PRAISE THE LORD!

Dear God,

Thank you for being faithful to me even when I am unfaithful to you.
I am sorry for all the bad decisions I've made and I'm sorry for all my sins.
I thank you Lord that you have found it in your boundless mercy and love to still bless me as I have been blessed.

Thank you for listening to my heart's cry, even as a wretched sinner.
Thank you for being there for me when I'm at my wits end and I have no where to turn to.
Thank you for being so real in my life.
Thank you for being forever reliable and unchanging in your promises.

Thank you for giving me a 76.875 average across this year's course, which means I should be guaranteed a transfer from my current Australian Full-Fee place in BDSc into a Commenwealth Supported Place in BDSc for the rest of my course.

I am truly greatful that you have enabled me to achieve this feat, and also for your guidance and comfort through the whole ordeal!

Love,
Your humble and flawed servant.

Break Even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
what am I suppose to say when i'm all choked up and you're OK
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop me bleeding
Cos she moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it dont break even
Breakeven - The Script
-------------------------------
Saw you from a distance
Saw you from the stage
Something about the look in your eyes
Something about your beautiful face

In a sea of people
There is only you
I never knew what the song was about
But suddenly now I do

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand

Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

I see the sparkle of a million flashlights
A wonderwall of stars
But the one that's shining out so bright is the one right where you are
Touch My Hand - David Archuleta
------------------------
These days, you barely even say my name,
Like you don't really feel the same,
I'm wondering what's to blame.

These nights, I fall asleep wondering where you are,
It feels like we're falling apart,
And it's only breaking my heart.

Cause if being with you means being alone,
And never knowing when you're coming home,
Then I guess I'm better off on my own.

But I can't move on,
Cause that means forgetting, forgetting everything we had,
Instead I keep running, keep running, I keep running back.
Cause I keep forgetting, forgetting you treat me so bad,
So I keep on coming, keep coming, I keep coming back.
I keep coming back
I keep running back
I keep coming, I keep coming back.

My friends say, that I should leave you behind,
And stop wasting all of my time,
They tell me that I'm outta my mind.

But I know that what we both share is real,
And I've been willing to deal,
With the way that you're making me feel.
Running Back - Jessica Mauboy

**********

I can't wait to go back to KL... Melbourne is just so boring. Partly cos I'm recovering from my surgery so I can't go out much. Partly cos everyone's left the country to go home. Partly cos my mum is being ultra-reluctant to take me shopping. Partly cos I miss Ray.


Results are out on Friday. I know I should be positive about it, but somehow I can't help getting this bad feeling about it. Like.. I know I'm pretty much on the verge of a 75 average, but it can go either way.. sorta like sitting on the fence kinda thing..

Anyway, a summary of Ai Lin's Shopping Adventures (Melb) 2008
1. Portmans Summer Dress with Blue Roses - $40 (orig: $130)
2. Esprit Skinny/Straight (?) Jeans - $30 (orig: $80)
3. Sportsgirl Shorts - $30 (orig: $60)

This year things are so much more expensive -_-"

OH there's this bag I'm sorta debating over.
Pros: I LOVE IT!!!!, its got heaps of compartments, zip top, cream/white colour(!! very chic this season..), has detail but doesn't compromise on function, looks pretty classy/chic.

Cons: It's not exactly LARGE enough for Uni-use. I mean, it's medium sized so I can fit pretty much everything else but A4 papers?? I think? And it's also $40. Yeah yeah, $40 is a great price, but like... why can't it be $30!!?!?! Me thinks it might be too much seeing how I've already spent $100??? (see above) and I wanna get more clothes? :(

*SIDETRACK* Also like this top.. $40 too, but I didn't see it in Sportsgirl today??

OMG I THINK IM FALLING IN LOVE WITH A BAG?!

Looking at it puts this incredibly silly-love-struck-smile on my face...
Now girls, I know you love it too, but please leave one for me...

I think I'm gonna get it tomorrow.
So much for will-power.

Wisdom-less

Got my Wisdom teeth (8s) out on Wed.

Now I'm pretty swollen, eating soft foods only (since my teeth refuse to oppose due to freakin FAT cheeks getting in the way), bleeding (and tasting blood)..and worst of all....stuck in the middle of feeling sore and itchy in an unscratchable place-MY GUMS. (sorry, GINGIVA. I'm sorry please don't throw me out of dental school!)

I seriously wish my gums would decide to be PAINFUL or ITCHY, not BOTH at the same time, because it's really annoying not to know what to do to soothe the pain/itch/both! GGAAHH i can't actually scratch cos then I'll start bleeding again plus it will hurt!!! If i compress my cheeks too much, it hurts.

WHY CAN'T IT HEAL IN A DAY!!! :(

I want to eat again :( Dad bought some yummy curry today and i couldnt eat it with naan bread.. only with porridge :(

I'm getting pretty sick of the taste of blood. SIGH

ANYWAY, for some reason I chanced upon XiaXue's blog and kept on looking at her pics!! I'm somewhat drawn to ugly-midgets... the more I look, the more I think "wow.. she's so small, and so made-up/fake looking, and those thighs are so thick, and... she's actually pretty ugly!!" It's kinda like how people like to stare at car-crashes. Something about it, is just so... 'omg i have to look at it for long long time' ...like some sort of vortex that draws your attention... (to be honest I actually think she looks much prettier with black hair, normal coloured eyes (ie: black/dark brown), and without make up.) Oh, and also cos her BF is actually pretty fine. Wonder how she wound up with someone like HIM?? This is another one of those cases where I am amazed by how ugly-girls end up getting pretty-hot BFs.

The world works in strange ways, I shall not question, but remain in awe of how it works.

Incomplete..

Past few days have been a whirlwind..

FRIDAY: went for MDSS EoX party and caught up with people over a few drinks. Was meant to go for Aa EoX party as well but circumstances decided otherwise :( I was really looking forward to good ol' clubbing that night though, to dance the 1 month of stress away! But 'tis not to be!! Managed to do some cooking with Ray though!

SATURDAY: Went for a nice little brunchie at Green (aka illy's) with Ray. Was being quite greedy cos the food there is just quite magnificient.. It's so.. 'home and wholesome'! Then went for Church... Then had dinner at D.O.C. I am in love with their wild mushroom & truffle oil pizza.

SUNDAY: Woke up and went to Ray's place to help him pack up and hang out for abit. At night had a drink with Jen (who's off to Gold Coast today!) and then went home.

-----------------------

TODAY: Woke up and went to Ray's again! Helped him pack more (guys seem to pack like it's all a game of tetris.. go figure.) and got rid of stuff..

Then we went to HarbourTown! It was all so pretty! I LOVE IT.. bestest 'dating' place ever. I'd go as far as to call it the 'modern melbourne'. Everything is just set out so well and so swanky! I loved it! Luckily there was hardly anyone there cos it was past 5pm.. so it was really nice to walk around and explore with my special someone!

Then we went back to his place for the last minute pack up. It was all quite sad, leaving 1006 Home@Flinders; my 2nd home. So many memories there.. I would readily crash there after those wretched 8am lectures, or snuggle up after a crazy night out, or just hang out to talk or do some intense study for exams, just to name a few!

So anyway, Ray's on the plane now.. It took off about 20mins ago.
I wish I was going back to KL too!! Melbourne's just no fun without him :(

Well.. 12 Dec is what I'm waiting for!

p/s- WHAT HAPPENED TO GOSSIP GIRL!??!!??!?! xoxo

Stop Ruining Malaysia

o my word!! it is FREAAAKIN FREEEEZIN!!

If this keeps up (which it won't, simply because it is Melbourne) I reckon we'll be headed for a white christmas, right smack in the southern hemisphere.

Anyhoo, just felt like talking about the brain-drain situation the Malaysian government has set itself up for.

Malaysia's greatest export is HUMAN RESOURCE.
Look all around you. Malaysians are flocking away from their home country to Australia, Singapore, US, UK. Students are being sent overseas for REAL QUALITY education. Most of them, never return to the country. Most of these are the fortunate Chinese/Indian Malaysians. To these Malaysian Chinese and Indians I say: "RUN from M'sia. And never return."

What about the Malays I hear you ask? To be frank, I don't care. They can rot in the hell they created and willingly sustained.
Isn't that racist? Yes it is, but if the Malaysian GOVERNMENT is allowed to be racist, so does its people. All this talk about 'Hak Bumiputera' and shit, don't give me that crap. The real bumiputeras are still stuck in the jungle. Most Malays of Malaysia originate from Indonesia, some argue that Malays actually come from a province in China even! Plus, the Malaysian Government is clearly encouraging all non-Malays to leave, by giving full-scholarships to Malays that can hardly pass SPM. So all you non-Malays, go ahead, leave the country and let them rot in their own cesspit of 4-wives and intellectually-challenged-children.

So many Malaysian professionals trained overseas now avoid Malaysia like the Plaque. So many of these professionals are the non-Malays. Recently, it is made known that Malaysia needs approx 300 oncologists; it only has about 36 right now. Where are all the oncologists then? They are avoiding crap work conditions, racist policies, crime and overall injustice. All of which can be found, proudly paraded in Malaysian society.

So Malaysia, thank you. THANK YOU for driving us out of the country, so that we are able to get top-quality education and a great life overseas. THANK YOU for never inviting us back to our home country; we would decline the offer anyway. THANK YOU for making us realise that Malaysia is no better than the world of 1984 that George Orwell created.


Malaysia's greatest IMPORT is Human Resource
..the 'illegal immigrant'/'labourer' type, mainly from Indonesia and Philippines.
What are they good for? - Rampant crime rates: including robbery, extortion, rape, murder; often a combination of these.

To the Malaysian Government: Just SHUT UP, and QUIT all this CORRUPTION SHIT. I wish all of you will BLOW EACH OTHER UP together with your corrupt families and ties. STOP CENSORING YOUR MEDIA. Honour the right for 'FREEDOM OF SPEECH'.
And just a personal peeve: Official forms should not ask for "Race" and "Religion". Beacause:
1) WTF DOES IT MATTER, unless you seggregate us based on our race and religion.
2) Religion is a private matter.

I love my country Malaysia. I hate the Malaysian Government.

Capacity

Had my Anatomy exam on Monday, and Histology & Embryology on Thursday followed by the H&E Prac Exam on Friday (today). During the week break between Dent Practice and Anatomy, I didn't even bother thinking abt H&E, because I felt really slack and Anatomy is just SO much!!
Anyhoo, after Anatomy, I had no mood to study (clearly) so I took that day off and started studying midday Tuesday for H&E. I have to say, I wasn't very motivated and concentration wasn't my forte that day!

Started to get stressed for the exam around midnight, so I crammed till 3am then went to bed. Next day woke up at midday again, and seriously CRAMMED my way to 4am on Thursday (exam day). Slept till 1pm, woke up and wasn't feeling confident about the exam at all!

Got into the exam during reading time and browsed through the questions. Surprisingly, THEY WEREN'T TOO BAD! I mean, I could remember stuff!! And as I wrote, more and more came out.. It was just mind-blowing. I remembered those pharyngeal arches/pouches/clefts and it just FLOODED in.

Spent the day hanging out with friends after the exam then watched Gossip Girl, 90210 and OTH online till 1am. THEN, i finally got down to studying for the prac exam-looking at pictures etc. Slept at 4am again, woke up at 9am and went to do it. Once again, I was just amazed at how much I could remember from briefly looking at the pictures.

Usually this whole 'memory-work' thing isn't much of a big deal to me. But THIS TIME, if you've had the great privilege of looking at my notes, you'll understand my own amazement.

I am SO amazed and SO thankful for the great capacity of the mind.

*Thank you Ray for helping me revise and pronouncing unnatural words that got you jumbled! I'm sorry the amount of content stressed you out!! Hehe.. :)

Silly Little Things

I've been listening to alot of Westlife for some reason.

Maybe it's cos I know all the words (how strange) to most of their songs..
But everytime I listen to them, there's always this nagging thought of "Mark is GAY." Which is, personally, quite a traumatic thing to think about-I used to be in love with Mark, you know, the stalkerish-"I'll fly to Ireland and marry him one day"-love. Despite having that celeb-crush when I was like..12?? I still can't help but think that MARK IS GAY!!

I dunno, somehow, Westlife used to be the 'good-boy' boyband, Mark being gay just shatters the whole image..So when I listen to them, I always think..it's just NOT right. Esp when listening to songs like "Queen of My Heart".
I mean, QUEEN? excuse me?? more like "MAN of my heart" eww.
Plus the fact that they've now sorta broken up and all...makes it even more "unright"
Who knew listening to Westlife involved so much.. well, reminiscing and THOUGHT??

I used to have this poster in my room (teehee)

But HOLD UP. Everyone who knows me reasonably well (eg: Thomas) would know that I'm a Backstreet Boy fanatic, so what's all this ramble about Westlife? Long story short, I have yet to put my old BSB CD onto my computer. Besides that, Westlife has pretty hot guys, whereas BSB only has ***NICK CARTER*** (sighs..)
Since we're on BSB, I have to say, they're kinda "unright" as well. I mean, one of them got into rehab, they are breaking up too... and Nick (my ex-dream husband) grew fat and dated PARIS HILTON (shockhorror of my life!!).

So like, what happened to the good ol' days?
Where boybands were the total-cool, where clean-shaven blue-eyed blone guys were the dream-man, where music was more about the lyrics with a tasteful tune, where love-songs were more about romance than bang-a-girl/guy-after-clubbing, where previously mentioned dream-men were STRAIGHT?

I demand for the good ol' boybands to come back!! :(

Butterfly Effect

Watched the Butterfly Effect with Ray one night. and OMG it was kinda creepy-freaky.
It wasn't really 'Ju-On Horror" material.. but kinda like a sinister seeping of something creepy.
Well, besides the fact that I prefer Ashton Kutcher shaved, I thought it was a pretty good movie.

Gets you thinking though: What if I did this differently? What if I didn't do this? What if? What if??

Anyway, am just feeling abit blue at the moment. Doing my stupid Odonto prac book *SIGHS*
Every stroke of the pencil is accompanied by a thought of "I hate that bwitch, could be doing some REAL study, but noo... prac book"

Bwitch: Bitch + Witch (only reserved for those truly worthy)

On a more technical note, MY INTERNET IS SO SLOW!!! I can't load any shows! Am already 2 weeks behind on OTH, watched GG @ Ray's yday, and 1 week behind on 90210.

NOOOOOooooo...

I can't wait for exams to be over over overrrrr... ;(

p/s- More Ariel pics as requested by Amanda! hehe I love little Ariels!
she's so cute I want to pack her into my suitcase and bring her wherever I go :)
Ariel is always one to experiment new hairstyles, watch out Hollywood
Scots Boys, meet your new Scots Girl
She loves pink-pillows

A Miracle!

Just yesterday I was feeling down and defeated; today I went to church (though reluctantly-think of all the work I could get done in 1.5hours, right?!) and heard a message that was just TAILORED to my situation.

God said:
1) Let go of your past
So that means, no more feeling like I've been inefficient all year.

2) Choose to walk in victory
Focus on the PROMISE, not the situation. The promise, for me, is that if I work hard, I will get good results! The situation I am in, being all demotivated and feeling so helpless will be superceeded by the promise He has made to me.

3) Don't Run, Don't Hide, Don't Panic!

4) Equip yourself to WIN :D
a) Stress less
Philippians 4:6 (NIV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

b) Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!

c) Think positive
Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

d) Face forward with faith and courage!

Seriously, if this isn't an answer to all my worries I wrote down yesterday, I don't know what is!
I'm so glad I went to church today. Once I heard the message, I immediately put on that mindset (as above) and I feel so much lighter in my heart and mind! Best thing is, I'm starting to see that I can actually do these exams if I work consistently for the next week.

It's a great feeling to know that someone up there is watching over me, and that I know He'll keep His promise and He is always with me, especially when I need Him the most :)

To me, this isn't "super-holy" nonsense, it's a real-life in need getting a real solution!
Finally, I'm starting to see how this little Sunday School song I used to sing, and now sing to Ariel, is still relevant to me, even though I've pretty much grown up now.

Jesus loves me this I know,
For the bible tells me so,
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong!

Weathering Me Down

When it's cold, the long trackies come out.
When it's hot, the shorts are used.

The past couple of days, it has been:
long, long, short, long, short, long, short, long, long, short, long

And all I can say is: WTF.

********************************
I am so tired. I am so worried.
Why is it that I constantly feel so inefficient?
It's like, time just doesn't want to be kind to me, and neither does my brain.
Feel like everything is working against me. ARGH!

********************************
There is a freakin bug in my room.
After 3 attempts at smushing it, it remains un-smushed.
Grrr... I will smush it, mark my word.

********************************
Internet is being annoyingly slow.




Everything hates me. -_-"

Tres Sneaky!

GOOD LUCK FOR EXAMS EVERYONE!!

My Ray of Sunshine

I LOVE YOU :) :)

Something Borrowed, Something Blue

It seems that when i have virtually NO TIME, I find time to blog/bitch about life.

Just read a blog of a friend, and I can't believe he's so screwed up!! His whole blog is all emo and cutripstabstab. To be honest, he's just abit of a weirdo, if he just acted normally, I'm sure things will look better for him.

Anyway, Ray deactivated his facebook - avoid distraction. But IM SAD!! Cos i can't stalk him much anymore/look at photos... (my fave pastime.. lol!)

Update:
Histo- is ok, just need to revise and finish off lectures
Embry- forgotten
Anatomy- is ok, will do more catching up this wkd
Chem- is a BITCH.
Dent Practice- is screwed

I'm just feeling apathetic now. I don't feel sad, or longing.. Perhaps I'm just too frazzled by work.. or perhaps it has indeed passed? Time will tell. But all in all, it has been really great..sometimes I think I don't deserve to be treated this well. But once again time will tell..
I'm searching for the missing shoe..

we are all living on borrowed time,
everything i have isn't mine;
amongst riches we find strife,
thus the statement 'such is life'

by: Ai Lin (c) 2008

Song for No One

two words: a lot...

of work, of parties, of heat.
and I, am completely over it. over what? everything. I'm just so tired!! I wish i could go to sleep and wake up in dec. SIGH..

and confession time: I'm in a mood where I just look back at the past, and reminisce about what ifs.. and its times like these i feel like talking to someone i really shuldnt be talking to.. I find myself logging into MSN, debating if I should start a convo..and if i do, what do i say???

i can't believe it was a year ago, i was almost hitting VCE, stressing about every detail! look where i am now, its surreal. I feel like uni has been what ive been doing all my life.

hmm anyway, here's some singapore..(and KL)

i caught the bouquet!!
sam & me trying to get as many photos as possible

having TGI ribs @ the curve
care to meet (half of) my family?
the singapore flyer
little princess ariel
cyrus having some fun



some of my aunts & my mummy!
ariel's 1st birthday party
aunt carol with nieces & nephews

Sunkissed

I'm heading back to KL then to Spore for a few days.
And, summer is coming!
So i think to myself....what a wonderful world!! Except, I'm all yucky and pale from winter!
Anyway, I tried this moisturizer that builds a tan, and CAN U BELIEVE IT, it does! :O
My legs are nicely brown now, makes me happy to look at them...for hours.

Don't judge me.

When you're stuck doing anatomy day after day, you won't believe what you're willing to waste your time on.

Anatomy is being slightly less of a bitch now, but I'm sure it will become a nicely full-blown one soon enough.

On a darker note, I'm stuck in chilly Melbourne when I'm supposed to be in NSW at a beach with Carolyn and Emma and Cordell. Life sucks.
Besides that, things are going a little rough on the emotional side, which sucks as well.
Number 3, i can't get internet in my room!!! Stupid belkin router OMG.. >=(

I really should be getting back to anatomy not wasting my time blogging!!
xoxo

Rekindling the Flame

Right, so my blog is quite dead.. so I'm here to start things up again (wonder how long that'll last hee hee)

LATEST AND GREATEST
(since I last updated..)
1. Nov'07: went up to Sydney right after VCE, had a smashing good time with Ray.. SO GOOD that we ended up going out haha.


2. Dec'07-Feb'08: heaps of flying around. Emma in Cambridge was beautiful, Adelaide was kinda boring but did some shopping before/after my interview (teehee..), KL was just bursting with 'let's-hang-out' and also a sudden 'meet the parents' session (me meeting ray's..). Sam's party (drama drama), Rach's party, a sprinkle of clubbing, lots of destitute-moments therefore more sleepovers *yays*, early Valentines @ Mandarin Oriental, Sunway Water-park fun :)




3. March'08: OHHHH-week!, uni started!, life-sucking IBS, slighty(?) senile (?) oral anatomy lecturer who was rather entertaining and intimidating (go figure..), interviewed a dentist, new friends


4. April'08: Stayed over at Ray's for 2 weeks when mum was in KL, MANY MANY immunisations (sad face), Yvonne's Party(?), first time in dental clinics for infection control, getting behind on lectures (whats new..sigh), met up with Matt from ISS.


5. May'08: Mummy's Bday!, Diana's 18th party all the way out in DANDENONG, Zoo Excursion (can you believe it), INSANE prac exam left us all flushed and close to insanity,got a tram fine (damn yarratram inspectors.).

6. June'08: EXAMS, pulling an all-nighter to finish prac book, clubbing @Eve, AMANDA's visit!


7. July'08: SYDNEY with ray and peter...and thilo (haha), Uni starts again, Michelle's Bday dinner

8. August'08: Sam's 21st, Stella's Bday Lunch, Peter's Bday Dinner, MY 18th!, Dent Cocktail Ball (+ getting completely smashed..)


9. Sept'08: My sister's Bday, Ray's Bday, Studying H&E with carolyn for DAYS, Histol&Embryol MST (oh noo..), MDSS Netball (today).....tbc!

So YEAS. its been a good life. Lots of ups and downs and upside downs, but i suppose i'm hanging in there. It weird to think that Uni is only 3 months each sem, so thats like 6 months in a year, but yet, ITS SO TIRING! During semester, its almost like normal life is abnormal, all you know is to study, eat, sleep, fall behind (x1000), study, eat, sleep..etc. You forget the definition of having a relaxing afternoon/weekend, guilt is your constant companion (esp if you're always streaming gossip girl and not doing work), you think hanging out with friends is 'fair enough' since you work so hard but then that makes you fall behind and it turns out having a social-life is potentially damaging to the CSP-place you're fighting for.

Dentistry in first year (in a nutshell), is like a crazy rollercoaster that keeps going even when you're screaming (for your life) for it to stop. I'm kinda disappointed that my year's really immature. Everyone still behaves like they're in high school, so its hard to be a united year. I've identified people I detest, people I could tolerate and people who are real friends. It's so unfortunate that 'real friends' are hard to find! Well, I suppose 5 years is a long time, and hopefully everyone will grow up as we work together more often (albeit forced!).

Just looking back, high school seemed like a lifetime ago. Last sem feels like last year, and I feel like Dentistry is what I've been doing all my life and nothing other than that! It's quite strange. I thought VCE was my biggest hurdle, and "Uni is eaaasssyyyy....". LIES.

I just can't wait for the long awaited midsem break. But then I'm DREADING the anatomy test on the first week back :( Am heading to KL-S'pore on the 2nd week of hols, but i suppose all i'll have to do is STUDY (oh woe is me...)

Anyway, dental materials beckons. Another report, and another experiment tomorrow (NOOO...) And I'm aching from the first sport I did all year. I heart sport pain :)

Of Guilt and Forgiveness

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be forgiven, because I did it, knowing that it's wrong.
Worse of all, I did it again, and again.. knowing its wrong. Knowing i'll regret it later but I was just living in the moment.
But everyday I live with the guilt that sinks my heart.
I can't do both, I have to choose.

I've already made my choice. It's the obvious choice, the choice I've been brought up to choose. There's no way I would even consider choosing the other. But who knew it would break my heart so much to choose something I've already chosen by default?