Come see me!

Well it has been a very long time. But I am BACK! So come see me and say Hi.

Living In A Country Song!

New

Tonight I have sat here and read through almost my entire blog. I have to keep reminding myself that these are my words, my thoughts and my world. It has been a long time since I have came here to this place and really wrote. I have came here and checked on my friends blogs but haven't commented.

Things are just... well different. My life has changed dramatically. The new things, the present things are wonderful. The old things, the past things are the things that keep me moving forward.

I miss Richard everyday. I long to hear his voice. I miss our incredible in depth conversations about what he wanted for the future for the boys and I. Our conversations about God and how he couldn't wait to leave this earth. It still hurts unbelievably.

In 4 short months I will be remarried to an amazing guy that I have known since the age of 9. We were 3rd, 4th and 5th grade Elementary School sweethearts. Each others first girlfriend/boyfriend, first kiss, first love. And here we are 21 years later we have somehow found our way back to each other and we plan on spending the rest of our lives together.

I have lived back in Florida for almost 3 months now. It's almost like I never left. Like somehow the last 9 years of my life just stopped time here in my hometown. But I know that those 9 years were some of the most amazing years of my life. Ones I will not ever forget.

My beautiful boys are growing up to be young men. Jacob is now officially a teenager. How did I become the mother of a teenager that is as tall as me and more sociable than anyone I have ever known. And sweet Calob is still a comedian although sometimes it does get him into trouble. They are both doing wonderfully in their new home, new School and with the way our lives are going. It amazes me how resilient my children are.

There have been so many changes. So many stories I have to tell. So many emotions. However this chapter of my life I feel can not be continued here. So in the next week or so I will do one final post here with a new blog address. And I'm thinking that it will be open and no longer private. That is a whole new post in and of itself. I would love it if you chose to follow along.

Promise

There will be plenty of updates coming your way soon. Here are a few of the topics I will be hitting on....

• Moving/ packing
• New love interest
• A ring!
• A June 2010 wedding
• My BOYS
• Transitioning back to my roots
• Cutest little blonde girl EVER!
• In love with the bluest eyes
• Happiness finding me after 20 years of friendship
• Peace
• Contentment

See you soon! XOXOXOX

Looooonnng Post Ahead!

WOW! It has been one heck of a crazy ride around here.

I know I have been MIA but I have reasons.

On September 18th I received a phone call from the Jacksonville Florida Sheriff notifying me that the first man I ever fell in love with had died, my Daddy. They had to force entry into his house where they found him dead. He died in front of the TV sitting in his recliner from a massive heart attack. I am still in shock. My Dad was a man of perfect health. He ate good healthy stuff, he jogged up to 5 miles a day and lifted weights daily. I miss our Sunday evening hour long phone calls. I miss his laugh and his dirty truck driver jokes. I just miss him.

Needless to say I left within 45 minutes of getting the call and drove all the way down there. I was there for 2 weeks and just returned home this past Friday.

But while in Florida I got to hang out with my lifelong friends. Love these folks for real.

Also while in Florida I may have had a mini life crisis. See for yourself...

I actually got all together 3 tattoos. The one above is on the inside of my right wrist. I got a funky tree with no leaves and the roots come down and say family on the inside of my left wrist. Also up behind my right ear is 3 hot pink and black stars. Yeah I would say I have an adrenaline rush need. Maybe.

When I returned home I decided I needed something shiny and new. So...

I went car shopping. I have never in my life owned a brand new car. This is MY car in MY driveway. And I own it, no payments, no nothing. Thanks to my Daddy and him making sure that I would be taken care of I introduce you to my beautiful new 2010 Ford Edge Limited. I love it.

I have also taken on a new look. It's called 31 pound lighter Kori. Yep it's not the best diet ever. Stress! But I have lost weight simply because I'm not really hungry so I only eat once a day. But at least I look good. Don't ya think?

Oh and one more crucial thing you should know. By Thanksgiving I will no longer be blogging from Alabama I will once again be a Floridian. Being down in Florida for 2 weeks made me realize just how much I miss it. I miss my family and my life long friends. So I came home and talked to the little men in my life and they were ecstatic over the idea. I honestly couldn't believe they wanted to move. I thought they would have said no and if they would have I wouldn't have pressed the issue. But I'm excited that they are excited. I am nervous because on Friday I will quit the most wonderful job I have ever had. That is what scares me the most. But I think our little family of 3 could really use a change. Things are just so different here without Richard.

So to Florida we shall go and we shall see what happens and I am sure it will be wonderful.

Emotions

Sad, mad, happy, angry, jealous, envious, hurt, broken.

These are the emotions I feel on a daily basis. Sometimes they all run together. Sometimes they don't.

Several people want to know how I am doing. I have never been one to lie or to sugar coat things.

I am not well. I get up in the mornings get the boys off to School then I go back to bed sometimes I sleep sometimes I don't.

I eat once a day only because I know I need to eat something. I have lost almost 25 pounds. All of my pants are sagging and loose.

I pray every night for just a glimpse of Richard in my dreams. The closest I have came is being woken up and being able to smell him in my room. Weird, yes I know.

His shirt that he wore when we went to court in July still hangs on the back of my closet door. His pocket change, watch, belt and wallet still lie on the nightstand where he left them. His shoes are still in the same place, his razor and shampoo are still in the bathroom. I can't move them.

How can this really be my life? I ask myself that a lot. How can I be a 29 year old widow mother of two boys. This is not the way it was supposed to be.

I talk to God regularly just like before. But my prayers have changed. I have changed. My faith has not. God is still in control and I know that one day I will know the answers to all of my questions. This is God's will for my life. Am I ok with that? Right now... No not really. But regardless I understand.

I don't leave the house much. I have very little tolerance for people in general. I tried going to Church the week before last. I know I need to be there. But I barely heard the sermon. All I seen were the husbands and wives sitting in the pews before me. The husbands with their arms around their wives shoulders or them holding hands. I can't take it. Why can't that be us?

Going to the grocery store is a huge task. I get sidetracked. All I see is the dads holding their children's hands and walking with their wives. The other day I tried and I had several things in my buggy. I left it all. I left.

I know that soon I will have to return to work. That is extremely overwhelming for me to even think about right now. People and the looks and the "I'm so sorry for your loss." I don't think I'm ready for that. Nobody is more sorry for my loss than I. I never know what to say.

If it weren't for our two beautiful boys I don't know if I would get out of the bed in the mornings. Thank God for our boys. I think they are more of a rock to me than I am to them right now.

The boys, oh my sweet baby boys. They are doing alright. They have their moments. We all do. But all in all they are doing well. Much more so than myself. Kids are resilient. I see it everyday. They are what brings a smile to my face on the days when I can barely hold back the tears.

Lastly I am happy. I am happy to know that my wonderful, amazing, beautiful husband is in the presence of our mighty King. I am happy that he is no longer having to fight for every breath. I am happy to know that he chose me to spend the last 8 plus years of his life with. I am happy to have had the love of a lifetime if only for a limited while. I am happy that even though my heart may be breaking it is also full of joy and excitement to know that one day I will be there too and I will be with him again. And that I will also be with Him the one that carries me through these valleys but also promises the top of the mountain just over the horizon.

Until we meet again my love, may the Lord hold you in the palms of his hands.

One

The one thing in life that I want more than anything I can't have.

To hear him say I love you, to feel the touch of his hand, the warmth of his kisses... that's the one thing I want.

I know where he is and in some ways I suppose that makes it a little easier. I don't wish him back to this place.

However it doesn't make my heart any less broken.

I try to sleep yet when I close my eyes the last 8 years 9 months and 20 days of our lives replay in my head over and over. I see his smile, I hear his laugh, I can even smell him.

Calob cries and screams for his Daddy. Jacob cries when he thinks no one is looking.

The last 13 days of my life have been some of the hardest. If it weren't for the boys and some sort of routine I don't think I would get out of the bed most days. Thank God for my precious boys.

I haven't yet gone back to work. I am not ready for that part of this. I plan on going back October 5th. We'll see.

We tried to go camping this Labor Day weekend. It was a disaster from the start. Loads of tears shed by all then it rained. So we came home and Calob has sworn off ever going camping again. It's not the same. It's hard.

It's all so very hard.

Today, Tomorrow, Forever

I miss my Hubby terribly. I have to remind myself that this is all really happening. I feel like he is just in the kitchen or outside. I want him to be.

I went the other day and took our first set of wedding rings to the jewelers. I have had my new one for several years and I just bought Richard a new one for his Birthday last month. This is what the jeweler and I came up with.

Richard's is the cross and mine was bent into the heart. I love it and will wear it always. It some ways it makes me feel like he is close.