Happy New Year!

May your year be joyous and prosperous and made up of lots of what matters most!

Congratulations, Cassandra

Our amazing niece Cassandra got married yesterday in the Salt Lake Temple, to an equally amazing young man named John. We are over the moon, as she is so incredibly happy, and we love him as much as we love her! Cassandra (who is also going by Cassie these days, but darn it, I can't get used to it) lived with us for a year and so we got to see first hand what an incredible young woman she is. She excels at everything she does, be it school, sports or picking a soulmate!
Connor is particularly besotted with Cassandra, he loves her silly! He also loves John, but has a special place in his heart for his older cousin. He refused to believe she wasn't still living downstairs 6-7 months after she was gone! So of course, here is one of my all time favorite pictures of C & C:

I think he will get over the fact that she has married another, but only because of his love for John (who is teaching him high five, down low, too slow) and well, maybe one other reason. Here is my conversation with him the day before the wedding:

A: "Connor, we have to go to the store and get a wedding present for Cassandra"
C: "Because Connor and Cassandra are getting married?"
A: "No, honey, Cassandra is marrying John!"
C: "Oh" thinks about it for a second..."because I'm too little?"
Yes, my precious. I am sure that is the only reason why. We love you sweet girl and are proud of the choices you have made. Congratulations and a long, happy, beautiful life to you both.

Merry Christmas

from our house to yours....may your Christmas dreams come true. Much much love, laughter and a day that is bright!

(PS - I FINALLY got a new camera!!!! Oh, the blogging we will do!)

Kisses In the Wind

KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullaby)
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.
I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.
Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.
Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.
--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh

Saying Prayers

One of the habits we have gotten into that I just love is that we say a prayer before we leave in the morning. We take turns and when it's Connor's, Lon or I will help him out on what to say. The other day, Lonny was prompting him and said "help us to be kind to others"......which Connor translated into "help us to be kind to otters"....
Showin' our otter friends a little love!

Must Be Santa!

We went to our ward party last night (which was full to the brim with people! We have either really grown or we had a lot of special guests with us!). We ended up sitting at a kiddie table, but it was cool. That's who this is all about, right? Well the Primary kids all got up and sang a song and Connor decided he wanted to join in the fun (even though he didn't know the song and has a few more weeks until he's a Sunbeam). He took to the stage like a natural and didn't want to get off. I have NO idea where he gets that!
Serious business (btw, the kids all got colored dots to be grouped as to when they would go in and meet the special visitor in the red suit - we have not started some new Eastern culture deal where the kids wear dots on their faces, just fyi)

Connor was in the last group called to meet the Claus Family, (wouldn't you know it) but was such a super duper trooper...he didn't whine (much) or complain (so much) but sang songs and played games with the other kids as they waited for their turn. Above, he is getting his chance to meet Mrs. Claus and he is quite eager to chat her up - you know, get a feel for what kind of mood the old guy is in...should I ask for something small or Go For the Gusto!
Finally his chance to meet Santa and lay it on the line.....he gave him a big hug and then said "Santa, I want a blue watch!" I have a feeling it's in the bag, baby!

He even said thank you (work it work it Con man!) He was a little confused, because he thought he was getting the watch right there on the spot, and a candy cane is all he walked away with. He gets the gist now and we will watch NORAD track Santa on Christmas Eve (and hopefully have time for a certain Elf named Lonny to put up what Santa is REALLY bringing him (I have it on good authority he is getting the watch and something else, something big with a lot of parts that have to be put together - little reindeer whispered in my ear)....and that the Elf won't be up until 4:00 in the morning! Love seeing Connor with Santa. He still believes, and it makes me believe too. If my precious little boy can still believe in the miracle of Santa and the goodness that he represents, maybe, just maybe I can believe in miracles too. Merry Christmas my son....my teacher!

More Connorisms

Connor has given us quite the list of ideas for Christmas gifts. One of these is a watch. A blue watch. He can't tell time, and thinks the letter S is the number 2, but by golly he wants a watch. Because he has been so vocal about his wants, Lonny sat him down and told him about what Christmas really means. He explained that we give gifts of ourselves to honor Jesus and it's not all about material things (in so many words). He asked Connor what he could give to Jesus as a gift (acceptable answers: obey Mom and Dad, be a good boy). Connor says: "I could give Jesus a blue watch!"
I told Connor that we were having some pictures done for Christmas cards. Out of the blue....Con says "Jesus won't be in our family pictures. He lives in the pointy thing on top of the church - Daddy showed me!" (His father admits to showing him said pointy thing, denies saying Jesus lives there, for the record).
Connor and I were talking about how cats could be boys (our cat is a girl so he was a little incredulous). I told him I used to have a boy cat but he got really really sick and went to live with Jesus. Connor says: "Oh. Jesus came and picked him up in His car and drove him to the doctor" Mom says: "Yeah. Something like that" (I know it might be a little irreverant but I can't help picture Jesus backing out of his driveway in the steeple in a red convertible with His blue watch on and a gray and white tabby cat riding shotgun). Dad says: "We definitely need to step up the Family Home Evening lessons!".
Finally, Connor was trying to blow his nose. I would hold up a kleenex and say "blow" and he would and I would say "good job!" and try to continue on to more pleasant tasks, but he kept wanting to blow his nose. One more round of this, one more "good job" and he finally says impatiently "MOM! You didn't get the corn out!!!" I thought this an odd thing to say and asked him "where did you hear such a thing?" "Miss Arlene" (one of his teachers). I thought maybe it was some kind of code for something that quite frankly, I didn't want to be privy to. He again insisted we try again. I pulled the kleenex away just a moment too soon....just in time to see an ACTUAL KERNAL OF CORN coming flying out of my sons nose and on to the bathroom floor. I don't think I have been so shocked in my entire life-and THAT is saying something. It HAD to be there since at least yesterday (and Marcy, a certain bean story does come to mind - Lonny used it as a teaching tool, I'll have you know)
There is never a dull moment with a toddler.....

Winter Carnival

Connor, Lonny and I attended the Winter Carnival at school the other night. It is an annual fundraiser to benefit Christmas Box International. CBI provides counseling, assistance, schooling, medical and dental services and so much more to children who have been neglected or abused. But most of all, it provides them with a place of safety. For more on this wonderful organization, please visit https://www.thechristmasboxhouse.org/site/ (I have no idea why I can't get links to work anymore, can anyone help???) I am so grateful that Connor attends a school that has provided such an emphasis on serving others and the community.
Connor had the opportunity to partipate in lots of games, such as the duck pond, ring toss, ball toss and a cake walk. There was also a book fair and he snagged him a copy of a Wow Wow Wubbzy book (latest obession, along with Yo Gabba Gabba - which, I actually dig).



But the best part of all was meeting THE rockstar of Scholastic Books....Clifford the Big Red Dog!

(I refrained from posting the pictures where Connor climbs up on Clifford's lap and looks inside his eyes and yells "I can see the teacher in there!". Because it was a little embarrassing. And because it hurts just a little bit to know that he ain't buying that it's really Clifford.) We took a very tired boy home who went right to sleep. We had a great time...three cheers for Con's school!

From the TMI Department....

We are pretty excited around here....Connor pooped in the potty for the VERY FIRST TIME this morning...We are elated! High fives and hugs all around.
And like any of the greats, after his major accomplishment (literally, right after) he uttered those wise and timeless words...."I'm going to Disneyland!!!" (true story).
Truth is, he's right. Disneyland has long been a part of the "poop on our or others potty" initiative or as I like to call it the P.O.O.P incentive program. I have even had my friend's 11 year old son offer to do it for me if I take him to Disneyland, but Connor, just didn't understand the magnitude of the big prize. Thursday night, I finally wised up and showed him the website. Apparently he is a visual person because here we are Saturday morning! Not that I don't expect accidents, but, we celebrate every milestone we can get.
Now all I have to do is actually come up with the money - and decide if Disneyland is truly the happiest place on earth...or my hall bathroom!

Women of Substance

I just got some exciting news.....a version of "O Come All Ye Faithful" that I recorded with a great band I used to be with, Desert Wind, will be heard the entire month of December on internet radio! It is Women of Substance radio, and I am told that it was submitted today and picked up within an hour! It is a forum for music by women, both labeled artists and indies (we fall in the latter category). Unfortunately, I think you have to pay to be able to listen, so I am not encouraging that. Just wanted to share that I have always wanted to be on the "radio", one way or another and am very thankful that I will have a chance to be heard by so many people supporting womens' music!!
Here's the link in case you or someone you know is interested:
http://www.facebook.com/l/95daf;womenofsubstanceradio.webs.com

French Dips, Football & Fun!

There were lots of reasons to party on Saturday....Lonny's birthday, The Holy War and our new kitchen space (even though it's STILL not completely done, it looks great!). We had Lonny's family over for the party trifecta. Oh and Marcy and Ray's anniversary. Make that a quadfecta! Here are Lonny and brother Kyle REPRESENTING!

We had a great menu: We made shredded french dip sandwiches (hands down the BEST I have ever made/tasted, if I do say so myself), BLT pasta salad and one of Jill's yummy jello salads. There were tons of snacks too - no loss of game food!



Game time....got a little intense in da house....
Except for everyone's favorite bride and groom to be....Cassandra and John - all smiles (for now)
That would end soon...Team Red, well, sees RED!
Oh well, back to the fun....presents and cake!



Lonny had a great party and was completely stoked - BYU won, we had great food and an awesome time. (And although the loss by the Utes pushed my jam a tiny bit, for the record, Tennessee beat Kentucky in OT and the Vols are getting a bowl game, so I ended up pretty happy). I am grateful for Lonny, a successful party and a great kitchen to party in doesn't hurt either!

Happy Birthday Lonny

A very happy birthday (it was actually yesterday) to Lonny! You are a great husband, friend and hero! We had a great time spending the day as a family. Football, presents and Lonny's favorite dinner (bbq ribs, of course). Saturday will be the big celebration with the rest of the family....and the BYU vs Utah game. More fun to come, but from Connor and I.....WE LOVE YOU!

Er, Teeny Clarification

And it makes a LOT more sense. My gig Saturday is in the EVENING, and is NOT at the Gateway but 341 Rio Grande - the old Dumac Building. Cans of food are welcome as a donation....it's going to just be a big old jam with lots of different musicians. Sure glad I don't have to get up so early tomorrow!!

Performance

Just caught a gig for all you interested early morning risers.....I will be performing with Mike, Elaine and some of my favorite musicians from the band Ides of Soul (including Steve who does double duty as the keyboard player for Atomic Amy) this Saturday from 8:00 - 11:00 at Gateway Plaza. It is a benefit for the Utah Food Bank. When I have more details, I will be sure to post. Check the weather, though. Pretty sure it is going to snow right on our heads! But it is for an outstanding cause, especially this time of year!

Man Party

We held our first semi-official function with the new kitchen on Saturday. Even though it's not quite finished yet, Lonny hosted a "man party"! There was a big boxing match on pay per view, so a bunch of guys came over for the big fight. It was really fun to try out the new island and see how well it will work for entertaining. We had a taco bar and a brownie sundae bar and I think it was a smash! Before the fight we watched football and ultimate fighting so the testosterone was pretty heavy around here. It was a 6-1 guy to girl ratio for a while there, until Mike and Marcie came. I am grateful for my beautiful friend Marcie who not only helped bring a little girl power in the house (final tally 8-2) but also likes to watch boxing along with me...and makes me laugh!

Paradise Island

Okay okay...one more...the boys just put up the hood and I just had to share! I am driving them nuts!

Kitchen Doin's

I wasn't really going to show any more pictures of the kitchen until the BIG REVEAL but I am too excited not to share (plus, this is a way to prove to Jennine that her husband, James, is really here working and not just screwin' around!) Most of the painting is done (which I wasn't even expecting - happy surprise) but of course, being a woman and exercising my perogative to change my mind, one teensy tinsy thing needs to be changed. But I haven't just been sitting around pointing my finger either! I painted the inside of our double front doors on Saturday (ding dong the ugly brown is gone) and plan to paint the outside tomorrow. The island is well under construction and we are getting an idea of how great it is going to be. So, for your entertainment...here is a kitchen update...hot off the presses! My "Firebrick" red..matches the red tiles around the fireplace.

Front and half of the back of the island....
Two of the most important members of "Team Kitchen"!

Reflection

Unbelievably, it is November. The month of Thanksgiving and Lonny's birthday, both of which give me pause to think about what I am grateful for. It is also National Adoption Awareness month and I certainly can't let my gratitude for this wonderful blessing go unmentioned. It has literally changed my life and countless others, some that I know, some I do not. We all share a bond, one that is that of a gratitude that we are hard pressed to find the words for. That someone would perform an act of such selfless, amazing grace as to hand their child over to us to love, cherish and parent, when we could not do it for ourselves...that someone would so desire a better life for their baby then they are able to give them....well it is difficult for us to comprehend. And we have hearts that are full.

Adoption is a journey, one filled with mountains and valleys. Connor, of course, has taken us to the highest of peaks. I can barely look at him sometimes without my eyes filling up with tears (in a good way) and find myself thanking God, for the millioneth time, for this incredible little person, who I not only love with all my heart, but actually LIKE. I count him among my closest friends and I know that he was meant to be in my life. He is as much a part of me as is possible and I feel myself overwhelmed in the knowledge that not only did his birthmother choose Lonny and I, but so did he. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to us.

We have also walked in Adoption's deepest valley. It was one year ago today that a little boy was born that we were absolutely certain was meant to be in our family. It was also one year ago today that our adoption collapsed and he was taken out of our lives just as quickly as he came in. For those of you who know me well, I don't have to tell you of the suffering that has gone on this past year. Many of you have been with me when we were talking about something as innocuous as the weather, only to have me dissolve in a puddle of tears, seemingly out of nowhere. I won't lie, it has been a burden that has been difficult for me to bear. I have never known such pain in my entire life. I have done what I possibly can to get "better" and certainly some days are better than others. But all the therapy in the world cannot seem to erase the memory of holding that little boy in my arms and calling him by the name that Lonny and I had spent so much time and love choosing for him. It cannot erase all the hopes and dreams I held for that precious little one....hopes and dreams that were not mine to hold for him after all. It cannot ease the ache of my empty arms. It cannot, so it seems, put back together the pieces of my broken heart.

Some of you have noticed that our two main profiles are no longer running. There are myriad reasons for this, but mostly it has to do with a hard summer where we seemed to be getting hit with hoax after hoax after hoax. There was one in particular last July that still has me marveling at the cruelty that we human beings are capable of inflicting on one another. Sometimes, in the choppy waters of adoption, you have to come up for air. The time came for that to happen. I could not take one more e-mail inviting me to adopt one more non-existent baby. It was time to breathe. I am so thankful that Lonny and I are savvy enough to know an adoption hoax when we see one - that has come from our hours spent with the Utah Adoption Counsel, volunteering for FSA and just taking the time to become educated. My heart hurts though, for the countless couples who are desperate, just like us, but aren't equipped to know the signs.

I don't know why we had to go through this or why anybody does for that matter. I know that we aren't alone. I have personally heard of more adoptions falling through this year then ones that actually went through. And to those of you reading this that have gone through this darkness, I know how hard it is to articulate to others what it is like. The death of a dream is hard to express. There is no body to bury, there is no ritual for this, there is no Hallmark card that says "So sorry to hear of your infertility" or "So sorry your adoption fell through" - at least that I know of. There is only the promise of hope....and that one day we will understand and we will be able to say "Oh - I get it now...I now KNOW why we had to go through this" just as anyone who has been through something that seems impossible to survive. I love you, I know you and you are forever a part of my heart's family.

I have tried very hard to resolve myself to thinking we are just meant to be a one child family (some days, when there are tantrums and "accidents" and back talk, it is easier than others!). I try to think of all the wonderful advantages we can give Connor and there would be many (i.e., perhaps private school,a guaranteed secondary education, travel opportunities). I try to push away the downsides of being an only, but that is hard as I am one myself. I think about having both parents gone and having no one to recall family childhood memories with. But then I feel better because Connor is fortunate - he has a wonderful family with his surviving grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (some of whom are related, some that we have created in our friends and their children) that can provide him with that. And he can create more family for himself just as I have ( I have more "brothers"and "sisters" then I know what to do with!). I know these things. Yet somehow, I cannot get rid of this feeling that we are incomplete. And as difficult as it is for me to trust my feelings anymore, to hold on to faith for very much longer and to allow that hope into my life again , I feel so compelled to that I am finally feeling like I am ready to wipe away the tears (at least for today), say my prayers, put my hurts aside, and try again.

We are working towards getting one of the profiles back up and running. I will let you know when that happens. We are looking into alternative solutions, such as surrogacy, but to go through an agency is more expensive than I even thought possible. But the bottom line is we are opening our hearts again. Slowly, cautiously and maybe without our entire footing, but we are getting closer every day. I appreciate your prayers, your hugs, your feelings of helplessness as you watched me crumble before your very eyes (you helped, you really did). We love you and all of the support and the love we have felt. If you think you may know someone who might be able to help us with the dream of adding one more miracle to our lives, please don't be hesitant to contact us. Even if it is a tiny glimmer - that is how you build hope back in your soul again. Step by step.

And if not us, there are so many beautiful, worthy couples who just have the righteous desire of building their family. If you know someone who is experiencing an unplanned pregancy and you feel like you can, give them an ever so gentle reminder that adoption is an option. Happy Adoption Awareness month to all of us...because I would be willing to bet that every single one of us is affected by adoption in one way or another. And thank you again, for loving me and especially, loving my special, beautiful, amazing, talented, looks just like his dad but acts like his mom, ADOPTED son!One of the happiest (if not THE happiest)moments of my life. Birthmom had literally placed Connor in my arms just moments before and we were on our way home.
I have posted this one before, but it was of my all time favorites with Connor and I - and a bonus! A little good luck charm named....Hope!!!

Happy Halloween!

We had such a fun Halloween this year (even though we didn't put up our decorations or carve pumpkins due to living in the construction zone) but of course, got hardly any pictures!! I did take a few of our favorite fireman early last month, and I am so glad I did! You will notice that the Berlin Wall (or, our kitchen/dining room wall) is still up....that means they predate October! Connor doesn't mind...he went to 2 trunk or treats, and 2 Halloween parties so he scored! Hope yours was spooktacular!

Got Floor!!

I am pleased to announce that we have a floor...and a gorgeous one at that! Lonny and James finished it up on Saturday just in time for Lonny to meet me at church to help with trunk or treat and a very excited 3 year old. There is still alot of finish work to be done, painting and yes, that is my range in the middle of the floor (mama needs to cook!) where the island will be. But there is light at the end of the tunnel (and the hallway)!





PS - I am almost equally pleased to announce that our fantasy football team won again this week under my "head" management! Good times at our house!

Forgot to mention...

that our Fantasy Football team won this week (a bit of a nail biter) with me as "head" manager (Lonny has been too busy/sick/busy to monitor it) and I am pretty proud if I do say so myself. I know most of you won't care, but to me, this is HUGE. Oh yeah. HUGE!!!

Progress....

the new floor is here! Granted, it's in 32 boxes stacked up in the living room, (that I am about to turn into an end table if it sits there for too long) but it actually (Con's new favorite word btw) physically IN DA HOUSE!!

Wish I had something to talk about other than this (well I do, if I wanted to spill the beans about the give away Ginnie J is doing but I don't want to do that because I WANT TO WIN - shameless plug) but alas, I do not. Right now, this is our life! And a resounding YES to all of you who said you want to come over and see it (when it's done) because you have put up with the non-stop chatter about it. You have earned the right my pretties....

Pardon Our Dust....

Still living in kitchen madness around here....with a twist. Now Connor and Lonny are both sick...Poor guys! Only illness I have right now is my very odd addiction to Fantasy Football (I have eluded being involved with it for the 30 years, yes, I said 30, that I have been a football fan, and somehow I got SUCKED IN this year, dang it all) and a bad case of "Can't-wait-til-the-kitchen-is-done-itis". Both James and I have avoided getting this fevery cough thing so far...please hold good thoughts for us that it stays that way....and that the kitchen is done soon and poor James can see his family again!

Kitchen Update

I know this doesn't make the most riveting of reading, but you really ought to see it to believe it. If you are familiar with our house, you will be shocked and amazed. I certainly was when I walked in last night! This is probably (no promises) the last update until the big reveal, so we will get back to our regularly scheduled programming soon, I promise!
View from the hallway - if you look closely, you will see a cute boy eating his dinner!

This is the view from the sink! If you look closely, you will see James' head! And you will notice another wall gone!

Lonny estimates with all the room we have now, we will be hosting Connor's wedding reception (to which I responded by just about bursting into tears until Lonny said "Oh yeah, that's right. He is going to live with us forever..." to which I responded with a great big smile). I don't know about Connor's wedding reception, but maybe a holiday party if we get all the post construction work done on time!

Columbus Day Farm Fun!

To celebrate Columbus Day (which has not a lot to do with farms, I suppose) but mainly to get out of the construction zone, Connor and I went to Wheeler Historic Farm! We had a great time going on a tractor-pulled wagon ride, looking at all the animals (and after an incident with a bird at Kyle's house, he solemnly would warn the other kids NOT to put their fingers inside the chicken cage), going in a corn and hay maze, climbing a tree house, pretend driving a tractor AND picking out pumpkins in the pumpkin patch!!!


Meanwhile, back at the ranch.....
I now officially have no oven, stove or microwave (and they just re-hooked up the sink and dishwasher after my not-so-subtle protest) and for good measure, my shower because, hey while you are remodeling the kitchen, why not go ahead and reseal the tile??? But I am keeping my third eye on the finished product. And man, that kitchen has NEVER seen this much light! Special thanks to James for coming out from Cali to help us. OH, and for teaching my adorable 3 year old how to say "You want some of this? Huh? You want some of THIS?" and "Say hello to my leetle friend" complete with mad mug! Oh yes, I am thrilled about this!

Let the Construction Commence!!!

We are very excited to be doing a project with our kitchen that I have wanted to do since we moved in! Lonny is especially excited because a) James is here to help and b) they will be tearing out TWO walls! I am not so excited that it is going to be madness around here for a while, but can't wait for the finished project. They started the real work this morning. This time I was smart enough to take some "before" pictures (I always forget until we are halfway through!!)
First up...this wall will come tumbalin' down:

James has already started....
This also involved going into the attic and dealing with some insulation...here is one of my favorite construction guys in his HazMat suit!
And here is the cutest construction dude of all:Please say a little prayer that our project goes as smoothly as possible and that everyone stays safe! There will be more updates, I'm sure!!!