Just ranting with inner thoughts.

Log in to blogger and I saw the previous post that I had posted and thought to myself, actually that post pretty much sums up my life now and what I was about to type it out now ...

Few months ago I drafted a dedication post, but I didn't publish it in the end. Reasons?
I did manage to list a handful of people in that post, however, I find that I couldn't really write anything out. idk why too. I really wanna thank the people who have helped me, and that I'm really appreciative of what they had done for me, or even, just being a part of my life.

Maybe I haven't been feeling valued recently I guess.

I feel that I'm someone that people can do without, always. I'm not a part of anyone's life. Not even my family. How devastating. There are not much people who can make me really cry, and if I do, I must have been hurt real hard, real bad, and real deep, because I cared too much.

I might appear to be strong / unconcerned with my surroundings / (fill in whatever phrases related to strong), but I'm really not. I'm concerned with the people around, I'm concerned with being part of people's life, I wanna be inclusive. I'm just like everyone else. I need someone to be there for me, care for me, listen to me, shares with me, laugh with me and cry with me (okay, maybe not this point) ... 

Such person don't really exist do they?

Actually, don't people only initiate a meetup with people they care about ? I will say that goes for me though, that's why I have this mindset, which makes me sad. Apparently no one initiate meetups with me. And, I'm tired being the only one initiating.

Sometimes I really wish I have a friend like me. Maybe then, I would realised I have been the same kind of person that I hated. And it will make me feel less miserable, because I'm hurting the others too, not just myself getting hurt. I wouldn't be so self-centered then.

Does my post even make any sense? It's okay, my life doesn't make sense too.

I guess, I just had to let things be, and learn to let go.

Anyhows, I recently graduated and have been unemployed since then. The different feelings that I'm going through, was so mixed, and really terrible. Well, I know I'm not the only one though. But I couldn't help it, I'm feeling really depressed. All I do is watch drama after drama. Yes, it's kinda of like a blessing to be able to do that, and I'll probably be missing this life and complaining about how good life was back then. Oh well, now I also realised that, actually being able to complain and having things to complain and grumble about can also be such an enjoyment and a blessing thing to do. Humans. Or maybe it's just me.

I'm probably just feeling alone, lonely and bored, that's why I'm writing this post. Till then.

Emotionally tired.

You know that moment when you just feel wrong?

When everything ticks you off.

When small setbacks makes you feel like crying.

When a rejection left you feeling totally dejected.

When all you feel is under appreciated, misunderstood, angry, miserable.

When laughing and smiling and talking feel pointless and fake.

Yes. that is exactly what the Brat is feeling now. I'm tired - emotionally tired.

All I wanna do is scream and yell and get angry and just give up.

All I want to do is disregard everything and anything.

All I want to do is crawl in a cocoon and cry~

Can I?

 

 

Source: some blog.

Humans, weird much..

Humans are a bunch of weird people, who won't be satisfied so easily ...
Back to the topic on convo ..
Often people say, "why do people only text me when they needed smth from me?"
But apart from needing smth or help from someone,
what other things are there for people to talk abt?
Talk about life? Talk about problems?
Are you sure you have the time and interest to keep the convo going?
Then why don't you ask yourself this question, "Why am I not talking to my friends first?" too?

Actually at times, I don't even know what are the problems that I'm facing that are making me so sick and tired of life.
Sometimes, I don't even know why either.
But foul mood just came looking for me out of nowhere. To the extend that I feel like screaming or even breaking some stuffs..
All that I felt is, blank and empty.
I don't even know where to start from, let alone, who.

Everyone is the same. We are all pots calling the kettles black.

ifeelsoselfabsorbedwhenblogging-

Do people feel the same way?

Not very used to this new layout of blogger. It's like ... an enlarge version of twitter?
Haas, perhaps with lesser readers ba. Which is good.
Oh well, there isn't many to begin with anyway ~

Oh, ya. Do people feel the same way?
I've always been wondering ..
Is it me, who is always coming across this problem?
Or, it's just that, I'm unaware of my surrounding?

Partly becos I'm unaware of my surrounding I will say.
I ... choose my friends. Yes, sadly.. And I believe most of us are like this.
I only will attempt to update myself with the life of those whom I will like to update myself with.
Which makes me pretty much unaware of the other people around me.
At times, I v much want/wish to talk to someone..
(by saying talk, I'm v much referring to over whatsapp/sms and not the phone.. apparently that's how most people communicate nowadays right?)
Just someone whom I feel comfortable talking to.
And someone who won't just pissed me off in the midst of the convo.
However, I feel that when I get too proactive, it feels as though I'm disturbing my friend..
And that I'll irritate them and get on their nerves, sooner or later.
That is why I've been restricting myself from taking the first step..

Sadly, no friends are taking the first step to start a chat with me either.
Are they thinking like what I'm thinking? Or, it's just that I've not cross their mind at all.
I bet it's the latter. It's sad, I know.
Perhaps it's just my mentality, and not everyone thinks of it this way.
But, there needs to be someone who will be willing to take the first step...
I'm fine with taking the step first if I really want/need to talk to you.. But when the other party is not making an effort.. I'll find what I'm doing pointless altogether. Can't it be a vice-versa thingy?
At times, I feel that I've share too much with someone, and they are not.
I feel kind of useless at times. Maybe, I trust people too quickly & easily, and to them, I may not be trust-able yet.

I guess, nowadays people do not have that much things to talk about anymore.
Or, are our communication skills deteriorating?
Sigh. Now the way some people chat is like, trying to end the convo with every sentence of theirs. 
Or, they just take hours to get back to you in the midst of the convo.
This really sucks, seriously.
It's like, you're anticipating a msg that you don't know when it'll be coming.
And all you can do is to just keep looking at your phone to see if there's new msgs..
(worst still if a msg comes in, and it's not from the one that you anticipated, but someone whom you wish wouldn't contact you. And in this case, it's always the current classmates.)
Becos I feel that by sending another text will kind of disturb the other party.
[you know, when people don't reply, it's either 1) busy, 2) don't feel like talking to you much so replies slower, 3) don't feel like talking to you anymore, 4) forgot]
I can understand that people can be really busy at times, and won't have time to attend to their phone.
But if you're REALLY that busy, can't you just send a short text to say "i'll ttyl later"?

Another thing that just make me feel sad for myself is that ...
When you have a meet-up with your friend, and they are using their phone throughout (not totally, maybe 3/4 of the time?)..
That feeling sucks pretty much especially when they take ages to reply your msgs, but are always on their phone when hanging out with you. (like, yeah .. I know you get what I meant.)
That is why I always make it a point to keep my phone away when hanging out with friends. It's also a form of respect actually.
Not trying to say that I'm great or whatsnot. But, don't you agree?

Don't you think it's kind of sad that people are hanging out this way?

We are all too busy for each other.

Sometimes, it's really just a little effort needed from both side. 

Blogging kind of help to alleviate some pain.
It's like .. you can just type whatever you want, and it's up to people if they wanna read.
You can vent whatever you want here, that you think no one will be interested to listen to.
Unlike sending msgs to people and expecting/anticipating their reply, in fear that you may have disturbed them somehow.
Still, I'll like to receive it ...

I do have a high expectations in good friends. Very high.

Alrights. Feeling a little better now.
Need to get back to dissertation.. jiayou k ! (:

becosthethingsthaticannotchoosekindofsuckssoichoosesmyfreninhopethattheywillbetherewithmeandunderstandsmelikehowiwillliketobethereforthemtooonlyiftheyarewillingtoletmein-

Seriously,

I wished someone actually cares.