Decision made

I've made up my mind. In fact, I've executed my plan, I've completed whatever I need to do.

I really felt the pressure from my seniors to give in, since they wanted someone else, and so I really felt pointless if I were to push on and maintain my cause. I wanted to do something, but people weren't giving me the chance to, and neither were they as supportive as I hoped for. The best thing I would do is to leave, and I've left. I've made up my mind to leave, and not even join. I'm SUCH a big time loser, I have to admit. I'm not headstrong and decisive enough to accept something in the first place, and to even think of taking up that kind of responsibility.

It's not that I don't want to commit, it's that the other candidate is more committed than me. I just hope I don't look back at my decision and regret. I feel redundant, and I'm probably redundant, and I don't want to get myself involved anymore. It's not that I don't feel for it, it's just that there's no cause for me to stay any longer.

I've been really spending quite alot of time trying to get my school work back on track, I guess another push factor is that I've been thinking of re-prioritising my life, and I feel that school work comes right at the top now that I'm no longer going to be involved in hall activities. I wanted to, in the form of leadership, but I succumbed under pressure and gave up what I wanted. Yes, you guys were my push factor, and I am REALLY honestly quite upset about it, with the amount of support you promised, but I felt that suddenly you wanted someone else. And also, in the process, I left something I cared for so much for greener pastures. I am stressed. I am really stressed.

On a bynote, !n S0ng is over, I had fun singing with the lao-laos and the rest of my junior batch girls and guys who joined. I had a blast of a time, pigging out on cakes at Cafe Cartel with my batch people - gosh, I miss you guys so much! I really enjoyed singing with Ch0rale and I'm certainly looking forward to other projects! Though for now, I'm taking a break, I will be back for carolling, but most certainly not Olympics. I'm sorry about that. Money IS the issue, and I'm pretty tied down now that my life is in a total mess and I need to get myself together and strive for better things in life.

Now, what should I join? I'm thinking of joining something varsity!

In a huge dilemma

I have no idea what to do.

On one hand, I'm not that willing to commit. This thing will definitely take up a pretty large portion of my time, yet on the other hand, I know by throwing the ball to someone else will just harm that person. The very thought of it makes me cringe.

But yet, this other person is willing to do something, which, I am not willing to do, and honestly, he's probably a better candidate than me, cos he's staying in year three, but I'm not going to do so. There needs to be a continuity of some sort, and things shouldn't just like that because of me.

How I wish things weren't this complicated. And it seems like the rest of the world (meaning, my seniors) is ready to accept this other person instead, and wants to give him this chance, so what should I do?

To withdraw or not to withdraw?

WHY IN THE WORLD IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO DECIDE?!?!?!?!!?!

I'm so dead, so so dead. I have a lesson at 830 later, but I'm not asleep yet. My bio clock is really going to be really screwed. Great. I spent the last three hours + several hours before that contemplating about what to do.

And yet at the very last hour, I got my friend to apply for me, and I'm just going to kick myself in the ass for taking such a long time to decide. Yes, I have to agree, my decision making is girly. But what to do? What could I have done?

Do I really need to talk to him? Do I really want to withdraw?

I have the feeling that I won't get as much support as I should have if I don't withdraw. And I just got this feeling now... But yet again, *urgh*... I don't know....... ): My bed is waiting for me. I should go.

someONE

The new school term has started, and I've been going for lectures with my ISE gang, who are mostly fantastic people. This group of friends is made up of mq, me, mq's friends and mq's friends' friends - 7 of us, 6 of us who did ie project together last semester. And after one project, after one semester as strangers and another semester as classmates, we have all merged into this inseparable and rather exclusive group. However, someONE from "the other class" managed to squeeze into the group to join us, don't ask me how, but I think cos mq and yv were in her class last semester and them being girls, went for lessons together, and so somehow that someONE joined us too, for lectures and for lunches this semester etc.

And it has come to my notice recently that someONE is one kiasu student, who's forever borrowing people's notes to copy, as if she hasn't already borrowed notes from a couple of million people beforehand. I cannot stand sitting beside her during lectures, especially since she asks the stupidest questions and disrupts my concentration. AND she doesn't seem to understand that I'm rather isolationist when it is lecture time, cos I want to listen. If you have any questions, ask someone else, or ask me after the lecture. Ask me during the lecture and disturb me and you will just be greeted by a grumpy old me. *grunts* Well, someONE is just so numbskull and cannot sense that. How silly.

Furthermore, someONE takes it for granted that we SHOULD and WILL save a seat for her before lectures, cos she's usually late. And who says that we want to sit with her? I'm on the verge of sitting beside the guys in the future at the other end of our usual formation, just to run away from her. I cannot, I repeat, I cannot stand sitting beside her!!! It happened today, cos only someONE and my other friend K were going for the MA lecture. The rest of us did not go, cos it's on webcast. But K just messaged me and told me that someONE didn't save a seat for her. What a stupid girl. Not to mention, someONE just went up to K and asked K for yv's notes and K's notes, to copy. Furthermore, I overheard someONE asking this other classmate that she wants to borrow his notes (the same module). Ya. Like borrowing notes from a million people will result in her getting a A++++.

At MA tutorial this afternoon, two P*C girls who were in my class last two semesters were doing tutorial 2 when the tutor was going through tutorial 1. And us being us, we just commented, oh man, how come they are doing tutorial 2 already - and instantaneously, we all felt that we should be more on the ball and do our work more consistently instead! Then when the news was spread to someONE, someONE blatantly said they do not stay in hall, so don't have that much commitments. *oh pls*. I will not let hall get in the way of my school work, of my commitments. I will not use hall as an excuse for not doing my work. Using hall as an excuse won't get me anywhere.

someONE is really getting on my nerves. Don't irritate me... Don't irritate me... Don't irritate me...
I bite, so stay away!

P/S: Oh, did I mention that I'm not the only one who feels that someONE is annoying?

On being happy

It's been a while since I was really, truly happy. I feel that each day is a farce, I'm living each day in someone else's shoes.. I'm simply, just not myself any longer. In fact, I haven't been happy for quite a while, to the point I can't even remember how I was like before. I used to be that cheerful teenager back then, but I've changed - I've become cold, hard and unrelenting. How terrible. -.-"

Nothing exactly has happened, things (meaning relationships, results, moods) has just degenerated with time. I was just reading some of my archives, and I realised that my resolution for Sem2 at the beginning of this year was to turn into a mugger and study hard. But I had loads of other activities which occupied my time with, and so I did try my best to put in maximum time available into my studies, but(!) I still didn't do well. Wasn't managed to pull my cap up at all, and it was really sickening. Now as for this coming sem, I really HAVE TO (and i mean it) pull my cap up. Think everyone thinks the same way too, but it's annoying how some people who already has a cap of >4.5 telling me that the cap is way too low and she still has to pull it up. -_-"""""""""""" Blah! Whatever lah.

Been moody recently, a few people have commented that I am easily irritated nowadays, and honestly, I have no idea why is this so. I thought it was that time of the month (yeah, partly), but it isn't entirely that reason. Owell. Go away, moods! RAaarrrRRhhh!!

Okay. Gotta rush off for chorale now. I still haven't done my 1102tut. Kill me. Better get it done/try it tonight. I have tut on monday! Help!

CORS tutorial balloting

This is a screenshot of the error message almost all nus students received yesterday at tutorial balloting.

We all spent hours trying to ballot for tutorials, thanks to an overloaded server.

In the end, managed to login late at night (cos the deadline was extended, thankfully!), but I didn't get my IE tutorial! *wails* *grunts* *pouts* *screams*

Hope the appeal goes through. I don't want:

#1: To go for the Friday class T4 which is at a totally awkward timing..
#2: To go for T1 or T2 alone! ): Yes, I'm not yet 20, let me be childish and dependent on others.

// Hahaha. Roll on floor laughing.

In disarray

It has really been a long time since I last blogged. I've been staring at my comp since 9am this morning, trying to login to CORS so that I can ballot for my tutorials. But guess what, till now, one lunch later, one cup of coffee later, one round of news readings and blog surfing later, I'm still waiting for the page to load. Darn. The server is down, unfortunately.

I'm tired and sleepy, and it's been a really busy and hectic week. And I've turned to webcast for a certain lecture, was watching webcast last night on my laptop cos I was simply too lazy to go for the 4-6pm lecture @ Science yesterday. Same goes for today. Owell. I'm terrible eh.

I'm absolutely not in the mood for studying, but I know I have to. Several things need to be put in place now that I'm already year two. I need to pull my cap up. I need to think about the money. I need to do something to keep myself from turning into an anti-social freak cum mugger. I need to dodge the arrows which have been shooting at me by my hall choir people + the higher level. I need to rethink my priorities and set them straight.

Currently crazy over this song..

Corrinne May - Fly Away

When will you be home?" she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer
to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as I crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away


Till next time! Gotta go get some work done. :) Class at 4pm later!

Darn

I feel so damn lost. ):

What the *tooot* is happening. I feel so damn lost. Urg.

Publicity poster for In Song 2005!