this, for me?)

if it is 6 out of 8 points that you have fulfilled, then could it have been a love that we both over-looked?

Dear B,

i really did hurt you alot didnt i?

so much but u didnt want to admit to it at all, so much that u didnt want to admit to how much it hurted u.
and to make urself forget all the pain that it brought, and all the pain that was reminded from your past, u changed...
u changed ur perspective, u changed ur attitude to tell urself it could no longer hurt you, u changed the way you do things. u build walls among urself so as not to be hurt by something so similar again.
this is what it is isnt it?

why. why didnt u just say honestly how much it hurts u? why didnt u just own up? its ok my dear, its ok to say it hurts, it ok to admit. it doesnt make u less a man.
pls, could you let me know ur feelings if theres ever another chance? pls just tell me, honestly.
dont hide, u really dont have to hide.

Dear B,

had wanted to return you donald as well today. i reckon since daisy and donald arent together anymore, then donald shouldnt be left at my house with daisy. since they are literally apart now, so the soft toys should follow their owners too.

u got daisy for me so i'll be keeping her. and since i bought donald for u, so i tot u ought to keep him. however way u want to. chuck it in a corner or give him a space in wardrobe.
but..... i still didnt bring him down when i met you.
and now whenever i still see him at my bed, i just feel so heartbroken...

Dear B,

I really dunno what to feel after talking to u. I dunno what am I supposed to be feeling. I'm very sure it isn't positive. But yet I can't make out the exact feeling I'm having.

I felt so stupid many times while talking to u jus now. I guess I'm always bad at speech face to face. And you're right, perhaps I shld have jus talk over the phone or I shld jus have dropped you msgs. Perhaps u always make me forget what I'm supposed to say or perhaps I just felt so stupid in the middle of the conversation i felt like there was no point carrying on the truck load of things that ive alrd prepared to say.

you were so logical. u are always so logical that i always find myself hard to argue with u, truth is, there is no grounds for me to argue. i could say you are selfish and that i blame you for all my pain and sufferings now, but at the end of it, i will still be feeling the same pain and sufferings and u are still you. no change. and nothing will change.

i guess that is when it dawn really hard and painfully on me that nothings gonna change. and the more i carry on, the more i just feel how different u have change to be. and it strips my heart apart, piece by piece.

at the end of the talk, all i wanted to say is "can u pls dont go, can u just stay with me and tell me things will be ok" but no, i have no choice, i could only swallow down these words which nv made it our of my throat and watch you drive away, reminding me once again, how u are out of my life.

and here i am, another night after many other similar nights, typing profusely and hurting as i type on each word. and then, the next day comes and this cycle carries on again...

i was trying very hard to type a post earlier on, but i just find it so hard to find the words to say, i stared at the computer screen for many moments, and i realised that it was so hard cuz it didnt reflect the true honest picture that is in my heart right now.

It's gonna be an emo Friday for me.
At the end, I dunno if I'll even survive the massive heartbreak I'm gonna receive. It's gonna be worse than now.
It's gonna be worse.

Dear jas, have u found the words to say? Have u prepared urself for a no-change inducing talk tml?
Things will nv be the same again. Just never.

Love and Lies, both a 4 letter word starting with a L.
but its means heaven and earth difference.

it usually starts with love and eventually ends up with lies.
it always is.

I never thought one day i would become such a pest to u that u wish to get rid off so badly.
I never thought one day our rship doesn't matter to u anymore.
I never knew I could become a pest in ur life.
I never knew u could want me out so badly so that you can move on and seek ur own happiness.
I never knew one day I could mean nothing at all to u.
I didn't know u wanted me out so badly u could bullshit to me. To make me believe u wouldn't be in any rship any time soon, just to make me let u go easier, just to escape and leave our rship easier.
U made me believe all that which are all lies.
LIES.

my tears just keep streaming down....
i thought donald and daisy are supposed to be together forever? just like mickey and minnie. why it isnt so....

515am

Laying in bed........ But not asleep. ;(

You and I know what it's like to be kicked down
Forced to fight
But tonight we’re alright
So hold up your light
Let it shine

Cuz this one's for you and me
Living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide
I open my eyes
And now all I wannna see
Is a sky full of lightets, a sky full of lighters

`just like the nights in phuket... just like the skies in kamala, like the night by the poolside...

Where are you... Where are you..?
Can someone just tell me? I know no one will :(

Blogging from mobile testing

“ Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. Leo Buscaglia

i am sure i missed the chance of doing all these for someone. i overlooked it at that point of time. and now the time have passed. and it is my punishment for not appreciating things at that moment.

EVERYDAY

is the same shit feeling day in and day out.
same shit feeling greeting you first thing in the morning, and same shit feeling reminding you last thing in the night.

it just the same shit and just different day.
and it just makes me miss my holidays over and over again...

nelly-me

i was thinkin abt him, thinkin abt me, thinkin abt us, what we gonna be,
open my eyes, its only just a dream

travel back, down that road, wish he come back, no one knows,
only realised, its only just a dream

in a big big world

there are so much more to see in this big world... so much more to learn, so much more to embrace. so much more.
i wanna open my eyes to them. i wanna grasp them all. i wanna grow up by seeing it all.

life lessons

一个靠得住的人始终还是能给你靠得住的感觉。
但，一个给不了你靠得住的感觉的人，永远都不会靠得住。

这几个月让我看清了很多事情。

the light?

spend time feeling upset for the right person and not waste time feeling happy with the wrong person.

this morning as i walked on, i felt the light shone on me a little... perhaps the zee moment is approaching.
it might be tough, it will be tough but i'll press on, i'll fight on, and make myself a better-tougher person. tough!

On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes
but you'll always be my hero
even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that's all right because I like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices
glass is shattered from the fight
in this tug of war, you'll always win
even when I'm right
'cause you feed me fables from your hand
with violent words and empty threats
and it's sick that all these battles
are what keeps me satisfied

So maybe I'm a masochist

i am looking at jetstar's 1-for-1 tickets now but i dont even know where to go.

should i just click buy to somewhere, anywhere?
just let me leave on a jet plane.
just let me start afresh.
just wash my sins and let me go brand new.

the old & now

thanks to scurriying around in the morning (welll TGIF and no mood to really work!), i read thru entries of my old blog and hey its actually quite good to keep a blog because it helps to track how much u have grown/changed and also to find out that somethings doesnt really change..

so, from reading my old blog, i actually realised that i have slowly already gotten used to working and the working world. i found how much i complained abt having to be fake, having lesser leisure time, wanting to play and go out when i just started working. but now, i seldom complain abt such already... i do still complain abt having not enough sleep, but somehow towards the other things i am immuned/used to it?
good thing thou, cuz i have grown in this aspect.

some things never changed, because i still love my gfs as much! just that it took some time to find the real gfs but some i had, i still have, and always want to have them! LOVE U GFS!

i still shopped madly like in the past.
i still ponder abt the same things but perhaps in a different complexity and understanding.

all in all, i am still very much me, but just on a more grown level.
25years and counting.
more changes and counting.

i hate this.

how do you get pass this patch of ugly tough detrimental part of life that u really hate.

when people that u want to care for u simply doesnt.
when everything just seems impossible.
when you can do nothing but sit and drag thru it.
when u wanna disappear but u still have 255256132 commitments like, ur job, money, cc bills (fuck), hp bills, allowances, bla bla.
when everything just simply and totally sucks.
when even u are young beautiful and smart doesnt help.
when u just wanna disappear for good (eg. die or leave the country)

when everything u wanna do, u just cant do.
im so tired of everything.

at this point of time

i think my life really sucks.
my work sucks (thats 1/2 of my life daily)
my rship sucks
my finances sucks
my health kinda sucks (assume im falling sick pretty soon)

i think all that is kinda sucking me up. how great.
so i am sucked to feel suck. how confusing just the way it is.
just what did i do wrong to screw it all up?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

answers

answers answers answers.......
can someone tell me where are they? or can someone tell me what they are?

i desperately feel that i need a retreat. to somewhere like maldives, where there's only the sea sky and pool. and there's myself to face myself, my own reflection. there will be only me, ugly me inside-out.

disappear and be on my own.

i should come back with a clearer mind, starting afresh.
let me breathe the fresh air and cleanse my soul.

perhaps i should apologise for saying all that hurtful things in that other space. those confused thoughts which has got the better of me but am glad that i have now learnt what/who is right for me.

but i guess theres a price to pay for all the play that you have done, and i guess i must be paying mine now. i can blame no one but myself as i kinda brought this along.

hate it. hate it. as much as you regret as wish to turn back time, i know its impossible. right now the question is, how do we take it on from here?

is there still a chance?
(i'll probably have a hard time convincing B, and maybe in the end, he might not even be convinced at all) i guess i should take some time alone to think abt these.

it will be a good time to blog.
or rather, a good time to keep intouch with blogging. maybe i could be more frequent here now.

10.17am, its raining now and i got super no mood to work.
its a long day and long battle with the zzz monsters. come 6.01pm pls come to me soon.

feel so empty, every night i come home to a house with an empty heart. with nothing to look fwd to, without a balance of happiness. ive lost my balance, i dunno where it went.

every week, days goes on, it goes on but carries nothing, i just dont feel happy and at ease. things are just different.
where is that balance?
what have i done wrong?

the story behind the scenes

behind every successful men, lies a self sacrificial woman. im beginning to understand that...

WOMEN...

allow themselves to believe, half the time only to find that they were cheated.

some, times...

sometimes some things couldnt stay true... perhaps it wasnt even meant to be true in the first place.
some things are better left unsaid. the unnecessary expectations, the unnecessary emotions, the unnecessary sadness.

可见，有此美梦应不能成真儿美。

但，人都太贪心了。

this job...

i never knew how stressful it is to me till, today my colleague discovered many white hairs growing in the pile of my black hair. i haven had so much white hair before, i was taken aback and worried.

have been really tired with work, have seen the ugliest sight of how your work peers can become. perhaps this is just to remind that there is no true "friendship" in the working world. every one is a hypocrite. no one should be soft-hearted and u should be selfish for yourself.

it dawned hard on me, its time to move on from this place. its time.

pisses even the hairs in my ass

this place is SO fucking shitty.

every morning you are welcomed by nothing but crap talks.
F.U.C.K PLACE

01.01.2011

the love of friendship, dont ever belittle them.















loving them, my superstar girlfriends :)