Have fun storming the castle

In the midst of so much lately, I've come to realize a few things rather plainly and, just for fun, there have been a few items thrown in the mix just for good measure apparently. Or to make me want to rip out my hair and shake fistfuls up at the gods in an angry show of emotion. You pick.

• The coworker that left without notice a few minutes after she came to work the other day... found out she left because of a phone call threatening her safety. She feels it's because she spoke out about a certain clique. Nice. Apparently this has happened before.
• A person that I had some feelings for before I moved has been addressing me as 'dear' on a much more regular basis. Lovely, but the timing sucks and nothing would happen there anyway. Just confusing. Besides, I think I'm too nasty of late to be anyone's dear.
• The job I turned down? They want to talk with me again.
• Strangely, just this evening I was talking with someone who held a similar position with the same school. I didn't tell her anything about my offer, so she spoke freely. Not so great in her opinion.
• I swear way too much. I don't care that I do.
• I'm embracing my peculiarities more and more. Can't say I love it all, but time provides comfort in that respect. I care less and less that I open my mouth and bizarre things come out or that my thought patterns are fairly unique. Today, I can accept that I'm a bit loopy.
• For as much as I blurt out, I am content maintaining privacy by letting people make incorrect assumptions about me and not correcting them. I am becoming more vague with answers when there is no need to be. Lying by omission?
• An incredible need to go out and have a few drinks and just be a bit crazy is plaguing me. Problem is that I'm afraid I won't know how to put on the brakes. Or maybe I'm just afraid that I won't want to put them on.
• I still get tongue-tied around the odd boy; who, consequently, will be off for another six days. Ugh.

There are other things that I don't feel like getting into now but that have been flashing through the spotlight in my mind making me take notice. I'm not trying to think of them but I think this lack of decent sleep gives me more time to let these thoughts float to my conscious mind via a detour of the unconsious . Or I could be delirious and reliving a blend of B movies edited by my psyche.

That would explain all the angry villagers with torches...

Fa La La... Oh screw it, I hate all this crap.

Although difficult, I've been refraining from writing anything relating to 'holidays suck' other than a comment here or there. Well guess what? Holidays DO suck and I need to bitch about that for just a moment.

Here I sit lately, dealing with several family issues, losing a car, getting a new car, driving a rental for two days so the dealership can do all those little things on my newly acquired car that they said they would, working over, dealing with health concerns, Christmas shopping, and oh yeah, I'm supposed to actually cook something for Sunday. Typical for this time of year, right? Sleep is almost non-existant, but fine, it happens.

Until about 30 minutes ago. To save time and hassle I made an online purchase that was to be delivered, by the latest, the evening of the 21st. I figure it's a day late so I check the tracking. Well, well, well. It would appear that UPS either lost it or the driver (or someone else) stole it. What was it? A T.M.X. Elmo. I don't care who's kids these are, I am NOT going to any fucking toy store just a couple days before Christmas. Do you hear me?!? I am so pissed right now that I feel like staying awake for six hours until UPS opens just so I can stew over this and be extra cranky when I rip them a new asshole.

I really don't like holidays. Not just Christmas, any of them. Except Halloween. That's one I'm alright with, actually look forward to. But this, it pretty much blows.

Bah! Humbug!

The Ghost of Camry Past

It has happened. And not without great bouts of kicking, screaming, tears, and bartering with the devil (read: car salesman).

Chez Camry is no longer mine. I made the dealer promise me that she'd go to a nice farm and be allowed to roam free range for the rest of her days. After hearing the word 'pit' and 'Camry Heaven' my eyes sort of glazed over and I don't recall much else.

I feel guilty. Seriously. I had an attachment there. I could rely on that car more than I could most people; now I've abandoned her. Small wonder I feel so awful. *I've cried the past two days. Granted, some of that could be coming from the whole PMS issue, but I'd be like this anyway.

Buying her back is a huge temptation but if I go there and she's, uh, gone... This all happened rather quickly and I just wasn't ready to end our relationship. ~sigh~

The current vehicle? A 2004 Hyundai Sonata. If Blogger cooperates and I can bring myself to do it, a picture will follow within the next couple of weeks. **Once I stop crying. I really do hate the holidays.


* Actually, today makes day number three.

** Yes, while I realize I am having an extreme response to this, it is my response and it is valid. I happen to live my life on a cusp with alot of gray areas; one being that I believe certain inanimate objects have feelings. I'm not at all kidding when I say that. For me, the kind of feeling I'm having is like what most people would feel if they just dumped their beloved family pet off somewhere and drove away. Or even a kid you sort of liked. You know they'd be just sitting there waiting for you to come back. Except I'm not coming back. Damn it, I'm crying again. Don't worry, in January I'll be looking for a new psychiatrist as soon as the new benefits begin.

Is that what they mean by 'more bang for your buck'?

Busy. Tired. Ate some fab-u-lous truffles tonight. I mean, the kind that I'd sell a relative for. Maybe not even mine; truly devine these confections were.

Now in auto news... I've been looking for a car. One to be the next in line to Chez Camry. It's a tough call. I did manage to get a nice car to try for a day but it ended up being a no-go. Although this had nothing to do with it, I managed to experience my first blowout ever. I've had flat tires, but never a blowout. And uh, certainly not going a mere 25mph.

Speaking of cars, I saw this gem on the road the other day. The cool deco logo design made me want to learn more and this is what I found. Pretty rare given the fact that the cost is $335,000+ which gives you a monstrous monthly payment of something just under $7000. Seriously, go to the site - check out their little six minute movie. You can gaze at the panoramic glass roof, view seats with elevated foot rests, massage, and ventilation, and play with the lighting simulator. Oh, and the power. Small wonder they crank out so few of these. (And no, this won't be the car I eventually purchase!) ;)

That's all for now, sleep calls.

Sleeplessness talk to me

I'm curious how far one has to be pushed, or taken advantage of, or burdened, or generally pissed off, or gravely let down before something in them says 'enough'. See, the problem I have here is that when I do something, I really do it. None of this half-assed kind of shit. If I determine that I have indeed had enough, I need to come to terms with the fact that I will be severing not only ties to things that symbolize the only normalcy (no matter how fucked up it is) that I know, but also to things that I never planned on voluntarily saying goodbye to. At this rate, I may successfully alienate the majority of people in my life and lose the paltry amount of actual 'things' I have. Probably within the next couple of months. And they want me to be 'Christmas-y'?! I think not. Paint me green, get me a little antlered dog and find me a Who to hate.

But life changes, doesn't it? Don't they say that change is the only thing that remains the same? As much as it's true, it's a load of shit. There's a big difference between voluntary and involuntary change that I don't even want to delve into now. The problem I have with change lately is that I feel like I'm at a blackjack table run by Twisted Fate and the only words I know how to say are 'hit me'.

So, when you feel like you can't control things that way, you do the only thing you can; you start pulling away. If the only thing you can manage to do it say 'hit me' less frequently perhaps you'll get knocked down fewer times. And yes, I realize that phrase spans two meanings but get over it.

Don't misunderstand, there are things I can still laugh at and some things I can say I still enjoy. It's just that I don't trust anything anymore not to morph at any given moment. Because of that, I'm distancing myself more and more. On one hand I think it's self-preservation. On the other, I think it's just a little bit sad that at my age (ick, that sounds bad!) I still can't really believe anything. I still think of life as fluid; nothing stays, no matter what words are spoken or guarantees have been made. Problem is, I want a guarantee somewhere.

There is some form of inventory going on in my head now. I can't really stop it as the process has begun and I'm just an onlooker at this point. It's sort of like those inventory people you see in stores with their hand-held digital machines and mini magic-scanner-wands have taken over up there. Things are being sorted and whether I realize it now or not, I probably know where it'll all end up. Isn't that odd? I mean, they're my thoughts, I know whats up there, yet I feel like I have to allow myself to go through this process to come to a conclusion. Huh. Maybe that's why I have an interest in psychology; the mind is a strange place.

Just like my last mini post with the maxi title, I'll stick to saying fuck off for the time being. If I say more I'll either cry, beat someone, or short out. For once, my desire to swear at someone is actually the safer option.

A multi-purpose response for pretty much all that ails you (Or, When your post title is longer than your actual post)

I hate asking people for anything but lately I want to ask the majority if they'd mind fucking off. Is that so wrong?

Tell me where the stars sleep

Just to follow through, my gram is home and doing well. Apparently it was bleeding ulcers or something of the sort; the test results aren't back yet but she feels better. Thanks for all the good thoughts.

As far as I'm concerned, it's been an interesting couple of days. I've had some up, some downs, and a whole lot of twisty, sideways sorts of maneuvers. It never can be easy with me, can it? There's a couple things in the works but I'd prefer to keep my mouth shut until I know more.

So tonight, completely out of left field, I get an unexpected compliment. From someone I don't even know. Well, I was introduced when I first started but to be honest, I never bothered to remember his name (or many others for that matter) because I was sure I'd be gone by now. Anyway, we say hi when shifts change, but that's about it. So I'm kind of hanging out talking to the odd boy and another pharmacist when this guy gets there. Eventually he just looks at me and asks me when I'm going to change and work his shift. I sort of chuckled and let it go. Then he proceeds to tell me (and the two pharms) how he was assigned to check my work one day and at first he was dreading checking 'the new girl's' work figuring there would be a fair amount of mistakes. Makes sense to me. Turns out, as he so proudly told the other pharms, I didn't have a single error and had done it perfectly. I assured him I'm not always error-free but he insisted how impressed he was. When I went in the IV room before leaving, he asked me again - he's serious about this! He said he needs someone good like me, someone that knows what they're doing. Wow. Now for the really weird part. Before I left I looked at his name tag and this is the pharmacist that some of the techs were really having a problem with. They say he's bossy, bullies people, never says anything nice, and tries to intimidate people. Well, I have nothing to go on so I can't agree nor can I defend him. All I can say is that I'm glad I made a positive impression on him. And I didn't specifically set out to do so.

Now, if I can only find a way to do that with the odd boy, make a positive impression, I mean. Not sure how to accomplish that when I actually get a bit nervous around him. Oh well. *sigh*

I'm still not feeling comfortable where I am. Numerous reasons come to mind. I'm just not ready to give up on it all yet, although sometimes that is precisely what I feel like doing. When all is said and done, I think I'll try to stick it out at least through the holidays, possibly out of sheer spite or a stubborn streak the size of the Atlantic seaboard. Of course, next week I should find out what my preliminary six week review tells me. That might have alot to do with the way I proceed. I don't know what it is here but it's not a good fit in a very peculiar way. Usually, I go in, no matter where it is, and the fit is fine. This is like trying to run a car on turnip juice. But if I deem it a worthy cause, I am just stubborn enough to make that turnip juice work. I guess I just have to decide.

Time to get some sleep. I bet even the leeches are all snug in their beds... although, I feel a bit guilty; I never said 'bye' to them tonight. No, seriously, it's things like this that keep me up night...

Meet my Mojo...

Today has brought with it the unexpected (and unwanted) surprise of my Gram going to the emergency room at the hospital. I think she'll be alright but it's upsetting nonetheless. She's being admitted as I type this. At age 85, these things become more serious.

As I sat on the edge of the bed just thinking about the situation, I felt something tickling me. Enter stage right: Mojo and what have to be some of the world's biggest whiskers. Yep, that's my boy; those whiskers get to the destination before the rest of him. Soon to be 12 yet often acting like he's two, he always makes me feel better.

Proof that I do indeed have 'mojo'...

Like I said just last night in the post, I have to draw my own attention to good things when everything else seems to have gone a bit nuts. Blogger must even know this because this is the first time it's let me post pics, well, since the last time I posted pics, I guess, and I've tried numerous times. How's that for logic?

Ok, off to call and see how my gram is doing then to work.

Loosely reconditioned

So. I think I'm going to take this post in a couple of directions. Some good, some, well, let's just say Hallmark won't be contacting me to write cheery verses for cards anytime soon. I just have a bunch of crap in my head and it's time to let a bit more out.

Let me vent on the weird stuff then I'll get to the good parts, which are relative anyway. Just to have it said, when I say some of these things, there is little emotion attached; enough to know it's me, not enough to make me drive off a cliff. Yet a variation of that crosses my mind frequently. Not really the end result I want, I'm just looking for some sort of pause button. Much of this, I'm supposing, I'm turning inward because I don't really want anyone to actually see that I'm not able to get a grip on things at the moment. This has manifested with some peculiar physical symptoms but I'm not too worried because, well, I know me. If, when things normalize (again, relative) this is still going on, I will see the doc and get all sorts of as yet unknown bizzarro tests to see what's up. I'm feeling so displaced of late, partially because I'm staying with mom temporarily in her one bedroom apartment and partially because this job was most certainly narrowly bumped out of the running for one of Dante's circles of hell. It's not all bad but it sure as hell isn't what it was supposed to be. Can't really look for a place to live unless I know I'm staying at this job. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't walked out yet other than sheer stubbornness and general shock over how things have turned out. Although not all relating to the job, let's not forget the giant cockroaches, looming lawsuits, people not backing financial deals, I'm getting hugely conflicting vibes from some people and frankly, I'm getting a little pissed off. Oh, and let's not forget the holidays are coming. We won't discuss that now. You want to know one of the biggest fucked up things? Ok, usually I'm the Grinch at Christmas, but tonight I saw people had their yards decorated with lights and instantly got pissy and irritated. It occurred to me in that moment that although it irritated me and I knew that wasn't going to be me, I also knew that if I had those things, I'd feel guilty for having them thinking that someone else was more deserving or needed it more. So now, in addition to hating it because I just do, now I feel like I should avoid it because of guilt? That's just fucking weird. Weird, weird, weird. Maybe that's why I've been avoiding most eye contact with others and lying about some basic things. I think I'm afraid someone will catch on to the fact that something isn't quite right with me.

Now that we've determined I'm weird, I did promise a mention of good things. I got an email from a pharmacist I worked with in Pittsburgh that resigned a few weeks after I did. Anyway, she's thrilled with her move and excited to talk to me as soon as our schedules permit. It reminded me that some people didn't believe the crap that was going on there and for a moment, there was relief. Just knowing my family is happy that I'm here is a comforting thing and I realize it in little ways all the time. Even when I'm irrational, they don't all ditch me like I once thought. They still may not 'get' me, but hell, half the time I don't get me either. Tonight I got to work with the odd boy with the fabulous eyes. Well yesterday, too, but I think tonight I spent more time observing him without staring like the stalker I wish I had the energy to be. We had time to talk and be silly, which was very good for me. I want to know more but I'm not sure why, it's like I'm fascinated by him. Anyway, I enjoy the distraction and in these strange days when positive things are at a minimum, it counts for alot. And my best bit of good news is that I had the luck of running into a friend online that I haven't talked to in some time. He's been rather busy and I've been, well, moving, schedule changes, slight psychosis - anyway, although brief, our chat made me realize how much I miss him and how grateful I was for that opportunity. He's a joy to know and has truly helped me through so much since I've known him and even though I feel like I'll always fall short in reciprocating, I'll never stop trying.

Many things in my brain may be twisted (we all carry that gene!) but I do still try to see some positive and draw my own attention to it. If not, the other crap would bog down my brain and make it too easy to forget how to ever see the good things. Speaking of good things, I'll visit you all when I wake up. Now, time for bed.

I build my canopy of steel

I've realized that it is apparently my lot in life to be the trouble child. To be the one with bizarre occurances, situations and problems that most people just don't have. Sometimes I find it funny; I mean what are the odds of so many things happening to one person? Other times it really wears at me. Especially when there is nothing, or next to nothing, to balance it out.

The things that used to provide that balance are falling away. Some slowly, some at a pace more rapid than I am comfortable with. Am I pondering this in some sort of introspective silence? Yes. Am I a little depressed? I think so. Am I angry and pissed off? Yeah, you could say that. What do you do with a life that has, after all your efforts, knocked you down and laughed in your face?

These are rough days folks. So many things but they all amount to nothing in the end. My smile is usually fake and my answers are lies. But no one sees through that so I keep going with it. I listen and know where to laugh, so I do. I sense the questions to ask, but I care little about the answers. My interest in things is mostly self serving; if I know how and when to show interest, the conversation and interaction will end and I can be excused - and end the pretending. Instead, I live in this world in my head that doesn't exist; one where real conversations are possible and not every outcome is set there to mock you. If all the world is a stage, I think I may have been cast a fool.

This would be a great time to have a pause button for life. Something went wrong and I need the time and space to trace my steps to see where that happened. I don't think there is an easy fix for this, though. Even if I identify where things took a bad turn most recently, it won't give me the opportunity to undo it, just to learn from it. But I think I need some sort of quick fix, something real and good, something that won't be just a memory in a day or two. I won't stop trying to figure this all out, but it would give me something to help keep my head above water, no matter how small that quick fix may seem. Problem is, I'm beginning to think that I may not deserve it.

On that note, I have to go get ready for work. Here's a great song by Catherine Wheel that I used to absolutely love back in the mid 90s. They never really gave it much air time but they should have. The video is kind of typical for that era (read: concept/blech) but the song is still amazing. Go, check it out, it may remind you of something long forgotten.

One more listen and I'm outta here.

And she comes out swinging

Public service announcement.

People suck. They mislead and lie. Well, in fairness we all do that to some extent. But I'm not talking about the normal kind that may save a friend's feelings or that sort of thing. I'm talking about the shady, slimy, manipulative kind of lies and style of misleading that can get your ass slapped with a slander lawsuit.

I've never sued anybody nor do I wish to, but let me tell you here and now that I won't let this go on. I've formally filed a complaint (to which they appear stunned outwardly yet their catty remarks make it back to me via a very long grapevine) in the most calm manner possible. After all, I don't want to appear to be the crazy one, and in this case, I'm not. I think I did well actually. Hopefully after a bit of bitching, The Coven will have this out of their system and things will die down. If not, the gloves are off.

Few people know this about me but the ones that do probably wish that they didn't. Don't start with me, not on something like this. I will dig in so deep and in so many ways you more than likely won't be able to comprehend how one person could be so tenacious. Think I'm kidding? Try me. I refuse to let someone's indifferent lack of morals destroy my personal integrity.

When people tell you that this is your boss, parent, doctor, therapist, good friend, etc, you don't have to take everything they tell you. It is not a requirement to believe every steaming pile of shit they try to feed you. Think for yourself. You know what is and isn't right 99% of the time. Don't hold them in higher regard than you do yourself; a title means nothing when it comes to what is right. It doesn't make them better than you.

Never let anyone else dictate how others see you. Never.

The dual meaning of the phrase 'lack of taste'

I just need a moment here to reflect on how wonderful the human species is. Ok, moment's over. know why? 'Cause I was lying. I'm sick with some sort of allergy/sinus deal (nothing new) and am experiencing cramps that could knock over a professional wrestler. The thing that pisses me off more than anything, even more than the pain of either affliction, or the amount of drugs I have to take or how my friggin nose hurts from blowing it so much, or my new talent of being able to juggle four nasal inhalers (really, four)... is the fact that I have no sense of smell or taste. Well, that's a lie - it's about 3% of normal capacity. Let me just tell you that it makes eating thoroughly revolting. Texture but no taste, or, a miniscule amount of distorted taste. It's just gross, period. Blech. But lately that seems to be the theme - some kind of distorted taste. At one point I apparently found certain people appealing in whatever way. Now, it's as if they've pushed a button and it's annoyed me to the point of wanting nothing to do with them. Most of these people have in fact done something to irritate me, although some I'm just wanting to do away with for, well, no good reason. Look, I know I'm sick and am suffering bloodloss akin to the lopping off of an appendage sans tourniquet, fine. But you know what? All that aside, I think I've just had it with humans lately. I turn this corner periodically so it's no surprise to me, but it really is sort of disappointing and alienating in a way. Then again, if they weren't idiots, or could alleviate my cramps, I'd go much easier on them. Until that time, off with their heads!

A kiss 24 years in the making...

Or maybe 23, either way.

Flash back to 1982 when a young LiVEwiRe meets a nice young boy named Matt. She is in the seventh grade in a new school and is completely taken with this boy. Throughout school, paths cross but nothing really happens. Jump to about six or seven years ago when we meet up again after not seeing each other for 10 years. Hugs, a kiss on the cheek, and several conversations but nothing more.

Until Saturday night. Twenty four years it took for those kisses to become real. Yeah, it's a bit surreal. But they were very, very real.

I would very much like a repeat of that moment. It took 24 years, but in a way, it was worth it.

The simple rules of driving

I'm not one to believe that people should all do things alike. Other than the fact that it would just be creepy, one way doesn't suit all people or situations. Having said that, there are a few exceptions - one being driving.

Really, what in the hell is wrong with people? Having just left the supertight, confined spaces I was just in I find that I've traded it for the high-speed version. Last night as I was leaving work, a van two cars in front of me decided that when you see police officers on the side of the road with their lights on, the appropriate action is to slam on your brakes effectively taking you from about 70mph to 50mph in a matter of seconds. This poses a few problems. Most of them coming from the distance (or lack thereof) between vehicles. See, in this impatient society we feel that being eight feet closer to the vehicle ahead of us will prompt them to move out of our way so we can have the road all to ourselves. We're all delusional but we repeat the same behavior every day. Anyway, it is inevitable that during these high speed gridlocks, someone will mess with the flow and hit their brakes. So much for the drive it like it's hot theory. It is also a given that a driver will take their eyes off the road for a moment, to change the song, peek at their kid, check their gas gauge, or any number of things. That is the dreaded combination that ended in a serious driving woe yesterday. When the jackass in the van hit their brakes, we all had to follow suit (like a domino effect) to avoid hitting the person in front of us. Once my car was back under control, I looked in the rear view mirror to see that someone must've looked away for a moment, forcing them to lock their brakes, do a total 180 and slide sideways right into the police cars.... oops. I have no idea how things turned out or if anyone was seriously injured but nothing was on the news so perhaps it looked worse than it really was.

People. I implore you; do not be a stupid driver. Weaving in and out of traffic so close that you shave off their bumper stickers is not good. Nor is foregoing the use of signaling devices. For shit's sake, you don't have to pay extra to use them, they came with the car - use them! Same goes with your headlights. Driving excessively slow is also a no go. The tortoise may eventually get there, true, but if you are in front of me and constantly driving like you are searching for an address in a foreign land, I'm sure to jump you at the next stop sign. One last thing. If you have a standard shift car and insist on downshifting all the time instead of applying the brake (giving me lights as a warning), eventually, I will rear-end you. On purpose. See, it takes a second to realize that you are slowing (hmm, to a stop?) in front of me - remember that critical second in the above scenario? Look, you're the one that bought the car with an extra pedal, so use it, use the damned clutch if you have to and stop being so lazy!

Of course, no one ever admits to being an idiot driver. To make it easier on myself while on the road, I make sure I add in lots of singing along to CDs or the radio, pretty much as loud as I can. That's not so bad because even at my ripe old age (haha) I have a tendency to turn it up loud enough that my ears go a bit numb when I finally shut it off. Occasional car-dancing is acceptable when a good song is on. Headbanging is suitable for many situations as well. It passes the time and keeps me in a much better mood than I'd be in if I were to pay attention to so many of the fools out on the road.

Now I'm off to my Gram's for a bit and possibly Pittsburgh on Saturday. I suppose I just like to torture myself. I mean, I have nothing to do there, no real reason to go, I just want to see how I feel. Will I find that I really miss it? That should be a good indicator for how I feel about things here. To be honest, I still have no idea what in the hell I'm doing. Half the time the job is just 'ok', about 30% makes me want to hurt people, and 20% is good. And the good part is probably when I go away in my head for a bit. Meh. On the bright side, I got to work for a while with that guy I mentioned. He's rather odd. I like odd. He's a good distraction, for now anyway. ;)

Close my eyes, I become the sky

I'm still working on getting around to all the blogs I usually read. I haven't been able to comment everywhere but I'm still making rounds. I'm just saying that it's really great to be back to something that I find so normal.

In other news, it's not looking good. I'm still trying to come to terms with things and figure out what will be a wise 'next step'. You'll know soon after I do. I tell you all things before I tell the non-blogging people in my life. There are so many things that are all twisted now but for some reason I'm dealing with it better than I thought. Don't get me wrong, I'm hovering between being pissed off and let down (among other things) but for the most part, I'm dealing with it in a matter of fact way. Kind of like... Yes, it's a matter of fact that this blows, guess another decicion has to be made. Joy. I never said I was all sweet about it; who would I be without just a dash of bitterness, eh?

Be happy for me... I should only have one more week of having to get up at 4am as training will be over and I'll be an official employee. Well, at least until I give them my notice. Ahem. Yeah, this 4am thing is some form of torture, I'll tell you! It was only a month ago that I was going to bed at that time!

A nice bonus during this very weird time is that there is a boy at work (ok, so he's like, a 27 year old pharmacist, not so much a boy) that has eyes that literally captivate me... soon he'll be thinking I'm a stalker or something but I really can't help it; I catch a glimpse and can't break away. I can't really explain it but it's like comfort in a glance. I'd have to say that's the best part of my days. Oh...
and maybe the discovery of the leeches...

Hope all is well, I'll be back soon! ;)

You had me at 'Atomic Dog'

Hooboy. Things rarely go as planned, do they? And even if they do, and you weren't expecting it, they still haven't gone as planned. Right? Right. Anyway. More on that in a second.

It's going to take me some time to get back into the swing of blogging for a couple of reasons, but I'm looking forward to catching up on what has been going on with you all since I posted at the beginning of the month. It may take me a while, but I'll be sure to stop in and say 'hi' over the next week or so.

So, I moved. Said move entailed a leaking car radiator (which has since apparently stopped leaking), a second fuel line leak (which I opted to fix as opposed to flirting with unintentional combustion), more tears and sobbing, many days debating which job to accept and some minor exhaustion that never fully left. But enough of the positive. Ahem. All I'm going to say about this move at the moment is that I'm not sure I did things the right way. Or should have done them in this manner. Something is off kilter somewhere and I've yet to figure out where. It's ok. Things will smooth out soon or I will quit my newly acquired job and move again. Worse things have happened and I'm rather certain worse things will happen; it's called life. All I'm saying is that for everything I worked so hard for, for all of my efforts and risk taking, for all the faith I had to have in myself and others, well, it may not have had the ending I'd hoped for. Part of me feels utterly drained. The other part of me just feels like I can handle it if it all falls through because I've already spent so damned much time fighting with this that I could just about wash my hands clean of it all even after the fact. We'll see. I should know more in a week or so. For now, the most positive thing I can really say is that I've quit smoking for three weeks. But that's a good thing, so be happy! =) Something must be wrong with me; I choose one of the toughest times in my life to quit smoking... perhaps I really am a glutton for punishment.

Which reminds me, if anyone has the song 'The Glutton of Sympathy' by Jellyfish, feel free to email it to me. Same goes with 'Being Simple' by The Judybats, but now I'm getting selfish. I need that Jellyfish song but keep forgetting to order it. Apparently I've forgotten repeatedly since it came out in the early 90s - gotta work on my memory. But yeah, the Jellyfish song... it's amazing.

And one last thing that I want to include in here tonight. I got a call early Saturday morning telling me that a friend of mine had died. He was shooting up cocaine and died of an unintentional drug overdose at the age of 29. I did alright with it until this afternoon when I heard Atomic Dog on the radio and it made me think of all our crazy nights at the bar, how I was one of a few that caught a glimpse beyond the partying persona, for as much of an ass as he could be at times, he was just as sensitive underneath. We were sort of an item for a while, but that was a long time ago. Even so, time doesn't diminish love for a friend. Tommy my friend, may you find the peace and love you were seeking.

That's all for tonight.
xoxo

S-T-R-E-T-C-H!!!

Man, it's been ages since I've been here! Although I'm not really sure this counts as I'm just floating by to say hello and let you know that I should be back in a few days with a real post.

As opposed to this fake one.

Until then, be well.

Happy Trails...

This will be it for a little while. A few days, two weeks, a month, hard to say.

I've just completed my last day at this job and have no friggin clue what is going to happen next. Right now I'm too tired from packing to even care much. I can care tomorrow. Or the day after that.

Now I finish packing, cleaning, moving, etc. and start on a new path. Hopefully I'll get a little rest before it all begins. This has been taxing on unforeseen emotional levels and I'm just worn out.

Be well my little bloglings. I'll see you all soon enough. ;)

Tug of War

As promised, I'm back, but not for long. Just to say this up front, my internet service will most likely be cut off on Friday and I have no idea when it will be back on. Might be two weeks, might be two months. Until then I'll try to check email and do an occasional post from the library IF I can remember my Blogger passwords. Either way, I'm sure I'll get a post in before my service gets shut off. Things have been nuts here and I really haven't been able to do much in the way of reading your posts and even less in the way of commenting.

So, about the dilemma and disappointment. The disappointment is still there although it's a tiny bit better. There's still this heavy, hollow feeling I'm experiencing and I have to say, I really don't like it. As for the dilemma, it sort of got worse, but then today, something else happened to turn things in another direction. I'm being pulled in different directions and originally, it was devastating, now it's just 'different' due to the most recent changes. What it all comes down to is that my last day of work is Friday, I'm moving this weekend, and I still have no idea which place I'm working for. It could still be both, but most likely I'll have to choose. Each one offers something that the other doesn't.

Leaving Pittsburgh is proving to be emotionally draining. It's sort of like a triple whammy. I'm saying goodbye for now, and that kind of triggers memories from the last time I left, and that sets off the chain of events that reminds me of leaving when I was young. I won't lie, I've been a crying, sobbing fool. But I do know that even though this is difficult, I'm doing it for all the right reasons. Even so, it's akin to giving up a security blanket. There's not a damn thing I can do to make the emotions stop but I'm ok with that. It's all part of the process of letting go.

On the brighter side, I went to the National Aviary with a friend on Sunday and enjoyed it immensely. It's been more than 16 years since my last visit and I got to reconnect with some old feathered friends. Oh yeah, and one special one 'connected' with me in one of the free flight rooms. Hey, some people say that's good luck - I just thought it was a bit messy. Meh, at least it wasn't some huge Condor or something. I'd post bird pics but Blogger won't let me. Again. I think my favorite there is the Tawny Frogmouth. They are completely odd looking yet adorable at the same time and their camoflage is amazing; they blend right in with the tree. My other sweetie is the African Grey. That is just one gorgeous bird, and probably smarter (videos!) than alot of humans I know. Of course knowing their lifespan, I'm convinced the AG I saw Sunday was the same one I used to spend time with over 16 years ago. So of course, that made me cry more. Eh, what can I say.

There you have it. The little update that could. Anyway, go check out those videos of Oliver!

On my way out, how strange how you're not with me...

Well, he's right, I did feel it slip away.

He meaning Matthew Good; the words are from Tripoli and there's a fantastic live acoustic version here that I've been listening to.

It suits my mood. I'm not even going to talk about the previous post because things are still undecided and (^) I'm waiting for more information to make said decision and nothing is cooperating. I need to avoid thinking too much about it.

What I want to address is totally different. It's about disappointment. Today was an ending point for something and all parties involved knew it was coming so it was no surprise. Emotionally, it was difficult for me and has been over the past few days leading up to it; just the anticipation I think. Let's just say that I made my thoughts on the matter known and the other party just dropped that ball. Ouch. This was significant. I know it was to them, too because they've said as much in the past but when it came down to the wire, when it really counted, they froze. Nothing but a general off-handed comment while looking down at their shoes.

So here I sit, feeling so let down. I didn't expect anything in particular, just acknowledgement, hell, even by Hallmark you can't find your own words. But nothing. It was like a punch in the gut. I was already too worn out to cry and too tired to hit something. So I sat there, numb, surprised and amazed at the outcome in general. Which was, for anyone that missed it, nothing. A relationship that has been in place for almost a year was punctuated with an awkward silence. I just feel weird and really don't get it. From several angles, disappointment reigns at Chez LiVEwiRe.

(^) When you saw that symbol, I just happened to get a phone call from this person thanking me for the wonderful letter I wrote them. I sort of played it off but then when I saw an opportunity a few minutes later, I made it known that I was aware that they didn't even have it in them to write down a few words on a post-it note, speak to me directly about it, or even acknowledge it in any more than a half-assed way going out the door. As disappointed as I was, believe it or not, I was not accusatory in tone. It was more lighthearted although that's far what I'm feeling, I just didn't want to be hurtful to them because I was feeling hurt. And so we continued talking, about several things. For 36+ minutes according to my cell phone. WTF?!

Look, this person is very important to me. And whether they can verbalize it at the moment or not, I know it's reciprocal. Which is why I'm so confused and let down by their behavior - or lack thereof. Sometimes I just hate humans. We suck.

I'm disabling comments on this one. Between this and the last post topic, I'm seriously tapped out emotionally. I feel like Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping when she tells Bill Pullman "If you come back on Easter, you can burn down my apartment." It's not that I don't care what anyone has to say, I just need to turn around and close the door for a while. I'll be busy with my last week of work here, packing, and tying up loose ends. That'll either distract me or set off another phase, hard to tell.

Back in a few days, until then, it's Tropoli for me. Where has my head gone, indeed...

Where did the fucking rug go?!

An hour ago, the rug was firmly in place under my feet. One phone call later and it's gone. I can't even see it anymore. Or maybe I can't see it because my eyes are red, puffy, and brimming with tears; hard to say.

This is why I don't let myself get excited over things. The moment I do, it seems to trigger a crumbling process. I'm being backed into a corner. I have to make a choice that I don't want to make. Furthermore, I don't know how to choose. Nonetheless, I have to do it quickly.

I didn't see this coming. I've been blindsided by my own hope. Did I mention I don't do well with change? Or shock and disappointment?

Watching your efforts circle the drain is not a good way to start the day. What foolish part of me tricked my brain into believing I could have something I wanted? When I locate that part, I'm going to stomp it to bits because this really sucks.

Can you hear me now?!?!

I find this funny. No really, I do.

As you may recall, the house I live in (well, for another two weeks) burned badly two years ago. When repairs were done, everything had to be up to city code. My landlords (smart people that they are) really went all out and got heavy fire doors and a smoke/fire alarm system that would frustrate any pyromaniac or arsonist-in-the-making. The smoke/fire alarm system has two detectors in my apartment, one in the lower hall, one in the upper hall and two or three in the apartment above me. When one goes off, it's set to trigger the other ones so that if a fire would start in one apartment and that tenant wouldn't be home, the tenant in the other apartment would have ample time to get out before flames were lapping at their toes. Pretty nifty system.

Or so I thought. The things started going off at unpredictable intervals last night. It escalated throughout the day until the landlord came over and yanked a couple of wires temporarily. He's an electrician. He knows what he is doing. Or not. I came home from work around one in the morning and I could hear these mechanical bastards squealing out in the street! It's now almost three in the morning and every once in a while they pipe up again anywhere from five seconds to about a minute in duration. I'm quite sure there will be many a confused corpse in nearby cemeteries waking up if this continues. Surely this sound is at least 60 decibels beyond that of Paris Hilton getting booed off stage.

I am moving soon. In addition to working, I have at least 600 phone calls to make (not easy to do with banshee-like squealing in the background) and half as many appointments to keep within the next two weeks. There is packing to be done and cleaning to accomplished. A little rest is all I really want at this moment. Instead, I'll most likely be ordering a Miracle-Ear from some early morning infomercial.

No really, the timing is funny. The pain in my ears, not so much. Moral of the story: never believe a landlord with a beer in one hand who is yanking wires with the other telling you the problem is fixed.

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Tums

Based on my last post, you may know where this is going...

Yes, I have officially begun the 'freaking out process'. It would be an understatement to say that I do not do well with change. Wait, that's not entirely true; there are moments when I sail through things and even surprise myself. This just isn't one of those times.

Even though this process has begun and it's all normal and easily explained, it still sucks. Plain and simple. Of course I'm nervous about the major changes ahead, but I will cope; I'm too stubborn not to. The problem at this point in time is that I've begun the mourning process. Mourning what could have been, what was supposed to have been. I may be excelling at this because today I went to drop off my perscriptions and burst into tears realizing that it would be the last time I did that here. Now, as we all know, my perscriptions are very important but that scenario doesn't quite warrant sobbing.

I'm realizing that the next couple of weeks will hold alot of 'lasts' for me. My move here was supposed to be a new beginning and a short nine months later I find myself closing up shop. Part of me feels like I failed. Logically, I know I haven't, but we're talking about emotions and feelings here. This is the general area where I was raised as a young girl then came back to go to college the first time. I have always felt like this was my home. It still is, I guess, but there's a part of me that feels like I must be lacking something major to not be able to make it here - in my hometown.

Geography doesn't have much to do with it, but knowing how much I wanted this to work out leaves me feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad - you name it. Some of it is directed at myself, the rest is circumstantial as far as I'm concerned. I'm making the move back to Ohio for a better opportunity. Which is precisely why I moved here in the first place. See the connection? Part of me fears that the same thing could happen. And you know what? It could. That's just life. But again, that's the logical thinking part of my brain. And it doesn't appear to be winning the battle at this point.

The rest of my brain is getting scarily emotional. It's hard to focus on one new beginning when all you see are ends and 'last times' and goodbyes. Pretty crappy ratio if you ask me.

I took a break from packing last night and watched Benny & Joon. A pleasant distraction and proof that I can still laugh. I mean appropriately, not like, at lawn chairs or the letter 'M' or something. Today I think I'll just sit here and chain smoke until I make myself sick. I really can't think of much else to do. My brain is full.

I can hardly wait until PMS hits midway through this. That should make things really interesting.

So, I can finally spill it...

Drumroll please...

HU&W situations 1 and 2 are now under control. Well, actually, the ride is just beginning. Here's the scoop in a nutshell.

I'm moving back to Ohio. I've been offered a job with the hospital I turned down three months ago. In addition to that, and more importantly, I will have a second job. I had no hand in finding this job, they emailed me and asked me if I'd be interested in applying. Within a month, I will be the new Instructor for the evening Pharmacy Technician program at a branch of the school I attended a few years back. I'm really excited about that!

As it stands, I'll be working about 56-60 hours a week so it's going to be difficult; I'm not fooling myself. I've had an interest in teaching adults for years now and the opportunity literally fell in my lap, as they say. How could I pass it up?

Both opportunities presented themselves within just days of each other. I've been doing alot of hard thinking but the offer from the school became official today. I composed my resignation letter for my current employer and left for work a bit early to take care of that. Even though I'm excited, it's still a change and therefore my nerves had my hands shaking like I had six double espressos for lunch. After all that, my boss had the nerve to leave early today... so she never got it. Well, at least I know what she'll be reading first thing in the morning.

Ok then. It's been posted on my blog. In my mind, that makes it official. =) Hey, come to think of it, other than my mother, you guys are the first to know - even before my employer or the rest of my family! Oh how I love thee, my little bloglings!

Unexpected pleasantries

You know how we all have our things to deal with; some include jobs, kids, families, illnesses, financial concerns and those general crummy days that seem to weigh you down? Of course you do, we all have them. Then you also know how every once in a while there's a little gem that shines and you feel like it's just for you, no matter how small. It makes you feel special, like you were part of a sweet, singular moment in time that, for an instant, made everything else drop away.

As I left work and pulled out of the parking lot tonight, there were five deer nibbling on grass at the gate; two adults, three much younger although none young enough to still have spots. The closest was at a distance of 12 feet with the others being no more than one or two 'deerlengths' beyond. My window was down and I gasped out of sheer surprise. Deer are not what I expected to see on the South Side amid all that congestion even though there are some trees nearby. I thought my lights and general presence would frighten them off but they were so calm. They looked at me with as much interest as I did them. One of the adults tried to walk in front of my car, toward the traffic and I moved my car forward a couple of feet with hopes of deterring him. Instead of running, he studied me. Really studied me. He took a few more steps and I moved my car up again. He turned to face me and eventually sauntered back over toward the others. I figure he was wondering what in the hell I was doing. I'm sure it was his turf and I must've appeared pretty nervy but if he would have gone much further, the outcome may not have been pretty. I had the chance to sit and watch them, and yes, I talked to them. I can't help it. I talk to all the animals I see. Silly as it may sound to some, that was really special for me. Deer aren't the most relaxed of animals and for them to be aware of my presence and still go about their business (while I was so close) is exceptionally cool. Me, I love animals. Probably more than people for the most part. For all of an estimated two minutes they were the only thing on my mind. They were my little gems. Everyone needs that now and then, no matter what form it comes in.

Of course, now that I think about it, they have a camera in the parking lot. It will most likely look like I'm talking to the security gate arm and erratically pulling my car further up. I'll appear certifiable! Heh. Cool.

Confliction

That's not a word, is it? But it should be. In my mental dictionary it shall now officially be a word, basically used as, "I am feeling confliction over (enter circumstance here)." I like that better than other alternatives; it seems to show more action and participation in the conflict process.

So, why the confliction, you ask? Or maybe you haven't asked but I'm going to tell you anyway - feel free to click to the next blog if you don't want one of my vague explanations. The confliction comes from the fact that I'm one step closer to Hurry Up & Wait situation #2 playing out. I've actively participated. Still nothing on HU&W situation #1 but hey, why should I think the timing would be, well, well timed?

Now I'm, what, one step closer to... waiting some more? Problem is, if given the time to wait and actually (gasp) think too much, I become my own worst enemy. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? I can just about talk myself into or out of anything given the proper amount of time. Things are still up in the air; hence, the confliction. Honestly, it'll probably get worse once both of those situations come in for a landing.

I desperately need sleep as I'm already exhausted from the day but instead, I'm off to work. How lucky can one girl get?!

What time is it boys and girls???

Why, it's PUKE-TIME!!!

It's been quite some time since I've been witness to the sounds of the expulsion of so many people's stomach contents. Oh yes, today I got to relive my bar days, but from a sober (and much more disgusted) standpoint.

On my way out of work shortly after 1am, I turned the corner to exit through the emergency room and was hit square in the face with the smell of, well, let's just say it wasn't normal. Something akin to the sink drain in a bar at the end of the night might come close. It was coming from a hunched over, moaning young man that was barely conscious. Just as I exited I heard his friend yell "Hey, we're gonna need a...". I know what they needed but unless an emesis basin magically grew out of his ear, I'm guessing the next call was to housekeeping.

Half a mile down the road while stopped at a red light, I see a group of people leaving a bar sort of propping up their friend who had at that time lost the cooperation of most of her limbs. Just as my light changed to green I witnessed the unfortunate and utterly unprovoked soiling of a small, unsuspecting vehicle. While her limbs may not have been cooperative, her stomach clearly decided to quiet her mumbling in a somewhat forceful, projectile nature complete with sounds that I recall hearing in The Exorcist. She had to be at least five feet away and that poor car never saw it coming.

Within another mile or so I saw a guy bent over in the bushes and, now I thought this was rather amusing, a girl crossing the street slows for a second, bends over slightly and effectively spews the most recent $40 she spent at the bar right on her shoes. Not missing a beat she straightens up and just keeps walking as if nothing ever happened. Most likely on her way to the next bar.

Not to point the finger here, as I've got plenty of stories of my own, but I'm just amused that they all united and put on a little show for me tonight. It was like Puke-Fest 2006. Blech. Wow. The person who owns that car is going to be really pissed off when they sober up.

(Oddly, I may be adding to the Ralphing Roster... my neighbors just decided it was a suitable time to have sex. Right above my head. I was gone until almost 2am yet they waited for me to come home, how kind. Sadly, it only lasted about a minute and a half, maximum. That's the part that turns my stomach.)

Go ahead, be gone with it

It's been a bit strange lately. Not bad, just strange. You may wonder how I can tell this particular strange from any other that I experience. Ok, let's put it this way. I spent two hours at work tonight with the distinct smell of a freshly unwrapped roll of toilet paper stuck somewhere in my nose (the smell, not the toilet paper). But that's not the worst of it. And I have a really hard time admitting this, but... I like a Justin Timberlake song*. I'm tellin' ya' - something fishy is going on around here!!!

I'm about to spontaneously combust, too. That's another thing. Well, most likely I really won't, but I feel like it. A couple of posts ago I mentioned some 'Hurry Up & Wait' scenario which should make it's full potential known by week's end. But wait, there's more (in corny infomercial announcer voice)... there is now a second HU&W situation. Either in direct correlation or conflict, I'm not sure which, with the first one! Oh well, it should all play out soon enough then I can talk about it instead of being vague. I'm refraining from discussing it because then I'll get all worked up and really spontaneously combust. I don't want to do that; too messy. Plus, who would feed my cat?

*Erm, it's the sixth/seventh one down... I can't help it, it's pretty freakin' hot!!! I can't believe I like a JT song, what is this world coming to? It's madness I tell you. Madness!!!

Clear as mud

So I'm in bed this morning, crying of course, and a most peculiar thought came to me...

In an attempt to escape my past, I focus on the future with such ferocity that I am literally trampling the present to pieces.

Official then, isn't it? I no longer know how to live in the present. I'm either trying to outrun the wrongs of days gone by or fighting tooth and nail to make sure I have a brighter future. Thing is, 'the future' is questionable. Yesterday's future is today. It's like that sign that hangs in so many bars; Free Beer Tomorrow. And when you get there the following day, the sign still says the same thing. It's never tomorrow. It's always today. And damn if I haven't forgotten how to focus on today. How odd is it that I can live in the past if I choose (I choose not to), spend every ounce of energy seeking a better future (which, as we've determined, never really comes) yet I go through the motions daily and seem to be at a standstill? How can I live every day, yet not? What am I not getting out of it that I feel I should be? Shouldn't there be some sort of schematic or diagram for this?

All things considered, I'm not in a bad mood*. The last few days (days? hell, years, decades...) have been really tough in an emotional sort of way. And no, I don't mean PMS. Women can have emotions that don't revolve around hormones. And I don't think these are revolving around my fickle neurotransmitters, either. It's just that the past few days, I've been seeing some things clearly for the first time in ages, like a veil has been lifted. Some of it is good, some not so good (and we'll leave it at that) but the thing that startles me above all else, is that I was unaware of most of it even though I'm living it every moment. It's been akin to turning on a light in a dark room. My neurotransmitters are fine, I swear. Maybe my axons are melting or there's a traffic jam in a particular synaptic region.

No, I just think I've been granted a bit of clarity and it's alot to take in. And I have no idea why it chose this moment to descend. I'm uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Grateful in a sense, because I can learn from it but still uncomfortable. And sad. And really fucking edgy.

Given the fact that I could have a small arsenal with me on the top of a very tall building within about 12 minutes, crying in bed isn't so bad now, is it?

*Seriously, I'm taking it in stride for the most part, thinking, reflecting, thinking, pondering hope, thinking, crying, thinking, swearing, thinking, torturing myself with thinking... you get the idea. But not in a bad mood. Contemplative is suitable for my mood but not bad. I find that odd.

*Mouthbreather

Have you ever been watching TV or a movie and all of a sudden the main character is standing there and they almost slow a bit while everything around them just whizzes past? They sort of just take it all in and observe with a bit of confusion. Well, that's sort of what I feel like right now. Either that or 'Jaye' in the extremely short-lived Wonderfalls series. The main difference between me and that character is that instead of inanimate objects talking to me, I'm the one talking to inanimate objects. Still not sure if that's good, bad, or indifferent.

Without detail, I'm in the midst of one of everyone's favorite games; 'Hurry Up and Wait'. Seeing that the patience housed in me could fit on the head of a pin with room to spare, it's no treat. Things should get a little clearer in that respect within the next week or so. Then they will no doubt become muddy as ever. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching (really), merely observing and verbalizing what is going on. If I don't do that, it's like it sneaks up on me and surprises me even when I knew it would be approaching. Even so, you may get a rather frenzied post from me in about a week. Don't panic - I'm sure I'll be doing enough of that for all of us. {Since I'll be in panic mode, please feel free to send along your requests for things you would like me to panic over in your stead. I'd be happy to help.}

Yesterday I spent almost half of my time putting out proverbial fires at work, coming to the rescue of coworkers, and answering a gazillion questions. I heard phrases like, 'Ask LiVEwiRe, she'll know the answer, how to fix it, where to find that, what to do, ad infinitum'. Now, the reason I'm saying this is because often we (ok, I) get irritated with so many interruptions; we've all been there. But in some ways, it is a compliment to know that your coworkers see you as a reliable source. Well, as long as they aren't asking dumb questions out of laziness. It makes you realize that you actually have accomplished something. Just a thought for you to keep in mind when you want to strangle your coworkers... try to think of it as a compliment. If that doesn't work, feel free to strangle them. ;)

Well, in the midst of writing this I got a phone call regarding the 'Hurry Up and Wait' situation. Although I still have to wait, it would seem that things may be taking a somewhat positive turn. Although positive is relative. We'll see.

*Mouthbreather was a 'term of endearment' (not) for another Wonderfalls character. I'm telling you, I really am spending way too much time talking to non-living things!

I am the glue (kookookachoo)

Or so I was recently told. In my mind, I've seen myself as a wedge of sorts, but never the glue that holds things together. Huh.

Barring the fact that I didn't get to leave on time (not my fault, for once) and sleep was not much more than an idle daydream, it was a wonderful trip. Spending time with my family was great (if you exclude my 'nephew's' flog-slaying fest) and being back on the lake shore provided such a comfortable feeling. I am not meant to live in a land locked area. Rivers don't count although there are three of them here.

For anyone that spends time near the shore, you know that being on the waters edge is like standing at the edge of the world. It's everything and nothing all at the same time. And I connect to it.


What's the going rate on life vs. love?
What's the going rate on heaven up above?
I feed on the plans that I've made up to now

What's the going rate on accountability?
What's the going rate on you vs. me?
I'm far from the walls and the trust that keep me here

I'm stuck in the mud, it's stuck in my mind
How we're running out of time

Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix

What's the going rate on making this thing right?
What's the going rate on staying out all night?
It's hard to believe in the things I trust the most
There's so many signs, how many ways
Can I deceive my yesterday

Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix

Can you be bigger than this?
Can you be stronger than this?
We're counting on you
Everything's waiting on you
Everything's focused on you
To do what you should do

Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix

{The Going Rate (My Fix) - Thornley}

Overlook Hotel revisited

All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. And apparently short circuit...

And with that, in a few hours I'm off to Ohio for a few days.

Ramblings of the weary

Sigh. Well, as it stands right now, I'm just going to sit here and ramble on to myself and save this as a draft. Don't know if this will actually make it to being posted but I'm a firm believer in 'How will I know what I think until I see what I say'. Someday I'm going to have to find out who it was that actually made that quote; I forgot long ago but the concept was so apparent to me that it stuck.

Thankfully the antibiotics are starting to work and although still sick, I'm pretty sure I'll make it. Other than that, it's all just a fuzzy, blurry mess. This lack of sleep thing is getting old. The new neighbors were banging around hammering nails into the wall at two in the morning. Even when they stopped, I couldn't sleep, so it's not all their fault. Oh well.

I've got to get to the store but can't seem to get motivated. There are so many things running through my head and it's got me mired. I'd like to just crawl back in bed and pretend it all didn't exist but seeing that I can't sleep, it's no use. So here I sit, wanting to make it all become clearer or go away but it doesn't work that way.

It would seem that I've been sort of backed into a corner of sorts. It feels like it's all wrong, yet I don't seem to have a sense of 'right' anymore. Pretty much just varying degrees of shittiness. In some ways, I suppose I just don't feel important to anyone. I mean other than a couple of family members. If I disappeared tomorrow, I really don't think anyone would give it much thought. That's not being said for sympathy (from the corners of my own brain or anyone else for that matter), it's just kind of the truth. How did things get this way?

Sometimes I think that's partially why I don't know whether to stay here or leave. It's just not going to matter if I feel like I don't matter. Being anywhere and feeling like you don't count isn't much of a boost. Merely existing isn't filled with tons of rewards, you know? Maybe I'm feeling empty. Come to think of it, that's a big part of it. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. Which makes me think that I must've felt that at some point in order to notice it's absence now. Hmm, I suppose that gives me something to consider.

> Alright, so it's been 48 hours since I wrote the above, which I've read over several times - told you I actually use this format to reread my own words in an attempt to figure things out. So, what have I figured out? Not much. But I did realize something that I think is very important. Other than the fact that eating 15 pounds of food in two days due to stress eating is really not the way to solve anything. Although it does boost the sales of antacids quite nicely... {erp}. I miss being around my family. Do they drive me crazy, test my last bit of sanity and make me want to run from them? Yes, but isn't that the main function of family? ;) But I did run from them (ok, so that was a by-product, not the goal) when I took this job in Pittsburgh eight months ago. My basic family unit is rather small and an integral part of my own identity. I didn't realize how much. See, I thought it was weird that they (for the most part) didn't 'get' me at all. But most other people really don't either, so why should they be any different? I think I was trying to make them fit into the mold of what I thought they should be (people that get me), not accepting them for what they are (people that don't get me) and in a sense, isn't my behavior and thought process just the same as what I felt I was battling against with them? Anyway, I'm missing that. Even if I end up back in the general vicinity, that really won't change. They are who they are just as much as I am who I am.

No wonder I get so tired - I never, ever stop thinking about things. And usually don't get anywhere with it all, either. I'm either too dumb or too stubborn to give up.

Time and time again

I look forward to every other week. One week gives me the break that I so desperately need from you, the other provides the time to spend with you that I crave.

There was a time when I thought there was a chance but careful scrutiny then redirected that thought. The possibilities scared me a bit; I could see the future.

Eventually, I've come to hang my head in defeat. Somehow it's as if you sense this and draw closer. If you only had an idea of what two minutes of your hands on me really does to me.

So after the inner turmoil, part of me still wants you, but I don't want to want you. And you simply don't want me. Or do you?

Like I said, I look forward to every other week but I've yet to determine which one.

Pet Peeve # 321

Let's get one thing straight. The word is through. As in, 'I went through the doorway', not 'I went threw the doorway'. Another. It's 'I miss you', not 'I miss ewe'. Well, unless you are speaking to a female member of the ovine species. Reading 'Eye no' as opposed to 'I know' is incredibly annoying and you deserve to be beaten with your keyboard.

It is neither cute nor clever. Unless you are 12 years old. Then, it may be clever - and only in reference to using the word 'ewe'.

In any sort of electronic communication, people tend to abbreviate where it makes sense. Fine, that's a different concept altogether. Even bypassing an 's' for a 'z' can be tolerated. Think friendz, guyz, you get the idea. But swapping one word for another is just plain aggravating and screams 'since I can't really be clever, I'll attempt to do so with my fascinating misuse and skewed interpretation of the language'.

Here's some feedback folks, it doesn't work! The only thing it accomplishes is that it makes me never want to set eyes on anything you write, ever again.

These sleep deprivation based hallucinations seem so real...

Wow. If I ever write a book (pamphlet, perhaps?) about all the oddball things that have happened to me, this latest one is sure to get honorable mention.

Just so you get the idea of where I am mentally let's keep in mind that in the past week I thought I was being burglarized, lost the 'quiet' I've had here for the past eight months, succumbed to bronchitis which robbed me of decent sleep due to all the coughing, then managed to sleep for one single hour last night. Needless to say, I felt like shit going in to work, then worked an hour and a half overtime; all I wanted to do was come home and sleep...

That should be your cue that something was amiss.

So I'm driving down Carson Street which is narrow, crowded, filled to overflowing with people and a hazard on a good day. It's the home to an extraordinary number of shops, restaurants, and bars. It's the latter two that are my concern on any Friday night so I typically take a parallel street for about 10 or 12 blocks until the sea of drunken madness subsides. But not tonight. Nope. It's 1:30am and I just want to go home and for some reason decide to go on Carson. In eight months I've only done that two other times on a Friday; that should say that my choice to go that way tonight was, well, just weird and really bizarre timing.

We're coming to traffic light number 984 and I glance in my mirror to see two guys on BMX-type bikes dodging traffic attempting to drive between opposing lanes of traffic. Annoying but typical. As I'm slowing down, Drunk Guy A on my side of the street sees his friend, Drunk Guy B on the other side of the street and yells to him. Drunk Guy B, being drunk and stupid, rushes headlong into traffic and right between the two guys on bikes. The first one makes it but the second one swerves to avoid Drunk Guy B. Then proceeds to slam, bike and all, into the side of my car with him flipping over the handlebars, his arm flailing about inside my window while I'm still moving! Who ever thinks they are going to get hit with a flying body?!?! Well, I'm here to tell you, don't rule it out.

As it would happen, there was a police officer right there and he made me pull up onto the sidewalk, detained the guys on bikes and ran down Drunk Guy B in the crowd. It was determined that they were ok and he noticed that my car was all marked up from the collision with the bike. I told him I didn't care about that so much as the guy that slammed into it. Thankfully he was ok but by that time I was considering choking the life out of them both. After knowing they were ok, more than anything, I wanted to avoid the officer asking for my driver's license... I do not have a valid license for this state, only Ohio. As a resident here, I'd be in big trouble for not having it as I was already cautioned on the subject during one of our lovely random DUI checkpoints. Then I'd have to explain why my car's plates are still from Ohio. Keep in mind, I was coming from work - no way I could say I was just visiting. Most people don't just hang out in hospital scrubs with a photo ID badge around their neck from the hospital down the street. Oh, there would be fines galore! Nope officer, things are just fine, no problems with the car, the scuff marks give it character don't you think, don't you worry one bit, thanks for your help, ok, I'm leaving now, see ya... whew!

You know, someone recently commented that strange things come my way. Uh, ya think? I'm pretty sure flying bodies fall into that category. So, after that adrenaline rush I probably won't get any decent sleep tonight either.

Oh the joys of being me. On the bright side, it saves one of you from having to do it!