I want to swim!!

Hi folks - Happy almost New Year! I've decided to do what I normally don't - post some goals for 2012 (goals, not resolutions). 2011 had it's ups and downs. On the down side - my weight stayed the same all year(which also could have been the upside, it could have gone up), my work environment got increasingly negative as the year went on, our financial situation didn't improve. On the upside - my daughter is healthy and wonderful, Rick and I celebrated our 11th anniversary, we took a great vacation last month and celebrated a lovely Christmas.

A really just felt like I treaded water all year. Which, sometimes is all you can do. In 2012 I want to swim!!!

I'm copying Maria's goal format because it seemed so organized and clear.

Health:
1. Get to weight goal of 160
2. Exercise 3x a week
3. Eat more fruits and veggies when possible
4. Blog more - it helps!!

Home:
1. Clean out extra bedroom
2. Set up desk/new computer in kitchen/dining area
3. Get a new sofa!

Work/Finance:
1. Focus on getting new job (revise resume, network more)
2. Stick to monthly budget (get Rick involved)
3. Pay off Honda Early(get a part time job to accomplish this if needed)!

I hope everyone has a great New Year's Eve and stays safe!

Back to Reality...

Hi everyone. I'm back from vacation and landed smack into the middle of holiday madness. We spent last week at Disney and had such a great time. We stayed at the Wilderness Lodge(for the second time) and it was so beautiful all done up for Christmas. I really can't express what a great trip we had, we desperately needed a family vacation and it really was a special time. We had no bickering or fighting, just fun.

Of course we ate tons of great stuff and I had desert with almost every meal, but the walking must have offset the bulk of the calories because I'm pretty much where I'm at when we left. I wish I could say I'm smaller than the last time I blogged, but I'll get there some day. I'm trying to focus on eating meals and less snacking for the next few weeks so I don't have a holiday backslide.

Here are some pics from our trip. I threw in some from our 2009 trip too just remind me how far I had come. This was September 2009, 3 months after surgery and I was around 245 (down from 279).

Rick, Pooh and Cate

Me and my twin, Snow White

Cate and Donald

We have some nice family shots too, but I haven't downloaded them all yet.

Stuff and nonsense

Well I think about posting every day, but don't quite get there. My last post was important for me to get my gain out there and I want to thank everyone for their support. I've been doing pretty good, not perfect, but good. I'm trying to eat less between meals and get the sweets out of my system. I've lost weight and now I'm down to 173 (from a scary 180). I've made a goal of getting out of the 170's and to 165 by Christmas - lofty yes, but I need something to focus on and I've got a good support team.

What else is going on? Well we have our big trip to Disney coming up soon. We're all really excited and need a vacation. I know Disney is not everyone's cup if tea, but it's so great with kids and we're looking forward to seeing it decorated for Christmas. Also, I'm a planner - I LOVE to plan trips (I guess my years catering play into this), so I'm a super freak when it comes to our Disney trips. I have our meals planned, days scheduled - you should see my spreadsheets. If anyone is ever going and wants help - ask me. Although I'm not a freak that has things so scheduled it's not fun - it's all about fun. Any FL ladies that might want to meet up let me know. I do have a tight schedule, but if anyone's up for meeting for a drink or something I'll do my best.

Of course, I have to do Thanksgiving first. I think it's interesting to read newly banded peoples blogs when they get stressed about holiday eating. I totally get it and I'm sure I was the same way, but I really don't stress the holidays anymore (at least the food aspect). I know what I can and can't eat and I know if I eat too much it will show on the scale, but ultimately I am in control.



Have a good week everyone!!

The Vanishing Blogger

What does it mean when a blogger stops blogging? It could be a lot of things:

 

I am busy – yes

I kind of have nothing interesting to write about – yes

I have gained weight – YES!!!!

 

Ugh, I am so not in a good place. I am frightened to see the scale up for the first time in 2 years, seriously frightened. I am slipping into very old habits. It started probably about a month ago – I have been tight since then. I know it is mostly from stress – work is stressful right now and at home things are OK but we have a big trip to Disney planned at the end of this month then we go right onto Christmas so I am watching money like a hawk. Money (or lack there of) always equals stress.

 

So I have been tight, but not to the point I wanted to go in to get some fluid removed (yet), but the last 2 weeks have been the worst. I fell into a cycle of eating sliders – popcorn (yes, Jenny Chicago mix too), peanut butter M&M's (protein right), brie (?). The list could go on. I finally got scared straight when I stepped on the scale and saw a 9 pound weight gain. Suddenly I could easily see how people who have WLS put it back on. I do not want to go from a poster girl for band success to statistic.

 

I decided to have a couple mushie days (healthy mushies) to see if it would help the tightness and it seems to have worked. I've eaten proper dinner 2 nights in a row – a victory. I am trying to be very aware of what's going in my mouth and I'm logging food. This morning I had dropped 2 pounds (I'm sure some of the weight was bloat from sodium) which has helped my mental state.

 

This really goes back to me (and many of us) learning to deal with weight like thin or normal size people do. If they gain 5 pounds they address it immediately, not when it turns into to 20, 50 or 100. How many times have you rolled your eyes a skinny woman who was dieting to lose 5 pounds and said "bitch please"? The thing is they are right – it's easier for me to deal with this now then when I'm pushing 200 pounds again.

 

It feels good to write it out and admit I screwed up and acknowledge I'm addressing it. We are lucky to have our bands, they help so much, but it will always be something I have to pay attention to. That's OK.

Why I Heart Chicago

Well, I didn't take any pictures in Chicago (well, a few on my phone), but I knew there would be tons around that would be shared. Of course I had a great time and there was far too little time to get to really talk to everyone the way I wanted to. I did get to spend time with some people I didn't last year (like Jenny & Draz) and some new people I was excited to meet (like Amanda and Liz).

I did a ton of fun things; ate a lot, went to a sex shop, shopped a little, walked the city, stared at a (wo)man's ass that we would all kill for, sat in my pajamas with 50 other women.

 

What I really want to write about Chicago is the feeling you get from being with everyone else. It was my second year and it really felt different – things and places felt familiar, I felt less guarded.

Generally when people asked me where I was going I would say a "girl's weekend" – which is what it was, but I don't think people envision 50+ women with organized events and sponsors. I did tell my Mom both this year and last about it and while I know she was happy I was going to have fun I don't think she quite got it. I mean I guess we all know people who would think we were crazy to fly or drive across the country to meet people they met on the internet. Sometimes it sounds crazy to me.

 

The love and acceptance we give and get from each other is hard to explain in words. It's that I can look one of them in the eye across the room and burst out laughing about something silly, it's having an "issue" during a meal and having no one freak out or judge you, it's feeling comfortable enough to change clothes in front of women and not feel ashamed about not being perfect.

 

I have made life long friends through this blog – I never imagined that when I started, but I am thankful to you all.

Home Again, Home Again

Why is unpacking so much less fun than packing??

I am home from Chicago to a messy house but loving family.

I am tired, but recharged. Stories and pictures will follow, but I wanted to thank everyone who came for making it a fabulous weekend. It was great to see new and old friends.

To my fellow planners, you are amazing group of women I am honored to have exchanged 10,000 emails with. I love you all.

I'm too excited to sleep!!!

Remember that Disney World commercial where the cute little boy says "I'm too excited to sleep" the night before they go to Disney? That's me today - I'm so excited (and a little stressed) about the trip to Chicago tomorrow.

I just realized I haven't actually posted in ages, but I've been busy swapping millions of emails (all very important) with the other members of the planning committee.

Since I haven't blogged in ages I'll bullet point some stuff going on:

• I finished the challenge with a very small loss. My goal was to get into the 160's by the trip. I was 171 on Sunday - close but not there yet.
  
• Yesterday was Cate's 7th birthday - I can't believe she's 7! I'm weirdly emotional about it - like she's totally a kid now, not my baby.
  
• My husband's car needed new brakes - put a big dent in my Chicago fun money, but that's cool I'll live vicariously through the other shoppers.
  
• I have a ton to do tonight - must drink coffee
• My hair is like Crystal Gayle long, but I don't have time to get it cut. Look for exciting experimental hairstyles from me in Chicago

I hope everyone traveling to BOOBS has a safe trip. To all those not going, we will be thinking of you and drinking a toast in your honor.

BOOBS Fun Facts

1. How did you pick your blog name? I think I wanted something that said band but was not really band related. I work for a software company and bandwidth is mentioned a lot so it seemed to fit.

2. When did you start blogging? May 2009 - A few weeks before my surgery. I belonged to a June 09 group on LBT and the subject of starting blogs came up. I thought -hey why not? Little did a know the affect it would have on my success and life. Of the group of us that started blogs, I think Breanne (lap band lady) and I are the only ones that still blog actively.

3. Theme of blog? Weigh loss, life with band, real life...

4. Did you go to BOOBs 2010? Yes - I was on the planning committee last year too. It was awesome, overwhelming & fun. If it wasn't I don't think we'd be doing it again. 

5. When were you banded? June 4th, 2009

6. How much have you lost? 121 pounds from my highest weight ever. 107 pounds since banding (according to this morning's weight)

7. What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs? Seeing all my girls, talking, laughing, having a great weekend

8. What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011?  I want to reconnect with all my old buddies, but also meet some of the new bloggers. I don't think I've kept up with all the newbies so well the last year and I want to remedy that.

9. Children? Pets? One gorgeous daughter Cate (6), one old, loud cat (14)

10. Who is your roomie? I have two great roomies - Read(My Trek Downward) and Rhonda (Cozy Coconut)

11. What day do you arrive? Thursday, 10AM

12. What airport/flight/time? Midway

13. What events are you signed up for? The only formal thing I signed up for was the drag show Thursday night. I'm a go with the flow kind of girl (sometimes), so we'll see what happens

14. Hobbies? Baking, Cooking, reading

15. Career? I am a trained chef and cooked, catered for many years. I stopped when Cate was born and now work as a training specialist for a SW company. I would like to go back to the food industry...

16. Single? Married? In a relationship? Rick and I have been married for almost 11 years and together for 17(!)

17. Your birthday month? October!! I turn 40 (eek) the week after BOOBS so it part of my extended birthday celebration

18. What do you want other BOOBs to know about you? Hmm... I think I may come across as quiet and standoff - ish, I can be shy, but was I loosen up I'm silly and crazy like everyone else. So I guess, just don't be afraid to say 'Hi" to me. 

Cate's First Day of School

Well- it was actually Tuesday, but I'm slow.
She's growing up quickly. She told me last month she wanted "cooler" clothes. Ok, whatever.
Doing OK with eating- had a small binge yesterday, but today is fresh. Right? Big thing is we have no junk in the house which is helping.
I FINALLY booked my plane tickets to Chicago yesterday. They actually went down in price the last few weeks. Yea!!

Time to Refocus (again)

Well there seems to be a theme in blogland with some of us old timers. We've hit "we're looking good" , "I lost over 100 pounds", or "I'm lazy"(that's mine) plateaus. I've been in it for almost officially a year. Yes since last BOOBs.
Last year my goal was to be in the 170's by BOOB's and I barely made it, but I did. Yesterday my weight weight was 172.8. So yea 7 pounds in a year - awesome!
So my mini goal is to get to the 160's by this years BOOB's. Dare to dream right? I must start watching my nighttime eating and my "treats". My whole diet is a treat lately. Enough said - I got over 120 pounds off, I can get 15 more off.

In other news, we survived Irene with minimal damage and school starts for Cate tomorrow. She's a big 1st grader.

One good thing that's happening (and will hopefully help me) is that my husband Rick is finally on track with his band. After port replacement and tons problems getting fills, he's finally got restriction and is seeing results. He also started his blog back up (well a new address). I told him I would link to it IF he committed to blogging and not drop off the face of the planet again. He agreed, so if you are so inclined to follow him it's http://yesitsarace.blogspot.com/. Right now he just has one super lovely follower (guess who?).

I hope everyone has a great week - we are so close to BOOB's now. Are you excited???
You are not going to believe all the awesome stuff that the planners are doing - it is amazing to work with that group.

Holy Shit

We just had an earthquake! That was super scary.

Big Sexy

So I took a little "me time" off from work yesterday. I had a full blown chill and watch bad TV day. During my mini marathon of "Say Yes to the Dress" I saw this commercial for a new show called "Big Sexy". From what I can tell it's a show about plus size models/professionals in NYC. They of course say things like "once you go big you never go twig" and "we are big and beautiful". I never quite know how to react to these shows. Should I be glad that these women are so comfortable in their bodies(so they say) and are getting attention? Or mad that they are being exploited? I mean instead of having a show of just fat chicks out on the prowl, wouldn't it be more evolved to just have a mixture of different size women? Why does everything have to be so EXTREME? Plus, how many months will it be before one of these women is on the cover of People magazine in Jared pants showing us her amazing weight loss? I don't know - I really don't want to say that no one can be really happy with themselves being overweight and we all know that losing weight doesn't cure our problems, but when people talk so much about how they love themselves the way they are it just smacks of overcompensation.

Anywhoozle- just my two cents.

I know I've posted this before but this is a link for an online designer shopping site that I've gotten good stuff from. Right now if you sign up you get a $10 credit. Check it out if you are so inclined:http://www.ruelala.com/invite/lharris027

Ghosts of Snack Machines Past

I had some interesting thoughts today in the lunch room – not sure if I'm ashamed of them or if they are merely thoughts on my own past.

 

While I was heating up my cup of chili there were several women in there I don't know well (because they gutted our Accounting Department and replaced everyone). One lady is pretty large (I feel bad writing that b/c it means I thought it) – I would say 350 pounds. And while I'm in there she's talking out loud to everyone (but specifically to another woman) "I'm so hungry. Am I going to get chips? Of course I'm going to get chips. Did you buy peanut M&M's? They sound good." 

 

So the whole time I was thinking how I would have never talked about buying junk food or being hungry or anything of that nature when I weighed almost 300 pounds. No way – wouldn't that have been so much ammo for some skinny bitch to make fun of me? Also, I'll admit I've hit up the snack machine at work many times (both pre & post band), but I used to only get stuff when I know no one was around and then covertly walk back to my humble cube.

 

In retrospect – I guess I give this woman props because she doesn't care what people think (maybe? or maybe it's a defense mechanism). I mean who was I kidding? I may not have eaten in front of people much, but it was obviously I ATE. A lot.

 

How about you guys? Were you a non public eater?

 

In other news I'm pretty much an epic fail in the weight loss challenge. I know what's wrong (night eating, junk eating), but I'm STRUGGLING. I'm seriously thinking of finding a eating disorder councilor to go to try to get a handle on it. Up to this point I've addressed the physical problem, but not the mental.

Hey, it's me...

So apparently it's been awhile time since my last post. I don't feel like it's that long since we're knee deep in BOOBS planning right now and since I'm trading a ton of emails with the other planners I feel very BOOBS focused, but I'm ignoring my own little blog.

So what's been going?

• Well weight loss is still pretty slow. I am struggling with my "sweets treat" at nights, they need to go.
  
• I KNOW I need to exercise to get where I need to be. Catherine's recent post about that really woke me up. I'm trying to work on finding extra time in the schedule for something structured. I also signed Cate and I up for mother/daughter Zumba on Saturdays in the fall.
  
• My Mom is having a hard time with some adjustments to her medications and is really struggling emotionally. This is hard on many levels, hard to see her upset, hard on my 83 year Dad who is doing too much, hard on me(and my siblings). I feel like it's affecting me more than I know right now, but she had a better week and we're going to see them tomorrow.
• Work is still not good. We had a company picnic/meeting a week ago and were told the team was in place (no more layoffs) and it was great, etc. Then 2 business days later they laid off a great worker with 14 years tenure and a ton of little kids at home. It sucked and felt very cut throat.
  
• At that same picnic I drank a little too much, but also walked around a work function in shorts (nice walking shorts - not Daisy Dukes) and a tank top with no self conscientiousness. Big NSV (the beer may have helped a little).
  

So that's what's been going on lately, nothing exciting. We're chugging along here. I am seriously looking forward to Chicago (if you haven't sent in your meal selection - do it!!!)

Did you see how pretty my blog is? Of course, Jenny spruced it up for me - she's the best. Seriously the best.

Have a great weekend!!!

Heat and Bands

We all know that things affect our bands tightness (stress, hormones, flying) even if our Dr.'s don't always get it. I am so super tight right now and have the double whammy of extreme heat and hormones.
I just slimmed up some hummus and crackers ( I have to say I think it was my first "real slime" since surgery) and it sucked.
Am I the only person on the East Coast that is looking forward to a big bowl of soup for dinner?
How much do outside factors affect the tightness of your band? Is this heat wave affecting you at all?

 

Greetings from the Tropics!

Hello all!

It is an oppressively hot Thursday here in lovely Maryland, but it's OK. I'm sure I'll need to get a part time job to pay my electric bill next month but I'll worry about that next month.

I'm really happy because my Mom had some tests done today that came back clear, so that's awesome. She was really, really nervous about them because they had found pre-cancerous polyps last year during the same test. She had gotten so nervous about it we had to get her on a different anti-anxiety medication to keep her calm. It's never fun to start to worry about your aging parent's health, but I'm blessed that they are both kicking and that they were able to finally move back to the East Coast this year to be closer to us.

Weight wise, I had a great week last week with the challenge, but this week I'm OTR (thanks Maria, great old school term) and swollen, so I'm not really sure where I'm at. I'm very tight this week with the combination of heat and hormones. I'm going to keep an eye on it – if it continues I might have to go get a de-fill/un-fill.

Not too much else going on – just trucking through summer. I can't believe it's the end of July.

I really miss blogging a lot lately (my own fault) I know. I do little posts in my head but they never seem significant enough to really post. I think I'm going to make an effort to post more, even if it's dumb and you don't read them. Also, I'm on Google+ so if you are and I haven't found you let me know.

Please keep fellow blogger Bonnie (Banded and Proud of It) in your thoughts today. Her Dad is having surgery and I know good thought and prayers are welcome.

Try, Try Again

Well from the look of it, I'm the only one who GAINED weight their first week of the challenge. It was a 1/2 pound, but still not the motivation I was looking for. Somehow I can't get it through my brain that I don't weigh 279 pounds and things I used to be able to eat and still lose I just can't do anymore (at least not all the time). So it's time for the dreaded "D" word – at least for a few weeks. I think if I had just a couple weeks of loss on the scale I'd get motivated again.

Also, I think I'm going to buy a new scale (I'm not blaming it I swear), ours is a WW one that I've liked, but it's really inconsistent lately. Last week it said anything from 178(!) to 174 and I just changed the battery in it. I feel like I'm on the Biggest Loser when they scale goes up and down before their real weight pops up on the weigh in. I found this on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0032TNPOE/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&m=A37RGE1MLU3I6K – it's affordable and gets great reviews- anyone tried it?

Also Gilly insinuated I might be a scale whore (very true) and said she only weighs in once a week during competitions. I don't think I can go from multiple times a day to once a week, but I'm going to try to do Wednesday morning then Sunday morning. We'll see how it goes.

We had a good, busy weekend. It was my Mom's birthday and we all got together and celebrated. She has been struggling with changing some medication she's been on so I think it cheered her up. I made a carrot cake and cake pops. It was the first time I made cake pops – they were a big hit. I wish I took pictures they were so cute, next time.

I predict this will be a long week, very hot and blah. I have an awesome get together to look forward to with Bonnie and Read and their families on Sunday. Bonnie was gracious enough to invite us over to their pool (luckily this will be after my Sunday morning weigh in, so I might partake in a drink or two).

OK – onward and downward. I have a delicious Click protein shake waiting for me for breakfast (aren't you proud?).

Confusion Reigns

I am in weird space right now with my body and weight. It's really something I've never experienced before because actual goal weights and being a "normal" weight always seemed elusive to me. When you're pushing 300 pounds seeing a weight with a 1 in front of it or wearing a size 10 literally seem like impossible feats. They are not, but as we all know those achievements in and of themselves don't bring happiness. Yes, I am happy to do tons of things I couldn't do 100+ pounds ago, but I'm still unhappy with how I look right now.

 

I really stopped writing about this because I got tired of writing that I was stuck at the same weight and I needed to get me shit together and honestly I'm sure people are tired of reading it. I'm really surprised that I didn't get comments that just said "Ok, get your shit together then". I guess part of my problem is right now I have days where I look and feel good and days where I just say "god, you'll always be fat". It's hard to balance those feelings and up to this point I've let the positive talk over power the negative – which is why I think I've been so complacent about hitting my goal let myself stay in this huge plateau.

 

I guess I'm not really sure what I should be doing – listening to the negative talk? Maybe this will spur me on a bit? That seems counter productive really.

 

I decided I'd join the BOOB's challenge, in the past they have always given me some motivation. And I actually sat down last night and tried to decide to really make a weight goal – one that is important to me. I'm not going to type or put it in my blog (at least right now). My plan is to try to hit it by my 40^th birthday – which is the week after BOOB's (but we'll celebrate there – right?).

 

I know this is not the most uplifting Friday post, but it's good for me to work it out – that's why we blog right (and to show off our clothes)?

 

I hope everyone has a good holiday weekend in Canada (today) & the US (Monday). And a lovely weekend everywhere else.

Fat, Freak Outs and my Paul Hewson Daze

So last time I posted I was getting ready to go see U2 and wear a sparkly top so my lover Bono could see me and carry me off somewhere (the fantasy gets hazy after that...). Anyway, when I went home that day to change into my sparkly top I had a grand mal hissy fit because I LOOKED FAT. Never mind that I had stood in the J.Crew dressing room the day I bought it for like 10 minutes admiring myself, last Thursday at 6:00PM every roll and muffin top was highlighted like a an old college textbook.

I eventually got my shit together and found clothes, but I hate having these episodes. I'm sure everyone goes through them, but honestly I didn't get so crazy when I was hugely fat because I never had an expectations that I would look good. Now I think I have huge reverse body dysmorphic disorder and expect to see a much thinner person than I am.

So now I am in my official "U2 daze" which is the classic condition of just generally being happy for about 2 weeks after a show(Rick loves it), it can be longer if I have really good seats. I won't bore you with details because if you care you already know they are awesome and if you don't, you don't(but maybe you should re-evaluate your life). I will just say that I am a very quiet, reserved person, so I often catch people off guard when I go ape shit at a U2 concert. This time I warned a nice guy who brought his maybe 10/11 year old son to the show(how sweet) who was sitting next to us that I might frighten the child when I start screaming like a 12 year old girl seeing Justin Beiber when Bono appears(it seemed only fair). I really think screaming and singing at the top of your lungs for 2 hours is amazingly cathartic. It's so rare I can 100% forget all my troubles and feel like a teenager again. Thanks boys!

Stupid Blogger

So I wrote a post at about 8 pm last night and its on my blog, but never showed up in the dashboard or Google reader. It had the winner of the Zone Bar contest do if you entered please see the missing post below.
I'm going to see my lover Bono in concert tonight. I'm so excited- I've seen U2 many times in concert and they are always great. I bought a really sparkle tank top from J Crew to wear. I need to sparkle so he can see me, our seats are so bad. Maybe I'll post a pic if I have time. It's definitely not something I would have worn at 279 pounds.

The Zone Bar Zone Winner Is..... (and other stuff)

The winner of the Zone Bar samples is commenter #8 - KRISTEN!!! Kristen email me with your address and I'll get them to you.

I had a Dr. appointment with my surgeon on the 13th - it went OK. I didn't get a fill - she wants me to have an upper GI first. If that looks OK, she will give me one. There's no worry on my part that I have issues, but I'm 2 years old and have an almost full band, so she'd like to just get a check. I don't dislike my surgeon, but she's a surgeon and kind of dry - I miss old NP, but I need to get over it. I am planning on getting an upper GI next week just to see and of course I've been crazy tight since the appointment.


I'm not sure how many of you follow Bunny, but she had a great post today quoting a veteran bandster (8 years out) that she found in a FB suport group. Check it out if you have time it's a great list of band lesson's she learned.

ZonePerfect Review and Giveaway

Last year part of my BOOB’s planning committee responsibilities was requesting donations for our gift bags and because of that I often to try new products from the great companies that donated. I was lucky enough to get samples of new ZonePerfect Sweet and Salty bars and wanted to review them.

 

The bars come in two flavors, Cashew Pretzel and Trail Mix. I have to say that I really like these bars because they can curb a sweet tooth when the urge strikes and still give you a good source of protein. I like both flavors – the Trail Mix is more like a chewy granola type bar, but more substantial and the Cashew Pretzel has a cashew butter (almost peanut butter) taste to it – plus it has pretzels, so it’s my favorite!They do have less protein than a standard Zone bar (which are a go to food for me), but they are a good change of pace for me.

 

For me the bars are very filling and ¾ to a full bar is a great breakfast. If you are burnt out on protein bars (which does happen to me), give these a try.

 

Now for fun – if want to try them, leave a comment below and I’ll a pick a random winner to send a few to. The only caveat is you must be a follower of my blog to win.

 

You can also go to www.facebook.com/zoneperfect to request a free bar to try.

Some thoughts on fills...

This always happens – I must have a dozen posts where right before I'm scheduled to get a fill I think I don't need it. I know you're saying – you couldn't have a dozen posts, that's a lot of fills, but if you've ever read my blog from the beginning you'll know I got a lot of fills. You don't get to 9.75 cc's without many visits. Anyway, I have an appointment scheduled for Monday – kind of a 2 year check up and hopefully a little drop of fill. I feel pretty good about my level, but the last month or two I felt like I could use a tweak (like .10 cc's). Of course it's been hot as crap here and that affects how tight I am and I had strep last week and that does too. I'm going to see if she's willing to give me one and go from there. If she is I think I'll take a small one – the worst thing would be that I have to go back in for an unfill, but I don't think I will.

 

So as someone who obviously took a long time to reach restriction, I thought I'd give some of my thoughts on fills and what worked for me. I know it's all part of the process, but I get down when I read people who want to give up because they don't have the right fill level. So here are some musings of mine about the process based on my experience, others may whole heartily disagree because none of us experience the same thing with the band.

 

Find a Dr. or NP that really listens to you when you are building up to restriction. This was key for me, my NP was very supportive and trusted me when I would go in with 6 or 7 cc's and say "I feel nothing". We talked a lot and she gave me a lot of big girl fills always with the caveat of "call immediately if you have problems". If I had a Dr. that I had to beg for every fill (like I know some do) I would have given up.

 

If you're struggling with weight loss - evaluate your fill level. The band is not made to keep you from eating - you're still in control, but small fills can really make a difference. I felt some restriction after I hit 8 cc's, but I knew I wasn't close to the mystical "sweet spot" that everyone talked about. I kept going in for small fills and finally hit my magic number – 9.75cc's. My last fill was April 2010 – it was a .25 cc and I've been good since.

 

I know some people are way more sensitive to fills then I am, so I am in no way advocate putting yourself in danger of being overfilled. It is miserable and unhealthy. A day of two of liquids or mushies is OK after a fill, but if you can't eat solids, get a unfill.

 

Try to find out before you have any issues what your office's philosophy is on unfills. Some offices seem fine with people coming in to get small unfills, but some Dr.'s will do a complete unfill if you come in with a problem. It's their prerogative and I'm sure can change on a case by case basis, but if you know you'll be more mentally prepared for what may happen.

Realize that what is perfect for you, may not be for others. I used to beat myself up a lot because I could always eat a cup or more of food and I would read people's blogs saying a half a cup filled them up or two bites of banana would carry them through a morning. What I finally got was that I was losing and successful and if I can eat a cup of food vs. a half a cup that's OK.

 

I don't think any of this is earth shattering to most of us, but I think lately I post more about life in general than band related stuff, so it's good to talk about basics sometimes.

 

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Guess what I forgot?

I got an email from obesity help the other day wishing me happy bandiversary. Wow, I can't believe I forgot and Wow, it's been 2 years. Last year I was so obsessed with hitting a certain goal by my 1 year anniversary that June 5th was etched in my head.
I guess it's good I forgot, it means I'm living my life. On the other hand, I have been really down and struggling about why I can't mentally get past whatever it is that's stopping me from hitting goal. I kind of think I need to focus on these last pounds more intensely than the first.

I'm not going to focus on what I haven't accomplished, but what I have in the last two years:
I've lost 111 pounds!!
I wear skirts and non-Mom bathing suits in public now
I've met tons of new friends (you all)
I've gained self worth and confidence
I can shop anywhere now
I can walk and run in public without being embarrassed
So many other things...

Last but not least we had Cate's ballet recital a few weeks ago and I can never resist a good collage. 2009's was a week before surgery.  

The best I can do today....

The right leg surgery was much worse it hurts like a bitch to stand at all. I have to go to work b/c people are out for vacation. I'm going in at 11:00- It's going to be 90 degrees today, so there's no f'n way I'm wearing pants and the hose from hell. My ensemble today is the Esprit maxi dress I usually wear as a pool coverup and a cardi. I don't think it looks too bad...

All The Single (digit) Ladies...

I know there are many of us in blogland that dream of our pant size one day being a single digit. And I know there are the few, the proud, the skinny who have achieved this great feat. To all of those beautiful, wonderful women I humbly ask " do you have any summer clothes that you would like to pass along to the sisterhood?" I'm not proud, I will beg a little. I have one pair of shorts and one pair of capris I can wear right now - it's not good. So if anyone is closet cleaning and has small 12's or 10's they don't need anymore I would gladly pay for shipping. And I promise (hopefully), I will pass them on...

Thanks for listening to me beg - do you all have "Single Ladies" in your head now?

Also - I'm going to count begging for size 10 clothes as an NSV

A vein-y tale...

This is just a warning that I may post several times today (a la Amy W.)  because I have things swirling in my head (big things, little things) that make no sense together. So be prepared for the chick who posts once every two weeks to go crazy (now watch something happen and I won't – I know you'll live).

 

So I thought I'd give an update on the vein procedure. I had the first one Monday afternoon and the second this afternoon. Monday's went fine, it really isn't painful – the numbing shot is the worst part. It has that weird feeling you get during a dental appointment, where's there no pain but pressure. Today may be worse because it's my bad leg and the veins are all horrible and twisty – but it won't be that bad. The worst part is wearing the compression hose. OMG – these things are a bitch. First of all, let me tell you I hate wearing socks, hose, anything in general, on my feet and legs. So having to wear these super tight (think Spanx times 10), super hot, hose is extra punishing to me (also, they make me walk like Frankenstein). I'm supposed to wear them 24x7 for the first 3 days and then through next week. I've already cheated and I'm just wearing a surgical support sock on my leg right now – I promise I will put them back on soon.

 

One thing I was not prepared for was that they were all up in my junk a lot (. I totally did not do a good shave (I have a level 2- knee length skirt shave going), so my upper thigh and personal area were all natural. By the end of the appointment I was mortified – I mentioned something jokingly to one of the nurses and she said "please, we are not fazed by body hair". After it was all over the Dr. kept trying to clean up the iodine on my upper thigh and "area" and it seemed like it went on forever – it really took all my nerve not to scream "just f'ing leave the iodine". I tried my best to clean it up the area a bit last night – really anything would be an improvement.Although I won't be shooting my Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover today either.

 

So there's my vein-y tale. If more excitement happens tonight on the right leg I'll let you know.

Thanks, Duh and Veins

Happy Monday morning everyone! I'm at work early this morning because I leave early to have a little medical procedure done later today(more on that later). I am having a hard time staying awake...

I wanted to thank everyone on their nice comments on my bridesmaid dress post. I will say it was amazing to go to an event where you know tons of pictures will be taken and not have that dread in the pit of your stomach. I was really excited to see the pictures - who could have imagined that? In fact it really hit me when I was talking with another bridesmaid and asked her if she saw the pictures and her immediate response was "I look horrible in them" - that was me 2 years ago. So anyone starting out on their journey, this is one of those big NSV's you don't even think about, but it's awesome. I think I had maybe 6 pictures taken of me from 2005-2009, seriously.

In a follow up to my Mojo post, things have been going well. I don't know if it's 100% back, but I have been focusing on band fundamentals and Duh! - it's working. I am trying to drink more water (I never get the 80 oz a day), but I'm ramping up to 60. I'm also focusing on stopping eating when I feel some pressure. I had gotten in a bad habit of continuing to eat even when I knew I shouldn't and that was really causing me a lot of stuck episodes the last few months. I'm not sure when I decided that those extra bites of whatever were worth the pain, but they are not. I have gotten back down to 170, I think it's mostly water, but I'll take it. On Saturday night my band snapped shut - not sure if it's stress or hormones(my two band tighteners), but I tried to eat some stupid stuff yesterday and paid the price. today I have soup and yogurt and mashed potatoes packed for today.

Later today I'm having VNUS Closure done on one of my legs (I will actually have them both done this week). I have varicose veins that are ugly and getting worse each year, so I finally decided to have this done. My mom has horrible varicose veins and I want to avoid that in the future. I'm a little anxious, but it's supposed to be pretty minor - it's totally outpatient. Has any else ever had this done (I think Jen from Oregon did)? Let me know if you have and how it went.

Hope everyone has a good day! I'll take pictures of my super ugly veins so I can do before and afters in a few weeks.

Pictures!!

I finally got access to pictures from my best friends wedding that Cate and I were both in. There's really nothing more sobering than looking through 900 pictures where you're in maybe half and seeing yourself from lots of not so flattering angles. A big word of advice to all of you with arm skin issues- don't let them take your picture when you are raising your glass while giving a toast(it's not pretty to have your bat wings captured on film).

So here are some pics:

The beautiful bride and Cate, her flower girl

Cate and I before the ceremony

Cate after some serious dancing at the reception

All the bridesmaids...

During my photo shoot

Another photo shoot - my bra's showing - Joey can you photoshop that out???

What Aisle is the Mojo In?

I lost my mojo – I think it's buried underneath a pile of unpaid bills, dirty underwear and old magazines. Seriously. I am mad at myself for staying in this plateau (although it's not a plateau if you're not trying) for so long. I have been in the 170's for 8 MONTHS!! I don't know why I have no motivation to breakthrough and hit my goal.

 

I have started the processing of really looking at what I've been doing lately. Here are some things:

 

Not planning meals

Eating too much take out

Buying crap and bringing it home

Eating too fast, getting stuck, being hungry later and eating more

Too many late night snacks

Too many carbs

 

 

So you see there are reasons this is happening and of course I'm terrified of gaining it all back with my bad habits returning.

 

I've made a plan to start planning meals again, start following basic bandster rules again, bringing lots of spring/summer fruits and veg in the house instead of pop chips (those bastards). It is not easy, but the phase I lost the most weight during was not hard either. I never dieted, but I was aware of what I ate. I am not being aware right now (conscientiously or unconscientiously).

 

I have an appointment with my surgeon on June 13^th, a month from today. It will be a 2 year follow up and I will hopefully get a little drop of fill. I have made the decision I will be in the 160's by that appointment – whether mojo's back or not. Sometimes if our mojo leaves us we need to buy some more. Do they sell it at Nordstrom?

Byoc

I haven't done a byoc in ages, but if I can show off a purse i'll do it. I love my bags!

1. So it's well established that I'm not a natural exerciser, but I try when I can. My goal would be to get to a point that it is just naturally part of my routine(some of you are there and I applaud you). I think physically I can do most things if I try, so its much more mental for me.

2. My purse is below maybe. Not sure how it shows up on mobile Blogger. Anyway it's my goal weight purse I bought last month. It' a kooba sloane that I love. Now I know you're saying wouldn't we know if Linda hit her goal weight? Yes, you would. I sat looking at it so much that one day Rick said you have lost 125 pounds over the past 2 years (pre and post band), please just carry the bag - you deserve it. And who am to disagree?

3. Blog world seemed quiet this week. I am reading as always, but a bad commenter.
In real life I was busy catching up after time off for my bff's wedding. It was awesome and a separate post with pics will come.

Deep Thoughts...

I haven't posted in a while. I've had a crazy few weeks with Cate's Spring Break, Easter and a crazy cold/allergy hybrid that won't go away. I'm sad to see the year going by so fast, but I'm kind of glad to see May come. Since I'm scattered I'll resort to bullets points today.

 

• My best friend's wedding is this weekend. To save money I've opted to do my hair, makeup and nails myself. Actually. I did my own makeup for my wedding because I hate when other people do – it never looks right. I have a feeling a may be getting a mani/pedi somewhere on Friday morning just because.
• I have my cold/allergy thing and it's my TOM so I'm tight right now. And bloated – my weight this morning was so high I almost lost it. I know it's a lot of water though because my rings are tight (but I can't discount the Easter candy).
• I feel every drop of the bloat/weight in my bridesmaid dress. I'm thinking of doing liquids tomorrow to see if it helps.
• Did anyone watch The Voice last night? It didn't plan on it(I'm not a huge fan of those shows) but I got sucked in after The Biggest Loser. I really liked it – it's amazing how we let someone's looks influence how we perceive them. I was shocked to hear the voices coming out of some of these really unassuming people. Also, someone needs to get Christina a stylist in a big way – she is a hot mess.
• Do you have anyone you work with that you would secretly like to submit to What Not to Wear? There are a lot of candidates in my office, but one lady wears high water pants every day. Not like she owns one pair that she screwed up on – no, every pair hit her ankle. I know she's one of these women who doesn't care and would say she's above that, but really?
• I'm really curious to see what Kate Middleton's wedding dress will look like. She's young and has a really great figure so I think if she were marrying a "normal person" she'd wear like a strapless straight number, but I'm assuming that it needs to be more demure seeing as she's going to be a princess. Maybe I'm wrong…
• I am a very practical, straight forward person, but I always have been a British Royal geek. I am wasting so much time this week watching these shows about Princess Diana – I was up until like 12:30 watching a show about her wedding last night. I also have an inappropriate crush on Prince Harry.

 

I'll leave it at that since images of me and Prince Harry may be too much for many of you to bear.

 

I'll post some wedding pictures next week – think happy thoughts so I can get my dress zipped.

Hopeless

Did you ever really think you would look like you do now (good or bad)? Of course at my heaviest I never thought I looked the way I really did. Now even though I think I've looked "normal" for the past six months I don't think I ever thought I would be here. I started thinking about this because I was considering ebaying a couple really expensive plus size coats I have. One is reversible and I must have cut the tag out to wear the printed side (it's a rain jacket that's black on one side/plaid on the other). In my head I said to myself "why would I do that when I knew I wouldn't keep it forever?". Ah ha! That was new me thinking, the me that knows I'm losing weight and will be out of sizes soon. The coat was from the old me era – I may have talked about losing weight then, but in my heart I had no hope that I could (in fact I grew out of that coat at one point).

 

Do you remember feeling hopeless about your weight? Where you really truly couldn't even imagine yourself not being fat? I do, but not so much anymore. It's good to remember what it felt like sometimes, it's good to remember so I don't go back. Also, when it's easy to get down about losing the same 2-3 pounds over and over, it's good to really step back and think of what you've accomplished. I may have not been happy to see my old friend 173 on the scale this morning, but how does that compare to the years that I didn't own a scale out of fear? I am proud I took the huge step to get out of my hopeless situation and that I put myself first for awhile. We should all be proud of the steps we've taken (or are thinking about taking) that changed our lives.

Oh hi - It's me Debbie Downer

I have been feeling like and eating shit this past week.

 

It started emotionally – last week we had layoffs at work. No matter how much you dislike your job, there's nothing that is worse than the prospect of losing it. It was really a bad scene out of Office Space – we all joked as much as we could but everyone was nervous. I feel relatively safe for awhile, but who knows. It was added stress on top of a stressful month for me (just tight financially), so I couldn't eat as badly as I WANTED to, but I tried. The worst part was my mouth broke out in canker sores (which I've had before during stressful times), I think mainly because I couldn't eat all the stress away.

 

Friday I had the worst headache of my life – it's possible it was a migraine, I'm not sure. I started the day taking sinus/allergy stuff and ended up taking two of my friends' prescription migraine pills. They took the edge off. I guess maybe it was allergies because there is something in the air that is killing me. It started Sunday as a scratchy throat and it mimicked times in the past when I've had reflux – which I thought maybe I did because my band got tighter with the stress (and I didn't take my reflux meds on Saturday). It's progressively gotten worse to the point that last night I had to take a hydrocodone to help me sleep because my throat hurt so bad I could barely swallow my saliva. Of course since this is all throat, esophagus related I kept panicking a little that something with my band may be f'd up. Last night I made myself think rationally about it – it's not that I can't physically swallow or eat; it's that it really hurts my throat. Yesterday I ate a Starbucks smoothie for breakfast, a Chick-fil-a milkshake (don't judge), half a pint of ice cream(don't judge more) and some soup. I'm trying at least not to do all ice cream today….

 

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post – I just wanted to blog since I hadn't in awhile and couldn't be upbeat if I wanted to right now. I'll hopefully be back to may old self in a few days once I figure out the best allergy drug cocktail to fix this.

Dr. Oz

I don't normally watch Dr. Oz (although I have some of his books and like a lot of what he has to say), but I saw a commercial where he was going to be discussing lap-band after the FDA approved for lower BMI's so I decided to DVR it. He devoted about 25 minutes of the show to the topic and it was pretty balanced (Dr. Oz himself often says WLS is a viable option for the morbidly obese). In the beginning of the show he had on 3 Dr.'s (2 pro LB for lower BMI's, 1 opposed). They discussed risks vs. benefits, Dr. Oz also gave a basic primer on how the band works and how the operation is done. They focused a lot on how it's much less invasive than other WLS.

The biggest issue I had with the show was the segment when they had 2 lap band patients on to discuss their life since lap band. One woman was 6 months out (lost 50 pounds), the other was 6 years out and had lost over 100 pounds. They were realistic about how it's not a magic bullet and the woman who was 6 years out admitted that she still had to work to keep the weight off and often gains back 15-20 pounds and then loses it again. They did discuss if you ate too much it was "uncomfortable" (um - yea) or you might throw it back up. The crazy part was when they showed what they eat every day. The woman who was six months out (I am not exaggerating) showed her daily as 5 teaspoons of yogurt for breakfast, a bowl of broth for lunch(she said if it was chunky soup she ate less of it!) and 5 teaspoons of pudding for dinner!! WTF? I ate more than that the day after surgery. The woman who was 6 years out had some solid food at least, but like 5 pieces of penne pasta - it was very extreme. These woman were in no way getting the protein they needed - unless they were blatantly lying about what they ate everyday. Why would someone 6 months out still be eating mushies/liquids everyday?
The part that upset me the most was during the show they had on two woman who were thinking of getting the surgery. After the two bandsters showed what they ate Dr. Oz asked the women if they thought they could handle that diet. The one said well I've tried all sort of diets - liquids only, low carb so this would be different (to paraphrase). I would do it if it helped me get off the weight. I wanted to scream because my whole thing about the band is that it's not a diet and I don't feel deprived ( I know many of you feel the same way) and that's why it works for me. So to tell these woman (and America) that it's basically a liquid/mushie diet forever is a disservice to what the band can do for you.

In all the show was OK in that it showed LB in a positive light and Dr. Oz is realistic that WLS is the final option for some people. Although I have to say if this was on 3 years ago and I saw that I could never eat normally again, I'm not sure if I would have wanted to do it.

Did any of you see the show?? Am I being over critical?

FYI- you can go to Dr. Oz.com and see the clip. It's life after lap band.

WTF

Never mind my fantasy that I would be eating biscuits and white bread today. It just took me an hour to finish a Chobani. Crazy ass band.
I've been toying with naming my band, but after 2 years it may be too late for that - what do you think? I'm thinking maybe the Village People since it has so many different personalities. Like I could say "today it's the Policeman or today it's the construction worker". I am obviously insane!!!!

In narcissistic news - on Fridays we get to wear jeans to work and I'm really loving these new jeans I bought a few weeks ago. I'm usually a Gap jeans girl, but a picked up a pair of ann taylor loft curvy jeans (size 10- yea me!) on the cheap a few weeks ago and I love them. They are tight, but not too tight, not too much stretch (which I'm beginning to hate). Anyway, I'm in our company break room this morning talking to a co-worker and I'm facing this big glass case on the wall and I can see my reflection and apparently become obsessed with it. I notice that there's good amount of curvy space between my arms and torso. And I look and look (all while having a conversation). Anyway the guy turns around to see what I'm looking at! OMG- I am such a freak. I just said I'm trying to read that sign in there...
Yea I'm not so hot that I need to stare that long.

Could it be...

OMG- I think I need a fill. I went back on my blog and looked up the last one I had - April 8th, 2010! So almost a year later, seemingly overnight I feel loose and starving. I'm not even going to tell you all the stuff I ate yesterday - lots. The scary part is that I have my period - normally I'm super tight during this so I'm scared what's going to happen next week. I'll be eating peanut butter on white bread sandwiches, Subway subs, Chick fil-a biscuits... Make it stop.

So I think I'm going to call and see if I can get an appointment with my surgeon. It will be the first time I've seen her for a regular fill - I used to see my super NP, but she left last year. I have a feeling she'll want me to get an upper GI since my band is so filled already, but that's cool. I'll do what I have to do. Plus all the recent posts on the odds of losing your band eventually have gotten to me and I need to make sure I'm following up with my surgeon regularly.

My weight has bounced back up into the 170's again - 169 was nice while it lasted. I'll see it again soon.

Losing Weight For a Good Cause

I know some of us have a love/hate relationship with The Biggest Loser, but they do really good things with Feeding America, which is a program that I really believe in and have done a lot of volunteer work with in the past. They do a pound for pound challenge where they donate a pound of food to foodbanks for every pound you pledge to lose. It's very easy to sign up and since we're all losing weight anyway, why not make the pounds count for something? I signed up ages ago and totally forgot I created a BOOBS team. If anyone wants to join and sign up it's http://www.pfpchallenge.com and the team is Band of Outrageous Babes. Even if you don't want to join the team it would be great if you signed up on your own - Feeding America is really a great organization.

I hope everyone is doing well - I am freaking ready for Spring (yes I know in July I'll be complaining, but I'm so cold). Also in my quest for full disclosure I got my period this morning and decided that it would be a good idea to have a cream cheese brownie for lunch. Ms. band did not - so now I'm having a latte. She is a bitch sometimes.

Guess what I saw this morning?

169!!!! Praise Jeebus, I finally broke out of the 170's. I feel like i'm getting
my mojo back and I attribute a lot of it to seeing so many of my bandster girls in NY over the weekend. If that group can't inspire you, no one will.

A few dress pics

I have been fighting with blogger all night, so if you've seen this post before I'm sorry. Here are a few pictures of my bridesmaid dress. I'm spanx-less and makeup-less,but it looks ok. I'm trying to channel Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. ;)

Test

I got a new phone (HTC Thunderbolt) and I'm testing the mobile Blogger app.

Ok - it fits (big sigh of relief)

I got my bridesmaid dress today (the one I ordered in a boarderline small size) and thank you sweet Jesus - it fit's! I was really worried about the hips, but it was actually tighter in the bust area. It looks really great and I have to say it's so nice to be in this wedding and actually feel good about how I will look. I'll post a picture soon.

Yesterday, Rick had port revision surgery (he's banded too). It wasn't flipped but he had a hard time getting fills - they always had to do it under flouro to see the port and it was hard for him to schedule and he was definitely getting frustrated with his fill level. The last time he was in the surgeon asked him how he would feel about getting it repositioned so it's easier to get to and he agreed. She actually told him she wished she had placed it differently (I told him to ask if was free then). He's doing well - a little sore but pretty good. He also wanted me to mention that while he was a blog failure (he just never did it), he says hi and still reads a lot (and I give him updates).


Oh and um, yes I am leaving him tomorrow to go see the girls at the bandster brunch - before you judge, the bus ticket already purchased. Obviously he's fine with it and if he wasn't I wouldn't go. I'm so excited to see lots of old friends and meet some people for the first time.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Stuff

Ughh - Generally no news is good news, but in the blogging world it's usually avoidance right? Although I don't know truly what I'm avoiding - I'm doing OK (same weight as the last 5 months so maybe not OK), but maintaining is OK I  guess. I am tired of writing that I want out of the 170's, but never stepping up my game. I say I'm doing OK food wise, but nightime snacking has really crept back in my life hard core. Not tons of of food because if so I would be gaining, but enough to keep me from losing.

I don't want to say that I haven't been blogging because of my weight or lack of loss, maybe just a general malaise. I love winter, but I'm ready for spring.

I feel like I'm hitting a critical point here for many reasons and I really need to make a REAL plan to get to my goal of 160 by the end of April.
Some of the reasons are:

My size 12 jeans are falling off, but the 10's I try on give me huge muffin tops - a few pounds would fix this issue
I have a small bridesmaid dress on the way (it gets in on the 24th)
I recently bought my goal bag - and want to carry it!!! It's a Kooba Sloane - they made them like 5 years ago and I fell in love with it, but didn't buy it. They stopped making them, but they occasionally pop up on Ebay or consignment shops.
I JUST WANT TO SEE 160!!!
I'm afraid if I don't change my course a bit I WILL gain


So how will I accomplish this goal? I've always been really clear that diets make me crazy and I lust for what ever food you tell me I can't have. I know I should have more will power, but I don't. What has worked for me is not having any off limit foods BUT when I was really losing I didn't keep crap in the house (if I wanted it we would get something out and be done with it). So no more crap in the house, especially carbs. Also I've never really tracked my food since surgery but I was a big Daily Plate user before surgery during my 6 month diet and I'm going to start again just to keep it in check (not to restrict food). I really need to find a way to equate calorie tracking with just "life" and not "diet".

I figured out my current BMR is 1527, so based on that my current calorie needs to maintain my current weight is 1832 per day. So if I plan to stick to a very doable 1400 per day that's a pound a week (in theory). If I can go 1000-1200 even better.

On the exercise front I bought a new Lululemon bra (the ta-ta tamer). OMG - it's so great. It really holds the girls down (I'm still a 36DD), but is very comfortable and doesn't give you uniboob. I've also bought a pair of Ecco tennis shoes that are designed to help plantar fasciitis. They are really supportive in the heel and take away any excuse I have for not walking. I'm going focus on just hitting the treadmill 3 times a week and see what happens.

Everything else right now is going OK. My job is my job. I am trying to suck it up and have polished up my resume and have been applying for things.

I'm extremely excited about the NYC brunch in less than 2 weeks! My mini goal is that I can at least least hit 169 by then ( I was 173 this morning).

Last Night I Dreamt of Bread...

So I woke up this morning and could remember my dream really clearly (which I rarely do). I was in a bakery/cafe looking around and while I was looking at the soup (which I normally would) I ate a small crust of bread, then waited for the pain (which I normally do) - and there was none. Then I went crazy and started eating big doughy pieces of bread and after each bite I would wait for some pain - but there was none. So, I obviously had a band in my dream but it was loving the bread - or maybe my dream was about losing my band and how weird it would be. Or maybe I'm stressed out and trying REALLY hard not to eat a ton so I'm eating in my dreams.

Anyway, kind of a weird one. Have any of you ever dreamed of bingeing or eating non band friendly foods?

Also I want to thank everyone one for their nice comments on my work from hell post. You truly know who your friends when people offer to travel from all parts to physically harm someone for you. Your offers of violence (and support) warmed my heart.

My Pouch Has Been "Tested" (and so have I)

So I decided to do the 5 day pouch test with Bonnie this week. I've had mixed results so far. On day one (Monday) I followed it pretty well, I had a couple lattes, cream soup & sugar free pudding. On day two I started with the same things, but I was CRAZY tight, like getting a little worried tight. I decided to have a soft egg for dinner to see if having a solid stop the tightness (does that make sense?).
This morning I packed my soft proteins (cottage cheese, tuna, etc) for day 3. Within a half hour of being there I started having issues with my supervisor. This has been going since I starting working there 5 years ago. She's super passive aggressive in how she deals with me and honestly should have never been given anyone to supervise. The thing is she thinks she's awesome - like she would love for her supervisor to be like her. Usually I can push down my anger and carrying on, but since Friday when she basically sent me an email implying I was lying about something, I haven't been able to. I am not a person to cry at work, but I have done it twice in the past 4 work days - not cool. I used to run million dollar businesses on my own, I am a pretty cool customer - I do not like to cry at work ( I cry at home per Joan Holloway-Harris). It sucks in general and obviously after she followed me to the bathroom, heard me crying, then waited outside to try to talk to me ( I said maybe later - that bitch was not going to corner me while I was upset and get me to cry again), I was in no mood for cottage cheese. It could have been bad but I went to Nordstrom cafe and got a cup of soup and small chicken salad. I DID NOT get an oatmeal cookie, snickerdoodle cookie or chocolate chip cookie (yea me!).

The rest of the week I will continue the soft to solid protein progression and see how it goes. I feel like I've reached a slightly zen place about work. I must leave (by my own choice). I need to change my current resume to a functional one and start applying again. I'm in a good place and don't have my fat suit to use an excuse anymore.

Thanks for reading my rant - it's nice to know I have my own little therapy group. Now I may have to run out and get some of that ice cream Joey is pimpin'.

I got my hair chopped off...

Not sure if I love it 


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Do I Want It???

Well, this may be the longest I've ever gone without posting. I did have the little computer virus hiccup, but honestly half the time I post from email at work so that's not an excuse. I actually ended being able to fix the computer myself (hello safe mode + a good antivirus scan can work wonders) not sure why Rick's friend who used to work IT couldn't figure it out – thanks to Jen (from Oregon) for the Malwarebytes recommendation.

 

So I'm going to be honest and say I'm just getting tired of posting about how I weigh 17_ (fill in the blank as it varies) and WANT to be in the 160's. I've been in the 170's since the end of September, so honestly I've been in maintenance mode for 5 months. As much as I want to hit my goal I guess I'm really happy here or happy enough to not keep trying. I will honestly admit I am not trying to lose weight – at least my actions don't suggest that I am. Yes I don't eat very big meals, but my snacking has increased and I've become obsessed with these chocolate covered oat cookies from Trader Joe's (not a good situation).   

 

Is it a mental thing that's holding me back from hitting goal? I don't really know – I don't think my life will change if I lose 12 more pounds – so I'm not sure that's it. I've used the old "when you weigh less the weight loss slows down" excuse for awhile now and it really doesn't cut it when I see people out there losing quickly at my weight and lower. I am hardly Kate Moss – I've still got an overweight BMI and if I went to a Dr. who didn't know my history or about the band, they'd tell me to lose weight.

 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I read Jen's (Life Little Journey) post this morning and felt like I could have copy and pasted a lot of it onto my blog. EXCEPT Jen decided she wants to keep going and is taking action. I need to do the same thing; I need to put some effort into these last 12 pounds. I have to decide I WANT IT. I do want it – so stay tuned.

Just a Warning (In Case Anyone Misses Me)

Well my husband got our laptop infected with a lovely virus  - yea! I'm going to see if one of the IT guys at work can clean up the mess (so I don't have to take it to Best Buy and pay $200 dollars), but when I was thinking about it I panicked because it would give him access to all my stuff (blog) in my favorites folder. Know I know there's no guarantee he would look, but I probably would. So I decided my only defense would be to shut down my blog completely and pray if he sees it he'll just forget about it since it's not active. I'll probably do it tomorrow night and change all my passwords to google, but I'll try to be back asap. I should still be able to read everyone's blog through reader, but if I don't comment you know why.
Keep your fingers crossed it works- I'm not ready to be outed.

Have a good weekend!

Did you ever think...

That when you started a weight loss blog on whim you would get to know people so well that your heart would break for them when they have a tragedy? I didn't, but I am amazed by the love and compassion in our little blog world.

Barbara- I can't imagine what you are going through, but you have a whole world of thoughts and prayers with you. You are an amazingly strong woman.

My Self Imposed Mushie Diet

Hello lovelies - hope the weekend is going well for everyone. I think I mentioned last week that I had gotten really tight and wasn't sure why. I had obviously at some point gotten stuck and really pissed off my stoma. By Tuesday night I decided I would do a few days of mushies to see if I could calm it down a little. I've mainly done had soup, yogurt, some string cheese, bouillon and lots of lattes. The one thing I noticed was by the 2nd day was that it was so nice to not feel uncomfortable after I ate. It really made me wonder how long I'd been letting the cycle of pissing off my stoma/hurting go on. It's definitely not normal to feel uncomfortable after eating, but I think I had let myself think it was. I've eaten some solids since yesterday with mixed results.
I'm going to continue eat on the mushie side for a few more days and then re-evaluate next week. I'm not sure why I would need to get some fill taken out after almost a year, but if I need to I will. Of course my mind always wonders to a slip or something, but I don't really feel like it's that serious.
Oh- of course my weight has gone up since I started this (I'm hoping it's the salt from the bouillon). Will I ever see the 160's???

Weekend Update - the good & bad

Remember a few weeks ago when I said I was thinking of getting a fill - ha!ha! I'm so glad I didn't follow back up with the Dr. on that because I am suddenly crazy tight. I can get food and liquids down, so no emergency, but I keenly aware of what time of day solids will go down nicely. The positive is the scale is moving and I'm down to 172.

I had a crazy busy weekend with kid's birthday parties, a horrible NFL game (stupid Steelers) and mammoth laundry mountain to tackle.

A highlight of the weekend was being able to meet up with Heidi and her daughter who were in the area visiting relatives. We met Sunday morning at a paint your pottery place (to keep our girls occupied) and while it would have been great to meet for drinks and let our hair down, we were able to have a good talk while we were in Mom mode.

I've followed Heidi's blog from early on and always felt a real connection with her. We have a similar band philosophy and a lot of the same food issues. I'm always amazed when I meet bloggers and they are as great in real life as their blogs.Thanks Heidi for a great morning (Cate's planning the next playdate).

Heidi, me and our princesses - we're color coordinated

The girl's were instant BFF's - too cute (if I do say so myself)

Dress Advice Needed - WWBD? (What Would BOOBS Do?)

So I went for one more round of bridesmaid dress shopping today. We decided on the style, fabric and color, but I'm torn about what size to order.

The dress I'm getting is the one below, but in black. The dress have on is an A-line skirt in a size 12 (pic#1). I'm going to order it with a column skirt (it will look like pic#2), but when I tried on a different dress with a column skirt it was tight. I could get it in my body, but it was tight. So my dilemma is do I order the tight one knowing  the wedding is 3 months away? It could be motivation or it could be stupid.

I will say that normally I would order the safe size, knowing I wouldn't lose the weight, but I'm not that girl anymore. I would love to be at goal by the wedding. 14 pounds in 3 months - doable, but I've been a slow loser lately. Also look how bad my arms look. Am I crazy for going sleeveless?

Alright BOOBS - what would you do??

Dress with A-line Skirt

Dress with column skirt (kind of)

Fill?!?

So for the past couple of weeks I've been toying around with going in for a small, tiny, droplet fill. I'm not sure why - I'm OK restriction wise, but I feel like I could use a little edge. Last fill I had was last April. I went in for a fill in June, but my NP had left and the other NP freaked out about how much I had in my band and wouldn't do it unless I had an upper GI. After I went in I never really felt like I needed it again, so I never pursued it. So I don't really want the drama of going in and been turned down or whatever. I think I'm going to call the coordinator and have her talk to my surgeon and see if she's give me a .1 or .25 or if I should get an upper GI first.

Again, I'm not desperate, but I think a little tweak would force me too be more aware of what I'm eating and cut out any bread for awhile ( I ate 1/2 a scone this morning - I'm stuffed, but no sticking). I know it comes down to choices and I shouldn't rely on restriction for everything, but I feel like I've been a little lost since September.

I'm also reading Amy & Gen's post about their last little fills and getting second thoughts. We'll see what the day brings.

Do You Post In Your Head?

I keep writing little post posts in my head on random things but I never actually seem to post them lately (the same goes go for comments). So I thought I'd do some random bullets/stream of conscious updates.

• I have over 200 followers ( I know that's small potatoes to some) !! I was so excited when I logged on and saw that. So welcome to everyone who is new! I'll try to post a little more.
  
• I'm having breakfast issues. While I haven't eaten "real breakfast" when I wake in probably a year, I've gotten in a weird spot with AM eating. I drink coffee and a latte most mornings and that holds me for a long time generally. I used to eat a protein bar around 10:00 everyday, but burnt out on those. When I don't eat though and hold out until lunch I seem to get hungrier later in the afternoon and very munchie when I get home. I'm trying a Zone bar today to see if it helps. I may just default to a string cheese every morning. I used to really eat a lot of string cheese or single portion cheese (Cabot makes good ones) when I was in my big losing phase and they are great snacks.
  
• I'm back at my pre-holiday weight of 174. I don't really think I lost any though, I think the bulk of the 2-3 pound increase was water/salt. It was really gratifying to see that while I felt like a really indulged the last 2 weeks of the year, I pretty much maintained.
  
• I may have my motivation to get to goal weight (and not the Kooba bag I am going to buy). I have to go try on more bridesmaid dresses Sunday and order one (I think it will be this one: http://www.ariadress.com/Desciptions/Desc141KA.htm). It will be black(yea), but sleeveless is bold for me. I have already dug out my free weights in an attempt to get Michelle Obama arms by April 30th. I think I'll document the progress on the blog. 
• Did you guys watch The Biggest Loser last night? I try to resist, but got sucked in (thank God for DVR though - it makes it much more palatable). It breaks my heart to see so many parent/child teams. I can identify with being the overweight child of an overweight parent. And I can understand the guilt of the parents (hence my attempt to really have a healthy food house - I WILL NOT repeat this cycle with my daughter). 
• I want to do a little shopping spree over the next week or so because there are a lot of good sales. Right now I'm wearing baggy 12's, but I think I can fit in 10's in most stores I shop in now. So I'll probably get 10's, but if my goal is 160 and I'm a tight 10 now, will losing 14 more pounds put my in an 8 as a final size?  I need some feedback from some of you already there (or thinner). I'm 5'5 so would 160 be an 8/10? I hate to do a big shop if I'll go down one more size. It's a good dilemma. 
  
• I have to take down the Christmas decorations this weekend. I think I'll do it while watching the Ravens game Sunday that way I won't eat as much food. what is it about football and chips???

Have a good Wednesday my lovelies!!