ANXIOUS

To do for MONDAY
1. Study RPD
2. Study Complete Dentures
3. Study Ortho
4. Read Past Papers

To do for TUESDAY
1. FIGURE OUT HOW TO DESIGN
2. Bend clasps!!!!!

To do for WEDNESDAY
1. CDH cramming
2. Perio rehash + Maintenance Lecture + Sem 1 Seminars/Acute Perio Conditions
3. Cons/TP
4. Read Past Papers

To do for THURSDAY
1. Read 2nd yr/3rd yr Caries (esp Radiographs!)
2. Read LA
3. Read AB prophylaxis

God please give me the strength and peace to get through all of this, in one piece, without failing anything :( PLEASE PLEASE :(
Amen.

As you as distracted as I am, for the same reason that I am?

***

You drive me so crazy. Studying with you so close to exams raises by BP. And yet, I enjoy it cos you're so intelligent! I could listen to you derive theories from facts you put together all day long. I wish I could be as clever as you are!

Your intrinsic curiousity attracts me. I used to be so curious, actually, I still am.. but I don't have enough time to search up everything I'm curious about. But you..you make time for things that really interest you.

Your cool/calm attitude - another thing I admire. Another quality I wish I had!!

When you read part of your essay to me...you somehow seem distracted... just as I was distracted watching you read it to me. Maybe it's cos I'm in a zombie-state (from sleep deprivation).. but.. my mind just drifted off.. to the land of "if only-s"

If only...I could call you my own.

GOALS & DREAMS

Today at church, we were reminded that those who wrote down their goals & dreams regardless of how illogical/impossible it presently seems, had a 100x more chance of actually achieving them. Of course, with the divide assistance of God, He will work through us to help us reach that goal :) But it's still important to DREAM BIG.

So instead of going on a long self-reflective journey right now (TOO STRESSED/BUSY), I will write down ONE GOAL I personally have right now, before I forget.

At the end of 2012, I will graduate from BDSc Melbourne Dental School. 

And the day I get my results, my facebook & twitter status will be, 

"You may now call me DR. AI LIN TAN. beetchaaaaaas!!!!!!"

Dream it, live it.

God please help me with exams, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Amen.

Don't Test It

Perhaps I was abit rash with my last post.

I conclude that:

1. I should not be so hopeful

2. I should not test myself with old flames - responses in reality have proven to be slightly unpredictable  despite very strong theoretical convictions.

3. Being stressed about everything messes up my judgement. A LOT.

4. Statement 3 may render statement 1 & 2 redundant.

Old love, New love

"New Love"

I've been so torn up about how I feel about you. I guess I'm still not completely sure.. mostly because I don't want to be the vunerable one. I don't want to NOT have the ball in my court. I don't want to lose control. But as time goes on, I really can't deny it anymore. I still don't get butterflies when I see you, but I know in my heart that when you're near, I light up from the inside out.

Your coming over to talk, even about study-stuff, makes me that much happier in these times of intense stress. I wish we could sit together in silence while studying for the whole day - study is less painful, when you're next to me. Cos you make me laugh like no other, make me smile like no other. Even when I make sarcastic comments about how silly you are sometimes - I say it with the fondest feelings.

You've given me so much - a new perspective, a new will to change, a new life. How is it possible for me to admire you, be so indebted to you and feel soo..infatuated (?) with you?

I just don't want to be another girl waiting in line for your attention. I want you to see me, and choose me, and tell me that you feel the same lift in your spirits everytime you see me. So until then, I will never let myself completely succumb to my growing feelings, I will never be 'in too deep' - because I will never be so naive and so trusting with my heart ever again. I don't want to get hurt.

"Old Love"

I bumped into you today. And yes, my heart still skipped a beat. But mostly from the surprise of seeing you face to face again, after so many months. We exchanges a few polite pleasantries - then parted. I walked back to my seat with a smile on my face - not because I am still infatuated with you, but the exact opposite.

You no longer have any pull on me. I can look at you, I can still say "wow he's hot", but you have ZERO pull on me. I don't wish for you, I don't hope for you...even if you were less complicated. I feel released from you - once a trap I could never escape. I didn't know it but I did in fact fall for your badboy charm and mysteriousness.

I still regard you as a friend. But I am sooooo glad that I no longer pine for your attention.
Thank you for the lessons I learnt, but I'm so glad I've moved on - almost without a scar :)

I admit, I'm a wuss.

Dear You,

I don't know what it is and I don't know why...But everytime I bump into you, I just don't know what to say. If it was anyone else, I'd just joke around or make small talk.. but with you.. I just.. don't know where to start. I've got so much to say, so much to ask, so much I want to know about you.. It's almost like I don't know what to say first...plus the fact that I don't want to appear like I am interested in you, for fear of people picking it up...for fear of YOU picking it up..and subsequently categorizing me into the 'avoid' pile.

Which brings me to my next point.. I DON'T EVEN KNOW if I am truly interested in you in that way. I mean, I don't get butterflies when I see you. I don't get nervous. I don't get the symptoms of having a crush. So what does that mean? I'm just interested in you because you're just an interesting person to me?

But then again, you're the last thought on my mind before I fall asleep..if I even get to fall asleep since I'm just thinking about you all the time - what you said, your messages, etc etc. I constantly hope that we'll end up together somehow.

You tick so many boxes for me.. but I'm not at all nervous when I'm around you.. more like, my head is BLANK. All I want to say to you is that you're so amazing. You're so inspirational. I want you to know how much I admire you, in everything. But I obviously can't say that when I bump into you at the corner of the street!

The logical part of me knows, that you are not interested in me in the same way as I am interested in you..(whatever way it is, seeing as I'm confused about that myself!) I wish/hope/pray that one day you will see me in that light.

With the fondest yet most unarticulated feelings,
Me

Here we are, sitting in a room.
All of my attention is on you.
You can hear rain from above.
I think i'm falling in love. 

All the things I want to say.
Hurry up and look my way.
All the things I want to know.
Hurry up and tell me before you go. 

It is just a matter of time.
Before i'm gonna make you, make you mine.
And you smile. you take my breath right away.

I actually really miss talking to you.

But don't tell anyone I said that.

Just The Way You Are

When I see your face,
There is nothing I would change,
You're amazing,
Just the way you are

Sighhhhhhhhhh. Stupid unintentionally nice guys are SIGHHHHHHHHHH. -_-"
Am doing my best to guard my heart.
It's too complicated!!!!

I WANT

1. Guitar Hero/Rockband
2. Those awesome Fossil Sunnies in Brown
3. Polka Dot Romper
4. That cool silken gold stripey formaly top
5. Nautical blouse
6. Those Tony Bianco Boots
7. You

Smile

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

You make me wanna be a better person :)

Feels Like.. Blah.

The workload of this semester is just hitting me now. It so overwhelming I don't know where to start!!!
> Perio Seminar
> CDH Debate
> RemPros (wtf is going on)
> Ortho (bigger WTF)
> OMAP test @ week6
> Radiology - whaa? FML.

..........help :(

Things that are currently pissing me off:
1. Surgery lecturers are freaking NOOBS. *cut/rip/stabstab*
2. As much as I respect you Dr Ngo, your 2nd perio lecture is still not on LMS. >=(
3. The workload of this semester. AAAHHHHH.

Been working on Perio Seminar today.. but it's so boring. Diabetes and how it affects the periodontium? WHO CARES. It just DOES!!! Journals are so painful to read. So many words and yet, only so little is important.

Only at week4 and already getting depressed :( :( :( Time to hermit. no more parties. no more social life!

On a happier (ish) note, Cocktail Ball was a success. Seems like everyone had a smash(ed)ing good time :) Jeremy was amazing, the music was great. Jack took heaps of awesome photos, can't wait to see them! 20 people got bounced out (always a good sign that a party's goin offffff). Pizzas were apparently incredible.. (i wouldnt know, I was too busy getting as many into my tummy to taste it properly, before i had any more to drink). We spent $8600 on the tab (B, W, S, C) by 11pm, probably ended up spending a total of $9000+ on the tab.

Really wanted to keep going after midnight, but we were all probably tooo tipsy to get in anywhere. Ended up going back to a friend's place.. then taxing it to Stef's only to find Jack was asleep and I didn't have keys! ARGH. So ended up going back to his place again -_-" But it was all good. Stayed up talking till 5am.. Crashed till 11am, woke up and went back to Stef's to pick stuff up. Then home. Nap.......ALAN'S PARTY!! Didn't wanna drink anything, but played rockband instead. I LOVE ROCKBAND HEHEHE.

Hectic as weekend. I really just want to CHILL. Please God..give me an uneventful week of nothingness. TQ.

On a different note, Steffie Ng has psychic abilities & Keith Lew is weirder than usual when he's high.

(random excerpt of a conversation)
K: Omg don't they look so good together?
S: yeahyeah
K: I really want them to hook up
S: wtf...
K: look at them! they so want it, its turning me on..
S: O_O .............

On a MUSICAL note...
1. 2012 - Jay Sean (THE BEST)
      "bottles poppin till we can't stand, we got it rockin till 6am... we gona party like, party like it's the   end of the world!"

2. Take it Off - Kesha (super funky tune)
       "got a water bottle full of whiskey in my hand bag, got my drunk text on i'll regret it in the morn"

:) sigh

your unexpected niceness makes me :) :) :)

i wish you weren't so complicated.. :(

Given Up

You know what, screw it. And screw you.

I'm better off now; I don't know why I considered looking back, since you have given me no reason to.

IRRITATED

i really can't stand people who are:

"Omg yess i love you too, you're like one of the people i treasure the most, and I really appreciate your friendship. You're so great! I consider you to be a close friend, someone I can count on!"

"Yes of course I will definitely come in support of you!!!! You've put in so much effort, I totally understand how you feel.. so underappreciated.. seems like you're the only person doing any work!"

"Oh actually I'm not confirmed yet.. I'll see what my friend says.. I guess if she doesn't go then I won't go"


Well, you can take your fucking friendship back. Fuck you.

Memories

I realised today that I will always love you, despite all that has happened and all our differences, despite how things were and how they are now.  I will always care and hope for your happiness. And I will always hope that one day all the pain I caused will be completely and totally erased, so that you can move on from that bad time and/or make choices without having that bad period hanging over your head. I know that day will come, and I know that one day you will be truly happy.

But I hope that you know, that from the bottom of my heart, you will always have a special part in my life, no matter how time changes things...and no matter where we end up in the future.

In a sense, you have helped me understand an aspect of love. This is one aspect of it, and I'm glad I know what it feels like, even if it hurts a little.. it's kinda bittersweet in a way. So I guess this is what I'm trying to say, through all the hurt and tears and pain.. I love you. And I hope you'll good take care of yourself.

you, are the man of my dreams..

oh my gosh. i think i miss you.

nooo!!!!!!!!!!!! >;(

Laughing and a'Runnin, hey hey :)

SEMESTER ONE EXAMS OVERRR!!!!!!!! :)
Thank you God for getting me through it. Where would I be without Your divine grace and mercy upon my life??

This Swotvac has truly been one of the hardest.. even worse than studying for VCE. Never felt so suicidal before! It really was a time of many 'firsts':
- first time studying at law library!!
           "franktate is like a public school compared to law library" - the one and only julius.
- first time feeling so insanely overwhelmed
           "OMG AILIN WE'RE REALLY GOING TO DIE" - lianny
- first time bonding with lianny/julius/keith
- first time making friends with candy, denise, szewey
- first time drinking MOTHER
- first time laughing so insanely hard for 3hours
           "..and then you culture the sputum..2 weeks later..you get Lord of the Rings in a petri dish"
- first time listening to ipod while studying (i know..im strange...)
- first time being so damn gung-ho about study that we went to franktate after law closed
- first time being so scared of failing
- first time crying 2hours before an exam out of fear
- first time wishing/praying for something I never thought I'd ask for

Now that it's all over.. I'm so relieved... Right after exams we hit the city, had dinner & choya (CHOYA!! i loveeeeeeeeeeee itt), then watched the POR v PRK match.. i pity the PRK team.. they may get executed :( Went to Cookie for Long Island :) HAPPY NIGHT :))

Thenthen to make the night even more awesome:
text: "Hey happy early birthday! Do you still want the german jersey?"
reply: "yesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)"

HAPPPYYYYYY!!!!

Tension

everyday is such a challenge.
a fight against myself
a fight to not give up.
its so tiring :(

i pray for grace, i pray for the resilience
i pray for strength and concentration
i pray for peace of mind.

oh God, I really cannot do this without You.
Please help me, please :(

-------------
Sometimes I really think it could be
If only one of us gives in first
But we're too busy now, too busy to think of things like that.
The tension is thick enough to cut with a knife

Sometimes I think I'm just fooling myself
I'm just another girl on the waiting list?
But then the similarities are uncanny
If only I was that lucky in love.

Back Back Back Back, Back to the Start

Anything that's worth having 
Is sure enough worth fighting for 
Quitting's out of the question 
When it gets tough gotta fight some more 


-----------------


I just realised something today..
I totally dig guys wearing cologne.


This is probably gonna sound super retarded, but I believe that wearing the right cologne can up a guys 'hot-factor'. For instance, my good friend A, whom I have completely ZERO romantic feelings for (never have, never will, never ever even considered) was wearing Kenneth Cole (can't remember which one) one day.. and the moment I got a whiff, I suddenly thought "Wow, that smells hot." (but that doesn't mean I developed romantic feelings for him -_-)


Then today, I caught a whiff (completely unintentional!!) of cologne from another friend.. and I was seriously fighting the urge to close my eyes and smile. ODEAR. LOL. 


So guys, if you wanna catch the attention of a special lady friend.. pick your cologne well, and wear it on a daily basis.. cos you never know who's gonna be catching whiffs of it ;)

I Think I'm Falling For You-ooh-oooh!

This SWOTVAC has been crazy.

So far I've:
- Finished making medicine notes (except renal/hypertention)
- Finished making pharm notes
- Finished making DP3 notes
- Studied MOST of Med
- Studied Growth

I still have to:
- Study Caries
- Study TP
- Study Pharm
- Study Path
- Study Med (again..cos it is that much of a bitch)

Prac exam on monday too :(( so stressed.

Been slumming it with Lianny, Julius, Simone, Keith @ Law. But its been really good studying at law library. A good change from frank tate. Whilst it was really fun and I made heaps of good friends in FT..I feel that it's sorta 'time to move on'. Sounds abit deep considering its just a place to study!! Haha!

Today was total concentration FAIL. Got called out for dinner @4.30pm (WHO EATS AT 4.30!!), got back at 6pm. Studied till about 9.. then people started using my laptop to Fb-stalk + youtube etc etc. We had a very serious CSI conversation, trying to figure out rumours gossip-girl-style. LOL.

On a separate note, O - M - G
I think there is something wrong with me. I didn't feel anything before.
But then now, that stupid little thought keeps popping into my head. HOW INCONVENIENT.
It seems so UNLIKELY so why am I even considering?!
Sigh, maybe its just a combination of stress plus the fact that normal decent guys are so insanely hard to find these days. I somehow feel a connection, but.. seriously wtf. I think I might actually be crazy.

Brown Eyed Girl

Hey where did we go,
Days when the rains came
Down in the hollow,
Playin' a new game,
Laughing and a running hey, hey
Skipping and a jumping
In the misty morning fog with
Our hearts a thumpin' and you
My brown eyed girl,
You my brown eyed girl.





Such a retro little song :)

Fearless

3rd year BDSc in one word: EXHAUSTING!

We started intensive training period in Feb, which basically meant labs & lectures everyday.
Highlights: practicing rubber dam, LA injections on each other, seeing everyone again, Taylor Swift concert, Chinese New Year shenanigans, Pub Crawl!, Camp

Lowlights: prosthodontics preclinics - enjoyable, but so frustrating to get it right! plus I burnt myself with periphery wax in the FIRST session. ><

Death: three 8ams, some days were just pure TIRING, occlusion lectures (*HUH*)

Then March came too soon, and Uni was back in full-swing (as if Feb wasn't full-swing enough!!!!!).
Highlights: REAL PATIENTS!!, trying out Hypoxi-workout, Aa Disorientation Party (with my favourtiest people of all time!), Carolyn's Dinner Party, Steffie's Bday Dinner Party by Chris, playing with Willow/Dog in the park with Hendrix, Keith, Simone & Ariel, running around the city with Kech looking for Steffie's present, Kech risking his life to teach me how to drive, good times with people in general

Death: FIVE 8ams, EVERYDAY is pure TIRING, med lectures, pharm lectures, bloody PUTM again, information overload everyday, no time to catch up with lectures - always falling behind.

There's so much going on - academically & socially! I'm struggling to keep up already!! So much to look forward to (eg: Lady Gaga concert!!!!!!!), I really hope I have the energy to enjoy it all.

But all in all, I've never been happier! I mean, sure I would love it more if we had less to do and more time to just enjoy ourselves.. but despite all the hard work & long hours, I'm really enjoying myself.

I love that I'm now better friends with a lot of people I never thought I'd get the chance to speak to. I love my group of friends even more after all the things we've been thru together from last year to date. I'm so lucky to have people (even those I'm not that close to) look after me when I need to be taken care of. I love going to clinic and seeing patients or helping to DA. I like feeling that all the dent students are on one team, helping each other out. =)

I can feel change happening. I can SEE change happening. And this time, I've got a really good feeling about it. It's a good sorta change. So I gotta be FEARLESS, embrace it, enjoy it..and ride on its wings!

I know 2010 has got so much to offer, I have a feeling I'm gonna learn more than I've ever learnt in all aspects of life - and I'm excited about it!! So, look out 2010, HERE I COME =)

Looking Down The Road You Should Be Taking

2010 - new year, new beginnings.

Or will the past continue to haunt the present?

2009 was a whirlwind year. A lot learnt in all aspects of life.
Regrets? None. Lessons Learnt? Too many to list.

I'm glad I took the time off to do what I wanted to do, to learn what I needed to learn, and to see with my own eyes what I needed to see. I've crammed in as much growing up as I thought I needed into 6months. Experience, can never be traded off with something else. Every moment shapes who we are, so I'm glad I made mistakes so that I can learn from them.

I apologize to those I've unintentionally hurt along the way. I suppose thats the only regret I have - the fact that some people were hurt by me. I'm so sorry and I hope one day they'll be able to forgive me wholeheartedly.

But through it all, I guess its been abit of a self-discovery-journey for me. I know what I want now, and I'm more sure of it than I've ever been. The timing of the journey may not have been the best, but life doesn't always hand us things on a silver platter. If there's something you want, you gotta be ready to fight for it, and fight for it with all your heart. I was never completely sure that I was willing to fight, until now.

So yes, I guess this year I'm more sure of what I want in life, and more importantly, how to get it:
To be my own person, yet be able to love another person without compromising both our individualities.

On a parting note, I just hope its not too late.