Friday, 30 May 2014
if only...
when will the wheel of fortune start turning around and be pleasant for me? much as i appreciate everything i have now, i really hope my 3 wishes will come true. looking for job is a test of patience, and i got to declare that my patience is running low. after sending much applications out, none replied. either i'm asking too high a price (which many tells me i didn't and should have ask higher.) or the job market now is really that bad until too much graduates, not much demand for them. haix. i can only hope for the better. wish my positive mind can be kept up longer. guess i told everyone to stay positive after hearing all their problems, i can't help but feeling the effects of their negatively poured into me. if only i was back to how i used to share my feelings out, if only my heart allows another person in, maybe it might be different. but i know i can't, because that person took it and left. if only.........
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
lost in everything.
Wanted to blog for a very long time, but the feel is just not there. So i shall backdate this entry.
So 3 friday ago was the deadline for my dissertation, and that would mean that i have unofficially grad from uni. the road thru uni, i suppose i can't say it's very tough but neither is it easy. But I really learnt a lot about human relation during this period of time. I guess the exposure brings a lot of good it does to me. Guess I did learnt about human behaviors n all that.
But despite learning, I always get stuck as the middle man n that is one position I never like to be in. I never like to be a fan sitter, yes there are times I can't make up my mind, or I would rather just go with the flow, But I nv like to be pulled between both parties. It's either I am right, or I am wrong. I rather not get involved as compared to be in the fan sitter. Not my matter, then I dun want to know, no matter how curious I am.
Still, one of my biggest worry till date is my results for dissertation. I know I didn't write it out well. It's not my standard. I didn't even put in chi square n Cramer v that I am suppose to! But I don't even remember how to do it in spss format since my mind was just not in the right place to do the work. I really literally left it to the very last minute. The last 3 days before submission, every single day, slept at 6am, woke up at 8am to do. I rushed like I never rush a single project before. it's like i was rushing against time like some james bond movie. I really don't hope for a lot, just let me get my 2nd lower class honour will do. But with whatever I said or think of it, the opposite always happened, I really wonder if I will pass my dissertation at all.
But despite learning, I always get stuck as the middle man n that is one position I never like to be in. I never like to be a fan sitter, yes there are times I can't make up my mind, or I would rather just go with the flow, But I nv like to be pulled between both parties. It's either I am right, or I am wrong. I rather not get involved as compared to be in the fan sitter. Not my matter, then I dun want to know, no matter how curious I am.
Still, one of my biggest worry till date is my results for dissertation. I know I didn't write it out well. It's not my standard. I didn't even put in chi square n Cramer v that I am suppose to! But I don't even remember how to do it in spss format since my mind was just not in the right place to do the work. I really literally left it to the very last minute. The last 3 days before submission, every single day, slept at 6am, woke up at 8am to do. I rushed like I never rush a single project before. it's like i was rushing against time like some james bond movie. I really don't hope for a lot, just let me get my 2nd lower class honour will do. But with whatever I said or think of it, the opposite always happened, I really wonder if I will pass my dissertation at all.
Yes. My confidence level is badly beaten. My pride is badly hurt. My faith and belief is lost. No matter how much I wish miracles to happen, I know it will not. Let's just face the facts - I am just badly down on my luck. Nothing is going the right way in my life now, so how do I expect to keep everything in the high spirit? I still smile, I still laugh, But behind every single laughter, my worries, sorrows and sadness can't be hidden.
so many worries, none will be solved soon. especially with the market now so soft, how to expect to find a job when every single job asking for people with experience when i have none. it's not that i don't have experience, but not in the job scope that i applied. i wonder how many more must i apply to get it. I can only hope it will be soon.
just these 2 problems, it's a big worry and taking up too much space on my mind already. much less dealing with the matter to the heart. maybe bro said it right. maybe i ain't ready for a new romance despite being very lonely. maybe because i still ... i don't know. or maybe cause i know they are not the one for me. every time joking with bro that i don't have people want, because i'm just not the kind of girl any guy would want, but he will always sarcastically said back me that it's not i have nobody that wants me, but the guys that i rejected are not the type i was looking for. esp Vincent. no matter how many times i told him, he just doesn't back down. no matter how many times and how long i ignored him, he just doesn't get it. it gone to the point of him misunderstanding the whole situation. i can't be bother to explain to him. but i can't help feeling sorry for him that he just couldn't get my heart. i can't help feeling sorry that he always gets himself drunk just to drown the pain of forgetting me. i can only help him in the only way i can, avoiding him. his drunken messages always sent at the very right moment before i switch off my data and head for bed. i can only say i'm sorry. the only good thing is that he doesn't have any social media, so he can't find me on any social media. U can just continue to stalk my WA status, but that's about it. i can only hope that u will give up this hope after holding it on for more than a year plus, and that u will stop drinking and thinking about me. to the other 2 guys, i'm sorry too. there's nothing i can say to help ease the pain, but sorry.
sometimes i wonder myself why i can't accept them since i'm lonely. but i know even if i do, it's just to replace him. i don't want a replacement, it's just too unfair for them. i guess i have grown in my own way. i know i will still love him despite time trying to heal my wounds. from the way i look at it, i don't think i will ever be in another relationship this lifetime. i'm in too much of a mess to accept anyone. i'm much too tied up in the last one that i can't and don't want to untie myself. i'm just too tired from trying to escape. i'm just going to let the rope break apart by itself, either that or i'll just died from the ropes tying me up. just letting nature take its own course. despite what the fortune prediction for this year, i guess i'll be one of the few goats that won't have a romance. i deserve my happiness, but i can't seems to get it without u being part of it. but what's the point of saying all these when u are supposedly with ur own happiness while i just suffered in silence, in my own sorrow. maybe i might be one of those career ladies that i used to dream about afterall. a person who only focus on work and nothing else. because afterall, i already lost my chance of obtaining it, so why bother to fight any battle in romance. i'll just wait, and let it find me instead of going out and search for it.
mainly all because i lost hope, faith, trust, belief in everything. trying to stay positive with every inch of it i can find within myself, but it's using up fast. i can only hope it will last till i find everything back where it belongs again.
so many worries, none will be solved soon. especially with the market now so soft, how to expect to find a job when every single job asking for people with experience when i have none. it's not that i don't have experience, but not in the job scope that i applied. i wonder how many more must i apply to get it. I can only hope it will be soon.
just these 2 problems, it's a big worry and taking up too much space on my mind already. much less dealing with the matter to the heart. maybe bro said it right. maybe i ain't ready for a new romance despite being very lonely. maybe because i still ... i don't know. or maybe cause i know they are not the one for me. every time joking with bro that i don't have people want, because i'm just not the kind of girl any guy would want, but he will always sarcastically said back me that it's not i have nobody that wants me, but the guys that i rejected are not the type i was looking for. esp Vincent. no matter how many times i told him, he just doesn't back down. no matter how many times and how long i ignored him, he just doesn't get it. it gone to the point of him misunderstanding the whole situation. i can't be bother to explain to him. but i can't help feeling sorry for him that he just couldn't get my heart. i can't help feeling sorry that he always gets himself drunk just to drown the pain of forgetting me. i can only help him in the only way i can, avoiding him. his drunken messages always sent at the very right moment before i switch off my data and head for bed. i can only say i'm sorry. the only good thing is that he doesn't have any social media, so he can't find me on any social media. U can just continue to stalk my WA status, but that's about it. i can only hope that u will give up this hope after holding it on for more than a year plus, and that u will stop drinking and thinking about me. to the other 2 guys, i'm sorry too. there's nothing i can say to help ease the pain, but sorry.
sometimes i wonder myself why i can't accept them since i'm lonely. but i know even if i do, it's just to replace him. i don't want a replacement, it's just too unfair for them. i guess i have grown in my own way. i know i will still love him despite time trying to heal my wounds. from the way i look at it, i don't think i will ever be in another relationship this lifetime. i'm in too much of a mess to accept anyone. i'm much too tied up in the last one that i can't and don't want to untie myself. i'm just too tired from trying to escape. i'm just going to let the rope break apart by itself, either that or i'll just died from the ropes tying me up. just letting nature take its own course. despite what the fortune prediction for this year, i guess i'll be one of the few goats that won't have a romance. i deserve my happiness, but i can't seems to get it without u being part of it. but what's the point of saying all these when u are supposedly with ur own happiness while i just suffered in silence, in my own sorrow. maybe i might be one of those career ladies that i used to dream about afterall. a person who only focus on work and nothing else. because afterall, i already lost my chance of obtaining it, so why bother to fight any battle in romance. i'll just wait, and let it find me instead of going out and search for it.
mainly all because i lost hope, faith, trust, belief in everything. trying to stay positive with every inch of it i can find within myself, but it's using up fast. i can only hope it will last till i find everything back where it belongs again.
Subscribe to:
Comments
(
Atom
)