Adventures In Green Juice - Part 1

Every morning I use this...

to make this...

It is oh so tasty...

and good for me...


BUT.


That's a lot of produce and a lot of work for a small glass of juice....

and produce is expensive...

especially organic produce.


SO.


When I have one of those days I so frequently have...

you know, one of those days...

a day where I know why I wear the self-imposed label of super klutz.

It's days like these when I sometimes find myself crying a river...

A green river...

Don't You Just Hate It When...

...you feel stupid?

I'm not sure it happens to everyone. But it happens to me.

Often.

Too often.

Today I share Stupid Moment #1:

Obviously I'm not the multi-tasker I once was. During a recent early morning phone conversation with a friend, I was attempting to gather the trash on my way out the door for work, all the while picking up random this and that, stuffing it here and there.

With my house on the market, I do my best to keep things orderly should I get a much awaited phone call stating my house will be shown.

A little side note: I have no idea why I bother. The only showings have been on days when I was running so late I left the house in complete disarray. Maybe this should be my new approach.

Messy house equals visits from potential buyers???

Then again, that may be why potential buyers have not potentially bought. 

So...back to my story. I'm always running late and this day was no exception. Picture me scrambling about the house jabbering away. One last look around assured me the house would pass muster but there was one problem.

Something was missing.

The one thing I cannot get through any day without. It is imperative to my survival. In other words...my life depended on finding it.

I frantically began retracing my steps in search of said important object. I began digging through drawers and closets, flinging about all the this and that I had just stashed here and there.

When it appeared I wouldn't find this thing as vital to my existence as oxygen, I interrupted the conversation to make this most panicked statement...

"Hold on! I have to go! I'm late for work and I can't seem to find my phone!!!"

I'm thinking I need to learn to be happy feeling stupid. Looks like the "stupids" are here to stay.

Doing a Drive By

Seeing as life is sucking up all my time, I thought it best to stop in with a quick hello rather than wait for time to write a proper post. Life has become the whirlwind it once was and I'm doing my best impersonation of a sprinter in my efforts to keep up. That is NOT a complaint! Life is more than good! Here are but a few of my latest reasons to shout Woo Hoo!:

• The writer/publisher LOVED (her emphasis, not mine) the photos so I'm working hard at improving my photography skills. So excited! So, so excited!

• I'm working out again. Although I worked out throughout the majority of my treatments, I had to tone things down a bit. At the end of radiation, I hit a wall and my energy was gone. Zapped. Drained. My gas tank was on empty. I have never felt so helpless in my life. It has taken months to reclaim a "pep in my step" but I'm getting there. I worked out 3 times this week...at the same level I worked prior to my diagnosis...AND...I didn't immediately fall in the bed and stay there for 3 days! YAY!

• The clinical trial at Duke is a no-go. There were complications with registration prior to the trial closing. Everyone has been concerned I would be upset. But I'm not. I simply see it as God closing the door. He is SO good to do things like that!

• I'm working longer hours. While that may not sound like something to celebrate, for a work-a-holic like me...it is definitely a good thing. Those 40 hour work weeks feel much better when you add another hour or two... or three or four... here and there.

• I'm finally getting my scrapping groove on! After my time on various design teams ended, I suffered major burn-out. Try as I might to scrap, I just couldn't find my mojo. Lately I've been dreaming of layout ideas... of paint and paper and scissors..Oh My!

• My social life is back in full swing! Time with friends, friends and more friends! I've even gone on a few dates. Yes. Yes. There could be possible future posts coming on this subject. ;-)

Although that doesn't cover everything, it covers most things....lots and lots to be thankful for!

So tell me, what are you celebrating or most thankful for today?

Photography 101

Last night I had the opportunity to use my camera in something other than auto mode... something I've rarely done. Seems my mother has been promoting herself and one of her friend's decorating skills for publication. Both have filled their homes with primitive antiques. Both have magazine-worthy homes.

An author whose focus is on highlighting primitive antiques is interested in featuring their homes in her upcoming publications. Sample photos were needed to decide if their decor was in keeping with the theme and feel of her books. I quickly volunteered to use my less than stellar photography skills to capture the sample images.

These are a few of the photos taken. (click on the photos for a larger image)

I was ever so grateful these are only to be used as samples and the focus is on content, not the quality of the photos. I've noticed the images are darker when viewed on my work computer than when viewing on my home computer. Leaves me to wonder how they will appear when viewed by the author???

Not to make excuses, but I was shooting in very low light in most rooms and I was digging deep to remember all I've learned in Photography 101 about shooting in such conditions. Trust I will be studying and refreshing my memory on the subject. If the author/publisher likes what she sees, I will be photographing both "J's" house and my mother's house at Christmas. They both decorate for the holidays in their incredible vintage style.

If chosen, the photos...yes...MY photos... will be published in a 2012 Christmas publication!

Wish me luck.

Mom and "J" have their part in the bag.

Me?

Well...I'm off to practice. For as they say...practice makes perfect! And I need all the help I can get!

Stirring Things Up - The Season Premiere

Here we go folks! We are back to our regularly scheduled program. I'm referring to the "show" that is my life. Although we recently took a break from broadcasting the shenanigans of our mixed up, messed up leading lady (that would be me), we are now back in action!

Last year our season finale took an unexpected twist when our heroine (I so love that label) faced serious, life threatening illness. The writers of this not-exactly-ready-for-prime-time drama struggled to generate captivating episodes on the subject for the new season. It was simply too humorless and often times grim...not exactly in keeping with the flippant and sometimes inappropriate main character they had worked so hard to create. There was even consideration given to cancelling the series altogether. The intended story line was no longer there.

However, meetings were held, story lines were pitched and negotiations were made resulting in the network honchos agreeing to another season. The writers have been collaborating over how to reintroduce our protagonist. Obviously the character we all know and love (it's my story here so I am going with the assumption we all love our diva) has changed. Still wanting to tap into her spirit and spunk, they have been working diligently to craft stories that meld the two sides of her personality...the old, naive, believe-life-will-go-on-forever side with the new, more-aware-than-ever-life-can-bite-you-in-the-ass-and-end-tomorrow side.

One aspect of seasons past that will be carried forward into the new season is what we will call the "curve ball effect". Just when you think our heroine is safe and you are sure of her intended course, a curve ball is throw in to stir things up and the plot begins to thicken. As with all good dramas, the viewers (and quite frankly the heroine herself) are left wondering what will happen next.

When we last left our warrior princess, she had just come face to face with her worries regarding her recent health battles and the fear of a recurrence. Knowing she would no longer be visiting her team of medical doctors on a monthly basis, she felt she was stepping into uncharted waters without a life vest.  As the scene came to a close, we were left with the impression she would be venturing back into the world of "normal" where medical issues were not the pressing order of the day. She was choosing to speed forward with a renewed sense of living life to the fullest, leaving her fears in the dust all the while shouting "Cancer be damned!"

But our writers found that boring.

It was time to up their game and interject more frenzy and fuss to the picture. It was time to stir things up.

 Here is a recap of our most recent episode:

• Our opening scene begins with our leading lady making a four hour drive to the infamous Duke Medical Center for a second opinion regarding continued treatments of her life-saving drug Herceptin. Duke's resident expert, Dr. "B", strongly encouraged her to discontinue Herceptin. The benefits of continuing were not proven yet the risks to her heart were great. A suggestion was made to consider enrolling in a clinical trial for a new drug, Neratinib. This drug would offer many of the same benefits of Herceptin without the heart risks. The downside is the drug is not yet approved by the FDA and the protocol of the trial only allows a 50/50 chance of receiving the drug over a placebo.

• Very little thought was needed before the decision was made to follow Dr. "B's" advice. With her mother and friend, "K", to keep her company, our heroine embarked on a day of scans and tests to verify her eligibility to participate in the trial. The trio of characters arrived at the Medical Center at 7:30 am and didn't leave until 11:00 pm. It made for a long, exhausting day. An enormous amount of information relating to the prevention of another encounter with the "c" beast was also offered up by Dr. "B". It was overwhelming but reassuring. As we cut to commercial, the women set out on the long trek home in the wee morning hours with a sense of hope and peace that only comes from hearing what you want to hear.

• The next few days were a whirlwind of phone calls and online searches. Decisions needed to be made regarding an additional procedure and the changing of a maintenance drug. More tests were to be performed on the original biopsy and a nutritionist needed to be contracted as a new member of the show-cancer-who's-boss team.

• Things seemed to be going well until... all hearts stopped and the background music swelled as a phone call came suggesting changes had been found on the recent MRI! What had been the source of her most recent fears could quite possibly be reality...the cancer may have returned. With a weekend to wait for the final results of the current MRI, our heroine made the decision to dig in her heels and not let fear control her. She had given cancer the finger once...she could certainly do it again.

• The episode ends with the news that all is well...it had been a false alarm. No significant changes were found in the MRI. We fade to black as our star lifts her eyes to the sky and offers prayers of thanksgiving.

Tune in next time to see how the clinical trial affects our champion (another word I'm loving) and to witness her fate as she begins her new life as a survivor!

A Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Moment

I selected this post to be featured on Breast Cancer Blogs. Please visit the site and vote for my blog!

Last week I had my "last" appointment with my oncologist. Technically, it was the last appointment related to my year long course of treatment. Semi-annual follow up appointments are my new norm. Due to the nature of my cancer, I don't think I will officially be free of Dr. "W" until...like...well...never. Yet when I left his office last week, I did so without having an exact return date.

A first in over a year.

My next appointment won't be for 6 months which is far enough into the future they could not schedule my appointment at this time. While I'm sure this doesn't sound unreasonable to most, to a cancer fighting chica six months is an eternity.

Since the end of August last year I have had 116 cancer related medical appointments. How do I know?

I counted.

And that was only those recorded on my company calendar. There were several not posted during my absence after surgery. Who knows what the true number is. Considering the ginormous amount of poking and prodding I received over the course of a year one would think I would be thrilled to be released back into the world of only-go-to-the-doctor-when-you-feel-like-you-are-gonna-die.

But I wasn't thrilled. Something was nagging me and it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

After chatting it up with Dr. "W" and being informed I was a free woman, at least for a while, I did what I always do...climbed in the car for the 20 minute drive home. This post-appointment commute time is always reserved for processing all the information thrown at me during my most recent visit. It is used to focus on the positive and for directing my attention to the remaining battles to be fought. However this time things were different. My commute was cut short. Why?

I fell apart.

No amount of "processing" could prevent the tidal wave of tears that began to flow from my eyes. The flood gates had opened. I had a meltdown to rival all meltdowns. Unable to drive, I pulled into the first empty parking space I could find at a nearby grocery store and cried like never before. It was such an ugly cry too. One complete with runny nose, heaving sobs and hiccups. As I sat in the parking lot, wailing like a baby, the only thought running through my mind was...

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!? 


In other words... 


WTF?!?!?


Before we go any further, I need to explain the significance of the above obscenity. I'm one of those who rarely uses the "f" word. I'm not saying that makes me bigger or better than anyone who does. It just isn't my go-to-swear word. Trust that I do spew forth a few curse words from time to time...my most favorite being shit. And I say it with a true country girl twang. So it sounds more like "sh-ee-et"...all long and drawn out. I've tried to train myself to say it in a more refined way but it just ain't gonna happen. When cussing, my country roots are hard-wired into my system with no means to over-ride them.

I also would be lying if I said I've never dropped the "f" bomb because I have. Most often in times of great distress. Yet even with obvious times of "great distress" such as divorce and cancer being a part of my past, I still haven't used the word that often. So...when my only thought was WTF, I knew something was seriously wrong. My reaction was completely unexpected. For the life of me I could not figure out what was the source of my anxiety. Should I not be happy my journey through hell was over?

Again...Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!?


Once I squeezed out every single tear I could possibly muster up, my mind cleared enough for me to see the reason for my sob fest.

I was afraid.

And rightfully so. No longer would I be under a doctor's watchful eye. I would be on my own for 6 long months. Sure...that doesn't sound like such a great deal of time before my next check in for a check up. But the fact remains that last year I went from a clean mammogram to full-blown stage 3 cancer in 8 short...very short...months. The thought of what could happen during these 6 months was more than I could take.

When my battle began, the "c" beast tried to catch me unaware. It craftily worked its wiles without so much as a hint of its existence. When it attacked, it came fully prepared to be make a BIG statement in spite of me doing my part to avoid its invasion or at least arrest the rogue cells early.

I did annual mammograms.

I did self-exams.

I was very aware of my body.

I had done all we are told to do for early detection. Yet none of this prevented the onslaught of an aggressive enemy determined to take me out. I did not catch the "c" creature in its early stages. It had won the first battle with a surprise attack...a fact I could not deny. A fact I had not really considered until now. Thoughts swirled around the question of what if the slain beast resurrects itself. It was time to deal with the horrific thought that the cancer could come back.

No cancer fighting warrior wants to believe the battle is not yet over...or even worse...that they may eventually lose the fight. But the hard cold truth is that a recurrence could happen. Cancer is a formidable opponent. Until a cure is found, it can and will win at times. This past year alone, I lost two very dear friends to this monster. Both battled breast cancer. Both were young. Both did everything they could to fight. But they lost. And my heart is broken.

I am well aware of the severity of my situation and I intend to give it the respect it deserves. But I refuse to give it anything more than that. My time in the grocery store parking lot left me with a lot more than a red nose and puffy eyes. When I shifted my car into drive and headed home, I did so with a new resolve to enjoy the moment. To live today with no fear of tomorrow. Cancer claimed this past year of my life. For now, I am cancer free. Why in the world should I give the horrid "c" creature one more second than is needed to obliterate it from my being?

I am alive.

And I'm going to live.

I will not give in to my fears of what could or could not happen. I will enjoy each day without a worry of what tomorrow will bring.

In other words...

I drove home with a smile on my face for I felt I had found the perfect way to tell cancer to "F(oxtrot) off"!

When a 1/2-Inch Isn't Exactly a 1/2-Inch

So...

They say hair grows at the rate of a 1/2-inch per month. While not considered a substantial amount, when comparing "no hair" to a 1/2-inch of hair, I'll take what I can get and be happy for it.

Before losing my hair and many times after, I did numerous google searches on hair growth. I consider myself a true "google girl" because I google anything and everything. Knowing I was about to become a baldy prompted many online queries on hair in general. The consensus regarding growth rate was exactly as stated above. So when I read to expect 1/2-inch growth, I expected exactly that...1/2-inch each month. And who would blame me for believing?

I got my info from the internet.

And we all know the world wide web doesn't lie?

Bahhaha!

In all my research, no one stated the 1/2-inch would be given to me with conditions. Actually, I'm stretching the truth just a bit. Exceptions and conditions were given...I just didn't want to believe them....I wanted to hang onto the hope of getting my 1/2-inch of hair each month! You know, positive thinking at its finest. But just like everything in life, there are exceptions to every rule.

One condition mentioned is the medication I'm taking could hinder normal growth. Given this drug is saving my life...well...I guess you can see why this growth inhibitor is pretty easy to accept. Another relates to my overall health. Okay...I just went head to head with Stage 3 cancer. I'm thinking my overall health hasn't been exactly working in my favor. And still another rests on the amount of rest I'm getting. Does that mean I need to slow down and smell the roses? I have yet to master that one. Rest isn't in my vocabulary. Factor in stress and the fact we are all "unique individuals with differing growth rates", I can't help but wonder why "they" ever made the 1/2-inch promise to begin with? Like...don't we all experience stress? And just who are "they" anyway?

Chemo ended February 4th. It is now September 19th. That is just over 7 months (7-1/2 months to be exact). I should have 3-1/2 inches of hair (technically 3-3/4 inches). No?

But I don't.

I have just over 2 inches.

Guess I'm one of those "unique individuals with a differing growth rate".

Mind you, I'm not complaining. I'm actually enjoying the process. If you had told me I would have uttered those words prior to losing my hair, I would have laughed in your face. But things have changed for me. I used to find my state of being all wrapped up in the kind of hair day I was experiencing. A good hair day meant an overall good day...a bad hair day...well...that just sucked! Now my hair carries very little weight with regard to my disposition. It just isn't that important anymore.

That being said, I really do miss my long hair and you can bet I'm letting it grow at whatever rate it will grow, doing everything I can to accelerate the process, all in hopes of having long hair again. In the meantime, I'm working to embrace each growth phase...trying my darnedest to "rock" each "look" along the way.

But I have a point to make. Don't I always? I've stumbled upon another life lesson in the arena of hair growth. I know...I seriously over-analyze everything. A life lesson from hair??? Hmmm....

The point I want to make is simply this. We all get caught up in expectations and in so doing, we can sometimes miss the thrill of the ride. We are too busy looking for what we think we should be getting and find ourselves not enjoying what we have.

I'll go ahead and admit it...I do pull out the ruler each month to see how much my hair has grown. And I will continue to do so. Just so you know, watching hair grow is a clear reminder of the truth behind the saying "a watched pot never boils". Repeatedly measuring hair growth is a futile process. But I can't help myself....I'm anal that way. However, I no longer whine about how slow it is growing. Let's face it...it's only hair. I've been without and survived.. I think life will most certainly go on...

even if my 1/2-inch isn't exactly a 1/2-inch.

Met up with any unrealized expectations lately? If so, how did you handle them?

Faith Defined

Faith can be a difficult thing to define. Then again, it can be quite simple. In a nutshell, faith is nothing more than a belief in something. Yet for me, it goes far beyond that. Faith is what gets me through each day. It is the guiding light that fills all the dark times. It provides the power that propels me forward when I feel like giving up. Without faith, I would be nothing.

Sometimes I get my inspiration for posts from the most unexpected places. The catalyst for this one came from an episode of "Millionaire Matchmaker". Okay. Okay. So I just admitted to watching some skanky TV. But believe it or not, a very powerful statement came from last week's marathon. (Ahem...I watched 3 episodes ...back to back...followed by an episode of "Dance Moms". .. and I would have watched "Russian Dolls"... but I had to work the next day and it was getting late. No need to judge me over my viewing choices...I already judge myself harshly enough...umkay?)

One of the millionaires was actually a nice guy. Unlike the other sex-crazed, douche bag featured, this guy seemed to have his shizz together. When Patti was quizzing him with regard to his preferences, he divulged past hurts. We could see ...and feel...the wounds of his broken heart. It was a totally "awww" moment. A rather unpredictable "sweetness" for a show that can be...okay...is... most often crude.

Then it happened. That knock-me-off-my-seat moment when a statement was made that caused a million light bulbs to go off in my head at once. Thank goodness for Ti-Vo as I had to replay the sentiment over and over lest I heard wrong. It was "Millionaire Matchmaker". No way in the world something this profound could be found amongst the smut. Yet there it was. An "aha" moment wrapped up in a neat little trash-TV package. This is the thought shared by the wounded, wealthy man.

"Don't pray for one to love. Pray to be ready for them when they come."

Now I'm not saying the likes of Patti Stanger is out there peddling faith wielding promos with her prime-time spot but I found this to be pretty inspiring. It is in keeping with the way my prayers have been going of late. Yes, people, even repulsive-but-sucks-you-in-anyway reality TV can offer a pearl of wisdom every now and again.

You see, a few weeks ago, I felt like my prayers were on auto-pilot. A feeling I often get. I seemed to be asking for the same things over and over again. I was getting tired of hearing myself so I knew God couldn't help but be bored to tears. However, nothing had changed. My requests were the same. Then one day as I began my litany of petitions, a thought hit me... right between the eyes. God heard me the first time I made my requests. And the second. And the third. And so on. And so on. What if I just accepted that He would answer my prayers in the way He sees fit... which is what I want anyway... and simply thank Him for what He is going to do?

In advance.

Because I believe in answered prayer and stuff like that.

You know...kinda like putting my faith to the test.

Scripture states the only way to make God happy is to have faith in Him. To trust Him. To seek Him. To believe He will never forsake those who seek Him. Well...not to sound all pious and such ...but I felt I had the "seeking" part down. What was missing was the faith. The belief that He will bring good things. That even in my darkest days when no answers are to be found, He is there offering hope that only comes from Him. He can and will bring me peace. People, I should know this! I've lived it this past year. Yet, there I was, not taking that additional "leap of faith".

Now much of my prayer time is praise time. And my days are much brighter as a result. I still have requests and I continue to seek Him in all things. But those circumstances that require time and patience are handled differently. I lay them out and let them go. Then I transition to a state of gratitude. Do I know how God will answer my prayers? Not at all. Do I believe He will? You bet. Just like the statement from the millionaire of last week's viewing pleasure, I'm no longer focused on asking for what I want. I now yearn to have a heart that is prepared to receive what is to come. For I know He has plans for me.

So I ask to be ready.

I thank Him in advance.

And life couldn't be better.

So tell me...what do you do to get out of a prayerful rut? Do you find it easy or difficult to believe God hears you?

A Resurrection

Hello, dear blog friends! I'm back and oh how I've missed you! Life is finally returning to a somewhat normal state...depending on how you define normal...so I felt it high time I jump back on the blogging bus.

As you would assume, so much has happened during my time of silence. Much of it would be deemed blog worthy and then some of it not so much. For those who have been long time blog friends, you know I rarely label anything off limits when it comes to sharing here. Let's face it, a girl who writes about her fat feet, over-grown breasts, a nightmarish exam of her lady parts and random marathon pee sessions...well...I guess you could say there ain't much left to deem "private". But the journey I've been on has left me in a foreign land. One where I'm not sure of my feelings let alone understanding how to share them. One where fear, pain, hope and overwhelming gratitude reside side by side. I've been dwelling in a land of rediscovery... running in circles trying to settle into this "new world". I would be lying if I said the transition has been easy. But I can promise it has been worth the struggles.

The original purpose of this blog was to simply write about the changes brought about by children fleeing the nest and learning to navigate those changes as a single girl. That time of "life change" is over. Another curve ball called cancer was thrown my way. As the "c" devil came crashing in everything else seemed less important. It felt as if my old life was dead. So I buried it. Along with this blog.

Now...life has been resurrected. I'm on the other side. Living in a new world. And I want to share. So I'm resurrecting this spot in cyber space. I'm back with new stories. New insight. New perspectives. I hope you all will follow along as there is nothing to make a "new land" feel more like home than visits from old friends.

Happy Monday to you! Hope to see ya around!
-L

Does It Bear Repeating???

It's Friday! My most favorite work day! Given the warmer temperatures and the fact it is a celebration Sunday, I'm especially looking forward to this weekend. Anyone else out there catch yourself wishing your life away by counting the minutes until the weekend begins? I'm working hard at not doing that...not wishing away a single precious moment. But I swear, it is really hard not to keep my eyes focused on Fridays.

Since I've been growling and grumbling over my recent run-in with writer's block and the guilt that comes with not posting frequently, I decided to take a different approach to the situation. I'm going to re-post an old post of mine in hopes of finding a hint of inspiration somewhere.

For most of you, this will be new crap...errr...material. Last year I started a separate, more private blog, where I recorded my dating adventures. I've decided to resurrect a post from that blog... from way back when. That long-ago-almost-forgotten-although-it-was-only-months-ago time period when the "c" word was not part of my world.

Thanks to a gift of a now-one-of-my-most-favorite books from a special someone last week and because another super special someone gave me a Nook Color for my birthday, I've rekindled my love for reading. The gifts reminded me of the following post where I wrote about my long standing love affair with books and a comical occurrence during one of my visits to the book store.

Thanks for allowing me to stroll down memory lane and to those of you who were subjected to this with its original posting, please forgive the repeat performance.

Wishing you all a wonderful and most blessed weekend! -L

Thank You...I Think

Book stores are one of my loves. There's something about being surrounded by ink and paper that makes me smile. As I walk through the door, I feel a sense of peace yet excitement begins to pulse through my veins all at the same time. In my former life, when I seemed to have more time, I would wile away hours at Barnes & Noble. Often I could be found sitting in an aisle, books strewn all around me, deeply engrossed in story after story. Some days my passion would veer toward self-improvement manuals covering diet and fitness, fashion and relationships. Other days I would get lost in biographies, devouring details of the glamorous lives of others. I would log countless hours soaking up information on exotic locales, photography and art. I relished in technical manuals offering insight to web design, computer languages, accounting, marketing and small business ownership. Magazines were another source of entertainment. Stacks and stacks of periodicals would be precariously perched on the tiny table beside my tall-skinny-sugar-free-mocha-with-light-whip and I would flip through page after page concocting plans to incorporate the info from each article into my little world.

Knowledge is power. And books provide knowledge. For me, they also offer an escape. A way to vicariously live another life. To dream of bigger and better. They provide a window into worlds I will never experience. Books are my friends.

During all my visits to my most favorite haunt, I have never been approached by other customers. It is a time of solitude...something I expect and treasure. I never considered it a place for socializing. It is too difficult to start a conversation with someone totally engrossed in the written word. But last night was different. As I drove home from work, I had a sudden urge to visit my "friends". Given a lengthy list of chores awaiting me at home, the idea of losing myself among the pages of a craftily written tale was more than enticing.

Per my usual, I roamed the aisles gathering book after book then made my way to a vacant chair to begin my escape. It wasn't until I received a call from Keri that I noticed him. A guy sitting several feet away...and staring. I looked from side to side and behind assuming he most certainly would not be looking at me. But I was situated in a corner with nothing but walls of books surrounding me. Yes, I was the target of his stare. I politely smiled, continued my phone conversation then returned to my stories.

As I continued to sort through my selections, I began to have an eerie feeling come over me. Mr. Gazer kept staring...a strange, unsettling stare. After several minutes, I decided to move to another location in the store. And he followed. Thinking I was being paranoid, I did my best to stay focused on the task at hand but the stares continued. Mr. Gazer was ruining my mini-vacation. It was time to go home.

I quickly gathered my things and started to make my way toward the escalator. Mr. Gazer also stood to leave...but went the opposite direction. Breathing a sigh of relief, I emitted a tiny chuckle thinking I had been silly in my assumptions. I began to relax as I turned the final corner of the bookshelf maze and literally ran right into him.

Working to gather my composure, I tried to make my way around him but he was intent on striking up a conversation, yet he allowed no room for me to respond. Here is a recounting of his one-sided dialog...

"Do you know you are cute? Who does your hair? You really have a kissable face. You must be in real estate. I think you probably workout. Do you do lunges? You appear to have strong legs. I've been watching you and judging you, wondering if you are a good person. I often do that...evaluate the goodness of strangers. Your makeup is done just so...you did it right today. You are together but unapproachable. You must have been through a lot in your life. I just had to tell you I think you are cute. Did I say you have a kissable face...so, so cute. You remind me of my dog. Do you hike? Camp? Mountain Bike?"

I was rendered speechless. Didn't matter. He only wanted to hear himself talk. I finally asked with widened eyes and eyebrows raised, "So I look like your dog???" He smiled and continued with his monologue. I wanted to leave but my feet wouldn't move. Besides, I was somewhat trapped by the positioning of his body. I could turn and return the way I had come but my mind didn't register that thought at the time. I believe I was in shock. My escape came with the ringing of my phone. I muttered a half-hearted explanation that the call was important and pushed my way past him.

My question is this...was he for real? Did I fall prey to a sick pick up line? Did he truly think I would be flattered with his comments? And more importantly...do I really look like a dog???????????? *sigh* Well, at least I can console myself with the fact I'm cute and kissable.

The Silence Is Deafening...

I'm referring to this blog. My silence. On this here blog.

Oh how I want to write. How I need to write.

And I've tried.

I've sat at my computer...fingers poised and ready to type...and then...

Nothing.

All I get is nothing. How can that be? My mind is teeming with stories and thoughts that beg to be written. And still...

Nothing.

It isn't only here that I struggle. I rarely visit Facebook these days. And when I do, I can't even string a few words together to generate a status update. Or comment on the quips of others.

Emails sit in my inbox awaiting a reply. I've read them all. Then left them there. The number grows daily. And yet I do nothing.

Thank you notes are another issue. I have so many to write. I've been overwhelmed by the generosity of friends, family and even complete strangers. How can I not express my gratitude? I can't begin to count the times I've sat down with pen in hand and attempted to write a note of appreciation. Yet as with all other things requiring my cognitive skills these days, I simply get...

Nothing.

The silence is deafening. "Quiet" is not my style. It isn't a good thing. It has left me feeling empty and even worse...feeling guilty. But for now I can only say it is what it is.

In looking back over what I just wrote, it sounds as if I'm leaning toward being depressed...in need of medication. At the very least, it sounds like I need to drown my sorrows in a few drinks. But that's not the case. Not even close. I'm just suffering serious writer's block. Serious with a super-duper capital "S"!

I know a day is coming soon when life will return to normal. A time when my thoughts are no longer consumed with how to merge two full-time "jobs" and do them both justice. My normal 9 to 5 is anything but 9 to 5. I come in late. I leave early. I work all night. All this is done in an attempt to maintain the status quo and continue to earn my keep. All this is done because medical treatments, doctor's appointments and overall general health care are sucking up the remaining hours of my day.

However, the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight. Radiation has begun and should go quickly. Then life can begin to return to "normal"...whatever "normal" is.

Things have changed. They had to. And they will most likely change again. And again. And yet again. And that's okay. I just hope I can eventually get back to writing.

I miss it.

I don't believe this over-the-top-opinionated-chatter-box was ever meant to be silent.

A Holiday of Hope

This day, Good Friday, marks the beginning of a series of historical events planned to bring us hope.

To bring us life.

With the darkness of death came the light of salvation.

























May you all find the peace and hope this holiday brings...

Happy Easter!

Restless Soul

This is me right now.

A restless soul.

And I don't know why.

Life is really good.

I'm easing into a new norm.

Steadily busy.

No major ups or downs.

So why the unrest?

When I dig deep I find the answer.

I need to write.

All that I've experienced these past 8 months is struggling to find it's way out.

Consider this fair warning of what's to come.

No rhyme or reason to my posts.

No consistent thought pattern to follow.

Simply me...

recording my life...

my life as a cancer patient.

Until then...

"Story of My Life"

Stopping by to share my favorite song of late...recently rediscovered my love for Bon Jovi. I didn't even know I had so many Bon Jovi songs on the ol' Ipod. Call me crazy, but I'm totally unaware of what songs are actually on my Ipod. More often than not, when relying on the genius of Apple technology for my listening pleasure, I catch myself saying

"Wow! Didn't know I had THAT song. Too cool!"

I then proceed to hit the replay button time and time again.

That's the beauty of being technologically challenged...you rely on others to load your Ipod for you and then receive the benefit of all the musical surprises!

This song happens to be the current one on repeat status. The words are so fitting for how I feel in this given moment. I've included the lyrics beneath the video...hope you enjoy!!!

"Story Of My Life"

Yesterdays a memory
Another page in history
You sell yourself on hopes and dreams
That leaves you feeling sideways.
Tripping over my own feet
Trying to walk to my own beat
Another car out on the street trying to find the Highway
Yeah, Are you going my way?

[Chorus]
This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but grey
I know that no I'm not alright, but I feel ok cos
Anything can, everything can happen
That's the story of my life

I'm gonna write the melody
That's gonna make history,
And when I paint my masterpiece I swear I'll show you first
There just ain't a way to see who and why or what will be
Till now is then
It's a mystery, it's a blessing and a curse
Or something worse

[Chorus]

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday,
And I hope you're by my side when I'm writing the last page

[Chorus x2]

It's About Time...

to update my blog. Almost 2 full months have passed since my last update. I've been known to disappear from the cyber scene from time to time but I believe this is my most lengthy hiatus.

It's about time...

for some good news. Recent scans have shown that chemo is doing it's "thang"! No active cancer cells registered! Woo to the hoo and back again!!!

It's about time...

to say goodbye to chemo once and for all. Exactly 5 months ago today I had my first treatment. Tomorrow I will receive my last!

It's about time...

to get back to the land of the living. Not that I ever totally left. But I'm ready to reclaim some free time.

It's about time...

to get back to living at warp speed. To get about the business of creating a life full of adventure.

It's about time...

for me to get back to being me...

Really...

It's about time!!!