Monday, 29 Dec 2008 , 10pm
Time Off ....
Since 26 Dec 08, He had requested for one month time off ...
I have been waiting for him to call me since then
but it turn out all to be a disappointment.
All I receive from him is just a message that he had reached home.
His message seem so polite towards me.
The feeling is so scary.
I do not know what to reply
but I still choose to reply him: Do you need me to woke you up?
Again his reply seem polite: No need, thank you
Feeling ....
How should I describe how I am feeling now
Fear? Lost? Upset? Scare? Lonely? Hurt? Anymore feeling I ask myself
The answer is yes... alot alot more but .... I don't know how to describe further
Fear of losing him
Lost of why all this happen
Upset over why all this happen
Scare that he would choose to leave me
Lonely that he is not there for me anymore
Hurt that all my effort had gone down the drain and I am going to lose him
A thousand and million of ???? and YYYYY in my mind
He still love me? I keep asking myself he still love me?
He told me that he don't love me anymore.
How true? I also don't know
I keep telling myself that: Yes, he still love me
All his action and words are due to the stress he is facing from our relationship.
I told him that I have no choice
but to respect his decision on this 1 month time off
I also told him that I cant bear to stop this relationship
cos I love him and I really love him ...
Missing you....
To you, I must confess I miss you very much!
I miss your kiss! I miss your hug! I miss your tender touch!
Our separation has been very difficult for me to take,
for I do miss you very much.
In fact,
I can’t enjoy a lonely meal,
Nor music do I wish to play,
For my life has lost all it’s color,
With you so far away.
And then there are those long, lonely nights without you.
I cope with them the only way I can -
At night, I lie in bed awake,
And think of all our memories;
And dream of the day when I will be Back safe in your loving arms.
His Thought....
Say that he is stress over our relationship
Say that he feel guilty that he has no time for me
Say that I am not independent enough for him
Say that I dun have any career advancement
Say that he don't like me to drink and get drunk
Say that I am always interfering with what he do
My says....
Dun have to feel guilty cos you are working
I have never blame you for that as I understand your busy schedule
I am independent in some way but might not be up to your expectation
I had already promise that I will not get drunk anymore so please don't worry
Already told you that once the opportunity is here, I will advance my career
Please dont feel stress up amymore
Please let thing goes with the flow
Everything will be fine
Waiting....
I am waiting..
Waiting for him to make the final decision
Waiting for him to love me once again
Waiting for him to give this relationship one more chance
Waiting for him to give me another chance to love him
Waiting for him to call me to tell me the good new
Waiting for the one month to end
Boy ... I am right here waiting ..
Questions....
Question myself is he happy with me?
Question myself that does he deserve a girl like me that he needs to worry every time even for a simple meal, whether I know how to take care of myself when I sick?
Question myself that does he deserve a girl that will let his feel guilty when he didn't even do anything wrong?
Question myself that does he need a relationship that will make him stress, bother and it affecting his mood to work in one way or another?
Am I selfish?
Knowing that he is not happy
Knowing that he is stressful
Knowing that he is feeling guilty
Knowing that he does not love me any more
Knowing that he does not want to continue in this relationship anymore
Knowing that all the above is affecting him
Why am I forcing him to be with me again?
My final say and preparation....
Boy, I love you and I already treasure this relationship that we have built together.
I really can't bear to leave you.
Thinking of all the memories that we had, I really feel very upset.
The thought of you wanting to end this relationship hurt me so badly
It like been stab by a knife into my heart.
I would really hope that u can allow me to love you again.
But again, I am trying very hard to prepare myself for the worse answer from you.
Really hoping that the finally answer from you is ...
YOU WOULD WANT TO HOLD ME IN YOUR ARM AGAIN.....
