Our Angels

Dear Sweet Angels,

As I stood in the bathroom, hovering near the pregnancy test, I could feel my heart beating in my chest. I knew I didn't need to take any tests to confirm what my body had already been telling me. With 3 healthy pregnancies behind me, I knew. I was pregnant.

Though you weren't a 'timed' pregnancy, you was most definitely a planned one. By that, we knew we wanted 4 kids, just didn't know that it would be this soon. 

From day one, everything about this pregnancy seemed right. It was God's timing, not ours. It was in the middle of a move we weren't even sure we would make until the month before. And we had an offer on a house initially that would have been too small for a growing family...and we beat the odds with our new house which would fit us all perfectly. The cards had all fallen in to place for this pregnancy to happen.

Though it took a couple of weeks for the shock to wear off and the idea of 4 kids to settle in, both Ryan and I were elated, especially knowing you were so meant to be. I had a certainty about it that I didn't have with any of the other kids. Within a week we had told your big brothers and they were so excited to tell all our family and close friends. We had already begun to imagine what our family would look like. We began making plans, arranging vacations, and 'sick leave' based on your impending arrival. July couldn't get here soon enough.

Selfishly I would have never chosen to have my first trimester wrapped in the the holidays. But obviously I did what I had to do. I spent the first several weeks dry heaving every evening and had absolutely no (I mean z.e.r.o) energy to unpack or organize our new house. It was all I could do to just get through each day. And then one day I realized that I didn't feel quite so sick anymore. I actually made it through the entire day without throwing up. This was around 9 weeks. I commented about how nervous that made me feel but as long as everything was okay with you then I would take good days. At my nurse appointment I had told her it was my easiest pregnancy thus far. I heard the warning bells in the back of my head because I don't have easy pregnancies but I knew that this was 'meant to be' so I ignored the ringing.

And then it happened.

It started as just a light pink tinge every few trips to the bathroom. Nothing overly alarming. And then a few days later I started cramping. Again, nothing serious. But then the combo. Spotting and cramping. ugh. That combo is never good. But again, I thought everything had to be okay because you were meant to be. Maybe I had just overdone it. I mean I had just hosted a North Pole Party at our house with 25+ adults and children, baked cookies for an entire day and a half and attended Ryan's work Christmas party...all within 2 days. Yea, that was it. I had just overdone it.

The next morning I could hardly stand because the cramping was so bad but no bleeding. I called my Dr anyway and scheduled an ultrasound. And that's when my elation came crashing down. There wasn't a heart beat. Not only that, but you, the dear sweet baby inside me wasn't just one. There were two of you.

Twins.

Identical twins.

Two.

I should have taken it as a sign that you were actually 2. Your Papa knew it. Our Christmas tree even knew it...we've called it a 'two-fur tree' ...a tree perfectly formed coming from one stump and breaking in two identical branches leaving a beautiful, full tree. So now I wasn't mourning the loss of one, but two. I know it isn't my fault sweet angels, but you lacked a membrane separating you..monoamniotic and monochorionic. What was meant to keep you alive wasn't. I am so sorry. Finding out that you were twins only added to my devastation. My heart stopped beating. I could hardly swallow. And then the tears came. I'm not sure they've stopped since then. 

I was prescribed some pills by the Dr to help along the miscarriage and pain but despite taking them I doubt I would have needed them. My body took over and ironically, at the same exact time I gave birth to your oldest brother, my first born, 7 years before, I said goodbye to you, to my twins that I didn't get a chance to hold. It's amazing how you can love someone(s!) so much in such a short amount of time without really even "knowing" them. 

You were gone. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment.

I have wanted to ignore the world the past few days despite sending a text out to everyone I could possibly think of having told about my pregnancy. I didn't want to forget anyone for fear they may ask me how you were doing and me bursting in to tears. There is a part of me that feels so guilty that I'm upset because I have 3 beautiful, healthy boys already. But the pain is still there and it is oh so real. The pain of losing you is so raw. The family of six seven we had imagined was no longer. My certainty gone. 

One thing I'm certain of is how grateful I am for our friends and family. You would have loved it here. We have had a blanket of love wrapped around us. Flowers, dinners, kind words, cards, special gifts, and prayers. We have felt every single prayer. You have the best daddy and big brothers in the whole world. I hate our Christmas tree now. It's a reminder of what could have and should have been. But your daddy? He loves it. He says it's a reminder that you aren't alone...you have each other. And you know what? He's right. We are so glad you have each other.

And just so you know little ones, we are now a family of 7. Though we only hold 3 kiddos here, we hold all 5 in our hearts. We also know there are 2 identical pairs of tiny footsteps going before us, leading the way 'home'. One day we will get to meet you, find out if you are 2 handsome boys or two beautiful girls. 

Until then...

I will love you forever and for always.

Your mommy

Happy birthday Lukah

Somewhere between maintaining budgets, writing a business plan, tending to 3 boys, trying to make summer fun and intentional, tending to 3 boys, deciding to sell our house, figuring out this whole stay at home mom thing, and tending to 3 boys...our baby decided to go and grow up on us. Today he is 1. One. He has completed an entire year in a blink of my eye.

photo credit Nellang Photography

Photo credit Nellang Photography

This has been one of my most challenging years despite Lukah being an amazingly easy baby. I went from working mom to stay at home mom (yes, this is work too!) and had to learn what that meant. I went from being a well respected, successful, business woman to feeling like my success was being marked on how clean my house is, how well behaved my children are, if I have a nutritious meal every night and lunches made every day. I put such an unbelievable amount of pressure on myself that I lost touch with what it truly meant...it is not about me. Rather, it is about these young boys that I have the privilege of raising and loving so they can be great men.

6 months

6 months

But I digress. Today is Lukah's first birthday. I get amazingly sentimental and emotional on first birthdays. Well, really any poignant mark of growth and change. But definitely first birthdays. I found myself crying at random points in the day yesterday thinking about how beautifully Lukah has fit in to our family. How much love the older boys have for him. How much love Ryan and I have for him. And grasping to hold on to all those special moments and memories, ingraining them in our brains, storing them for future. Memories like the excitement the older boys had when we told them there was going to be a new baby. Grasp. Their anticipation and careful selection of outfits to determine if they would have a new brother or a new sister. Grasp. Their eagerness in meeting and holding our sweet baby boy for the very first time. Grasp. The newness nestled in to the crook of my arm and inhaling the beautiful new baby smell. Grasp. His beautiful, perfect lips parted ever so slightly as he slept warm against my chest. Grasp. The smile that lights up any room. Grasp. The adorable baby rolls that are already thinning out. Grasp. The way he speed crawls over to Dada and begs to be picked up and carted around in the morning while he gets ready for work. Grasp. His sweet little voice, deep belly laughs, and huge pinchable cheeks. Grasp. And even being the 3rd boy it's amazing how such a tiny person has filled our hearts completely.

8 months

9 months

9 months

10 months

And now that baby isn't so tiny making me want to grasp that much more. He's speaking words (bye bye, ball, up, uh oh, bath, mama, dada), he's pointing, he's crawling proficiently and isn't far from walking. He's discovering his will, his wants, his likes and his dislikes. He doesn't miss a thing. He knows when he's doing something he shouldn't be and getting away with it...his huge ear to ear smile gives him away instantly. And his huge smile? Still perfection. Still our light.

With each grasp I also recognize I need to let them each go and encourage them to each grow despite my desire to pause time and my desire for them to stay little awhile longer. Instead, I've realized much of my job is as cheerleader from the sidelines. Encourager from the bleachers. My job is more important now that it ever was before. And I am finally, finally feeling like I am getting the hang of it. And this little baby boy has aided me in a way I would have never dreamed. 1 year ago a new journey began. A new chapter was written. And 1 year later I am so proud to be this little boy's mama. Happy birthday sweet boy. Happy birthday Lukah Kalani. You bring so much joy and light to our lives.

1st Camping Trip

It's hard to believe that Kadyn is 6 1/2 and we've never taken him camping. Each summer we've lamented on how we need to go and each time the entire summer slips by without us going (or we've had a baby, or I've been very pregnant...mostly just lots of excuses really). We decided that this year we were going. No matter what. 

One night was a good first attempt and we learned a lot about what we need to remember to bring next time (pillows and the camp stove top the list). The boys had SO much fun and by the next evening were in desperate need of a bath. Despite my needing to drive home in the middle of the night with Lukah and back out to join everyone for breakfast at 7am we still had a great time and we're so excited to give it another go...next time we're going to set up a bed in the van for Lukah and me so the entire campground doesn't hear him crying. 

Portable highchair is a MUST when camping with a baby. 

Forgot my password

Truthfully it has been so long since I have had a spare moment to sit down and blog that I temporarily forgot my password and login. And, just as it is whenever there is a lapse in blog content, there is so much to catch up on. However, I have decided to start from here and move forward and when I have time (laugh, cough, snort) I will fill in the blanks. This has been my first "break" where I feel like I don't have to clean, try to quickly run to the grocery store without kiddos or trying to get work done our business plan/idea and I plan to use every minute of this hour soaking in the coffee shop smell. Because of this I would highly suggest getting a cup of coffee yourself to enjoy while you read this (or, if you're a mama like me...reheat the darn thing for the 5th time).

Where the kids are today:

LUKAH: 

~As I write I am also scouring Pinterest for ideas on 1st birthdays. FIRST BIRTHDAYS?! It has almost been a complete year since Lukah joined our family. He has brought so much happiness and filled a void we didn't even know existed. He is such a ham, constantly smiling and bringing such delight to everyone around him.

~He is crawling proficiently, standing up on everything, and cruising the furniture. He is still extremely wobbly so I am sure that walking is still at least a month off.

~Lukah has a few words that he knows: Mama, Dada, Uh oh (though not necessarily in correct usage) And understands of lots of words: ball, doggie, up and how to make his lips make funny noises.

~Lukah loves to look at the pictures in books and hear short words and animal noises. He tries to turn the pages too quickly to actually read a story of substance (even short, short stories).

~Lukah is taking 2 naps a day: 9-10:30 and 1:30-3. He hasn't consistently slept through the night since he was 4 months old and wakes anywhere from 0-3 times a night. Tired mama. When combined with either (or both) of the brothers waking this makes for a very, very tired mama. I should have taken stock in coffee.

~Lukah has 6 teeth and is working on 2 more. 2 on the bottom, and 4 on top.

~Lukah had his first haircut yesterday. I had to trim the wispy sides that were beginning to make him float away. He lost his "hawk" a month or so ago.

~Lukah melts his Daddy's heart and makes it hard for Ryan to go to work when he crawls over to him and puts his arms up to be picked up each morning when Ryan wakes up.

KAI:

~Kai still has the best laugh. You can't help but smile when you hear him laugh.

~Kai has recently been extremely trying. However, with the help of my most recent read "Parenting with Love and Logic" this has gotten so much better. He still has such a strong will and is still challenging, but I have realized more and more that I do not need to own his problems. My realization in this has helped thwart many outbursts too because of how I have changed many of my responses.

~Kai wants desperately to be like his older brother. At 4 years old this posses a challenge as he isn't in the same spot emotionally, and is an entire head plus smaller, but his desire is there. As a result, he is very agile, very coordinated, and very intelligent. He will sit and work on his kindergarten workbook for 30 min with very little help other than reading the directions to him. He can count to 30 unassisted. He can do 100 piece puzzles (that have identifying features). He has number recognition and many of the letters.

~Despite the trying times, Kai is such a love. He is so sweet to his little brother and has really stepped in to fill the shoes of a big brother. He insists on giving Lukah kisses before every nap and bedtime.

~He loves to cuddle.

~Kai is painfully shy around adults he doesn't know. Especially if he is without the security blanket his older brother provides. He'll talk in a baby talk at first, and usually try to show off in one way or another. I often have to prompt him to talk and usually by saying the opposite. e.g. If we went to park and a grownup asks what we did that day he usually responds with silence until I say "We went to the zoo" and he'll say "No, we did not. We went to the park."

~I am seeing Kai's love language as Quality Time. This kid soaks it up. And it's amazing when he feels that tank is full how much more emotional regulation he has. Even sitting and watching tv together he wants to make sure you're completely invested in watching with him...laughing together, seeing the same funny parts, or scary parts. No multi tasking around this kid.

~Kai loves his mommy and usually prefers me over anyone else.

~Kai says some of the cutest expressions. "I have a flipper" when he means he has a flapper on his finger. Or, "Daddy learned me how to do that" when talking about something Ryan taught him.

~Kai has recently started doing chores and has surprised me with how well he can do them. He loves to empty the dishwasher and feels very grown up when he is finished.

~Kai has only had to have his inhaler 2 times since we said goodbye to our dog, Boulder. It was a sad day saying goodbye to him, but it was also for the best...not just for Kai, but also for my sanity.


KADYN:

~Kadyn will be entering 1st grade in just a few short weeks. You want to talk about feeling old? I can't believe I have a 1st grader. We're keeping our fingers crossed that his first grade teacher is as good of a fit as his kindergarten teacher was. He grew by leaps and bounds under her leadership. He was labeled a leader in the class (was often asked to help his peers that were struggling), was told he possesses great quality traits (won several awards for them), and learned to read (his reading ability blows me away!).

~Kadyn did a mountain biking camp this summer and his ability has sky rocketed. His confidence on the bike has improved as well. Both boys did ski lessons this winter and excelled at that as well. It's been interesting as a parent offering sports for them to try. And mostly, whatever Kadyn wants to do, Kai wants to do too...and same goes for what he doesn't want to do. Kadyn really doesn't have any interest in your typical sports: soccer, football, t-ball, lacrosse. He has stuck with biking, skiing, swimming. A dad of a peer of Kadyn's said "at least it's sports that will stick with him forever not end as soon as he is done with high school." That perspective has helped immensely and it is so true.

~Kadyn has lost his 2 bottom front teeth. There was something that was triggered inside of me when he lost his first tooth...something about permanence and becoming a boy; it

was almost more of a big deal than him starting kindergarten. Of course the tooth fairy came but not without episode (he woke up mid transfer and was very upset as to why he didn't have his tooth under the pillow or any money...it worked itself out fortunately).

~I know that our days are numbered as far as holidays are concerned. He has started having a very logic based brain and questioning many things. This breaks a mamas heart and I can only hope we have at least this last Christmas of magic.

~This boy is an incredible big brother. He is best of friends and worst of enemies to Kai, but at the end of the day, despite whatever happened between them, they cuddle in to his top bunk and Kadyn will read Kai stories by head lamp. (Swoon) And to Lukah? Kadyn carts him everywhere. The first thing he asks in the morning is when Lukah will be up. And he is constantly scooping him up to play together. I love catching the 3 of them together. The brotherly bond is strong here.

~Kadyn is our first born and possesses many of the first born traits with strong will, stubborn, and desire to be right. Despite his attentive attitude and great qualities at school, I wish I could say he had them all at home too. He saves his anger and frustration for home. At least he feels safe, and secure in his environment at home to release some of those emotions. But it can be extremely draining. I always thought that it was difficult when they were younger but at least then I had the ability to scoop them up and put them in time out...Kadyn is strong. I can no longer "force" him to a timeout if he doesn't go willingly. At 60+ lbs and the height of an 8 year old he often out powers me. I have a feeling he will tower over me all too soon.

~Kadyn has recently started taking an interest in all things Daddy. When is Daddy coming home? Why does Daddy need to work so much? Will Daddy take me mountain biking? Can I go on a special date with Daddy? This turnaround from all things mommy has been great for Ryan. I can only imagine that this will only increase as he (all 3) gets older.

~I believe Kadyn's love language is gift giving and physical touch. He loves to give and receive gifts (but please, please do not read that as give him more gifts!!). He is also constantly touching, hanging, tickling, wanting to wrestle...you name it, it is completely opposite of me and something I have had to really work on.

Phew. If you made it through that post (if anyone even still checks this blog!) I commend you. You're now all caught up on my kiddos. At some point I'll catch up on Ryan and myself...but let's me honest, that's not why anyone reads this blog :)

Playing catch up--Halloween

Heaven

A walk surrounded by fall leaves and my 3 boys.

Don't get lost

A couple of weeks ago we took Daddy to the pumpkin patch. It was significantly colder than the first time we went though Kadyn didn't seem to mind. The boys desperately wanted to give the corn maze a try (which also shielded us from the wind and gave a chance to warm up) and after completing the "easy" version relatively fast they insisted on giving the hard one a go. Fortunately there was a map that accompanied the maze because after 20 minutes of wandering around we were getting nowhere fast. We were lucky enough to be able to find where we were on the map and make our way out and it still took another 30+ minutes.  Kadyn's teacher actually said her kids were in tears by the time they finished because they were never able to find where they were on the map and just wandered aimlessly. Per the boy's instructions we stopped at every Pac Man and took a picture. After 4 pictures of them just standing there I had them mix it up a bit which they thought was great.

The "so sad we're lost" face

The "oh my goodness it's PINK" face

The "kissing" face (just pretend) 

The "jump as high as you can" face 

Kadyn has a pretty good eye with the camera.