Hi, my name is Sarah. And I’m an Alcoholic.

As I started to write this, nearing my 1 year anniversary of sobriety, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to share with you.  I just knew it was time to come clean.  God keeps telling me to begin to tell my story.  And it would be really long if I were to go through my entire drinking history, especially since I started at 18.  It’s still going to be long.  This is just one tiny part of the story of where I was a year ago, August 6th, 2015.

I guess what I want you to know as you read this, is that 

I AM WHAT AN ALCOHOLIC LOOKS LIKE.  

We are all around you.  And we don’t fit any one mold.  

I'm the one in the middle... my amazing supportive family are surrounding me.

Before I got sober, I had a very different picture in my mind of what an alcoholic was.  I pictured someone who was grubby, unshaven, really rough around the edges and perhaps lived under a bridge.  Smoked a lot.  Had a lot of tattoos.  Ripped jeans, torn clothes.  You get the picture.   The women I pictured had really bad hair (bad dye jobs, lots of peroxide), major bags under their eyes, and kind of looked ridden hard and hung up wet.  And they wore stained tank tops and smoked and drank stale beer or whiskey in a dimly lit bar.  God I feel awful putting that on paper, but it’s true.

I certainly didn’t picture myself as an alcoholic.  I mean, come on… I’m an upper middle class, 43 year old woman who went to boarding school.  I have a college degree, a master’s degree, two kids, a wonderful husband, a great job and career, no debt and a house with picket fence (albeit not white).   Only thing missing from that picture is a dog.  I don’t have many problems in my life at all.  In fact, I am incredibly blessed.  But my drinking was quickly becoming a real problem for my life.  What I thought was normal drinking, I would soon find out was NOT NORMAL AT ALL. 

My normal?  My normal had become 1 to 2 bottles of wine a night.  Every night.  Drinking while doing house chores?  Yup.  And for a while, we had someone clean for us – it was easier to drink that way.  Less to do = more time to drink.  Any excuse for a cocktail… at any time of the day?   Mimosas on a Saturday morning anyone?   Neighbors are in the cul-de-sac?  The Eagles lost?  The Eagles won?  I could find a reason to drink.  I started to buy the mini-4 packs because I could hide and sneak them more easily.  I would plan my strategy at non-drinking events around when I could figure out how to get a drink.  Thinking about when I could get my glass(es) of wine from the minute I woke up until I that said-glass in my hand?  Yup. Getting really furious inside if unexpected company would show up because I had to share my wine?  Yes.  There were many nights I swore the next morning that I’d stop drinking.  But that would change by 5pm.  “I’ll start next week…” or “I’ll cut back”… were regular mantras.   After drinking too much, I would pray as I laid down at night, “God, if you take away my spins / make me throw up / don’t let me throw up / get me sober (you get the picture)… I promise I’ll stop”.  I prayed that prayer many more nights that I cared to admit.  Yeah… that was me.  God had an answer for me but I didn't have ears to hear him at that point in my life.

Thankfully when I did hit my bottom, it wasn’t a very hard one compared to some others I've had the privilege of meeting.  I praise God every day that I was able to get the help I needed when I did, and before any “yet's” happened that I would have regretted even more… "Yet's?"!?!?!  Here is what I mean. 

• I hadn’t gotten a DUI – yet. 
• I hadn’t made too much of a fool of myself from getting too drunk – yet
• I hadn’t lost major relationships in my life because of my drinking – yet. 
• I hadn’t lost a job because of my drinking – yet.
• I hadn’t hurt my children due to my drinking – yet.
• I hadn't ruined my marriage - yet.

You begin to get the "yet" picture...

(I might choose to switch those words instead, to "Honor the space between my not yet's and my no longer")

And let me tell you honestly – I should have had any/all of those "yet's" happen. I drove after I drank.  I got pretty drunk at various functions.  I wasn’t the nicest verbally to my kids or my husband.  I said things I regretted (when I remembered them). There were days I went to work pretty darn hung over.   I'm not proud to admit any of this, and it is by God’s grace and my guardian angels that I avoided anything terrible happening.

The first day I was in rehab, I very quickly realized I was “one of them”.  The picture in my head of what an alcoholic “looked like” that I illustrated above?  Well, it quickly started to wash away as I heard other addicts and alcoholics share their stories.  Ashamedly, as I listened to the rest of the folks around me, I realized that their stories were my stories.  I was one of them.  It didn’t matter that they were recovering from other drugs.  That snotty, uneducated picture in my head?  Welcome to reality Sarah.  Welcome to the club.  I was angry and sad, confused and bewildered.  And I didn't belong there, did I?  Nothing bad had happened. 

Yet.

And now?  I couldn’t imagine myself anywhere else. While being at this point in my life was never on my life's bucket list, and I certainly don’t wish to have this dubious title, I am so glad that I’ve found this tribe and community of other recovering alcoholics and addicts who understand me and really get what I am feeling and where I am coming from. I've found them in anonymous meetings.  I've found them in Rehab.  I work with them, I pray with them... they are on Facebook.  They understand my anger.  They understand my grief.  They understand how funny some of the memories of drinking are (that really shouldn’t be funny).  They get it.

THEY GET IT. 

And more importantly?  The ones who have long term sobriety?  THEY HAVE WHAT I WANT.  A peace and understanding that I hope to be blessed enough to get to some day.  Money doesn't buy that.  Staying sober one day at a time does though.

I could go on and on about my journey.  In fact, I started to write out my first few weeks, but I’ll save that for another time and another post. If you want to know about it in more detail, call me.  I'm happy to share.  What I remember about a year ago though, is how scared, lonely, sad, angry, confused and overwhelmed I was. Now?  I still have those feelings but they are a lot fewer.  Thanks to rehab and meetings, I’m learning who sober Sarah is … and so far I like her a lot more than I used to like myself.  

I can’t thank my family, friends and co-workers enough for loving and supporting me through this.   Especially my family.  The unconditional love and support of everyone as blown me away.  And I’ve beat myself up enough for the mistakes I made.  Regret only accomplishes so much.  I am choosing to celebrate making the right (but not easy) choice for where I was in my life 1 year ago.  I'm choosing to accept some grace now, because so many people have already offered it to me.

What I want you to know is that addiction is very, very real.  You know us, whether you think you do or not.  You might be one.  You might be married to one.  You might have one as a child or parent, brother or sister.  You might live next door to one.  I might be your Pastor, your child’s teacher, Boy/Girl Scout Leader, Sunday School teacher or Mailman.  Maybe your Doctor or Lawyer or your Assistant Director of Human Resources.  We might hide our illness really well.  We might not.  We do not choose this.  Believe it or not, we can't "just stop" drinking.  We've tried.  We don't want to be like this.  

Alcoholism is a disease.  A cunning, baffling, terrible disease that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

And while I hope you don’t ever have to join my tribe, please know that if you do?  I’ll be there with open arms and no judgement to welcome you.

“My name is Sarah and I’m an alcoholic.  Welcome.  I'm glad you're here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you think you have a problem, please get help.  All you have to do is to choose to stop drinking for today.  There are more resources than you might know about but I would suggest starting HERE.  If you're in Richmond and want help, look HERE.  And call me.

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Cruising into 6 months of sobriety

6 months.  I wasn't sure on August 6th that I would make it.  But today, I reached this goal I've had my eye on for a while!  Yippee!!  It's certainly been a journey.  Not an easy one, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  And lest I have anyone think this is easy or a journey near finishing, it is NOT!  

The cruising reference comes from the fact that Dennis and I went on a Disney cruise for our (early) 15th anniversary without the kids last week, and it was delightful!  

I have a few apps to help me along this journey - the one above is a bit more sobering than the first one is (pun intended).  To see the numbers of how many glasses of wine, how much money, how many calories, how many days/hours/minutes I've succeeded... Just wow.  And it reminds me to be proud of myself.  

So, at any rate it is something to celebrate!  I was nervous about going on the cruise, until I realized that I couldn't pick up my 6 month chip from AA until I got back.  A friend sent me a  picture of her 6 month chip, which I promptly made my phone screen saver so every time I started having a craving I just looked at it.  It worked well!  And I picked up my 6 month chip today.  And I will pick up another Tuesday night at a group I hope to make my home group.  I don't think I can have too many reminders around me!

I'll tell you, I had some serious cravings on the ship.  Stronger than I've had a in a while.  In hindsight, I don't know that they were cravings to drink as much as it was that old muscle memory / habit.  This was the first "adult" vacation I've been on that I was sober on.  Cruise = drinking, right?  Yup, in the past.  This time, not so much.  And our bill at the end was quite reasonable, lol!  I talked to myself a lot those first few days.  A lot of reminders of how far I've come, questioning whether a cocktail was worth having to do 6 months over (no), etc...  And I managed.  I found ways around and I'm slowly training myself that I have to have a new normal now.

So I made up for the drinking with enjoying lots of good food... seafood galore (see above)!  And a lot more sugar than I normally consume.  That is one thing I'm seeing about recovering, is that my addiction or cravings have moved from alcohol to sugar, so that is my next focus.  I gained about 5 pounds from the cruise, so need to start focusing on getting that off!

At any rate, now that I'm 6 months sober (alcohol) and 4 months caffeine free (well, okay about 98% caffeine free) It is time to start figuring out the sugar aspect of things.  I'm contemplating cutting out refined sugar for Lent.  We will see.  Small steps.  That is all I can take.  But I can do them carefully and successfully!  

I'll leave you with a few pictures from the cruise... blessed to have an amazing husband on this journey with me, and I hope for many, many more years together of celebration!!!

On the Disney Magic on our deck

At Rum Point, Grand Cayman

I love this picture of Dennis... he is so relaxed and happy.  Rum Point, Grand Cayman.

Captain Jack Sparrow!

From RNY... to Transfer Addiction... to Recovery.

A lot has happened in my life since my last post 8 months ago...  While this might be a long-ish post, I'm not going to be able to share everything but figured for those few of you who are still out there checking in I'd let you know what is going on, although I think many of you do know.  But, if one person finds my blog and it helps them, awesome!

As many of you know from my last 6 years of posts, I like my wine.  I followed 85-90% of the rules with the lapband / RNY surgery, but giving up alcohol wasn't one of them.  I cut back, but not enough.  And after not listening to my doctors and NP's, I ended up putting myself into an outpatient recovery program for alcohol, and I'm happy to say I'm sober 5 months as of today.

Now let's be clear.  WLS was NOT the cause of my problem.  I've been drinking for 25 years, and at the rate I was going I was bound to end up having an issue.  However, the surgery in June 2014 to RNY solidified that "issue" and really moved it along.  I didn't believe my doctor when he told me after the surgery that I couldn't drink.  Period.  That my body wouldn't metabolize it, and I would really get in trouble (in more ways than one)...  I wish I had, but I didn't.  And I continued to drink.

The perfect storm of events really started happening spring of last year.  Work was getting crazy (who's job isn't?!?!), I was drinking more and more, and even though I have an amazing life, something was missing.  I drank steadily through the summer, but in August I just got tired.  I am thankful that I don't have a big "story" about my bottom.  After a number of really shitty weeks, I woke up August 6th at 5:15am, and after drinking (really bad) wine the night before and was at my bottom.  I'd had enough.

Dennis was scared, the kids were noticing more and more, work was starting to be impacted, I was exhausted ALL. THE. TIME. and all I could think about was drinking.  It was the first thing I thought about in the morning (usually berating myself for drinking too much) and then all I thought about all day.

I had my annual WLS appointment that afternoon, and when my NP saw me, she LOST HER SHIT on me.  Mind you, I've been honest with her all along that I was still drinking (and how much). Thank God.  Thank God she cared enough.  She threatened to put me in the hospital, called my bullshit, and basically did an intervention with Dennis watching right there.  One of the scariest days of my life.  The next day, I went for an intake at a rehab facility here in Richmond.  OMG.  So many emotions come flooding back, but suffice it to say I don't wish this disease on anyone.

They were ready to take me into an outpatient program that day.  I made excuses why I couldn't.  (I refused to consider inpatient, although it might not have been a bad thing for me).  Although I was exhausted, and desperately wanted help I just wasn't ready.  And honestly, I was terrified.  Wine was my best friend.  I didn't want to lose my best friend.

So I white knuckled it and went cold turkey by myself for 30 days.  

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT TO ANYONE!  

Right before Labor Day, I summoned up the courage (bolstered by some subtle threats from people who loved me), and started this Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP).  8 weeks, 3 days a week for 3 hours a day.  I managed it while I was working.  And I can honestly say the program saved my life.

About 60% of the way through the program, I ended up in the hospital for 6 days because of side effects of drinking...  I had a perforated ulcer (most likely caused in part by my drinking, but exacerbated from my switch from wine to coffee... I was over 100 oz a day of coffee that first 30 days).  And up until I ended up there, I'll be honest - I was sober, and committed to the program, but I also was still trying to figure out how I would drink again one day.  I was sure there was a way I could "just have one"...  yeah right.  Thankfully, that hospital stay turned that thinking around.  It was terrifying.  The physical possibilities that they shared with me, the 17 IV's I had to have, the 2 MRI's, the CT scans, the not knowing.  

And the conversations with God.  

To him.  

From him. 

Thankfully I had ears to hear, and was able to turn my thinking around.

I can honestly say that since I was released, I haven't thought about how I can drink again.  I miss it, no lie.  But now I think about how I'll stay sober each day, just for that day.

At any rate, I finished out the outpatient program right before Thanksgiving.  And I had planned to start the 12 week follow up program (which is only 1 hour a week), but then I ended up in the hospital AGAIN.  This time for an internal hernia.  Thankfully, this was only an outpatient surgery and I was back to work and my routine within a week.

BUT... my routines are different now.  I am definitely learning how to live life without Alcohol (and caffeine - I'll get into that later).  I'll be honest - it is hard.  But, I'm learning to live a new life - and I've been experiencing lots of "firsts"

• This was my first sober Thanksgiving and Christmas (they were great)
• I've learned how to cook sober (and I realized I'm still not a great cook)
• I'm experiencing the joys of parenthood sober (and also experiencing the not-so-fun-parts)
• So many other good and different things

So in December, I finally got up the courage to go to an AA meeting.  I got my white chip.  I wish I had done it sooner, but I'm realizing that things are happening in this journey when they are supposed to.  And now I have a white chip (first day), a silver chip (30 days) and a red chip (90 days).  And very soon, I will get to pick up my green chip (for 6 months).  I can't wait!

It's a whole new life.  I'm excited about it.  I feel like my joy is back.  I'm happy again.  I can see more clearly in so many ways.  And I'm grateful.  There is so much I want to share with other people but it will happen in due time...

For now, I leave you with this... if you have had WLS, please know that transfer addictions (even 6 years out) are VERY real. 

And if you are struggling with drinking?  Get help.  It's out there.  You don't have to do it alone.  You can be happy again!

Thank you to everyone in my family, and all of my friends who have been so amazingly supportive in this journey - I couldn't have done it without you!

WLS update:  Currently weighing in around 167 - picture above is my highest size pants which were a size 28, and I'm in a size 12 pants now, 8 dresses, and SMALL shirts.  Wow.

Finally, I think the focus of this blog may change, since my journey has changed.  I think that I might take this blog down a different path along this recovery journey.  I hope you continue on it with me!