Divorced

I think this is most definitely blog-worthy.

I am, officially, divorced.

I have a whole array of emotions running through me.

The next chapter begins.

shutdown

My friend, Jenn, asked why I haven't blogged lately.  It's hard to explain.  Things are so complex and hard right now that I don't know how to even begin to make sense of it all.  I no longer have health insurance.  After this month I may not get child support. At all.  It will accrue but that doesn't matter one bit if he can't pay it.  Levi has made very little attempt at finding a new job.  I am hanging on by a thread with school.  Alorah split the top of her foot open a couple weeks ago.  The dog got in another fight with a cat a few days before that happened.  I stopped being able to make mortgage payments as of September.  I am packing my house.  Boxing up summer clothing and linens, camping gear, and anything else we do not use right this moment so that I can store it.  Soon I will go looking for a storage unit.  I have had three night's out this year.  I am exhausted.  I am angry.  I am sad.  I am anxiety ridden.  I feel guilty that my Dad is having to rush to finish his kitchen so that we can move into the front, when the time comes. I feel guilty that I can't save the house.  I feel pulled in five million directions and each time I settle on one task I feel complete and utter stress that the other things that NEED to be done are not getting done so I freeze and nothing gets done.  It's really hard stuff.  I knew this would happen, I've been preparing for it for months.  We closed on this house November 1st, 2005.  I remember like yesterday how exciting it was.  The house was empty and we signed the papers in the early afternoon, ordered pizza, and Levi chased the kids around playing "squishy squashy"-the empty house was filled with laughter and squeals of joy.  5 months later I found out I was pregnant with Reese, then she died, then Levi had his first psychotic break.  By the time we had been here for a year everything had gone to shit.  Losing the house in many ways is full-circle.  Who knows.  I am working on finding some positives and keeping perspective.  It is what it is.
If you want to know the hell I went through with Levi watch Dr. Phil today.  Replace the lie-detector test with TWO dna tests-which were somehow screwed with and manufactured.  All the accusations.  All the emotional abuse.  Been there.  Over and over.
“When we share from our hearts and help someone else learn from our experiences, or ask for support for ourselves, we cultivate our true beauty.” – Michelle Phillips

New Bed!

Since we are downsizing, who knows when, I was hoping I'd get a smaller bed at some point.  A king in the duplex is not a good mix (it leaves very little room and I'll be giving the kids the bigger room as it is).  So when I was at my friend Jenn's house a couple weeks ago I asked if she had any furniture she was looking to sell b/c they downsized to be closer to fam (from Rio Rancho to Alb).  She said they had this bed and when she talked to her husband they said they'd sell the whole thing (mattress, box spring, and frame) for $100.  Wahooooo!  This poor mama swooped up that deal!  I bought new bedding after Levi and I separated the first time (that bedding) as a new karma kind of deal.  I couldn't afford a new bed though.  So now I have a new bed that doesn't sink, my back will be MUCH happier with support, and good karma!  Win/Win!  Plus, I will babysit Noah and Gracie for free any time as a thank-you!  My king bedding fits, so I don't even have to buy new sheets, yay!  I'm a happy mama.  I have not had a bed with foot board and a head board since 1999!  Sweeeeeeeeeet!  It's so pretty.  ahhhh.
Oh, and this is the bed I am getting the kids so they can share a room:

In a darker stain, Vance will have the bottom and I'll hang a sheet for privacy, the girls will each have a top part.  I figure I will have this bed for years to come.  I will probably save it and use it for my grandbabies.  Pretty cool bed.  I am selling Faith's loft bed, 2 dressers, my dresser and night stand, a huge computer desk, and a few other things to be able to buy it, also because I am not storing furniture, the only furniture I will store is Alorah's bed (because she loves it and I got an amazing deal on it) and possibly my childhood bedroom set, though most likely I will sell it and buy taller, wider dressers and pieces that store more.  The closets are SO small in the duplex that when I stand in them I can put my hands against each side.  3 kids.  One closet.  Insert creativity!  I will be storing off-season clothing and bedding, and other things that I cannot replace.  Everything else is getting sold, and I'm okay with that!  Oh, I will also have a rotation for the kids toys and books between the duplex and storage.  I have a whole system in mind.  We are going to make this work!!!!

Also, I will be filing for divorce this week.

Knowing when to fold!

Isn't that some key to success in poker?  I wouldn't know, having never actually played poker.  I digress.  Chemistry is EVIL.  I am dropping it.  sigh.  I don't want to, it is going to push me back for applying to the nursing program but this weekend spent studying for both a chem and bio exam has my head spinning.  I have exams in every class this week.  I am going to drop Chem, focus on Biology, and then most likely I will take a lower Chem class so that I have a better foundation for next time I try to take it.  I was not prepared for how fast it is taught, lack of homework, etc.  The failure rate is 70%.  I don't want to get a C, I want to get an A and that is going to take a LOT of dedication, time, effort, and tutoring.  Things I simply do not have time for right now if I want to get good grades in all my classes.

Navigating college is such a blast.  Just when you think you have it figured out-you are kicked in the arse and forced to realize that NOPE, you don't!!  Try again.

(p.s. trying to date is very low on my list of priorities, I seriously don't have time, but I have to put myself out there at some point...)

quickie run-down!

 Chuck T's times 3.  I scored Vance's for less than $4.  The girls decided they needed some so my dad took us to Target and bought them some.  Chuck T's are the bomb, I used to hate them!  Tisk!  

Faith-lookin' pretty in her black high tops.  Vance being silly in his blue tie-dye w/ white star and red trim, and Alorah SUPER excited for her pink cons.  

I have tests in EVERY effing class next week.  Major exams.  Shoot me.  My mother-in-law is taking V-man Fri and Saturday night.  Thank you sweet baby jesus!

quote

Health: Drink plenty of water. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy Play more games. Read more books than you did in 2010. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Sleep for 7 hours. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile. Personality: Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. Don’t over do. Keep your limits. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip. Dream more while you are awake. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. Smile and laugh more. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Society: Call your family often. Each day give something good to others. Forgive everyone for everything. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. Try to make at least three people smile each day. What other people think of you is none of your business. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. Life: Do the right thing! Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. The best is yet to come. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Explaining 09-11-01

The anniversary of 9/11 has stirred up so many memories.  I was pregnant with Alorah and Faith was almost 15 months old.  That morning was so different from most.  It was the first morning I woke to my sleeping baby in her crib for the first time.  I went to the living room and turned on Good Morning America and waited for her to wake, Alorah kicking and alert.  It was just after 7am and I looked in horror at the World Trade Center's first building on fire.  Soon after the second tower was hit and terrorism was quickly confirmed.  I was glued to the TV for days afterward.  Faith was too young to be aware of the tv and the horror playing on it.  I called Levi to tell him what had happened, he didn't believe me.  When he realized what had happened he was shocked, he was supposed to fly the next day for training.  I remember taking a family walk that night, leaving a candle burning on our front porch.  I remember being worried about this world we were bringing another baby into.  Several days later when they finally let planes fly again I remember the chills that filled me every time I heard one.    There are stories that will never leave me.  The mom of a baby due almost exactly at the same time as Alorah lost her husband (Todd Beamer), the one who coined "Let's Roll", that day.  Their baby girl was born on Jan. 9th, 2002.  I think of her often. Trying to explain the impact,  importance, and magnitude of that day is daunting.  I let my girls watch a Dateline Special, Remembering 9/11.  I just want them to know how important it is to have tolerance and realize that it was a terrorist group, not Muslims, that attacked us that day.  i want them to know that it will happen again.  Because, it will.  Something we can't lose site of.  I want them to tell their children.  I want their children to tell their children.  I hope they know how precious life is.  How to explain that day?  I don't know if it is possible.  Not really.

night at the ER

I am never, ever, ever saying out-loud that Alorah's asthma is doing well!  She gave us both quite a scare last night.  She was fine, did her homework, ate a great dinner.  I had no idea an asthma attack was lurking.  That's Alorah's MO.  She never gives much warning, sigh.  She said she was tight, it hurt to breathe, and she had that scared look on her face that she gets when she is really unwell.  I pulled out her peak flow and her oxygen monitor, her peak flow was 160 (she should be around 290-320) and her pulse ox was 88%.  I actually wasn't too worried, I set up her neb and when it was done I set the timer to check her again in 15 minutes.  86%.  At that minute my Dad called, I was about to call him, and he said he would meet me at the ER.  Her asthma has done some weird stuff-it is all about curve-balls, her oxygen level going down after a neb is a new one.  Scared the hell out of me.  We got to the ER and she was bouncing around between 88-94% so they put in an order for an x-ray and we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  We saw a friend of Faith's from her old school, she had fallen and her wrist bone was sticking out, thankfully it hadn't broken the skin but damn it looked painful.  We got in to a room around 10:30, saw a doc and gave him her run-down at 11.  He checked her and she had, thankfully opened up.  We were sent home with a scrip for Prednisolone and a note for school (SO glad I don't have class today).  As much as I hate going to the hospital, as much as I loathe it, I also know that I can't predict what she will do and she has proven over and over that she can get really sick really fast, which is the definition of brittle asthma.  It was a long night.  Our heads hit the pillow a bit after midnight and we both slept hard.  I won't give her steroids unless I have to, and I am crossing my toes I do not have to.  She is much more stable this morning and I have no idea what set her off.  

Thank goodness she is fine.  She's a tough cookie.  I just hope this fall is not like previous ones.  I'm holding my breath.  

2 posts in one day...say whaaaaa!?

Rach burned me this CD and it has quickly become a favorite.  Love it.  Very much.
This song especially.

So thank-you Levi, because without all of the madness I would never be on this path.  Not the path I had planned but I have been forced to dig deep and push on and find myself.  I am no longer lost...

RaNdOm

 Vance finally had his 7 year appointment, after 3 reschedules due to various reasons.  He has a few warts on his right knee, probably from splash park.  The girls both had them around 5-7 yrs old only theirs were on their toes, under their big toe nail, on surrounding toes and it was awful (we spent a LOT of time at the pool). They bawled when they had theirs frozen with liquid nitrogen, so I was fully prepared for a Vance-spectacular meltdown.  I had Dr. Tom show him how it works by first freezing one on my right ring finger that has come and gone a few times (it stung like crazy but I kept a straight face).  Tom also made dragon smoke before he put the gauge on the bottle and putting it next to his profile, Vance thought that was hysterical.  Vance sat up and watched as the warts turned white, he didn't even wince!  It was no big deal.  HURAH!  I was so excited.  I was totally expecting him to freak out.  Whew.  He weighs 52 pounds (which is awesome because he did not break out of the 30's until early last year!) and he is 4'1".  I can't remember what his weight percentile is but his height is 75th and his bmi is on the low end, which is his trend.  My little NICU wimpy white boy is healthy as can be!  I am so grateful.  So very, very grateful.  His behavior is much better.  He is loving school, he knows a lot of his times tables, is a pro at counting money, and writes the best little journal entries.  He's a cool kid.

 

 Alorah is doing great!  Her allergies have kicked up a few times requiring some breakthrough benedryl to get her through.  The other night her eyes swelled up and turned red and she keeps getting hives in the shower if the water is too warm.  Her moon face has gone down as has her appetite.  She is doing wonderful.  I am holding my breath.  Fall and Spring are hard on her generally but I am also pretty confident she is on the right regimen of meds.  She has not been on steroids in 12 weeks!  That alone is worth celebrating  Before that she had gone 8 weeks-before that she had 5 bursts in 5 months.  Definite improvement.  I am keeping a close eye on her but so far she has maintained (with a pre-visit neb and benedryl added to her daily meds) and done well at my mother-in-law's for the first time in years (she has a few cats and they usually trouble Alorah within minutes).  She has also done well with the fire pit at my dad's-it's the first time I let her roast marshmallows since last November.  I gave her 2 puffs from her inhaler first but she did fine (I had everything with me and checked her O2 quite a few times.

Faith is doing fantastic.  She spent almost all day yesterday cleaning her room and organizing (I used to do the same all the time at her age).  She is my most helpful child.  She has gained more responsibility of late.  Helping me with unloading the dishwasher, feeding Toby, putting her laundry away.  She also planted a small container garden in the backyard, it is doing great.  She is SO proud of herself.  She wants to know every detail of every thing we are going to do.  I told them we would walk Toby up to the school this weekend so they could play on the playground and Faith wanted to know which leash we would use, if we would bring a dog poop bag, etc.  She is very much into reading these days and spends a lot of time in her room curled up with a book, almost always about animals.  Right now she is reading a long book about horses.  She loves animals so much, I can see her doing something with animals.  Maybe she will be a trainer or a veterinarian or rescue and help adopt out animals.  I also see her gardening just like my mom.  Or maybe she will make jewelry.  She is so talented it blows me away.

All in all the kids are doing really well.  I am so proud of them.  I love them to the moon and the sun and the stars in the sky forever and ever and a day.

(P.S my blog will not show up on google reader, because it is invite only.  Sorry about that.  I took ads off so I don't get anything for "clicks."  I blog because I love going back and reading about our life and because I want to have all of this for the kids to read some day along with my livejournal which I started in '03.  Most of Vance's life has been written out.  I also work out a lot of my issues through my fingers.  It helps.)

Just....Breathe

I've known this day was coming for a long time. That fails to make it any easier to swallow.  Levi lost his job. Health insurance benefits end at the end of the month.  There are a lot of unknowns as this news just came down the pike at 4:45 yesterday afternoon, soon after I dropped Levi off from spending some time playing mini-golf and laser tag with the kids.  I have NO idea what I will do for health insurance (though I am extremely glad that I already had my back surgery, what a blessing) especially with all my pre-existing conditions.  My arthritis has been better with the doxycycline,my energy level is moderately better.  I am extremely worried about Levi being able to get his bi-weekly antipsychotic injections, the loss of his job could be yet another triggering event, he admitted yesterday that he is still hearing voices.  I honestly don't know if he can survive this illness without his medication. I honestly do not want to make him worse but as soon as there is no more health insurance I will be filing to change our legal separation to a divorce.  Nothing changes in our papers, it is just a processing fee to finalize it but I will not do it until he has time to process the job loss.  If he gets Social Security Disability he will get Medicare automatically and the kids each get a stipend (which would be put into 3 separate accounts and put into a trust until they are 20).  I know he filled out the paperwork for long term disability but we will not know until next week if he will get those benefits now that he is no longer employed with NEC (they are not the reason he got fired, UNM is the vendor and they chose not to allow him to come back.  If Levi was well enough to relocate they would have kept him and had him start a job in another state, he needs supervision and this is not a viable option).  He was offered a 3 month severance package if he 'goes quietly.'  I am barely surviving on student loans/grants and child support/alimony so unless he gets an amount from unemployment and long term disability there is no way I can keep the house.  I am slated, if everything goes perfectly and I get into nursing school on my first try, to graduate with my RN in May '14 (I will then apply at UNM for my BSN and work while obtaining that degree.  Then I will apply for grad school at UNM and go for my Master's).  The kids are upset, they will all have to share a room for at least 2 years and this is the only "home" that they have ever known.  We moved here when they were 16 months, 3, and 5.  Losing the house doesn't upset me, it just doesn't.  Getting my degree is much, much more important to me than bricks and dry wall.  It's JUST a house.  I don't want to have a foreclosure on my record, that upsets me.  It's a lot to think about.  I woke up at 3am in a panic.  I chewed some valium (yeah, screw it, my anxiety is too high and I'd rather NOT end up in the ER) and was able to go back to sleep.  My estimate of 18 hours of homework was way off, it is more like 30+ hours of homework outside of class.  Chemistry and Biology are hard, very hard.  Scientific notation and conversions are driving me batty, I don't know how I'll do once I get to compounds.  I really like my bio lecture group, I have a friend in my biomed class that was in my psych class last year that cracks me up.  I am just overwhelmed.  So, one breath at a time.  I will keep the kids in their school-there is no way I am going to move them if I can at all help it.  They have been through so much as it is.  My mind is reeling.  It feels like for the last 5 years I've been walking on hot coals.  Every time I turn around something else has slapped me down.  It HAS to get better.  Logic says it has to get better.  I am a full participant in making it better but dammit-universe pick on someone your own size!  I've HAD IT!  

I'm exhausted and upset but deep down I know that maybe losing the house is what has to happen for it to all come full circle.  We bought the house in November of 2005, Levi started to see and hear things in February of 2006.  We had lived in the duplex for almost 5 years before that.  The only thing that upsets me about moving back to the duplex is that it has such an impact on my Dad and Diane.  We'll both have to get storage units, they will not have the guest house for company, and seriously WHO wants to move back home when they are 32?  I wish there was some other way but school has to come first.  As soon as I get a job the kids and I will rent a bigger place.  Hopefully it will only be for 2 1/2 years, and I am really hoping that I can take out less loans-I'm already in pretty deep.  I am also hopeful that at the end of this semester I'll be able to apply for scholarships.  I've been through some pretty hard, dark, crappy stuff.  I can get through this, too.  

My kids rock

shoot, they ARE my rock.

Vance told me the other night "Mommy, you are a magnificent woman who always always tries and tries.  You are the best Mommy in the whole world."  This after losing legos and wii for misbehavior.  I've gone zero tolerance on him and he actually likes it.  He NEEDS it.  The more he loses the more he finds that boundary, the better he behaves.  It's exhausting but consistency has worked.  I have been reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" if you have a boundary pusher BUY THIS BOOK!!!!!  It has been life changing.  I have had it for over a year, but the past year of my life has been trying at best.  Sitting down and reading it was just too much.  I have been on survival mode for exactly one year.

One year ago tomorrow Levi asked for an open marriage, on the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary, and I asked for a divorce.  We spent Sept. 1st at "our" restaurant hashing out our divorce, me in tears barely able to eat.  Happy 10th anniversary.  I had surgery on Sept 29th, he moved out in December.  I've been a full-time single mom since January.  I've done it.  I have no idea how but I have.  We've worked into a unit.  The kids and I are doing well.  I never thought I could do this and I am doing it.  Some days I want to yank my hair out, cry, and throw myself down and have a pity party but I'm doing this.  Without a man.  Truth-I have NO interest in a relationship.  When I dedicated myself to school I married it.  I knew it would take everything in me.  It has and I have no regrets.  My first and most important priority is to my kids.  Getting my education is essential.  I have no less than 18 hours of homework every week.  It's crazy.  It's worth it.

I'm kicking ass at life.  I am strong, capable, and I can DO hard stuff.  I am woman, hear me ROAR!

We had open house at the kids school, everyone gushed over the kids.  It is unbelievably fantastic to have people love your kids.  *sniff*  I think they are pretty damn cool, too.

Speaking of cool their favorite tv show is Take the Money and Run.  I DVR it and we watch it on Friday's.  They love it.  It's awesome.  The no tv thing is working out really well.  The girls are super into reading.  Vance is super into art.  It works.  They start daycare tomorrow.  I enrolled them in a 5 star center (not kindercare).  It is a very safe place for them, and I know they are in a great environment.  My labs are until 5:30 on Tues and Thurs, I have biomedical ethics on Monday and Wednesday until 4:15 so there was no other option.
in more randomness, I am in love with this song


it sums up the acceptance of the past year.

guess what?  being alone...really, truly, 100% alone is FINE.  I'm fine.  I am better than I have been in over 5 years.  Life's too short.  LIVE it.  Be the best you you can be.  No one else can define you, make you happy, or bring you peace.  You have to find it for yourself and when you do?  KEEP IT.  Don't lose yourself.  You are all you have.

Panic in the house

I spent my vaca dealing with a HUGE mistake my psychology prof. made.  She entered an "F" instead of the A I earned.  This resulted in my being dropped from my developmental psych class, since that psych class is a pre-reg.  Oh, that was far from the worse of it.  Then I got an email stating that I was dropped from financial aide.  Then I had to come up with $1200 on the fly to save my classes and buy my books.  I had to borrow money.  It sucked.  My psych prof. was less than concerned with her mistake.  She did not get the grade change in when promised therefore I printed all the emails (and their LACK of reply from her) along with a letter of complaint outlining it all-including the phone call where she told ME to calm down.  I couldn't set up daycare for my kids, I can't get my FA reinstated, I had to buy books out-of-pocket all because of HER and I sent her emails outlining all of this.  Don't tell ME to calm down.  Anyway, I did what I could.

I am still trying to get reinstated.  UGH!!!!!!

I started classes for fall today.  I am already starting to panic.  I KNOW the financial aide will get worked out, I may have to file another appeal but it will be fine.  I had biology today, we have no choice but to take it along with a college success course.  Okay, those of you who had Firstenburg in High School-remember notebook checks?  It's a class that teaches BASIC organization skills.  We have a notebook check on Wednesday.  At least it will be a super easy A.  I did my first biology assignment between classes, I scored a 93%.  It is all done through www.masteringbiology.com.  All assignments are online.  There was a teacher in middle school who was a stickler for notes, if anyone from Roosevelt remembers he made us write EVERY single thing he wrote on the chalk board down.  I am a really good note taker as a result.  I had great teachers and I was always in college prep classes so I know I can do well.  I am looking at 18 hours/week at least of study time outside of class.  That is where my fears lie.  I am trying to get ahead, I will do chapter 2 assignments tonight for biology because I know for sure Chem is going to eat up hours and hours of time.  Biology will be a challenge, but nothing compared to Chem.  I am also taking the labs that go with both.  It's a lot.  Everyone keeps telling me it's a lot.  I don't have the luxury of time.  I seriously cannot take 5 years to get this degree.  The stress is incredible.  If nothing else I wish I could find some better ways to cope with that.  I am tired of my life being chaotic and stressful.  Kids, homework, showers, baths, meals, open house, doctor appointments, the list goes on and on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnnn.  My calender is chalk full.  I have texts upon texts from friends that have gone unanswered.  I spent my vaca literally surviving.  I didn't get shit done. I just did the bare minimum.  I kind of regret it now, but oh well.  This stress is definitely preferable to working at the daycare.  It is an ends to a means.  That doesn't make it any more fun!!

deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath in and deep breath out.
repeat.

I want to plug into school

Vance HATED school last year.  He was bored.  Now he has a new teacher whom he adores.  He has new challenges.  He came home and told me:
a) I am excited for homework!
b) I want to plug-into school.

Freaking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ETA this gem from Alorah yesterday.  At lunch I ordered a black bean burger and she got a cheeseburger.  She said "Mom, when I grow up I'll be a vegetarian"  I asked "why not now?!"  her answer?  priceless

"because I don't want to be a vegetarian for that looooooooong"

I almost died.

P.S the girls showed off another dance move a'la summer camp: the sprinkler.  Freaking hilarious.  Pajama Jam is rocking the P house.

P.P.S if you heard the screeching, screaming, and straight UP revolt over the "no TV rule" that was enforced last night but hit home tonight I'm so sorry.  Alorah was pissed off, and asthma or not that kid has lungs!  I was the worst mom EVER.  SO mean.  How dare I not allow them to watch TV when they didn't have homework.  Gasp.  The indignity of it all.  She is going to be a bl-ast when she hits puberty.  I may need ear plugs.  She got over it after about an hour of yelling it out in her room...full on ranting about my evilness.  Truthfully, it was amusing.  She was overtired and had to self-soothe without her favorite crutch.  Made that rule even MORE important!!!  That's a keeper!

No tears!

I had to drag them out of bed this morning.  No one wanted to get up.  Me included!  I made chocolate chip pancakes.  They were super excited about their signs.  As soon as they saw their friends the nerves chilled and they were excited to be back :)  

5th, 4th, 2nd

Back to school!  The last year they will all be in elementary at the same time.  SO bittersweet.  We are back to the routine, including 8 o'clock bedtime.  I don't think any of them fell asleep before 9.  Vance came out for water at 9:15.  Back to school jitters.  6:30 will come very early (grumble, they changed their start time from 9am to 7:55.  jackholes.  I HATE it)  and they will fall asleep much more readily tomorrow I'm sure!  We finished supply shopping today, backpacks are loaded.  We had a pajama jam tonight.  They are not allowed to watch ANY TV from 5pm the night before a school day until homework is done on Friday.  I pulled the plug at 5 and turned on my new Ipod docking stereo (CD/ipod/radio) that I got with my birthday money.  They had a blast dancing around the living room to the Eagles, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Janis Joplin, to name a few.  They did an amazing "rusty robot."  I have NO clue who taught them that move but it was freaking hilarious.  Alorah's gum flew out of her mouth and into her hair, leading to an impromptu hair snipping.  Never a dull moment.  Best purchase I've made in a long time.  I love having good speakers in the living area, we can jam through breakfast, too.  Tomorrow I am making chocolate chip pancakes with the # of the grade they are now in made out of the chips :)  They will love it.  That is after I get the coffee brewed.  Have I mentioned how much I loathe 6:30?  No, we can't move that even an inch because the girls MUST eat exactly one hour after they take their Prilosec.  Otherwise I'd get them up at 7.  Oh well.  It could be worse but I don't have to like it!  I also hate that they will be in daycare for so long in the afternoon.  Instead of 90min-2 hours they will be there 3-4 hours.  BOO!  It would have been awesome if we all started at 9, my school is less than 5 min. from theirs.  I could have dropped them and made it to mine without issue.  Why couldn't have done 9-3?  I just don't get it.  I'll stop bitching.  I should really get to bed!!  It's MY summer vaca though and I don't want to!  No homework...tests....or papers for 2 whole weeks.  Sweetness.

Birthday Wish ANSWERED!

All the kids are with grandparents right now because I am working on term papers.  I'm 3/4 of the way through my hard one, psych will be easy.

The ONLY wish I had for my birthday was to get to SLEEP IN.

For the first time in over 4 months I get to sleep until my mycoplasma ravaged body wakes up.

I am beyond excited.  Beyond.

Sleep.  Without any children to disturb me.  Real, solid, fantastic sleep.

Now that, my friends, is how I want to roll in 32!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 years down; a lifetime to go. Some reflections.

First and foremost I have survived the last 5 years.  That in and of itself is amazing.  There were times I didn't know if I would.  There were times I thought the pain would swallow me whole and I'd never crawl out.  There are times the darkness still creeps in, days like today quite frankly suck.  When I think back to then it is so hard for me to reconcile how I got here.  It saddens me greatly.  The wounds on my heart are permanent, I wish I could have them removed but they are there.  Forever.  There has been so much discord, pain, sorrow, joy turned to disappointment.  There is not a day I don't think about Reese.  She is in every single white butterfly, a few songs, and my soul.  The grief spills over every now and then, like a wave.  It used to be a gavel that would slam me from behind and take me to my knees, I am grateful that is no longer the case.  My life is so much different now.  Back then I still wanted more children.  Back then I was still in denial about the depth of Levi's illness.  Back then I never ever thought my marriage would fail.  Back then...even though I was in constant pain...I still had hope.  That hope is replaced with a few cups of anger, a whole lot of determination, and love beyond measure for my kids.  Acceptance.  I am okay with being alone.  I am okay with being a single mom.  Walking down the street with my kids and seeing a happy family doesn't break me anymore than I am already broken.  It is what it is.  Life has moved in its own direction and I have willed it onto a path that I am okay with.  Surviving.  In some cases thriving.  I got 103% on my psych. essay test I took the day we left for NJH.  The highest grade in the class (pre-curve it was 97%).  I just got my first English paper back, that I wrote on Andrea Yates, and I got an A-.  I had to drop biomedical ethics, which I am okay with.  I am excited for that class and missing so much of it cheated me out of a lot of good discussion and debate, I will take it in the fall.  I dropped it before it affected financial aid or my transcripts.  I have to sign up for fall classes on the 16th, it will be a full load.  The kids will go to daycare.  Having done well thus far is incredibly empowering.  I was a C-F student in High School (except in English and humanities).  I didn't care.  I'd get an F in English, apply myself and get an A, end up with a C for my final grade.  Self-sabotage.  Being an adult student is a huge difference.  I actually care.  I have to do well!  I am replacing F's from 2000 with A's!!  My GPA is steadily creeping up which I have to hope will help me bode well for when I petition the nursing program.  I also plan to do volunteer work and build references.  Reese made me a survivor.  She taught me how to put myself back together.  I am still, at my core, broken. I am working on it in therapy.  I am working steadily toward my goals.  Today sucks.  I HATE today.  I hate that my daughter is not here.  I am not okay with never having my "rainbow" baby, but I have forged a path and a life for the kids and I that is healthy.  I will never stop missing her.  My heart will never be complete.  I will go to my grave aching for her. 5 years down.  5 years.....

The big 0-7!!!!!!!!

Today this sweet, amazing, energetic, former wimpy white boy and NICU grad turned the BIG 0-7!!!  Sigh.  I officially have 3 BIG kids.  7, 9, and 11.  I remember when he was born and this time seemed SO far away, thinking about how it might be to have kids these ages.  Now its here. It's chaos and fun.  It's hard questions and learning new skills all the time.  He had a great day today. He woke up and opened a gift from his Dad, he got to talk to him twice, too. He picked out some fun stuff at TRU, we went to Whole Foods and he picked out his cake (he wanted a chocolate chip one like the one we got for my dad on Father's Day), we went to Starbucks and he got a grande chocolate milk w/ whip cream-one of his favorite treats, and then we came home so he could play for a bit before going to get his sisters at summer camp.  He is big into Lego sets right now, specifically the snow sets from Star Wars.  He also got some Toy Story 3 toys and my Dad & Diane got him Cars 2 Wii game and a Raving Rabbits game (the pirate one).  We will go see Cars 2 in 3-D this weekend (first showing is regular price at Century 24).

I know I have not updated this about NJH or Alorah.  I will-soon.  We have some answers, ruled a whole lot out, and there will be a lot more wait and see and hope that what we do know works (and helps)...

LOOT!

Chocolaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

Alorah picked this tiger out for Vance at the Denver Zoo.  He is super soft.  Vance LOVES him and named him Rawr-Rawr.  He slept wrapped around his sweet tiger all night.  So sweet!  

Happy Birthday Vance-man!!!  

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful little guy.  

Father's Day-the gift

I was going to update my facebook status today about Father's Day.  My Dad doesn't have a facebook, he'd never see it but that isn't what caused me to pause.  My Dad isn't biologically mine, most people know that.  He adopted me when I was 5, my biological father (and my mom's first husband) gave up his parental rights.  He gave me the gift of an amazing dad.  Sonny, my biological father, had remarried and had two more son's he also adopted his wife's son.  I have two half and one step brother.  My Dad also has a son he father'd when he was young who found him several years ago.  Confused yet?  So, I have 4 brothers.  Through the years I have heard several versions of what happened to cause Sonny to make the choice he did.  It doesn't matter.  If you love someone sometimes you have to do what is best for them and let them go-that is what adoption is!  My Memaw and Pepaw (Sonny's parents) always remembered my birthday, they still remember my children's birthday's every year.  Sonny sent gifts every Christmas (I still have my Ashton Drake dolls and the elephants) My Dad taught me about camping and whittling an aspen tree into a walking stick and he never missed a soccer game, band performance, or any other significant event in my life.  Would it be different if there wasn't a paper saying he was legally my Dad?  I can't know but I doubt it!  I don't know my brother's well, which has made me sad through the years.  I grew up, essentially, an only child.  What I do know is that I had a very stable, loving, happy childhood.
So, Happy Father's Day Dad!!  Thank-you for raising me, for choosing me, and for always guiding me with firm expectations-and unconditional love.  (I'm still sorry I had to tell you I was pregnant with Faith on your birthday!  Look how awesome she is though!!!  Yeah, you'll probably never read this either but I love you)

Sonny,
Thank-you for the gift you gave all those years ago.  I know it could not have been easy.  I truly appreciate that you found that strength and did what was best for me.

Pondering

I am sitting here listening to the ho-hum-drum of the daily 4pm neb and taking a break from laundry and packing.  We had a lovely (and deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelicious) breakfast with Gran Diane and Papa this morning before picking up my van (it needed new back breaks incl. drums, transmission flush, power steering flush, oil change, wiper blades, etc so I am *really* glad it got serviced before we hit the road)  I also realized very quickly that downsizing to a car is NOT a good idea.  I'm keeping that van.  Having 3 kids that close together=chaos and fighting.  I would surely wreck dealing that that shiz.  No amt. of gas saved is worth that stress!  I digress, Alorah has been different lately.  When she started steroids the day the smoke rolled in her appetite was crap, she was cranky, she was working hard, and I pushed fluids rather than foods. She has been off of steroids well over a week and her appetite the past 5 days has been ravenous!  She is constantly hungry.  Her face seems to have taken on a bit of a moon shape I've noticed :(  (If I compare recent pics with those from a year ago it is noticeable.)  Can you see what I mean?  Click pic to enlarge...

Easter 2010

mother's day 2011

I'm not sure if this is due to her many, many steroid bursts or the sheer amount of meds she is on.  I just don't know.  She has been fiesty, more than usual, about everything.  It is not normally an issue to ask her to do a neb, peak flow, or pulseox check.  Lately the neb straight up pisses her off.  She gets SO mad at me.  Oh, gee, sorry darlin' but I'd much rather you do the neb then chance landing the hospital because you red zone so fast.  She has gotten many questions lately about her mask, too.  When these questions come from kids I seriously do NOT mind, she answers beautifully and handles herself with grace.  I was slightly irritated with the Target cashier today for asking.  We have seen a handful of people out in public with masks and Alorah always feels such comfort seeing other people "like her".  I know this person didn't ask to be rude, I don't know why...it just didn't set well with me.  She has been masked for months with no end in sight.  She remembers her mask without any prompting from me, it is as normal to her as shoes.  She also carries an N-95 with her in case air-quality gets bad.  She can probably manage her asthma better than anyone around her, besides me.  I asked last night how she feels about NJH, she is excited and nervous.  Completely understandable on both counts.  She knows there will be allergy testing-she knows what that entails.  She knows exactly what a blood draw is and how it feels.  I can't prepare her for the rapid succession of tests.  I can't make this all go away, all I can do is fight for her.  She also has an outer ear infection which has reduced her hearing in her left ear and made her rather irritable as well.
I have found myself pondering often what in the world is going on with her.  IS it asthma?  Yes, she absolutely has allergies-her IgE made that clear, it is not typical.
I am packing everyone up.  Faith and Vance have 4 plastic bins each.  1 20 gal for clothing, 2 shoebox size (one for socks/underwear and one for toiletries), they also each have a plastic crate for favorite toys and books.  Much less expensive solution to things than buying luggage and we can re-use it all after the trip.  Alorah and I are using luggage...it would be only slightly weird for us to haul a 20 gal bin in for her sleep study.  I am also packing our own blankets/pillows/towels...and flip flops...and trying to find an unscented solution to wiping down remotes/phones/door knobs.  I'm not usually this neurotic, however, Alorah getting sick would be really bad.  It's bad enough that she has this ear infection going on.
Last check Raton pass is open and shouldn't be a problem.  Seriously hoping that does not change.  Our first appointment is at 11am so at least we do not have to get up at dark-thirty to be at the hospital after driving for hours.

Levi was discharged from involuntary committal yesterday.  I am holding my breath and hoping for the best.  There are a lot of details where the kids are concerned and I will leave those out.  The most important thing is that they will be fine, and I have put a lot of boundaries up to make sure of that.  One day at a time.

Anyone want to study the function of neurons and how synapses fire and what the lobes of the brain are and two functions of the endocrine system and what they do and the difference between Scientific Method and Behavioral Psych for me?  Big essay test on Monday.

So much to do

So far I have:
had the tires checked, rotated, and my spare replaced (since it was toast)
printed off all the NJH forms
printed off medical powers of attorney for my MIL and my Mom so they can get care for Vance & Faith if needed
cleaned the van (interior)
done most of the laundry
made an appt. for the van to be inspected and the oil changed

I still have to
pack.  everyone.  not to mention the dog.
do more laundry
fill out the papers for NJH
get the PoA's notarized
get the van's exterior cleaned
study for my psych test
have the kids' make Father's Day cards
make lists for each of us so nothing, NOTHING, gets left behind that must go up to Colorado
Send some love & light to Raton (and please cross your fingers that Alorah and I do not have to add 2 hours to our trip next week!!! please, I really..really do not want to deal with that!  Esp since we are not leaving until 3pm as it is..and that is if we are lucky)
Set up the bug guy to come while Alorah is not here
pay bills
write up my research paper proposal for Eng 102
buy groceries
drop the van off to be inspected tomorrow (and hope that nothing is wrong!!)

Guess I should get my butt in gear.  I'll update this when we are in Colorado at the latest..

Memory Monday

I was 13 in this pic.  I know that because when I was 13 my mom and dad bought me that TV and we got cable for the first time and it was put in every room.  Including mine.  This was when life was simple.  Drama was a little bit of gossip or petty fight with friends at school.  I had never heard the words mental illness, antipsychotics, or schizoaffective disorder.  See all those bunnies?  My Memaw and Pepaw sent me a bunny every Easter.  I loved stuffed animals.  They also sent me cabage patch dolls and I still have them.  My girls play with them.  I, like Faith, loved purple and my mom let me pick out my whole bedroom set and paint.  It was a great room that I loved during my tween years.  I later painted the room across the hall a deep shade of evergreen with maroon trim and it was much more mature...that was not long before my parents divorced.  I still dream of this house and I can vividly remember how it smelled.  I loved the layout.  I loved that my Grandma had picked it out.  I loved everything about it.  I still dream about it, in the dreams I am always disoriented.  It is hard to explain, but gosh I loved that home.  It was the only thing I was really bummed about when my parents split.  I wonder if my kids will feel the same when we move out of this house.  Do you ever forget your childhood home?  I don't have much emotional attachment to this place, everything bad started shortly after we bought it.  Part of me feels like losing it and moving back to the duplex brings the kids and I full circle.  Maybe that is how it is supposed to happen.  Maybe that is how the next chapter really starts.  So many questions.  So few answers.

Levi is very sick.  Please keep him and everyone involved in your thoughts.  It is an extremely trying time.  There are no words.  Sadness and grief but no words.  The most important thing to remember is that the true victim to this awful disease is Levi.  The rest of us are all affected in various ways but he is the one who is truly suffering.  I am trying with all my might to live in the moment, make the best decisions possible with the information I have, and keep my mind open to whatever the outcome in the next few months will be.

We leave for NJH next week.  I am in full-on panic mode with all that needs to be done.  Alorah, thankfully, has stayed stable since her last burst and we have not had to go to the hospital or repeat oral steroids.  Thank goodness for small blessings.

I have to get back to writing my first college paper in over a decade so this is a short one.  Overall I miss my innocence and naivety.  I think anyone dealing with a person who has a severe mental illness would agree.  Life will never again be anywhere close to how it was.  Starting over in every sense of the phrase.  Trial by fire.

11 years in the blink of an eye

 This beautiful young lady made me the luckiest Mama in the whole world.  6 pounds 10oz and 19" of pure love.  I was 20 (she was conceived 6 weeks after my 20th birthday) and had a horrible pregnancy with her.  When she was placed on my chest and I fell in complete and utter love with her I remember saying "I can't wait to do this again!"  She is such a blessing.  

 How 11 years have gone by astounds me.  My baby is a tween, and boy are those hormones starting to roll on in.  WOW!  I have been a little shocked to see her explode at her siblings, she is so calm most of the time. The claws come out every now and then now.  Teen years are going to be somethin' else! 

 A wonderful woman asked if we wanted her to snap a pic!  I said absolutely!  Unfortunately the shirt I am wearing makes me look pregnant (which would be quite literally impossible) and it was unflattering so I cropped.  I own it.  I'm vain. 

 We painted pottery at a wonderful local art place.  SO much fun.  It is pricey but with big kids who will remember the experience and thoroughly enjoy it I think it is a fantastic birthday treat!  (I didn't 'hawk" Vance's hair today) We all painted :D  I will share as soon as we get them back from being fired!

 She picked two dolphins (a mom and baby) riding a wave.

After Art Attack my dad and Di took Faith to pick out a cowgirl hat (one of her birthday wishes...along with cash) and then we met back up at Jason's Deli for dinner (yummmmmmmmmmmm).  We wrapped up the day with a stop at Grandma Judy's, she had a big box of new clothes for the girls.  My Mom is taking her to the book store tomorrow for some one-on-one time <3  She is one loved kiddo, for sure!  She also got to talk to her Dad twice.  He is still in the hospital and he wrote her a special birthday note which Papa Wes and Grandma Judy brought by.  

The days are long, the years are short.

Hold those babies tight!!!!

Sigh

Last night Alorah and I were cuddled up on the couch watching The Wonder Years.  She was hopped up on nebs (from the smoke engulfing our city every night) and in need of some Mommy time, which I am almost always up for.  She looked at me during a commercial and said "Mom, we should have a 4 year old running around.  I wonder what she would be like."

Almost 5 years later and Alorah is the one that remembers.  She knows the importance of a white butterfly.  She knows I am still sad.  She talks about her sister more than anyone.  She was 4 1/2 when I lost Reese and I don't know how she grasps so much.

I didn't cry, the grief hits me much differently these days.  Still unpredictable.  Still just as painful.  Sharp as a knife, deeper than I can express.  There is solace and peace and grief, somehow they have all molded into one.

Maybe tomorrow...maybe not

I may do a delayed "Memory Monday"....

I got Alorah's itinerary for NJH.
Reality is smacking me in the face....
so many blood draws, allergy testing, bronchial provocation, "minimally invasive" bronchoscopy, CT scans, sleep study, a fluoroscopic UGI study, and so much more.

I have no idea how to even begin to prepare her.   I have tried to convey that there will be a lot of needles, there will be a LOT of needles.  More needles than I imagined.

It is a lot to digest.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like writing.
I am going to go hug my kiddo, the bravest kid I know.

Hard and fast

Last night I was online, on facebook specifically, while the kids were reading and having a calm evening after a full day of fun.  Suddenly I started seeing status updates about smoke and fire.  I went outside and could not see the Sandia's, there was thick smoke everywhere and a haze over our entire neighborhood.  I ran back into the house to shut off the swamp cooler, close the windows, and check Alorah.  Alorah's pulse-ox was low.  88% and her pulse was high (low oxygen+high heart rate is a good sign of respiratory distress).  I had her do her peak flow and it confirmed that she needed intervention.  She did a neb and got up to 92% (her pulse always goes up with albuterol so it is not noteworthy after a neb, unless it got over 250 or something crazy).  I got a hold of her pediatrician for advice.  My instincts said to start steroids but I hate starting them and I don't do it lightly...however I also know how fast Alorah can go from 'stable' to NOT stable.  He said to absolutely start them so I put her on them and I also put her on Vospire (an oral form of albuterol).  She needed a neb at 3am and another one at 10am, she has two doses of steroids on board so hopefully they take over soon and we can go back to once/day nebs.  She is bouncing off the walls and we are stuck inside with no air conditioning.  I hope this smoke clears out soon, it is not nearly as thick as it was yesterday but there is a definite haze.  I am so thankful that we were not outdoors when it rolled in, I do not even want to think about how she would have reacted to breathing it in directly (versus what came in through the swamp cooler, which wasn't much-I could not even smell it in the house).  I have never seen anything like that in my life.  The smoke was so thick, kind of a grim reaper vibe to it.  Yuck!
Here are some guidelines from the American Lung Association.
Most of all common sense!
My throat is sore and my eyes stung right after I went outside to see what was going on, but that is nothing compared to what forest fire smoke can do to an asthmatic, someone with allergies, and people with cardiac problems (as well as small kiddos and elderly).

We made it 9 weeks without steroids.
That's a long time for Alorah these days.

Splish-Splash

 Rach watched 2/3 of my kids today so I could go to class.  Afterward we took our 6 kiddos to Splash Park.  They had a bl-ast-eroni.  Seriously, they just loved every minute of it.  They are all wiped out this evening.  Ahhh.  I love when kids are exhausted from sunshine, water, and friends!

Faith is alllllll legs.  She is built like a runner.  

 He totally posed this one.  Stinker.  He has to wear a rash guard top in the sun, he is so fare he literally burns to a crisp.  Believe it or not he has my hair, more red than blonde.  

 Lost in thought?  Or something? (p.s the girls swimsuits are Liberty of London.  I LOVE them.  Faith's didn't fit last year..I bought them in '09....and I was tickled that her bottoms don't fall straight down this year.  Yay!  

 BFF's and T-R-O-U-B-L-E (esp when you add Max into the mix!  I am so bummed I didn't get a pic of all three of them.)

 Seeeeeeeeeeesters

 Priceless Alorah face.  

 He was telling her off for something.  Don't ask me.

 taking a lil rest

 Vance, mischievous?  Neva!

my long legged, long torso, little lady.  Seriously, the P kids are built for sports.  Lucky ducks.

(I am so ticked that I did not get any pics of Addison OR Max.  We go back next week, I'll get some then!)

Countdown!

In 11 days my baby...the amazing little person that made me a Mom and changed my world forever.  This child that has taught me so much and has so much love for animals and art.  She is going to be 11 in 11 days.

Eleven.

My head can barely wrap itself around this fact, nor that life is flying by faster than I am prepared for.  11 is a slippery slope to being a t...t...teeee....teenager.

Sigh.

We leave for National Jewish.
Soon.
My stomach and heart are in knots.  We will not get to Denver until eleven o'clock at night and be in the hospital at seven am the next day.  I will get to go to my first biomedical ethics class, which is great, but the cost is having to drive until very late at night.
There is so much to do before we leave.  There is so much riding on this trip.  Getting everyone ready to go where they will go is enough to drive a girl crazy.  Toby needs her booster shots.  I need to pack Faith and Vance up.  I have to pack Alorah and I.  Not to mention there are papers to write for school, homework, reading, etc.

It is never boring.

I really long for boring sometimes...

Levi has been back in the hospital for almost a week.
It breaks my heart but I have set boundaries.
I am sticking with them.  Thankful for a good therapist, wonderful family, and great friends.
Most of all I am focusing on protecting my children.  Their hearts, minds, souls, and spirits.  They are at these tender ages where those things must be protected.  They know...very clearly...without any unnecessary details.  They also know without question that he loves them.  He does.  They are all faring much better this time.  They are such strong, sweet, amazing, compassionate, lovely people.  I am truly blessed.

To learn more about Schizoaffective Disorder please read this site.  Read each part, carefully.  I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  I cannot imagine this world, my heart aches for everyone that suffers from it.   My first priority is my children.  They must come first.  I also have to protect my own mental health and wellbeing.  The tightrope is so thin.  The challenges are enormous.

Memory Monday

 Some things I miss

Some things I don't

 baby wearing <3  14 mths, Vance was fast asleep under there.

 getting smacked in the face by a baby.  Nothing sweeter!

 nursing toddlers.  yes, nursing a newborn is awesome, but nursing tots instantly fixes ANYthing that is possibly wrong with them.  Makes life a whole lot easier!

Back when Vance played dolls with his sister :p

 spending summers poolside!  Those days are long gone.  Man, we loved 'em though!

fuzzi bunz.  Cloth diapers.  Oh, I loved pulling cloth dipes out of the drier and folding them all back up.  It was awesome.  Yes he is nursing in this pic, too.  It is one of the few I have of clothe diapering.  I really think CD'ing is why he potty learned all by himself before 2 1/2.  

Ahhh, I loved all of the above.

I now love sleeping in (even if they get up at 6am)

playing legos

some board games (okay people, I hated Candy Land.  I admit it)

puzzles

long walks with Toby

talks that have substance and show off their understanding

learning how smart my kids are

childhood.

                                                                   childhood is magic.

Memorial Day

Watch this tribute, it is beautiful and moving.  

I come from a very long line of military servicemen and woman.  My Mom served until 2002, my Dad was in the Air Force for four years, both of my Uncle's, my Grandpa's, the list of family and friends is amazing.  My Step-Father-in-law served as a Colonel in the Army until very recently.  

Thank-you for your service.  I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

My biggest and my littlest are hair-rebels!!!!!!!

 Her hair was long, and she had sworn she wanted to grow it out.  Until today when she decided she did not want to grow it out. She looked at the books, picked out a cut, and insisted on it. 

 I have always been of the opinion that my kids can do whatever they want to their hair.  It is theirs.  Changing it up, dying it, and chopping it every now and then does not in any way harm them so have at it!  

 This is the aftermath!  All that hair!

 There you have it.  She aged 2 years in 20 minutes.  My almost 11 yr old now looks almost 11.  She LOVES it.  So do I, and my oh my she looks just like ME at 11!!!  I see so much of myself in her now.  She has amazing layers and body!

 Vance's before.  I didn't get a good front shot.  Oh well.  He has thick hair, it is coarse and a lot like mine.  He has been begging for a mohawk.  We looked through google images yesterday and he knew exactly what he wanted!

 He was positively GIDDY the whole time she was buzzing his hair off.  As it came together his smile got bigger and bigger.  PURE JOY.  That is priceless.

 He is rockin' it.  Rock on son.  Rock ON!

 Alorah HATES getting her hair cut.  She freaks out when I trim it up at home.  Her ends were fried and looked awful.  She NEEDED it trimmed.  I convinced her that they would not take very much.  She was near tears the whole time she was in the chair.

 After!  So healthy and happy and now she can grow it out even more!  She wants it as long as she can get it. It is extraordinarily healthy.  The LOOKS I got when I brought up that I make my own shampoo and that they could not use anything with sulfates..ha...the lady thought I was NUTS.  They wet their hair and shook their heads.  I stuck to my guns.  No shampoo people.  NO shampoo!

There Mom, I did it!  Are you happy now?!
YES, and proud.  She actually likes it.

Afterward we went to the zoo and then to my Dad's for a lovely BBQ (where they got to eat real cheeseburgers).  Vance said it was his best day EVER.