APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_______________________________________ ALIASES ______________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ GPA______________ SOCIAL SECURITY#________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ IQ _________ BLOOD TYPE _____
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
#of years they have been married ______
If less than your age, explain why ______________________________________
If not explain why ___________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I HIGHLY SUGGEST RUNNING AS I AM A GOOD SHOT.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend _______________________________________________
How often you attend ____________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? __________ mother? _________ pastor? __________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________
C. A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?__________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________________

RULES:
Initial each Rule after reading.

Rule One: If you talk with foul words and dress like swag, a punk or a wanna-be-gangster I will toss you right out on your tush.

Rule Two: If you date my daughter you date only her. She has a kind heart and I will not have you make my her cry; if she does, I will make you cry. You may only date ONE of my daughters. EVER.

Rule Three: You must know how to cook as well as I have taught my daughter(s) to cook. Frozen dinners do not count.

Rule Four: Do not be hurt when my daughter chooses a day at the spa with me over sports or gaming time with you. She was raised that family comes first and until there is a ring on her finger, I am her family, not you.

Rule Five: Do not date my daughter for her money because I am her bank. Do not expect gifts, she has been taught to be a savvy shopper.

Rule Seven: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pudgy, baggy-eyed, last-season, has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the queen of her universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. If you do not I will ask her. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Eight: My daughter has been raised to respect herself, so keep your hands to yourself. Offending body parts will be removed by me with a dull spoon.

Rule Nine: Do not be hurt when my daughter chooses spending time with me over spending time with you. She was raised that family comes first and until there is a ring on her finger, I am her family, not you. Yes, I know this is also Rule Four. It is an important one.

Rule Ten: My daughter is not a toy. She does not have Hasbro, Mattel or any other toy company tattooed on her person. Hence, she is not an object for you to play with, manipulate, and discard at your leisure. I suffered through 42 hours of labor to have her, and will unleash an unimaginable amount of anger such that the movie 300 will look like an episode of the Little House on the Prairie should you cross me.


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name)

_______________________________________________________________
Mother's Signature & Father's Signature

_______________________________________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman


Please allow four to six years for processing.

The garden update

Here's what I had planned

In the pots by the retaining wall...
Tomatoes - 6 romas  2 cherry and maybe 2 slicing
Green Beans - 6
Peppers - 3 spicy - 3 mild  (I might be finding homes for the extras)

In the old garden that is now very shady...
Squash in the only part that gets any full sun...where the strawberries used to be (I'm currently digging them out, because 1) they don't produce very well any more 2) the birds eat what I am able to produce)
Spinach
Lettuce
Onions - currently growing from last year
Carrots - currently growing from last year


Here's what actually happened...


Tomatoes - 4 larger roma (Health Kick) plants & 2 smaller Heath Kicks.  + 2 yellow grape + 2 Tommie something - they're a cherry that is supposed to like to hang...although I have no where to hang them from.


Green Beans - I planted 3 varieties and 6 seeds each.  fingers crossed there as the nursery didn't have anything but soybeans & black eyed peas.


Peppers - 2 sweet peppers and 4 jalapenos.  I might toss in some chili seeds too...might as well.

Squash - I got two zucchini plants and then put in some seeds.  - hopefully my seizure inducing balloon keeps the birds from eating all my seeds.

Spinach & Lettuce from seed - although I have some of both that were volunteers from last year.  YAY
Onions from last year - I dug up the old ones and spread them out and replanted.

Carrots - I dug up the old ones and composted them...then planted new seed. fingers crossed again.

brocolli - experimenting as it hasn't done well before.

I also put in some chard (I've never eaten this before), radishes and brussel sprouts- I sure hope that they like to live here.

I still need to go get some herb seeds as I thought I had some and all I had was parsley, which I dug up the old stuff to dry and didn't put any new in as we don't eat much of it.

Theater season is over for the year

Darly & cast finished up their season with a wonderful performance of Guys & Dolls.  I wish I could say that they performed to a packed house, but alas that is really hard to do when the show is scheduled for the middle of May...prom & graduation season.  Hopefully the plan for next year is for April instead.

At the end of the show I ended up packing my poor car to the gills with all the stuff we needed to return to the costume shop.  I'm getting really good at packing my car and driving with no visibility through the back.  lol

Now on for summer plans.  I have got to get my garden going as I'm running a bit behind.  Hubby seems to be more and more determined for me to give up my silly idea of growing my own food.  :p  I am not sure what his motivation is.  It isn't as if I am forcing him to eat what I grow or hiding the offending foods in his meals.  I grow because I like to (yes, I am a bit lazy about weeding) but it makes me happy...so buzz off DH.  ;)

The plan for this year...

Seeing as we're getting a great start to our season with our usual Hail storms, I am considering moving the garden temporarily to the back porch so the plants have a fighting chance.  Then I'll move them back to where I had them last summer by the retaining wall.

In the pots by the retaining wall...
Tomatoes - 6 romas  2 cherry and maybe 2 slicing
Green Beans - 6
Peppers - 3 spicy - 3 mild  (I might be finding homes for the extras)

In the old garden that is now very shady...
Squash in the only part that gets any full sun...where the strawberries used to be (I'm currently digging them out, because 1) they don't produce very well any more 2) the birds eat what I am able to produce)
Spinach
Lettuce
Onions - currently growing from last year
Carrots - currently growing from last year

I've had to reinforce the fence around the old garden as my sneaky dog loves to help herself to my carrots.  I had one big beautiful carrot about to go to seed and she ate it.  buggar!

The hope for the spinach & lettuce is that the shade will keep them from bolting.

Oh, herbs are going in and around everything else.

I had better get dressed and go to work!

There is NO free lunch - and other Facebook complaints!

I know, I know.  You thought I was dead.  Most of you have probably moved on and mourned my passing.  Alas, I'm still here...sort of.  I'm "livin on the air of Facebook" now.

And that brings me to my post.

Today, yet again I saw the "Share this picture of Bill Gates and he'll give you $5K" meme.  Okay, who is still believing this carp?!?!  Probably the same folks who fall for the Nigerian scam.  *eyeroll*

1) Nobody, I repeat NOBODY will give you money for sharing ANYTHING on Facebook!  Just quit it people!  (I really don't understand the mentality of the folks who start these memes.  I suppose there is some sort of God complex that "I made something that is going viral." thing.)

2) Even if Bill Gates wanted to give everyone who shared his picture money...how would he do that exactly?!?!  Facebook doesn't know where you live, unless you told them.  If you told them you are crazy!

3) the picture mentions that it is time he finally started giving back to the people.

• Bill already gives MILLIONS to his charities... heard of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation?
• It is Bill's money, he can do with it whatever he wants?!?!  Do YOU want the internet telling you to give your money away?

sigh!  next

The same goes for the share this nice picture with nice words and you'll receive a miracle or if you love Jesus.  Some go so far as to tell me that I must hate Jesus if I don't share it.  Again with the viral thing.  Oh and that goes for the "We're trying to see how fast things spread on the internet" memes.  Duh!

So if you recognize yourself as one of those "sharers" know this... I WILL NOT SHARE ANYTHING!  Unless it's a really cute picture of a bunny.  I have my standards ya know.  ;)

on to other stuff...
If you post something on your Facebook wall... everyone that your settings allow will see it.
If you post something on your friends' Facebook wall...everyone that their settings allow will see it.
If you want to tell your friend something in private...that's what the Messages part is for.
If you REALLY want to tell your friend something...use your email, texting or call them.  :p

okay, I think I'm done.  If you have a Facebook sin that bothers you...feel free to share it below in the comments.  :D