I had spent the morning making small talk with a young single girl who had come to pick up my sister's couch that has taken up residence in my tiny garage for the last couple of months. Small talk was no small thing on this particular Saturday morning as I cleaned up the dishes from the night before; hand washing pans and cookie sheets and scraping ketchup off of plates and counter tops that the babysitter had left for me to clean. I shifted from one task to another while trying to maintain a cheerful conversation with the sweet stranger in my home. I tried to make it seem effortless while I managed the cleanup and the constant parade of demands from my children. There was crying, fighting, medicine, chocolate milk, cereal, candy, diaper changes, puppy poop, puppy prison break from the backyard, falling off of chairs and exercise balls . . . and the parade continued. All the while, she was receiving phone calls and texts from her friend, the owner of the pick up truck who had found herself with a flat tire a few short miles from the house.
Lemony Snicket's, "A Series of Unfortunate Events" comes to mind. The morning had played out like a scene from an old movie, streaming in slow motion. By the time the mended flat tire rolled its way into the driveway it had been about an hour and a half. "Utter Chaos" pretty much summed it up. It pricked a little as it rolled so casually off of her tongue. The comment was innocent enough but it somehow wrapped up my whole life so helplessly in two harmless little words.
After the truck drove out of sight with a 15 year old, slip covered, couch hanging off the tailgate, I took inventory of the rest of my day. Brittany had my van and I had four little inmates to entertain. I must admit that my two year old scared me more than the piles of laundry I had stashed in my master closet.
I had come home the night before feeling deflated. I had an unfortunate encounter with an overachieving Mother of four who graduated law school, taught at the University of Texas, home schools her children, maintains a clean home, runs marathons, and is skinny and beautiful to boot!!! The final straw landed on the proverbial hay stack when I discovered that she is MY. SAME. AGE. How do some people accomplish so much more in the same amount of time?
Fortunately for me, I came home to find my little sister, eight years my junior, with the wisdom of a woman four times her age. Among other things she said something so simple and yet so profound., she said, " Mom didn't graduate law school and she was and is the best Mom in the world!" This statement made me think about my Mother and all that she is and realize that it really doesn't matter that she didn't do those kinds of things. She is everything and more that we needed her to be. If I can become half of the woman that she is then I will feel accomplished indeed. Then Brittany read me this quote,
“Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism. "Elder Richard C. Edgley
Pessimism and I have been doing a little dance lately and unfortunately, I have been letting him lead. He is a good teacher, he talks you right through one step to the next, leading you across the floor until you are dancing effortlessly all over the sullen ballroom.
I have felt the suffocating effects of longing for things that are unattainable for me at this season of my life. I am confused by the dichotomy of desires within my heart to learn and grow and change as an individual and to serve my family selflessly.
I am constantly berated with the messages of today so I found it somewhat refreshing when I recently stumbled upon a passage from a book filled with the messages of yesterday.
It read, "What about giving the heart? Isn't giving your heart equally as important as giving your mind? Those women who are experts in giving love, kindness and patience to their families are giving as much, yes, more, than their I.Q. Isn't the product of the heart equal to the product of the mind? Doesn't it do as much or more for the betterment of society. The ladies who donate their I.Q. to society may render a service, no doubt, not if in so doing they rob the home of its mind and heart, what then can compensate for this loss? And those ladies who feel that they have a gigantic brain must realize that unless they match it with a gigantic heart, they are only half a woman, and it would be far more important for them to stay home and educate the heart than to leave the home and go into the world to share their intellect there. Their contributions of the heart will do more for the well being of society than their contributions of the mind." (from the highly controversial Book "Fascinating Womanhood" written in 1963 by: Helen B. Andelin)
So I guess this is what I am doing. I'm giving and educating my heart here at home. Somewhere in this "Utter Chaos" I am giving my heart and I am teaching my heart about love and patience and tenderness and kindness. Some days I would rather lead with my mind or let pessimism lead with his expertise in undermining goodness and happiness. The heart seems the better choice and in time, its grandparent Charity may lead and the ballroom will no longer be sullen but filled with brightness and promise of a whimsical night filled with music and dancing and laughter and hope.
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