Amusing searches, Vol. 16

Google's admirable privacy efforts are slowly draining me of this source of amusement and education, but while I still have some material left, here are some of the most amusing searches that have brought people here since the last edition.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• nitpicking in conversation (New York, NY) - According to at least half of the people I've ever spoken to for more than a few minutes, you've come to the right place.

• "punch a bird in the face" (Fairfax, VA) - I'm picturing that would probably hurt your fist more than the bird's face, what with the beak and all.

• self conscious and nervous (London, U.K.) - Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for checking.

• my three year old son hides penis (Seoul, Korea) - Really, it's "where" and "how" he's hiding it that should be the focus of your concerns.

• "piss around the house" (Edinburgh, Scotland) - I have the same habits, but I try to concentrate my fire around a couple central areas, ones with convenient bowls that offer some kind of satisfying splashing sound.

Classic quotes, Vol. 36

Here's a selection of some recent notable quotes, this time from my wife J-, our 5-year-old daughter M-, and our 1 year-old son E-:

M- (looking at a picture of a llama, with a tone suggesting it had personally done something to offend her): Seriously?? There's no hump on this camel!

J- (spacing out while talking to E-, who was getting into things in the kitchen as she read a dessert recipe): No, put that down, Lemon!

M- (overselling it a bit, referring to E- having grabbed at her Swedish pancake and knocked it to the floor, after the waitress had assured her it would be replaced): Well! THAT will be quite the story to tell my kids, when I have kids!

J- (explaining her love for birds of prey): See, the thing is, I find all other birds repulsive.* But owls, and falcons... I love them, for some reason.

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* Sorry, bird lovers: On review, she reiterated her unusual position that "repulsive" is not too strong a word, and yes, she meant "all". Even blue jays, and cardinals, and doves... and lovebirds, and sparrows, and hummingbirds... and all your favorites. ESPECIALLY your favorites.....

A conversation between M- and J-: It is risen

The following conversation between my 5-year-old daughter M- and my wife J- took place during our multi-state car trip right before Easter, during which my wife indulged in many of her Rhode Island favorites from childhood, including "Easter bread", a very sweet, iced treat:

J- (concerned that the kids have buried and/or crushed the loaf we were taking home, somewhere in the van): Where's the Easter bread?

M- (immediately jumping in, with a "Magical Storytime" voice all cued up): He stays in a nook, faaaaar under the ground...

J- (interrupting, totally confused): What??

Me (realizing the disconnect): No, the Easter BREAD.

M-: OHHHhhhhhhhh!

J- (cutting through the visions of candy and gifts, to the most important matter at hand): So... you don't know where the bread is?

They were definitely very happy to have the Easter Bunny himself leave his beloved nook to visit shortly after this, though he didn't leave us any Easter bread. Just lots of what I could only assume were jelly beans...

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, J- conversations, and (8YO son) D- conversations.