fuck life, fuck deceiving, fuck illusions.

So apparently whenever everyone asked me how is my life so far, I will sigh and ask myself so how is my life so far before I will reply. Because I really don't know how is my life so far. I mean there's so many jobs out there, which should I take, which direction I want to take? Having so many advices to listen to, which path to take? My dream job for now to work and learn from Victoria Secret, people tell me not to go cause of me not being experienced enough to work under such company. I know they care for me, so I'm taking up their advice and not heading there yet. Then where should I go next? I really don't know. Maybe I'll know when I send in resumes and see which company wants to accept me. but with the bad luck steaks going around for me, I wonder will I even have any company accepting me.

I know it's april tomorrow, and that means i'm left with 25 more days to do my report and hand in. but whenever I see it, I don't wish to do. Why should I bother to learn and do it for you when you don't give a bloody damn? Why should I let your ideal dream company be successful when you will be with another girl? and when I asked myself that, because I still bloody care. I wish I can be just as cold blooded as you are to me, to not care and not feel anything at all. Maybe it's my weakness to be so caring towards you. But i need to finish this report if not I can't graduate. Every time forcing myself to look at another point of view, because I need to grad, so I need to do it. But how come the motivation died everytime this happens but motivation never dies for any other things? one word - fuck.

Love life. well, it's going even shittier for me. I know I shouldn't revealed it here, since all my girl pals will murdered me for not updating my "progress". So after the break up, advancements came. But I can't accept them because there's no feelings for them. and feelings for girls are super important, at least for me. SO where is my Mr. right feelings guy?!
 Like I said, Vincent said he will wait for me, but I kept rejecting him until I give up rejecting him and just ignored him because I don't want to have karma effect of me for rejecting people.
Samuel tried to be the sweet-talker that I used to fall for. He was really gentlemanly, brought jacket because he doesn't want me to catch a cold in the cinema, but I was a step ahead of him. Walked me to the train station even thou he takes bus, and all the other minor stuffs. All the gentleman gestures but yet it didn't hit me as hard as how your actions did for me. Another thing is even 4 years plus later, much awkwardness still remains, we have no common topics, and we just can't chat much.
Both of them keeps complimenting about how I look now, but I still don't feel that I look my best.
And so bro and god-mum tried to arrange me to a blind date with R. but yet there was no feelings. Bro told me not to factor in age, because age doesn't matter, but does it? Somehow I still feel that I'm bother by dating a guy 9 years older than me. and there just ain't any sparks that fly.
So bys girls are arranging to go to the beach, so I can find guys.
Went clubbing quite a few times, yet I rejected because never find love in a club. (got nagged many times because my parents was saying why am I destroying my own life because of a guy when the actual intentions were just to drink, have fun, dance around, and enjoy my own life.)
If the ocean is so wide like everyone said, tell me why can't i find one that i can have feelings for? How much deeper must I dive to look for? Or just give me a stronger fishing rod, I'm super I will be able to fish for him. But I already give up looking. Because I'm sure the time will come when nature wants it to come to me. (Plus not forgetting i'm having freaking run of bad luck)
Bro asked me to ask myself this question - 爱一个人和喜欢一个人不一样, is it? Hearing what he said from his experiences, and agreeing to my opinion of that question, yes, it's really different. Just how far are you willing to go and change yourself just because the person asked you not to do it or to do certain things? How far this line is drawn between being yourself and changing yourself for that person? How are you able to balance this line and yet feels so comfortable as the skin on your body?

Why I said fuck deceiving and illusions because whenever I think and recalled the past, nothing of the past will accidentally or concidentally pop out of nowhere and surprised me. But when I do not want to think of the past, or just simply enjoying my day out with whichever friend(s) i'm with, the past always hits me in the face and is fucking bulls-eyes. and that is not so easy to obtain if you know what I mean. Take for example no. 1: how often is it always bulls-eyes when u happened to go out, and something related to fishing comes out and appear out of no where or u see people carrying fishing rods or happened to see a fishing equipments shop? none at all for me, and me being pretty observant, I sure would notice. But what happened after break up? *BAM* it appears out of nowhere. like seriously?!
Take for example no. 2: Just today I was taking train, and there's durian smell coming from another cabin. Sorry, I was laughing away when the couple opposite me was waving and pinching their nose and it reminded me of u. like seriously again?! But then I recalled how brave you were in bringing back the durian dessert for your mum when you can't stand the smell at all.
Take for example no. 3: Of all the times I went clubbing (which is pretty much for someone like me who doesn't like to squeeze in a crowd), the very first time I see a dance-off and on your b'day (technically your b'day since it crossed 12am.), and I remember about the guy u said who danced like kwangsoo and the dance-off that u saw in the club.
Take for example no. 4: Nowadays been listening to more club songs, but I don't really like clarity that song. so why is it on your b'day that I managed to hear to the same song 3 times despite never ever hearing the same song more than twice a day. And yet the same line always struck a cord in me - "If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?" and the next other line that struck with me is - "Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why."
So what am I going to say now? signs? I believe things happened for a reason and it maybe left unknown because God won't tell you the reason and you will never find out the true reason behind it. You may have guessed a few reasons yourself but you will never know the truth. Such as I see this as a sign of how you got together with her, and I more than friendly with Stephan. And the surprised thing? almost the same timing. Why didn't it become more was due to 3 reasons. because I have enough of long distance relationship, because and most importantly, I respected and stay faithful to my partner back home whom I loved and felt even more appreciated for after experiencing life apart and because I know that I like him a bit more than friend and that's all. because it's 喜欢 and not 爱. Because I know I won't move from SG to Cali just for him. Americans leh, your favourite type of people, you might say, but to be honest, are you sure? I can be single for the rest of my life, and just live in New York, my dream destination, and be happy there because I know I am happy with myself with every other thing in my life, but the important thing for me now is that I know I won't be happy if I never find my own happiness - my other half. After travelling the other half of the world, as fancy as many will say it is, but really it is afterall just a place/city/country to be in. Just like how Singapore is my place/city/country that I was fated to born here. Much as you can travel there, enjoy the place, but as a citizen there, you will also get bored of the place just like how singaporeans are bored of singapore.
I think I have asked myself enough time what is love already because love holds no boundary, and it can only be felt with the heart.

I know you have been trying to avoid me, just as I am making your life easier by avoiding you. Because I know your happiness matters to me.

confession: to be truthful to myself about love

At the rate that I keep reflecting on myself, I realised that I have not been very truthful with myself esp with my feelings. Starting from young, I have always been telling myself that I will never get marry because I don't want myself to get hurt. I didn't realised how much I have enclosed myself because I believe in being independent. Maybe the fact that I was a single child for quite some time makes me relied on myself for everything and not believing in anything easily until I tried it out myself and end up forming my own theory(s) about it and working my life with such theories. Maybe the fact that my family belongs to the strict type that I'm always rebellious against them, and stubborn against anything thrown in my face. From primary school been bullied, having my school bag and shoes thrown into rubbish bins, standing up against those so-called cleverer kids, resulting me to have a sharp tongue. Why make life so complicated when you can just say whatever you want, and the message is being brought across as compared to keeping it in, suffering for it, building up your tolerance level and end up exploding in whatever manners you could or even beating about the bushes to make sure your message got across by letting the other party figure it out themselves.

It have its disadvantages from having a sharp tongue, you tend to offend people without knowing. And I used to not care about people's feeling. maybe I still do a bit nowadays. Catching up with my girl pals recently, and I realised how much I have changed from the past. Having very bad memory failure because I couldn't remember all those things I did. Talking to them helps me to remember those bits and pieces. If loy did not remind me yesterday, I didn't even realised it. I didn't even realised that I told no one about me and eugene when we were together. Not any of the time we got together, not in secondary 1, not even after we graduated from sec sch. It was because of the rumors that spread, which is actually mentioned by him to his close friend that my batch knows about it. Everyone only knows after we broke up. What a surprise that was for me. Keeping it quiet because I know that the relationship will end up nowhere. And yet when I was still with him, I keep telling everyone that I won't get marry because there's no such thing as soulmates. Maybe there is, but I know it won't happened on me. I wasn't honest with myself because in my mindset, every relationship I entered, I have the mindset to have fun and until the time is up, it's time to go. Maybe cause I believed I am strong enough to let it go.

With the same mindset at hand, I entered my 2nd relationship. Acting upon the crush, with that mindset in mind, I thought I was strong enough if the relationship fell apart, I believed the hurt won't affect me that much. Girl pals nowadays telling me, in the first place, I said that I kinda of knew this relationship won't last. But like I said, I wasn't truthful with myself. I guessed I didn't expect myself to fall in love. I didn't expect myself to open myself up and fall in love with nicholas. Starting of the relationship it was just being getting over the first love, But gradually, with more memories created, with more time spent together, I didn't expect myself to open my heart. I didn't expect myself to find true love because it's not easy to find and it's rare. I didn't expect myself to be blinded, and continue to deceive myself everytime that it's just parts and parcels of a relationship. I just deceived myself time after time because I didn't know I have fallen.

The fact that I have fallen and fallen badly makes it So hard for me recover myself now. Everyone telling me I should let it go. I thought I did, But apparently I only semi did it. I let it go, But I wasn't able to accept anyone else in. I don't think I will ever let anyone in, Cause I just keep blaming myself for every faults and failures in this relationship. Maybe I'll never be ready to accept another person. And just maybe, I am destinated for singlehood for my this lifetime.

Bro told me something and it aches for me to know the truth: "as a guy myself, do you think he will come back for you even if he breaks up with this girl? He won't. Because he already hurt you and he doesn't want to hurt you again. He won't know how to face you after hurting you. He would rather face another girl and have a fresh start, no matter how strong ur love is." (But if he's man enough, he will admit his mistakes and face you again.)

Maybe it's true, maybe this is how Nicholas thinks too, But as a girl, I know I will always hold on to that hope no matter how small it is. Because
"能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少 然后得到多少并不计较"
Cause I know I found true love and I didn't treasure it while it's mine and let it go away from me. And the price that I pay with is this heartbreak and singlehood for my life.

death

saw a post recently about this girl who posted her final farewell via instagram, and while reading thru everything, I totally understand how she felt. Cause I went thru what she felt. It was really that bad that I wanted to die. Worst was that I had nightmare about my own death and that is like the 2nd time within 6 months, and in between I have a few times I had nightmares about being admitted into hospital cause of accidents. Because deja vu always happened on me, I am worried. Much less, this year horoscope states that our health will be affected, so it just increases the worry level. And knowing my own health now, with the vomiting, and now with the suddenness of lightheadedness, I got to take care of my own health. Playing safe is better now that I believe more in signs. But I believe that my time might be up soon if such signs are appearing. Or maybe this might be yet another challenge that I need to overcome on top of what I am going thru.

Sometimes you never know what you have until you lost it because you never appreciate it enough. 

signs?

Is this a test? A test that I have to go through to fight for what is left of my relationship? or a test for me to go thru to forget about him? I seriously don't know. And because nobody has ever experience this case scenario before, so who do I ask?

Cause if it's fate, just let him appear in front of me, won't that be a clearer sign than all these happening right now?

If anyone has ever been in such a situation before, just tell me what to do. When people break up of a bad r/s, good luck comes to them. but when people break up from a good relationship, bad luck happens. so how do you explain it? at the same time, despite packing away everything, things that I lost when we were together, how can it suddenly appeared despite packing my room so many times before and all these never appeared before. And things related to your interests or related to you suddenly appears all of a sudden - fishing, darting, prawning, tiong bahru, and many more.

And why until today you have to keep avoiding me if you are so confident that you are over me? What if the fact that you are actually bored in the relationship was because I wasn't around? What happened to the fighting spirit that we had together? What happened to your own theory of you won't be attracted to another girl when you are in a relationship? Maybe you didn't know your theory doesn't work at all. If you realised now, you should be having some rather bad stuffs happening around you, along with certain things that will remind you of me happening unknowingly around you. Because there's more than meets the eyes, and maybe it is signs that nature is giving to you despite you refusing to listen to it.

on a side note, feeling very down and not quite right today. Because of all these signs that I saw, and maybe cause I witnessed my own death in my dreams, headed out for a breather. But yet the place I went was the prawning area that we went to kill time. Emotions just came pouring out. feeling totally down and worst was the vomiting came back, worst than before. Looks like I need to head for another check up soon.

Because I know what fate has in store for me, that's why I'm willing to wait.

Appreciation

Shall delicate this post to all the people that I'm grateful for and my thoughts that went thru my mind during this period of time.

I'm very thankful for all my girl pals and bro who are always there for me until today, helping me to go thru this period of time, regardless how small or big a part you played, I'm grateful. 

Really thankful for my ladies, friends & bro: 

• Yina for her listening ear and being there for me.
• Alicia for her listening ear and last minute meet up at starbucks to hear me pour my feelings out
• Anica for "slapping" me awake with what I should be doing with my life
• Ying Duan for listening to me and trying to fix me into her busy schedule
• Pin Xuan for bringing me out to attend motivation talks and listening to me.
• Lee Gek for listening to me, pei me study and running.
• Yihui, Merilyn and Fiona for listening to me and giving me their advices.
• Gui Feng for attending class with me, listening to me.
• Yan Jun for listening, and giving me her own advices
• Michelle, Ming Xing and Rui Xian for listening, being there and wanting to help me spit at his face for doing it to me.
• Chee Lieng for being an older brother that I never have, for being a listening ear every single night to make sure I don't fall into depression like he did, letting me understand what guys are thinking and how similar Nicholas's thinking is to his. 
• Siti for listening to me and understanding me. 
• Samuel for always trying to be an idiot and cheering me up with those playful bluffs.
• Vincent for listening to me. (and for me to avoid for the rest of my life now.)
• Anita for her support and the clubbing session to help me forget the unhappiness.
• Jolyn for her listening ear and understanding. 
• Yenn Ting for her listening ear, and understanding how I felt. 
• Coreen and Ching Fang for asking me to stay strong and to move on. 
• Vivian mummy for trying to set me up in a blind date because she wants me to be happy
• all my fgm fairies who asked me to stay strong because they believe I can do it.
• and other random people and strangers who makes me smile with their simple compliments. 
• and a book - Why men love bitches. Because without it, I wouldn't have found back the "bitch" I was in the early part of my r/s with nic. And because I found it back, I'm happier with myself than I was in the later part of the r/s which I lost myself.

Really thankful for all these people for teaching/showing support in their own ways to make me grow up and understand how my own life should be about. 

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anyway, many things seems to be happening during this past month. lots of things related to you seems to keep appearing in my face. 

• looking for jobs - jobs found to be located at tiong bahru
• people asking me to go play darts or fishing. 
• just found a fishing shop in kovan just now.
• talking to bro and found out some stuffs that reminds me of you like keeping fishes.
• no idea why just suddenly felt like listening to S.H.E songs
• bro talking about his romance reminds me of those early days when we first started. going all out, planning surprises for me, spending as much time as we have together. 
• back to watching animes. 
• recalling back cycling trip with you to ecp and you keep complaining how lousy I am. haha. good old days of you complaining about me. 
• found out that your close friend has a bff that is my primary sch and secondary sch mate. (makes me wonder how small singapore really is.)
• while looking for other wet market people, how coincidental it is to find another person who also sells fishes at tiong bahru market. 
• deja vu(s) have been happening which reminds me of that time at changi area during our night cycling which I told you later on. 
• and many others that I can't recalled. (shall update it when I recall it.)

I don't know what fate is telling me despite me wanting to wait while moving on because I never know what kind of "fish" I might "catch", be it for better or for worst. But what I believe still remains deep inside me and I believe the time will come when nature decided our course to intertwine again or maybe not. For it's better not to have any expectation, because unexpected will happen only you least expect it to and when you stop searching for it. Our life(s) are already pre-planned and these are the lessons we must learn in order to grow.  

our past makes us who we are today.

no matter what kind of past we have, it helps us to shape into who we are today. different people been mold differently - some have to experience it, some just have to hear about it.
i'm really glad that i went overseas now. because it really open up my eyes. allowing me to be more open, more adaptable in any situations that calls for it. bring on the family gathering, the friends gathering, i'm no longer just sitting down there and listen to the jokes, but talking about a fair bit with everyone. after all, more friends are better than foes. and with what future career I hope to have, I'm really glad that I found all these in me. only thing I still find very very uncomfortable is looking and purchasing luxury brands. why that happens, I really don't know. Maybe I'm really not a girl.
New friends? no prob. keeping up with old friendships and polishing back to how it was once? checked. Because in me, I was more independent before I changed. I still blame myself for not noticing how much I have changed to become so relying on you when I am never the sticky type as I once said. Can't accept how the world from revolving around me, to become revolving around you instead. Can't change the fact that I didn't realized it sooner than later, maybe then I could have save myself from falling so badly like how I did when it happened close to 2 months back, which I think I still can't believe 2 months have passed. How easy it was for you to find another girl while I still have to look.
Despite learning more about the truth as time goes by, i still can't find it in me to hate you. because there ain't any point in hating you. Friends being friends, saying many bad stuffs about "how can you forgive him since he treated you this way?", yet I can still defend for you and tell them back not to say such stuffs about you. Ironic, isn't it? you can avoid me all you want, cause if you did nothing wrong, why bother to hide? why bother to lie to my face, why bother to keep everything a secret when to you, our r/s already ended way back then? maybe it's time you face the truth and not avoid it anymore, unless there's more than meets the eyes, more than what you are willing to accept. I can only think that you are avoiding me because you still think i'm emotionally unstable and will disturb u, but all i see you now is just as a friend or even a stranger whom I know your character and personality well enough. They say clever people ignore, but the actual fact is clever people just remember it and use it against you when time is right.
Despite learning more and more, it just gives me more and more lessons that I learnt in life. Lessons about love, fate, will power, preservance, determination, mind control, trust, guys, and even about life. I learnt how to make myself more difficult to read, no more the easy to read book, no more predictable moves.
People said I've grown up, but have I really? Or am I still making my strong front a little thicker to protect the shattered me now. I think I did. Because of all these happenings, it makes me realized how such things are lined up when we are born, to make us grow up, be a little bit wiser, be a little bit more mature, to make us who we are today. Because I believe that the end of the day, god (regardless of whatever religion you are), have already decided your fate for you. You can still change it, because there's gaps and spaces for you to make your changes, and that is when you have the will, you have the way to fight for it.

Because the world need more love, and spreading forgiveness will make the world a slightly better place to live in.

To Nicholas: I guess I never did tell you why I returned you the necklace. It's because I believe the two necklaces deserves to be together despite us not being together anymore, along with the memories that we once had. and that is, if I can still trust your words that you kept them away into our memory box. But should you one day ever decided that our memories should be reality again, wear the necklaces and find me, for I will always be there for you when you need me. Because I forgive you for your mistake even if you think it's not a mistake, but it already eaten into your guilt.