MY opinion,so don't bother judging me cause I'm not going to care.
Ever since the O Level results came out and also since people began going to new schools/college, a few questions or problems have arise from people I know . "I feel lost',"Where is God?","I can't trust God" and I even read someone saying "I don't see what God can do for me, I got 8A's without even being a good Christian,all on my own"
First to anyone who have the same feelings as the last person, how wrong can you be. I don't care how smart, popular, "awesome", rich you are, Luke 9:25 says "For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses his soul?" I hope you do realize fame,popularity,grades and richness are temporal, when you die and you WILL trust me God is NOT going to look at any of those, bloody hell his not going to look at your O/A level results to see whether you can enter heaven. I believe His going to ask two questions,"Do you know me?" and "Who did you bring with you?" What do I mean? Why should He allow you to go to heaven when you are a Christian but CHOOSE not to know him? And why should He let you enter Heaven when you don't share your faith with others? Anyone who is NOT a missionary is a IMPOSTOR. We are suppose to evangelize the world. Not close with him, don't think going to Church is important? Don't care about the sacraments? Reject God/Jesus in front of others? Matthew 10:33 says "but whoever denies Me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven." Yes Jesus said that Himself. Don't care about the Sacrament of Reconciliation or don't want to forgive anyone? Remember this three verses then, Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death" please take note that "sin" is singular,so 1 sin and you CAN BE condemn to HELL FOREVER, Matthew 18:35 "My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart." and my favorite, Revelation 20:15 "If anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire." all those 3 verses that I've mention are all link together.
Since the remaining questions can be summarize into trusting God or and direction which is basically link together I'll mix them both here. Life is filled with many difficulties and challenges that cause us to worry. Each day we are confronted with many events that may cause us to become apprehensive.What is worry? The dictionary says that when we worry, we torment ourselves with disturbing thoughts. The solution can be found in the Gospel last Sunday.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin." - Matthew 6:24-34
In times of troubles and even during times of happiness we must always pray without ceasing this is according to 1 Thessalonians 5:17. Why? Prayer is a form of communication between you and God, tell Him how you feel, if your angry with Him tell him that, if your disappointed with him, tell Him that, He knows how we truly feel but respect our privacy until we tell Him ourselves, so why lie in the first place? Just be honest with Him. Yes it IS a struggle to pray everyday daily especially when your current problem or worry is not getting any better, everyone struggles it is human nature.
But you see prayer is a two way communication, you talk to God and He talks to you in return. Now the you talking to God is easy but the latter not so. It is one of the greatest challenges that we encounter, our inability to see and to listen to God. We can be caught up in the distractions of daily life that prevent us from really encountering God. However, without a serious spiritual life, anxiety and fear will overwhelm us.
So how do we listen to God? Contemplative prayer, daily Mass or a prolonged visit before the Blessed Sacrament, daily Rosary and the frequent use of the Sacrament of Confession.It is difficult to be alone in our contemporary society. Even when we are alone, the noise of our own worries and fears drown out the silence of God's voice. We all need moments of solitude. Spending a quiet time before the Eucharist, reading the Scriptures during a peaceful moment at home, daily prayer and of course if you want to fulfill the "Pray without ceasing" part there is the Liturgy of the Hours or also known as the Divine Office.
It is true God helps those who helps themselves and don't worry about results and situations..Do your best and leave the results up to God. Well whoever reads this I HOPE that you, in one way or another found some useful things and those who are going through a tough time, my prayers are with you.
"God, we lift up to you our problems, out anxieties, our anger, jealously and worries up to you O Lord, we do not ask that you lessen it but only give us the strength to handle them,the right way. We ask something in your ability to understand, to forgive and to be patient even though it is hard we pray for faith too. Give us peace of hearts as well as peace of mind. Be there for us O God not only during the sad times but also the good times because anything without You is nothing. All these we ask through your son Jesus Christ who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.Amen"
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived. - Margaret Mitchell
It's time to face the truth and stop being in denial. It hurts more than it should and more than I thought it would. You know what it's like to actually NEED someone? I need her in my life. If i'm being honest, if I can't be her guy then I don't want to settle for anything less however I don't want her to go either. She said we would be friends,best friend, to how we were before or something along those lines. Far from the truth.
"You" might need me in your life, "You" might even still love me but you don't care about me. No matter how bad my anger issues is, how easily I get jealous, how often I swear, how short I am, the fact that I can't speak Chinese fluently or get exceptional grades..I know at the very least I deserve someone who cares about me... So no we're not the way we once were..I can't get my motivation back, everything is going downhill. I can't keep breaking down or keep losing my temper or keep telling people "I'm not in the mood" just because I remember something about "us" about you or when I see your tweets and how happy you are without me in or the fact that you don't bother to talk,chat or tweet with me first and it seems like you don't cherish those good times we had together not only when we were together but before that when we are actually best friends? Maybe you never did had a good time with me, won't surprise me one bit.I'd be lying if I said you going to another school doesn't scare me cause it does right down to my core. Your gonna meet new people and if you hadn't already, then will replace me with someone way much better. If you think I'd do the same,watch me prove you wrong.
Well the very least you could do is remember my name.At least.
Friday, September 03, 2010
No One Is Going Fucking Read This Anyway So Might As Well Let Everything Out Here.
"how can I miss you this time when I've been missing you all along?"
Why the fuck do I feel so emotional today? As far as I know guys do not have PMS nor can get pregnant.So why the mood swings? Damn psyched yet nervous for the trip to Pace Bane but at the same time I'm questioning whether I'm in the proper state to lead my group ; Fortitude. Obviously this is a crucial retreat and I must remember this is NOT for me but for the confirmandis.
I know why,but I do not WANT to face the truth. Once I face the truth surely I must do something about it. The thing is I do not want to do anything. Its fucking weird, the insecurity I'm feeling ensures me that I'm very much in love with her. It makes me happy to know I'm hurting soo bad cause I'm loving her..say what? That's how fuck up it is. I miss those things couples do like walk together, hold hands and so on but I love her like,pure. I ain't asking for hugs,kisses or whatever all I want is a sincere walk with each other during dismissal. Its funny how one puny thing can mean soo much to a person.
Am I being too needy?Possibly.Sometimes we don't talk nor message each other for couple of days. Seriously even if we do message or talk I still miss her after that what more if we don't talk or message? Deep down I know and she know she rather be with her friends than me, I will reiterate once again how much worth I am when I can't even keep a conversation,make her happy or laugh.
Am I going to make my feelings known to her, no.I will stick with my golden rule..
"If she's happy nothing else really matters...."
"how can I miss you this time when I've been missing you all along?"
Why the fuck do I feel so emotional today? As far as I know guys do not have PMS nor can get pregnant.So why the mood swings? Damn psyched yet nervous for the trip to Pace Bane but at the same time I'm questioning whether I'm in the proper state to lead my group ; Fortitude. Obviously this is a crucial retreat and I must remember this is NOT for me but for the confirmandis.
I know why,but I do not WANT to face the truth. Once I face the truth surely I must do something about it. The thing is I do not want to do anything. Its fucking weird, the insecurity I'm feeling ensures me that I'm very much in love with her. It makes me happy to know I'm hurting soo bad cause I'm loving her..say what? That's how fuck up it is. I miss those things couples do like walk together, hold hands and so on but I love her like,pure. I ain't asking for hugs,kisses or whatever all I want is a sincere walk with each other during dismissal. Its funny how one puny thing can mean soo much to a person.
Am I being too needy?Possibly.Sometimes we don't talk nor message each other for couple of days. Seriously even if we do message or talk I still miss her after that what more if we don't talk or message? Deep down I know and she know she rather be with her friends than me, I will reiterate once again how much worth I am when I can't even keep a conversation,make her happy or laugh.
Am I going to make my feelings known to her, no.I will stick with my golden rule..
"If she's happy nothing else really matters...."
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I'm SAD,EXHAUSTED and somewhat HUNGRY but...I feel inspired and motivated so I suggest you take this opportunity to read about my experiences so far and learn from it. I might not be the smartest but I can guaran-DAMN-tee you I'm more wiser than people think.
1. Things not going your way? Take courage and hold your head up high.
Some people describe life as a roller coaster ride one minute you can be in heaven and next minute you can be in living hell. We all face disappointments in our life there's no two way about it. The question is how do you react when going through tough times. The wise will seek comfort in close friends while the fool will keep it to his/herself and let it grow inside. I'm the latter one I must admit but with time I realize I'm not doing myself any good. I get angry easily,paranoid,insecure and even to the point where I eat and sleep continuously to escape reality but then I realize when I sleep i would either have nightmares or wake up sweating crazily
That's when I seek my friend for advice and comfort. Isn't that what friends are for? To pick you up when your down,to tell you your wrong when your wrong,to back you up even though you did the most stupidest thing in the entire world? We'll I'm lucky to have friends who would do that to me,heck one of them would scream at me like crazy in school just to get into my thick brain.
But I would like to tell you sometimes when we are face with problems and our friends can't help us, it is not that they don't want to but because its beyond their control and they don't know what to do and thats when we need a higher power.Yes,I'm talking about god the best companion and listener you could ever have.The BEST thing is his LITERALLY there 24/7 and he doesn't mind if you scream or shout your frustration and PLUS he will help and guide you if you ask nicely. Take courage and put your trust in god and I'm pretty sure he will take care of you regardless how hurt or fuck up the situation is.
2. Time heals everything.....NO IT DOESN'T!!!! ACTION DOES.
I use this example many times and I will use it again. A patient with cancer goes to a doctor,you think the doctor will say "hey its fine time will heal your cancer". In my opinion time doesn't heal anything but rather the things you do within the period will determine whether your moving forward,backward or staying put. Yes when something bad happens to you its tough picking yourself up but no one and I seriously do mean NO ONE says you had to deal with it on your own. You have the option to call your friends when you need them. I tell you solemnly if your friends don't help you in one way or another they are NOT....NOT your true friends.
3. Forgive and forget - the most shittiest thing I have heard in my life....so far.
Forgiving people is not an option it is ESSENTIAL.Forget? Complete and utter bullshit. We must accept that whatever happened,happened. That is the only way we can truly move on. Everytime I don't want to forgive someone because they hurt me like crazy I always remind myself "God forgave me for things that were inexcusable,why cant I?". Forgiving means letting go of your rights to hurt a person for hurting you in the first place. I'm pretty sure we are call to forgive one another REGARDLESS of whatever the person did to us.Sure it might take awhile but we must.I hate to forgive people especially when they really did hurt me and show no sign of remorse but I rather have a clean conscience when I die. Whether that person feels sorry well I'll leave the judgment to god. Let me remind you that when a person hurt you,you have NO BLOODY RIGHT to hurt the person back. What to do? Be the bigger man/woman and refuse to fight back let bygones be bygones as hard as it seem.God will deal with him/her with justice and in his own way.If face with threats that are life threatening talk to an adult you can trust.
I'm not asking you to 100% agree with me this is what I learn so far.Hopefully this can be of good used to someone if I can touch even 1 person it has been worth it.
Alister Nathaniel Tieng.
1. Things not going your way? Take courage and hold your head up high.
Some people describe life as a roller coaster ride one minute you can be in heaven and next minute you can be in living hell. We all face disappointments in our life there's no two way about it. The question is how do you react when going through tough times. The wise will seek comfort in close friends while the fool will keep it to his/herself and let it grow inside. I'm the latter one I must admit but with time I realize I'm not doing myself any good. I get angry easily,paranoid,insecure and even to the point where I eat and sleep continuously to escape reality but then I realize when I sleep i would either have nightmares or wake up sweating crazily
That's when I seek my friend for advice and comfort. Isn't that what friends are for? To pick you up when your down,to tell you your wrong when your wrong,to back you up even though you did the most stupidest thing in the entire world? We'll I'm lucky to have friends who would do that to me,heck one of them would scream at me like crazy in school just to get into my thick brain.
But I would like to tell you sometimes when we are face with problems and our friends can't help us, it is not that they don't want to but because its beyond their control and they don't know what to do and thats when we need a higher power.Yes,I'm talking about god the best companion and listener you could ever have.The BEST thing is his LITERALLY there 24/7 and he doesn't mind if you scream or shout your frustration and PLUS he will help and guide you if you ask nicely. Take courage and put your trust in god and I'm pretty sure he will take care of you regardless how hurt or fuck up the situation is.
2. Time heals everything.....NO IT DOESN'T!!!! ACTION DOES.
I use this example many times and I will use it again. A patient with cancer goes to a doctor,you think the doctor will say "hey its fine time will heal your cancer". In my opinion time doesn't heal anything but rather the things you do within the period will determine whether your moving forward,backward or staying put. Yes when something bad happens to you its tough picking yourself up but no one and I seriously do mean NO ONE says you had to deal with it on your own. You have the option to call your friends when you need them. I tell you solemnly if your friends don't help you in one way or another they are NOT....NOT your true friends.
3. Forgive and forget - the most shittiest thing I have heard in my life....so far.
Forgiving people is not an option it is ESSENTIAL.Forget? Complete and utter bullshit. We must accept that whatever happened,happened. That is the only way we can truly move on. Everytime I don't want to forgive someone because they hurt me like crazy I always remind myself "God forgave me for things that were inexcusable,why cant I?". Forgiving means letting go of your rights to hurt a person for hurting you in the first place. I'm pretty sure we are call to forgive one another REGARDLESS of whatever the person did to us.Sure it might take awhile but we must.I hate to forgive people especially when they really did hurt me and show no sign of remorse but I rather have a clean conscience when I die. Whether that person feels sorry well I'll leave the judgment to god. Let me remind you that when a person hurt you,you have NO BLOODY RIGHT to hurt the person back. What to do? Be the bigger man/woman and refuse to fight back let bygones be bygones as hard as it seem.God will deal with him/her with justice and in his own way.If face with threats that are life threatening talk to an adult you can trust.
I'm not asking you to 100% agree with me this is what I learn so far.Hopefully this can be of good used to someone if I can touch even 1 person it has been worth it.
Alister Nathaniel Tieng.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
A Twisted End To A Suppose To Be Happily Ever After.
With the advance of technology nowadays I keep praying that a time machine will be soon built. I can't stand waking up each morning knowing that she pack everything up so quickly and left me without saying anything. Am I angry with her? Heck no,there's no point in doing so. She's happy and well good for her that is what I always wanted anyway. Sometimes its just frustrating no one is there when I need them. I'm tired of getting taken advantage of. I'm fine with helping people and I never expect something in return but sometimes a lil' help once in a while would be appreciated.
Nevertheless to me, this is just not the way its suppose to be. I thought after writing a very very truthful letter to her I expected some progress with our friendship but turned out it just made it worse. I find myself looking through photos of her. Why? I don't know. Does it hurt? More than anyone could imagine. I'm trying my best to do whatever it takes to get rid of the pain but not by painkillers are smoking like I did before but sometimes...those two things are like the only things that can keep me going. She moved on while I'm still grieving. While I'm wide awake she has no trouble sleeping. I'm still in love while she left.
Now I'm just trying to make sense of what is left. There isn't a shadow of doubt that its my fault. It always had been and always will be. Saying sorry won't be enough to her back. All the money in world could not buy her forgiveness. A shithead like me don't deserve such person. Despite all that no one and I seriously mean it NO ONE can deny the fact that I love her cause I do. True love causes the deepest pain. She's happy thats all that matters. Whether I die from overdosing with painkillers I don't really care. I leave knowing she's happy.
Sometimes I wonder.... "Eloi Eloi Lema Sabachthani?"
With the advance of technology nowadays I keep praying that a time machine will be soon built. I can't stand waking up each morning knowing that she pack everything up so quickly and left me without saying anything. Am I angry with her? Heck no,there's no point in doing so. She's happy and well good for her that is what I always wanted anyway. Sometimes its just frustrating no one is there when I need them. I'm tired of getting taken advantage of. I'm fine with helping people and I never expect something in return but sometimes a lil' help once in a while would be appreciated.
Nevertheless to me, this is just not the way its suppose to be. I thought after writing a very very truthful letter to her I expected some progress with our friendship but turned out it just made it worse. I find myself looking through photos of her. Why? I don't know. Does it hurt? More than anyone could imagine. I'm trying my best to do whatever it takes to get rid of the pain but not by painkillers are smoking like I did before but sometimes...those two things are like the only things that can keep me going. She moved on while I'm still grieving. While I'm wide awake she has no trouble sleeping. I'm still in love while she left.
Now I'm just trying to make sense of what is left. There isn't a shadow of doubt that its my fault. It always had been and always will be. Saying sorry won't be enough to her back. All the money in world could not buy her forgiveness. A shithead like me don't deserve such person. Despite all that no one and I seriously mean it NO ONE can deny the fact that I love her cause I do. True love causes the deepest pain. She's happy thats all that matters. Whether I die from overdosing with painkillers I don't really care. I leave knowing she's happy.
Sometimes I wonder.... "Eloi Eloi Lema Sabachthani?"
Monday, June 08, 2009
* NOT MINE *
Sometimes I'm simple minded
Then I can't read your look
All my thoughts are binded
I'm like an opened book
In which you read the story
Of a bleeding soul
I am so sorry
Each time I lose control
I should suppress my rage
In need you beside me
Don't you leave the stage
I need you to guide me
I know you'll be my saviour
If I repeat my fault
You put me on my best behaviour
You hear my call
Please hold out
I regret
All the nasty words I said
I can feel you getting colder
Please don't doubt
That I regret
All the days I left you sad
Can't you see me getting older
I know I hurt your feelings
But you had the strength
To start my healing
You went all length
The days of crying
Have reached the end
'cause now I'm trying
To understand
Please hold out...
Exactly what I want to say to you...if I have the guts..
Sometimes I'm simple minded
Then I can't read your look
All my thoughts are binded
I'm like an opened book
In which you read the story
Of a bleeding soul
I am so sorry
Each time I lose control
I should suppress my rage
In need you beside me
Don't you leave the stage
I need you to guide me
I know you'll be my saviour
If I repeat my fault
You put me on my best behaviour
You hear my call
Please hold out
I regret
All the nasty words I said
I can feel you getting colder
Please don't doubt
That I regret
All the days I left you sad
Can't you see me getting older
I know I hurt your feelings
But you had the strength
To start my healing
You went all length
The days of crying
Have reached the end
'cause now I'm trying
To understand
Please hold out...
Exactly what I want to say to you...if I have the guts..
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Another special Post *NOTHING relating to my previous post as stated.
On the way back from school today, I realize that everytime I can't see her I'll be worrying about her. I could be worry about the silliest things to anything major. On the way back home I saw a car that she used to go home but different license plate obviously I sorta-remember the plate license of the cars she use ANYWAY I don't know how it crept it but I was worried if something went wrong while she was on her way back home. I mean seriously I don't want it to happen but what IF. Gosh I'm telling the truth when I say I was worried.
Then I started being phucking paranoid and stupid. Now I started worrying about her in general. What if she is sick? Sleepy? Angry? Sad? But then it popped in my head that I ain't exactly what she need if she feel sick,sleepy,angry or sad. I am probably the last person on her list after what I've done. As usual I don't think I can come to term with what I've done to her heck I'm even considering going to confessions later on. I just want forgiveness and the guilt to go away.
The truth to the matter is I really do care about her. So I wanna take this time to be perfectly honest, cause ther's alot of shit that I keep bottled that hurts deep inside of my soul. This guilt on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold and this guilt is like the weight of the world and i think my neck is breaking so should I just give up, or try to live up to these expectations now look, I love her more than life in it self but I got a anger problem thats determined to make my life living hell.
" what i`ve Done
I've faced myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done"
On the way back from school today, I realize that everytime I can't see her I'll be worrying about her. I could be worry about the silliest things to anything major. On the way back home I saw a car that she used to go home but different license plate obviously I sorta-remember the plate license of the cars she use ANYWAY I don't know how it crept it but I was worried if something went wrong while she was on her way back home. I mean seriously I don't want it to happen but what IF. Gosh I'm telling the truth when I say I was worried.
Then I started being phucking paranoid and stupid. Now I started worrying about her in general. What if she is sick? Sleepy? Angry? Sad? But then it popped in my head that I ain't exactly what she need if she feel sick,sleepy,angry or sad. I am probably the last person on her list after what I've done. As usual I don't think I can come to term with what I've done to her heck I'm even considering going to confessions later on. I just want forgiveness and the guilt to go away.
The truth to the matter is I really do care about her. So I wanna take this time to be perfectly honest, cause ther's alot of shit that I keep bottled that hurts deep inside of my soul. This guilt on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold and this guilt is like the weight of the world and i think my neck is breaking so should I just give up, or try to live up to these expectations now look, I love her more than life in it self but I got a anger problem thats determined to make my life living hell.
" what i`ve Done
I've faced myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done"
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Special Post - I decided to let my feelings go after contemplating for 3 hours tonight.
I've been defeated and brought down, dropped to my knees when hope ran out, the time has come to change my ways. On this day I see clearly everything has come to life,a bitter place and a broken dream and I'll leave it all, leave it all behind. I'm supposed to be the person who never blows his composure, even though I feel like the weight of the whole world on my shoulders.
Migraine creeps in anytime of the day thats when I'm reminded of my wrong doings. Why? I refuse to take my medication for my migraine leaving me with pain, I guess its my way of repentance towards the things I've done. Migraine means difficulty in sleeping,studying,exercising, well basically anything I do. Do I care about the pain? Nope. Why? Because everyone says I deserve worse for the things I've done recently. Well be my guess and torture me for I couldn't care less heck give me H1N1 I'd probably refuse treatment. Now, Don't get confuse here I ain't doing anything wrong as far as I'm concern. I don't want to go back to my pills addiction so I refuse to take anything that takes my pain away.
Dealing with the guilt until now isn't easy. Heck this is probably the biggest task I have ever have to deal with. My heart feels like a thousand razors is being push over and over again inside my heart. I can't blame anyone else since this is completely my fault and I can't release any sort of anger so yeah I have to deal with my pain silently. Yes, I punch walls regularly but its the only way to deflect the pain from my heart to pain somewhere else. I don't think it'll be long until I break my right hand. I will NOT talk to anyone about anything else. Everything I mention here is the only thing I will let out, so don't bother asking me to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it cause everytime I do someone get hurts or some will say I think of myself only so there you go I won't say anything for the wellbeing of myself and others.
I see things everyday that hurt me that I cannot escape in school,church and so on but I purposely look at photos of things that hurt me at home. Why? I've been labeled the "Living Devil" unofficially so yeah pain makes me feel more human in a way. I know I can't erase the past, trust me if I could I would erase my existence. Painkillers, alcohol, cutting and smoking are all out of my life that I can assure you and plus I have not talk to a single person about my feelings hence I'm dealing with it alone. I don't know how to deal with, I honestly don't. Sighing is basically all I can do to soften the pain temporarily. I haven't cried which means all the pain is still inside gradually growing each day. I haven't actually talk to anyone because I don't want to seek help, why? Simple, I don't deserve anyone's help if I'm going to improve my life then I'm going to do it alone. If I fail, I fail alone.
This pain is "unbearably bearable". Like I said I'm not going to tell everything. Anything that is in my post will be the ONLY thing I will say unless I decide to post again. I don't know the full extend of depression on one's life but I would like to think a breakdown is one of the signs cause I'm very close to experiencing once again it wouldn't be my fault if I had a breakdown. No one get hurts but me alone so fair enough cause I'm pretty sick of getting people hurt so this time NO ONE will get hurt by me, my anger or anything else. Only Me. Plus I'm not doing any physical harm on myself and its out of my control what happens emotionally and mentally, my body and brain decides what happen when I can no longer sustain stress + sleepless nights + pain + fatigue = ???? the result? I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens to me.
I've been defeated and brought down, dropped to my knees when hope ran out, the time has come to change my ways. On this day I see clearly everything has come to life,a bitter place and a broken dream and I'll leave it all, leave it all behind. I'm supposed to be the person who never blows his composure, even though I feel like the weight of the whole world on my shoulders.
Migraine creeps in anytime of the day thats when I'm reminded of my wrong doings. Why? I refuse to take my medication for my migraine leaving me with pain, I guess its my way of repentance towards the things I've done. Migraine means difficulty in sleeping,studying,exercising, well basically anything I do. Do I care about the pain? Nope. Why? Because everyone says I deserve worse for the things I've done recently. Well be my guess and torture me for I couldn't care less heck give me H1N1 I'd probably refuse treatment. Now, Don't get confuse here I ain't doing anything wrong as far as I'm concern. I don't want to go back to my pills addiction so I refuse to take anything that takes my pain away.
Dealing with the guilt until now isn't easy. Heck this is probably the biggest task I have ever have to deal with. My heart feels like a thousand razors is being push over and over again inside my heart. I can't blame anyone else since this is completely my fault and I can't release any sort of anger so yeah I have to deal with my pain silently. Yes, I punch walls regularly but its the only way to deflect the pain from my heart to pain somewhere else. I don't think it'll be long until I break my right hand. I will NOT talk to anyone about anything else. Everything I mention here is the only thing I will let out, so don't bother asking me to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it cause everytime I do someone get hurts or some will say I think of myself only so there you go I won't say anything for the wellbeing of myself and others.
I see things everyday that hurt me that I cannot escape in school,church and so on but I purposely look at photos of things that hurt me at home. Why? I've been labeled the "Living Devil" unofficially so yeah pain makes me feel more human in a way. I know I can't erase the past, trust me if I could I would erase my existence. Painkillers, alcohol, cutting and smoking are all out of my life that I can assure you and plus I have not talk to a single person about my feelings hence I'm dealing with it alone. I don't know how to deal with, I honestly don't. Sighing is basically all I can do to soften the pain temporarily. I haven't cried which means all the pain is still inside gradually growing each day. I haven't actually talk to anyone because I don't want to seek help, why? Simple, I don't deserve anyone's help if I'm going to improve my life then I'm going to do it alone. If I fail, I fail alone.
This pain is "unbearably bearable". Like I said I'm not going to tell everything. Anything that is in my post will be the ONLY thing I will say unless I decide to post again. I don't know the full extend of depression on one's life but I would like to think a breakdown is one of the signs cause I'm very close to experiencing once again it wouldn't be my fault if I had a breakdown. No one get hurts but me alone so fair enough cause I'm pretty sick of getting people hurt so this time NO ONE will get hurt by me, my anger or anything else. Only Me. Plus I'm not doing any physical harm on myself and its out of my control what happens emotionally and mentally, my body and brain decides what happen when I can no longer sustain stress + sleepless nights + pain + fatigue = ???? the result? I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens to me.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Wake up each morning,she pops into my head.Half way through a test instead of thinking about the answer,I find myself thinking about her.When scoring a goal in football,I thank her for being my inspiration.At night,while reflecting my life so far,I hug my pillow wishing it was her because the truth is I'm not strong at all.You might call me a psycho but I'd rather call myself a person whose deeply in love with someone else.
The sad thing is the more you love a person the more you criticize yourself from the smallest mistakes to the biggest and stupidest mistakes you ever did.The worse part is sometimes you question if that person feels the same way as you do.Now thats the problem.Which is more scary,not to know what that person really feels about you or knowing what that person really feels about you? I mean lets be honest if that person feels the same way you do,thats great but (A) what if that person doesn't feel the same was as you do?Now that hurts bloody much.But then again (B) not knowing also can cause insecurity.You may find yourself confuse,at one point you can say that person feels the same way you do but then on other days you say to yourself that the person doesn't feel the same way you do and you still end up getting hurt.I guess either way you'll get hurt at some extend in situation (A) and (B).
Leaving It In Other Hands.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do,nothing. Whatever happens,happens. I'm not going to open my mouth and start saying crap but instead I'm going to do absolutely nothing. Why you might ask? Cause every time I try, I end up failing miserably or I mess up. Other time I get myself hurt or paranoid to the point I feel like there's no point in fighting. I'll only respond/cooperate when ask to do so.What I'm going to do in the meantime? Easy,take my swiss knife and start stabbing things.
Why?
Its a good way to release all my anger inside, I can hurt myself by accident, I like to destroy things and finally I got nothing better to do.
The second thing on my agenda is to find my lost/miss place painkillers. If I lost it then I have to find an alternative.
Why? I thought your giving up your bad habits?
Well sorry buddy I'm in pain both physically and emotionally.If by any chance you find a cure for both my pain do share. I mean I'm not doing anything against my promise. If I get hurt accidentally cause of my swiss knife well not my fault, I mean after all it is a accident. Painkillers, it would be wrong to not stop the pain when there is a way. I mean hurting oneself intentionally is a sin. So I am stopping the pain.Gosh I'm such a genius.
What?! What happen?! I thought you changed?!
Well, life is such a bitch. One moment you feel like everything will go your way and change for the better when suddenly you do something but turn out it wasn't the result you wanted.So thats what happened! I CANT SLEEP AND THE PAIN IS VERY UNBEARABLE !!!
But look at the bright side, my anger is still not in control.
WAIT HOW CAN THIS BE A GOOD THING ?!
-Easy, I release my anger by telling people how I really feel towards something. If they can't take it well,Good luck.But don't worry none of you people will ever come near the pain I am feeling right now and even if you did your out of it.
Maybe you should turn to god and religion ?!
- I got 2 words to reply to that...FUCK THAT.
The sad thing is the more you love a person the more you criticize yourself from the smallest mistakes to the biggest and stupidest mistakes you ever did.The worse part is sometimes you question if that person feels the same way as you do.Now thats the problem.Which is more scary,not to know what that person really feels about you or knowing what that person really feels about you? I mean lets be honest if that person feels the same way you do,thats great but (A) what if that person doesn't feel the same was as you do?Now that hurts bloody much.But then again (B) not knowing also can cause insecurity.You may find yourself confuse,at one point you can say that person feels the same way you do but then on other days you say to yourself that the person doesn't feel the same way you do and you still end up getting hurt.I guess either way you'll get hurt at some extend in situation (A) and (B).
Leaving It In Other Hands.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do,nothing. Whatever happens,happens. I'm not going to open my mouth and start saying crap but instead I'm going to do absolutely nothing. Why you might ask? Cause every time I try, I end up failing miserably or I mess up. Other time I get myself hurt or paranoid to the point I feel like there's no point in fighting. I'll only respond/cooperate when ask to do so.What I'm going to do in the meantime? Easy,take my swiss knife and start stabbing things.
Why?
Its a good way to release all my anger inside, I can hurt myself by accident, I like to destroy things and finally I got nothing better to do.
The second thing on my agenda is to find my lost/miss place painkillers. If I lost it then I have to find an alternative.
Why? I thought your giving up your bad habits?
Well sorry buddy I'm in pain both physically and emotionally.If by any chance you find a cure for both my pain do share. I mean I'm not doing anything against my promise. If I get hurt accidentally cause of my swiss knife well not my fault, I mean after all it is a accident. Painkillers, it would be wrong to not stop the pain when there is a way. I mean hurting oneself intentionally is a sin. So I am stopping the pain.Gosh I'm such a genius.
What?! What happen?! I thought you changed?!
Well, life is such a bitch. One moment you feel like everything will go your way and change for the better when suddenly you do something but turn out it wasn't the result you wanted.So thats what happened! I CANT SLEEP AND THE PAIN IS VERY UNBEARABLE !!!
But look at the bright side, my anger is still not in control.
WAIT HOW CAN THIS BE A GOOD THING ?!
-Easy, I release my anger by telling people how I really feel towards something. If they can't take it well,Good luck.But don't worry none of you people will ever come near the pain I am feeling right now and even if you did your out of it.
Maybe you should turn to god and religion ?!
- I got 2 words to reply to that...FUCK THAT.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
"Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly" Albert Hubbard
I've done a lot of things recently, but nothing that I should be proud off. Pills,alcohol to smoking to eventually doing everything. I guess everything has its consequence sooner or later. I put my pride first.God, that was one of the worse things I have ever done. I basically scripted my own downfall. I hurt the only person who have or should I sad HAD hope on me. Well I don't think I can ever forgive myself,god might but I will never forgive myself.
A lot of things is going through my mind. Top of my list is suicide. Maybe if I'm gone this pain will go away. I can't stand at the fact I hurt the person I love the most. Seeing her cry broke my heart. To make it even worse I am the one who cause it. Everyone might have forgiven me but cannot accept my actions because I'm not like this.
It keeps getting more and more difficult as each second pass by. Its comes to a point when I feel like screaming up to the heavens and asking what is my purpose. I'm doing horribly in my studies, my football ain't doing so great and what do I have left? Guilt. I can't look her in the face , heck I can't even chat with her cause everything involving her hurts bloody much. But hey I deserve all things bad for everything that I have done. There's just things that time will never erase.
She got good friends and all are better suited to protect her. She doesn't need a fuck up drug addict like me. She deserves better.I don't care what happens to me from now on. My heart aches and I can't take it. I promise I wont take any pills to handle the pain. But I want to clear something up because there's a lot of shit that hurts deep down into my soul, I CARE about her I really do and I do REGRET my actions but sometimes you have to let go of someone to show that person how much you love them. I cant do any good for her. I never have. I am being haunted with the guilt and it really hurts..
If death will help solve things,I'm willing to do it. I'll do anything for you.Forget me if you wish but remember my name the very least. I'm very sorry...I hope the pain I'm feeling will grow stronger and stronger,I deserve all the pain that is possible to feel by man..
I've done a lot of things recently, but nothing that I should be proud off. Pills,alcohol to smoking to eventually doing everything. I guess everything has its consequence sooner or later. I put my pride first.God, that was one of the worse things I have ever done. I basically scripted my own downfall. I hurt the only person who have or should I sad HAD hope on me. Well I don't think I can ever forgive myself,god might but I will never forgive myself.
A lot of things is going through my mind. Top of my list is suicide. Maybe if I'm gone this pain will go away. I can't stand at the fact I hurt the person I love the most. Seeing her cry broke my heart. To make it even worse I am the one who cause it. Everyone might have forgiven me but cannot accept my actions because I'm not like this.
It keeps getting more and more difficult as each second pass by. Its comes to a point when I feel like screaming up to the heavens and asking what is my purpose. I'm doing horribly in my studies, my football ain't doing so great and what do I have left? Guilt. I can't look her in the face , heck I can't even chat with her cause everything involving her hurts bloody much. But hey I deserve all things bad for everything that I have done. There's just things that time will never erase.
She got good friends and all are better suited to protect her. She doesn't need a fuck up drug addict like me. She deserves better.I don't care what happens to me from now on. My heart aches and I can't take it. I promise I wont take any pills to handle the pain. But I want to clear something up because there's a lot of shit that hurts deep down into my soul, I CARE about her I really do and I do REGRET my actions but sometimes you have to let go of someone to show that person how much you love them. I cant do any good for her. I never have. I am being haunted with the guilt and it really hurts..
If death will help solve things,I'm willing to do it. I'll do anything for you.Forget me if you wish but remember my name the very least. I'm very sorry...I hope the pain I'm feeling will grow stronger and stronger,I deserve all the pain that is possible to feel by man..
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Anton Chekhov once said "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out."
I am just the same.I can live with a crisis because I know I can solve at one point, but day to day living has taken its toll on me. if hugs cure everything trust me I wouldn't be in the state I'm in. I'm sick of being everybody's good friend. Its always been that way nothing more. It sucks because everyone seems to take advantage of it, they only come to you when they need something and they know you will always be there because your just their good friend. They know you will be there for whatever they need. Well I'm tired of being everyone's bestfriend,I want to be something more than that. Its pissing the living crap out of me. its good to be good friends with some people but sometimes well you just want to be more to someone.
My bestfriend or are we still bestfriend.Only she can answer that. Everyday I need to find a reason to stay optimistic that she does care but like everything,reasons will start to run out and when I finally can't find a reason to believe that she thinks of me every now and then,or care about me even if it's a bit, then that's the day I stop believing that things can change no matter the odds and that's the day I know she has forsaken me.
38 days since we last spoken or communicate. Now even though we didn't say anything or are arguing, this is definitely not what I call peace.How can it be good knowing that there is an odd silence.It is calm but it is not calm to the heart.Peace is when your heart feels calm and this odd silence is not making my heart feel at ease.
Why is this happening? Maybe its because I'm short.Maybe its because I'm not one of her people.Maybe its because I'm boring.Maybe its because I'm a boy.Maybe its because I'm weird.Maybe because its all of the above and more.Or maybe somethings just does not need a reason to happen.A word can mean alot to a person.Sometimes a word is really all it takes to change a person all around. Sometimes a word can mean the difference between life and death. Sometimes a word can mean a thousand words. Sometimes a word can give hope. Sometimes a word can destroy a person. A single word can do wonders but it can cause chaos if not used properly.
People sometimes leave and they don't come back. They never knew a single word or a smile could change someone's whole view of life.I miss my bestfriend but this time its time for her to fight for me because all this while I've been fighting to keep her with me maybe its time for me to wait and if she doesn't then god bless me for I have no idea what lies ahead.
"I miss you like you never knew..."
I am just the same.I can live with a crisis because I know I can solve at one point, but day to day living has taken its toll on me. if hugs cure everything trust me I wouldn't be in the state I'm in. I'm sick of being everybody's good friend. Its always been that way nothing more. It sucks because everyone seems to take advantage of it, they only come to you when they need something and they know you will always be there because your just their good friend. They know you will be there for whatever they need. Well I'm tired of being everyone's bestfriend,I want to be something more than that. Its pissing the living crap out of me. its good to be good friends with some people but sometimes well you just want to be more to someone.
My bestfriend or are we still bestfriend.Only she can answer that. Everyday I need to find a reason to stay optimistic that she does care but like everything,reasons will start to run out and when I finally can't find a reason to believe that she thinks of me every now and then,or care about me even if it's a bit, then that's the day I stop believing that things can change no matter the odds and that's the day I know she has forsaken me.
38 days since we last spoken or communicate. Now even though we didn't say anything or are arguing, this is definitely not what I call peace.How can it be good knowing that there is an odd silence.It is calm but it is not calm to the heart.Peace is when your heart feels calm and this odd silence is not making my heart feel at ease.
Why is this happening? Maybe its because I'm short.Maybe its because I'm not one of her people.Maybe its because I'm boring.Maybe its because I'm a boy.Maybe its because I'm weird.Maybe because its all of the above and more.Or maybe somethings just does not need a reason to happen.A word can mean alot to a person.Sometimes a word is really all it takes to change a person all around. Sometimes a word can mean the difference between life and death. Sometimes a word can mean a thousand words. Sometimes a word can give hope. Sometimes a word can destroy a person. A single word can do wonders but it can cause chaos if not used properly.
People sometimes leave and they don't come back. They never knew a single word or a smile could change someone's whole view of life.I miss my bestfriend but this time its time for her to fight for me because all this while I've been fighting to keep her with me maybe its time for me to wait and if she doesn't then god bless me for I have no idea what lies ahead.
"I miss you like you never knew..."
Saturday, March 07, 2009
=/
I said I wonder when it'll be my day
'Cause I'm not too far from breaking down
All I've got are screams inside
But somehow they come out in a smile
And I'm wondering if I'll always feel this way, this way
Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long way home
But baby you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, yeah me
One day you're gonna see things my way
You gave me so much room that I can't breathe
When all I've got are pictures to view
It was nothing before and I started with you
For some reason it's supposed to be that way, that way
Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long way home
But baby you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, yeah me
If I could shrink it down and put it in your hands
We made it hurt so much, I can't forget the past
Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I could forgive me and I would forgive you
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long road home
But baby you will never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me
You know will always be me, and I will wait
Always be me, til I see you smiling...
I said I wonder when it'll be my day
'Cause I'm not too far from breaking down
All I've got are screams inside
But somehow they come out in a smile
And I'm wondering if I'll always feel this way, this way
Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long way home
But baby you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, yeah me
One day you're gonna see things my way
You gave me so much room that I can't breathe
When all I've got are pictures to view
It was nothing before and I started with you
For some reason it's supposed to be that way, that way
Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long way home
But baby you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, yeah me
If I could shrink it down and put it in your hands
We made it hurt so much, I can't forget the past
Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I could forgive me and I would forgive you
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long road home
But baby you will never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me
You know will always be me, and I will wait
Always be me, til I see you smiling...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The Smile On Her Face Let Me Know She Doesn't Need Me
This will be continued later.Just Some Insights of what this post will contain.
This will be continued later.Just Some Insights of what this post will contain.
- My feelings towards her
- Losing faith in keeping our friendship alive
- My thoughts on how much she needs me
- My feelings on how much I need her
- Time to move on?
- And a bit on Eddie as promised xD
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
But dreams don't come easy you've gotta believe me
I have NOT regain my motivation nor inspiration anymore and fuck up part is I need those things and my teachers are putting me in 2 well lets say semi-major competitions.On one hand it would definitely stamp my authority then I AM capable of winning stuffs but on the other hand where the fuck am I suppose to work hard when I don't see any benefit towards me.And no getting a medal or certificate doesn't mean a shit to me.
"Wonderful" things have happened to me with my motivation and inspiration gone I fail most of my test and barely pass in English seriously.Well thats what happen when I seriously don't give a fuck about my life.I mean why should I? I seriously have nothing to aim for.All I get is shit so why bother working.Either shit or I always get hurt.
Valentine?Well still single and lost all hope on asking her.She's just well too good for me.With me going back to smoking,seriously she deserves better.Me smoking again!?YES,I am so what?Life is pretty much useless.I told you people before that I will do things if no such miracle happen soon.Seriously you can't blame me for smoking again.Its not my fault that no one is helping me in my time of need and I ain't getting much guidance from above,not that I'm complaining but still.
My self confidence is seriously down.With my grades and all It's not helping one bit.With valentine coming its just making it worse.Sighs..will update later on.
I have NOT regain my motivation nor inspiration anymore and fuck up part is I need those things and my teachers are putting me in 2 well lets say semi-major competitions.On one hand it would definitely stamp my authority then I AM capable of winning stuffs but on the other hand where the fuck am I suppose to work hard when I don't see any benefit towards me.And no getting a medal or certificate doesn't mean a shit to me.
"Wonderful" things have happened to me with my motivation and inspiration gone I fail most of my test and barely pass in English seriously.Well thats what happen when I seriously don't give a fuck about my life.I mean why should I? I seriously have nothing to aim for.All I get is shit so why bother working.Either shit or I always get hurt.
Valentine?Well still single and lost all hope on asking her.She's just well too good for me.With me going back to smoking,seriously she deserves better.Me smoking again!?YES,I am so what?Life is pretty much useless.I told you people before that I will do things if no such miracle happen soon.Seriously you can't blame me for smoking again.Its not my fault that no one is helping me in my time of need and I ain't getting much guidance from above,not that I'm complaining but still.
My self confidence is seriously down.With my grades and all It's not helping one bit.With valentine coming its just making it worse.Sighs..will update later on.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Didn't Come Out The Way It Was Suppose To...
I'm such an idiot seriously.Chatted with her yesterday but I end up making a stupid wrong move.I told her how much I hate valentine and so so.Shit seriously.Yes I haven't have a nice valentine but i really wanted her to be my valentine this year but instead of asking her I blew everything right up.After I blast valentine in our conver there's no way she would accept me.Plus even if I ask her she then knows I still have feelings for her because I said something like "I'll only ask a person if I have true feelings for her".Shit shit fuck seriously...sighs..
She's the only one I want for valentine if not I rather be single on valentines.Well not much to update on,will update as things develop and stuffs.
From me..
Your the only one I want.I really really love you.I'm sorry I could never entertain you,I just go absolutely blank when I'm chatting with you or when I'm with you.Everytime I see you I just get frozen and I start doing something stupid or say something stupid,even my mood turn fuck up.I'm not scared of getting beat up or getting shouted at,I'm scared of you.Whether I hurt you,whether you get angry at me for my stupid doings,yes its true.I love you..sorry once again...
I'm such an idiot seriously.Chatted with her yesterday but I end up making a stupid wrong move.I told her how much I hate valentine and so so.Shit seriously.Yes I haven't have a nice valentine but i really wanted her to be my valentine this year but instead of asking her I blew everything right up.After I blast valentine in our conver there's no way she would accept me.Plus even if I ask her she then knows I still have feelings for her because I said something like "I'll only ask a person if I have true feelings for her".Shit shit fuck seriously...sighs..
She's the only one I want for valentine if not I rather be single on valentines.Well not much to update on,will update as things develop and stuffs.
From me..
Your the only one I want.I really really love you.I'm sorry I could never entertain you,I just go absolutely blank when I'm chatting with you or when I'm with you.Everytime I see you I just get frozen and I start doing something stupid or say something stupid,even my mood turn fuck up.I'm not scared of getting beat up or getting shouted at,I'm scared of you.Whether I hurt you,whether you get angry at me for my stupid doings,yes its true.I love you..sorry once again...
Friday, February 06, 2009
February 6th will forever be circled on the calendars of everyone connected with Manchester United.
Roger Byrne (28), Eddie Colman (21), Mark Jones (24), David Pegg (22), Tommy Taylor (26), Geoff Bent (25), Liam Whelan (22) and Duncan Edwards (21) all died, along with club secretary Walter Crickmer, trainer Tom Curry and coach Bert Whalley.
On that day in 1958, the darkest day in United's history, 23 people - including eight players and three members of the club's staff - suffered fatal injuries in the Munich air crash.
Flying back from a European Cup tie against Red Star Belgrade, the team plane stopped in Germany to refuel. The first two attempts to take off from Munich airport were aborted; following a third attempt, the plane crashed.
Twenty-two of the people on board died instantly, while Duncan Edwards - one of the eight victims from the team - died 15 days later as a result of the injuries he sustained.
The tragedy is an indelible part of United's history, as is Sir Matt Busby overcoming his injuries to build another great team which won the European Cup 10 years later.
Eight journalists died - Alf Clarke, Tom Jackson, Don Davies, George Fellows, Archie Ledbrook, Eric Thompson, Henry Rose, and Frank Swift who was a former Manchester City player. Plane captain Ken Rayment perished, as did Sir Matt's friend Willie Sanitof. Travel agent Bela Miklos and passenger Tom Cable also died.
We will never forget.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
The one who Loves You The Most.
Here we are in the best years of our lives but I don't know where I'm going.All I've been doing nowadays is sleep.But even after that I still feel tired.Since I can't take it anymore I'm gonna just write all those fuck up things bothering the living shit outta me.
My seatmate Eddie seriously is making me lose faith.he keeps saying that she likes someone else and has a valentine.Damn it seriously.I couldn't concentrate during my maths test and I can 100% guarantee confirm that I will fail that test.I can't even look her in the face,just hurts really badly.Everytime we pass by each other I practically need to hold my nerves and continue walking,cause if I just turn back it'll probably look like I'm avoiding her which I'm not but seriously what can I do,It just hurts really badly. I could've broken down in class when Eddie said that and should have but I have no idea why I didn't.Its like god is giving me this power to stay conscious and feel the pain which I can't bear.
Seriously not in the mood,will update soon...
Here we are in the best years of our lives but I don't know where I'm going.All I've been doing nowadays is sleep.But even after that I still feel tired.Since I can't take it anymore I'm gonna just write all those fuck up things bothering the living shit outta me.
My seatmate Eddie seriously is making me lose faith.he keeps saying that she likes someone else and has a valentine.Damn it seriously.I couldn't concentrate during my maths test and I can 100% guarantee confirm that I will fail that test.I can't even look her in the face,just hurts really badly.Everytime we pass by each other I practically need to hold my nerves and continue walking,cause if I just turn back it'll probably look like I'm avoiding her which I'm not but seriously what can I do,It just hurts really badly. I could've broken down in class when Eddie said that and should have but I have no idea why I didn't.Its like god is giving me this power to stay conscious and feel the pain which I can't bear.
Seriously not in the mood,will update soon...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Doctor Doctor Tell Me How To Shake It Off.
How to shake off the pessimism?No idea,all I know I'm a pro in finding whats the negative part of something or someone,even myself.Well I'm gonna change this post and talk about mostly good things..(I HOPE).
Anyway your probably wondering "what the fuck are you doing this late when tomorrow is a school day?!?!" Well I just finished doing a 15 maths question homework even though I didn't go to school,see how hardworking I am.Hope most of my answers are correct though.And secondly i watched a 5 hours 14 minutes battle in tennis between Rafael Nadal and Fernando Verdasco.Seriously it was a nail bitting,pure quality match.Even though it went down the fifth set each shot each movement was fantastic,PURE QUALITY.But World No1 Nadal nicked it in the end after five hours and 14 minutes of epic tennis.Nadal overcame Verdasco 6-7 6-4 7-6 6-7 6-4 at the Rod Laver Arena. I got to say Fernando Verdasco deserves alot of credit and if not deserves to be in the final though I have no idea how will it be played if it was a Nadal Vs Federer Vs Verdasco I mean its tennis not wrestling xD.
Anyway so the match finished around 10.30 pm then I had to copy down my homework through msn(THANKS MIZ) and finish around 12 If I'm not mistaken then I studied for the computer test chapter 1-3 and finish at 12.30 (I studied some before the tennis match) and from then onwards I listen to music to cool down me headache.
Anyway I wont be talking about "her" in this post maybe next time.But all I want to say is I love her soo much and just keeps getting stronger and stronger.
From me
I'm really sorry if loving you is pissing you off or and annoying...Your just amazing,pretty,smart,understanding and the only person that brightens up my day without any shadow of doubt...sorry..
Once again,no idea if you will ever read this but just incase I'm really sorry..
Anyway here are somethings you can look at
http://www.stumbleupon.com/
http://lifehacker.com/
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Main_Page
http://www.coolsiteoftheday.com/mc/index.html
Take care everybody untill then.
How to shake off the pessimism?No idea,all I know I'm a pro in finding whats the negative part of something or someone,even myself.Well I'm gonna change this post and talk about mostly good things..(I HOPE).
Anyway your probably wondering "what the fuck are you doing this late when tomorrow is a school day?!?!" Well I just finished doing a 15 maths question homework even though I didn't go to school,see how hardworking I am.Hope most of my answers are correct though.And secondly i watched a 5 hours 14 minutes battle in tennis between Rafael Nadal and Fernando Verdasco.Seriously it was a nail bitting,pure quality match.Even though it went down the fifth set each shot each movement was fantastic,PURE QUALITY.But World No1 Nadal nicked it in the end after five hours and 14 minutes of epic tennis.Nadal overcame Verdasco 6-7 6-4 7-6 6-7 6-4 at the Rod Laver Arena. I got to say Fernando Verdasco deserves alot of credit and if not deserves to be in the final though I have no idea how will it be played if it was a Nadal Vs Federer Vs Verdasco I mean its tennis not wrestling xD.
Anyway so the match finished around 10.30 pm then I had to copy down my homework through msn(THANKS MIZ) and finish around 12 If I'm not mistaken then I studied for the computer test chapter 1-3 and finish at 12.30 (I studied some before the tennis match) and from then onwards I listen to music to cool down me headache.
Anyway I wont be talking about "her" in this post maybe next time.But all I want to say is I love her soo much and just keeps getting stronger and stronger.
From me
I'm really sorry if loving you is pissing you off or and annoying...Your just amazing,pretty,smart,understanding and the only person that brightens up my day without any shadow of doubt...sorry..
Once again,no idea if you will ever read this but just incase I'm really sorry..
Anyway here are somethings you can look at
http://www.stumbleupon.com/
http://lifehacker.com/
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Main_Page
http://www.coolsiteoftheday.com/mc/index.html
Take care everybody untill then.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Ill Be Waiting With The Lights On...
I chose not to go to school today because well the weather is probably the best way to describe how I'm feeling [Gloomy?sad?unpredictable?]. Woke up around 2-ish due to heavy thunder and rain and I think I probably playing with faith as I have no idea why i was using the comp with the window open next to me.The thunder resembles how I feel inside,angry at my ownself for some reason.I'm putting all the blame on meself for everything that is shitty in my life at the moment.
Honestly I'm losing faith and hope that things will get better.How can I expect everything to go right when I don't have the will power to change it.And how am I going to get the will power to make my life better without having any motivation or any inspiration?Its like running without legs,its like shouting without a mouth and its like finding a way out with no windows or doors with nothing at all.I swear I'm even struggling right now to find the words that fully describe how I'm feeling right now.
To hell with it,I'm blank like shit so I'm gonna talk about the main problem.I just want to spend time with her.I don't know why but I want to.Can't stop thinking about her as usual its very fuck up.But I'm a shitass boring person.I don't even know how to chat with her properly.Fuck really.Everytime she leaves the conver for whatever reason just hurts cause I couldn't entertain her.Not a single god damn fucking shit topic come to my head.Its no wonder why she doesn't like me or anything.God,I love her soo much but...I have more chance of flying without wings then ever being with her.Heck I'm shit she deserves someone better...
"I'll never amount to the type of person you deserve to worship you..."- Alister. T
From me..
I'm not rich or anything,I'm not tall nor strong,but I hope its alright if I continue to love you..I know I'm nothing special.I'm really sorry..
I chose not to go to school today because well the weather is probably the best way to describe how I'm feeling [Gloomy?sad?unpredictable?]. Woke up around 2-ish due to heavy thunder and rain and I think I probably playing with faith as I have no idea why i was using the comp with the window open next to me.The thunder resembles how I feel inside,angry at my ownself for some reason.I'm putting all the blame on meself for everything that is shitty in my life at the moment.
Honestly I'm losing faith and hope that things will get better.How can I expect everything to go right when I don't have the will power to change it.And how am I going to get the will power to make my life better without having any motivation or any inspiration?Its like running without legs,its like shouting without a mouth and its like finding a way out with no windows or doors with nothing at all.I swear I'm even struggling right now to find the words that fully describe how I'm feeling right now.
To hell with it,I'm blank like shit so I'm gonna talk about the main problem.I just want to spend time with her.I don't know why but I want to.Can't stop thinking about her as usual its very fuck up.But I'm a shitass boring person.I don't even know how to chat with her properly.Fuck really.Everytime she leaves the conver for whatever reason just hurts cause I couldn't entertain her.Not a single god damn fucking shit topic come to my head.Its no wonder why she doesn't like me or anything.God,I love her soo much but...I have more chance of flying without wings then ever being with her.Heck I'm shit she deserves someone better...
"I'll never amount to the type of person you deserve to worship you..."- Alister. T
From me..
I'm not rich or anything,I'm not tall nor strong,but I hope its alright if I continue to love you..I know I'm nothing special.I'm really sorry..
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