Warning: This post was written when my emotional mood is very unsettled. English is therefore quite bad, cause i'm writing in a bad state of mind.okay i am quite upset. i have an exam tomorrow and now i'm too upset to be studying, and in a way i'm kinda blaming my mum. is it wrong?
i feel her job is consuming her. I mean it's fine, i'm grown, i can handle it on my own. I don't even need her to fetch me from school. I can make my own meals, i study on my own.
BUT, it becomes an issue when everything she forgets, becomes my fault, because she doesn't recall it, and therefore, i did not tell her.
1) i don't even care about my birthday. i mean, not that i don't care, but it isn't necessary for the family to like throw a party, or give me presents. but my mum INSISTS on having a family dinner for me, and she was so excited about it. So i felt touched, and became excited too. So they said they couldn't make it on 8th, i said fine, 9th or 10th. I have plans on 8th anyway, and i was telling her how plans were constantly changing and that i was a little frustrated with it. and just now, while planning my schedule, i just asked if the dinner was 9th or 10th And she can tell me," you tell me lar. you always changing your plans." So i was like huh? My plans are always on the 8th, nothing to do with 9th or 10th. So in the midst of studying, i got annoyed, and shot back (not even impatiently but perhaps my words weren't nice enough?).
"huh, i thought you couldn't decide on 9th or 10th? you said 9th maybe shouldn't cause of ndp."
Wahh, then because of that, she went "I DIDN'T SAY BECAUSE OF NDP. I said because of national day!!! You keep changing your plans.. SO NOW WHAT? You want 9th or 10th??"
I was quite annoyed by then, cause she keeps denying stuff, and say i don't tell her properly. She herself forgets, then shoot it back at me. But i have learnt my lesson, i feel i have become a better person because i have learnt not to argue. Instead, i force everything down, and said...
"okay, i will not argue. Which day will be more convenient for you?"
i thought this was quite nice already. she still not happy, said i have a very patronizing tone. IN what way? the, "okay i will not argue?" i REFUSE to say "okay, which day will be more convenient for you" simply because that means i am wrong and she is right. That to be, is simply unjust. and i am tired of ALWAYS being in the wrong. Sometimes, i doubt myself, and upon reflection, realize i was rude or etc. But in this case, and others of course, it is just ridiculous. She's simply deleting whatever i said.
there is a difference between respect, elders, filial piety, and unjust accusations.
2) she says picking me up after school every day is a token of affection. I would certainly agree. HOWEVER, if it is going to take up so much of her time, which leads to her being grumpy, and consistently FORGETTING EVERYTHING i tell her cause she's always in the rush, WHAT IS THE POINT? i would rather take the bus home on my own. It makes no difference. Cause everytime i wait for her at the atrium, it takes so long, the time for me to go home by public transport is sometimes faster. AND it saves petrol if i take the bus. so why bother? what's the point, really? if it only makes everyone so unhappy?
I'm so so so upset as i'm typing this. I hate having bad blood between mum and me. i gave up communication with dad, cause it's really no use. At least he gave up on me too, so i don't have to constantly fight with him.
Sigh nevermind. After prayer tonight, we'll all cool off. Have a good night everyone!