lonely

i don't know why, but i'm feeling very lonely all of a sudden. it's not that i don't have friends here or what, but i just felt like i'm missing out of a lot of things by my side. i miss hugging onto something cause here doesn't have bolster such a thing. i wish i had brought along my penguin pillow pet. i wish i brought along my Eeyore. i wish i brought along my tv pillow. i wish i brought along my bf. due to the time difference, i can't chat much with anyone, let alone my family and bf. on top of that, my bf don't seems to care about me any much better than i was in sg. in fact, it seems to have gone worst. i really feel the heartache nowadays. the communication gotten worst to such an extent that i really don't know that are we even talking at all. i tell him stuffs and he doesn't even read all of my messages. i told him i'm feeling lonely, and he doesn't even say anything to me about it. it really makes me feel that why should i bother to fight so much for this relationship when i'm the only one putting in effort. is he even supporting me through my decisions just like how i support his. i have been fighting it such he gave up on us, all the way from sg until here. i'm really tired already. i just wanted a guy to love me for who i am, to be there for me when i need him. i think as i age with time, i just want a guy who has the right words for me when i needed to hear him say it to me. just like moments like this. people coming here to "play" and have fun even thought they have bf, but yet here i am, behaving myself in ways i don't even find it's me. people come here to have a fling, but i can't. cause i know i have a bf back home, but not one who can be there for me when i need him. not even in the sense of words. i really don't know what to do anymore. the weather here is getting colder, as my moods gets gloomier along with it.

stirling, scotland

it's been a while since i blog here. so now that i'm here blogging, it seems time have passed so fast cause i'm actually here in scotland already. yup, i'm here for a semester. and it's already been a week here. semi used to the life here, cause it's really relax, really slow, after 6pm, u have nothing to do but to cook dinner, chat n do your own work. i suppose it's a bit like how it is in singapore for me. but the distance apart from your family and friends will make you think differently from how you always regard singapore. i'm fine with no chilli and all that, cause afterall, i am the one doing the cooking since the other 3 people don't know how to cook. and i have been spending lots of money on grocery shopping and that is very bad. damn. but the fact that i came here to write is not cause of all this, but as per usual, my relationship prob. i know i have been taking to this platform about my r/s prob, and i don't wish for it. but i need somewhere to write what i feel and hopefully, somewhere n doesn't see. it's not that i dont want him to see, since he do know about this blog, but he forgot about it. oh well, he can see if he wants. i'm not stopping anybody. it's been a bad week all ard. i was attacked by an ex-colleague even thou i never say anything of that matters, but still, it's affecting me cause i don't like to be attack when i can't defend myself. n is just asking me to forget when he should know how it affects me. nevermind that. but the fact that i am been accused by him himself of other matters just makes the feeling really damn bad. i always thought of me going overseas is kind of like a test for our r/s. it's not that i want to test anything to make it weak, but it is in fact a test while i'm here, miles away from him, and him being in singapore. both of us single physically, just mentally attached. i always thought telling the truth is always good for a r/s, no matter how hurting it might be. but it's the truth, cause i never lie to my loved ones. but i have just been accused of that. he said i was lying to him. the fact that we didnt even talk much to each other already upsets me, but yet when we speaks, it hurts to have him so cold towards me. i didn't think that our r/s is so weak to this extend to be honest. i always thought of it been average. yes, not very strong cause we never solve those probs, but also not so weak that everything stuffs happened, it just makes me feel like giving up this r/s. it seems like everytime i'm the one putting in the effort, while he did nothing. i have been here only a week and we already argue twice. i really cannot imagine how it would be like for the remaining days. i wish i know what to do, but i feel so helpless in solving anything. me being so far away, and him not even showing much care and concern for me, not showing me love when i'm so far away. seriously, it just makes me feel like giving up. i really don't wish to bother anymore if his treatment to me continues to be like this. everytime i want to talk to him, he is just never there for me anymore. what should i do?