Growing up.

I feel that I have mature a lot not only because of this relationship, but also from what I learnt when I was there. I think I have set my mindset and my priorities straight up to thinking about my own future. Although I'm still 23 (or going to 23), I didn't realized how much I treasure to have a partner with me to walk thru life with me. 23 may still be young to many, but to be honest, is it really young anymore? I love to have someone to be with me, to encourage me while i encourage him also, to be supportive to each other, to shower care and concern for each other, and to love each other. Because even at this age, if i date another person for a few years, it's about time for marriage also. Or maybe cause I'm starting to get worry that when I was overseas, and now that I'm back, almost all my friends are in a relationship?! sucks to be single in a year when it's suppose to be your year of romance and yet I get broken up with.

Oh well, call me mean or a bitch if you want, but at least it doesn't sucks for me to have your new girl that you are dating with when I was not around, when you guys get together even before I am back, and even before we broke up, makes me wonder why you said you have no feelings for me when your new girl so similar to me in so many senses - feel, appearance, personality and many more I don't wish to name if not you will know how much I actually know about you two without the help of your friends who you think I got my information from. Because pal, you always seems to forget about one thing I always tell you - when girls dig for information, they really dig all the way even to the age of the girl and where she stays. 

Anyway, back to me. Now that I have set my life goals straight, I know what I want in my life, I know what are the steps that I should take to achieve them. My own fault for spending too much time in the past to help you think about what you want in life that I neglected my own. Started playing with shares because I need to start saving money for my old age and those medical fees that I will most likely incurred with the raising costs. Started to work out more often because if we don't care about our body from now, you never know when the stress will hit you so hard that you end up breaking down. Started laughing more, because happiness comes in all forms. Started to decide which career path I should take - to work my way up the ladder of the retail world or to be my own boss and open a zi char stall like concept and cook to sell. Yes it maybe long hours with no social life, but I will be able to save the money for my retirement. Yes, I'm thinking until retirement already. I don't want to live the barely enough life because money may make the world go round, but it doesn't buy happiness which is eventually what every human wants. 

Cause the purest form of happiness comes from within ourselves and is link to our most basic essential needs in life - Shelter, Food, Water, Air, Good Health and Love. 

finding back the old me - reconnections

so it seems i shouldn't just keep blogging about a person who can cheat behind my back despite the trust given to him or so i assumed due to the other party not wanting to tell me his side of the story other than him telling me that he want to try something new. cause love isn't a game for you to play.
anyway, for every bad stuffs, there's good things that came out of it. my weight went down drastically which shocks a lot of people because it's unhealthy way by only eating 1 meal a day every single day.
another good thing - i reconnected back with all my friends. and they helped me to get thru this period. even friends i thought i lost, i managed to get them back because friendships meant more to me than what i once took for granted. because it shouldn't have lost myself when i was in the r/s and end up having to make him more important than anything else. and because of that, the price i paid when this all came crashing down, it's too dear to me. because i lost the balance that i was suppose to have. but i am glad that i found it all back. and that i'm happier with myself than i was before and also that i appreciate every single thing in my life for nothing comes easy and without a price to pay.
Love all my girls who are always there for me despite me not making the effort to communicate with them much when i lost myself. I don't think I will be able to make it thru so peacefully without them. Because me being me, i get fire up easily, but i have learnt to wait to play the game. whatever for trying to reveal my cards all at once, because forgiving requires a bigger heart than to avoid u like what he's doing because only cowards run away from their past. but a real person stands up for their mistakes and their past that they have.
but the sad thing is that i end up keep wanting to vomit for no reason. every morning, every night and occasionally during the day. the morning sickness is getting worst. Cause the more i learnt about you two, the more hurt i felt from you. even if I have the child, I would rather the child not have a father like you with you cheating behind my back and not realizing your mistake.

enlightened.

i'll be waiting. forever will, forever am.

the truth is out. (updated)

so the truth is out now. and the truth is that you have another girl while i was away. the truth is that you indirectly cheated on me because you didn't want to tell me that you found another girl and not that you preferred your freedom, and not that you were stressed. those were just bullshits excuses. just so you know pal, you actually added her when i was over there. i noticed it, but i didn't say anything because it's your freedom to be friends with anybody. and when i found out, i guessed i wouldn't be surprised that you actually went out with her a few times when i was over there because i still remember about you and your "friends" going to amk and ice cream session. i don't know whether that's considered a good thing that you "cheated" behind my back, or that it's my assumption that you "cheated" behind my back because I know you did since I only have 2 friends in common, and one of them is you. just so you think there's no old me that you didn't see, pal, look at how i message you. you had the freedom to party away, i didn't question, i didn't ask because you have the right to, just like how i gave you the right to initially because all i cared for was your safety.

truth be told, i'm pissed off and a bit hurt. because firstly, you guys are going thru the exact same route when we first started. yes ahjuushi, you may think i am being deceived by my own illusion, but i have evidences that you said the same things to me. I don't know if that's what you always do to every girl, but i know in you that marriage is always your end goal. same like you once said to me. you may said different now to me, but like you said, those are the past. you said you have plans to settle down with her, exact same thing you said to me when we started. but ahjuushi, that's the first year chemistry in case you forgotten. secondly, the first time i met your friends also via a picnic, different location - barrage, same timing - night time. so what's the diff between her n me? i can't say a thing because i don't know her, and i don't judge her based on what i don't know. but you should that you love to repeat history on yourself. someone cheated on you, now you cheated on me. you told me you aren't a jerk, but hey, guess what, you are doing that right now. or maybe cause your definition of jerk means diff thing to you. thirdly, you guys are going the underground love route just like how we started. and i wonder what other similar routes you are going to use on her that you did with me.

maybe to you, the only thing in your mind is that we agreed to break up then. but if we agreed then, why did you bother to try again? because you haven't give up. yes, you have given up now because you found another girl, but what makes you so sure karma won't get back at you for doing this to me?

and pal oh pal, just so you know, researchers said that if you haven't forgotten about your old love, your new love will look/feel pretty similar to old love. so ahjuushi, looks like you need to think about it thru yourself. maybe you like her because she doesn't have much rules in the family like mine, maybe cause you two have more freedom together, but at the end of the day, you can only deceived yourself this much with what is in front of you, and who you actually love is not only about feel, but about how supportive that person will be for you, just like all the things i have done for you that i did not take credit for, because sometimes if you know the truth, you will know what is love.

I'm pretty sure this is how you talk to every girl. when talking about marriage.

opposite attracts, similarities became a starting point as common bases.

similarities:

• similar way of protecting ourselves from being hurt
• distance ourselves when we are not feeling right
• lots of reflection on self
• similar mindset on not having kids
• always crazy/joker when with friends
• used to people hating us
• blame on self when there's fault
• loves fishes
• used to be sporty
• hates clubbing
• easy-going
• very simple life
• possessive
• don't bother attitude
• rebel
• agree that singapore is boring to do anything interesting as a couple
• somewhat similar music preference. 

differences:

Him	Me
Neat & tidy	Untidy
Gets influenced easily without him knowing. (even thou he claims he knows)	Think a lot
Uncomfortable with her spending money on him	Loves to purchase things for him
Neutral replies	Leads to thinking a lot
Family fellow	Loner
Private fellow	Social media announcer
Indecisive (keeps changing plans for his own future)	Planner (Maybe a bit too much after crossing over the 2nd year.)
A step at a time	Lots of theories to follow after
-	Worrier (because of thinking too much)
Saver (but spends on his favourite stuffs)	Spender (regardless for self or for others)
Keep cool	Panicky

Leaning towards Chinese culture

Leaning towards English culture

I can't list all the differences because some are private. but to me, because of the differences, it is what makes a r/s workable. We can't have identical personality, if not opposites don't attract.  

I'm not looking for trouble because that trouble came to find me and invite me to play with it. so be prepared, cause the one that is going to hurt won't be me alone. 

still waiting for you & wishing that you think of me every time. 

living life as it is - having fun, being childish, being young, living a day at a time to the fullest.

life has to go on. so i decided that since i am waiting, i might as well be happy.

comfort zone.

it just always makes me wonder why you can be comfortable with "boredom" when I was around while when I decided to go oversea, you decided that in order to go thru that 4 months, happy also 4 months, not happy also 4 months. so when you decided to go thru that 4 months by being happy, you became uncomfortable with comfort zone once i'm back. maybe i should have asked you to go thru that 4 months being unhappy every single day, but that's not me.

well, i just hoped that somehow, somewhere, we'll bumped into each other and you realized that you ain't really happy unlike when we were together those happy times. because hiding in the shell of yours, just so you won't affect others' mood, you are indirectly affecting their mood. because you forgot that we are similar in many basic senses. just like how we are used to people hating us and we don't give a damn about it. because we are two lost souls who found each other and know each other.

because in every r/s, questioning and having uncertainty is normal. this should not have being the deal breaker in our r/s. because love is not always a certainty. it's about how much willingness you are willing to face the uncertainty and how much you think those answers matter to you. just like how you were willing to face with me of having to create more memories and sparks so that i could completely forget about eugene. and the fact that you did that, but not willing now to continue? it's just not you.

maybe memories don't mean such a thing to you then. or maybe you just ain't ready for a r/s yet.

Coincidence?

so apparently your favourite rod has officially spoilt. pretty much same timing as my slippers. hmmm.

sometimes I still think you are trying too hard to free yourself.

maybe it's me thinking too much, but applying your theory of why the rod broke, you keep trying to free yourself from me too much, no matter how many push or pull you will give to it, you will be the one that's unhappy because you are already semi-broken and not realizing it. just like how i asked you before if we were to end, would the room affect you, you said no, but yet you changed most of your room. ironic? think about it ahjuushi.

missing and loving you despite everything that happens.