hey , im being positive!

hmmm, unfortunately, frens is the only thing i can become with her... finally, she spilled it out...

she got someone already... i know i wont be fine with it, and i know i surely need a damn long time to recover from knowing that, but....

everything was happy... and it all ended quite quickly... her parents asked me to go for dinner with them on monday.... not to say im not gentleman or not sporting enough but, shud i go? if i go, it will make the situation more complicated.... but her parents insisted.... i guess i have to go...

she resigned from that horrid job... luckily....

if she would just say, im sorry louee, i made the wrong choice and i wan you back, everything will be forgiven no matter how the situation is... i cant approve and accept she got another bf... but if thats what she wants, then let it be ba..=)

im smiling with tears rolling down.... now the book of us, only me trying to write something to fill up that book... i guess i have to close the book....

i was heartbroken to know that she have to walk to work, to ease that i chose to approve to let that guy fetch her... but never knew that something so....... fucked up would happen...

i wan her back, she is the reason i thought of the future, thought of raising 2 kids.... and becoming rich just to bring her go everywhere she dont have the chance to go.... she is the reason im motivated to study.... but i cant let this thing affect me... although now i dont have the mood... soon! give me 1 week tops..... i will crawl out from this love trap... this consider to be my first love as i did not get hurt this badly..... 4 days, no mood to eat no mood to sleep....

if people ask me, why dun u let go? i ask u back, would u let go tat easily? if can so fast let go, that isnt called love! dumb!

but i hope, he would be able to make u smile whenever... as i did.... u got my wish.... but also curse.... its like a dr.jekyl and mr hyde thingy.... haha...

i dun wanna be emo....

sometimes love comes around, and they knock you down but just get back up when they knock you down...=)

hope everything will turn out fine...

till next time... louee outside bitches!!!!!!!!!!!

recovering state...

emo'ed for like few days..... never eat never sleep properly.... i guess i have to give in to this thing la..

why i have been like this? everyone said cheh..... treat u like tat, for wat u sad? for wat u cry?

its not tat simple with her... me and her, we got this similar attitudes... we been through many things... 1 year 4 months... but i told u guys already. 9 months i spent with her, onli fetching her to school, fetching her back, calling her on saturday and sunday... slowly build our relationship...

i this few days, was so desperate till i even surf the web and check out "how to get ur ex back"..

there are tons of ways... but it all dont seem to make sense..

i dont know la... but girls change heart so quickly.. there is some isi tersirat de la..

i juz hope tat after few months, i wont see her status "in a relationship with xxx".... but i cant do anything about it though...i know she wanted alot of attention, because last time when she was young, she was not tat pretty... i juz hope she don do anything tat will make her dun respect herself... damn!

i chose to ask her back is because i know that deep down she still loves me... judging by the way she talked to me... some might say, im thinking too much, some might say im lying to myself.. but for me... im the one who has been with her and understand her for that 1 year 4 months... i know how the way she talks.... and portrays..

since we broke up, i tried calling her reminding her that dun make the wrong decision.. after we broke up, i did not tell her that her boss scolded her a devil... and scolded her and blamed her that since she came in to that shop to work, everyone was affected ....

so thats why, i chose to help her... to settle everything and at least b4 i really left, she can work and mix with her so called "fren" happily... i have been doing all the work behind... helping her...

but she scolded me, and she dun even realise... oh well...

i texted her the last time saying that " i respect u, so i chose to chase u back. and i think ur smart enough to know that who really loves u"... i dun noe this msg will give her any feelings la.. but...

i guess, if no.. then all i can do.. is to move on.....

she said im the mr right for her, she said she wont find another guy, she said if she breaks with me, she say i can do anything bad to her.. this is how convinced i am when we were together... and that is the reason why i put so much effort....

but i never knew that she would break up with me... never knew that, everything was goin very well, and she juz... snapped....

i cant hope for anything... i onli prayed... praying for an impossible miracle.... sad story... she's the one that i really wanted to be with..... but turns out.. im not the one for her.... even though she said that i am the so called mr.right....

watever la... its a very sad ending..... but she happy with it and feel no regret or sad, then.... let it la...

my chinese new year..

i made a list of wat to do when i m goin back on 28th.... now it all been thrown into the garbage...

all the list consist of bringing her to jogoya, goin to full house.. bringing her back to my hometown...

i never bring any girl back to my hometown b4.. i mean my grandpa house.. i never knew....

i never got the chance.. but also consider lucky la.. cos if i bring then broke up also not good la..

oh well... im sad enough d la.. no point in crying... choices are made, hearts are broken... all will be in good hands...=)

no worries... hehe...

im stupid cos im still hoping for some miracle to happen... for someone to come back...

but i guess... impossible.... oh well...

i wont go clubbing, i wont go drink beer juz to ease my pain.. cos doing all these are excuses... i can cope with the current situation... i can do it...

chinese new year, not goin anywhere... 2011... i guess its not a good year after all since my popo said somethin will happen....]

found this song ... wow.. alot of song can relate.. haha...=)

I believe that in time my heart will heal again
And i believe that in time my heart will feel again
So i keep on holding on (yeah)
So i keep on being strong (yeah)

Cos i know one day i'm gonna feel again
I know one day i'm gonna feel again
And i know although my heart hurts now
I'll find a way to get up off the ground
Cos i know one day i'm gonna feel again

I believe that this heart of mine can make it through
And i believe that my heart can make it over you
So i keep on holding on (yeah)
So i keep on being strong (yeah)

Cos i know one day i'm gonna feel again
I know one day i'm gonna feel again
And i know although my heart hurts now
I'll find a way to get up off the ground
Cos i know one day i'm gonna feel again

And though it's hard for me to breathe
And even harder to believe
I know that one day i'm gonna find
I'm gonna be just fine

typical women....

可能我就一开始已经错了。。

当我一知道事实后，整个世界开始变暗。。

知道她根本对你绝情，还给她骂回，原来我发现自己是这么傻傻的还爱着她。

我真的以为，她就是我的唯一，我的下半辈的伴戀了。。。

没想到，事情太突然，就要离开。。

在她心，我已经不存在。。其实，我有预了这天会来。。。只是没想到那么快。。

自从她做这工，她慢慢对我淡了。。谈话也没什么谈到，骗话一天比一天更多。。

是我错，我不该管她。。她还小。。她需要自由。。可是，当她说分手，她根本没有当过一回事，做工时没有伤心。。这已经让我觉得她，根本不需要我了。。

有时，我会很生气，为何突然恋爱到好好，一下360度转。。。完全没有爱，她还答了我“没有爱你，做么还要给你机会呢？” 很好。

我应该算kena够够力。。因为真的很痛。。。

但是要谢谢我朋友。。他们会和我说“既然你对她那么好，她不懂得珍惜，还要那么叛逆，那你慢慢放吧。。” 不要想那么多了。。

可是，我心依然还是那么爱她。。但是，她应该不会懂吧。。

就算我再大声喊我爱你吴雪恩，你几靠近我，你也没有听到。。

给她说我小孩。。对啊。。我是啊。。但是为了你我才变到将。。因为我没有你了，我都不是我自己了。。因为有你，我才会成熟因为我需要照顾你。。。

我会慢慢放弃。。我就算现在真的真的很爱，但我还是会慢慢放弃。。

因为你已经不是我爱的吴雪恩了。。这首歌真的很适合我的心情。。

Easy come Easy go
That's just how you live oh
Take take take it all
But you never give,
Should of known you were trouble
From the first kiss had your eyes wide open,
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.

To give me all your love is all I ever asked cause
What you don't understand,
Is id catch a grenade for ya.
Throw my hand on the blade for ya,
Id jump in front of a train for ya.
You know I'd do anything for ya.
Ohhh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes I would die for ya baby,
But you won't do the same.

你也不会为我而改。。现在我只能希望我所说的一切是错的。。我不想看到她拖别人的手。。吻别人的嘴。。嗨。。可是。。放弃吧如易。。。

这次我会逼自己不要再找你了。。由时间证明一切。。希望你能看到我写什么。。。

因为你跌倒，给人伤，我还是依然的会扶你起来。。。因为真正爱个人，就是这样。

bye charmaine

to all readers, pls! im not seeking attention or seeking pityness from anyone.. i wrote it juz because i want to find a way to let it all out... if not i would be crying away till tomorrow... ok....

2011.. what i get? i cant believe it... it came too fast... everything was normal until she broke up with me... wow.. she's the reason i smiled, she's the reason my life was perfect..she made everything right when im feeling down... i always kacau her when she look at guys... she was the reason i still continue living on.. juz to see tomorrow and to hear her voice.. but when she said ‘我觉得我不爱你’... thats the hardest part to accept..but i asked her to think properly... hopefully... i dun need to delete all the pics of me and her in fb... and change the status... but... dam! fuckin sad right now! kampar is so damn hot, but my legs and hands are shivering.. i felt cold... i felt somethin has gone missing.... can i delete this part of me? because it certainly made me cried....lookin at the clothes that i kept and i sniffed it and hug it every night, looking at the watch tat i bought juz for me and her and cos she looked cute wearing it, looking at the pics that we took, i smiled... because there is a reason for me to ask her not to leave... but she, like nothin happened.. still smiling away, like this problem doesnt exist... mom was right.. she said that once she stepped into outside world, she will realise freedom, but she cant handle it...suddenly, i feel like everything starts to fall apart... worst part is, she dun even have a lil guilty or even sad.... good job louee...

ok, i got the answer... and wow... she answered it as if it was meant to be... as if doing this is all so correct....

today, 4:47pm 21 januari 2011, i lost someone... someone that i was always close to.. someone that i always took care of... someone that i always scolded when she tend to do somethin wrong... someone i put time, effort, sweat, everything.... onto her... 19/9/09... is our first day together.. ups and downs, its like a roller-coaster ride... but it all ends well....its hard enough to find someone that u can chat whole day without hanging up the phone, its hard enough to find someone whose attitude is so damn similar with u... but i guess no fate gets me all the time...

letting you go, is hard... but the answer u gave, when i answered ur call, u without hesitation directly said" ya i made up my mind and i dun love you.... break"... the feeling...is far more worst than knowing u got a 0.1 de cgpa... cmon....

at least u shud give it a last chance.. just for the sake of us... breaking up should be a guy's job.. but why cant i always say break up? there's a reason.... because i always find new reasons to love you... its like, u wore new contact lens... u changed ur outfit, u wore new shoes, new bags, new hair... or ur attitude when talking to me is somehow cute... or maybe when u walk i shud juz carry u instead of letting you walk... this are all the reason.... but then, why cant u get the feeling back? am i that bad? am i a douche bag?

exactly 1 year 4 months and 21 days... it has been a blast.... after letting you get ur freedom, letting you go work....

i knew that it was a disaster since the beginning.... i never should have let you work there.... u tend to misunderstand the meaning of love... thats why u thought u dun love me.... but thats ok... whats done is done... i cant beg anymore even though just now i did begged u and cried like some girls watching justin bieber's concerts...

its not a happy semester for me... knowing that everywhere i go, its about u.. everywhere i eat, its the place that i fed u with my spoon.. life was perfect when i had you... nothin would go wrong and every night i would ask u the same question," u love me ma??" u would answer yes la yes la stupid...

i asked this just for the sake of letting me gettin a goodnight sleep... letting me know that i am happi for tomorrow's coming just to hear your voice again...

i guess, it was just not meant to be... the harder i try in a relationship, the bigger and deeper the fall is... its depressing... and its hurting me so damn bad...

last but not least, i hope ur happi... i hope u can find a guy that can take over my place... but i bet... its hard.. i set the bar quite high.. even though now u dun have any regrets, but sooner, u will realise who loves u, and who really cares bout u... its all past tense now... what i say, also cant repair anything...

damn it,... first time being so fucked up emo.....

wow.. 2011... she broke up with me...

hands shaking from insomnia

mind thinking juz to find a reason to ask her not to leave.

but i cant believe she said "不如我们分手吧"

i asked her, when did u realise u dun love me? she answered, last night...

one day it took to made things from bad to worst...

i honestly say, i have a lot of gf's... ALOT! but she's the one... she's the one that is keeping me alive, she's the one that made me whole...

from what seem to be a minor problem, became worst... i am really sad....

i told her, dun leave, but she stuttered and muted.. and all she can say is "我都已经不爱你了"

every night, before going to sleep, i always asked her.. “你还爱我吗？”

she always answered “爱啦傻佬”

my mom was right... she is always right...

my mom saw her, her first reaction, she said to me ‘这女子桃花运很不定’。。

but the stubborn me, scolded my mom... because i beg to differ... as indeed i love her very much...

but, juz one night, not even one day.. she can realize she dun love me anymore...

all the things i done, all the stuffs i gave, all the time and sweat juz to see a few more minutes of her... all went into a drain... the sun is burning hot outside, but i feel cold, the walls are caving in... as if there is no place to move already.. i felt a sudden loneliness... a sudden development of hatred...

i shouldnt kept her locked up in a cage, as she wanted freedom.. but when she lied, i never knew she would lie to me that bad...

looking at her clothes on my bed as i use to sniff it and hug it every night, looking at the watch that i bought for me and her... looking at all our pics with her grin on her face.. that made me smile...

that gave me a reason to love... im crying.. for the second time...

its always the same reason "你对我太好了，我觉得自己很不好所以才分”...

even if i managed to ask her come back to me, but im sure we aint the same anymore...

my heart is aching... i never knew this day would come this fast.... i never knew i treated her so good, 101% of care... she would say i treat her too good and she feels bad...

i am in kampar, i cant directly go back kl just to see her... i dun have a car... nor money now... all i can do... is wait...

if this relationship cant be saved... i swear i wont ever find a girl that is smaller than me... even one year also i wont... i will find a same age de girl... at least they are mature enough...

cigarettes, beers, it all dont matter to me... i wont smoke or drink to ease it... but i will just stare at the phone, waiting for her to call me... hoping to get an answer...

girls always has been the same... no matter how much they love you, no matter how much they care... juz a click, it doesnt need few months, it doesnt need few years... juz one day or a few minutes is enough to change her mind.... letting her go, is hard enough.. but askin to get back together but being rejected numerous times... thats the worst... but..... i still have to say

goodbye charmaine... our chapter ends here..

ur the best.... cos u always managed to put a smile on my face....

now, i need to start smiling on my own...

till next time.....

seriously outside.....

back to a new sem AGAIN!

okok. its been awhile since i had blogged... well, first, its cos of the stupid internet.. slower and slower.. how can i blog if i cant even post a picture without waiting for 20 minutes?

and ya, its cos of her... since she started to work at that stupid health check job.. everything starts to falls apart.. from a smiling, happi, joyful, cheerful type of her, she changed to a more quiet, talking in a more relax, cool way like im nothin... dun know why she will changed, hmm....

not to say im a so called small gas type of person, but when a person has a lil bit of hunch or sixth sense, somethin bad is bout to happen.. for the past few weeks, i argued with her, advice her, told her not to do this do that, everything just went into the drain... and at last i get? haha... her god damn boss... like her..

and the worst part is, she still doesnt see the real picture... even after her boss lied to her saying that he is juz joking.. come on... juz because of this i said not to stay near to him not to treat him so nice, ur mad at me? mad at me because im giving u advice?

mayb she juz haven grew up yet, mayb she isnt mature enuff... cant think thoroughly...

im trying so hard to pull this relationship back to the way it was... but, sometimes, i feel like its worthless... its like im loving my ownself.. haha!!

mom is right, mom is always right... at school is puppy love, but when a girl starts to go out to face the society, thats the biggest challenge... thats the part that u will see the true side of the girl.. but for me, im giving up finding another person.. i juz hope, she might wake up from being like this and starts to be a better gf... i juz hope.....

nah! there's no hope in life.... everything happens because people makes it happen...

for some reason, i blogged this so that i could release some stress some anger that i cant let out....

its 5:45, yet she dun even need her lunch break... wow.. i really dun understand... from 10 till 6? its about 9 hours.... can a person stand without eating tat long?

oh well, im not gonna waste anymore time thinkin wat to write and whats not... everything happens for a reason... let it be...

till next time, i guessed...

LOUEE OUTSIDE BITCH!