It Will ALWAYS Be There....

Hi, my name's Linda and I'm an addict. A food addict. I know this, I've always known this. I am considered a band success, but in my heart I don't feel like it. I feel my weight creeping up as I self medicate with food. It's been a long hard year and I hit the bottle (well, the bag, box - anything food in it) to help me cope.

Of course now I'm struggling with with my gain - it's not huge. I'm in the 180's instead of the 170's but still I'm down about it. My clothes are tight, I don't feel good. Or think I look good. I haven't weighed myself in over a week because I don't want to see it. That's a bad sign, I usually weigh myself everyday.

I don't have a plan right right now. I need to MAKE myself remember the 297 pound woman I was, how unhappy I was, how unhealthy I was. How I chose surgery to help myself out of that abyss. Would that woman have been able to walk into Lululemon and buy a cute jacket like I did over the weekend? Did she ever feel sexy or self confident? Did she want to be noticed? No. I don't want to be her again. I can't be her again.

I will always have this dark passenger (like my Dexter reference?) that travels with me that will make eat those cookies on a bad day and want me back in the abyss. I will fight her though.

Chicago Bound

Well I'm sitting in the airport waiting to fly to see my best blogging buddies.
While I don't blog like I used to, I never underestimate the influence that this blog and the people I have met through it have had on my life.
This morning I was about a pound above my goal weight for Chicago(to be back in the 170's), but I did see it over the weekend, so I'll count it as a victory. The good thing is I'm losing and getting back down to my comfortable zone.
My flight is boarding - to those who will be there, see you soon. To those who won't I'll be thinking of you.

Hanging on

Hi all! Not sure what what compelled me to finally blog today, but here goes. I think I stop blogging, not necessarily when my weigh is up, but when I feel like I'm writing the same thing all the time. I get mad at myself when I keep saying I'm going to focus and lose weight and I don't, so I imagine it's frustrating to read too.

Honestly, I'm depressed. I can function and do my day to day stuff, but it takes all my effort some days. It stems from my job (which I know I've been complaining about for years), but it really has turned into a horrible situation. My department still all feels we might be laid off any day, even though our work load has doubled. I have 2 new managers now too, so I have to prove myself everyday even though I've done my job for 6 years. I'm being asked to do things outside of my job functions that make me feel uncomfortable (not that I can't do them, but I don't want to do them). Many of my coworkers who I'm closest too are leaving which makes the place even worse (even though I'm happy they are out). I had a job interview a couple weeks ago that went well - they asked me to come back twice in the same day, but I still didn't get the job - ughh.

I know I have been turning to my old friend, food, to self medicate. I've gained about 10-15 pounds since the first of the year. I'm trying to really focus on how much junk I'm eating and stop that. I joined Weight Watchers online and while I haven't been perfect, it's opened my eyes to how much I really had been eating lately. My weight has come down a little in the 3 weeks I've done it. I'll never be the person who loses 8 pounds a week, so slow is OK.  My goal is to get back in the 170's by BOOB's, which is totally doable since I was 185 this morning.

Speaking of BOOB's - is everyone is excited? I am - I need some girl time like crazy.

Hope everyone is doing well - I'm reading everyday. Sometimes seeing new blog posts pop up in my G**gle Reader is the best part of my day(at work), so keep writing. You never know who you are inspiring.

I'll keep hanging on here.

Unfill

So I went to have my unfill today. It's the first time I had met the new NP and I was a little nervous. She was OK, she wanted to take out 2ccs at first and I got a little testy with her. I said I was thinking a 1/2 cc, so she split the difference and took out 1 cc. I'm a little nervous that I'm going to hit the buffet hard, but I need to concentrate on eating better.
They want me to go get an upper GI, which I knew they would. I'll do it because it's been over 2 years since I had one, but sometimes I have a hard getting them to listen. I know they need to lookout for slips and erosion, but it always seems so negative. I told her I had been getting tight do to heat and stress and she said she had never heard of that. So I'm the one with the band inside me, but I'm wrong? Is it just me?
Enough bitching, I need to focus on getting off these extra pounds  I've gained off and starting over. Ronnie was sweet enough to share the low carb plan she's been following and I'm hoping with the unfill I'll be able to eat more solid proteins and follow it too.

I am off to eat some turkey for dinner - wish me luck! 

Hot Friday

Happy Friday everyone! Is it hot as hell where you are? It is here – several days of 100+ temps on the way. I fear this is going to be a liquid only weekend.

 

I did finally call to make an appointment for a small unfill and lucked out and can get in next week. Going to a new PA there and I hope I like her – I went to the PA exclusively the first year after surgery and loved her. After she left the practice I really didn't like going to my surgeon, so I'm glad there's another option. I made it really clear over the phone that I wasn't in distress(b/c they kind of freak out if you say unfill) and that I'm just a little tight because of the weather. I asked that if they want me to get an upper GI to let me know prior so there's no issue when I go. Now I have to think of how much to have unfilled. I'm leaning toward .25cc, but maybe a .50? I don't know – a .50 seems like a lot. I just envision sitting down and eating a whole pizza, but maybe not.

 

I guess if I like and trust this new PA, I'll talk to her about it. I know after 3 years I know a lot about myself and the band, but since I am struggling and have gained some weight maybe I need to be more open and listen to some outside advice – more like newbie. I do feel like sometimes I have an attitude – like I know what works, I've lost over 100 pounds, but it's not working and I'm stuck in my old ways right now. I'm kind of hoping this little unfill will start back on the right path (like Buddha, but not fat).

 

No big weekend plans – it will be hot as balls, so I envision being in the house or at the pool (if I shave my legs).

Bullet Friday

Hi Blogland!

I have busy, busy with nothing really fun, but thought I'd do a quick update - bullet style.

• I am about 10 pounds up from my lowest weight. I am not happy, but I know there are several reasons for it. I'm self medicating with food and I'm WAY too tight.
• My work environment sucks - it is really a struggle to go into work everyday. I've never loved my current job, but since the software company I work for was sold by U*P*S to a private investment firm last year things have gotten progressively worse. I am starting to actively look for something else. The depression about work definitely has lead to stress eating. 
• I have to make an appointment to get a little fluid taken out of my band. I've haven't had a fill or unfill in over 2 years, but it's gotten too difficult to eat anything solid proteins without pain. I know if I call and say I need an unfill asap my Dr. will take out all my fluid and then make me get an upper GI. So to avoid all that I'm going to make an appointment, mention I need an adjustment and also get an upper GI before the appointment so we can make sure things are good. 
• Once I can eat more I want to up my fruits and veggies. I really want to get more in my diet.
• I bought some liquid vitamins at Costco. They are reViva brand. Has anyone ever tried them? I know I need them, so I hope I do better than I have in the past taking them. 
• I joined a challenge on a running blog. It's not running based just weight loss. It's Lose a Marathon - the goal is to lose 26 or 13 pounds by September. Not sure I'm 100%, but it may help focus on my weight. You can still sign up if you're interested: http://www.runwithjess.com/2012/06/quest-to-lose-marathon.html#comment-form
• We're going to see Brave this weekend, it looks fun. It will be a nice family activity. 

Well - that's about it. Keeping my head above water right now, but trying to stay positive.

Have a good weekend everyone!!!

It was 3 years ago today....

That Dr. Lidor put this band inside me in the hopes that I could get my weight under control.
I'm sure at the time if I thought about 3 years in the future with my band, but here I am.
I'm not going to get too introspective I think because the past 6 months or so have been the worst for me as far as eating and I'm slowing working through it and coming out the other side. So here are some bandiversary bullet points:

• I never regret getting my band (except when I really want a sandwich)
• I have lost 105-110 pounds (depends on how I'm doing)
• My diabetes is in remission
• I feel normal (at least size wise)
• I have made wonderful friends through my blog
• I am still a work in progress, I will never NOT have to think about what I eat and how I use food, but I have help with my band
• Every one of you helped me lose this weight - never underestimate the power of support

Reflections on past and present me

So soon I will have been blogging for 3 years - I started a few weeks before my surgery. So I am close to my 3 year anniversary with the band too. It's sobering and important to look back sometimes and see really how much has changed and stayed the same.

Of course losing over 100 pounds changed my life - I am in remission from diabetes and a generally healthier person. Yes, I look better. Yes, I am treated better (by some people). My day to day life has changed because it is simply easier to physically do things now and I don't worry about always being judged for my looks.

Many things haven't changed though - I live in the same place, I have the same job (sadly), I have the same amazing husband and daughter.
Losing weight did not change the core person I was - I was a good,honest person at 300 pounds the same as I am at 176 pounds. I can't and won't hate that person. I can be disappointed that I let myself gain that weight, but I will not call myself names or belittle the person I was then. That body gave birth to a wonderful daughter and married a wonderful man and helped me have fun for many years. If I look back and call myself names or belittle who I was how am I any better than the kid in grade school that called me "Linda Lardo"? No, I'm not.

Please remember to be gentle on yourself sometimes and respect the person you were and the person you are becoming. I get sad when I read posts when people are constantly belittling themselves for being fat, when they wouldn't say the same to others.

We all need to love ourselves a little more - fat, skinny or in between.

BYOC

Hi All! I can't motivate myself to post much lately, so BYOC is a lovely excuse to write.

1. Are you a "wake up on the first beep of the alarm clock" or a "hit the snooze button 50 times before you get up" kind of person? Is your alarm clock set to the right time?

I've always been a sleep until the last possible minute you can person. Which means I do snooze, which my husband hates because he says it wakes him up twice. I see his point, but kindly remind him about what a goddess he sleeps with so he needs to deal with it.

2. Do you decorate for any holidays other than Christmas?

Yes! I love, love, love holidays and decorating. My Mom did it and I carry the traditions on. Cate has already picked it up and decorates her room a little, so that makes me happy. I don't do every holiday, but I do Easter(jellybean tree, bunnies, glitter egg centerpiece), Thanksgiving (centerpiece, turkeys Cate's made over the years), Christmas (Everything!).
For St.Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, etc. I just draw a picture on our chalkboard/memo board thing we have.

3. Would you consider yourself a spontaneous fly by the seat of your pants kind of person or a massive OCD controlling planner kind of person or someone in between?

I don't know - a little of both. For certain things I am a big planner and kind of OCD, but I am a pretty laid back person in general.

4. Tell me some of your MUST have hair products that you use consistently….you know - share your "hair routine". 
My hair stinks lately it is too long and most days I pull it up in a ponytail. Some of my favorite products are Bumble and Bumble styling creme and hairspray, Paul Mitchel Awapuhi Styling Oil (smells amazing), Paul Mitchel Tea tree line.


5. Repeat question: How was your week and what are your upcoming weekend plans?
My week has been OK - work has been a little crazy since mid-April and I don't see that changing for awhile. Not sure what we will do this weekend - something for Mothers Day Sunday. Must do some laundry tomorrow.

Have a great weekend and Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms!

BYOC!!!

1. Do you have any siblings? What is your relationship with them? Good, bad, ugly?
I have 1 brother and 2 sisters, they are 8,9,and 10 years older than me. The age difference was weird at times but at my age now it's not really an issue. I was very close to my brother when I was younger, but not now. We don't really talk unless we are at my parents - kind of sad, but it happens.
My sisters are an other story - I could write a novel about my relationships with them.  I am closer to one at times. My other sister has gotten very bitter and judge-y over the years. From the outside people would envy her life - she has 3 beautiful children, a good husband, is very wealthy, doesn't have to work, but she's just a miserable person. I've come to a point where I don't deal with her if I don't have to.

 2. Let’s talk pizza. Do you prefer homemade or restaurant? What toppings are your fave?

Both! We are actually making homemade pizza tonight. I have finally perfected the dough and we do it in the oven and on the grill. I love really good greasy NY style pizza too. And Chicago style. I love pizza although sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth to eat if my bands tight.

 3. When is the last time you cried – in sadness and in joy?
Well, I'm a crier the last few years. Hormones I guess.
The last time I cried in sadness was last month when I lost something.
The last time I cried in joy was when I took Cate to see the Muppets and she was singing the songs with me and I remembered doing watching with Muppets with my Dad  as kid. Just happy memories.


 4. Do you own a gun – one that is specifically yours? Do you know how to use it?

Nope - won't have one in the house.

 5. Repeat question. Summarize your week!
Busy!! Work is insane - I have been working OT this week to keep up and will next week too. I am doing very little weekend knowing I have a crazy week coming up. I have a girls weekend planned at the end of the week, so that's my big light at the end of the tunnel.

The bloom's off the rose

Hi everyone- no excuses for not blogging except that I am trying to figure out my place in this world lately. In 2 months it will be my 3 year bandiversary. I have accomplished a lot in 3 years. I have gained confidence and courage, made amazing friends, got and given support and inspiration and most importantly, I have lost over 100 pounds and kept it off.

 

Lately I can only focus on what I haven't accomplished. I never got to the arbitrary number on the scale that I picked as my goal. Should I feel less successful that I've never seen 160 on the scale? No, I mean what if I had picked 175 as my goal instead? Would the fact that I gotten there make my current circumstances any different? Would I be a happier person? Probably not. Then why does it bother me?

 

I guess because I always failed at losing weight, always gained it back and more, so until I see that number I'm still a failure. Conversely I think I have held myself back from reaching that goal because then the pressure would be on to maintain it. Then I really could fail…

 

God, are you seeing the weird recesses of my crazy mind now? I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I won't let myself win, so how can I?

 

I am at that place that place, where the bloom has fallen off the rose. I am in no way unhappy with my band or regretting my decision to get the band, but now the easy part is over. I must count calories and diet if I ever want to see that magic number. And the thing is my drive is gone. When I lost 90+ pounds in one year it was because I was very focused on it, it truly dominated my thoughts and actions. Very few people can keep that intensity up forever, but that's not an excuse to let myself backslide into bad habits or weight gain.

 

I'm trying to reassess how to catch the spark again. I'd love to say I'd be at my goal by my bandiversary, but I decided I'd really want to put that out there yet (oops maybe I did).

 

Anyone else feeling this way lately or have felt it in the past and overcome it?

Happy St. Patricks Day and Stuff

Hello lovelies! I hope you all are well.
Today is St. Patrick's Day - I don't know if you celebrate in any way, but it's a day everyone is Irish. I am a bit Irish and my husband is a lot Irish we so we'll celebrate a little. I bought Irish bangers at Trader Joe's and will make a potato dish with it. Rick and I were luck enough to spend 3 weeks in Ireland when we were in Culinary school (trained at a big hotel in the country about an hour North of Dublin and of course I tried to stalk Bono).
It really is the most beautiful, friendly country. I remember my roommate and I had a little kitten that hung out in our cottage and it was sick so we took it to the local vet. After we went the vet and his friend invited us to go to the pub for a pint (nothing weird, they were older grandpa types) - I can't imagine having that happening here.

Everything is plugging along OK here. We moved offices this week (same building just a floor up) so work will be chaotic next week unpacking. The new offices are ugly - perhaps another incentive for me to find a new job.

Weight wise I am in the same place, but I can't say I've been trying really hard. We are doing a family 5k in April so we've been taking long walks on the weekend - that's been helping at least keep things in check. I was going to buy slimfast or Atkins shakes last week and do liquids during the day, but then I always think I shouldn't have to do that. I just need to use my band better.

Nothing too exciting going on this weekend - although our weather has been amazing so we can get outside and walk. I started cleaning our extra bedroom last weekend, which had become a junk collecting room and hope to finish it today. I'll probably watch some basketball too - my team is already out, poor Blue Devils, so now I have pick a new team to cheer for (or maybe I'll just cheer for whatever team plays Carolina).

Love to you all - keep fighting the good fight.

BYOC

I haven't done BYOC in ages and since I'm being lazy today it seemed like a good thing to do. 

1.  Since I talked about psychics this week - I'm curious....if you could see one for free and you could only ask one question - what would it be?

I have no idea. I think I'd be worried to ask something too specific because would it be a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe will I ever find a better job - oh god maybe I don't want to know. Should I have another baby?

I don't know - maybe that's why I don't go to psychics. 

2.  What's your favorite ice cream flavor and topping?

I like Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal cookie chocolate chunk. It's cinnamon ice cream and oatmeal cookies and chocolate. I love it.
I also love anything with hot fudge on it.

3.  What's your preferred method of working out?  DVDs, an external gym, gym inside your home, classes?

If time and money were not an issue (but they always are for me) I'd just do classes. I love being in a class - I feel very motivated by a group (and maybe competitive). I don't do well on my own (that's well documented).

4.  If you work outside the home or if you ever did or will in the future - do you think it's better/easier to work with men or woman?  Who do you work mostly with now?

I've hate to say it but men have that ability to separate work and feelings really well that I think a lot of women don't. Although I've had equally shitty male and female bosses. 

5.  Repeat question.  Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Real life kind of stunk this week - I had to have an unplanned root canal ( I finish it Thursday), but I'll live.
Work was busy and stressful.

Blogland was abuzz with our first BOOBS announcement. I love being on the planning committee and working with the rest of the planners is often the highlight of my day.

Your Mission, If You Choose To Accept It

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it in my blog, but I'm a leader of my daughter's Daisy (Girl Scout) troop. Last night we were discussing one of the parts of the Girl Scout Law – "Respect Myself and Others". My daughter's school has 3 Core Rules; Be Safe, Be Responsible and Be Respectful that gets drilled into them constantly, so my co-leader and I decided to focus on the part of the Girl Scout law of respecting myself (as opposed to others since they do that at school). We talked to the girls about ways they can respect themselves (respecting their bodies, liking their selves, no negative talk) and then did an activity where they wrote down things they liked about themselves or things they were proud they could do. Once they were done we glued all the statements onto a foam thingy with a mirror attached. They can look in the mirror and see all the great things about themselves.

 

While we were doing the activity some of the girls had trouble thinking of things and we had to remind them "are you a good dancer/reader/friend?" or "you have pretty eyes/hair/skin".  Even at 6 and 7 the girls were reluctant to say positive things about themselves. My co-leader and I were talking later about how all women should do this activity because most of us we are not encouraged to think positively about ourselves.

 

So here's your mission if you choose to accept it – think of at least 5 things you like about yourself. If you're up to it post it on your blog. We all need positive reinforcement and while I have a lot of great friends who support me and think good things about me, if I don't think them about myself I will never believe them.

 

So here's my list:

 

1.      I like my hair

2.      I am strong (emotionally and physically)

3.      I am a good mother

4.      I am funny

5.      I have pretty eyes

6.      I am a good friend

 

I hope to see lots of positive things today!

Revisiting the Rules

Hi all! Hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day (or anti-Valentines Day - which ever you choose to celebrate). We had a nice low key holiday with flowers and some gifts.

So, I don't know where I'm at in this battle to get to goal. I had 2 really good weeks of tracking on Livestrong and felt things were going well. Last week I had a bit of an emotional meltdown (as we are all prone to do for different reasons) and turned to my old friend Haagen Dazs for comfort that was enough to throw me off of food tracking, but I'm officially back on today.

I'm not even going to discuss my weight because I still have my POS scale - I've seen between 174 and 180 in the past 2 weeks - that is not right (unless my body is made up of 80% sponge). I did order a shiny new scale and waited anxiously for it. Finally over the weekend I got notification that my package was returned as being "undeliverable" by UPS. WTF?? Just to clarify we have lived in this house since it was built 4 years ago - I have recieved hundreds of packages via UPS. We live in a hugely populated area in a very busy development where I see at least 3 or 4 UPS trucks everyday- why is it they couldn't suddenly find our little townhouse? They didn't even leave those we tried to deliver a package notes. So (rant over) I reorder my scale and when I get the email it's been shipped I am going to put a huge sign on my door telling UPS they better leave the package or at least a note so I can follow up.

I have been thinking a lot about restriction. I have not had a fill (or unfill) since April of 2010- yep that's right, almost 2 years. I have thought about, even made appointments but in the end never got one. For weeks I've been thinking of getting a little unfill because I felt like I was getting stuck and turning to sliders too much. All of the sudden I feel like I have perfect restriction ( I am really sensitive to stress, so right now I'm at a low stress time). I'm not experiencing any discomfort and I'm getting full from very little food. My issue now is I have to go back and really focus on following the rules. Small bites, really chewing and the one I struggle with the most is STOPPING when I'm full. I always want to take a few more bites, shove a little more down my gullet. I know I've done this before so I can did it again.

When I get my scale I will give it a review and hopefully see some lower numbers.

Random Stuff

In an attempt to live up to my promise to blog more to get out of my weight loss rut, it's me. I hope everyone had a good weekend.

 

Cate and I had an impromptu girl's day on Saturday. She needed new tennis shoes (which she hates to wear and shop for) for PE at school, so we went out in search of a pair. We were unsuccessful, but I ended up spending a fortune at Costco, Target and Trader Joe's (food is expensive). Cate also got Rapunzel and Flynn dolls at the Disney Store since she had a stellar report card last week (last night Rapunzel and Flynn were both naked each laying in a sock on my coffee table- they were kind of disturbing and looked like they joined a weird cult). We decided at the last minute to get manicures (Cate had never gotten her nails done in a shop). We went to a new place and the woman was so nice – she did Cate's nails for $3! I can be an indulgent Mom, but I love a bargain too. While we were there the crappy rain changed to big beautiful flakes of snow, it was so pretty.

 

I have been logging my food daily on Livestrong and I might be making some progress. I'm definitely aware that there are days where my protein intake is super low, so I need to focus on that. I've had good and bad days, but I track everything. I'm honestly not sure what I've lost – the highest I've seen in the past month on my scale was 180 (that was panic mode weight), the lowest in the past 2 weeks was 174. Today I was 175. I know I have called BS on other bloggers who have said this – but our scale is whacked. At first I attributed the radical up and down swing to my period, but I asked Rick if it had been accurate lately for him and he said he'd seen like 6 pound swings too. So today I'm ordering a new scale from Amazon. I don't think our old scale is completely out of range (like I don't expect to see 150 when I get on the new scale), but want some consistency. I have a hard time staying motivated without the numbers.

 

I have a full physical scheduled for Thursday of this week. I know it sounds crazy but it's been about a year and a half since I've seen my Dr. and I'm really excited. I need to get major blood work done. I know I'm low on some vitamins because I'm so tired all the time. I really love my Dr. – she had her own new practice when I started to go to her in the summer of 2008. She recorded my highest weight ever and diagnosed me with type 2 diabetes at the age of 37. It was truly my wake up call. She was very thorough in doing all my documentation for WLS and really supported my decision. She had to close her practice at the end of 2010 because of the economy. She's been working as a traveling Dr. for Johns Hopkins, but she finally is one location enough of the time to make appointments, so I can see her again. Yea!

 

Along with my scale order today I'm going to order some PB2 and Chocolate PB2. I'm getting them with the idea I can use them to make a good smoothie in the morning to up my protein. I know I've read about other people trying these – any thoughts or feedback?

 

I hope everyone has a good week. I plan to give to give updates on my scale and how my physical went later in the week.

Finding your way with the band

Thanks to everyone for their supportive comments this week. I really feel like I'm heading back into the losing zone. Ultimately it really is all about choices. It had become too easy for me to justify eating too many sweets and snacks because I wasn't gaining.Tracking my food has giving me the ability to say no again. Today I said no to doughnuts in the morning, a work birthday party with cakes, cookies and ice cream and a box of fundraiser candy bars that sat on my desk all day.

I have always been very honest about my journey so far. Even when I was losing the bulk of my weight in 2009/2010 I ate all foods. I didn't limit carbs (except what I couldn't eat), ate some sliders and had treats. I knew that by not denying myself I could hopefully find balance and lose the weight.

There is no such thing as a perfect bandster because we all need to follow different paths. Some people need to stick to a really limited diet because that's what works for them, but it doesn't for me. What I would say to anyone who just had surgery or is thinking about it to think about why you are overweight and what has failed you in diets before. Try to be really honest and decide what your strategy will be with the band.

Be honest about what works and doesn't, whether you are newly banded just starting out or someone who has hit a plateau. One of the reasons blogging and being involved in the community has helped me in my success is that I've seen first hand that we all lose differently and struggle at times. It's allowed me glimpses into the lives of other bandsters and I see that they are not perfect and it makes me feel OK.

Starting Over

So a wise woman I know reminded a bunch of us experienced bandsters who are struggling with weight gain and epic plateaus that maybe we need to revisit our blogs for support. I will always credit my blog and the unexpected support I received here as a huge part of my success, but I am the first to admit that I don't rush to share my struggles and victories anymore. I know there are several reasons for this, but I need to get back to blogging for support and to give guidance when I can.

 

After surgery I was determined not to be a failure. I felt I had taken the most extreme measure I could (aside from maybe becoming a heroin addict) and if it didn't work I would always be overweight. So the first year and a half I focused, focused, focused; on what I ate, on blogging, on making the right choices. After I hit a point where I truly felt like I hadn't failed, I loosened up and life took over more. Work, finances, Girl Scout meetings and everything else trumped losing weight.

 

I became tired of blogging about battling the last 15 pounds and of honestly kind of feeling like a loser when so many people who started at the same time were reaching goals and smaller than me. The thing is this should never be about anyone but ME. This blog should be about my struggles and my victories. For many of us our blogs are the only places we can go and focus solely on ourselves. I need to reclaim my blog, it is my journey and I am always grateful for my followers and the support, but I have to write for me. I'm sorry if I'll be posting about the same few pounds constantly, but that's where I'm at right now.

 

I'm starting over in a way – I just said no to a doughnut because that's what newly banded Linda would have done (but not last week Linda). I'm logging my food on Livestrong again – honestly. If I eat the cheesecake I'll log it. I'm changing my view from "What can I get away with eating without gaining?" to "What should I be eating?".

 

I need some good cheerleaders and I promise I'll cheer back.