Saturday, June 02, 2012 ♥
A lot has happened over this 2 months. I became very teary and depressed. I became very fearful to move on with life. It gets worse in the mornings when I am alone and start thinking depressing thoughts. I had a couple of offers and now I am back where I started. I am still not interested in what I am doing... it's like there's 2 sides inside me fighting against each other. I still do not know what I want for my career. I have lost touch with the things I studied. I can't sleep well and keep fearing of the future. I have lost my confidence and self-esteem. And I am scared to lose everyone around me.
The 9 months break has changed me. Even at work, I can't perform as well now. What is happening to me?
Friday, May 04, 2012 ♥
“You wake up everyday and work from Monday to Friday, and often, Saturday too. If you finish work early, you and your partner go to your parents’ place for dinner and see your child for a few hours. If you work late, you buy a packet of char kway teow from the hawker centre but eat it at home because it’s too warm to eat there. You’re not crazy about the job but you know that if you keep at it, you can afford a car in 3 years’ time, and in 5 years’ time, buy a condo close to the primary school you want to send your kid to. Your conversations with people are either for the purpose of networking, work, or for familial obligations you cannot avoid. On weekends, you play golf with your friends at your country club or watch a movie with your partner. Once a year, you go on a ten day vacation to New York, London, or Paris, and when your children are big enough, Disneyland.
Alternatively, you wake up and you have no idea what is going to happen today, tomorrow, 6 months or a year later. Ironically, because of this uncertainty, all possibilities exist for you. You can be the Prime Minister of Singapore, you can make a movie, you can cook a meal you have never cooked before, eat at a place you have never eaten before, you can color your hair red, you can skip instead of walk, you can volunteer at the school you have always wanted to volunteer at, you can write a book, or you can have a baby even though you don’t have a maid. You have conversations with people who set your heart palpitating and your mind on fire. Your weekday is not so different from your weekend because everyday you are thinking, creating, and more important, imagining.
Most of us recognize the first story and its pursuit of the 5 Cs of “cash, condo, car, country club, credit card.” It is the Plan, which imposes a conclusion on you, and you work in order to make all the pieces fit. A bus stop advertisement I saw recently said it best: “We spend all our youth chasing money, and when we attain it, we spend all our money chasing youth.”
A Dream, on the other hand, carries you on its wings to worlds that your heart and mind have never known.”
Quoted from Popagandhi
Totally agree with the above quote! With each passing day, it serves to remind me that my youth is slipping away from me and the realities of life catching up with me.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012 ♥
THe decision has been made. I used to think as long as the opportunity comes, I will grab it. I used to lament about lack of opportunities. But now I have 2 offers on hand, and I have to choose. I did not choose the better one. Pondering over these few days, I thought of many scenarios. What did I want in life? I realize I just wanted a stable career and work life balance. Prospects and pay were secondary. How have I changed? Perhaps is because of age? But I am still considered young. Perhaps is the lack of confidence after been out of the industry for so long. Perhaps I am one of those Gen Y type who cannot take challenges easily. Perhaps...so many perhaps....I used to admire my peers who were so sure of what they want, the earning power they had. I admire them for their courage to charge. I yearned to be like them too. But now, when I am given the power to choose, I went for the safer, less risky route. And the money didn't matter so much to me like last time. Is it because I have become numbed after the long search?
Mayb I think too much. Mayb I have an idealistic view of what I want to have which cannot never happen in real life. Human life is fragile. We only have an average lifespan of 70 years and I do not want to live my life constantly worrying about the future or my ricebowl. After so long, I am not sure what I am interested to do. Now, Having rejected the offer, I only feel a twinge of uncertainty - did I make the right choice?
It's the same for teaching. Did i make the right choice to leave? I guess I am a very indecisive person.
Sunday, April 15, 2012 ♥
Quarter life crisis..
Everybody goes thru a quarter life crisis. I thot I was out of it a year ago. But I am still in it. The feelings of uncertainty keep overwhelming me recently. Many times, I could not breathe. Anxiety, fear, stress. It reminds me of that time i used to had. I swear I dun wan that phase to haunt me again. Life is full of choices and the unknown. I come to dread and fear every step towards the future. What happen to the fearless and cheerful me? What happen to optimism? It feels weird trying to look for pieces of my life back again. Many times, I am confused by my thoughts and beliefs.
My Quarter life crisis sucks.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012 ♥
It's my 1st entry for 2012. Over these few months, I experienced many thoughts and emotions.
Now, for 2012 I just have 3 simple resolutions:
1) To be more confident, self-satisfied and believe in myself i.e. not to be affected or swayed by others' words or situation and not to worry easily
2) Go travelling (not with my family) to a faraway country at least once in this year
3) To grow myself to like my job. Stop job-hopping!
THat's it. After the quarter-life crisis, it's time I be clearer of I wan for myself and aim to fulfill the above 3 1st.
Saturday, December 03, 2011 ♥
It's Dec. What a big contrast in my lifestyle now compared to the start of the year. To round up 2011 - I just pray for God to bless me and let my wish come true.
Friday, October 07, 2011 ♥
How do I keep myself sane through all these waiting? Feel that as the days passed, I am sinking more and more into unecessary worrying and fretting.
I think my wish won;t come true - my gut feeling tells mi that. Disappointed. I know I will be even more disappointed when it really comes. Can god bless mi?
