If houseguests and fish stink after three days, then what kind of smell would a Japanese foreign exchange student who showed very little interest in our family, day to day activities and couldn’t/wouldn’t speak the language produce after 26 days? Nothing pleasant...let me tell you.
Earlier this year, around April, I believe, Jay forwarded me an email he got from the state 4-H office asking for interested families who were willing to house teens from Japan for 4 weeks during the summer with his comment, “Am I crazy for thinking this would be fun?”
If he was crazy, then I was insane because I responded, “No, I think it would be fun too.” I don’t know what kind of happy pills I swallowed that day to evoke that kind of response but it is not typically a desire of mine to take care of children who are not my own. Thanks to my total lapse in judgment, the wheels were set in motion for our caring of Shun for the last month of our summer.
OK. There is a part of my brain that remembers what influenced my response. I had already mentally broken our summer vacation up into three parts: our family nauvoo trip, a month of Utah trips including basketball camps, EFY and a family reunion, and then...being home. I worried that we’d be so burned out from being on the go so much in June and July that the month of August would get the fun shaft and we’d sit around the house too much. And by “we” I mean “me.” Basically, I imagined my kids lamenting that their boring mother didn’t want to do anything or take them anywhere. It’s not unprecedented. However, I am a better parent when I know someone is watching so I thought having a foreign exchange student would finish up summer nicely with lots of around town activities to keep us busy.
I don’t really know where to start or how much detail to relive from an entire month. The month was not the success that either Jay or I envisioned. Our exchange student was a thirteen year old boy named Shun from Tokyo. He was the oldest of two children and seemed overwhelmed by the size and volume of our family as well as the size and isolation of both our home and small town.
His attitude weighed on me every day. I never imagined trying to do all that I had planned (tourist stuff) with someone who didn’t seem to care. And, while it seems like I should have just stopped making the effort, not doing anything was way worse.
I think a lot of the blame can be placed on our inability to communicate with each other. I never expected our student to be fluent but I did think we’d be able to use simple words and phrases to get our point across. Shun really couldn’t speak English, nor could he really understand it. Knowing Japanese was never a requirement for the exchange so we had no tools to get to know him or bond with him. For the first few days, when we still had hope of enjoying the experience, we all used a lot of charades and translations until it seemed we were making all of the effort and Shun was making none. I tried to be patient with the cultural differences and took into account the fact that he was probably homesick, nervous, and definitely shy but he really didn’t seem interested in communicating with us.
Food was another major issue. We received a host package with lots of information about Japanese culture and what to expect. Obviously, we have a very different diet from the Japanese and so followed the advice of the packet to offer lots of vegetables at each meal as that is what they are accustomed to eating. He didn’t touch any. For the first couple of days, I always had cucumbers, carrots and salad at every meal, even breakfast, but it became clear that they only thing he liked was meat, potato chips and Coke. I even made a vat of rice in the rice cooker which he wouldn’t touch. I stressed about it for awhile, worried that this skinny boy would get sick from hunger, but everywhere we went, he could get Coke. He also liked french fries. But, he wouldn’t touch the sushi I got twice.
He was closest in age to Seth but did not like Seth. Seth is jovial...sometimes a bit obnoxiously so, and his antics and hugs and attempts at conversation were all poorly received. It didn’t take Seth very long to withdraw his own interest. I thought maybe he’d get along with Sam better but Sam always avoided him. Shun did not like Henry. Henry was probably the most willing to be Shun’s friend but Henry is also not very quiet...or clean. Shun was constantly disgusted by Henry. His dirty hands. They way he ate. His loud way of talking. My feelings towards Shun were the most unkind when he scolded Henry, which he did often. Usually, in Japanese. Then, there was Daniel. It seemed he forgot that I was Daniel’s mom and took sole responsibility for his safety and behavior. If Daniel was doing something Shun deemed risky or dangerous, Shun would stop him from doing it. Or hover nearby. Unless water or swings were involved in which case Shun would play with him so dangerously that I had to yell at him to stop dunking him or splashing him or swinging him so high that he might flip over the top bar. It was so, so weird and frustrating.
I think what annoyed me the most was his utter lack of interest in us. I know that sounds narcissistic but the entire idea of the program was to have a Japanese student come and live in an American home, a rural one at that, and immerse them in our daily, family life. He hated the cows and after the first time Jay took him down to help wash and feed the steers, would never go again. He refused to wake up at a decent time, usually sleeping until noon if I let him, and then could happily spend his day in his pajamas playing on the computer (or reading gaming blogs, which is what Sam is sure he was doing). He absolutely loathed going to Sam’s football practice or games. After one Sunday, he refused to go to church with us. I never even attempted to try to get him to do household chores. First of all, I don’t know how I would have communicated what I wanted or explained to him how to do it but I was usually done by the time he woke up. It gets hot in my house after noon in the summer. I also understood from reading about the cultural differences that he wasn’t accustomed to doing chores. It didn’t matter. I did his laundry and cleaned up his endless wake of empty coke cans but he didn’t really create a lot of extra work for me. Just A LOT of extra anxiety.
I’m reading this and it sounds so bad but it also was so bad. I truly dreaded every single day. Sure, we had lots of fun outings. I was polite to Shun but not warm and in hindsight, I do regret not being more motherly towards him. I’m sure he was so homesick and out of his element and I should have done more to care for him. Instead, I entertained him. It was all I felt capable of doing. I have received at least a half dozen emails and letters from his mother since he returned home and she raves about his experience. I don’t know if he had a better experience than we did or if his mother is making him sound like he enjoyed it more than he did but she says things like, “Shun talks about you guys all the time,” and, “He would love to come back to Durango and stay with his American family again.” What?! I do hope he had some good memories. We did have some fun days and smiles. But, because I am not doing a day by day recap, I have only my overall impressions to report and it was a big thumbs down experience. Never again will we sign up to host exchange students. In fact, I don’t think I’d ever encourage my kids to be an exchange student. I spoke with several different families who also hosted students through this particular exchange and while we all had different experiences and I definitely had the worst, none of their stories made me feel like it would be worth it to try again. Perhaps that is why I am focusing on so much of the negative: I don’t ever want a rose tinged memory to persuade me to do this again.
What I learned, I suppose, is that I need to be able to talk to someone. That is how I bond. I never could ask him questions about what he’s interested in...about his family or his history or why he chose to come to America for a month or what kind of food he would actually eat. For me, knowing someone means liking them. Usually. I can be polite for three days, but for 26...I need to know you. Well. And like you. A lot.
But, if you want to come for 3 days....my door is always open:) Even for poor Shun.
Now for pictures!
Shun arrived in Grand Junction from Denver with two other boys staying with host families in our same town. I met them there and drove (silently) back over mountain passes with these culture-shocked boys. They do like McDonalds, though!
The body language in this picture speaks volumes. Seth was so open to having a friendship with this strange, quiet boy. Shun did not know how to deal with Seth’s openness.
I had them all pose for a picture outside on the first full day. This picture says it all.
We had to go to Sam’s football practices every day. Shun eventually stopped coming (once I realized he would be ok if left at the house) but, when he did come, he found a spot as far away from me as possible. And he always took out this Casio electronic translator. I think it must have had some games on it or something because he was always on it. They weren’t allowed to have anything else like cell phones, Nintendo DS or computers.
I thought eating out and introducing him to some southwest flavor would be fun but it was worse than trying to feed him at home. Ordering for him was a nightmare. At this local restaurant, sort of like Chipotle, all he ended up getting was rice and meat.
The first weekend, we had a ward campout. Jay couldn’t come so I didn’t want to set up camp or sleep there, but we went up for the evening. Shun was fascinated by the fire. He was also made very sure Daniel never came anywhere near it or tripped on a stick or pretty much touched anything. This was the first time I became aware of his hovering tendencies.
He came with host gifts and a photo album about his family and life back in Japan. He could read the English captions he wrote under each photo but couldn’t answer or understand any followup questions we had. These are some of the fun gifts he brought.
One of the first day trips we went on was to Mesa Verde National Park. He really liked it but tired out quickly.
If we went anywhere, the camera definitely came out. I took him to Walmart with me when he very first got there and he took photos of everything!
Mesa Verde is stunning if you haven’t been there.
He couldn’t read English very well either so he must not have been able to read the many, many signs stating to stay off the walls. This was right after he was scolded by a park ranger to get off of the stone wall.
He was curious and went down into this rebuilt Kiva.
Henry worked on earning his Junior Ranger badge the whole day and took an oath of responsibility when he finished it
We toured Cliff Palace and this is how you get back to the parking lot.
We went to the Bar D, one of my favorite things to do, and he liked the pre-show playing at the park and shopping in the stores. He LOVED to shop. But, he did not understand sales tax so never had quite enough. It was easier to make up the difference after I realized there was no charade to define tax.
He bought a cowboy hat. I thought his mother would enjoy this picture.
He did not enjoy the BBQ dinner, however. Or look at me when I wanted to take this picture.
His photo album showed a picture of his family bowling so I took them to our nearest bowling alley. He enjoyed it but was so, so annoying around Daniel that it wasn’t very fun for me. He would never let Daniel hold his own ball! Even after I told him to let him be.
Always touching Daniel.
He and Sam enjoyed playing games like air hockey and Xbox but Sam eventually wearied of Shun’s controlling personality.
We were warned to never let our students handle a gun...even a toy gun. Ooops.
Henry and Daniel are easily entertained by moving slowly in small circles on plastic horses.
I had hopes that Henry and Shun would finally start getting along after a day at our local Rec center. They didn’t.
He did like the water.
Playing with Daniel.
We took a day trip to Arches National Park. I don’t know why he always makes a peace sign or “V” with his fingers but if he was posing, he always did.
He had a lot of enthusiasm for Arches when we first got there but after our hike to Delicate Arch, stopped getting out of the car to take any more photos. He might have gotten tired from the hike.
It was the first time I had ever been to Arches and I loved the hike. My sister, Maureen, came too. National landmark!
I took everyone up to Purgatory for some mountain fun. It was tricky to get there because it’s expensive to do these touristy activities and there are no rain checks and it rained almost every afternoon. When we eventually got there, Shun really enjoyed it. Like I said, he did like to be entertained.
He recorded his entire ride down on his camera. I guess he fell off his slide at one point and skinned up his hand and wrist.
He, Seth and Sam did the small zip line up there. Seth can’t help his hugging, even though it made Shun so uncomortable.
One desperate day, I asked Shun if he knew how to do Origami. He pulled out a ziploc bag of 4 books with a lot of paper for us to learn. Clearly, this was something they prepped the students to do. But, he wouldn’t have done it had I not asked. The only way he could explain what he was doing was to show us the pictures from the book or fold our paper for us.
Sam tried really hard to understand the folds and frequently asked for help from Shun. He was usually ignored.
We took Shun to the lake for a day of boating. He absolutely loved this. We probably should have done it more than once.
He learned to take off his sports glasses in the water!
He didn’t like to go fast but enjoyed tubing.
This was also up at Purgatory. The bungee trampoline. I think it scared him.
That’s as high as he wanted to go.
“Mining.” So touristy but they got a lot of rocks from it.
This looks like torture to me.
Daniel was game for trying the bungee trampoline too.
After a few hops, he liked to go as high as he could!
When I asked for a group photo. Sigh.
We had a family game night playing Yahtzee poker. This was probably when we got to see his actual personality. He was funny and interested and involved. I wish we would have had more nights like this.
We headed up to Silverton to take a mine tour. My pictures in the mine didn’t turn out but he enjoyed this pre-tour activity too.
He got a kick out of going through the car wash. His family doesn’t own a car so this was probably his first experience with one.
At my favorite local park playing in the creek.
My sister-in-law, Stephanie, visited and came with us to the park. She has a son a year younger than Daniel and we were both scared at how high he pushed the boys.
The fair was so disappointing. Normally, we are there all day for most of the week. The boys have to take care of their animals and such but Shun was so unhappy there that I feel like I was barely there. It was too stressful for Jay to have him around when so much needed to be done. He did like the carnival rides, though. Even though they made him sick.
Getting on the Ferris Wheel.
And this was how I felt. Trapped. Annoyed. Resentful. So much for a great end of summer. We did make a lot of memories and perhaps as time goes on, I will remember where we went instead of how I felt. I don’t think that’s how I normally hope things will go but in Shun’s case, it’s for the best.
Sayonara, Shun!
