Jealousy and disappointment vs. happiness and celebration -- who will win?

In the past, when I was struggling...this is where I would come.  Putting the words on paper (so to speak) was cathartic and feeling supported by other mama's was comforting.

But I rarely come here anymore.  Partly because I don't struggle like I used to and partly because there are only a handful of people out there that still read what I write.

But today I am struggling.  Today I will write and I will pray that as I release the words onto this document, I will feel peace...even if I don't feel support.

We have a family event this weekend that raises my anxiety to a very high level.  To this day, our family has not understood our loss.  I suppose I can't expect them to as they haven't walked our path.  However, I did hope that they would be more supportive.  Anyway...one of the children of our extended family members (that said and did some pretty judgmental things after Nate died) recently battled a brain tumor.  He won!  He survived and that is the wonderful news.  So...just as expected the family is celebrating his victory!  It's a beautiful, glorious event to celebrate the end of a miserable, terrifying year.  Another party!   That's what our family does...

It's my internal conflict that ignites my anxiety and fuels my sadness.  Of course I am happy for them.  Happy that they get the ending that I wanted.  Happy that they don't know our path.  But that happiness is marred by jealousy.  Jealousy that the support we needed is looking me in the face but rather than protecting me it is throwing confetti, smiling and celebrating the "yes" that someone else got to their prayers..  It's so much easier to be happy for someone when you don't have to be face to face with others that are also happy while completely oblivious to the fact that this event is like a sword to my heart.   Unaware of how difficult it is to be with people that don't understand who you are or what you have been through but just love to celebrate.  They are not evil, in fact this behavior is completely normal so what is my problem?  Why do I feel like they don't understand?  Why do I feel so alone and scared?

Praying for strength to look outward and not inward.  Praying for courage to look a people the way Jesus does and to be authentically happy that God said YES to them!

Eleven

Happy Birthday sweet boy!

Look for our balloons :)

2019?

A new year!
Will it be good?
Will it be rough?


I'm hoping and praying that life is getting easier and we will continue moving in a forward direction!  Only time will tell and 365 days seem like forever but the reality is they will fly by just as the last 365 days...  So incredibly grateful for these 5!

Happy 2019!

A belated Merry Christmas!

With a little help...

...from the friends that found Nate's birthday balloons we were able to bless the Mama's who are fighting for their children's lives at Children's Hospital Los Angeles this Mother's Day!!!!

These sweet Mama's drove an hour to meet with me and fill my car with all of their donations!  It was a highlight day to remember for sure!

Last year, my husband was out of work...and this year that is our unfortunate truth once again.  With a family of 7 living on ZERO income, I can't justify spending money to bless the Mama's who need it the most.  But...God knew our circumstance and he carefully placed Nate's birthday balloons onto the property of the sweetest Mama (75 miles away) who offered to help.  She went on facebook and shared Nate's story with her family and friends and those AMAZING STRANGERS donated items for our Mother's Day gift bags!

In fact..they donated enough items to double our highest contribution!  They bought enough (water bottles, BBW hand sanitizer, BBW lotion, Gum, Chapstick) to make 70...yes...SEVENTY gift bags!!!!!

My kids and I had purchased a handful of lotions during the after Christmas sales and found a great deal on those XL Chocolate bars so that we could make 5 of the same bags that we have made in the past.

So that makes a total of 75 -- SEVENTY FIVE Mother's Day gift bags this year!!!

I am so thrilled!  I just know how much that little gesture will mean to those sweet Mama's stuck in the hospital this Mother's Day.  Our family friends whose daughter, Katie is still fighting cancer delivered a few during their visit last week and they are going back again this weekend to deliver the rest.  I was told that when she handed one to a Mama with a cancer stricken toddler the Mama started crying and gave her a HUGE hug!  I'm telling you...this little gesture means so much!!!!

If you are reading this please join me in praying for those 75 Mama's.  Pray for healing for their children and pray for strength for them!!!

💝Also...remember that Mother's Day isn't a present-filled, brunch-loving day for everyone.  Many are struggling with the loss of a Mother or a child.  If you know anyone in this situation please reach out to them with some love and comfort this weekend.  

***A special thank you to all of those who contributed toward this!  It makes my heart SOOOOO happy!


#lovenatesmommy
#CHLA
#bathandbodyworks

Surviving a decade

Hard to believe the 10 year mark has arrived. TODAY is the day!  The day that he left my arms and went to Jesus.  A decade seems like an eternity yet Nathan seems like he was just here.

I don't know if other Mama's do this but every day of this Month I have moments where I keep re-living what happened on each specific day.  The worst part of it all is that I keep thinking - He's going to die in 24 days...23 days...22 days...

Like it hasn't already happened!  I mean seriously why can't I stop doing this?  March just hurts.

However...10 years later these thoughts don't consume me.  And his death doesn't define me.  BUT ...it has changed me.  I'm not even close to the person I was 10 years ago and I won't pretend to be. 

Relationships are probably my biggest challenge.  I just can't seem to connect with people like I used to.  I feel like I should but I really don't want to.  I do love to chat with the other mama's at sports and school events but it's all superficial.  I don't invest in them and I don't expect them to be my "friend".  I don't know that I can ever really give my heart to another friendship again...it was just shattered over and over again as the people I trusted and loved walked away one by one.  

Family is also still tough.  They don't understand -- and they don't even try.  Life is unchanged for them but NOTHING is the same for me.  So we have essentially agreed to just disagree.  To be pleasant when the annual family events are necessary and then to go on with our lives independently.  They rarely even mention Nate.  I grew up with a broken family and desperately wanted to provide my children with a large extended family.  I dreamed about big parties and holidays and having a loving support system.  For years I thought that I created this for my kids.  It was only after Nate that I realized that it was just a facade.  

So 10 years after I can reflect with an abundance of pride.  That first year thoughts of ending my life consumed me.  I NEVER thought I would be able to survive that horrible, intense, life altering grief.  But I did.  And I will continue to do so!

Such an AMAZING God story!

Remember these balloons?

Those balloons (which floated westward in this picture) ended up travelling 75 miles east and landed on the property of the sweetest most compassionate Mommy.  Typically we release Nate's birthday balloons/notes independently.  But this year they just HAPPENED to get tangled up and float away together.

That Mommy tracked me down by the notes (all they said was "Happy Birthday Nate" and were signed by each of our first names)...found this blog...emailed me (which I didn't get) ...so she tracked down my oldest daughter and messaged her...(who happened to be in Costa Rica at a soccer tournament)...and wanted to share that she found our balloons, read this blog and wanted to reach out!

At first I didn't know how to process this.  I never thought about someone getting and reading our balloons.  After all...we sent them up to "heaven" - right?  It was a personal and private tradition and I never imagined anyone but God and Nate getting them.

The more I thought about it-- I felt God in this circumstance.  Those balloons didn't just HAPPEN to land in that sweet mama's yard.  She didn't just HAPPEN to feel the need to connect with us.  It didn't just HAPPEN that she was able to find us despite only knowing the first names of our family.

It was a GOD story.  Like the one He gave us last March when times were tough.

This sweet mama not only gave me love and support through her emails but she also offered to help me with the Mother's Day Gift Bags  that I wasn't thinking I wouldn't be able to do again this year (my Husband's job is far less than great).  

This entire experience has brought me WAY out of my comfort zone.  Very, very few people know about this blog and only a couple of them are people that I actually know.  So when I write...I am uncensored, vulnerable and REAL.  The thought of people I know reading my intimate thoughts is quite scary.

HOWEVER...
When I started this blog I made a decision to trust God.  To write when I feel led and to trust that God will direct people that He wants to read it.  Writing had helped my grief immensely and it's so comforting to look back and see how far I have come -- but it wasn't supposed to be about ME!!!

So as I LET GO...and LET GOD I am in awe of His continued support.  This didn't just HAPPEN!