the truth and the deception

I know what I want, I go all out for it. Nothing will stop me to get to my final goals in life. I know how I act, and I chose to act it that way because that's who I am. I know why I said certain stuffs, act a certain way, because I stay true to myself. I let my heart takes me where it wants to take me, I let my brain decides which path I should go, because I know I'm happier that way. I fight for my own future, because I never give up. Whether it is right or wrong, I know I will learn my lesson one way or another. If it's wrong, I just simply stand up, think and consider for a while, and I head the way my heart and brains tells me in that moment. I chose to live my life this way, because life is too short to keep worrying. And because I know I will always be happy deep down inside if I listen to myself. I will make mistakes, I will learn from it, I will create moments, and I will celebrate in that glory. Because truth being said, I know I am never going to deceive myself from every moment on, to live my life as I want it to be, to create the future that I wish it to be. Because it's important to never give up on my dreams. It may take a short while, it may take ages, but the dream will be kept alive because I want it to happen.

My heart tells me to stay, my brain told me to let go in the day, by nightfall, it told me to stay. My heart tells me my happiness lies within you despite all you have put me thru, my brain scolded me for being a fool, yet by nightfall, it's you that my brains always dream about. I wish for the time to see another invisible man beside me like how I saw an invisible you before we met. I told you before that you were faceless in my dreams by my side during the night ride, during the accident that we saw. I wish then, I wish time will tell me now that another invisible man was waiting for me. I wish i knew the truth for how everything started it out, but I know myself that I might not want to hear the truth. everything you said after that day, i never felt anymore sincerity or your real feelings. your sorry don't sound sincere, you don't sound like you are at all. your "happy" felt more like not the real happiness you once felt. I know what I want, and I said it often, I know I want you, much as how often I said it, I have too much guts and balls. I don't fault you for finding it a pest, I don't even fault you for having an affair behind my back, it happens because I gave that chance to you. Do I fault myself then? Somewhat. For giving the opportunity but never to find out the true meaning of happiness if I never learnt this lesson a hard way. Never to find out the true meaning to myself which is what is most important. I can go crazy, but I know that that's the future I want.

It's weird that I never did dreamt bout E before after we broke up, yet this was different. I hope it's just my heart telling and convincing my mind, but I also hope and wish that it will come true. Because there's nothing happier in life as compared to when you found love.

I love you still, always have, always will. Maybe with time, it will fade~ Maybe with time, fate will reveal the truth to me~

I love you still and I'm sure of it because of that thumping of heartbeat that I felt when I saw you again. and that heartbeating wasn't because of other reasons.  ♥

When we met

a simple trip to town, a place u don't like to go, i knew i won't be able to see you. Yet I did. I saw ur t-shirt first, and i recognise u immediately. her continuously stares at me, just dulls against you. wanting to be as friendly as I could, I wanted to lightly tap u on your arms. Didn't meant to hit it hard, but I just had to act it cool. Didn't want to make the situation awkward for you. You were just busy chatting with your friend and just holding her hand and she just follows u along. Doesn't it sound familiar once? I saw more than what she wanted me to see in her eyes. I saw her controlness for u. She trying to figure me out, while you don't give a damn. How ironic the situation had became. They said an outsider sees more than the party involved sees. I knew what they meant then. I didn't see happiness in you, I didn't sense it from you either. Maybe you might think that you are talking to your friend, that's why you don't show either. This kind of thing, it doesn't always show in one way only, it shows in more than one ways.
I wanted to do so much more. the urges, the control I have to fight to prevent me from doing something stupid. I did what I could do, to pretend to walk past u cooly while you guys turn back and stare at who was the one that "slap" you. I know myself if I were to look back, I would have done many things. Many stupid, fun, beautiful, ugly things. To blow u a kiss, to give her the middle finger for being a 3rd party, to run back and hug u and many other things. surprisingly, none of it was to scold u for cheating on me behind my back, making me wear a "green hat".
Just walking towards you, to tapping you, to walking passed you, my heart have never beats so fast before this year other than that day when I saw u again when I landed. I knew then I was still in love with you. Sometimes I doubt myself whether was I still in love with you, or was it because of the loneliness I'm feeling that's why I wanted you back. Just that few seconds felt like minutes, I felt happy deep down inside me. Something that couldn't have been reached for a very long time (okay, maybe it's not that long. it's just 8 months.) I guess it starts to sound a bit like from some romance storybook, but for that instant, those feelings were exactly like what is written in a romance novel.
I believe in fate. When we were together, we never did bump into your ex. But yet when you are together with her, you bumped into me. I used to never believe in it, until I went overseas. The experience really changed me into who I really was. How ironic that we could have bump into each other when Singapore although not really big, ain't very small either. You could have been in one of the malls walking around, while I was in another, and we could never have bumped into one another even thou we are at the same place the whole time around. But yet we are fated to cross each other path once more. Like I always say, I would rather let nature's take its course. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe I am not.
While crossing to the place we met briefly, pharrell william's happy was playing, with the exact same line of "clap along if you know what happiness is to you." Of so many songs, why that song? and just a minute or two before I bump into you? Maybe you didn't realised, maybe you didn't hear it because u were busy talking to your friend instead.
I found myself surprised that I don't feel hurt even thou I saw with my own eyes that you guys are holding hands. I couldn't find the same anger that cheryl had when she blogged about us. Maybe cause i'm deceiving myself, maybe i'm not. I felt something more. I felt the willpower to stay and continue waiting. call me a fool, laugh at me for being one, i don't care. Because I know what my heart tells me, and I am willing to fight for my heart. You can say you don't have anymore feelings for me, like how you tried to lie badly to my face, like how intuition has been telling me that you were cheating on me when I was overseas. You can continue to lie to yourself like how you always think i'm lying to myself. Maybe the one all these while that has been lying to themselves was you. You didn't wanted me when I came back because you got too bored while waiting for me, and you found yourself a replacement while I was away. You wanted to try something new because you got bored of being in our relationship for too long. But one thing is that guilt for making me a fool will always be in you, for deceiving yourself out of true love. (or maybe it's just my thinking from what I know of you. That you have been manipulated  by yourself, by others, by what you see, by what  you want, by what you know, but not by what you feel.)

People said love is blind and love makes you a fool. I can tell you, it's facts. I have never felt much more like a blinded fool than right now than I have ever in my life - by waiting for you till the end of time.
I'll wait for you and we will start afresh by creating the happiness, sorrows, pains and every other emotions of a true love does. <3 p="">

The last lap of uni

Ever since I've been back, the clock for my last lap in UOS has already started. But ever since I've been back, nothing went smoothly. Not the right kind of way that the fortune said it would for the year of sheep this year.

So clever me decided on the topic for my dissertation to be about wet market. Because I wanted to help you save the trouble of doing research, and writing up the proposal for which you can just use and sent in to spring singapore when you wanted to start up your own business. I know how much you dislike to do such things, and i was happy to do it for you.

Things changed, I lost my purpose for doing this dissertation. All I have been trying to do is fixed up my broken self. Hanging out late, with anyone and everyone I can find, until to the point I felt so bad to keep disturbing my friends because of my own selfishness. End up having to do my own me time instead. But the worst thing about me time is that because u are free to do whatever you want, you think a lot. Walking down and back memory lanes, trying to make new memories with other people over the same places we've been, seems to be doing a way much harder job, because it's just too hard to overwrite. seems easy, but in reality, it's not. the thoughts will always linger at the back.

totally lost the whole timeline for my dissertation. my gantt chart done up, none was followed. and now? with just 12 days left, am i really able to complete my dissertation? I wish I know. because until now, despite the panic mode is in, i still can't seem to be able to do it up. 10,000 words is not easy to write, and i'm still at my lit review. seems like i'm going to fail my uni afterall. worst of all, i don't even know whether have i fixed myself up at all. this year ain't going well for me, and i really wish my life just stop here and be given to another person who is more in need of the life than me. Because I am content that I have live until this far, but to continue, I really don't know what else can i face.

the ironic of this whole dissertation is that despite doing it for you, you broke me into pieces which led to every other single shit problems I have to face myself. and yet, the acknowledgement page, your name appears despite not helping much like you first promised me because I didn't want to disturb your life anymore since you didn't want me in it.

and because i know i still love you deep down inside me despite every single hurt you keep inflicting on me unknowingly. Because only true love will be able to inflict hurt onto one another. and because i'm stupid enough to wait still.

on a side note, karma stop serving me already, i have already fulfilled been hurt by a 3rd party already. I never wanted to be a 3rd party in eugene's r/s anyway, but that's just cause i'm playful to cause pain on myself. I learnt my lesson, could you just move on and serve your justice to other people.

Try - P!nk

Currently sitting by the Riverside at Clarke quay, enjoying the river breeze. Recalling the other 2 times sitting here with my 2 diff grp of girl pals - the bayne street girls and chor chor + fee. Chatting all about our future, about our future jobs, about how to make money in today's economic. It was Then I wanted to open my own stall n cook for a living. But still, it's easier said than done.

Looking at people taking that swing, don't think I will ever find the courage to take that. Call me chicken, I don't care.

Enjoying the breeze, people watching, listening to the awesome playlist that my favourite ice cream store at Clarke quay (Nope, not the Japanese one, But the one at the end of central this building.) The funny thing is I never had their ice cream before, just had tea everytime I'm here, But I would recommend it to all my friends Cause of the nice ice cream n good service the waiters provides.

I'm Really the outdoor fellow who likes to absorb the energy that the public gives. Penning down my feelings after every outdoor trip, helps to clear my thots.

I wonder are u happy with ur life now? I wonder have u found out the meaning of happiness? And I wonder where is my happiness Then. It's not that I'm not happy with my life now, But it's not the super happy like when I was with u.

" Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple o'times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try"

AOA - Confused

Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do.

A heart that hurts is a heart in love.

i guess then i have to try harder no matter how much hurt i will continue to inflict on myself.

We belong together

(Ooh, ooh, sweet love, yeah)

I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you so
I should've held on tight, I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself

I could not fathom I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I'd be sitting here beside myself
'Cause I didn't know you, 'cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I've never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips 'cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together

I can't sleep at night when you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio singing to me:
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute this is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station so I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break and then I hear Babyface:
"I only think of you", and it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together but I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out where I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life, baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together baby! (We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
(Oooooooh yeah)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please (Oooooooh yeah)
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me till the sun comes up (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together!

Ooooooh yeah
Ooooooh yeah
Ooooooh yeah
We belong together

Happy choosing it, including choosing you.

growing up, you learn when you can't be soft anymore, and you got to let go when you are not happy. you can't always take into consideration people's feelings and because of trying to protect their feelings, you end up hurting yourself and not feeling the emotional of happiness with yourself. Because the most important thing about life is be happy with yourself first, if not you can't spread happiness. If you are happy with your decision, then go all out for it, but if you are doubting yourself whether is this the right one, you know deep down within yourself this is not the right one. If you have doubt(s), it's usually not the right one. If you can't fill the basic contentment of spreading happiness and absorbing happiness from others, you know you are not happy with your life.
Dr. Jack taught me that regardless whatever life throws at you, you can face it with 2 choices -
1) take it as it is because internally you are happy with regardless of the decision that you make at the end, no difficult cannot be solved if you are happy and content with your own life.
2) analysis the whole situation thru and thru, looking into every single possibility that if either of the decision you made have to be the right one for your own future. Reason you do this because you are not happy with your own life, and you wish that since life throw you this problem, you need to make the best decision so that you can be happy with it in the future.
But the sad truth about making decision in your life will always be this: 你所做的选着在那时候是你觉得最好的，但不代表是你生命中所做的最真诚，最真对的选着，因为人重是要最好的。但是你所做的选着在那时后你所决的是最好的，不代表你这辈子会是快了的。因为你只要最好，也觉得在那时候做的选着会对你是最快了的，而不是你本身已经最快了了。(okay, typing chinese is still a bloody chore to me. because Dr. Jack said every single thing in taiwanese chinese. -.-)
But then if you think about it, isn't the best decision you made at that time, the one that will make you the happiest? apparently, that's why life always throw you challenges at period timing to let you test whether is that your best decision because if it is, it should make you happy at the end of all the challenges you faced.

One thing I know for sure after listening and looking back at my own life, there sure to be things that I regretted because I wasn't happy and I made the decision to choose that path to make me happy. But one thing for sure until today, I am happy with most of my decisions that I made since my poly days until now. Because I was happy choosing it, and not because I think I will be happy if I chose it. and that includes you. I am happy with my own choice of taking up the courage to say those words to you then and still will do the same even if time will to rewind. Because I would not learn about all these if life didn't go this way for me. It takes a real person to admit their own mistakes in life, for the person want to grow into a better person. I found my happiness in myself and in you then not by chance, but by choice and by fate that we had crossed paths. Because I know I have to fight for my own happiness, and I will fight for my own happiness again, even with you.