2020

Four years after the last post, I am gracing this blog with another post. Reason for this? I just read a super long blog post of my boss's. Yes, I went to stalk my boss early in the morning, mainly because I was link hopping and well things just ended up the way they did. I think 2020 (as it is coming to an end) was a year of awakening,whether it's the world, people or myself, I think I sobered up a little. I don't want to give excuses to myself anymore, it's just the way of life that ultimately, I believe, everyone will come to realise that they are their own. I don't just mean personality, but also feelings, responsibilities, stress... I mean sometimes the propensity of things just overcome myself and I can't help but feel that way or anger, anxiety and fear. I've been trying so hard to deal with anxiety and this people pleasing attitude of mine coupled with ignorance of a clam. But as Youko from Twelve Kingdoms matured, I will too, and I must, grow to become someone who can, confidently and competently deal with my fears and emotions. I must trust my own compassion. Basic values like respect, believe in these deeper things and not the superficial courtesies or actions. Throwback to 2016, I never had imagined that I will working in the arts, I mean me figuring this out a year in college? Seriously? My EQ has seriously dropped to a new low, definitely because my contact list continued to dwindle. This long paragraph made me slightly self-concious for some reason. I guess that's my self-anxiety at work.

I found that the blog I deleted ages ago is on my dashboard. Well, that's creepy. I guess it's true when they say things don't disappear on the internet. Eternal, unlike impermanent bodies of ours.

Dragging Time

I'm dragging Time along, in a rough clothed sack.
Time is dragging me along, grating against that old dirt road
At the end of the road, there is only an abyss
And a thin rope to salvation.
Yet, the bright screens have blinded my eyes,
numbed my sight,
such that even I have began to worry, that I will not grab
that thin rope in time.
Oh, this heavy sack.

Remember the Days I

Couldn't resist. This song really reminds me of SC, along with a few others..
Maybe I'll post a link later on.

Pity

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with myself.
What am I doing with my life
What am I to do with so much time on my hands

Sometimes I worry about my future.
And feel as if I am not the one living in it

Or I worry about how I act around people
And feel as if I don't want to care about anyone at all.

Sometimes I wonder.
How meaningless all of these are.

And perhaps I feel a little affected by this rubbbish called Life.
For despite what it looks like, there's so far nothing much better than it.

2014

2014 began with me wishing Happy New Year to various people. I don't know about you, but it kinda saddens me this year.. because the list keeps dwindling. Friends I keep in contact with frequently decrease steadily over the years. Should I be glad of this or feel sad over it? What is important to me? What are my dreams? I used to believe that I was too lazy, too passive to achieve all these goals in life I set for myself. I keep thinking, dreaming of all the possibilities, but I do not realise these fantasies of mine. But now, I have began to feel as though there is no point in achieving these things. No doubt there will be a sense of accomplishment if I ever attain them, but to what end? So what? I can't seem to see the point anymore. It scares me honestly.

Maturity? Change? I know what is important to me, but it seems as though the only thing hurting it, threatening it is myself.

Change? To what extent? What is this emptiness I feel? What is this overdose I feel? When can I find an equilibrium? When can these changes ever stop? Or is it because everything changes that I have to change as well? Nothing feels good when things are stuck, nor when things keep changing, in this ever flowing river of Time.

The answer has always been there. The road,  the path to enlightenment. I have put it off too long haven't I? The true answer to peace is change. How ironic. How exhausting.

Perhaps

This blog has been around for so long and I guess i should continue updating it. Tumblr, Facebook, Diaryland, what not. Whatever, I don't think it can beat the feeling of writing on Blogger (sometimes).

I guess that's because this blog has been with me for so long I get sentimental. All those thoughts I had in the past, the innocent, the kind, the naive. Things that won't come back now, people whom I won't encounter in the future, people who changed etcetera etcetra.

I always look to the past. Strange isn't it? People say treasure the present, take charge of your future. Of course, that is correct. Its just that my past just seem nicer? It's like a drug. Constantly telling yourself that hey, been there done that! Or you know, those were the days where I had my glory.

 Maybe its just me.

Not. I have learnt that the world are filled with people, feeling the same emotions - sadness, emptiness, happiness, love, hope. Just that, its just that we can't - we can't relate to each other, we can't look upon each other with that pair of Empathy glasses and say you know, we are the same. Another. We don't derive our happiness in the same way.

 To me, memories are a weight. They weigh so much, I think so much about them that sometimes I feel like the present is nothing. Yet they are all what I have. Everything that screams: "You were here".

 "You're alive."