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31 December 2008
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Interior for TV: width=31", height=24"
30 December 2008
The After After After
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After After
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Before and After
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29 December 2008
So Worth It
27 December 2008
From Scratch
26 December 2008
Conflicted
I, on the other hand am still conflicted. It was hard to let her go back. Dressed in clothes I don't recognize, taking items I hope won't be missplaced, and wearing the shoes they always have on her (or she always picks): a pair of slip on's that don't really stay on instead of her sensible tennis shoes. I guess it was too easy for just a few days, and tucking her into bed at night my heart hurt - I am not sure why - maybe knowing that she doesn't get moms love at RSS, just care and companionship. Is it enough? Am I doing the right thing? Am I a horrible mother?
Sigh ... I know it is the right thing - it is just hard. She is learning. I could not find her pajamas that Santa had brought her while I was packing for her to go back. Jessie said she knew where they were and I heard her go into her bedroom, open a drawer and get them. She put them away! She NEVER used to put anything away. Even the princess pillows my mom gave her were sitting neatly beside her bed. A good skill for where she lives - items probably won't get lost so much if she can put things where they belong.
I will see her Sunday, but right now that seems like a long time from now. I want to make sure that the staff take care of her ... treat her as a V.I.P. - because she is. Is it going to be this hard every time she comes to stay? Probably, I just need to know that it will happen and be prepared for it.
Being prepared for it means that I will know that I will have all these feelings ... too bad it doesn't mean taking them away. Being numb sound real good about right now.
25 December 2008
24 December 2008
Are you sure?
23 December 2008
Meet: Bob
His pedigreed name is "Sir Blue Bobble Birdie Bob", but I just call him Bob.
Yep, that's all he does. He makes me enormously happy!
(Sorry, the camera was close to a speaker and I can't figure out how to control the volume, or edit a film clip for that matter ... I will work on it)
Since EVERYBODY's doing it ... hubby tag:
1. He's sitting in front of the TV. What's on the screen?
Split between Discovery Channel (I might stay in the room) or the Western Channel (I flee them minute I hear the twang).
2. You are out to eat. What dressing does he get on his salad.
Balsamic vinegar and oil (not ALL boys eat Ranch)
3. What's one food he doesn't like?
He goes with Sam on this (but probably way more passionately hates them) Casserole's (all casserole's, any combination of food baked in a glass square container is out! This is why I do not cook in our house ...)
4) You go to a bar. What does he drink first?
Man, I wouldn't even know what his alcoholic beverage of choice would be - I will ask him today while we are out to lunch...
5) Where did he go to High School?
Logan High School, Logan, Utah
6) If he were to collect anything, what would it be?
220 volt professional woodworking shop equipment and all of their adjoining accoutrement's (he is well on his way to having everything ever made ... and then a few extras just in case)
7) What shoe size does he wear?
Size 12
8) What is his favorite type of sandwich?
Bacon, lettuce and tomato - when the tomatoes are fresh from the garden (other wise a club sandwich will do)
9) What would he eat every day if he could?
Bananas - and he does.
10) What would he never wear?
A thong speedo - just the first thing I thought of ...
11) What is his favorite sports team?
He does not follow sports (this and his ability to build all our furniture make him my kind of guy)
12) What is something you do that he wishes you didn't do so much?
HANDS DOWN: Write about him on my blog!
13) How many states has he lived in?
Four: Utah, California, Texas and the state of 'Sheer Joy' - when he is out in his shop building furniture...
14) What is his heritage?
English and Swedish
15) You bake him a cake for his birthday. What kind of cake would it be?
It wouldn't matter, if I actually cooked and he did not have to bake his own cake, he would keel over dead - thus why he is still alive today.
16) Did he play sports in High School?
Yes - Regional Champion in swimming.
Addendum: Gary reminded me that he also ran track and 'practiced' football (16 years old, 5'10" and 110lbs - he rethought the football thing --- got his height on his mission). I had forgotten.
17) What could he spend hours doing?
If you have not figured that out by now ... y'all have not been paying attention. And over at our house we call it "snorting sawdust"
There ... I feel better.
22 December 2008
I think you had to be there ...
21 December 2008
Fall is in the Air ...
20 December 2008
Seriously, This is ADDICTING!
Snowflake Fun
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The link to make your own: makeasnowflake
19 December 2008
Dear Jessie,
You seem so happy, you have friends, you have a routine, you have your space and it seems to suit you. I am so proud that you have adjusted so well. Because ... well, when you come home - you kind of look like a homeless person. You have showered yourself, you have dressed yourself and it sort of shows and it makes me want so badly to take care of you. I ache to make sure you are clean enough, your clothes look good, your hair is combed and it is so hard just to be happy because you are happy.
I know that is what is important - so your clothes don't match and your hair is a little messy - you have friends for the first time in your life! And they love you, and take care of you. They watch out for you, help you put your socks on, remind you where you set something down - or better yet - pick it up and put it back in your room. You could never get that at home - and friends make all the difference, don't they?
You are doing things that you could never / would never do at home! It is exciting to watch you grow and mature into someone that, quite frankly, I don't know. It makes me sad that you seem like a stranger. I don't know how your day goes, if you slept well, what meds you are taking, if you have been feeling well. But more than that - you seem more adult like. Such a good thing! But something I don't recognize and I feel like I am losing you.
I know I am not - you come home every week, I talk to your staff all the time, you call me a few times a week. I actually had an epiphany about this last week. I realized that I had never really thought about my life after you were gone. I just thought that it would be when my life started. Like I was waiting to live MY life, not the life of "Jessie's Mom". And as I think about things, I realize the tether I spoke about in an earlier letter is really still there. For some reason I thought it would be cut clean in two and then I drew a blank. I didn't think we would be going our separate ways, I just never thought about it. I realized the tether is just longer.
That day I realized that our lives were enmeshed so deeply that you could never separate us and that I would be here. Mom is not going anywhere - and for a moment I was sad. Realizing that it was this way until the day I died. When was I going to live MY life? That magical life I have been waiting for years to live? And then I realized - this is my life. And I can make it as great or as horrible as I want - I am free to choose. I choose to move on and learn and grow side by side with you - and that is enough for me ... until the day I die.
This week is going to be very interesting. You are coming home for 3 days! Ahhhh! When you come on Sunday, after a few hours you want to go back to your friends, so we take you. I am not sure what is going to happen during the 48 hours we have you. I really, really hope we are not counting down the hours until you can go back. But I also really, really hope you don't think that you are back home, like - for good. I can't take you back all over again. I just can't - so please understand this is just a visit. I wish so badly I could talk to you about this. It will be the first time you sleep in your bed since you moved to RSS and I am so worried. But what are we going to do - leave you at RSS on Christmas? I think not.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
Love you, see you on Sunday,
Mom
18 December 2008
Santa's First Gift Came Early ...
Playing around with the pseudo-programming language: HTML, the old computer programmer in me kicked in and started solving problems and creating. It was fun, it was exhilarating, it was strange, and unfamiliar and weird and it felt great! So now my website: http://www.lorihurst.net/ has a column (the hardest thing I have done so far), it has buttons! Push them! They go to other pages! IT IS SO COOL! I've seriously never have had this much fun in quite a while.
And best of all, there is a tiny whisper in my head saying "Your not stupid". What a gift!
It's Getting Serious
Anyone out there that can do this in their sleep and wouldn't mind a question or two from and idiot - let me know!
17 December 2008
Underline! I Have Missed You!
The Quiet of Christmas
In Norway, everything shuts down for a few days at Christmas and churches ring their bells. It feels right, peaceful, reverent and I think how Christ would have Christmas celebrated if He had His way.
But now I am home, and their is no snow, and the TV and radio are shouting, competing with sales flyers and ads and signs on stores that say they will be open Christmas Day. I have to say it is much harder to find the quiet of Christmas.
And I know I need it. I have to find it. To fully thank the Savior for coming to the earth and atoning for my sins, I need to stop, forget about the presents I have not bought yet, or the ones that need wrapped. Forget the house, and the cleaning and the mess. Forget the gloomy outside, turn off the TV - the radio - the internet, and sit down in my nativity room and just ... be quiet.
It will come, I think - that peace I felt - that led to thankfulness and a Christmas that was full of meaning, happiness, peace and joy. But I will have to work for it now, it is not going to come by just being - because things are so different now - things I cannot fix - things that are stressful and pull me in the opposite direction than the direction I should be heading.
I think it is: Hurry, and be still.
16 December 2008
Done
My life might be falling apart all around me, but my closet is clean. I am sure it will help me sleep at night.
15 December 2008
Cats
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Festive Mailbox
Because I Didn't Have Enough To Do
14 December 2008
Saving Mrs. Santa Clause
The Contenders:
Mrs. Katie Clause
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Mrs. Hillary Clause
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Mrs Martha Clause
I am pretty sure that after I am asleep, she will clean up my house, organize my cabinets, do my laundry and fold those pesky fitted sheets to perfection, fix my decorations - or buy some new really cool ones (probably from her own line - but they better not be from Kmart), will bake cookies, pies, Christmas dinner, purchase all the gifts I still need to get (which would be ... well - all of them) and wrap them beautifully. She would turn my house into one of the pages in her magazine and I would be all full of Christmas cheer.
I am not sure what she would do the other nights, since I am convinced that she could pull all this off in one evening - I think she has magical powers just like Santa in that 'time warp' way when they are doing their thing ... maybe she could pass that along to me.
So ... who's it going to be - the news woman? The lady who really needs a new husband? Or the magical lady who will bring elves to my house and probably make it snow on Christmas eve?
Not that I am biased or anything ... just asking.
It was also suggested that Santa should have a say in this, so I let him pick and he (Gary) picked:
Her qualifications: she is used to the cold, she can see the North Pole from her house, and she can threaten the reindeer with a shotgun if they get out of line. And Santa thinks she's hot - so ... basically she made the list.
Neither, I believe have magical elves - which I am thinking would still come in mighty handy, but ... there you go.
I'm seriously sticking this Mrs. Clause out in my living room with a piece of paper taped over her face, so think long and hard about this ... it just might be a smiley face!
13 December 2008
Poinsettia
Linda gave me a poinsettia the other day and I was noticing today how beautiful it is. I think I will go and buy a bunch more and surround the tree.
Definition of a Loser ... Or Lori's Pity Party
As we were wrapping up lunch and I was trying very, very hard to keep down the few spoonfuls of soup that I had, the subject of me being ill came up. Bonne said that she wanted to shake her fists at the heavens and ask why. She said she rarely does this but is frustrated with it. Linda also voiced her sadness / frustration that I was ill and always in pain and generally battling some sort of illness. Stress does a number on my immune system and my ability to control the pain. On a scale of 1 – 10 on the ‘stress-o-meter’ things have been an 11 lately. So things have been particularly bad, and I don’t see an end to this for a very long time.
I was overwhelmed by their concern for me. Their love for me is overwhelming and I feel so lucky to have such friends. I also felt guilty. I feel guilty that even with all the prayers and blessings and other things that I am still sick. I feel that if I were just a better person – that I would not be ill. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I think some of it is comments in church lessons, discussions on faith that if a person has enough faith in prayer, a blessing, etc that they would be healed. I have heard story after story about this – wonderful stories, heartwarming, inspiring stories of people healed by faith. So, since I am still ill – logic tells me, and my heart tells me that I don’t have enough faith … so the guilt moves in and stays in the back of my mind, constantly whispering that I am just not a good enough person to be healed. I try to ignore it – sometimes it is a whisper, sometimes it is a scream.
I spent years working on relaxation techniques to ease the pain. I tried all sorts of other things and nothing worked. I have come to a truce with the heavens about it. I am not good enough ergo I am ill. Also, everyone has troubles, and who am I to decide that I am so special that I should not have them. It just makes me terribly sad – I know I need rest so I stay in bed, or sit at the computer and watch life around me go on – without me in it. Lives of those around me marching on while I just lay in bed. It feels very wrong that I am missing so much.
My life is so blessed in other ways that it balances out – the good by far outweighs the bad. But sometimes I don’t see that, I only feel the pain and frustration that I cannot do something that day because I am sick, and time just marches on.
And while I am sharing, I thought that I might as well go all the way. Here’s the biggest thing that troubles me:
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So, not only do I feel that I have failed when it comes to faith and being a good person, I get to add needing a ‘fix’ to get by.
This, my friends is the definition of a loser …
Suprisingly Slothful
12 December 2008
Dexter
I decided that I am done decorating - unless I get some burst of holiday cheer and wrap my curving staircase banister with lit evergreen like I have done the past two years - I just can't work up enough excitement. So - a night all to myself.
And what am I going to do? Catch up on one of my favorite shows: Dexter. It is on Showtime so I don't know if many of you know about it, but it is great - or I am sick and twisted ... one or the other. He is a forensic scientist who works with the Miami police department and is their blood spatter expert. He is also a serial killer. Yeah - he is a sociopath and kills people - AND YOU LOVE HIM. See - he only kills bad people - so that is supposed to make it all right.
There is nothing better than soft couch, a Route 44 size cherry & lime diet coke and watching Dexter kill people.
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11 December 2008
Getting There
You might be wondering why most the stuff is labeled 'Norwegian ...'. I was sick (no big surprise there is it?) when we were moving to Norway and Gary had to make a lot of decisions about what went into storage and what we took with us. He assumed we would be coming home for Christmas so sent it all to storage. After going to his Mom's for the first Christmas we were over there, I really wanted to experience a Norwegian Christmas - so we had to 'buy' Christmas. Since as I mentioned everything over there was really good quality I have been mainly using my stuff I got there: Real glass Icicle ornaments, glass snowflake ornaments, brass ornaments, crystal ornaments, all our 'Characters'. I am really glad we did it, and it was a beautiful, white Christmas (although I hear y'all got a white Christmas here that year as well).
Soldiers
Last year I opened up the box they had been stored in (while in Norway) and told them to 'stand down' - I wouldn't be needing them that year. Apparently they did not take my advice - it looks like they partied in there. I had them all lined up neatly - and now - chaos.
Angels
I started to decorate my tree today and decided to make a slide show of my angels - some of Rachael's are here and some others - I didn't put them all because there would be too many.
Lori's Christmas Angels:
Oh, and I should mention that there are a few Russian Ladies thrown in for color and just because I like them.
10 December 2008
Nativity Room
I finished my Nativity Room so I decided to take a break and snap some photos:
My Christmas Characters are all lined up autitioning for spots in the house:
07 December 2008
Deck the Halls
05 December 2008
13th Angel
When I was pregnant with Rachael, during December, I already knew she was going to die immediately after birth. I was wandering around a mall, I can't remember why, but I looked up and in a Hallmark store was a golden cherub angel - and I knew I needed to have it, for her. Every year since then, I have bought an angel for my Rachael. I have amassed quite a few (she would have been twelve next Valentines Day).
For the last 3 years, I have bought the Swarovski angel. The first year it just seemed right - it was 'the angel' for the year. When it is on the tree and the lights hits it, it makes the most beautiful rainbow and just glows. So I have purchased the 2007 and now the 2008 version also.
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The thing is - I feel like I am cheating now. Every year I would start looking for 'my angel' early and eventually I would find the one that was 'it'. Now I don't know - I am just buying the angel because she looks beautiful on my tree.
If I actually decorate for the holidays - I am sure more photos are to come ...