A Lesson on Love

As I was walking to school this morning, I saw a father carrying three backpacks and two other sling bags. Next to him were two boys in their school uniforms. They were walking to school.

I don't know where they came from and how far they walked. I only know that I saw a father's Love for his children by carrying all the burden for them, as they walked. And then it dawned on me: if a human father would do this for his children, how much more our Heavenly Father would carry our burden for us.

Recently, I went through a practical lesson on Love myself. I tested the frontiers of Love. Now, the elves have left my life, taking the miracle with them, and Piggy returned. It looks like the practicum has ended...

How did I fair?

Hitting rockbottom

The upside of hitting rock bottom is that there is no other way to go but up!

As I have written about the unpredictability of things in my previous entry entitled "... ..." :

"Life is so full of surprises... both positive ones and negative ones. It's really funny too because depending on when and how one sees it, something that has been perceived as negative previously could suddenly become positive, and vice versa. No one knows! Important thing is not to conclude so hastily, and to be patient and open for God's plans/will to unfold and reveal itself."

Things have been quite a b!t*h for me lately, but they have also been unfolding slowly, and surely. I am realising by the day as my life unfolds that there are definitely good reasons why I have been denied my short break to the US and London this June holidays. For (1), J (my small-"b"-beloved) whom I was supposed to hang out with in Prov had her car towed in the middle of a highway the day after I was due to arrive. The car has since been sent for repairs and haven't come back. And for (2), Prov is currently under a tornado watch. So between the broken car and the possible tornado, I could only have stayed indoors with J to watch Korean dramas on the computer for two weeks. J seems to think that I am actually better off staying in sg because at least I could choose to hang out on beaches in the surrounding islands. And she is right about that. I have been decked out on a sunny beach recently, and will be off to another one the coming weekend. And yes, that *is* nice. :  )

I think one other reason why I had to be staying here was God's idea of allowing me to hit rock bottom, just as He had allowed Abram to hit rock bottom so as to be able to swoop in at the last minute to show His grace and faithfulness. And just for the heck of it remind me WHO is God... and of course, that He Loves me and has me in the palm of His comforting hand. I was since forced to depend solely on Him and to listen intently to Him... yes, as much as I am ashamed to say, it was done out of desperation... but He has shown me grace, mercy, and above all faithfulness in His steadfast Love for me. Yes, I believe I have heard Him say something to me... and I will respond with "yes, if you say so, let it be done according to Your will!"

It was pretty freaky, however, when I looked back and was reminded that I did write in one of my comments previously that I was going to spend the June holidays with my capital-"B"-Beloved. And as I already know, my God and Lord is a possessive God and Lord, and when He wants to be with me, He wants the whole of me. So, sorry J, my small-b "beloved", big-B wants me here with Him. ;  ) I will have to see you here in July, and then visit you there next year.

Frustration

I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF BEING A FRAUD!!!!!!

I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF!!!!! LIVE A HAPPY LIFE WITH THE PERSON I LOVE!!!!

IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE.... I NEED TO QUIT MY JOB AND GET THE HELL OUT OF SINGAPORE.

I HATE IT HERE. I HATE IT THAT PEOPLE ARE JUST MAKING USE OF ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS BORN TO PROPAGATE AND TO MAKE MORE MONEY FOR THE COUNTRY -- NO! THAT'S *NOT* WHAT MY LIFE IS ABOUT!!!! DON'T YOU GET IT, I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS BORN FOR A PURPOSE AND A REASON, AND IT IS *NOT* TO MAKE MORE PEOPLE AND MONEY FOR MY COUNTRY!!!!!

I WAS BORN FOR GREATER THINGS!!!!!!

Burning out

I feel like a candle wick burning out... there's still some wax by the side of the candle, but the wick is all burnt... and the melted wax snuffs out its own fire... and then there is no more wick.

I feel like I have been giving of myself the whole time, there is nothing left of me.

I hadn't realised it, but I've been back in SG for FIVE years. That's the same amount of time I've been in Victoria previously. It's funny how I seem to have learnt and grown so much in Canada, but have regressed when I came back here. I think it's got everything to do with living back with my parents and relearning to be dependent on others. I think being dependent on others may not be all bad, but I really also want to be alone at times... to decide for myself what I want to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner... to decide on my own lifestyle... to go organic, vegetarian, hippie, SPG, or whatever... you know, to have that freedom to just be who I want to be...

And then there is just too many human beings in Singapore. There is no space to breathe. Everyone seems to be breathing someone else's carbon dioxide, and snatching from each other whatever is left of the oxygen. I just want to be able to go for a long drive to a beach and sit and read a book, breathe in some fresh air and not be in someone else's hair.... And to be able to do this over a weekend... yes, even when it's a regular semester week with work starting on a Monday.

I just need more space for that fire to keep burning...

Scrambling

I believe I've been duped.

I had bought myself a ticket to Boston via London more than a month ago for a very much needed break this June. The trip has been the only thing I have been holding on to, and in fact, holding me together for the past 10 weeks. The entire term has been a very very very difficult one for me, and God knows I deserve to get out of here for a breather. I don't think I have ever felt so desperate for a break before.

Just as the end is near and that much needed break was coming (3 days to the date of flying to be exact -- THREE!!!), I received a phone call from my travel agent to say that BA has decided to go on strike, and they have given me three options: (1) to reschedule my flight on another date, (2) to rebook with them on another flight to some other destination at another time, or (3) cancel my ticket for a full refund. As I have already checked the BA website, and from news resources, I found out that most of the long haul flights for BA are still going, I insisted to my travel agent that I still want to fly on Friday 28 May. She then told me that there was no way I could fly because I could go to the airport right now and the BA counter will be closed up until the end of the strike period, which is 29 May. I could take a risk, if I wanted to, but they have already blocked out the date to be closed. The earliest date they could fly me out of SG now was 6 June, which I thought would be too late for me. So then, it seems, the safest thing for me to do was (3) to cancel. So that's exactly what I did.

However, with my heart of hearts, I still believe till now that BA is still flying my plane. I think they have not closed the BA counter at the airport, but I'm too chicken to find out because then I'll know I've been duped for sure. My close friends would know that this news has indeed been devestating for me, and has caused me a lot of psychological damage. And you'll know I'm NOT exaggerating in anyway if you were to see how I look right now -- a wreck.

But I only have myself to blame because I was chicken. I should have called the airline on my own and found out, but the website also said that if I bought the ticket from an agent, I need to listen to them as there are different fare conditions. Whatever it is, I have already cancelled my flight, and paid the agency the admin fee of $75. I am now waiting to get back the rest of my money.

Two lessons learnt from this event:

(1) I'm never going to this same travel agency again,
(2) I'm never going to fly with BA again -- I'll go for SQ because of it's inactive union (but that's another story altogether)

I am exhausted; I am frustrated; I am angry at the sequence of events and how they have brought me up to this point of despair and helplessness.

I honestly do not know how I'm going to survive the next half year without a real break. I may really need to check myself into an asylum if nothing changes. I'm just so tired....

... ... ...

I don't think I've ever been this tired mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically in my entire life... And for that one bit of possible reprieve to be taken away from me at the last minute is, in my humble opinion, nothing short of pure cruelty.

Just when I thought that the end was near... Wham! HAHA, Charl, it was but the beginning!

God, how could you?

I wish I could just lie in bed for the next 3 weeks and do absolutely nothing... just soaking in my own tears.

It's funny... I've never felt so helpless in my life before. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I'm so tired and so helpless I can only just sit and stare... and smile... and watch life happen to me.

I feel so abused by life. I feel so abused by God...

... ...

I'm sitting on my bed right now feeling like crap and thinking... Life is so full of surprises... both positive ones and negative ones. It's really funny too because depending on when and how one sees it, something that has been perceived as negative previously could suddenly become positive, and vice versa. No one knows! Important thing is not to conclude so hastily, and to be patient and open for God's plans/will to unfold and reveal itself. After all, what else can we do when we claim to have accepted God's hand in our lives, and submitted our entire being to Him? It would be completely ludicrous to say that we have committed ourselves to Him, but still struggle in His mighty arms-- it's akin to saying to God, "Oh God, please hold me in your loving arms", but there we are still always suspicious and wary that those mighty arms will also be waiting to strangle you. Human beings are just so weird... Haha...

I suppose my sudden impulse for being somewhat philosophical today is really due to the fact that I'm just a tad over medicated. Haha... You see, I have recently been hit by a bug. It's timely, I suppose. My body just couldn't take the abuse over the past few months anymore. My poor being has been through a lot and it's high time it took a break. Even though it broke down, I must give a pat on my own back because my body really held up for the whole time since grandma's demise, which was when everything started happening. That was a good 3 months and about 15 weeks. That is pretty commendable for my usually weak body. Woo hoo!!! Well done, Charl!

Just when I was in a "poor me" mode since last night while rolling on my bed in pain, I have already been administered to by many angels who were looking out for me and waiting to comfort me. For no apparent reasons today, I have received 3 phone calls from people who rarely call me (they didn't know I was sick except one), and a short chat with gp over msn! And I had a really good weekend hanging out with Sr Bernard and friends too. There were definitely more things that I could do, and probably could have enjoyed myself more, if I was feeling better, but I'm grateful enough for these small presence of God in my life.

I guess even though I would really like to complain, I really can't. Life is still good. God has been merciful and good to me.