To the fourth that never came

So Yup, as the title suggest, today would have been a different kind of day.
To be honest, I don't know how I'm feeling too. I know I can ignore all the 22nd of every month, But somehow just this mth, I Can't. Maybe because it was meant to be special. Maybe because it Can't be special anymore. Tummy filled with butterflies, neck filled with chokes of tears, eyelids blinking back those waves. All beside me now is just Eeyore with the dream catcher hanging above me. And the locket by my keys with our photos in my card pouch. I never meant to reveal such stuffs, But I promise to myself that I will be honest about everything.
Has a day gone by without Me thinking about u? Yes. But this month? No. Or rather since September. Or basically never a full month Where I never think about it. The endless dreams of u two together happily rubbing salt into a by right healed wound, call me creepy, But I don't control what my mind think of. N I don't wish to control. Let the mind be free, That's when creativity comes in.
People says you will always miss your first love. I don't know how True is that, because it's not the case for me.
My colleagues don't believe I'm single. Whenever they asked what happened, I don't know Why But I just started to cry. The always ever so bubbly girl just breaks down. Everyone gets stunted. Every single time I shared my side of the story, told them to give the benefit of a doubt, because I don't know the full story at least not from his side, I just started to tear. It seems to get worst especially recently when I told Fiona (my colleague) about it. Imagine two 23 years old on a late shift, standing outside bottega and Mont blanc and all of a sudden while I was talking about it, I broke down. I literally started to cry. Fiona didn't know what to do, just started hugging me and told me I will find a better one.
What if there is no better one? What if that last relationship was the last one I will ever date in my entire life? What if I just pass away in my sleep all of a sudden? What if because of the last relationship, the wounds never heal, n I'll never date again? What if I am meant to be single for the rest of my life? What if I am never meant to find my other half? What if I am just unable to commit because of this past relationship? I know I have trusting issues already, because I'm never able to trust anyone fully anymore. Not the sweet talkers, not Even the Serious ones.I don't know what to do actually. I have been in this loss maze for 10 whole months already.
Everyone told me not to blame myself But him for letting me down. I told all of them the same response: " I don't blame him nor her for breaking us apart. I don't know why he did this, nor will he ever explain to me. I don't blame her because she's just freaking young But Maybe she's more mature in other ways. I blame myself. Life is just this way. U never know when it's hitting you. I blame myself because I am never going to be good enough for anybody. I blame myself for having such fate. I blame myself for my poor growth as a human. I blame myself because nobody is at fault other than one self." They said I'm too kind, too naive, That's Why I got bullied. Told them they should have been able to see it now at work because I'm always helping others to hit their sales. They should know who I am by now because I'm a Fucking open book and bloody hell easy to read. Nothing interesting about me. I have more to learn, more to grow as a human.
But despite all the growth I can have, I still worry deep down about relationship. Will I be able to forget him? Will I be able to find my own happiness? Or is this my fate?
Every single time u log on to fb / instagram or just hang out with your friends, you hear/see another pal of yours getting marry, having a kid, it makes u wonder how old you are. I admit, it makes u even more worry will you ever have such a happy ending, will it even happen. You just to keep telling yourself to push it aside and just let it be. Being single has nothing wrong. U hang about, you flirt around, you have flings, you have your own control of everything and don't need to spare a thought about your other half. But Why is it everywhere I see couples, n it makes you long for it. I mean I'm only human.
I ask myself this question: do you still love him? And why do you still love him despite all that is done/over ? Not because you are lonely, not because you wish for a company. I second doubt myself every single time, just to double confirm. I know I do. Because love is hard to explain. N to me, everytime I see him, I just smile unknowingly. Maybe not always  on my face, But in my heart. You know the fluttering of heart when you see your love regardless of whatever happened? That feeling. When someone mention something, the linkage back to the memories or his personality, it just always hits me first. Even before my friends. The acceptances of all flaws of his, the annoying facts, all of which just makes me assured that I know I haven't forgotten about him. Yes, I may try to bury it deep, I may do stuffs to forget about it, But at the roots, it's still there. Hack it off at the roots la, you may say, But it ain't as easily said than done. I know I want him to be happy, so freeing him seems the choice But you will always ask yourself Why Can't u make him happy or don't you wish you would be happier together. Now it seems to be one side of happiness and other side of negativity and sadness. 
I guess I am just a naive, idiotic,blind  girl who should know better to do this. But to the last ounces of courage that I have,
I love you, Nicholas. Still. Always have, always will.

(Maybe I might just have the same fate as professor snape, single for rest of life because he always love lily.)

Cause i'm only human~

Much changes happened in my life, be it at work, or on me personally, I embraced it. Maybe, just Maybe the tarot cards predictions wasn't that far off wrong after all.
But I guess I'm still waiting for that one (or Maybe two) changes. N that is getting a job that I'm interested in. Or Maybe I should just be a salesgirl for the rest of my career. High pay, shitty hours, n lots n lots of human interactions that makes me loss faith in male species as a whole. Just a generalization thou I know there's a few special cases But I'm done searching. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will be. That's the funny thing about fate, n I suppose love. I don't deny I feel lonely at times because everywhere u turn, u see couples. Esp at airport. But what can I do? Just suck it up lor. I mean I'm human afterall. Yes, I still shitty miss him despite all That's done and over, But I'm just like any other Stupid girl. every human being needs love,because we are human. That's how we are created.
Work wise, mont blanc now is in a mess. I miss Andena (store internal joke), I miss Alex, I miss Glenna, I miss pork knuckles. Mont blanc really not the same anymore. I hope Andean will win his case,  I wish they didn't have to shuffle Kenneth to gm. I kinda of miss the time Where it's just the 3 of us suffering together. I don't mind the new team, I mean Roger is my ex colleague turn into now my sup, jeslyn always very blur n we have so much laughter together, firdaus is just been a bro as he always was by treating me like a guy and telling me which girl chio or which body part not right. -.- Joshua makes me afraid to interact with him lest he decided to punch me in the face and I'll be gone just like that. Makes me keep rushing myself to get out of here, not Cause of Joshua But Cause of the shitty mgmt.
I'm not going to clean up this Shit of a mess because Why should I? One thing to learn about this reality - always put ur own interest first. N Yes, That's y I sucks at work. Why? Because I'm always helping people instead of taking care of my own interest. My own personal target haven't hit, yet I just pass the sales on to my colleagues. Bravo Eh? All Cause they all have a responsibility - be it for family, be it for credit debts, be it for weddings, be it for housing and so on. Me? Only thing I'm taking care of is myself. Yes, I get the highest commission, But Where does it go to? Treating family for meals, buying them gifts, treating friends meals. That's how it goes. Any responsibility? Any burden? Nope.
I don't deny that I spent a lot. But it never seems to be on myself. So Why am I so foolish? Idk.
Haix. Sometimes I wonder Why I change so much. But I guess the most important thing is that I'm happy, comfortable with who I am. I am just glad people think of me as my age and who I once was, and will always be - the bubbly, crazy woman who always have fun and don't give a Fuck damn on how people think of me, guai lan piece of shitty human girl. 💁👏
Till next time for more update~ 😘
Xoxo,
J❤

yet another milestone closure.

didn't realised i didn't blog for the mth of aug, so here it is, a summary. not going to talk about work because that will be a post by itself.
finally graduated recently (or rather not so recently since now then i blog about it. -.- blame it on my laziness) since i'm backdating this entry after that recent one.
anyway, 15 aug was a busy day. woke up at my usual time (aka late mornings) prepared with make-ups and whatsoever nonsenses. headed to sch slightly later then the arranged time. :x but still within the time frame. hey, it's been ages since i traveled to sch and i somewhat forgot the traveling time. hehehe. blah blah blah. don't have to write up the details of every steps. but boy was i hungry. and best thing? i can't wear the robe and run to canteen to buy food, so bought from buzz, which had nth! 1 packet of soya bean milk was all i had for lunch. (like everyday) so i was one of the 2 that brought selfie stick along, and the cameraman very clever, everytime we take with selfie stick, he stand one corner and take us using it. -.-||| every single time even when we having our meal time, i took out selfie stick, he took a photo of us. -.-||| take already nvm, take one the photos came out not nice! still ask us to buy. -.-|||| u think i so rich ar! (okay la, i earned quite a bit of commission la. but also not to spend on such things ma. need to save for rainy days. since i used up mine. :( )
anyway, after a very small ceremony at a lecture theatre, food time! and photo taking of course.
next stop, hilton hotel!!! ya, just grad in the day time, at night at alumni event already. so we met the ceo of courts asia (since he also from UOS one.) food was so so much better. well since i didn't eat until then. hehehe. champagnes! cheers mateys for graduating! collected lots of contacts, but never send any. hehehe. why? cause it's not the one i'm looking for or rather it's not really in the retail sector.
anyway, enough of blahhness, headed to chill at starbucks nearby before heading to one altitude with the bayne street girls and rx's friends. didn't party late since next day i got to work. and also because we went there just to see the night view of sg from above for free. yes, call us cheapos, i don't care. bleh.
okay, end of boring post. till next time.(fyi, i'm posting from store lappy. hehe.)

Do i know myself actually?

Okay, am suppose to post my aug post, But guess I didn't afterall. Shall post it in the next post.
For this post, I guess I just wanna say I really don't know what am I really feeling. I think I know, But I don't want to admit it. And because I always been deceiving myself that I'm over it if I can start having feelings for other guys. But I guess I really don't know myself that Well after all. I mean who am I to you now But just a past. Just another person who you wouldn't care anyway. Just another stranger. 
I guess all I wanted to say is I know I still miss you despite not talking about you, thinking about you, and whatever works related to you. I know I stop myself from linking anything to you despite seeing it, But I guess I just gonna try harder.

I miss you still, Mr N.

之一

为何爱情会是人生中的快乐之一，痛苦之一，悲哀之一，烦恼之一？
就顺起自然吧，有发展就是好事，让我再次快乐幸福，没有的话，就跟平常一样，快快乐乐地过每一天吧，朋友也很好啊。
因为在也不想有期望。有了期望，并有失望。期望越高失望越大，没有期望就没有失望。
因为这就是人生的挑战之一。

One of my favourite phrase nowadays. Because it's all in the mind. Your mind does wonders. If you are positive, positive stuffs will happen. So just expect the unexpected. Cause you are always in for a surprise in life. that's just life.

(Sidenote: I have no idea when I started sounding so deep. -.- good or bad? idk. i'm growing old too fast already. hahaha!)

another tough path ahead.

so after sitting ard and shaking my legs for 2mths, finally back to work. decided to do part time, so back to the shop floor i go while searching for full time job. ironic of taking a degree but going back to shop floor. back end of retails seems not to be hiring fresh grads, and much less a private uni fresh grad want to fight with local uni grad? not possible. private uni grads, pls take ur q no. behind those local uni grads. exactly what i'm doing now. one mistake i failed to do when I had the chance was do internship. i learnt my lesson the hard way. so for those who are in uni now, u got to do internship. dun mind the shitty pay, but the thing is employers are looking for ppl with exp, even the shittiest intern, it's also considered an exp. well, too bad, it's over for me to go thru internship, so i gotta do is hope and wish and pray that i get a job where they don't mind training me.
realising this part time job, i kinda of grew attachment to it and it's only my 1st day. so much ironic in the job scope thou. 1) i hate to do sales and approach ppl. because i know when i shop, i don't like people to come approach me. let me do it my own pace. yet i'm doing all these and more. 2) i always feel a fear when entering luxury stores because of the "grand" feel that makes me feel like i'm out of place, yet now i'm working in it. 3) u know how u always see those staffs clean those glass? yup, i'm doing those. yet i don't even do it at home. -.-||| 4) never into male fashion, yet i seems to get it instead of letting me go bottega, or jestina or blvgari. only side benefit i see from it? at least my immediate boss is a male and not a female. (male bosses tend to be better to handle than female bosses, if u know what i mean.)
I actually learn so much about display, diff types of pens and watches that guys prefered. (hehe, good learning ground for me to buy present for whoever is my next lucky one. :x) anyway, to think i thought tagheuer is expensive, boy was i wrong. this brand apparently is even more ex according to my boss (whose name by the way is like a first time i see in this world - andean.) guess the brand yet? i never did know that these brands in SG is under one of the top korea company that everyone has heard off. lotte. yeah, i'm working under lotte with a korean HR and director, who double check whether am i korean mixed. ^^V (YAY!) hahaha! so the brand i'm under is mont blanc which to me, i only know it sells pens and not anything else. (apparently SG nv bring in their facial wash. like a seriously, buy mont blanc facial wash?! *faints* rich people jiu shi bu yi yang.) and after so called half an hr product training, they just left me to look after the shop myself. well done. U GUYS THINK TOO HIGHLY OF ME LA! which resulted in me running to all the other shops for SOS. hahahaha! i like to stay at lotte duty free shop, because they play korean songs all day~ and on top of that, miranda kerr and SNSD keep "staring" back at me. awwww~ hahaha!!!! (but the ppl they put in that store arrrr....... *speechless*) so apparently they are so under-staffed that 1 person run the whole store and clever me has been assigned to closing shift aka late flights. meaning i end work everyday at 12 midnight. not that i mind. (since i'm a night animal. and i like to stay out late at night. this gives me a perfect reason to. kekeke. and basically because i can schedules all my other interviews in the morning where i look like a zombie and let me screw up even more interviews.) so between andean, kenneth and me, 3 of us in that store. apparently they lack a female in that store, so i got assigned to it. and also because "mummy" keep saying i can service a few ppl at the same time, hence stressing me up now that i'm at the store. i mean, i'm just a SA what, why stress? no lor, they give me target to hit also. *faints* give me comission la! -.-||| (aka to their discussion, it's something i can pick from mont blanc. (thanks, i know i guy, but also not that guyish yet pls!))
anway, enough of my part time job, was super stress the previous week cause i got called up for interview at RSH for merchandising job. pretty much i screwed it up. well done. because when i agree to do this part time job, RSH called me for 2nd interview. stress that i can't give up RSH and at the same time, i can't give up lotte because i will affect "mummy" reputation. so honesty is the best policy. told them i can only work after 3 weeks, which wasn't that bad since i screwed up at one of the question when u as an interviewee suppose to bootlick the company. [out of these 3 brands - H&M, Mango and Zara, which do you prefer to shop at?] so clever me done research on the company beforehand, did not bootlick the company due to brain malfunction. yes, i chose H&M out of 3, which the other 2 is their company brand! just shoot me in the head. and my response? "I used to shop at Mango, but their styles after a while didn't suit my taste and the price range was a bit high. So i swop to H&M because their items are more affordable for a student like me." HELLO! i shopped at ZARA too!!! why didn't I say?! u cannot imagine how many times i knock my own head against the wall when i came out. yes, i meant literally. at the bus stop, i also go knocked somemore. haix. so say bye bye to RSH that job. haix. well done for screwing it up. u have only urself to blame. (well, 3/4 of the blame.) remaining 1/4? why did they have to DECORATE THE ROOM SO NICELY IN A BASKETBALL THEME! TA MA DE! (well, i don't have to explain that part anymore.) need to control my brain thinking.
well, at least it ain't so bad now. WRONG! now everyday i see the word - Nicolas. WHY IN THE WORLD DO U HAVE A COLLECTION OF WATCHES NAMED IN THIS COLLECTION NAME! BLOODY HELL! haix. whatever. welcome to screw my life upside down whenever u feel like it. not like it's making any difference anyway. okay, enough of lengthy post, i need sleep. 2hrs the night before ain't good, and i'm working mid shift today because i need to learn about watches and their working functions. so for now, bye~~~ the mystery remains whether will i be employed by the end of the year.....

Because I love you so.

我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道　你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我　也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪　我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過

你已經遠遠離開　我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份　安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你　是因為我太愛你

This is the song of my love life. Maybe it's time I keep things to myself and suffer alone (which i have been doing very quite some time now). maybe it's time to go thru everything myself so I can grow even more. I'm enjoying independent life like how I used to but that doesn't mean I don't think about those times. maybe i never will stop thinking about those times. Guess I found another reason to dislike Jay Chou afterall. The tears that flow whenever I hear this song.... till today...

anyway, found a part time job. decided to try it. guess i still like to work at places where people can't find me easily unless they buy some form of "entrance ticket". Just wanna be thankful for everything I have now. Maybe not asking for anything is the best way to get everything. or maybe when you start appreciating everything you have around you, and not asking for more than what you should have in the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, things will come when it's time for them to be at your door steps. so force of nature, is it time for some positive enlightenment into my life now? because i'm waiting.

簡簡單單

so much changes, so much happenings, one after another, just slowly changing me. who am i, i asked myself this question way too often. what am i going to do with my life? just give me a job, it will take my mind off lots of problems that I am not ready (or am I?) to face. lack the experience, i will slowly learn the ropes if only you give me the opportunity. but if the opportunity is not present, how am i suppose to learn? everyone giving me advices, taking in their advices, editing with their advices, but nothing is working. it has come to a point that i really give up because my patience is gone, my luck wasn't even around in the first place, what else can happen? well, lots of other negative stuffs can happen. i'm just waiting for the day where i end up like in my dream - been banged by a car. hopefully soon. too much of a good thing, resulted in me being in this state. someone either been cursing me behind my back for this whole year or i just used up too much of my good luck for this lifetime and it hasn't been replenished or karma or this is just life - the down side of my life that is.
been reading too much novels to kill time. reading too much about fortune telling - from date of birth to horoscope to face reading to palm reading to tarot cards to elements of the earth to anything and everything related to fortune telling. I know i'm down on luck, and i want to change it. because the wheel of fortune don't just stop, it turns. what goes around, comes back around.
one of the good thing about being this down, i really learnt how to appreciate every single thing. regardless of whatever bad stuffs thrown in my face, there's always a good side of how i view it. i don't think i ever try to be positive as much as now thou. hmm. another thing is so what if it's bad? just let it be it. i'm sure there's something i need to see from this. treat it like a learning experience. everyone got to be at ground zero sometimes. i know i am at ground zero. but hey, u know what? i don't care. because i'm glad i have all my friends, my family members beside me to cheer or help me at ground zero. it would have been better that my partner is with me, but then sometimes u can't force things. so be it. i can only keep the hope, keep the faith, believe that things will turn for the better. but whatever it is thrown in my face, i know i will grow out of it, and become stronger from it. like how i am now. the changes that i have grown into, the differences in me now and differences in me then is quite big, but in me, i am still the fun, childish kid that will always be rebellious, stubborn. the goofy me. and i like that about myself. because if i don't goofy around, i can't make things interesting. and i can't be the joke of my friends. most importantly is always laugh. always have fun. that's is what is important. because laughters can keep u accompany thru the dark times, and make u enjoy the happy time even more. going thru dark times? i can be ur listening ear. i might not give very good advices, but i can be ur wall where u talk it out. u need someone to side u? no prob. but i will tell u the truth at the same time if u are in the wrong. that's what friends are for. i wonder is this the differences that my friends sees in me. they tell me i changed for the better, is this the change? if it is, i will gladly improve myself even more. because i want to be better. i want to be a better person, a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better wife and so on. because i know i ain't a very good person in the past, i made too much mistakes, but i know it's never too late to change. and i hope i continue to change for the better and to remain as easy-going, open minded as usual. change to be a simpler person. no complications cause life is just full of it.

Love & Relationship are 2 different things

Read this from the email subscription that I have, and i found it to be very true. We always tend to confuse love and relationship together. If you really love someone, I guess it shouldn't matter much if you guys are together or not. even thou u want to be by their sides despite watching from afar every time. Just like how Severus Snape love Lily Evans (aka Lily Potter or Harry's Mum) or like how Naruto love Sakura or like .....
Anyway, besides the point, much as I really really hope for all 3 wishes of mine to be granted this year (since they are for this year.) I really really hope for all of them to come true because much as my guts and hearts tells me that, my brains tells me another. I can only leave it to fate and destiny because they are such a funny thing and I rather let it come my way.

U can read and see if u agree.

You know relationships and love are two different things. You can be in a relationship with someone but not love them. You can love someone and not be in a relationship with them.

Even when you love your partner from the bottom of your heart, sometimes, being in a relationship with them is hard.

At the starting of a relationship, it's easy to overlook all the problems and just be excited about everything.

But when the emotions settle down, and you really understand that person, you realize whether or not you really love them. 

It is true that if you two love each other, most of the relationship problems are easily solved. 

At first, I used to mistake love for the surge of emotions I got in the starting of a relationship.

But then I realized those were just hormones. Love is more meaningful than just hormones. It has to be.

Love is much more about trust and respect. It's when you know that you have someone who will always be with you through thick and thin.

It's when you know someone understands you and will support you no matter what. It's when you know that you will not do anything to hurt that person and neither will they. 

You know, they say that with love comes jealousy, insecurity, and a lot of negative feelings. 

I think that's baloney. Those feelings come with relationships, hormones and our own insecurities. Love is something more pure than that. 

I am not saying if you love someone, you will not have those feelings. I am saying those feelings are their because of the relationship and our insecurities. Don't blame love for that. 

And relationship and love are two different things. 

Maybe a lot of what I've written over here doesn't make sense. Maybe it's because love is really hard to define. Maybe, scholars and philosophers have already defined it and I haven't read about it yet.

if only...

when will the wheel of fortune start turning around and be pleasant for me? much as i appreciate everything i have now, i really hope my 3 wishes will come true. looking for job is a test of patience, and i got to declare that my patience is running low. after sending much applications out, none replied. either i'm asking too high a price (which many tells me i didn't and should have ask higher.) or the job market now is really that bad until too much graduates, not much demand for them. haix. i can only hope for the better. wish my positive mind can be kept up longer. guess i told everyone to stay positive after hearing all their problems, i can't help but feeling the effects of their negatively poured into me. if only i was back to how i used to share my feelings out, if only my heart allows another person in, maybe it might be different. but i know i can't, because that person took it and left. if only.........

lost in everything.

Wanted to blog for a very long time, but the feel is just not there. So i shall backdate this entry.

So 3 friday ago was the deadline for my dissertation, and that would mean that i have unofficially grad from uni. the road thru uni, i suppose i can't say it's very tough but neither is it easy. But I really learnt a lot about human relation during this period of time. I guess the exposure brings a lot of good it does to me. Guess I did learnt about human behaviors n all that.

But despite learning, I always get stuck as the middle man n that is one position I never like to be in. I never like to be a fan sitter, yes there are times I can't make up my mind, or I would rather just go with the flow, But I nv like to be pulled between both parties. It's either I am right, or I am wrong. I rather not get involved as compared to be in the fan sitter. Not my matter, then I dun want to know, no matter how curious I am.
Still, one of my biggest worry till date is my results for dissertation. I know I didn't write it out well. It's not my standard. I didn't even put in chi square n Cramer v that I am suppose to! But I don't even remember how to do it in spss format since my mind was just not in the right place to do the work. I really literally left it to the very last minute. The last 3 days before submission, every single day, slept at 6am, woke up at 8am to do. I rushed like I never rush a single project before. it's like i was rushing against time like some james bond movie. I really don't hope for a lot, just let me get my 2nd lower class honour will do. But with whatever I said or think of it, the opposite always happened, I really wonder if I will pass my dissertation at all.

Yes. My confidence level is badly beaten. My pride is badly hurt. My faith and belief is lost. No matter how much I wish miracles to happen, I know it will not. Let's just face the facts - I am just badly down on my luck. Nothing is going the right way in my life now, so how do I expect to keep everything in the high spirit? I still smile, I still laugh, But behind every single laughter, my worries, sorrows and sadness can't be hidden.
so many worries, none will be solved soon. especially with the market now so soft, how to expect to find a job when every single job asking for people with experience when i have none. it's not that i don't have experience, but not in the job scope that i applied. i wonder how many more must i apply to get it. I can only hope it will be soon.

just these 2 problems, it's a big worry and taking up too much space on my mind already. much less dealing with the matter to the heart. maybe bro said it right. maybe i ain't ready for a new romance despite being very lonely. maybe because i still ... i don't know. or maybe cause i know they are not the one for me. every time joking with bro that i don't have people want, because i'm just not the kind of girl any guy would want, but he will always sarcastically said back me that it's not i have nobody that wants me, but the guys that i rejected are not the type i was looking for. esp Vincent. no matter how many times i told him, he just doesn't back down. no matter how many times and how long i ignored him,  he just doesn't get it. it gone to the point of him misunderstanding the whole situation. i can't be bother to explain to him. but i can't help feeling sorry for him that he just couldn't get my heart. i can't help feeling sorry that he always gets himself drunk just to drown the pain of forgetting me. i can only help him in the only way i can, avoiding him. his drunken messages always sent at the very right moment before i switch off my data and head for bed. i can only say i'm sorry. the only good thing is that he doesn't have any social media, so he can't find me on any social media. U can just continue to stalk my WA status, but that's about it. i can only hope that u will give up this hope after holding it on for more than a year plus, and that u will stop drinking and thinking about me. to the other 2 guys, i'm sorry too. there's nothing i can say to help ease the pain, but sorry.

sometimes i wonder myself why i can't accept them since i'm lonely. but i know even if i do, it's just to replace him. i don't want a replacement, it's just too unfair for them. i guess i have grown in my own way. i know i will still love him despite time trying to heal my wounds. from the way i look at it, i don't think i will ever be in another relationship this lifetime. i'm in too much of a mess to accept anyone. i'm much too tied up in the last one that i can't and don't want to untie myself. i'm just too tired from trying to escape. i'm just going to let the rope break apart by itself, either that or i'll just died from the ropes tying me up. just letting nature take its own course. despite what the fortune prediction for this year, i guess i'll be one of the few goats that won't have a romance. i deserve my happiness, but i can't seems to get it without u being part of it. but what's the point of saying all these when u are supposedly with ur own happiness while i just suffered in silence, in my own sorrow. maybe i might be one of those career ladies that i used to dream about afterall. a person who only focus on work and nothing else. because afterall, i already lost my chance of obtaining it, so why bother to fight any battle in romance. i'll just wait, and let it find me instead of going out and search for it.

mainly all because i lost hope, faith, trust, belief in everything. trying to stay positive with every inch of it i can find within myself, but it's using up fast. i can only hope it will last till i find everything back where it belongs again. 

the truth and the deception

I know what I want, I go all out for it. Nothing will stop me to get to my final goals in life. I know how I act, and I chose to act it that way because that's who I am. I know why I said certain stuffs, act a certain way, because I stay true to myself. I let my heart takes me where it wants to take me, I let my brain decides which path I should go, because I know I'm happier that way. I fight for my own future, because I never give up. Whether it is right or wrong, I know I will learn my lesson one way or another. If it's wrong, I just simply stand up, think and consider for a while, and I head the way my heart and brains tells me in that moment. I chose to live my life this way, because life is too short to keep worrying. And because I know I will always be happy deep down inside if I listen to myself. I will make mistakes, I will learn from it, I will create moments, and I will celebrate in that glory. Because truth being said, I know I am never going to deceive myself from every moment on, to live my life as I want it to be, to create the future that I wish it to be. Because it's important to never give up on my dreams. It may take a short while, it may take ages, but the dream will be kept alive because I want it to happen.

My heart tells me to stay, my brain told me to let go in the day, by nightfall, it told me to stay. My heart tells me my happiness lies within you despite all you have put me thru, my brain scolded me for being a fool, yet by nightfall, it's you that my brains always dream about. I wish for the time to see another invisible man beside me like how I saw an invisible you before we met. I told you before that you were faceless in my dreams by my side during the night ride, during the accident that we saw. I wish then, I wish time will tell me now that another invisible man was waiting for me. I wish i knew the truth for how everything started it out, but I know myself that I might not want to hear the truth. everything you said after that day, i never felt anymore sincerity or your real feelings. your sorry don't sound sincere, you don't sound like you are at all. your "happy" felt more like not the real happiness you once felt. I know what I want, and I said it often, I know I want you, much as how often I said it, I have too much guts and balls. I don't fault you for finding it a pest, I don't even fault you for having an affair behind my back, it happens because I gave that chance to you. Do I fault myself then? Somewhat. For giving the opportunity but never to find out the true meaning of happiness if I never learnt this lesson a hard way. Never to find out the true meaning to myself which is what is most important. I can go crazy, but I know that that's the future I want.

It's weird that I never did dreamt bout E before after we broke up, yet this was different. I hope it's just my heart telling and convincing my mind, but I also hope and wish that it will come true. Because there's nothing happier in life as compared to when you found love.

I love you still, always have, always will. Maybe with time, it will fade~ Maybe with time, fate will reveal the truth to me~

I love you still and I'm sure of it because of that thumping of heartbeat that I felt when I saw you again. and that heartbeating wasn't because of other reasons.  ♥

When we met

a simple trip to town, a place u don't like to go, i knew i won't be able to see you. Yet I did. I saw ur t-shirt first, and i recognise u immediately. her continuously stares at me, just dulls against you. wanting to be as friendly as I could, I wanted to lightly tap u on your arms. Didn't meant to hit it hard, but I just had to act it cool. Didn't want to make the situation awkward for you. You were just busy chatting with your friend and just holding her hand and she just follows u along. Doesn't it sound familiar once? I saw more than what she wanted me to see in her eyes. I saw her controlness for u. She trying to figure me out, while you don't give a damn. How ironic the situation had became. They said an outsider sees more than the party involved sees. I knew what they meant then. I didn't see happiness in you, I didn't sense it from you either. Maybe you might think that you are talking to your friend, that's why you don't show either. This kind of thing, it doesn't always show in one way only, it shows in more than one ways.
I wanted to do so much more. the urges, the control I have to fight to prevent me from doing something stupid. I did what I could do, to pretend to walk past u cooly while you guys turn back and stare at who was the one that "slap" you. I know myself if I were to look back, I would have done many things. Many stupid, fun, beautiful, ugly things. To blow u a kiss, to give her the middle finger for being a 3rd party, to run back and hug u and many other things. surprisingly, none of it was to scold u for cheating on me behind my back, making me wear a "green hat".
Just walking towards you, to tapping you, to walking passed you, my heart have never beats so fast before this year other than that day when I saw u again when I landed. I knew then I was still in love with you. Sometimes I doubt myself whether was I still in love with you, or was it because of the loneliness I'm feeling that's why I wanted you back. Just that few seconds felt like minutes, I felt happy deep down inside me. Something that couldn't have been reached for a very long time (okay, maybe it's not that long. it's just 8 months.) I guess it starts to sound a bit like from some romance storybook, but for that instant, those feelings were exactly like what is written in a romance novel.
I believe in fate. When we were together, we never did bump into your ex. But yet when you are together with her, you bumped into me. I used to never believe in it, until I went overseas. The experience really changed me into who I really was. How ironic that we could have bump into each other when Singapore although not really big, ain't very small either. You could have been in one of the malls walking around, while I was in another, and we could never have bumped into one another even thou we are at the same place the whole time around. But yet we are fated to cross each other path once more. Like I always say, I would rather let nature's take its course. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe I am not.
While crossing to the place we met briefly, pharrell william's happy was playing, with the exact same line of "clap along if you know what happiness is to you." Of so many songs, why that song? and just a minute or two before I bump into you? Maybe you didn't realised, maybe you didn't hear it because u were busy talking to your friend instead.
I found myself surprised that I don't feel hurt even thou I saw with my own eyes that you guys are holding hands. I couldn't find the same anger that cheryl had when she blogged about us. Maybe cause i'm deceiving myself, maybe i'm not. I felt something more. I felt the willpower to stay and continue waiting. call me a fool, laugh at me for being one, i don't care. Because I know what my heart tells me, and I am willing to fight for my heart. You can say you don't have anymore feelings for me, like how you tried to lie badly to my face, like how intuition has been telling me that you were cheating on me when I was overseas. You can continue to lie to yourself like how you always think i'm lying to myself. Maybe the one all these while that has been lying to themselves was you. You didn't wanted me when I came back because you got too bored while waiting for me, and you found yourself a replacement while I was away. You wanted to try something new because you got bored of being in our relationship for too long. But one thing is that guilt for making me a fool will always be in you, for deceiving yourself out of true love. (or maybe it's just my thinking from what I know of you. That you have been manipulated  by yourself, by others, by what you see, by what  you want, by what you know, but not by what you feel.)

People said love is blind and love makes you a fool. I can tell you, it's facts. I have never felt much more like a blinded fool than right now than I have ever in my life - by waiting for you till the end of time.
I'll wait for you and we will start afresh by creating the happiness, sorrows, pains and every other emotions of a true love does. <3 p="">

The last lap of uni

Ever since I've been back, the clock for my last lap in UOS has already started. But ever since I've been back, nothing went smoothly. Not the right kind of way that the fortune said it would for the year of sheep this year.

So clever me decided on the topic for my dissertation to be about wet market. Because I wanted to help you save the trouble of doing research, and writing up the proposal for which you can just use and sent in to spring singapore when you wanted to start up your own business. I know how much you dislike to do such things, and i was happy to do it for you.

Things changed, I lost my purpose for doing this dissertation. All I have been trying to do is fixed up my broken self. Hanging out late, with anyone and everyone I can find, until to the point I felt so bad to keep disturbing my friends because of my own selfishness. End up having to do my own me time instead. But the worst thing about me time is that because u are free to do whatever you want, you think a lot. Walking down and back memory lanes, trying to make new memories with other people over the same places we've been, seems to be doing a way much harder job, because it's just too hard to overwrite. seems easy, but in reality, it's not. the thoughts will always linger at the back.

totally lost the whole timeline for my dissertation. my gantt chart done up, none was followed. and now? with just 12 days left, am i really able to complete my dissertation? I wish I know. because until now, despite the panic mode is in, i still can't seem to be able to do it up. 10,000 words is not easy to write, and i'm still at my lit review. seems like i'm going to fail my uni afterall. worst of all, i don't even know whether have i fixed myself up at all. this year ain't going well for me, and i really wish my life just stop here and be given to another person who is more in need of the life than me. Because I am content that I have live until this far, but to continue, I really don't know what else can i face.

the ironic of this whole dissertation is that despite doing it for you, you broke me into pieces which led to every other single shit problems I have to face myself. and yet, the acknowledgement page, your name appears despite not helping much like you first promised me because I didn't want to disturb your life anymore since you didn't want me in it.

and because i know i still love you deep down inside me despite every single hurt you keep inflicting on me unknowingly. Because only true love will be able to inflict hurt onto one another. and because i'm stupid enough to wait still.

on a side note, karma stop serving me already, i have already fulfilled been hurt by a 3rd party already. I never wanted to be a 3rd party in eugene's r/s anyway, but that's just cause i'm playful to cause pain on myself. I learnt my lesson, could you just move on and serve your justice to other people.

Try - P!nk

Currently sitting by the Riverside at Clarke quay, enjoying the river breeze. Recalling the other 2 times sitting here with my 2 diff grp of girl pals - the bayne street girls and chor chor + fee. Chatting all about our future, about our future jobs, about how to make money in today's economic. It was Then I wanted to open my own stall n cook for a living. But still, it's easier said than done.

Looking at people taking that swing, don't think I will ever find the courage to take that. Call me chicken, I don't care.

Enjoying the breeze, people watching, listening to the awesome playlist that my favourite ice cream store at Clarke quay (Nope, not the Japanese one, But the one at the end of central this building.) The funny thing is I never had their ice cream before, just had tea everytime I'm here, But I would recommend it to all my friends Cause of the nice ice cream n good service the waiters provides.

I'm Really the outdoor fellow who likes to absorb the energy that the public gives. Penning down my feelings after every outdoor trip, helps to clear my thots.

I wonder are u happy with ur life now? I wonder have u found out the meaning of happiness? And I wonder where is my happiness Then. It's not that I'm not happy with my life now, But it's not the super happy like when I was with u.

" Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple o'times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try"

AOA - Confused

Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do.

A heart that hurts is a heart in love.

i guess then i have to try harder no matter how much hurt i will continue to inflict on myself.

We belong together

(Ooh, ooh, sweet love, yeah)

I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you so
I should've held on tight, I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself

I could not fathom I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I'd be sitting here beside myself
'Cause I didn't know you, 'cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I've never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips 'cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together

I can't sleep at night when you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio singing to me:
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute this is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station so I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break and then I hear Babyface:
"I only think of you", and it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together but I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out where I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life, baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together baby! (We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
(Oooooooh yeah)
It's still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please (Oooooooh yeah)
(Come back, come back)
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna talk to me till the sun comes up (Ooooooh yeah)
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together!

Ooooooh yeah
Ooooooh yeah
Ooooooh yeah
We belong together

Happy choosing it, including choosing you.

growing up, you learn when you can't be soft anymore, and you got to let go when you are not happy. you can't always take into consideration people's feelings and because of trying to protect their feelings, you end up hurting yourself and not feeling the emotional of happiness with yourself. Because the most important thing about life is be happy with yourself first, if not you can't spread happiness. If you are happy with your decision, then go all out for it, but if you are doubting yourself whether is this the right one, you know deep down within yourself this is not the right one. If you have doubt(s), it's usually not the right one. If you can't fill the basic contentment of spreading happiness and absorbing happiness from others, you know you are not happy with your life.
Dr. Jack taught me that regardless whatever life throws at you, you can face it with 2 choices -
1) take it as it is because internally you are happy with regardless of the decision that you make at the end, no difficult cannot be solved if you are happy and content with your own life.
2) analysis the whole situation thru and thru, looking into every single possibility that if either of the decision you made have to be the right one for your own future. Reason you do this because you are not happy with your own life, and you wish that since life throw you this problem, you need to make the best decision so that you can be happy with it in the future.
But the sad truth about making decision in your life will always be this: 你所做的选着在那时候是你觉得最好的，但不代表是你生命中所做的最真诚，最真对的选着，因为人重是要最好的。但是你所做的选着在那时后你所决的是最好的，不代表你这辈子会是快了的。因为你只要最好，也觉得在那时候做的选着会对你是最快了的，而不是你本身已经最快了了。(okay, typing chinese is still a bloody chore to me. because Dr. Jack said every single thing in taiwanese chinese. -.-)
But then if you think about it, isn't the best decision you made at that time, the one that will make you the happiest? apparently, that's why life always throw you challenges at period timing to let you test whether is that your best decision because if it is, it should make you happy at the end of all the challenges you faced.

One thing I know for sure after listening and looking back at my own life, there sure to be things that I regretted because I wasn't happy and I made the decision to choose that path to make me happy. But one thing for sure until today, I am happy with most of my decisions that I made since my poly days until now. Because I was happy choosing it, and not because I think I will be happy if I chose it. and that includes you. I am happy with my own choice of taking up the courage to say those words to you then and still will do the same even if time will to rewind. Because I would not learn about all these if life didn't go this way for me. It takes a real person to admit their own mistakes in life, for the person want to grow into a better person. I found my happiness in myself and in you then not by chance, but by choice and by fate that we had crossed paths. Because I know I have to fight for my own happiness, and I will fight for my own happiness again, even with you. 

fuck life, fuck deceiving, fuck illusions.

So apparently whenever everyone asked me how is my life so far, I will sigh and ask myself so how is my life so far before I will reply. Because I really don't know how is my life so far. I mean there's so many jobs out there, which should I take, which direction I want to take? Having so many advices to listen to, which path to take? My dream job for now to work and learn from Victoria Secret, people tell me not to go cause of me not being experienced enough to work under such company. I know they care for me, so I'm taking up their advice and not heading there yet. Then where should I go next? I really don't know. Maybe I'll know when I send in resumes and see which company wants to accept me. but with the bad luck steaks going around for me, I wonder will I even have any company accepting me.

I know it's april tomorrow, and that means i'm left with 25 more days to do my report and hand in. but whenever I see it, I don't wish to do. Why should I bother to learn and do it for you when you don't give a bloody damn? Why should I let your ideal dream company be successful when you will be with another girl? and when I asked myself that, because I still bloody care. I wish I can be just as cold blooded as you are to me, to not care and not feel anything at all. Maybe it's my weakness to be so caring towards you. But i need to finish this report if not I can't graduate. Every time forcing myself to look at another point of view, because I need to grad, so I need to do it. But how come the motivation died everytime this happens but motivation never dies for any other things? one word - fuck.

Love life. well, it's going even shittier for me. I know I shouldn't revealed it here, since all my girl pals will murdered me for not updating my "progress". So after the break up, advancements came. But I can't accept them because there's no feelings for them. and feelings for girls are super important, at least for me. SO where is my Mr. right feelings guy?!
 Like I said, Vincent said he will wait for me, but I kept rejecting him until I give up rejecting him and just ignored him because I don't want to have karma effect of me for rejecting people.
Samuel tried to be the sweet-talker that I used to fall for. He was really gentlemanly, brought jacket because he doesn't want me to catch a cold in the cinema, but I was a step ahead of him. Walked me to the train station even thou he takes bus, and all the other minor stuffs. All the gentleman gestures but yet it didn't hit me as hard as how your actions did for me. Another thing is even 4 years plus later, much awkwardness still remains, we have no common topics, and we just can't chat much.
Both of them keeps complimenting about how I look now, but I still don't feel that I look my best.
And so bro and god-mum tried to arrange me to a blind date with R. but yet there was no feelings. Bro told me not to factor in age, because age doesn't matter, but does it? Somehow I still feel that I'm bother by dating a guy 9 years older than me. and there just ain't any sparks that fly.
So bys girls are arranging to go to the beach, so I can find guys.
Went clubbing quite a few times, yet I rejected because never find love in a club. (got nagged many times because my parents was saying why am I destroying my own life because of a guy when the actual intentions were just to drink, have fun, dance around, and enjoy my own life.)
If the ocean is so wide like everyone said, tell me why can't i find one that i can have feelings for? How much deeper must I dive to look for? Or just give me a stronger fishing rod, I'm super I will be able to fish for him. But I already give up looking. Because I'm sure the time will come when nature wants it to come to me. (Plus not forgetting i'm having freaking run of bad luck)
Bro asked me to ask myself this question - 爱一个人和喜欢一个人不一样, is it? Hearing what he said from his experiences, and agreeing to my opinion of that question, yes, it's really different. Just how far are you willing to go and change yourself just because the person asked you not to do it or to do certain things? How far this line is drawn between being yourself and changing yourself for that person? How are you able to balance this line and yet feels so comfortable as the skin on your body?

Why I said fuck deceiving and illusions because whenever I think and recalled the past, nothing of the past will accidentally or concidentally pop out of nowhere and surprised me. But when I do not want to think of the past, or just simply enjoying my day out with whichever friend(s) i'm with, the past always hits me in the face and is fucking bulls-eyes. and that is not so easy to obtain if you know what I mean. Take for example no. 1: how often is it always bulls-eyes when u happened to go out, and something related to fishing comes out and appear out of no where or u see people carrying fishing rods or happened to see a fishing equipments shop? none at all for me, and me being pretty observant, I sure would notice. But what happened after break up? *BAM* it appears out of nowhere. like seriously?!
Take for example no. 2: Just today I was taking train, and there's durian smell coming from another cabin. Sorry, I was laughing away when the couple opposite me was waving and pinching their nose and it reminded me of u. like seriously again?! But then I recalled how brave you were in bringing back the durian dessert for your mum when you can't stand the smell at all.
Take for example no. 3: Of all the times I went clubbing (which is pretty much for someone like me who doesn't like to squeeze in a crowd), the very first time I see a dance-off and on your b'day (technically your b'day since it crossed 12am.), and I remember about the guy u said who danced like kwangsoo and the dance-off that u saw in the club.
Take for example no. 4: Nowadays been listening to more club songs, but I don't really like clarity that song. so why is it on your b'day that I managed to hear to the same song 3 times despite never ever hearing the same song more than twice a day. And yet the same line always struck a cord in me - "If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?" and the next other line that struck with me is - "Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why."
So what am I going to say now? signs? I believe things happened for a reason and it maybe left unknown because God won't tell you the reason and you will never find out the true reason behind it. You may have guessed a few reasons yourself but you will never know the truth. Such as I see this as a sign of how you got together with her, and I more than friendly with Stephan. And the surprised thing? almost the same timing. Why didn't it become more was due to 3 reasons. because I have enough of long distance relationship, because and most importantly, I respected and stay faithful to my partner back home whom I loved and felt even more appreciated for after experiencing life apart and because I know that I like him a bit more than friend and that's all. because it's 喜欢 and not 爱. Because I know I won't move from SG to Cali just for him. Americans leh, your favourite type of people, you might say, but to be honest, are you sure? I can be single for the rest of my life, and just live in New York, my dream destination, and be happy there because I know I am happy with myself with every other thing in my life, but the important thing for me now is that I know I won't be happy if I never find my own happiness - my other half. After travelling the other half of the world, as fancy as many will say it is, but really it is afterall just a place/city/country to be in. Just like how Singapore is my place/city/country that I was fated to born here. Much as you can travel there, enjoy the place, but as a citizen there, you will also get bored of the place just like how singaporeans are bored of singapore.
I think I have asked myself enough time what is love already because love holds no boundary, and it can only be felt with the heart.

I know you have been trying to avoid me, just as I am making your life easier by avoiding you. Because I know your happiness matters to me.

confession: to be truthful to myself about love

At the rate that I keep reflecting on myself, I realised that I have not been very truthful with myself esp with my feelings. Starting from young, I have always been telling myself that I will never get marry because I don't want myself to get hurt. I didn't realised how much I have enclosed myself because I believe in being independent. Maybe the fact that I was a single child for quite some time makes me relied on myself for everything and not believing in anything easily until I tried it out myself and end up forming my own theory(s) about it and working my life with such theories. Maybe the fact that my family belongs to the strict type that I'm always rebellious against them, and stubborn against anything thrown in my face. From primary school been bullied, having my school bag and shoes thrown into rubbish bins, standing up against those so-called cleverer kids, resulting me to have a sharp tongue. Why make life so complicated when you can just say whatever you want, and the message is being brought across as compared to keeping it in, suffering for it, building up your tolerance level and end up exploding in whatever manners you could or even beating about the bushes to make sure your message got across by letting the other party figure it out themselves.

It have its disadvantages from having a sharp tongue, you tend to offend people without knowing. And I used to not care about people's feeling. maybe I still do a bit nowadays. Catching up with my girl pals recently, and I realised how much I have changed from the past. Having very bad memory failure because I couldn't remember all those things I did. Talking to them helps me to remember those bits and pieces. If loy did not remind me yesterday, I didn't even realised it. I didn't even realised that I told no one about me and eugene when we were together. Not any of the time we got together, not in secondary 1, not even after we graduated from sec sch. It was because of the rumors that spread, which is actually mentioned by him to his close friend that my batch knows about it. Everyone only knows after we broke up. What a surprise that was for me. Keeping it quiet because I know that the relationship will end up nowhere. And yet when I was still with him, I keep telling everyone that I won't get marry because there's no such thing as soulmates. Maybe there is, but I know it won't happened on me. I wasn't honest with myself because in my mindset, every relationship I entered, I have the mindset to have fun and until the time is up, it's time to go. Maybe cause I believed I am strong enough to let it go.

With the same mindset at hand, I entered my 2nd relationship. Acting upon the crush, with that mindset in mind, I thought I was strong enough if the relationship fell apart, I believed the hurt won't affect me that much. Girl pals nowadays telling me, in the first place, I said that I kinda of knew this relationship won't last. But like I said, I wasn't truthful with myself. I guessed I didn't expect myself to fall in love. I didn't expect myself to open myself up and fall in love with nicholas. Starting of the relationship it was just being getting over the first love, But gradually, with more memories created, with more time spent together, I didn't expect myself to open my heart. I didn't expect myself to find true love because it's not easy to find and it's rare. I didn't expect myself to be blinded, and continue to deceive myself everytime that it's just parts and parcels of a relationship. I just deceived myself time after time because I didn't know I have fallen.

The fact that I have fallen and fallen badly makes it So hard for me recover myself now. Everyone telling me I should let it go. I thought I did, But apparently I only semi did it. I let it go, But I wasn't able to accept anyone else in. I don't think I will ever let anyone in, Cause I just keep blaming myself for every faults and failures in this relationship. Maybe I'll never be ready to accept another person. And just maybe, I am destinated for singlehood for my this lifetime.

Bro told me something and it aches for me to know the truth: "as a guy myself, do you think he will come back for you even if he breaks up with this girl? He won't. Because he already hurt you and he doesn't want to hurt you again. He won't know how to face you after hurting you. He would rather face another girl and have a fresh start, no matter how strong ur love is." (But if he's man enough, he will admit his mistakes and face you again.)

Maybe it's true, maybe this is how Nicholas thinks too, But as a girl, I know I will always hold on to that hope no matter how small it is. Because
"能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少 然后得到多少并不计较"
Cause I know I found true love and I didn't treasure it while it's mine and let it go away from me. And the price that I pay with is this heartbreak and singlehood for my life.

death

saw a post recently about this girl who posted her final farewell via instagram, and while reading thru everything, I totally understand how she felt. Cause I went thru what she felt. It was really that bad that I wanted to die. Worst was that I had nightmare about my own death and that is like the 2nd time within 6 months, and in between I have a few times I had nightmares about being admitted into hospital cause of accidents. Because deja vu always happened on me, I am worried. Much less, this year horoscope states that our health will be affected, so it just increases the worry level. And knowing my own health now, with the vomiting, and now with the suddenness of lightheadedness, I got to take care of my own health. Playing safe is better now that I believe more in signs. But I believe that my time might be up soon if such signs are appearing. Or maybe this might be yet another challenge that I need to overcome on top of what I am going thru.

Sometimes you never know what you have until you lost it because you never appreciate it enough. 

signs?

Is this a test? A test that I have to go through to fight for what is left of my relationship? or a test for me to go thru to forget about him? I seriously don't know. And because nobody has ever experience this case scenario before, so who do I ask?

Cause if it's fate, just let him appear in front of me, won't that be a clearer sign than all these happening right now?

If anyone has ever been in such a situation before, just tell me what to do. When people break up of a bad r/s, good luck comes to them. but when people break up from a good relationship, bad luck happens. so how do you explain it? at the same time, despite packing away everything, things that I lost when we were together, how can it suddenly appeared despite packing my room so many times before and all these never appeared before. And things related to your interests or related to you suddenly appears all of a sudden - fishing, darting, prawning, tiong bahru, and many more.

And why until today you have to keep avoiding me if you are so confident that you are over me? What if the fact that you are actually bored in the relationship was because I wasn't around? What happened to the fighting spirit that we had together? What happened to your own theory of you won't be attracted to another girl when you are in a relationship? Maybe you didn't know your theory doesn't work at all. If you realised now, you should be having some rather bad stuffs happening around you, along with certain things that will remind you of me happening unknowingly around you. Because there's more than meets the eyes, and maybe it is signs that nature is giving to you despite you refusing to listen to it.

on a side note, feeling very down and not quite right today. Because of all these signs that I saw, and maybe cause I witnessed my own death in my dreams, headed out for a breather. But yet the place I went was the prawning area that we went to kill time. Emotions just came pouring out. feeling totally down and worst was the vomiting came back, worst than before. Looks like I need to head for another check up soon.

Because I know what fate has in store for me, that's why I'm willing to wait.

Appreciation

Shall delicate this post to all the people that I'm grateful for and my thoughts that went thru my mind during this period of time.

I'm very thankful for all my girl pals and bro who are always there for me until today, helping me to go thru this period of time, regardless how small or big a part you played, I'm grateful. 

Really thankful for my ladies, friends & bro: 

• Yina for her listening ear and being there for me.
• Alicia for her listening ear and last minute meet up at starbucks to hear me pour my feelings out
• Anica for "slapping" me awake with what I should be doing with my life
• Ying Duan for listening to me and trying to fix me into her busy schedule
• Pin Xuan for bringing me out to attend motivation talks and listening to me.
• Lee Gek for listening to me, pei me study and running.
• Yihui, Merilyn and Fiona for listening to me and giving me their advices.
• Gui Feng for attending class with me, listening to me.
• Yan Jun for listening, and giving me her own advices
• Michelle, Ming Xing and Rui Xian for listening, being there and wanting to help me spit at his face for doing it to me.
• Chee Lieng for being an older brother that I never have, for being a listening ear every single night to make sure I don't fall into depression like he did, letting me understand what guys are thinking and how similar Nicholas's thinking is to his. 
• Siti for listening to me and understanding me. 
• Samuel for always trying to be an idiot and cheering me up with those playful bluffs.
• Vincent for listening to me. (and for me to avoid for the rest of my life now.)
• Anita for her support and the clubbing session to help me forget the unhappiness.
• Jolyn for her listening ear and understanding. 
• Yenn Ting for her listening ear, and understanding how I felt. 
• Coreen and Ching Fang for asking me to stay strong and to move on. 
• Vivian mummy for trying to set me up in a blind date because she wants me to be happy
• all my fgm fairies who asked me to stay strong because they believe I can do it.
• and other random people and strangers who makes me smile with their simple compliments. 
• and a book - Why men love bitches. Because without it, I wouldn't have found back the "bitch" I was in the early part of my r/s with nic. And because I found it back, I'm happier with myself than I was in the later part of the r/s which I lost myself.

Really thankful for all these people for teaching/showing support in their own ways to make me grow up and understand how my own life should be about. 

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anyway, many things seems to be happening during this past month. lots of things related to you seems to keep appearing in my face. 

• looking for jobs - jobs found to be located at tiong bahru
• people asking me to go play darts or fishing. 
• just found a fishing shop in kovan just now.
• talking to bro and found out some stuffs that reminds me of you like keeping fishes.
• no idea why just suddenly felt like listening to S.H.E songs
• bro talking about his romance reminds me of those early days when we first started. going all out, planning surprises for me, spending as much time as we have together. 
• back to watching animes. 
• recalling back cycling trip with you to ecp and you keep complaining how lousy I am. haha. good old days of you complaining about me. 
• found out that your close friend has a bff that is my primary sch and secondary sch mate. (makes me wonder how small singapore really is.)
• while looking for other wet market people, how coincidental it is to find another person who also sells fishes at tiong bahru market. 
• deja vu(s) have been happening which reminds me of that time at changi area during our night cycling which I told you later on. 
• and many others that I can't recalled. (shall update it when I recall it.)

I don't know what fate is telling me despite me wanting to wait while moving on because I never know what kind of "fish" I might "catch", be it for better or for worst. But what I believe still remains deep inside me and I believe the time will come when nature decided our course to intertwine again or maybe not. For it's better not to have any expectation, because unexpected will happen only you least expect it to and when you stop searching for it. Our life(s) are already pre-planned and these are the lessons we must learn in order to grow.  

our past makes us who we are today.

no matter what kind of past we have, it helps us to shape into who we are today. different people been mold differently - some have to experience it, some just have to hear about it.
i'm really glad that i went overseas now. because it really open up my eyes. allowing me to be more open, more adaptable in any situations that calls for it. bring on the family gathering, the friends gathering, i'm no longer just sitting down there and listen to the jokes, but talking about a fair bit with everyone. after all, more friends are better than foes. and with what future career I hope to have, I'm really glad that I found all these in me. only thing I still find very very uncomfortable is looking and purchasing luxury brands. why that happens, I really don't know. Maybe I'm really not a girl.
New friends? no prob. keeping up with old friendships and polishing back to how it was once? checked. Because in me, I was more independent before I changed. I still blame myself for not noticing how much I have changed to become so relying on you when I am never the sticky type as I once said. Can't accept how the world from revolving around me, to become revolving around you instead. Can't change the fact that I didn't realized it sooner than later, maybe then I could have save myself from falling so badly like how I did when it happened close to 2 months back, which I think I still can't believe 2 months have passed. How easy it was for you to find another girl while I still have to look.
Despite learning more about the truth as time goes by, i still can't find it in me to hate you. because there ain't any point in hating you. Friends being friends, saying many bad stuffs about "how can you forgive him since he treated you this way?", yet I can still defend for you and tell them back not to say such stuffs about you. Ironic, isn't it? you can avoid me all you want, cause if you did nothing wrong, why bother to hide? why bother to lie to my face, why bother to keep everything a secret when to you, our r/s already ended way back then? maybe it's time you face the truth and not avoid it anymore, unless there's more than meets the eyes, more than what you are willing to accept. I can only think that you are avoiding me because you still think i'm emotionally unstable and will disturb u, but all i see you now is just as a friend or even a stranger whom I know your character and personality well enough. They say clever people ignore, but the actual fact is clever people just remember it and use it against you when time is right.
Despite learning more and more, it just gives me more and more lessons that I learnt in life. Lessons about love, fate, will power, preservance, determination, mind control, trust, guys, and even about life. I learnt how to make myself more difficult to read, no more the easy to read book, no more predictable moves.
People said I've grown up, but have I really? Or am I still making my strong front a little thicker to protect the shattered me now. I think I did. Because of all these happenings, it makes me realized how such things are lined up when we are born, to make us grow up, be a little bit wiser, be a little bit more mature, to make us who we are today. Because I believe that the end of the day, god (regardless of whatever religion you are), have already decided your fate for you. You can still change it, because there's gaps and spaces for you to make your changes, and that is when you have the will, you have the way to fight for it.

Because the world need more love, and spreading forgiveness will make the world a slightly better place to live in.

To Nicholas: I guess I never did tell you why I returned you the necklace. It's because I believe the two necklaces deserves to be together despite us not being together anymore, along with the memories that we once had. and that is, if I can still trust your words that you kept them away into our memory box. But should you one day ever decided that our memories should be reality again, wear the necklaces and find me, for I will always be there for you when you need me. Because I forgive you for your mistake even if you think it's not a mistake, but it already eaten into your guilt.

Growing up.

I feel that I have mature a lot not only because of this relationship, but also from what I learnt when I was there. I think I have set my mindset and my priorities straight up to thinking about my own future. Although I'm still 23 (or going to 23), I didn't realized how much I treasure to have a partner with me to walk thru life with me. 23 may still be young to many, but to be honest, is it really young anymore? I love to have someone to be with me, to encourage me while i encourage him also, to be supportive to each other, to shower care and concern for each other, and to love each other. Because even at this age, if i date another person for a few years, it's about time for marriage also. Or maybe cause I'm starting to get worry that when I was overseas, and now that I'm back, almost all my friends are in a relationship?! sucks to be single in a year when it's suppose to be your year of romance and yet I get broken up with.

Oh well, call me mean or a bitch if you want, but at least it doesn't sucks for me to have your new girl that you are dating with when I was not around, when you guys get together even before I am back, and even before we broke up, makes me wonder why you said you have no feelings for me when your new girl so similar to me in so many senses - feel, appearance, personality and many more I don't wish to name if not you will know how much I actually know about you two without the help of your friends who you think I got my information from. Because pal, you always seems to forget about one thing I always tell you - when girls dig for information, they really dig all the way even to the age of the girl and where she stays. 

Anyway, back to me. Now that I have set my life goals straight, I know what I want in my life, I know what are the steps that I should take to achieve them. My own fault for spending too much time in the past to help you think about what you want in life that I neglected my own. Started playing with shares because I need to start saving money for my old age and those medical fees that I will most likely incurred with the raising costs. Started to work out more often because if we don't care about our body from now, you never know when the stress will hit you so hard that you end up breaking down. Started laughing more, because happiness comes in all forms. Started to decide which career path I should take - to work my way up the ladder of the retail world or to be my own boss and open a zi char stall like concept and cook to sell. Yes it maybe long hours with no social life, but I will be able to save the money for my retirement. Yes, I'm thinking until retirement already. I don't want to live the barely enough life because money may make the world go round, but it doesn't buy happiness which is eventually what every human wants. 

Cause the purest form of happiness comes from within ourselves and is link to our most basic essential needs in life - Shelter, Food, Water, Air, Good Health and Love. 

finding back the old me - reconnections

so it seems i shouldn't just keep blogging about a person who can cheat behind my back despite the trust given to him or so i assumed due to the other party not wanting to tell me his side of the story other than him telling me that he want to try something new. cause love isn't a game for you to play.
anyway, for every bad stuffs, there's good things that came out of it. my weight went down drastically which shocks a lot of people because it's unhealthy way by only eating 1 meal a day every single day.
another good thing - i reconnected back with all my friends. and they helped me to get thru this period. even friends i thought i lost, i managed to get them back because friendships meant more to me than what i once took for granted. because it shouldn't have lost myself when i was in the r/s and end up having to make him more important than anything else. and because of that, the price i paid when this all came crashing down, it's too dear to me. because i lost the balance that i was suppose to have. but i am glad that i found it all back. and that i'm happier with myself than i was before and also that i appreciate every single thing in my life for nothing comes easy and without a price to pay.
Love all my girls who are always there for me despite me not making the effort to communicate with them much when i lost myself. I don't think I will be able to make it thru so peacefully without them. Because me being me, i get fire up easily, but i have learnt to wait to play the game. whatever for trying to reveal my cards all at once, because forgiving requires a bigger heart than to avoid u like what he's doing because only cowards run away from their past. but a real person stands up for their mistakes and their past that they have.
but the sad thing is that i end up keep wanting to vomit for no reason. every morning, every night and occasionally during the day. the morning sickness is getting worst. Cause the more i learnt about you two, the more hurt i felt from you. even if I have the child, I would rather the child not have a father like you with you cheating behind my back and not realizing your mistake.

enlightened.

i'll be waiting. forever will, forever am.

the truth is out. (updated)

so the truth is out now. and the truth is that you have another girl while i was away. the truth is that you indirectly cheated on me because you didn't want to tell me that you found another girl and not that you preferred your freedom, and not that you were stressed. those were just bullshits excuses. just so you know pal, you actually added her when i was over there. i noticed it, but i didn't say anything because it's your freedom to be friends with anybody. and when i found out, i guessed i wouldn't be surprised that you actually went out with her a few times when i was over there because i still remember about you and your "friends" going to amk and ice cream session. i don't know whether that's considered a good thing that you "cheated" behind my back, or that it's my assumption that you "cheated" behind my back because I know you did since I only have 2 friends in common, and one of them is you. just so you think there's no old me that you didn't see, pal, look at how i message you. you had the freedom to party away, i didn't question, i didn't ask because you have the right to, just like how i gave you the right to initially because all i cared for was your safety.

truth be told, i'm pissed off and a bit hurt. because firstly, you guys are going thru the exact same route when we first started. yes ahjuushi, you may think i am being deceived by my own illusion, but i have evidences that you said the same things to me. I don't know if that's what you always do to every girl, but i know in you that marriage is always your end goal. same like you once said to me. you may said different now to me, but like you said, those are the past. you said you have plans to settle down with her, exact same thing you said to me when we started. but ahjuushi, that's the first year chemistry in case you forgotten. secondly, the first time i met your friends also via a picnic, different location - barrage, same timing - night time. so what's the diff between her n me? i can't say a thing because i don't know her, and i don't judge her based on what i don't know. but you should that you love to repeat history on yourself. someone cheated on you, now you cheated on me. you told me you aren't a jerk, but hey, guess what, you are doing that right now. or maybe cause your definition of jerk means diff thing to you. thirdly, you guys are going the underground love route just like how we started. and i wonder what other similar routes you are going to use on her that you did with me.

maybe to you, the only thing in your mind is that we agreed to break up then. but if we agreed then, why did you bother to try again? because you haven't give up. yes, you have given up now because you found another girl, but what makes you so sure karma won't get back at you for doing this to me?

and pal oh pal, just so you know, researchers said that if you haven't forgotten about your old love, your new love will look/feel pretty similar to old love. so ahjuushi, looks like you need to think about it thru yourself. maybe you like her because she doesn't have much rules in the family like mine, maybe cause you two have more freedom together, but at the end of the day, you can only deceived yourself this much with what is in front of you, and who you actually love is not only about feel, but about how supportive that person will be for you, just like all the things i have done for you that i did not take credit for, because sometimes if you know the truth, you will know what is love.

I'm pretty sure this is how you talk to every girl. when talking about marriage.