We dedicated April and May to diabetes. My amazing department at work (and the most understanding, generous, and downright lovely coworkers) allowed me to take some time away to take care of Annie. I had a few overnight calls which were mostly covered for me by partners from my group who was on call the same nights (thank you, thank you, thank you!), and I continued to see patients one day a week for breastfeeding. Overall, my partners picked up much of my clinic time so that I could be with Annie, and I will always be grateful for their willingness to help me.
Pete's mother and sister were able to come with me to the hospital-led diabetes teaching classes, both for moral support, and to learn about counting carbohydrates, giving insulin, diabetes emergencies . . . it was basically a type I diabetes crash course. I was able to teach Annie's preschool teachers and other school staff members about diabetes and how to take care of Annie. She is so young to have this diagnosis that the preschool hasn't had another diabetic kid in years, but the school staff were absolutely amazing in their willingness to learn about this with us. After a several weeks, Annie was able to go back to school for full days without needing me to come for meals, snacks, or blood sugar checks, and I think everyone is pretty comfortable now. Pete and I stay available by phone when Annie is at school, and her teachers call often with questions, which is exactly what I want them to do.
So our diabetes routine is coming together. Weekdays are structured, so I pack her meals and snacks and send them with her to school, and I pre-calculate her insulin dose, because for better or for worse, I don't trust anyone to do the math but me. One day I'll have to let that go, but that day is not coming anytime soon. Weekends are tough. We've been trying to do some fun family and friend things, but the unstructuredness of it, and the inability to stay on top of Annie's activity level and diet make me really nervous. Annie can drop her blood sugar really low, really fast, just by running around outside, chasing Lively or riding bikes or playing at the park, so I have to check her blood sugar before and after any kind of exercise, and sometimes in the middle as well if she's out more than 30 minutes or so.
Example: the first Sunday in May is the Water Hill Music Festival in our neighborhood (2nd annual this year!) Any household can sign up for a particular time to play music on the front porch or yard, and no one needs a permit because it's legal to play on your porch. There is a schedule and hundreds of people wandering around the neighborhood drop by at the scheduled time and listen and dance and sing along. Pete and I think this is a really cool perk of living where we do, so we wanted to participate this year. Some friends with actual musical talent came over and played fun sing-along kid and kid-at-heart songs, and we put out lots of musical instruments and various things to shake or bang or blow into, and a bunch of friends showed up as well as tons of people we didn't know. The kids loved it, the day was beautiful and everyone stayed outside and it was great. Except that I was so worried about what/when Annie was eating and how much she was running around that I was on edge the whole time and couldn't relax and enjoy myself. I find myself feeling that way a lot on the weekends, so much so that sometimes I feel like the week is easier, which is a terrible and stupid way to live.
Here's a photo of Lively at the music festival. It really was fun. Feel free to come by next year, and hopefully I'll have my head on straight by then.
Despite his adorableness in this photo, Lively was pretty overwhelmed by so many people and the loud music, but he held it together as best he could.
In other Annie updates, she is generally feeling a lot better now that her body can actually get energy from the food she eats instead of allowing glucose to build to toxic levels in her blood while the rest of her cells starve! She gained 4 pounds in the first 3 weeks on insulin (she had lost weight and was way too skinny prior), and for all you medical people out there, her hemoglobin A1c, which started at 11% (!!!) was down to 8.7 after 3 weeks. We're shooting for 7-8% at next check, and 7% after she turns 5 at the end of the summer.
Annie had her second ballet recital this month, and I sat 3 rows back with tears streaming down my cheeks the whole time she was on stage. We weren't allowed to take pictures during the performance, but here's one I like from the rehearsal the week before.
We really try to avoid the princess thing as much as we can at home, so of course Annie was overjoyed to be able to dress in a lavender tutu with tiara and diamond necklace. The day before her recital, her class at school had a come-dressed-as-a-princess, knight, or dragon-day, and I could not convince her to dress as a dragon, so we went with this:
I tried to convince her to let me put green makeup on her to be Princess Fiona from Shrek, but she would not have it. She couldn't stop looking at herself in the mirror, spinning around, and saying, "I look so beautiful Mama!" And she did. She was so happy!
Annie is doing very well with the blood sugar checks (she's able to do it herself, with just a little instruction from us now) and all the shots, but she's having a hard time too. Her diabetes rebellion is manifesting itself in temper tantrums that take us by surprise completely, and a basic refusal to do anything I ask her to do. I suppose this isn't surprising. Unfortunately, her difficulties adjusting to diabetes combined with my overwhelming stress are not working well together. I am having a lot of trouble staying calm and not yelling, and many days I fail miserably. This of course, leads to more guilt and stress about not being the mother I want to be for her, which continues the vicious cycle of depleting my emotional reserves so that I am perhaps even more likely to blow up at her the next time she acts out. Bad, bad, bad. I have stopped waiting on the front porch for our mailman to deliver my mother-of-the-year award. It's not coming.
So ok, lots of stuff has been happening with Lively too, but I just can't go on anymore tonight, so instead I'm going to insert this picture of him learning how to balance on his big boy bike. Most days he insists on the toddler bike we got him last summer, even though his knees are close to scraping the ground, but he's getting more interested in this bike, and I'm so very proud of him. When I see him do this, I can't help but remember that 15 months ago, we weren't sure if he would ever walk.
Tomorrow I plan to update with accounts of Lively's first 2 days in Grand Rapids. Right now he looks like this, which is a very good thing:
Here's hoping that I will find a way to fall asleep sometime tonight as well.
