Life...

Once again it's Christmas.  A time of Joy for most, a time of sorrow for many.  My heart just aches for those who like us are split onto both Heaven and Earth.

Today we celebrate Jesus.  For our family, this has been a very different Christmas.  An upcoming job layoff next month put a hault on spending so we had to be creative and stretch what we had.  My kids are so resilient at this point that they made some fun new memories in the midst of it and haven't complained at all.  Our family has been through so much the past 8 years since Nate died.  It's just been one thing after another...  I'm finally at the point where I told God "What else ya got?".  Honestly, I just don't care anymore.  I know He has my back and whatever He is molding me into, it's for a reason.  Life just has to be uncomfortable for a little bit longer.  

So today, we focus on Jesus and because of Him, our church family blessed us with some love.  I much prefer to be the one doing the giving but it does feel nice to be loved on.

May your Christmas be full of Joy no matter what the circumstance is.

XOXOXO

Going for GOLD!

My twins teammate is competing in the Olympic trampoline competition TODAY!  They only pick ONE person from the US and he is it!  

Go LOGAN!!!!

not the vacation I wanted...

But it was the perfect vacation.  

Our budget is tight.  By tight,

 I mean T-I-G-H-T!  

Because of this...

and this...

and this...

and this...

Sports have consumed our lives.  It's really good for our kids but it makes taking a vacation tough.  My idea of a vacation is lying on a beach or next to a pool doing NOTHING!  Just relaxing for a week because when I am home I cannot relax.  With 5 kids and 4 sports (soon to be 5 as Brady starts soccer next week) there is no down time.  So I was frustrated that our budget didn't allow for my idea of a vacation this year.  I really needed one!

Determined to make memories we decided to drive to Utah while my hubby was working (he usually flies out there but buying 7 plane tix was not in the budget so we drove).  He worked during the week but on the weekends we visited National parks,,,

the Olympic Park...

 and had the best time...

There was absolutely no relaxation involved (unless you count a 10 hour drive) but it was one of my favorite vacations ever!  

And little Brady certainly enjoyed himself.  He's spent the past  4 years watching his older siblings get to do all the fun stuff.  Finally it was his turn.  After everyone else had a turn, my crazy 4 year old jumped off a cliff (not really a cliff but we called it that)...

and did a ropes course 65 feet in the air...

even ziplining to a platform and then jumping off all by himself (he looks like he's hanging in the sky)...

One thing that I have realized about myself is that I am crazy overprotective about my kids being in my sight at all times (especially Brady) AND driving in cars with other people (I'm very picky) but I let all 5 of them dangle on wires 65 feet in the air (I was right behind them).  Makes absolutely no sense - right?  I guess I have a lot of faith in wires and cables...


Enjoying our last days of Summer...back to our crazy school schedule next week (insert tears).

This happened...

My oldest graduated from High School this month.  It still feels like her first day of Kindergarten.  I have no idea where the next 12 years went.

I'm so proud of her.  She struggled socially (hard) the first couple of years but then met a very nice group of Christian girls with similar values and priorities.  She finished strong being named Scholar Athlete of the Year and Valedictorian with a 4.3 GPA.  She is off to play collegiate soccer and study civil engineering in the fall.  Luckily...she is only going an hour away (she got recruited by LOTS of East Coast schools but she didn't want to be far away from Brady - whew!).

Still can't believe this happened.

Celebrating some special Mama's...

Once again I was able to put together some special gifts for the Mama's at Children's Hospital Los Angeles currently fighting for their children's lives.  I always wish it was more...I want all of the Mama's walking that horrible, difficult path to be recognized on Mother's day.  I need to do hundreds.  But I am only one person and I need to accept my limitations.  God will get them to the ones that need to be honored and lifted up this Sunday.  

As we approach Mother's Day, I have so many mixed feelings.  Continued disappointment from my own Mother, heartache for all the Mama's celebrating this day without their children here on earth and appreciation for getting to raise 5 kids.  It's just not simple.  There is no card that says it all.

Hugs to all of you that celebrate this day whether it be with your children now or later on in Heaven.  

ps-  If you know a special Angel Mama please reach out to them and do something special.  Tangible love feels so good and heals the heart a little at a time.

XOXOXOXO

today is THAT day...

Today marks 8 years since Nate died in my arms.  It was a shocking, tragic day.  One that I never imagined walking through.  

Every year, I grow stronger and more capable of dealing with what this day is.  It will always mean something to the 7 of us left here on earth.  It will mean nothing to the majority of everyone else.  

To make an attempt to bring good on this day, I'm re-publishing some of the tips that I wrote 7 years ago.  If you have never walked my path, please do me a favor and read them.  I really hope that I can educate others on how to help someone like me.  It would have been sooo nice if my friends and family would have been able to hold my hand as I walked through tragedy rather than walking away.

Don't assume anything

Don't assume that someone who has lost someone is doing okay. Everyone deals with grief/tragedy differently. Some avoid, some take anti-depressants, some isolate, some are suicidal. It's really hard to judge if people are doing well or if they are drowning. 

Don't assume that people want to be left alone. You may think that they do but, this is usually not the case. You need people to support you. You need to feel loved. You need to be cared for. You need help. Groups of people can be overwhelming. But a quiet visit, a kind letter or a warm email is so helpful. 

Don't assume that they want you to report to others how they are doing. When tragedy strikes, people that aren't connected may ask those who are "how's the family doing?". Ask the family if they want you to report this information. If they don't, keep your conversations private. Tell those who ask to contact them directly. Don't encourage the isolation. Help connect them with people who care. 

Also, don't assume that their family is taking care of them or that other people are sending cards or keeping in contact. Don't assume that they have food or groceries. Don't assume that they don't need anything. Just because the family appears to have a large support system doesn't mean that they actually do. Visit them...email them...call them...ask!!! You're more likely to know what they need if you are around them on a regular basis.

Show up for the funeral

I'm sure that the last thing you want to do is go to a funeral. And you can be sure that the same is true for the family. I guarantee that no one wants to be there. No one wants to see that tiny white casket. It's sad. It's hard. The very least that you can do is support the family by going to the funeral. Even if you barely know them. It's such an important event. Just show up!

Do what you say

Don't be one of those people that has good intentions. Intentions don't help. Be one of those people that has good results.  Grief is debilitating.  If you say you are going to bring a meal or visit or do them a favor - DO IT!  Bailing, cancelling, forgetting is extremely hurtful for someone who has experienced a tragedy. Grief is like a deep dark pit that completely sucks you in. It's dark, lonely and scary. It's miserable to be there alone which is why it's so important to reach out to people that are hurting. When you are grieving, you are just trying to get through life day by day and sometimes hour by hour. 

Don't stress about doing the "right" thing

If you are uncomfortable, you're probably doing the right thing! No one is comfortable in these circumstances. It's completely unnatural. The comfortable thing to do is sit home and make excuses to yourself why you didn't do anything. So, be uncomfortable and DO SOMETHING!  We've been told dozens and dozens of times by people that they didn't know what to do so they didn't do anything. Or, they were afraid to say the wrong thing so they didn't talk to us. Honestly, some people do say stupid things and it's not helpful. But it's better to say the wrong thing than to say nothing. We needed people to support us and were willing to risk that they would say the wrong thing. It's so painful to be invisible. 

Don't say...

"Call me if you need me." Grief stricken people are way to far in the dark to ask for help. They need people to reach out to them. They probably don't even know what they need. It's much easier to say "Thanks, but no thanks" than it is to say "Does anyone care?" So call them. If they don't call back, send an email. If they still don't respond keep doing it. Don't give up! They may not be able or ready but it doesn't hurt (and even helps) to keep trying.

****"How are you doing?" This question is asked so commonly. Often times it's not sincere. Even when it is asked with good intentions, it's a very difficult question to answer. It's hard to gage if someone REALLY wants to know what you are struggling with or if they just want confirmation that you're okay (even if you're not). If you are having a heart to heart conversation, this question may be appropriate. But don't use it flippantly.  Instead, say "tell me about your day" or "Tell me what challenges you are facing right now".

"God won't give you more than you can handle." I can't even begin to count the number of times we were told this. The bible actually doesn't even say that. It says that God won't tempt you beyond your capabilities. In fact the bible is full of circumstances that are way beyond what anyone can handle.

"You're still young." That may be true but it's not comforting to someone in the middle of a deep dark pit of grief. It makes it sound like the pain that they are in doesn't matter because of their age. Grief knows no age.

"God must have a reason." God can bring goodness out of the pain and sadness. But if someone died, it's hard to see beyond the pain. Save that one for later.

"Are you better now?" Some people don't want to deal with the grief. They wait until people are back to normal to engage. People who are grieving need support when they are hurting. Run to them. If you're spending time with them, you'll know how their doing. You won't even need to ask this question.

"Be strong." People need to get the grief out. It's really unhealthy to pretend or deny the feelings. Encourage them to be weak and tell them that you'll be strong so they don't have to.

"It's time to pull out of this depression." Intense grief will last at least a year. During that time, survival day to day is all that can be expected. The second year is about learning how to go on and live life without the loved one. It's still a very tough year. The earliest one can expect to be "okay" again is two years. Of course everyone is different. But for those that deal with the grief in a healthy way, it's usually about two years and then it will re-surface off and on for the rest of their lives.

Why-

People think that they have to fix it with words. They think that if they say the right thing, they can make it all better. The truth is that rarely did someone say something that helped. The people that offered us the most support are the people that would just be there. They would listen without judging us or telling us that what we're feeling is wrong. All of these comments were said to me at one time or another. Most of them didn't hurt deeply. But some did. The ones that hurt the most were from the people that only said that one comment. When a bad comment is surrounded by tangible love and caring, it doesn't usually hurt.

Just "BE" with them

you have to RUN TO 

people that are hurting,

NOT FROM them. 

We celebrated...eight

Woke up super early to this on our front door.

and this.  And bagels and cream cheese.

I don't have words to tell you what that meant.  To feel like someone cared about our tough day.  To feel like we weren't alone.    To have someone acknowledge our son's birthday!  Huge.  Huge.  A tangible expression of love from a family that has supported us through the darkest of days. Every year fewer and fewer people remember.  We are down to a handful this year...

{HINT:  If you know of someone in a similar situation do something like this for them!)

We arrived early at Disney to get signed in by some amazing Disney employees that we met last year.  We find a lot of comfort in tradition.  Routines help with days like this as the unexpected does not bring comfort.  So...we do the same things every year...

Family pic by Nate's brick.  New bday sign this year.  Our hand-made one was retired.

It was not a blue sky morning but we sang Happy Birthday to him and let go of our birthday balloons that had all our letters attached.  I have a love-hate relationship with this tradition.  It's beautiful and hard at the same time.  A reminder of his absence and an attempt to reach out to him...

Then we enjoyed the bagels and cream cheese by Nate's brick as we waited to get signed in for the day.  Since we only visit the park 1 day a year now the kids were super excited (too many mixed emotions led to very little sleep the night before).  We planned a long day since it was not a school night and we cleared our calendars for the day.  

We did a Star Wars theme this year since we thought as an 8 year old boy he would have loved that.  My other kids sure did.

Our traditional trip to this fun restaurant for a bday lunch celebration then back to the park for a lot more rides (my kids could not get enough).

Everyone was having so much fun that I ran across the street and grabbed some dinner from McDonalds and brought it back to the park.  We always do McDonalds on his bday in memory of the weeks we stayed at the Ronald McDonald House.  However...McDonalds did not have Shamrock Shakes this year - WHAT?   Huge, huge, disappointment.  Part of our tradition was broken (thanks McDonalds).  We ate while we watched the new parade.  Cold french fries were a small sacrifice to get more Disney time in.  

We brought Star Wars plates and cupcakes and had our own little celebration.  Again...tradition brings comfort.

And...ended our night with Disney balloons that will fly above their beds during the month of March for some comfort.

We ended up spending 16 hours at the park and walked over 15 miles (according to fitbit).  The rain came during our last hour at the park but overall we had a really nice day.  His birthday is always a "heavy" day for me.  Many mixed emotions.  I love that I can look back after...when my thoughts are more clear.  Most of all I love that God has hooked us up with Disney for his past 8 birthdays.  It sure makes it easier.

Happy 8th Birthday Nate!

How can it be that you have celebrated all 8 of your birthday's in Heaven?  How can it be that we have survived celebrating all 8 of your birthday's without you.

We wonder what you would look like.  What you would be like.  Your brothers wanted to give you a Star Wars birthday because they think you would have liked it as much as they do.  So, today we will celebrate you -- Star Wars themed!

We will cry because we miss you, but we will smile because you forever changed all of our lives.  Because of you we are different.  We are learning to embrace that...one year at a time.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy!  I hope you can see our balloons and our birthday wishes from Heaven!

Love,
Mommy

the 8th time we've had to do March...

I haven't been here in a while.  I think about posting...a lot.  But then life gets in the way.  A few moments alone with my thoughts and my computer don't often happen.  Raising 5 kids requires more energy then I ever thought possible.  Raising 5 kids "well" requires more effort than I realized.

Staying on top of homework, activities, sports practices, games, competitions, races, celebrations, holidays not to mention the daily cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry that a family of 7 requires consumes my life.  Completely.

This time of year my grief also tries to consume me.  I'm getting much better at controlling it but Nate's birthday is Saturday.  There are so many other Angel moms that write blogs and books and post on social media that handle it better than me.  I constantly find myself comparing my grief to theirs.  Many of them just seem to have so much more faith than I do.  I think that my relationship with God is pretty solid but then I find myself questioning, doubting, and lacking the joy that I see other Angel mamma's have.  Why must I compare?

This week will be tough...it always is.  As my kids grow older, the physical absence of their brother becomes more apparent.  They are better at verbalizing their emotions and they feel ripped off that he is not apart of their life.  March is just always a reminder of what is missing from our family.

However, it appears that once again, God has pulled it together for us to celebrate Nate's bday at Disneyland!  The same kind people that used their employee perks to sign us in last year have once again offered to do it.  Total God thing.  I am so grateful that we don't have to stress about it this year.  It takes so much pressure off to know that we will have a good family day and being at the happiest place on earth is the best distraction from grief that I know of.

So on this bonus day of February I will prepare my heart for the month ahead.  Prayers appreciated ...also for health...the littlest has a fever and I'm praying that the sickness bug doesn't spread throughout our house this week.  Our sports,school/church schedule is maxed out for the next 6 days!  I don't have time for sickness...I can schedule that in for next week - ha!