a year...and a little more

Has it really been over a year since my last post? I guess I sort of reached a point where I was just done with blogging. I wasn't sure why I was doing it anymore, and honestly, I just didn't feel like I had anything super important to write about. After writing about Sara's story for over 2 years, I just didn't think anything else mattered as much.

But here I am...back with another post. The main reason I'm back is because we're expecting baby #2 (technically, baby #3, but more on that later). When I was pregnant with Wyatt, I used this blog as a pregnancy journal of sorts, and I still enjoy looking back on those posts remembering the excitement and joy, as well as a few of the not so fun parts about pregnancy.  I'd really like to document this pregnancy in the same way and I figured this was probably the easiest way to do it.

With that said, consider this pregnancy post #1 (as I get back into it, I'll probably write about other topics unrelated to pregnancy).

So yeah, no more hiding it. I'm around 14 weeks pregnant, due mid August (but let's be honest, it could be early September if this one is anything like Wyatt  #noexpectations).  We are all so excited, including the little Mr. pictured above. He is thrilled about becoming a big brother and goes back and forth on whether he wants a little brother or a little sister. Brett and I both think it's another boy, but we'll find out for sure at the end of March.

God sure has blessed us with this pregnancy and we're very thankful. We had a miscarriage back in May and would've been welcoming that baby into our home in December. I know so many women deal with miscarriages and sometimes multiple miscarriages...both early in their pregnancies and late.. and some that even make it all the way to labor and delivery before losing their precious baby. My heart aches for all these women. But I have been so encouraged and uplifted by several of them.  Something that has been drilled into my brain and heart over the last few years is one simple word: HOPE. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Rom 12:12.

We found out that I had miscarried at my 12 week appointment, but I had already lost the baby over a month before that point. Viewing the ultrasound, it was determined that our little baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks and 3 days.  I, of course, wanted to know exactly when that day was and what I was doing, regardless of the fact I couldn't have prevented the loss. So, upon arriving home and in tears, I flipped back through my calendar until I found the date. 8 weeks and 3 days...May 2. The 1 year anniversary of Sara's death. My emotions took over. Initially, I was so angry. Why would God give me another reason to hate this day?! Of all days, why May 2?  But then, I began to find comfort in it. As strange as it may sound, I found comfort in thinking, "This is Sara's baby. She is holding and rocking and loving on that little baby...showing the love that I would've shown him/her if I could." And whether or not that's true, I can't help but think that God orchestrated the timing so I would find the slightest bit of comfort through those thoughts. I will always keep that image in my heart.

The story doesn't end there though. As one would expect, I struggled for awhile with the loss of this child, and as the due date drew closer and closer, it became even harder. The "what if" thoughts started creeping in and I just longed to be holding that baby. But wouldn't you know it....the day before my due date, I took a pregnancy test: POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. So I took another one (ok, maybe two) and sure enough they all read the same result.  I was so excited, yet so scared at the same time.

But here we are, 14 weeks later. And although I still get anxious every once in awhile, I'm doing my best to trust in God's plan and continue being excited and thankful for this little one growing inside of me. So thankful.

Consider Yourself "Carded"

Christmas: the good, the hard & the memories

I really do love Christmas. It's such a fun time of year with such a significant meaning. Christmas decorations & music, holiday parties & white elephant gifts, cold weather & warm sweaters, and the horrible for you food & yummy holiday drinks. It's all so good!

our first Christmas tree for our first Christmas in our first home (that's a lot of firsts)

The hard (but still good) thing is, everything about the Christmas season reminds me of Sara. And if you read my mom's blog, or talk to my other family members, you've heard them say it too: Sara loved Christmas. She loved the red holiday cups at Starbucks, the movie White Christmas, singing Christmas songs at the top of her lungs, fighting for the last scotchmallow in the See's box, any excuse to wear red or have red fingernails, and spending countless hours in Target finding presents. But mostly, she just loved when we were all together.

my favorite ornament pairing

I have so many great memories of Sara and Christmas. Fun memories. Hilarious memories. Countless memories. So that's what I'm going to try and focus on this Christmas and every Christmas to come. Not how sad I am that she isn't here, but how great things were when she was. And how blessed we still are.

Here are some pictures from the past several Christmases.

2006 - before all the spouses

2008 - after the Christmas Eve service with the addition of Brett & Brady to the family.

2008 - gingerbread house contest: girls vs. boys. unfortunately, the boys won.

2009 - 6 months after Sara's diagnosis, 5 months into my pregnancy with Wyatt, and days before Sam & Kimberly's engagement.

2009 - Sara and her "fake boyfriend" Jacob. Courtesy of her besties.

2010 - Playing a game of Quelf. Games with Sara were always entertaining.

2010 - Wyatt's first Christmas. Sara's last. Their only.

Miss you so much this Christmas and always!

EWALD

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this fall has been beautiful. Seriously, beautiful. It has allowed for us to enjoy regular afternoon/early evening walks that almost always include the same route to a nearby park.

I enjoy these walks for several reasons, but here's one of them:

Ewald.

It might be my favorite street in Salem. Okay, I don't know if I can say that for sure, but it's definitely my favorite street in our surrounding neighborhood...especially this time of year. The trees go on forever and you almost don't notice the houses beyond them (or the fact that it was garbage pick-up day when I took this photo).

Within the next few days, these trees will be all shades of red, orange and yellow and absolutely breathtaking. I told Brett on our last walk that I wanted to take family pictures in the middle of Ewald, that's how much I love it. Unfortunately, he didn't quite understand my desire to stand in the middle of some random street just to get a beautiful picture...but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that he just doesn't enjoy being in pictures, period. You win some, you lose some.

So even though I probably will never get family pictures on this street, I know I'll enjoy family walks down this street for years to come.

And just because a post wouldn't be complete for certain grandparents without a picture of the main man, here's how most of our walks end up: Wyatt sick of being in the stroller, wanting to get out and walk, and then wanting to push the stroller... all by himself.

(since these pictures, Wyatt has received a fresh new do. These pics made me realize just how long I'd let his hair grow. Yikes!)

Thankful for these clear fall days. I know they're coming to an end, but I'll take them while they last.

answering the question - how was your trip?

At the beginning of October, Wyatt and I took a trip to my parents' house for a long weekend. I had been super busy with work and was in need of a few days off. Plus, my older sister, Heidi, was heading home for the weekend too. It was a much needed time of relaxing and being with family.

It was the first time I had been back home since Sara's service in May. It was a little difficult. I found myself just wanting to sit in "her chair" all the time. It made me feel closer to her somehow. I couldn't, however, work up the emotional energy to go to her grave site. I've struggled with that side of things from the beginning. It's interesting how all of us (in our family) deal with things so differently. It makes it difficult to know how to talk about it at times. I know my parents and siblings want to be there for me (and vice versa), but I don't necessarily want to "burden" them with my pain when they are dealing with enough pain of their own. We all know it's not burdening each other, but it's hard not to feel that way. It's one thing to grieve as an individual, but how do you grieve as a family? We're working through all of that. All I can say is, I am so thankful for a family who knows God and loves each other. I can't imagine going through this grief and sorrow if those two things weren't true.

Speaking of family, we really did have a good time with each other. Wyatt was the center of attention, as always, and I'm pretty sure he didn't mind it. He really loves his "boppa" and "maama" which is toddler talk for grandpa and grandma.

And he's still working on saying "Heidi." It sort of comes out as "hi-e"

In true Fallon fashion, my dad and I took Wyatt out to the dairy. There were a bunch of brand new calves and Wyatt enjoyed walking by and waving at them all.

But then he spotted the tractors and was quickly done with the cows. His tractor and truck noise is "mah mah" with a slight grunt behind it. It sounds a bit like "mama," which makes it somewhat embarrassing when he says it out in public while pointing at large trucks. Ah well.

We were able to go to church on Sunday and I always enjoy hearing my dad speak. He spoke from Philippians 4 on how we should live: joyfully, gracefully, prayerfully, thoughtfully, purposefully & gratefully. And how all these things are prerequisites for contentment. He reminded us that in order to truly be content, we need to embrace God's provision and God's sovereignty. Only then will we find an inner rest and peace that comes from being right with God and knowing He's in control.

It was exactly what I needed to hear, Dad. I should have told you that sooner. Thank you for having the strength to talk about something so difficult and so close to home.

So yeah...overall, it was a really good trip. Hard, but good, which seems to be the answer to most questions these days. Good thing the two can coincide with each other.