Waves and tides of Two o one six.

The years have gone by, the feelings have faded into nothing, but memories lingers. I don't deny that I don't miss all those little things that happened in those memories. From friendships, to loves, to adventures, to travel, to experiences. It's all greatly missed. People come, people go. I have fell in love, I have been loved, I have had crushes, I have had been crushed on. But that is what life is.

I don't know why I'm feeling sentimental.  Maybe because I have grown, and people starts to seek me for advices instead of the other way around. Been playing the role of consoling and comforting people all these while. I don't mind, and I get to see the human nature and helped me grow as a human.

I feel that I have been forced to mature way more than my peers and I don't know if it still sits well with me.

All that I know is how am I going to get over my current challenges and how am I going to push myself forward despite all tides and waves pushing me back.

Or just maybe, I should give myself up to the waves and be swallowed by the ocean, so that I will never live again.

The end of 2015

Christmas is over, boxing day is over and soon it's new year's Eve. Boy oh boy have time passed by so fast. (Okay, maybe it didn't pass very fast.)
Looking for a new job for a while now. Well, after my holidays that is. And that 3 weeks while I'm not in SG, it's a journey I will never forget.

Went to 4 different countries, or 3 since one is UK - Edinburgh, Scotland, UK ; Helsinki, Finland; Lapland,Finland; St. Petersburg, Russia; Moscow,Russia; London, England, UK.
Pretty fun, all in all. Loved the new people we met, all the airbnbs n hostels that we stayed, the dangerous adventures that we had, and so on. All the shopping that I can do, but yet I still feel empty. This trip was more like a soul searching for myself. And it all started because of work. Asking myself who am I, what I want in life, how and why and so on. I needed to know myself before I can know anyone else. Asked the girls, and they will tell u how down I was on the trip. I just didn't know myself. So being on this trip, I start questioning all my actions, my thoughts, my feelings and so on, so I can understand myself better.
Also, if possible, to get rid of the final rock/stone of that last r/s. I guessed that the main reason why I didn't get into another one. Because I wasn't ready. As much as every single day past by, I didn't care, I didn't feel, I just live it by the day. That wasn't me. But at the same time, that felt good.

Getting rid of emotional baggage,it isn't easy. But, it's a process that will make u stronger. Am I stronger? Nope. Or I would think I'm not. But I made up my mind. I will live my life being single. Because, there seemly isn't any because. I just have to be happy with myself. And that's most impt. Be who I am. Regardless of anything, I am happy with every single decision I have/will make in my life, because happiness starts within me. If I can't give myself the basic happiness, who am I to spread happiness?

So for this year, I'm fine being me. Because I'm growing every single day. And because I want to set my career path first. And I am doing so right now. I thank the heaven for giving me so much learning opportunities that I can learn from and maybe, just maybe, it might be useful for my career in the future.

So I'm not complainting and hope I can grow from there.

Here's wishing everyone around the world, a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy 2016 new year to come!😊😘

Xoxo,
J❤

2015 so far

So Half a year has gone by and I have yet to blog anything at all.
So Here it shall be.
Changed work Since last year late Nov. Was it the job I want? Yup. Is the actual job what I want? Maybe? Somewhat? Maybe all because the company structure and style just ain't right for me. Wanting to leave the company for very long, But kept forcing myself to Wait and endure for a year or so.
I don't if I can last that long, I really dunno.
Think by now, many would have known Where I work. And a place That I will never tell Unless u see Me at work or whatsoever.
Colleagues are fun. Well, excluded one of them. Shall not named for hey, there's so many kind of ppl in the world and as long as they don't come and make me, I'll just ignore u.
Lots of eye candies. And so far, only 1 is known by all by my colleagues. Oh Well, let's keep it low profile. They can joke however much they want about it , at least we have fun.
All in all, I just wish this year would be better before it ends.

Happy 2015

Happy 2015. What a year 2014 had been. Was it good? Or was it bad? That I Can't comment. All I can say is that it wasn't good But there are moments that I treasured.
It's been a year that I'm back n somehow I still always wish I wasn't back here. I miss London, I miss living alone, I miss having the freedom, most of all, I miss that I would not have gone thru the whole misery bullshit that I went thru the whole of last year.
Did I became a better person? Well, it depends on how u view on it. Personally, I would say I grew a lot. N I have more to grow on. Was I Happy? Somewhat. Sorry dudes, I wasn't ready. (Not that I will ever be with u few.) Nope, I'm not pretty, not smart, not helpful, not kind, nothing wonderful about me at all. I'm just another fat, below average girl. But I'm just very thankful I am still alive despite so much thoughts of suicide, hurting myself and so on. But then who knows, Maybe it might happen the next day, or a week later or a month later or whenever.
Yup, I have became negative. Very very negative. Was it Cause of this job? Somewhat. Was it Cause of something? Somewhat. All accumulated n resulted in me! Hooray!!!!
I don't wish for much this year. Just everything to go smoothly n just be Happy. In this reality now that I live in, happiness have gone away. How to get it back? I Can't. Or Maybe some other time.

All I am glad is that I have a job (not that I'm Happy with it), food on the table, bags on discounts, a roof over my head, my family and friends. Maybe That's all I can be asking for. Just glad that I can count my blessing for everyday that I'm alive, is another day to be thankful for.

To the fourth that never came

So Yup, as the title suggest, today would have been a different kind of day.
To be honest, I don't know how I'm feeling too. I know I can ignore all the 22nd of every month, But somehow just this mth, I Can't. Maybe because it was meant to be special. Maybe because it Can't be special anymore. Tummy filled with butterflies, neck filled with chokes of tears, eyelids blinking back those waves. All beside me now is just Eeyore with the dream catcher hanging above me. And the locket by my keys with our photos in my card pouch. I never meant to reveal such stuffs, But I promise to myself that I will be honest about everything.
Has a day gone by without Me thinking about u? Yes. But this month? No. Or rather since September. Or basically never a full month Where I never think about it. The endless dreams of u two together happily rubbing salt into a by right healed wound, call me creepy, But I don't control what my mind think of. N I don't wish to control. Let the mind be free, That's when creativity comes in.
People says you will always miss your first love. I don't know how True is that, because it's not the case for me.
My colleagues don't believe I'm single. Whenever they asked what happened, I don't know Why But I just started to cry. The always ever so bubbly girl just breaks down. Everyone gets stunted. Every single time I shared my side of the story, told them to give the benefit of a doubt, because I don't know the full story at least not from his side, I just started to tear. It seems to get worst especially recently when I told Fiona (my colleague) about it. Imagine two 23 years old on a late shift, standing outside bottega and Mont blanc and all of a sudden while I was talking about it, I broke down. I literally started to cry. Fiona didn't know what to do, just started hugging me and told me I will find a better one.
What if there is no better one? What if that last relationship was the last one I will ever date in my entire life? What if I just pass away in my sleep all of a sudden? What if because of the last relationship, the wounds never heal, n I'll never date again? What if I am meant to be single for the rest of my life? What if I am never meant to find my other half? What if I am just unable to commit because of this past relationship? I know I have trusting issues already, because I'm never able to trust anyone fully anymore. Not the sweet talkers, not Even the Serious ones.I don't know what to do actually. I have been in this loss maze for 10 whole months already.
Everyone told me not to blame myself But him for letting me down. I told all of them the same response: " I don't blame him nor her for breaking us apart. I don't know why he did this, nor will he ever explain to me. I don't blame her because she's just freaking young But Maybe she's more mature in other ways. I blame myself. Life is just this way. U never know when it's hitting you. I blame myself because I am never going to be good enough for anybody. I blame myself for having such fate. I blame myself for my poor growth as a human. I blame myself because nobody is at fault other than one self." They said I'm too kind, too naive, That's Why I got bullied. Told them they should have been able to see it now at work because I'm always helping others to hit their sales. They should know who I am by now because I'm a Fucking open book and bloody hell easy to read. Nothing interesting about me. I have more to learn, more to grow as a human.
But despite all the growth I can have, I still worry deep down about relationship. Will I be able to forget him? Will I be able to find my own happiness? Or is this my fate?
Every single time u log on to fb / instagram or just hang out with your friends, you hear/see another pal of yours getting marry, having a kid, it makes u wonder how old you are. I admit, it makes u even more worry will you ever have such a happy ending, will it even happen. You just to keep telling yourself to push it aside and just let it be. Being single has nothing wrong. U hang about, you flirt around, you have flings, you have your own control of everything and don't need to spare a thought about your other half. But Why is it everywhere I see couples, n it makes you long for it. I mean I'm only human.
I ask myself this question: do you still love him? And why do you still love him despite all that is done/over ? Not because you are lonely, not because you wish for a company. I second doubt myself every single time, just to double confirm. I know I do. Because love is hard to explain. N to me, everytime I see him, I just smile unknowingly. Maybe not always  on my face, But in my heart. You know the fluttering of heart when you see your love regardless of whatever happened? That feeling. When someone mention something, the linkage back to the memories or his personality, it just always hits me first. Even before my friends. The acceptances of all flaws of his, the annoying facts, all of which just makes me assured that I know I haven't forgotten about him. Yes, I may try to bury it deep, I may do stuffs to forget about it, But at the roots, it's still there. Hack it off at the roots la, you may say, But it ain't as easily said than done. I know I want him to be happy, so freeing him seems the choice But you will always ask yourself Why Can't u make him happy or don't you wish you would be happier together. Now it seems to be one side of happiness and other side of negativity and sadness. 
I guess I am just a naive, idiotic,blind  girl who should know better to do this. But to the last ounces of courage that I have,
I love you, Nicholas. Still. Always have, always will.

(Maybe I might just have the same fate as professor snape, single for rest of life because he always love lily.)

Cause i'm only human~

Much changes happened in my life, be it at work, or on me personally, I embraced it. Maybe, just Maybe the tarot cards predictions wasn't that far off wrong after all.
But I guess I'm still waiting for that one (or Maybe two) changes. N that is getting a job that I'm interested in. Or Maybe I should just be a salesgirl for the rest of my career. High pay, shitty hours, n lots n lots of human interactions that makes me loss faith in male species as a whole. Just a generalization thou I know there's a few special cases But I'm done searching. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will be. That's the funny thing about fate, n I suppose love. I don't deny I feel lonely at times because everywhere u turn, u see couples. Esp at airport. But what can I do? Just suck it up lor. I mean I'm human afterall. Yes, I still shitty miss him despite all That's done and over, But I'm just like any other Stupid girl. every human being needs love,because we are human. That's how we are created.
Work wise, mont blanc now is in a mess. I miss Andena (store internal joke), I miss Alex, I miss Glenna, I miss pork knuckles. Mont blanc really not the same anymore. I hope Andean will win his case,  I wish they didn't have to shuffle Kenneth to gm. I kinda of miss the time Where it's just the 3 of us suffering together. I don't mind the new team, I mean Roger is my ex colleague turn into now my sup, jeslyn always very blur n we have so much laughter together, firdaus is just been a bro as he always was by treating me like a guy and telling me which girl chio or which body part not right. -.- Joshua makes me afraid to interact with him lest he decided to punch me in the face and I'll be gone just like that. Makes me keep rushing myself to get out of here, not Cause of Joshua But Cause of the shitty mgmt.
I'm not going to clean up this Shit of a mess because Why should I? One thing to learn about this reality - always put ur own interest first. N Yes, That's y I sucks at work. Why? Because I'm always helping people instead of taking care of my own interest. My own personal target haven't hit, yet I just pass the sales on to my colleagues. Bravo Eh? All Cause they all have a responsibility - be it for family, be it for credit debts, be it for weddings, be it for housing and so on. Me? Only thing I'm taking care of is myself. Yes, I get the highest commission, But Where does it go to? Treating family for meals, buying them gifts, treating friends meals. That's how it goes. Any responsibility? Any burden? Nope.
I don't deny that I spent a lot. But it never seems to be on myself. So Why am I so foolish? Idk.
Haix. Sometimes I wonder Why I change so much. But I guess the most important thing is that I'm happy, comfortable with who I am. I am just glad people think of me as my age and who I once was, and will always be - the bubbly, crazy woman who always have fun and don't give a Fuck damn on how people think of me, guai lan piece of shitty human girl. 💁👏
Till next time for more update~ 😘
Xoxo,
J❤

yet another milestone closure.

didn't realised i didn't blog for the mth of aug, so here it is, a summary. not going to talk about work because that will be a post by itself.
finally graduated recently (or rather not so recently since now then i blog about it. -.- blame it on my laziness) since i'm backdating this entry after that recent one.
anyway, 15 aug was a busy day. woke up at my usual time (aka late mornings) prepared with make-ups and whatsoever nonsenses. headed to sch slightly later then the arranged time. :x but still within the time frame. hey, it's been ages since i traveled to sch and i somewhat forgot the traveling time. hehehe. blah blah blah. don't have to write up the details of every steps. but boy was i hungry. and best thing? i can't wear the robe and run to canteen to buy food, so bought from buzz, which had nth! 1 packet of soya bean milk was all i had for lunch. (like everyday) so i was one of the 2 that brought selfie stick along, and the cameraman very clever, everytime we take with selfie stick, he stand one corner and take us using it. -.-||| every single time even when we having our meal time, i took out selfie stick, he took a photo of us. -.-||| take already nvm, take one the photos came out not nice! still ask us to buy. -.-|||| u think i so rich ar! (okay la, i earned quite a bit of commission la. but also not to spend on such things ma. need to save for rainy days. since i used up mine. :( )
anyway, after a very small ceremony at a lecture theatre, food time! and photo taking of course.
next stop, hilton hotel!!! ya, just grad in the day time, at night at alumni event already. so we met the ceo of courts asia (since he also from UOS one.) food was so so much better. well since i didn't eat until then. hehehe. champagnes! cheers mateys for graduating! collected lots of contacts, but never send any. hehehe. why? cause it's not the one i'm looking for or rather it's not really in the retail sector.
anyway, enough of blahhness, headed to chill at starbucks nearby before heading to one altitude with the bayne street girls and rx's friends. didn't party late since next day i got to work. and also because we went there just to see the night view of sg from above for free. yes, call us cheapos, i don't care. bleh.
okay, end of boring post. till next time.(fyi, i'm posting from store lappy. hehe.)

Do i know myself actually?

Okay, am suppose to post my aug post, But guess I didn't afterall. Shall post it in the next post.
For this post, I guess I just wanna say I really don't know what am I really feeling. I think I know, But I don't want to admit it. And because I always been deceiving myself that I'm over it if I can start having feelings for other guys. But I guess I really don't know myself that Well after all. I mean who am I to you now But just a past. Just another person who you wouldn't care anyway. Just another stranger. 
I guess all I wanted to say is I know I still miss you despite not talking about you, thinking about you, and whatever works related to you. I know I stop myself from linking anything to you despite seeing it, But I guess I just gonna try harder.

I miss you still, Mr N.