Let's go up in flames, pretty lady

Perhaps it died.

As with many folks, there's a part of me that has been holding on to hope for this certain thing. Never the right time, place, person, etc. it seemed. Except recently there was an occurrance which caused me to reevaluate some things. Seems it's not external factors that are the cause, it's me. I'm somewhat dead inside on a certain level. There's really only a little sadness when I say that and it comes from recognizing missed opportunity of sorts. It's not something that has an override option and that's alright. I feel no profound sadness because of this 'discovery' and in truth, it's almost a relief. Now I can see that there's not much I could have done to get a different outcome. Even when you think you know yourself, there are surprises to be found. 

"The Wind & the Rain" - Megan Mullally & Supreme Music Program

This could easily be my new obsession.  

The things you learn.

We've probably all heard it said that truth is stranger than fiction.  Right?

In learning recent truths about some pretty 'out-there' sorts of things, it made me really think about that.  So many people write about what they know, even if the finished product is just loosely based on those things.  When you read fiction, there is probably some thread of truth or experience lent to the characters or scenarios.  When I think about it that way, I realize that fiction IS truth, to some extent.

Whatever it takes for me to not feel that my life and family history isn't stranger than fiction, right?  It IS fiction for someone.  For me, it's my truth.  Somewhere along the way you make peace with it all, I suppose.

Not everyone...

gets a prize.
wins a ribbon.
places in the race.
can be picked first.
is worthy of the limelight.
makes your day better.
deserves respect.
should see their name in lights.
earns a standing ovation.

Put on your Big Kid pants and DEAL WITH IT.

When did it become the norm to make a mockery of the people and situations that truly DO deserve those things?  Why is it everyone's responsibility to pad your ego?  I'm all for not being a general asshole, but come on already.  If you don't deserve those things, I'm not going to pretend you do just to avoid you running off and having a tantrum.

If you don't have those things and you want them, here's an idea - step up your game but stop expecting it simply because you have a pulse.  Having a pulse makes you lucky, not worthy.  Big fucking difference.  And to everyone that perpetuates this sort of bullshit behavior?  Fuck you.

"Here I go, here I go, here I go again! Girls, what's my weakness? Men"tal health.

Perhaps the members of Salt N' Pepa weren't lyrical masterminds but that's what immediately came to mind.  I could barely remember my password but when I opened the tab, that's what my brain said.  The opening lyrics to Shoop.  A song I haven't thought of in years but it fit with a slight alteration at the end.  Sometimes things just slam into my head like a stunt car driver.  They come flying out of nowhere and come screeching to a halt as they park themselves in a tiny corner of my brain with dust flying everywhere.

Here's the thing.  There's a chance I might be starting to spiral and for the first time in my life, I don't really care.  Years ago I was diagnosed as being bipolar.  The meds helped greatly.  Until they didn't.  Or more specifically, until they tried to kill me.  Because of that event, it's been four and a half years since I've been on any meds other than Klonopin for sleep and previously a little daytime anxiety.  I do not think I will ever be able to be on the "appropriate" meds again.  If anyone knew me at all during The Medicated Years, I was faithful to my med schedule, associated blood tests, and psych appointments which is so very unbipolar of me.  There is more than one reason that I cannot be medicated in the future but perhaps the most serious is that it could honestly kill me.  That is not an elaboration, that is cold hard fact. There is a part of me that believes that the fear of taking meds (rightly so - the fuckers could have killed me with just one or two more doses) has been what has kept me 'sane' since that event.  Fear of a painful, tortuous death will do that to a person.  You know, make you avoid the thing that could directly bring it on.  Scared straight and all.  So I battled on.  Good days, bad days, but nothing insurmountable.  Some of the darkest days of my life came to be after that event, during the time I was unmedicated.  And I made it through.  That alone made me question whether my diagnosis had been correct after all.

Many things happened.  (Pretty slick, 'eh?)

Now, onto present day in the life and times of LiVEwiRe.  Things since my move have been rocky at best.  And that's ok, I suppose.  Pisses me off and the reasons behind it are bullshit, but, you know - whatever.  Good shit happens, bad shit happens.  That's life.  And it does anger me.  And sometimes I do feel bad about the outcome.  And then I mostly get over it.  But then this.  This feeling that my brain is racing and I'm starting to obsess.  I can't tell if I'm just trying to project and consider other options without actually sitting and considering other options (it makes sense, trust me) or if my brain is seeking escape.  It scares me a little because I don't feel I can trust myself to know the difference.  And what of it, that difference?  My best laid plans turned into a heaping pile of shit so I'm sure part of me doesn't have a whole lot of faith in active decisions I'd make.  Logically, I know with every cell in my body that the shitstorm that ensued upon moving here was not my fault.  And that's not avoiding blame, that's just fact.  But enough about that.

Other places, other careers, new starts, strongly deviating from anything I've done thus far.  For me, thought and contemplation can morph into something much stronger.  Obsessing.  It's not surprising that this experience has almost comPLETEly turned me off from my career choice of the past 13 years.  My location?  That's ok.  I do like the sun.  A lot.  The gray is overwhelming.  But I've only been here for seven months, during which time I've had little opportunity or energy to explore.  The sun is nice, though.  Big plus.  But it's not a place I'd think of living long term.  Of course, that's relative, but still.  I have to be closer to the water for something long term.  Location is really somewhat flexible, I suppose.  Of course what I'm thinking is just the opposite of what I normally want and I think I know why.  That's a post for another day, though.

For now I have to either fight or ride the wave.  I do suppose fighting would be easier if I felt there was something to fight for, but I'm not entirely feeling that.  My current circumstance has to change.  Has. To.  Again, for reasons I'm not going to go into here, just take my word for it.  I can attempt a short-term fix for now, but my brain still races ahead.  What do I do?  Where do I go?  Why?

The way I see it, if I'm heading into a hypomanic state, maybe I shouldn't really fight it.  Most people say good things don't come out of that but that isn't entirely true.  Sometimes your brain reaches for ideas that the logical part of you discredits.  In other words - it might hold an answer.  It would be as good as anything else.  That's why I'm not sure I care.

But the fear comes in when I think that this could be opening a door of sorts. A Pandora's Box effect if you will.  Although with meds not being an option, I'm not sure how to proceed.  Or if I really have much of a choice in the matter.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it (although I'm sure there's a similar title somewhere here...)

There have been plenty of times in my life where a poor outcome could be categorized as my fault and I'm completely ok with that.  You really won't get any sort of argument from me.  Last I heard, I'm human - although there are doubters - so part of the life experience is to do the whole "Live and Learn" thing.  I've lived.  I've learned.  Rinse, repeat.

What I take issue with is when your life gets flipped ass over teakettle because someone else (your employer) didn't have their shit together.  Major shit.  Shit that will get you carted off in handcuffs kind of major.  I thought I was ballsy before but this whole experience (moving 570 miles away for a job with an industry leader) has really shown me what I'm made of.  Apparently I don't mind speaking up nor do I mind laying boundaries even when it could mean losing my job.  I told my boss if he was looking for someone to just nod and agree, he's about 30 years too late.  Of course now I'm set to meet with the Director mid-week, but I'm ok with that, too.  Even if it's to turn in my badge.

This isn't about bitching about something, because that's a whole other post, this is about seeing the pattern as it emerges.  I said I needed to focus on me and get reacquainted with myself.  Well, it's happening.  Not at all in the way I'd thought, but perhaps in a more vital manner.

Just when I feel like things are falling apart around me, I realize I'm kind of a rock.  A badass muthafuckin' rock.