I really dunno what to say anymore. i won't be surprised if we really broke up. things are getting from bad to worse. and when we actually have the whole day to talk, he just don't want to reply. when whatsapp him cause he nv reply, he tell me we'll talk tomorrow. tell me how you expect me to response? the whole day for u to response, u refuse to, now i got to wait until tomorrow for u to reply me? fine. it takes 2 to play a game. not the first time i'm playing.
while re-reading back our past conversation tat we once had on msn, u said not to crowd u when u're off to meet your friends, so i nv crowd. and u said that you'll only contact me when you're bored. fine. from now on, i won't contact you. unless u deem urself as free then you start msging me first. to think that last time when our priority was each other, now that to you, i'm not even your priority. the difference how much time has past and yet changed us both.
all i wanted is just both of us to sit down and talk out the differences, unsatisfactory with each other. at least then we know if we can work out the difference. but from the look of things, we'll just keep dragging it on and on. i will come to such a day where everything will break down and we'll just end up breaking up. just like what one of dream shown. althou i rather the other dream happening, but it's obvious where this is leading to. the only thing that will change now is a miracle.
and just so you don't know, i wasted this weekend doing nothing but arguing with you and waiting for you to reply. instead of rushing my literature review which you also know i have to rush. but it seems like you don't care anymore also.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Saturday, 29 September 2012
I'm Still Alive
Alive Tour SG WAS AWESOME!!! It's really B to I to G to the BANG BANG!!!! (Y) wordless to describe.
Friday, 21 September 2012
lies are not accepted esp when they are your closest ones.
This is a very lengthy post, so if you don't wish to read, just skip it.
feeling kinda of down cause of some relationship problems. what's worst is that today (since now is 1.39am) is like our pre-mthsary. but the problem is just left lying there. it's not that i don't want to talk it out, but is him always defusing the problem by changing topic and ignoring the problem on hand. maybe that's why we end up having so many problems cause they are all left unsolved. i always thought that as a couple, u should be able to talk about anything and everything. couples should be like best friends. that's why ANY topics also can chat about.
already argued once about it, made him promised me that he will tell me. but yet once again, i have to find out myself by questioning him. i mean the basic trust is not even there. is there something wrong with me that you can't tell me? need me to ask then u say? and when u say, u blame me?! i already don't know what to do already. I'm stressed over so many things already - how am i going to go thru uni?, will i even pass this semester?, when will my freaking period come!?!(it's super late already!), am i going to be able to juggle work; studies; family and relationship, when will i even cut down weight, when will my health be proper again, and now this?! call me super hero please. and just cause i said he broke a promise, what did he say? i also broke my promise! and what is that promise? cause i never cut down my weight. when I'm depressed, i eat. but what did he say? i can't exercise is it? do i look like i got the time? and he says i very calculative with him! I'm not calculative! i just can't understand why being someone so close to me can lie to me. i just can't accept liars. i have my fair share of liars in my life already, i don't need you to be another one in my life. if u can't even tell me the truth, how do you expect me to trust u? which ones of your words are lies, which ones are the truth?
so what is the best thing to do in such a situation? yes, just accept all the blames. u blame me? yes, it's entirely my fault! u lie to me, I'm depressed, so i eat. i never keep my promise of cutting down weight, yes my fault. my fault that I'm so chubby. my fault that i never provide enough. my fault that you had to lie to me cause you don't know how to tell me. my fault that i put u so close to me. my fault that i had to make you promise me. my fault that I'm depressed. I seriously think that I've got depression. and I think I need to see the doctor for the pills.
and this is not just one of the promises that he broke. he promised that he will spend more time with me. did it happened? nope. it got worst in fact. that i can understand. he's always too tired after army to accompany me. but weekends? i don't think I'm ever his priority. friends, family, rest at home, games, then me. yup, I'm last in his list of things to do. I won't be surprise to see that the actual list is like this. I'm sure he will argue and say "no lor, i always find time to go out with you." or "I'm very tired from work, I don't have enough sleep." ya, it's just words. if you found time, that one very day a week? (sorry, i can't stop crying.)
because of what is happening, if you still don't know that I put up the walls around me, then I really don't know what to say. A heart is never meant to be there for you to break it. that's what love is for. it's to defend the heart. someone once said, if you are more unhappy in a relationship than happy, maybe you aren't meant to be in this relationship. for someone who you're in a relationship for two years, u would have expect the person to understand you better than he just know you. but apparently that's not true. i don't think i know you just like you don't know me.
every time something bad happened in our relationship, i always scold myself. why you so act clever, plan about 2year anniversary when you don't even know you can last this month a not. what if i got the thing and end up we break up, what is going to happen to the item? that one is your interest, not mine. i don't know what to do with it. and because this exact thought always happened, i end up pushing back the purchasing. on top of that, I'll scold myself, why so act clever and determine that he is the one? stop thinking about future when you can't even handle the present. don't plan about marriage, kids and all that. and I'll laugh to myself, what an ironic this is. i have always go around and tell people that i won't get marry and have kids. yet i dream about such stuffs. and i said maybe marriage is okay but for sure no kids. yet i think it's okay to have kids with you. i don't know why i went against my religion of believe. teaches me a lesson not to think so far.
the thing is that as you guys last longer in relationship, you're suppose to either gotten so used to the "bad" side or can't stand the "bad" side anymore. I'm actually in between. there are some that i have gotten so used to - no romance, no more surprises, and so on. yet at the same time, i can't stand all these too. i believed it's called immune. yes, I'm immune to all the "faults". that's why i always says it's okay. it's okay is another way for me to tell that i don't want to continue talking about it before i released the flood gates and blame you for it. treat it as your escape route.
i think i have grown so much that i don't understand myself anymore. anything that happened to me, shaped me. i thanks it for happening to me, cause now I'm learning from such things. I'm taking the back seat. I don't want to let it affect me the second time. cause i never knew that i was so weak. from an extrovert to now an introvert. maybe it was for the better. or for the worst.
i really don't wish to bother anymore. i don't want to think about it anymore. maybe this is just another one of the test of our relationship.
feeling kinda of down cause of some relationship problems. what's worst is that today (since now is 1.39am) is like our pre-mthsary. but the problem is just left lying there. it's not that i don't want to talk it out, but is him always defusing the problem by changing topic and ignoring the problem on hand. maybe that's why we end up having so many problems cause they are all left unsolved. i always thought that as a couple, u should be able to talk about anything and everything. couples should be like best friends. that's why ANY topics also can chat about.
already argued once about it, made him promised me that he will tell me. but yet once again, i have to find out myself by questioning him. i mean the basic trust is not even there. is there something wrong with me that you can't tell me? need me to ask then u say? and when u say, u blame me?! i already don't know what to do already. I'm stressed over so many things already - how am i going to go thru uni?, will i even pass this semester?, when will my freaking period come!?!(it's super late already!), am i going to be able to juggle work; studies; family and relationship, when will i even cut down weight, when will my health be proper again, and now this?! call me super hero please. and just cause i said he broke a promise, what did he say? i also broke my promise! and what is that promise? cause i never cut down my weight. when I'm depressed, i eat. but what did he say? i can't exercise is it? do i look like i got the time? and he says i very calculative with him! I'm not calculative! i just can't understand why being someone so close to me can lie to me. i just can't accept liars. i have my fair share of liars in my life already, i don't need you to be another one in my life. if u can't even tell me the truth, how do you expect me to trust u? which ones of your words are lies, which ones are the truth?
so what is the best thing to do in such a situation? yes, just accept all the blames. u blame me? yes, it's entirely my fault! u lie to me, I'm depressed, so i eat. i never keep my promise of cutting down weight, yes my fault. my fault that I'm so chubby. my fault that i never provide enough. my fault that you had to lie to me cause you don't know how to tell me. my fault that i put u so close to me. my fault that i had to make you promise me. my fault that I'm depressed. I seriously think that I've got depression. and I think I need to see the doctor for the pills.
and this is not just one of the promises that he broke. he promised that he will spend more time with me. did it happened? nope. it got worst in fact. that i can understand. he's always too tired after army to accompany me. but weekends? i don't think I'm ever his priority. friends, family, rest at home, games, then me. yup, I'm last in his list of things to do. I won't be surprise to see that the actual list is like this. I'm sure he will argue and say "no lor, i always find time to go out with you." or "I'm very tired from work, I don't have enough sleep." ya, it's just words. if you found time, that one very day a week? (sorry, i can't stop crying.)
because of what is happening, if you still don't know that I put up the walls around me, then I really don't know what to say. A heart is never meant to be there for you to break it. that's what love is for. it's to defend the heart. someone once said, if you are more unhappy in a relationship than happy, maybe you aren't meant to be in this relationship. for someone who you're in a relationship for two years, u would have expect the person to understand you better than he just know you. but apparently that's not true. i don't think i know you just like you don't know me.
every time something bad happened in our relationship, i always scold myself. why you so act clever, plan about 2year anniversary when you don't even know you can last this month a not. what if i got the thing and end up we break up, what is going to happen to the item? that one is your interest, not mine. i don't know what to do with it. and because this exact thought always happened, i end up pushing back the purchasing. on top of that, I'll scold myself, why so act clever and determine that he is the one? stop thinking about future when you can't even handle the present. don't plan about marriage, kids and all that. and I'll laugh to myself, what an ironic this is. i have always go around and tell people that i won't get marry and have kids. yet i dream about such stuffs. and i said maybe marriage is okay but for sure no kids. yet i think it's okay to have kids with you. i don't know why i went against my religion of believe. teaches me a lesson not to think so far.
the thing is that as you guys last longer in relationship, you're suppose to either gotten so used to the "bad" side or can't stand the "bad" side anymore. I'm actually in between. there are some that i have gotten so used to - no romance, no more surprises, and so on. yet at the same time, i can't stand all these too. i believed it's called immune. yes, I'm immune to all the "faults". that's why i always says it's okay. it's okay is another way for me to tell that i don't want to continue talking about it before i released the flood gates and blame you for it. treat it as your escape route.
i think i have grown so much that i don't understand myself anymore. anything that happened to me, shaped me. i thanks it for happening to me, cause now I'm learning from such things. I'm taking the back seat. I don't want to let it affect me the second time. cause i never knew that i was so weak. from an extrovert to now an introvert. maybe it was for the better. or for the worst.
i really don't wish to bother anymore. i don't want to think about it anymore. maybe this is just another one of the test of our relationship.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
2nd week about to begin~
So first week of school ended. Remember how I said I was using scotland in sem 7 as my motivation to study harder? well, I lost it again. cause in order to get to sem 7, i need to get past sem 5 first, which is this sem. but what i meant is that i lost it cause on the last day of lecture week, jonathan dropped a bomb. what kind of bomb is it u may ask. he told us exam format. and it's 3 essays in 3 hours with at least 3 authors plus the year to be written inside the exam answer for each essay. yes, i kid u not! that is british university standard!!!! ARGH!!!!!! *scream* i'm dying. and best of all, on the very first day, already talk about assignment. yes, ASSIGNMENT! literature review to be exact. T.T i'm seriously dying!!!! why? cause at first i chose my topic, and what happened? Prof jonathan told us that topic is POPULAR with everyone cause it's very general. so if i choose that topic, my chance to impress is NIL! so i chose yet another one i'm familiar and confident of. but yet again, what happened? i got lack of e-journals to sustain my review!!! GOSH! life is being a bitch. and so i wanted to read the articles today, (that's why i chose not to work and gave up my 65bucks of pay away. :( ) but i end up not having ANY MOOD to do my review. so there, my life for the first looking to be failure university life. haix.
shall go back and try to see if i can read. all thanks to adobe reader cannot find the words even thou it's in the e-journal! i see until want to be blind already!
shall go back and try to see if i can read. all thanks to adobe reader cannot find the words even thou it's in the e-journal! i see until want to be blind already!
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
scotland here i come! (i wish)
okay, so it's e 3rd day of school. so far aint that bad? at least i can
roughly understand and find some of the 1st module interesting. and best
of all, my prof is interesting! apart from he looking like chubby ryan
seacrest, he's quite funny. and he mixed it well with the topics. but
most of all, i'm currently using next yr (or sem 7) trip to scotland,
UOS as my motivation to study hard!hahaha! i know i'm like "cheating"
cause i'm using that as my motivation instead of using getting a good
degree for further use blah blah blah. but scotland man!!!! i wanna go!
okay, time to read. i actually can't believe that i need to read 125hrs
min. for each module for individual study on top of 25hrs of lecture and
15hrs of seminar. *faints* yes, literally! okay, i need to read my
2molo lecture man. ciao.
school is starting, the fear is building.
i know the school is starting,i really dunno whether can i study well a not.
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
Monday, 25 June 2012
in a unclear state of mind
i dont know if i'm looking forward to school or not. yes, it will be something that is supposingly of my interest, but to start the cycle once more. i really dont know if i can take it. what if one day i just gave up? what if my results are that bad that i'm gettin a 3rd class honours? i cant simply have a 3rd class honours. that sucks in my future employment. okay, i dont know what is going on anymore. i'm seeing lots of wedding bells ringing but i dont even know what is right for me anymore. is he the one? is this path i'm choosing by studying the right one? should i continue working? i dont know anymore. i'm just so confused. i wish there's a guideline book to show what are the things that will happened if certain course of the road are taken.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Life reflections period.
HELLO!!!!!!!!!! *WAVES!*
shock to see me back here bloggin rite??? i know.
guess after so long of not blogging, means i have lots of things to update right? actually, the fact is that there actually ain't anything to blog about. Lots of things happened, happy, sad, emotional heartbreaking, anger, and so on so forth. am i going to write it out? yes and no. why? cause i don't want to relive the past, but yet i want to note down the lessons learned in life. so in point form -
1) Life is just a meaningless stuff. It all depends on how you want to dress it up or strip it down.
2) Working in USS is getting more and more complicated matter. Thou i know the system in and out (or at least i think i know), more things just always cocked up.
3) Now i really wonder is retail for me?
4) SOP is a book that has many many and i meant LOTS OF MANY pages with unwritten words. They only tell you the outline of it. Not everything in it.
5) Maybe there isn't such a thing as justice anymore.
6) Love can come and go. Sometimes, it's best not to hold it tight cause the rope can still break and make both parties drift apart.
7) Maybe lesi and gay isn't all that bad that we all thought of.
8) Working can really make you a very very dull fellow. Worst is when you have shift work.
9) All i ever need is ???????? (i lost that answer already)
10) Sometimes, the bigger the company, the duller the lines of SOP.
11) Everything and i meant everything is in the control of GOD. Who are we to interfere?
12) Lessons in life are learnt this minute, and forgotten to apply the next.
13) Someone once told me, there's no point controlling the other party's life. It's their form of privacy.
14) The longer you work at one place, the lazier you get.
15) I wish i can still say i love you a lot a lot, but now i don't know if i can.
16) It's easy to let go of the past, once you have thought about the future.
17) A lot of times you can't change how you wish the "event" to happen, you can only keep the opinion to yourself.
18) When you give up your own life, you start appreciating everything that has happened.
19) I've changed.
oh well, if i continue, it'll be a never ending story for me to type. Cause i've been doing lots of reflections in my life, and i have to say, i'm not happy with some of what i've done, but it's the past. Let's move on.
One last thing for you to ponder on - what is life to you actually?
shock to see me back here bloggin rite??? i know.
guess after so long of not blogging, means i have lots of things to update right? actually, the fact is that there actually ain't anything to blog about. Lots of things happened, happy, sad, emotional heartbreaking, anger, and so on so forth. am i going to write it out? yes and no. why? cause i don't want to relive the past, but yet i want to note down the lessons learned in life. so in point form -
1) Life is just a meaningless stuff. It all depends on how you want to dress it up or strip it down.
2) Working in USS is getting more and more complicated matter. Thou i know the system in and out (or at least i think i know), more things just always cocked up.
3) Now i really wonder is retail for me?
4) SOP is a book that has many many and i meant LOTS OF MANY pages with unwritten words. They only tell you the outline of it. Not everything in it.
5) Maybe there isn't such a thing as justice anymore.
6) Love can come and go. Sometimes, it's best not to hold it tight cause the rope can still break and make both parties drift apart.
7) Maybe lesi and gay isn't all that bad that we all thought of.
8) Working can really make you a very very dull fellow. Worst is when you have shift work.
9) All i ever need is ???????? (i lost that answer already)
10) Sometimes, the bigger the company, the duller the lines of SOP.
11) Everything and i meant everything is in the control of GOD. Who are we to interfere?
12) Lessons in life are learnt this minute, and forgotten to apply the next.
13) Someone once told me, there's no point controlling the other party's life. It's their form of privacy.
14) The longer you work at one place, the lazier you get.
15) I wish i can still say i love you a lot a lot, but now i don't know if i can.
16) It's easy to let go of the past, once you have thought about the future.
17) A lot of times you can't change how you wish the "event" to happen, you can only keep the opinion to yourself.
18) When you give up your own life, you start appreciating everything that has happened.
19) I've changed.
oh well, if i continue, it'll be a never ending story for me to type. Cause i've been doing lots of reflections in my life, and i have to say, i'm not happy with some of what i've done, but it's the past. Let's move on.
One last thing for you to ponder on - what is life to you actually?
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Lonely souls
If you know i'm back blogging, you will know it's always during when i'm feeling down and really bored to the bones deep down.
to be honest, and always having the same reflections on myself, I'm really a very very bad friend. a bad person living honestly. with a very very bad personality that is not friendly enough, not likeable enough. i suppose i have been living like this, gotten thru it too often enough of being alone. to be honest, I'm always alone. hard to please. friends? i don't have lots. only those handful that can be counted with my hands and toes. pitiful much? kinda of? i have nothing to offer, nothing to keep them near me, not of worthy quality to keep in touch. people hates me and that's not a surprise to me at all. just a feeling of hurt that will be gone after much long of prolong observation on the individual. just feeling down again. seriously, the friend(s) that i have these days is just him. and when he's busy, it just becomes me alone. and it's just too often nowadays. off days are for me to feel emo, after work is for me to be emo too . during work, it's just pretense. life is just an acting stage putting on faces after faces as and when you're required to perform.
i think i have come to a point in time where my existence doesn't make a difference anymore. who knows, maybe the next time you see me, it might be just at the funeral. i don't believe in living anymore, and living minute by minute, even using work to avoid thinking. it's times like this, that i really wish that 2012 is the last year of earth. i really can't be bother with everything anymore. i really tried everything, already done my best, but it's still that bad.
guess i shall not write anymore. i just can't stop the tears from coming down anymore.
to be honest, and always having the same reflections on myself, I'm really a very very bad friend. a bad person living honestly. with a very very bad personality that is not friendly enough, not likeable enough. i suppose i have been living like this, gotten thru it too often enough of being alone. to be honest, I'm always alone. hard to please. friends? i don't have lots. only those handful that can be counted with my hands and toes. pitiful much? kinda of? i have nothing to offer, nothing to keep them near me, not of worthy quality to keep in touch. people hates me and that's not a surprise to me at all. just a feeling of hurt that will be gone after much long of prolong observation on the individual. just feeling down again. seriously, the friend(s) that i have these days is just him. and when he's busy, it just becomes me alone. and it's just too often nowadays. off days are for me to feel emo, after work is for me to be emo too . during work, it's just pretense. life is just an acting stage putting on faces after faces as and when you're required to perform.
i think i have come to a point in time where my existence doesn't make a difference anymore. who knows, maybe the next time you see me, it might be just at the funeral. i don't believe in living anymore, and living minute by minute, even using work to avoid thinking. it's times like this, that i really wish that 2012 is the last year of earth. i really can't be bother with everything anymore. i really tried everything, already done my best, but it's still that bad.
guess i shall not write anymore. i just can't stop the tears from coming down anymore.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
2012 doesn't seems good to me anymore.
I know I left this blog untouched for way too long and only decides to start blogging now again. Not on purpose, but not un-purposed too. it's not as if i have no time to blog at all, which i do, but i can only blame it on my laziness to not blog.
now i back to blog, but not in the blogging mind-set, seeing that i'm still using here as my frustration board. and here i am, back with an even more unsettling mind, with an even more disturbed situations than before. seems to me that 2012 didn't even start of well for me. how is that even possible? i wish everything to be solved, and just let everything go smoothly.
i don't want the other eyes staring at me like a complete strangers, i don't want you to tell me you still love me, i don't want you to come and destroy what i have now. back then, when i wanted was you to be back with me, you didn't wanted me. no matter how much you said you wanted me back then, you just didn't take any action, even after what i told you. now when i'm happy in my world, and with you finally deciding to take actions, why is it that you want to destroy what i have bulit, i have treasured? why is it always a 3rd party case when it comes to you and me? the tears i shed, the emotions that wavered, the dreams i dreamt, the thoughts i had, the chats we used to have, don't bring me back to the past, thank you.
i think i have wasted more than enough of my youth and time with you already. but messages like these, it just makes me dumbfound. Baby can't even be bother to help me, just tell me to ignore him. i wish to cry, but it pains me more to cry, cause it just makes me travel back in my memories.
i just wish for you to be happy the way you are, and don't come and spoil anybody's r/s. it takes ages to build it up, but seconds to break it down apart. maybe you think you'll be happier with me after doing so, but that doesn't make me happy.
okay, enough of that, the other matter up on hand is (hopefully), i'm the one that is sensitive to matters in the store. i'm like having this magnet of do not talk to me in the store, when i did nothing wrong. it feels as if rumors and politics are been played in the store once more. "actors and actresses" be it good or bad, seems to be doing it more professionally than me. maybe i haven't been in the work force long enough, or maybe i don't act as well, but that doesn't mean reactions to be such an extent. what it is, i'm just bearing with it. it's going to be over soon, for it won't be long when the hatred feeling leaves the air (meaning i'm gone from the store). i know that for sure i won't be missed cause i was a next to nothing even after contributing much to the store, it's just a heartless place like how someone told me before. or rather, more than one someone. changes, that's the word to describe that place, and that's what happens everyday.
i know this is pretty much an emo post, but i just got to let it out some. for the rest, i have no place to let it out, and hold it in my own. and it's time for me to get some sleep, for morning comes too soon.
nights to the world out there, and a belated happy 2012 new year to everyone,
xoxoxo,
yours sincerly,
Jo.
now i back to blog, but not in the blogging mind-set, seeing that i'm still using here as my frustration board. and here i am, back with an even more unsettling mind, with an even more disturbed situations than before. seems to me that 2012 didn't even start of well for me. how is that even possible? i wish everything to be solved, and just let everything go smoothly.
i don't want the other eyes staring at me like a complete strangers, i don't want you to tell me you still love me, i don't want you to come and destroy what i have now. back then, when i wanted was you to be back with me, you didn't wanted me. no matter how much you said you wanted me back then, you just didn't take any action, even after what i told you. now when i'm happy in my world, and with you finally deciding to take actions, why is it that you want to destroy what i have bulit, i have treasured? why is it always a 3rd party case when it comes to you and me? the tears i shed, the emotions that wavered, the dreams i dreamt, the thoughts i had, the chats we used to have, don't bring me back to the past, thank you.
i think i have wasted more than enough of my youth and time with you already. but messages like these, it just makes me dumbfound. Baby can't even be bother to help me, just tell me to ignore him. i wish to cry, but it pains me more to cry, cause it just makes me travel back in my memories.
i just wish for you to be happy the way you are, and don't come and spoil anybody's r/s. it takes ages to build it up, but seconds to break it down apart. maybe you think you'll be happier with me after doing so, but that doesn't make me happy.
okay, enough of that, the other matter up on hand is (hopefully), i'm the one that is sensitive to matters in the store. i'm like having this magnet of do not talk to me in the store, when i did nothing wrong. it feels as if rumors and politics are been played in the store once more. "actors and actresses" be it good or bad, seems to be doing it more professionally than me. maybe i haven't been in the work force long enough, or maybe i don't act as well, but that doesn't mean reactions to be such an extent. what it is, i'm just bearing with it. it's going to be over soon, for it won't be long when the hatred feeling leaves the air (meaning i'm gone from the store). i know that for sure i won't be missed cause i was a next to nothing even after contributing much to the store, it's just a heartless place like how someone told me before. or rather, more than one someone. changes, that's the word to describe that place, and that's what happens everyday.
i know this is pretty much an emo post, but i just got to let it out some. for the rest, i have no place to let it out, and hold it in my own. and it's time for me to get some sleep, for morning comes too soon.
nights to the world out there, and a belated happy 2012 new year to everyone,
xoxoxo,
yours sincerly,
Jo.
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