"......you know, about that 'The Dark Knight Rises' shootout, I think that deep inside, everyone has a crazy side to them. They are just looking for the right time... the right place, to release it."
"So when do you think you'll go crazy?"
"......I dunno. Maybe at the movie screening of Alvin and the Chipmunks 4."


Here's another entry on Monday night. Two weeks of school have passed. The stuff we have to do to earn our grades is more difficult now.

Like writing weekly articles...
Creating some awareness program and actually interact with people for the program...
Coming on time for tutorial so the lecturer won't mark me down as late and deduct 1% off my grades...
Listening to the incredibly monotonous stats lecturer while learning to use some stats software, when we have not used the program yet... I'm fighting a losing battle on this one. : /

It really helps that the schedule seems to be having a lot of last minute changes, in addition to the fact that I have decided to work and study at the same time. School must be trying really hard to kill me. Sigh.


Currently at home, there's some sort of flat upgrading going on at the moment. The toilet and the bathroom are under renovation, so all the residents in the affected units have to go downstairs in order to bathe and stuff. On the first day of the renovation, I kena diarrhea. Going up and down is a complete pain in the arse (no pun intended). Quickly ate some medicine and charcoal pills. Felt better. Now isn't really the best time to fall sick. (shakes head and sighs)


There are only 4 cubicles, 2 for the gents, and 2 for the ladies. I'm really really really hoping that the other residents have good toilet habits, and that no one will be using the cubicles when I need to use it. Not to mention that, I have classes at 8 plus tomorrow morning, and that means I have to wake up earlier than usual, shower with cold water, at 6 plus in the morning. May god help us all.


This is going to continue on for the next 10 days. I think I will learn a very valuable lesson from this experience.

I've kinda struggled about how to go about writing this, because this entry will contain pretty emotional stuff, I think. I'll try not to make this intense and lighten the mood here, but hopefully this will be the last of its kind here... Its about the time between the last semester, and this one...


Where to begin? I think the best setting to start this story would be the time during the study week, just before the exams, when I was alone studying at the airport, and turned off my phone. I was sitting at a corner at Starbucks, sipping on my mocha frappe, looking at the sky. The sky was so blue, but my future seemed so dark. (shakes head and sighs) I was having one of the worst moments in my life. The source of the problem? If you have been reading the previous entries, maybe you might have figured it out, but if not, too bad, because I dowan to sound like a broken record here~


I was pretty much wasting my time. I brought all my materials, but I was unable to concentrate, focus on studying. All I could think of was the problems I had, unable to push them to the back of my mind. In the end, I got a really bad headache, so I gave up studying, went home and took a nap. Life sucks.


When I woke up from my nap, I decided to trace back my steps, figure out what went wrong. Once again, I was back at the Starbucks. There seemed to be so many people screaming on that day. They were really irritating, but what really urked me were all the happy people I had seen around the airport. Why were they so happy? And why wasn't I one of them? Usually I wouldn't be bothered by such questions, but this time round, it struck home.


That's when I really started thinking. This life I lived so far wasn't a happy one. I tried to lived the best I could, not to let my problems get to me and make the best out of the hand life dealt me with, but I wasn't happy. I had blamed god(s), society, birth, bad luck and myself, but somehow these didn't seemed to make sense at times. And when I discovered where to place the blame again, BAAM. Everything fell into place.


And so I had my answer. And when you have answers, the next course of action would be to act upon it right? ...but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bear to do it. Even if it was the source of all my unhappiness. What did I do? I went back to studying. I thought, since I felt slightly better for figuring out, I might as well concentrate on the more important things at hand, and maybe I could forget this unpleasant answer. Days passed, shits piled up, and the exam was over. But I could not forget the answer.


Here was I, trapped between a rock and a hard place. For the first time, I couldn't take it anymore. It felt as if I was dying inside, and my head would just go nuts, if it hadn't already been this way already. Unable to take this pain, I did something I never did before: I lied to myself.

It was a simple lie. "Everything will be alright."

With this lie, I was able to move on to my semester break. I had found a job, with some help. But still it wasn't easy. After all, I never lied to myself before. Was it so bad? It was hope, it was fulfillment, and it was sustainment. I tried looking for more answers, learning new skills, and jogged to take my mind off. I really hate jogging. 3 rounds became 4 rounds, 4 rounds became 5 rounds, and 5 rounds remained at 5 rounds, because this isn't THAT kind of a inspirational blog lol. But it wasn't working.


Then it was time for my reservice. Why couldn't they go pick on someone else? I met quite a few interesting people, learning a little bit of stuff, heard stories from old birds. It still wasn't working. Eff.


Then the last few weeks of the term break came. I got my contact lenses, which I could use to hide away from all these people I met in my work, asked me for directions, recognized off work, and some unreasonable angry people lol. Work sure isn't easy. But more importantly, I learned that I seemed fake. But could I really blame anyone? I agreed too; I chose to adopt a lie, and this was the end result. But something came out of it. And it was a very easy answer: If this was all fake, then I just simply have to make this real, no?


One of the stuff I did during the break was to find out the Chinese translation of my surname lol. I got 'ease', 'change' and 'divination'. I did that sort of thing, because I was kinda curious why there's so few of us around. Ease, seemed effing ironic, because it could mean either everything comes easy to me, or I happen to be a easy person, which both seemed, like I said, effing ironic. Divination? What is this, a shounen manga? But then I must admit I suddenly thought about all strangers in my life would came up to me and asked for directions. This seems to be a cue for future prospects as a fortune-teller, or a job at the lost-and-found/information corner. Sigh.


But change? It was a chance, a gamble, and maybe what I actually needed. If I couldn't "blame", I would have to change. I don't know, but I have to move. Sigh. You wouldn't probably wouldn't believe all the hardship I went through, and all the hardships again to put a smile to this face. Yes, Its a shitty smile. But I'm working on it. My life, not the smile lol. The sky is still dark, but I won't live in darkness. There. I've warned you this would be heavy. Best not to talk about it, I guess.


Oh wells. I'm off to sleep. Have to work tomorrow.
(shakes head and sighs)